Ormolu611 Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 My ex gf is getting a Bachelor's degree in Music at a local universty. She is about to have her senior recital one week from today which represents the culmination of her efforts for the past three years. She will perform in front of an audience and faculty members and she has family flying in. A lot of hard work and sacrifice have gone into this, so this is a really big deal in her life. The thing is, we have been in nc since the end of February, and I thought that I have been doing pretty good. I have only called her to respond when she contacted me recently about getting some of her personal stuff back. I have not been crying, etc. As this date gets closer though, I am having a harder and harder time thinking about not being a part of something so important, especially since this will all occur about 8 miles from my house. Maybe I have not moved on as much as I think? Maybe I am being too hard on myself, I mean we were in a relationship for 8+ years. I asked a friend for advice, and I was asked in turn what love would do. Well, I know that love may be a noble emotion, but not the smartest for sure. Should I contact her about possibly attending if I make it clear that I am not trying to get back with her or should I just suck it up and go to a movie during the recital and clench my teeth? The hardest thing about this is that I really am proud of her and I know how important this is to her, it kills me to think about not being there. Ideally, I would be able to go and not be seen somehow. Admittedly, it sounds really awkward to imagine being there, I mean her family will be there . . .ick! Maybe me being there will mess up her performance? Help???
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Is there a way you can slip in, sit in the back, and slip out without her seeing you? I don't know your history. Will she freak or will she be happy if you sent her a quick note of congratulations. No contact is good but as long as you are not trying to get back with her, and more or less wishing her well, I think she would be happy you showed your support. I could be wrong.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I would send a non-intrusive "break a leg" type card, to wish her well. Then, as suggested, I would quietly slip in and watch the performance, then leave.
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 Is there a way you can slip in, sit in the back, and slip out without her seeing you? I don't know your history. Will she freak or will she be happy if you sent her a quick note of congratulations. No contact is good but as long as you are not trying to get back with her, and more or less wishing her well, I think she would be happy you showed your support. I could be wrong. Well, it would not be easy or even possible to slip in unseen the way they stupidly have the performance room set up for these things. I go back and forth about this, I mean I would really like to see her achieve this, but she simply has not invited me. The day gets closer and yet the no contact continues. I do not know how I feel about being the one initiating contact. Can I do that without looking like a wuss in her eyes as others have suggested? I don't know. I guess I have been given no reason or sign to think that she would even want me there. When we broke up, her interpretation was that we are two good people who are just not right for each other, so it is not like I was bad to her or treated her poorly, but regardless, we have not spoken since. Strangely, she still has not gotten her stuff from me or given me back my stuff - she said in a message two weeks ago that she will let me know when she can pick it up . . . talk about an unresolved slant to this whole thing. A friend of mine tells me that the reason that she thinks that my ex still has not gotten her stuff after two months as she is probably not totally committed to the separation yet, even if she won't admit it herself. try not to think of that as it really messes with my mind. Maybe I should suck it up and simply not go if I do not hear anything from her?
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 One more thought . . . I think, knowing her, that even if she wanted me to go, she would proably have a very difficult time contact me to invite me due to her guilt of breaking with me. She is not very strong when it comes to such matters. The first time she broke with me, she avoided my family like the plauge as she was embarassed to face them after dumping me. See what I mean? I go back and forth constantly! Too much analysis maybe . . . I can't wait until this thing is just over.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Quick question, do you want to attend the recital for her, or for you? If you want to attend for her, to show your support or something....send a non-threatening "good luck" card. Then, go to the recital. If it is for you, slip in quietly, watch, then leave, all without making an effort to contact her. Yes, she might see you there, but as long as you are not pushing to talk with her...it should be fine.
Guest Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 If you attend that recital you will only look as if you have been thinking of her for the past two months and are not yet over her. In other words you will look needy. I broke up with several guys in the past and had no contact with them for months. I found it extremely creepy when they contacted me out of the blue like that. I felt sorry for them that they hadn't moved on. You don't want her to feel sorry for you and you don't want to be angry at yourself later on for appearing weak. BTW, I have a degree in music as well. I had a similar graduation performance on the cello. No big deal, believe me!!! Don't make a fool out of yourself in front of her family and friends.
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 If you attend that recital you will only look as if you have been thinking of her for the past two months and are not yet over her. In other words you will look needy. I broke up with several guys in the past and had no contact with them for months. I found it extremely creepy when they contacted me out of the blue like that. I felt sorry for them that they hadn't moved on. You don't want her to feel sorry for you and you don't want to be angry at yourself later on for appearing weak. BTW, I have a degree in music as well. I had a similar graduation performance on the cello. No big deal, believe me!!! Don't make a fool out of yourself in front of her family and friends. Wow, hard hiting advice! I appreciate it and I agree totally. I was actually going to post my conclusion which I arrived upon a couple of days ago. I thought about it for about two days and it just hit me - why the hell would I want to go to that recital? She broke up with me and rejected me. Told me that I was not right for her. She asked for separation and I m going to give it to her fully. This is what she asked for. You are right, I would look totally pahetic showing up at that thing, but most importantly, I would feel that way too. Even if I could attend and not be noiced, what the hell does that serve? I would not be able to go up to her and congratulate her or hug her. I think it becomes about standing up for yourself and not tolerating being treated in such a way. I am worth much, much more than that and do not deserve to be in a situation in which I do not feel wanted or in which my presence is not desired or fully appreciated. I shall maintain total silence/no contact and shall be completely content with that. Since making this decision, I have felt much better and much stronger. She does not deserve my presence there, and I have better/more constructive things to do with my time. Period. Thanks to everyone for the advice!
AriaIncognito Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Well, having given a senior recital myself, I'll say this. It's a very nervewracking day. If she has asked you to attend, and you want to attend, then go. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother. If she saw you there it could throw off her performance, a performance which is critical to passing to get your music degree (i got mine ;-)). So, if she's invited you, and you want to go to support her as a friend, then go. Otherwise, if she's not even mentioned it to you, then I think the signals are pretty obvious.
Guest Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Ormolu, I am so proud of you. I know that must have been difficult but you did the right thing. You don't want to look back a few weeks or months from now and think "Why did I do that?" What's worse is if she is seeing someone else then he will probably attend and then you'll feel really uncomfortable. You are right that if she dumped you then she does not deserve your efforts. You sound like a great guy and you should put your energy into someone who truly appreciates you. Ariawoman, Wow, another musician. I found my graduation recital really nerve-wracking too. In fact I still get nervous when I play in front of people and try to avoid it whenever possible.
Recommended Posts