Ruby Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 The problem is that my b/f of 10 months will not talk about a problem until he is ready to sort it out. If I called him he would tell me he is busy and will call me back - Then he wont call! we have been through this about 6 times now and it runs a same pattern. The last time this happened I told him I will not tolerate this silent treatment and that it is childish and I need to talk things over and not get silly and child like over problems -He has admitted that he does deal with things this way at times. Since that chat he has not done it when we had disagreements ... until now! My instinct is telling me that he will never change and that I need to put up or shut up! How do you get someone to open up and talk when he doesnt want to? How can I resolve this? He wont talk until he is ready and I feel so trapped into doing what suits him. i cant put up with this - Writing about it has made me realise how no win this is for me as I cant sort it alone and he isnt willing or able to change! You cant change someones basic personality and this is obviousley how he deals with things! YUK!
Lukkyu Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I have no real advice for you, sorry but I just don't know! I did want to wish you good luck though.
disgracian Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 It sounds to me like you are the one who is being childish. Has it occurred to you that maybe you are being overly demanding and impatient with him? You say that he won't talk unless it suits him, yet it sounds like you're trying to make him talk to suit you. Cheers, D.
nittygritty Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I think it sounds like he is controlling. It is very doubtful that he is going to change. If anything it will get worse and you are going to eventually see other controlling behaviors. Since he isn't willing to change, your going to have to decide if his behavior and treatment of you is something you can accept. It doesn't sound like you can, so tell him that you can't handle his controlling behavior and are going to have to end the relationship if he doesn't stop withholding. I don't think your being immature and his behavior would be a deal breaker for most. You have to be able to communicate in a relationship. He can't unless he controls when and how. I would talk to him one last time about it and then end the relationship if he doesn't attempt to find out the issues behind his needing to control and correct the behavior. Take Care
Chinook Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 It sounds to me like you are the one who is being childish. Has it occurred to you that maybe you are being overly demanding and impatient with him? You say that he won't talk unless it suits him, yet it sounds like you're trying to make him talk to suit you. Actually, you know I don't agree that he's controlling. I agree with Disgracian above. Men and women communicate in different ways. The way you communicate is not the way he communicates and vice versa. He doesn't seem to have a problem with what could be perceived as your neediness to discuss things all at once. I think it's fairly early in your relationship to be calling shots on who gets to put up and shut up. I think you guys need to draw up the rules of engagement (i.e. middle ground). If he goes silent, you tell him you're concerned but give him the space to do something about it. If he refuses to do anything about it (i.e. discuss it) then you explain to him that you're not happy and would prefer to talk. Badgering and browbeating him into a discussion he doesn't want to have, is rather pointless. Also...you know, sometimes I find the 24 hour rule works wonders on problems. Something which is an issue today - with 24 hours silence and patience, can look a whole lot different tomorrow.
disgracian Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I think it sounds like he is controlling. How is he controlling? She's the one demanding he discuss problems when she wants him to, and thereby attempting to control his behaviour. He isn't doing anything of the sort, according to the OP. Cheers, D.
norajane Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Why do you call him to discuss problems? I believe it's better to be in the same room, and you don't need to give him the "we need to talk" warning which just makes people feel tense and defensive. Besides, then he can't just say he's busy and run away. That's also better because you won't get into any tense misunderstandings when you can't see each other. I've found it helps to be touching when you talk about issues - it's less threatening and reminds the other person you care for them even though there's something on your mind. It's also helpful if you ask questions instead of pushing your view - sweetheart, have you noticed that we haven't had much time together lately? Do you think we could plan a weekend away together? And I've also found it's helpful if you don't face him directly and look into his eyes - it's challenging and threatening, just like with dogs. It's better to sit next to him and hold his hand or have your hand on his thigh or something.
sb129 Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I think you should talk to your BF, and reach some kind of compromise where you can discuss problems in a way that is acceptable to you both! i don't think he is being unreasonable or childish, but neither of you are respecting the other ones needs with regards to talking about problems, which are clearly very very different. I agree with NJ, talking in person is much better, and a good way of getting him to listen to you is to talk rationally and nicely, and not demand that he DO this or DO that.
nittygritty Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 How is he controlling? She's the one demanding he discuss problems when she wants him to, and thereby attempting to control his behaviour. He isn't doing anything of the sort, according to the OP. Cheers, D. They are having a disagreement. He says "I won't discuss this with you right now". She calls him later to talk about it, he tells her he is busy and will call her back and then doesn't call her back. They have been through this about 6 times and she has told him she does not like being given the silent treatment when there is a problem that needs to be discussed. He is controlling when, what and if he wants or feels like discussing a problem. He is creating turmoil for her by not being willing to try to resolve a problem when it arises. He is punishing her with his silence or withholding communication to try to shut her up about disagreeing with him about something and get his way. How is he not being controlling?
Author Ruby Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 thank you nitty! i thought it was my fault for a sec! your advise is great guys thank you so much
sb129 Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I don't think you are blameless ruby. i think you are trying to justify to yourself why you are going to break up with him, but if you are onlygoing to break up with him in an attempt to get him to change, then it will backfire
Author Ruby Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 I wish I was just doing this for effect! I know I have to end it as I dont belive he can change his way of reacting when he gets mad at me for no reason whatsever. This time he told me he would call me in half an hour and he didnt and he turned his phone off all night and told me he left it at a friends (which was blatently not true) He was getting me back for going out with my friend on Saturday! I am not taking the blame here - I have already told him last time that I will not put up with his witholding and ignoring me and yet he did it again!
Chinook Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Ruby, having read both threads now and getting the gist of what's happening, maybe there is an element of manipulation on both sides. But to be honest, if this uncommunicativeness on his part starts out of thin-air as you imply, then I think you're right, you're going to have to actually end things and walk away. The last fight my ex and I had started just like this. We went through 4 break-up-make-up scenario's. All of them instigated by his silence and pushing me away. I explained to him at the start that the one thing I would not tolerate in a relationship was someone walking away from me and expecting me to chase all the time. I did it four times with him. The final time I stood up to him and told him I didn't believe his lying to me. His response...? He dumped me. It was almost like he orchestrated the silence in order to elicit a histrionic response from me and for a while it worked. I then realised what he was doing and basically said no more. Once I did that, he dumped me. I wasn't playing his game anymore and he didn't like it. I got hurt in being dumped of course I did. But he really did me a favour. He was a manipulative control freak who was wrecking my confidence and self-esteem. So... if you are going to end it, be sure it is definitely what you want and you walk away completely without looking back.
nittygritty Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I wish I was just doing this for effect! I know I have to end it as I dont belive he can change his way of reacting when he gets mad at me for no reason whatsever. This time he told me he would call me in half an hour and he didnt and he turned his phone off all night and told me he left it at a friends (which was blatently not true) He was getting me back for going out with my friend on Saturday! I am not taking the blame here - I have already told him last time that I will not put up with his witholding and ignoring me and yet he did it again! I read some of your old posts and I have been in a relationship with a selfish guy that would handle problems like this. I felt like my feelings or opinions did not matter in the relationship. That he was trying to bully me in order to get his way. It was a totally one-sided awful relationship, where very little of my emotional relationship needs were being met. Your options are to continue the relationship as is or leave. I think you have given it your best shot and it is time to move on. Take Care
Chinook Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I read some of your old posts and I have been in a relationship with a selfish guy that would handle problems like this. I felt like my feelings or opinions did not matter in the relationship. That he was trying to bully me in order to get his way. It was a totally one-sided awful relationship, where very little of my emotional relationship needs were being met. Your options are to continue the relationship as is or leave. I think you have given it your best shot and it is time to move on. Same here. I read back too.
daphne Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Ruby, You sound like a friend of mine. Your boyfriend sounds like he goes into passive aggressive mode because you are impatient and demanding. You do sound very controling. I think you share equal responsibility in this. I think you need to open your eyes and look at your contribution and work on a better way at getting yoru needs met. You are not behaving much differently than a lot of women do when met with passive aggression, but he's not reacting very differently than alot of men do to controlling women. Someone has to end the cycle. Plus, passive aggressive men and controlling women often end up together so you're bound to run into this again, even if you break up with him. I really liked Norajane's advice, as I've found it helpful. It is inline with a way of expressing your preferences, but leaving him the dignity to make his own decisions. If you try this, I think you'll be surprised but you will have to exercise patient. I've found that people that truly care about you do want to make you happy and will gravitate towards doing what you want, unless it is directly counter to what they want. Most issues aren't counter to their needs so a lot of times you can get what you want. You just have to state a preference and allow them to make their own decisions and accept when they do not give you what you want. This is part of maturing as a woman. We can't stamp our feet and get what we want anymore. This holds very true in relationships. The sooner you learn what norajane advised, the sooner you'll start getting more of what you need.
disgracian Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 He is punishing her with his silence or withholding communication to try to shut her up about disagreeing with him about something and get his way. How is he not being controlling? You make it sound like he's perfectly ready to discuss the problem but instead makes her wait out of spite, which isn't what ruby said. That's distorting the scenario. In my opinion, she's being at least (probably moreso) unreasonable than he is. I'm reminded of that movie where the girl stomps and says "But I want an Oompa Loompa now, daddy!" Cheers, D.
daphne Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 It's not her fault he acts a certain way, but her behavior can contribute to exacerbating it. If you read her angry posts, you'll recognize that she's not a saint either.
nittygritty Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 You make it sound like he's perfectly ready to discuss the problem but instead makes her wait out of spite, which isn't what ruby said. That's distorting the scenario. In my opinion, she's being at least (probably moreso) unreasonable than he is. I'm reminded of that movie where the girl stomps and says "But I want an Oompa Loompa now, daddy!" Cheers, D. Do you do this or something? I don't think I made it sound like he's perfectly ready to discuss the problem. I said he punishes her with silence when he doesn't want to discuss a problem. He withholds communication to get her to shut up until he gets his way. He either doesn't want to discuss problems or its that he is only willing to discuss something when HE decides. How does a relationship between two people work when only one person gets to decide when the other person is allowed to speak to them? How does it work when certain topics are not allowed to be spoken about when that person allows the other person to speak to them again? Sounds like crazy making behavior to me. He warned Ruby he had this problem and that he was selfish, she just stayed too long thinking he would change. She needs to chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 allow them to make their own decisions and accept when they do not give you what you want. While I agree about the decisions portion, I completely disagree about accepting. There's an extent to how far you should keep rolling over. Define the boundary and either assert yourself or continue rolling over, therefore becoming a doormat. That's the choice you have to make. Control your behaviours, don't control their behaviours.
disgracian Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I don't think I made it sound like he's perfectly ready to discuss the problem. I said he punishes her with silence when he doesn't want to discuss a problem. He withholds communication to get her to shut up until he gets his way. She said that he won't discuss a problem until he's ready. How can you do it any other way? She either needs to learn some patience, or find somebody else who will say "How high?" when she says "Jump!" Cheers, D.
Author Ruby Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Disgracian you are very quick to judge! Not a good quality! I am not a believer that anyone should have the upper hand in a relationship and you are talking about me like I am a spoilt child! I find his behaviour ,when he makes up a problem that does not exist, exhausting, time consuming and now its boring! It is all no un-neccessary and I came here to get advice from people who have been in my position and who could offer constructive advice. If you cant offer that then please jog on to the next post! He rang me today and we spoke for a bit and I told him I am not putting up with him ignoring me and turning his phone off (he had it turned off all day yesterday). He never says sorry or admits he is wrong when he is 100% in the wrong! Its so damn frustrating. He tells me he is an adult and can turn his phone off if he so wishes! I know I must end things but I am so scared! I wish I wasnt but I am petrified! I love this guy and want it to work!
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