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March 23, 2015

I wonder how fast I can drive my car into the overpass, how high I could get it to go.

Would you even notice I'm gone? Probably not....probably wouldn't care either.

March 23, 2015

The strangest thing happened over the weekend that brought memories of us flooding back, and it was like you were there.
Our favorite TV show that we always used to watch together has been off the air for a while, and last night I checked the DVR and there were several new episodes that had been recorded. It reminded me of cuddling with you on the couch, making you popcorn, laughing together, being so at ease in each other's company. It made me sad, and made me wonder if I will ever find that kind of feeling again, with anyone. Part of me doesn't want to, because of how special it still feels that I found it with you. And part of me does, because I deserve better after how you walked away.

That sucks, my friend. I kinda take strength from reading your posts and reflecting on how meaningless is my less-than-a-year relationship compared to your marriage and with how courage are you confronting its demise. And still I get the chills when I read your post and think of the weird things and laughs we used to share some months ago. Once again, I don't really think in such thing as karma, but if it does exist I really hope you finally get all the good you deserve in return.

March 24, 2015

Hi,

Please don’t be annoyed that I have contacted you, I don’t intend to cause any trouble. I don’t expect a reply, either. I understand that you dislike me and that’s understandable. I’m not trying to interfere in your life or make you unhappy.

I know that you’re happy now, and I am happy for you. I have to be honest, I am struggling without your guidance and your support. I miss it immensely; I miss my friend.

You know the story – my life’s not been the greatest. When I met you, I felt like I belonged to someone, a part of something. I met all your friends and your family, and I felt part of something. I enjoyed the thought of us having a future together – it was finally the relative happiness I wanted. I just wanted stability after never having had it.

Now that’s all gone and I am lost, again. I did love you – I don’t know what kept going wrong with us, but I did love you. I know you probably look back and think it was horrible, especially now that you’re happy with a new partner. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that amount of happiness. I’m not good at relationships, but my intentions were always good.

I don’t know what to do without your guidance. I’m not trying to win you back or anything – I just don’t know what to do. You taught me a lot about life, and encouraged me in so many ways and now that isn’t there. And I can’t even talk to you – I’ve been cut out of your life. I don’t even have my friend, anymore.

I am actually debating whether to send this to her. I feel so weak, right now.

March 24, 2015

I'm bored enough to remember it's been two years today since I was so lost and so blinded by pain I didn't know who to go to anymore, or what to do, so with the help of google I found this site, and was slowly guided into picking myself up.

I have come a long way since then but I sometimes feel sadness... not towards what could have been, but towards how I allowed you to treat me, it's baffling... I've thought of how you extracted this codependency issue I have and that I wasn't aware of, but then I also think how trashy you were really.... looking back at what happened from this distance, you really went to town with me didn't you? there wasn't an aspect of my life that you didn't try to bombard, ugly? check, poor? check, talentless? check, like I'd never go anywhere? check, like you were the highest I could aspire to? check, like my chance of a lifetime was gone? check

What's hilarious is that when I started talking to you a year later, I realized these were exactly your own issues, we got friendly enough for you to confess how bad-looking you felt, how financially unsuccessful, how frustrated at missing your chance with me each time...

Anyway, breakups are strange...

I had a date last night, he was cute, and I had the most interesting conversation.. we hugged and I was off on my own, I walked all these usually crowded downtown blocks, same blocks I walked in tears some months ago, and it was late and the streets were empty, and I was listening to a song that used to remind me of you but that now it just reminds me of how good it is!, I felt so liberated, and I felt happiness... and this quietness and confidence that even last year I didn't feel, like the chain has been removed. I read somewhere that it takes two years to get over someone, maybe it's not true for some people, but when I look back into my love life, two years is really about the time it took me to leave someone behind, I always thought you'd take longer, god knows no one else ever inflicted such pain in me, but it happened, being a little grossed out sped up the process.

I don't fantasize about us anymore... I don't miss you. Thinking of you feels so irrelevant.

Thanks though, for pushing me into that dark place where I ended up having to mature and do extreme soul searching, that was one nasty job you did but I guess someone had to do it!. Thanks for always being coherent with your as*hole behavior, even in our last conversation last month, your set of questionable values was still intact.

Even though we could be in worse terms, I will not talk to you in two years, and when time's up, I can't promise I will have the interest to do so.

I'm no one to wish you anything and I know it's more of the same for you (treating people like s*it), you're in your almighty 30s and your head is up your a*s, maybe forever, maybe just for a few more years, either way good luck with that!

March 24, 2015

I am actually debating whether to send this to her. I feel so weak, right now.

DO NOT! she's with someone else. Believe me on this one, she's going to look at it, feel a little bad and if you're lucky, she will get back to you with one or two lines, along the lines of 'aw sorry you feel like this, you'll always be special'. Pity. Do not send her anything. The struggle is only yours and nobody else's and you WILL get past this, keep working hard on it, keep posting on this thread if necessary... but really, when you heal you will wish you hadn't sent that. I sent that type of email twice... I have almost blocked them out of my mind because it's so downgrading, so embarrassing and I was so above that!, my ex was already f*cking someone else, when these emails came into conversation a year later, he couldn't even remember some important information I had squeezed into them, he was in his honeymoon phase with someone else, he was gone....

When I used to post in this thread and wonder whether I should actually send that, I'd just turn computer/cell off and was off to doing something else (working out, watching a movie, sleeping), it worked for me.

March 24, 2015

This is the first morning since our breakup, that you weren't on my mind when I woke up!

March 24, 2015

Hey, its day 22 of no contact already. No urge from me to send you a text though, but it sucks to lose someone who was nice to you isn't it? I hope you feel worse than me and realise what I really meant when I did all those begging. Every time I listen to my favourite song I will have this urge to cry. You ruined my favourite song. I hate you :<

March 25, 2015

Day 43 and it's not getting any easier. I've never been as sad or cried as much in my life. I'm doing everything right but I really miss you in my life.

March 25, 2015

Going on a date tonight with someone you know. When you find out, will you be upset?

March 26, 2015

My mom isn't doing too well. She's been in the hospital for over a week. I feel like I sent her there by sharing my burdens. Ever since we broke up I've been depressed and I shared with my mom my suicidal thoughts. I didn't realize how much pain I was causing her. If she died' date=' I would never forgive myself for all this mess. I have so much guilt over what I done to us that I cannot bear anymore guilt if something were to happen to my mom. I feel I should have taken a job closer to home with my parents getting older like this and having health problems. I am the youngest and should be there for them. I am so mad at my decision. Well, that's all I wanted to say. It's just been kinda tough these last weeks and I have no one to talk to about this. How's your parents?[/quote']

I think you should look into counseling. Counseling can help. Sorry you are going through this.

March 26, 2015

I love you deepanjali... God knows when I will be healed because I don't want to forget you my baby ...

March 26, 2015

I've started listening to Imagine Dragons because of you. I stopped listening to them because of you. I started to hang out during weekends because of you. I don't feel like exiting the house everyday because of you. I thought that this was the chance that I will be happy forever because of you. Now I dont ever feel like getting into a relationship again because of you.

I've given so much in this relationship, and I got so less in return, and you stepped all over me. I trusted you and given you my heart, yet you broke it. Now I'm on my bed most of the time, trying to fix the pieces, and you're probably enjoying yourself with your new bf. This is probably the lowest point I've ever been in life, thanks to you.

March 26, 2015

Thanks for ruining my date. Jerk.

March 27, 2015

DO NOT! she's with someone else. Believe me on this one, she's going to look at it, feel a little bad and if you're lucky, she will get back to you with one or two lines, along the lines of 'aw sorry you feel like this, you'll always be special'. Pity. Do not send her anything. The struggle is only yours and nobody else's and you WILL get past this, keep working hard on it, keep posting on this thread if necessary... but really, when you heal you will wish you hadn't sent that. I sent that type of email twice... I have almost blocked them out of my mind because it's so downgrading, so embarrassing and I was so above that!, my ex was already f*cking someone else, when these emails came into conversation a year later, he couldn't even remember some important information I had squeezed into them, he was in his honeymoon phase with someone else, he was gone....

When I used to post in this thread and wonder whether I should actually send that, I'd just turn computer/cell off and was off to doing something else (working out, watching a movie, sleeping), it worked for me.

Hey - I didn't send it and I feel good for not having done it. If they cared, we'd still be together and not having to come up with emails like that!!

March 27, 2015

For a long time, I blamed myself for letting you get away. I am done with that. From now on, I am going to stop blaming myself and remind myself what happened: YOU left me, when I loved you and treated you better than anyone you have ever known, including your own family. YOU gave up on us, not me. YOU are the one who ripped my heart out and showed no remorse. From now on, I am blaming you and forgiving myself. Maybe I will forgive you some day for what you did to me, and to us, but I sure as hell am not going to blame myself anymore.

March 27, 2015

Day 50 something of NC. I have had my tough moments, shed my tears, felt my heart tremble and quake. I have pushed away memories that are like pushing away on rushing waves on a sunlit beach, and I have sat quietly beneath the stars alone next to the ghost of your shadow. I know now the pain of loss, I know now how shallow the well that was your heart which was only so deep and how you left me alone with all of that and more. While I.have anger, I won't give.into.hate which comes from fear of.being alone. I wish you the best, and I will try to move on...

March 28, 2015

I wanted to tell you, Jenn...that I knew all along.

I knew what you were doing with Michael. I knew you jumped from our failed relationship into one with him but you could never admit it to me, even when I asked you point blank to your face several times. You always maintained that he was just a "good friend" to you and hid under that guise as he was your only friend you could confide in the time as you had so very few local friends you could open up to. But I knew...

Even when we were broken up and you were still living with me, I knew what you were doing when you got out of work at 4pm and would go to his place each night and come home at 8pm ish and tell me you had a "late night at work" which was bull****.

All I wanted was the straight truth from you, but you could never give it to me. And it drove me mad. It drove me insane being that "2nd guy" that you would come home to who gave you the emotional support you needed from our failed relationship while you would spend most of your time with Michael gaining physical and emotional support from him as well.

You told me that you hated that I always "assumed" things were going on between you and Michael and I had no proof, but I knew. I knew by the way you guarded your phones, your computer, your stories on where you were and what you did, and how you reluctant to share with me the ins and outs of your day and how your face would "light up" when you received a text message from him. It was the same excited face you showed when we began our relationship.

You could have given me that courtesy of telling me the real truth when you lived with me. You didn't have to hide it as if it was nothing and go and do what you did expecting me not to notice or be hurt.

I love you and care about you (this is what we would always say to each other), and for the longest time I endured what you did because of those feelings I have for you and I hoped I could get you back and amend for what I did, but it was maddening that you hid your relationship with him from me.

I want you to know that even though you didn't tell me the real truth of what you were doing with Michael...I knew. I didn't just know because I read your text messages on your phone and confronted it with you that day nor was it seeing through the lies you gave to me each day of the late nights at work or when you would come home and immediately run for the shower...

I knew because I hired a private detective who tracked you, and mapped out your routines, your schedule, where you went, and took video and pictures of you kissing him and being with him since mid January. That was the proof I needed to understand the truth you were so reluctant to give me and its sad that I had to go that route, but I needed to know.

I will never understand why you hid that from me. I told you many times, if he is truly your friend...if he is truly someone you like...don't shame that relationship. Don't hide what you are doing in front of me. Don't cover your phone when you are with me and he texts you. Don't lie where you were telling me you love and care about me when you are at his apartment waiting for him to come home. Own what you are doing and tell the truth. I made a pact with you, that i'd help you move out, and put you back on the path to your happiness but all I wanted/needed in return was for us both to be open about things. I needed you to tell the truth to me.

I wanted to be able to let go and move on too. Just like you did. All I needed was that truth that you were with someone else now. I asked you several times, but you never budged. You always left me wondering. You forced me to find the truth on my own.

So I knew...I knew all along. I was just too blinded by the love I had for you and the hope that I might be able to fix things to tell you.

"There is no justice when it comes to ex's..." - I believe now in this saying...

Have a good night and safe trip to Cali.

March 28, 2015

Hey, good morning.

I hope you're alright?

I erm... I'm sorry for before.

I miss you. I miss your old soul guidance to my new soul naivety, and just being around you.

I miss Saturday morning crepes and Saturday evening glutton zone.

I miss you throwing treats on the rug for Everybody, even though she hated it.

I just...I miss you.

x

March 28, 2015

It kills me that you pulled the rug out from me and dumped me out of nowhere. Up until the day before you dumped me, we were on the same page for all parts of our relationship. Then out of nowhere you tell me that we're in different places and you want to date other people.

I'm so angry at you still. You broke my heart. I wanted forever with you and you ended it.

Oh, and by the way, you don't get to tell me not to vent on FB. I didn't use your name (few people knew we were back together) And I really HATE that your "friends" told you I was talking about it and that I apparently said it was all your fault. Well it WAS your fault, but I didn't say that.

Oh and you don't get to ask for no contact and then text & FB message me the next damn day! I deleted the messages without responding because I didn't want to talk to you. Just go date others since that's what you WANT to do.

I'm about 90% sure that you met someone else the night before you ended it. Maybe you cheated on me, maybe you didn't.

I do know that I deserve better than you.

March 28, 2015

I'm numb.

I don't feel any real emotions.

Not anger.

Not love lost.

I simply feel numb.

I suppose this wall I built was mighty after all because I feel nothing.

I want to see you though. Because I'm split. When I'm with you. I'm happy. My face literally hurts so much from smiling, and just the way you make me feel, but when you go. I don't know how to behave nor know how to be without you.

I love you.

I believed I was in the processes of falling in love with you.

I wasn't honest because I was afraid to lose you. Now I lost you anyways. Why couldn't I just been honest? Oh well. I didn't wanna lose you. I'll miss you. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

March 28, 2015

A,

Time is NOT helping me. The longer we don't speak (going on 50 days or so), the more I know that I have lost you forever. It's killing me. I miss you every single second of every single day. You live right down the street, why don't you come see me? Ahhhh!!!!!! I guess I ended up loving you more than you did towards me and that hurts. Hurts deep. I can't stop crying over you, over us. This sadness will not go away. I do not want to replace the love I have for you with someone else. I really don't. I know it will happen eventually and I hate it. I hate knowing that I have to live my life without you. I chose you. I chose you damnnit! You were obsessed with me and us. Wtf happened? We were so good. I feel so much guilt and I do not know why. I didn't do anything. Sorry I'm not where I need to be. I don't have my "**** together" in your eyes. Love's not enough; it doesn't pay the bills. Congrats on the new guy. I hope the relationship burns in hell.

I love you,

BlackbirdSong

March 28, 2015

Wrong place.

Edited March 28, 2015 by Itspointless

March 28, 2015

**** you.

10chars

March 28, 2015

A,

Time is NOT helping me. The longer we don't speak (going on 50 days or so), the more I know that I have lost you forever. It's killing me. I miss you every single second of every single day. You live right down the street, why don't you come see me? Ahhhh!!!!!! I guess I ended up loving you more than you did towards me and that hurts. Hurts deep. I can't stop crying over you, over us. This sadness will not go away. I do not want to replace the love I have for you with someone else. I really don't. I know it will happen eventually and I hate it. I hate knowing that I have to live my life without you. I chose you. I chose you damnnit! You were obsessed with me and us. Wtf happened? We were so good. I feel so much guilt and I do not know why. I didn't do anything. Sorry I'm not where I need to be. I don't have my "**** together" in your eyes. Love's not enough; it doesn't pay the bills. Congrats on the new guy. I hope the relationship burns in hell.

I love you,
BlackbirdSong

It will, don't worry.

March 29, 2015

I'm coping really well actually, and I know that.

I miss your friendship. We've been friends for nearly 20 years and to suddenly stop talking to you is so hard.

I'm not missing the relationship because I realize now we were never a good match.

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