Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[KBarletta]

My current dilemma:

 

1. I try SO DAMN HARD to hate you.

 

2. Then I see your face for a split second, my heart sinks, I feel sad and sorry for you for hating you, then I have to stop hating you because I still love you so much.

 

3. Repeat step 1.

 

It's exhausting.

[darkbloom]

Dear A,

 

I want to reach out to you even though I have nothing to say. My need to fix you tells me that it's okay to put my pride aside and just check on you this last time. Make sure you're not drinking too much. Make sure you're not in the fetal position having a breakdown like the last two times I found you. Make sure that you still haven't changed your job or been to the doctor to work on your depression. Make sure you're still angry with your father over something neither of you can change but you'll pretend to hide it like a good son. I also wanted to see how your mom is doing. I wonder what you told her about us and if you would ever be able to cop to the truth if it meant seeing the hurt in her eyes. I doubt it.

 

The last time I saw you, I told you it would have been better if I left you alone as the lost little boy I found you as. I bet you're more lonely now. Did you even think that was possible? What with the guilt of how you treated me and losing the only person that has ever been loyal to you. I bet the whole pretending-I'm-okay-thing is getting really exhausting for you.

 

I will not be sending you any of this though. The satisfaction you would get from seeing my name pop up on your phone is too much for me to bear. I bet you look at it every time it rings and think it's me. You left the ball in my court and told me if I changed my mind that I could contact you. Every day that goes by I am sure is a small panic for you. How much alcohol are you drinking now to cope with it? You know there is no way for you to apologize for the things you have done. Is that why you haven't broken the no contact first? Are you afraid of my reaction? When you offered to let me hit you, I didn't take it. Never would have. I left before you to keep my self respect.

 

Remember one of the last times we hung out? You took me shopping. We laughed and stood really close and spent the entire day together. We shared a coffee and you held my hand. We were happy. Deep down, even then, I still felt the fear. The fear that if I pushed too hard you'd pull away. I realize now that I always felt that fear in the back of my mind. But the time spent with you was a high and the fear was the only thing keeping me grounded back to earth. Is that what love is? Being so high one minute and then crashing and burning the next?

 

My fear is gone but yours remains. Call me bitter or vengeful but I am glad that you are struggling. I struggled but have emerged better than ever. I am letting you go.

 

Love,

DB

 

P.S. You're post number 12127 on this thread. I wonder what you would think knowing that you're not that special after all. That whatever we had is derivative and boiled down to a post on an advice forum.

Edited February 20, 2015 by darkbloom
p.s.

[skulldolly]

We didn't breakup per say, but he's been going through some personal turmoil deciding where he wants his future to take him. He said he needed space and I could handle that - what I can't handle is the ignoring me.

 

It's been two weeks of up and down contact from both of us, he called me yesterday and said he loved me etc. But I am sick of not knowing where I stand, so today I texted him 'I don't deserve the way you've been treating me. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore.' and I am sticking to it.

 

Every time I freak out he ignores me, after a while I learnt that if I don't want to be ignored then don't freak out. I need to use the same tactic on him, if he wants me to still be there as a friend he can't just come and go as he pleases with the contact. I am going to give it a month of not contacting him, I need to be strong and ride the waves of wanting to contact him and let them pass.

 

If he gets in touch or wants me back he needs to make some serious changes to his approach. But for now I'm working on my own life - I may sound strong, but this has been tearing me in half.

[Aruchi]

I'm finally starting to forget who you are and it feels really good that I made it to this point. Even those good memories that were all lies are starting to fade. I don't wish you good or bad luck anymore. I'm just happy that I don't have to remember you.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Aruchi

[stopdreaming]

he lied to me for 5 years. we finally separated…he found me with another man 5 months after our separation. this is what i want to say to him:

 

I was thinking tonight that I will likely never remarry because I already married that one person who truly got me and fell in love with all of me. I knew he loved me but he just couldn't take it all the way through and through. I knew you weren't quite ready for all of this but in the beginning I had patience and looked forward to watching you become whole. I believed!!! I didn't look at it as chancing it rather it enlightened me because you were so enlightened yourself. I know you loved me. I know you still love me and even though you say you did all of this bad stuff because of the love for me, and even though that sounds so wrong, I do believe you. It's really true how when you lose trust in someone you lose everything. Ive never lost my faith or trust in anyone in my whole life and there I was living with a man I loved in whom I did not trust. For so long too. For so long... I'm not sad so much about not finding true love again because I found it and I had it and now I have our son to remind me of it. I'm sad that I'll be on my own and that my life is about to get a lot worse and that is what really really really gets me sad. I feel I failed our son as a parent and that makes me so sad and god damnit I hope that I feel just a bit better in a few months because right now finically I couldn't be in any worse shape, my business is completely messed up, and as much as you feel such sadness and defeat I understand it... I feel it. You were supposed to take care of me, us and YOU. And I was to take care of you, us and ME. But you wouldn't let me because you couldn't find the path. my god I will be damned to let this divorce bring any of us any lower or further into the bedrock than we already are. I feel like this is some wicked awful punishment of some sort. What have we both done to deserve such a life? We were so high and then it all flipped and now here we are both stuck in a place we hate, where the inspiration to grow and flourish is non existent and we have become like them. Like every one else around us on this awful island. I hate it. I hate who I've become and I hate what has happened to us. I hate it and I think it's so so so sad. I don't need to discuss this. You may respond but I feel, right now, in this message that I have openly spoken my darkest and deepest feelings in a way I have never expressed before.

[Tarot777]

You owe me an apology for once. You're a coward and too weak for me, I need a man.

[na49]

Here I am struggling to go an hour without thinking of you, and you probably go hours (maybe days) without thinking about me. How is it so easy for you to move on from the guy you spent the last 3 years of your life with? How is it so easy for you to move on after everything you told me? Did you ever mean any of it? Could I have been any random guy and had you telling me those things? Did you REALLY love me? It doesn't feel like it...

 

You may be with him. You might be happy single. Either way, I guess it's safe to assume you are happy without me.

[AbhorredBeard]

You've hurt me more than you realize. You pull me up and push me down so much and I just can't take it anymore. You have so much power over me still, and I hate it.

[crazycanuck86]

I'm not mad any more just still hurt and confused, I don't want you back that much I know.

[mnrdgz]

Hey love, I miss you. I can't believe things ended between us. I know you want your space. I want to give you that space. I want you to move on. I more than anything want to move one too. If we are meant to be with each other, then we will cross paths again. I miss you terribly. I long for your smile. I long for you.. I just want you back in my life. I wish we would have been able to handle things differently. My heart hurts so much. You mean so much to me. You have no idea. It hurts to not have that be reciprocal. I understand my depression pushed you away. You think we are not compatible. But I can't see it. My heart hurts so much. SO MUCH. I wish I had a time machine.

[grabaka]

My wife of 5 years left me and filed for divorce in November for a co-worker who was married as well. Long story short the co-worker was using my spouse basically for sex, and now he is back with his wife and going to marriage counseling. So my wife and his affair lasted for 2 1/2 months maybe...now the truth about him returning to his wife came out 2 weeks ago and he and my wife no longer see each other. Last week before I had to move out for divorce purposes my stbx starts talking to me again and even contacted me with her new cell number I didnt have. She offered marriage counseling, and that threw me for a loop. I told her to cancel this divorce first. She said the only way she would work on us is if the divorce is finalized, we live separately, we work on our own lives first, then maybe potentially we could start to see each other again. I turned that down, I know that there to be some underlying intentions from her offer in her favor. Long story short I now live in a lonely apartment I do not want to be at, and I am missing my home and my dogs I will never see again. Our divorce will be final in 5 days, Feb 26th.

 

I wonder if she thinks of me ever? And if our house reminds her of me? It really messed with my mind she came back at the last minute and offered a crappy bargain to potentially work on us. She said she is not ok with the fact of never seeing me or hearing from me again. Im so confused. I admit I'll probably never get over she cheated, but it would be nice to know she does feel remorse or regret, and that she wishes she would have not of ever left.

 

My new struggle is I am waiting for the day she contacts me again....if that day ever comes. Every time I get the mail I wonder if I'll get a letter from her, or every time I get a text or call I rush to see if it is her. Even though she killed me inside, part of me wants to know atleast meant something to her after being together so long.

 

I admit I look at her facebook even though she has made it to where I cant see who she is friends with or, see her pictures. I can only see her profile picture and that hurts enough. Each day I struggle to keep no contact.I need to heal and hopefully move on and forget her. But man she really had my heart, and I thought we were going to be together for ever and I knew what my life and future was going to be with her.....in a split second that was all gone when she left and abandoned me. Its rough now. I just wish I knew if she was struggling and wishes she wasnt so stupid and selfish, cause I struggle every second of everyday since it happened. I hope the no contact Im doing makes her see what she has lost.

Edited February 21, 2015 by grabaka

[Cupid's Puppet]

No really. Save it. I don't need to know. Some things are better left unsettled.

[leavesonautumn]

I have never, ever felt the urge this strongly to text you.

 

Was at a pub last night with my best friend and we were observing this guy who looked so much like you but the face was only a bit different, was it you after surgery? Some of his mannerisms were like yours but a lot weren't. You hardly gave me the look of recognition when we both looked at each other. We were both questioning it and then a girl came to the table, clearly this dude's girlfriend. I want to ask you SO BADLY if you were there last night. But could the first thing I say to you after over a year be "Were you at Brewster's last night?"

 

So it's taken me over a year to reach this desperate ex stage. Really? WTF. What more closure do I need? I feel crazy about this.

[ApexTitanium]

I miss you so damn much even though you dumped me and have treated me like **** ever since....I hate that I love you so much and I can't move on

**** you god damn bitch......I ****ing hate you for doing this to me I want to curl into a ball and disappear from the world

[neildc]

This is a fantastic idea...I actually regret the decision I made breaking it off with my ex of almost 5 years. She wasn't having reconciliation, and I was upset but looking back, totally understand it. I was pathetically emailing her often, pleading, etc.

 

I don't deserve sympathy, I made the mistake of breaking it off for a trivial reason (not seeing each other enough).

 

I have typed up so many damned emails in draft status, it is ridiculous. I know I messed things up, but I deserve to be happy as well. I loved her and will take these lessons forward. It's just really hard to get over someone that was madly in love with you who you hurt. I fee like leaving her was the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Glad there is a place here to vent and just talk. You guys are awesome.

[leia1028]

Yeah, you broke up with me. I just wanted to say thank you. It's actually a win-win. You set me free. God knows I didn't have the strength or courage to break up with you (i was afraid of your abusive behavior), so God helped me out by having you do it instead. It hurt, but I knowit's for the best. I can't believe I let you control my life and emotionally abuse me for so long. We should've broken up earlier...You kept me bottled up for a long time, that's why it surprised you how social I am. I can finally be who I am again and do things that make me happy. I'm thankful it's over now than suffering for a longer period of time. Now look who is sad and angry. You're making yourself angry, so don't blame it on me. Yeah I get sad too, but I know whats better for me. I guess I miss the relationship, not you. I KNOW I'll be okay. Each day I'm healing. And I know I'll find someone 1000X better than you and I'll find someone who can treat me better than you did. I know i set a high standard in your life, and i'm worth more than how you treated me. Good luck finding a girl who made sacrifices like I did and giving so much into the relationship, and good luck to her for being in a relationship with you and deal with your behavior. I do wish you the best. You don't have to worry about wishing me the best, I know i WILL get the best. Breaking off our relationship was just the beginning of having the best in my life.

 

I didn't think I would be able to reach this point in my life, being happy about what happened. I wasn't sure if I would be able to move on...but time does heal all wounds. Positivity and hope that everything will get better does help. I know I'm not completely healed, but I'm thankful I'm at this point. I think about you still, but it doesn't hurt me as much anymore. And I'm sure months from now, you will stop crossing my mind and if you did, it wouldn't bother me anymore. I'll get there, I just have to be patient and continue living life. I'm so excited to get to that point!

[FixItCris]

Why are you in my head today? I had a great weekend with a new lady, and we broke up almost 5 months ago, but this morning my mind is full of you. You don't deserve any thoughts at all.

I've come so close to looking you up on FB, because I barely remember your face, but I haven't, and I won't.

You are nothing but a scar on my heart. The woman in my head isn't even you. It's my picture of who I thought you were. She is long gone.

Edited February 22, 2015 by FixItCris

[CrystalShine2011]

It's nice to see this thread, I can remember how HARD it was to not contact that person. It occupied my mind every hour of the day!

[JFReyes]

You are nothing but a scar on my heart. The woman in my head isn't even you. It's my picture of who I thought you were. She is long gone.

 

I hear you brother.

 

Peace

:-)

[Crampaholic]

I miss you... I sometimes still cry about you. It's been almost 2 months since the BU and 3 weeks since full NC.

 

Why won't you miss me the way I do? Do you even care? think of me at all? have you moved on already? *sigh*

[KBarletta]

Every time the phone rings, or my e-mail dings, or I get a text, I hope it's from you. I hope it's you and I hope you are saying you made a mistake and begging me to take you back.

 

I probably would say no, but it would make me feel better at least if I knew you felt as bad as I do.

[ApexTitanium]

I think about you everyday, I miss you so much and I never thought you could just throw me away I wish you would contact me and say you miss me like I miss you....but you won't.

I was nothing to you. I proposed to you and had to max out two credit cards and a loan to get the ring you wanted.....only to have you throw me away like garbage a year later. I am so destroyed and feel like I'm living.....just to barely be alive.

I hope you find what you are looking for

[neildc]

Here I am being upset over you and you don't give a damn. I almost hate the thought of you now but I still love you. I made a mistake in leaving because I was scared of settling down, yes. But I manned up, admitted my mistake, and told you I wanted to do anything to make it work because we were more important than anything else to me. Then you tell me you're over it and you're already seeing someone? Go to hell. I deserve better than you. At least I was willing to fight for our love. When we broke up, you didn't ask me once to get back together. Communication was never your strong suit, but at least I made an effort. I'm sorry for leaving, I know I can't take that back. But I wanted to make things right. I have been living in a personal hell of depression for over a month since you stopped talking to me. I'm slowly getting stronger but I'd be lying if I still didn't miss and love you. I'm done texting or emailing you though. I won't be pathetic anymore. I poured my heart out to you and asked for forgiveness and you didn't give me the time of day. I hate you for that even though I understand.

[LooperDooper]

Screw you for not caring about one damn thing. You pretended to be little miss perfect and you pretended to be in this through the bad. I forgave you not once, not twice, I took you back and ignored the red flags. Why? Because I loved you. Screw you for not doing the same, screw you for giving up on this. And screw you even more for acting like you don't even care, I treated you like a princess and the one moment you can, you run after making me believe this **** was real.

 

Screw you.

[Charlie101]

Some month nc she messaged me hoping I was okay the other day after watching a film and thinking about me, wasn't rude so replied with I'm good hope all is good with her, and that was it....

 

Nearly just cracked though, wrote out an email to her hoping she was okay and apologising for the way I acted after she broke up with me ect was just about to click send but quickly deleted it....pheww

 

I wish there was a sure fire way that you could message them and have them come crawling back to you lol, I know I'll never get this girl back though and it's so hard I miss her so much.