God, I am so miserable...but yet...

[Cliche]

MM and I broke up last week. And then we saw each other. And he said he wanted his best friend back. He promises me he is leaving in June. He said it is definite. He told me he told his wife he is leaving in June and that she told him she will be moving back to another state with her family.

 

I caved. I let him back in my life. He says all the right things. He tells me we'll spend the rest of our lives together. He says he just needs this time to tie up some few loose ends. He tells me to please believe. He says I don't have the best of him, I have all of him. He swears he and his wife barely talk at this point.

 

But he has lied to me. More than once. He started out our relationship on a lie. I had to catch him in it. And he tried to squirm his way out of admitting the truth.

 

But then when I tell him what upsets me, he makes changes. I couldn't stand it that he kept his phone off evening and weekends, so now he keeps it on. He spends days and nights at a time with me (just recently 3 nights in a row). He has introduced to me several of his friends and family members. He goes away with me. He refused to go on a vacation with his wife because of me. He has spent every holiday since Christmas with me, and his birthday. He agreed to go out of state to my family member's wedding with me next month.

 

And here I am trying to read into every little thing he does. Does that mean he is going to leave or isn't he? Is he telling the truth? Has he really made his decision. I go back and forth between recognizing that if he really wanted me in his life, he'd either leave her or file for divorce NOW. But then I vacillate and think maybe asking for a few months time to square things away isn't all that unreasonable.

 

So I drew up some appointment cards giving him until June. I told him on that date, if he is not filed or out of the house, I just can't handle anymore. It has to be over.

 

In the meantime, I'm miserable. I just want to be unstuck. I want the tears to stop. Why oh why am I in this situation? :( I want to have faith, but I read what all of these men on here tell everyone else, and it is so similar. I guess I just need to be patient and, at the same time, get the strength to do what I may have to do in June, huh?

[whichwayisup]

Tell him goodbye until he moves out in June and gets that divorce. IF you stay with him as things are (letting the affair continue) he won't leave. IF you want to see what this man is all about, if he is true of his words and promises to you - STAY away until his divorce is final. You can not have him in your life for afew months. Just gotta keep busy and let him do what he has to do.

 

You cannot be his bestfriend, again, that's enabling him to DO nothing to change.

 

It is good that you've set your rules. Don't cave on them. Like if the end of June comes and he's made NO effort to end his marriage or gives you that line "Wait until the end of the summer..." Don't fall for it or settle for it.

[patientguy]

Your doing the best thing you can. I would go as far as refusing to see him until he shows you that he has filed for divorce. That will be a big step for him and having some time to get his thoughts and things together is natural. However, it is in the best interest of you, as well as your relationship with him, if you stick to your guns and don't see him until he's proven he is truly sincere. It sounds like from what he's shared with you already he might be. Still, don't give in and be ready to walk away if he does not. If you cave in you are disrespecting yourself and continuing an unhealthy relationship.

[GreenEyedLady]

Cliche: Do what you feel is right...you're the only one who is going to live with the consequences...

 

He's talking about 6 weeks? That's not very far away...if YOU believe what he is telling you, and you really love him and want to be with him, that's not much time to wait...and if he doesn't follow through you could always go NC then...

 

But if you feel like you don't want to wait, then don't...

[mopar crazy]

I'm not saying this will happen to you but wanted to inform you what happened in my situation w/ my WH. He did file for a D, he did move out, I moved back to my hometown where my family was, we went to court for CS and A and then a month later he called me begging to take him back. He admitted the A w/ his co-worker, said he would do anything if we could work on the M again, said he made the biggest mistake of his life, didn't know what he was thinking, blah, blah, blah. It took a few weeks for me to tell him I would try to make the M work but if his A was too hurtful for me to go on w/ the M I wouldn't reconile. We were seperated for six months when he moved in w/ me and our children.

 

If your MM really wants out of his M he will. And then I would wait until the D is final b4 I would get back into a R w/ him. Don't set yourself up for more hurt. Make sure that he isn't going back into the M. Try to pull yourself away from him to do things for you. Think of you first, what makes you happy.

[Ladyjane14]

Marital status aside... I just don't understand WHY you'd want to have a relationship with a man who LIES to you. You can wait all you want, and he might leave his wife and he might not. But that doesn't change the fact that he's a LIAR, and maybe a user too.

 

There's only one of two things going on here. There aren't any children in the family, so either he's been dishonest about his feelings toward his wife and he cares more for her than he's said. Or... he's using her for financial reasons. What other possible "loose ends" could there be for him to "tie up"?

 

You mentioned something in an earlier post about medical bills and insurance, as well as the fact that he told you he didn't have any place else to live. You didn't post enough about all that for me to draw many conclusions, but if it all boils down to he's only staying so he can benefit from the marriage financially... that's something you probably ought to be PLENTY concerned about.

 

You know, single moms don't have the luxury of only suiting themselves. What risks they take, their kids take with them. Quite frankly, it doesn't sound like you're at a place in your life where you can afford to take a gamble on a 'fixer-upper'.

[bigblueeyes]

Cliche,

 

I guess you want my two cents, otherwise you would not have posted on LS so here goes.

 

I've been in very much the same situation as you. The second D-day I went through with MM happened because I told him I was fed up and wanted to break contact until he knew what he wanted. As you can read on another thread, he went back to his old ways very shortly after.

 

I've been thinking a lot about our relationship and relationships in general, and I have asked if I would have put up with all the tears and the pain if he had been single - and NO, I wouldn't, so why am I putting up with it now?

 

A second thing I've asked, is that if he eventually left would I then have any faith left or would it all have been spent during the wait? Would what was there, still remain, would there be anything left to build a relationship on?

 

Maybe he was the love of my life, maybe we could have been great together.

 

I don't know and I no longer have the desire to find out.

[smartgirl]

I am with those who say don't see him until he is actually out of the house. First, he may find it easier said than done and move back in. Second, you will not seem so needy and he will know that you mean business.

 

I don't say that you can't trust him. You love him and want to trust him. But he may be more confused that he realizes, may not be as sure of what he wants to do as he thinks and you don't sound in any condition to take more of an emotional roller coaster.

 

If he is the one, if he thinks you are the one, if he is sure his M is over -- then surely the relationship is strong enough to take a two or three month hiatus. If it isn't strong enough for that - that will be good information to know.

 

I believe that if you don't see him until it is on your terms you will feel much better about yourself than if you continue to see him on his terms - especially given the history.

[Seen_It_All]

Ugh - is the lying creep that basically lets his wife support him and provides his health insurance for him while he lays around the house all day not doing a da*mned thing to help?

 

Is this also the creep that WHILE his wife is out supporting his loser a*ss and providing health insurance for him, he's out cheating on her by LYING to you about his marital status, his age, and everything ELSE he could lie about?

 

And is he the same parasite that bad-mouths his wife continually - while only too happily lapping up the health benefits and her weekly paycheck?

 

Yeah, he's a REAL prince. A REAL prince.

 

I pity your poor child for the HE*LL you've been putting him/her through with all this DRAMA, CHAOS, and NONSENSE - as well as the future disaster and dysfunction you're only too happy to subject this poor kid to.

 

Call me crazy, but do you think it might be a good idea to actually put your CHILD first?

[rdnkgrl31]

Just my opinion here, but if you had ALL of him, he'd be with you. You would have his last name, not her! If he wants you so bad, why doesn't he at least legally separate, to show that to you? It sounds like more lies to get you to do what he wants, which is wait on him to make a decision. If he does all of those things with you/for you, then why in the h*** is he staying married?? Did I see that someone said that this M had no children??? It seems easier to understand when there are children involved, but if there aren't, then what is his reasoning?

[Cliche]

Ugh - is the lying creep that basically lets his wife support him and provides his health insurance for him while he lays around the house all day not doing a da*mned thing to help?

 

Is this also the creep that WHILE his wife is out supporting his loser a*ss and providing health insurance for him, he's out cheating on her by LYING to you about his marital status, his age, and everything ELSE he could lie about?

 

And is he the same parasite that bad-mouths his wife continually - while only too happily lapping up the health benefits and her weekly paycheck?

 

Yeah, he's a REAL prince. A REAL prince.

 

I pity your poor child for the HE*LL you've been putting him/her through with all this DRAMA, CHAOS, and NONSENSE - as well as the future disaster and dysfunction you're only too happy to subject this poor kid to.

 

Call me crazy, but do you think it might be a good idea to actually put your CHILD first?

 

Is there a reason you're so nasty? Really. And ftr, half of the things you claim are not things I've said.

[Cliche]

Thanks to everyone else for your opinions and advice. I see so many smart women on here on both sides of the fence. I really do admire many of you. And so many of you seem so put together. I am usually put together. I'm an attorney, a kick@ss friend, a great mom, a fun person, an organizer, a person others have told me they look up to. Yet right now I feel so weak and so unsure. This is awful. I don't think I had this much pain when I was figuring out how to end my marriage. Why is this so bad for just a 10 month relationship?

 

*sigh* And I tried going out on a date with another guy just to see what happened and it was miserable. Nothing. Only thought of MM the entire time. I'm stuck.

 

And you're right, smartgirl. I don't think I can handle being on this roller coaster. But I don't know that I can handle being off it either.

[rdnkgrl31]

Cliche, I am working my way off the roller coaster. It can be done!!! At least I am not waiting for his phone calls anymore. I don't expect them anymore. I still miss him alot and think about him a whole bunch. Which sucks! You will know when you are fed up and done w/ it. And when that day comes you will be so much stronger. It will be easier to walk away.

[GreenEyedLady]

Thanks to everyone else for your opinions and advice. I see so many smart women on here on both sides of the fence. I really do admire many of you. And so many of you seem so put together. I am usually put together. I'm an attorney, a kick@ss friend, a great mom, a fun person, an organizer, a person others have told me they look up to. Yet right now I feel so weak and so unsure. This is awful. I don't think I had this much pain when I was figuring out how to end my marriage. Why is this so bad for just a 10 month relationship?

 

*sigh* And I tried going out on a date with another guy just to see what happened and it was miserable. Nothing. Only thought of MM the entire time. I'm stuck.

 

And you're right, smartgirl. I don't think I can handle being on this roller coaster. But I don't know that I can handle being off it either.

 

This A does not define you...don't let it...what defines you is that you are an attorney, a kick-ass friend great mom etc...

 

Don't doubt yourself...decide what you want and go after it...GEL

[Seen_It_All]

Is there a reason you're so nasty? Really. And ftr, half of the things you claim are not things I've said.

LOL, ok..I was just imagining the follow partial quotes from your prior posts then, right?

 

He has lied to me. About a lot of things. Where he lived, his age, how often he sees her.

 

I found out he lives there full time.

 

Why can't I just see that he has both lied to me and blamed me when I caught his lies? Why can't I use that to understand that he wants to trick me, not love me? But what if I'm wrong? What if that is just a human flaw and he really does love me and want me in his life?

Well, I guess I got the parts right about him LYING to you about being married, LYING to you about his age, and a host of OTHER lies he's told you.

 

I do think he is just staying because it is comfortable. He is older. He had some health problems and likes the fact that he can do minimal work now and relax. She is paying for most everything through her good job.

 

There are issues there, and maybe I should be concerned about them as well...procrastination, irresponsibility, selfishness.

Had to bold that sentence about his wife basically SUPPORTING him since once again, it seems I got it right.

 

Btw, I introduced him to my kids when I still thought he was truly separated and in the midst of a divorce. Believe me, if there is one thing I regret about this relationship, it is getting them involved. But they're young. In a few months, they probably won't remember him. That's what I'm hoping.

Apparently I wasn't wrong about it being a bad thing that this liar and user is around your children because you yourself state that you regret having introduced him to your children under false pretenses. That wasn't YOUR fault, Cliche, that you didn't KNOW he was married and inadvertently lied to your kids. But you know it NOW and you probably haven't been honest with them about it. His presence in their lives is a cancer. You yourself said you're regretting bringing him around your kids because he's DISHONEST. Plain and simple - he's NOT a good role model for your kids. Not with the dishonesty, chaos, upheaval and deceit he brings with him.

 

exMM was not sought out. He pursued me and I did not know he was a "married man." He told me the divorce was in process and his wife was completely out of the picture.

Every single time your MM claimed to be 'separated' and in a 'loveless marriage,' or that his wife was 'out of the picture,' he was disrespecting her and badmouthing her. He literally turned her into a NON-ENTITY to you. I still stand by what I said - this woman is supporting him and paying all their bills while he's seeking out other women and telling them that he's SEPARATED and his wife is 'out of the picture.' That is plain evil to do to someone whose out working to support you. But it's even MORE foul that he continues to STAY there, disrespecting her every single day but continuing to let HER support him.

 

I don't get what information was 'half wrong' in my post above. Seems like pretty much everything I said about him has been backed up by your own prior posts, Cliche. In fact, after my last 'nasty' post, you had this to say:

 

Thank you, Seen it all. Your post and No I Didn't's "big grown baby manchild" made me laugh. For that, I'm thankful.

 

You're right. You're all right. Killing the hope is really tough, though. Even though I know that he is not the right man for me since he can't show me the respect of honesty, communication and real selfless love, killing that hope is tough. It just is.

 

I don't sugarcoat my posts. I call a spade a spade and the reality of this situation is that you've been conned by a lying, using, deceitful, manipulative, selfish, self-centered, useless a*sshole. And I also stand by the fact that you KNOW he is all these things, yet you're still willing to hold out hope that you'll actually 'win' this prize - and bring this toxic creature into your own children's LIVES.

 

I ask again, how could you DO that in good conscience??

[pureinheart]

Tell him goodbye until he moves out in June and gets that divorce. IF you stay with him as things are (letting the affair continue) he won't leave. IF you want to see what this man is all about, if he is true of his words and promises to you - STAY away until his divorce is final. You can not have him in your life for afew months. Just gotta keep busy and let him do what he has to do.

 

You cannot be his bestfriend, again, that's enabling him to DO nothing to change.

 

It is good that you've set your rules. Don't cave on them. Like if the end of June comes and he's made NO effort to end his marriage or gives you that line "Wait until the end of the summer..." Don't fall for it or settle for it.

 

WWIU is so right....also it will give you time to sort things out....there was a lot of deception here, and without time to work it out you will carry that into the relationship should he actually leave.....