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October 5, 2014

It's Saturday night, and guess what I am doing the 17th weekend in a row? Crying over you. Sobbing over you. Reminiscing over you. I think I will always be in this pain because I have decided to always love you. I will always cherish you, which means this pain will always be there. You were my first true love, and you got a permanent spot in my heart. I love you.

October 5, 2014

Dear ex,

I can't believe you can say you care and want to work things out, and then just totally ignore my messages and attempts at trying to work it out. I have no closure and have no clue what you're thinking. How can you just ignore me for this long after you say you care? How can you act like me and you never happened? How can you act so happy, after just a week ago you were saying you were so dead put on working things out? ... How can you just ignore me and leave me in the dust?

I hope you're not ignoring me and waiting for my "anger to blow over" and then you message me again... it will never work that way. You are just pushing problems underneath the carpet. We have yet to deal with any problems we've had.

Your poor communication hurts my soul and leaves me feeling worthless when you can just ignore me without a care and tweet 10 mins later. You find my pain funny and I can't understand why you do. What do you get out of me being in pain? I wana know. I just don't understand anything when it comes to you.

I have to get over you and stop analyzing you.

I will not break NC and refuse to. I have a feeling you will call and message me again when it's "right for you" and I hope you know how selfish you are. You never once stop to care about my feelings, you only care about your own.

I hope NC starts working soon and I slowly get over you and can look back and laugh at this and how stupid it is. I want that so bad.

October 6, 2014

I have been through all of this in my head a million times and what I have come up with is that you were never really that in love with me. You just wanted someone to live with you and take care of your kids. You thought you could just get me to be your platonic life mate that did everything for you while you screwed everyone else. You are a delusional psychopath and as much as I loved you nothing we ever had was real. I was in love with a big bunch of bull **** that was never even reality. Maybe you did really love me but that wasn't enough.

October 6, 2014

I had a wonderful day today and I'm the only one who needs to know that along with LS and all my loved ones

October 6, 2014

I guess today is just a tough day for me. Every so often I have days like this when I just feel alone and miss you. I really don't miss you though I miss having someone in my life but ill find someone real who I can actually share my time with. You would never cuddle up to me or just kiss me because you wanted to. That is what I want, someone who wants me and thinks about me all day and I will find it. You will just go around ruining peoples lives. I am sure you are in a LTR now but it won't last because you will **** it all up just like you did your marriage and our relationship because you have the emotions of a child and coping mechanisms of a 14 year old girl. I guess I am glad you are gone I just loved your stupid ass.

October 6, 2014

I really miss you tonight and I don't know why. I guess I am just lonely. I really wanted you so badly but you clearly didn't want me. You went around telling all of your coworkers I was no good and that you quote didn't like titles which was just rotten considering the fact that I took care of your kids every single day while you were bad mouthing me to everyone. Going around telling people I was abusive. You are the one who was abusive, hitting me all the time because I was upset about your cheating. Screaming at me at the top of your lungs because you were screwing other people. Nights like this I am just in pain and nothing seems to help really. Its pretty awful, I wonder if you have nights where you miss me and think about the horrible things you did. I doubt you have had more than a few and the few you had were just because you felt badly about wrongfully having me put in jail when you hit me. Who knows, I am glad to be rid of you but I am lonely and wish I had someone to comfort me and take away some of this pain. I wonder how your ex husband feels. I am sure he has gone through what I am going through. I wonder how many guys are out there thinking about you at this moment. Probably a few, how could someone who seems so sweet and kind be such an evil little bitch?

October 6, 2014

Today is a new day, full of possibilites that don't include you. Cheers!

October 6, 2014

I have loved you for 20 years 17 of them as a good honest and loving husband, I thought we would be together for life but you have your mid life problems and you don't communicate with me, because of this my heart is broken and I am seeing a counsellor because I am hurting more than ever before, I still love you and I think deep down you love me but how can you just push me out of our lives like this ? how can you do that after all our love and affection and everything we have been through together I want you back I want our marriage back I want to smile again I want to wake up beside you and hold your hand again, I want to see you wearing your rings again, please give us our lives back we miss you and we miss our old life please come home and fight for your marriage, stop running away from the problems in your head you cant hide from your own thoughts

October 6, 2014

Dear ex,

Today I feel fresh, renewed, like it's a brand new start. I'm putting my mind through a mental challenge to not look at your social media for a month

Psychologists say that if you can stop doing something for three weeks, you have officially kicked a bad habit. I'm hoping after a month goes by, I will feel no more urges.

I am changing myself and my life; cleansing it, if you will. I went to the gym this morning and am going to a six week anxiety seminar starting tomorrow.

I have a wonderful job and am almost done with nursing school. I have so much to look forward to.

You won't cross my mind anymore as you are not worth it at all. Out of sight and out of mind; I will no longer look for anything that has to do with you as it truly means nothing to me.

I am doing fine without you and will be so much happier months from now.

Love,

Me

October 6, 2014

I'm doing well with NC. I guess you're not.

I was surprised to hear from you at 3:30 pm on a Saturday (usually it's at 12/1 am.) You told me you missed me twice. I didn't say I missed you back. Guess that's why I didn't get any more emails from you. lol

You must have been drinking while watching the game. That's my bet.

I doubt very seriously I will ever tell you that I miss you or that I love you ever again.

And who's fault is that?

Edited October 6, 2014 by me85

October 6, 2014

I miss you terribly today. I think I'm starting to fully accept that you're not coming back. The hope that you would come back is starting to die. The death of that hope is what's hurting right now.

Everything reminds me of you today. The way the sun shone through the clouds this morning reminded me of when we first started dating because it was on a similar type of day. Every song on the radio somehow has a memory of you attached to it. Rolling over in bed reminds me that you're not there to cuddle up to ever again.

You feel so far away. I know it's only been 3 weeks, but it feels like it's been years. I'm starting to forget what you look like, what your voice sounds like, what you smell like. Instead of being a relief, this makes me sad. I'm afraid that I'm glossing over everything that was bad about you and glorifying everything that wasn't. You weren't perfect and you sure as hell weren't a great boyfriend. But right now I'm wondering if I'll ever meet someone who made me feel like you did. No one can measure to to your memory right now.

I wish I could remember you like I did when I was thinking about breaking up with you. Then, I saw you and our relationship for what it was instead of this idealized version I have of you in my mind because I'm lonely and haven't seen you for almost a month. I still am struggling with the fact that you're no longer a part of my life and never will be again.

I miss you. I wish you would hold me just one more time. But I know it would never be enough. I'm going to go cry for awhile. I hope you miss me too.

October 6, 2014

as autumn rolls on I feel cold and scared without you, the lights are on and the little fluffy ones are all curled up together on your sofa, where you used to be, your not there any more for us and we miss you so much, all you have to do is talk to me you have done nothing wrong you panicked and fled but you know you should of stayed to fight for our marriage, maybe right now your scared I just hope and pray that you wake up and sort things together before it goes to far and we become too distant, I love you dear wife with all my heart please come home to us we need you.

October 6, 2014

I miss you terribly today. I think I'm starting to fully accept that you're not coming back. The hope that you would come back is starting to die. The death of that hope is what's hurting right now.

Everything reminds me of you today. The way the sun shone through the clouds this morning reminded me of when we first started dating because it was on a similar type of day. Every song on the radio somehow has a memory of you attached to it. Rolling over in bed reminds me that you're not there to cuddle up to ever again.

You feel so far away. I know it's only been 3 weeks, but it feels like it's been years. I'm starting to forget what you look like, what your voice sounds like, what you smell like. Instead of being a relief, this makes me sad. I'm afraid that I'm glossing over everything that was bad about you and glorifying everything that wasn't. You weren't perfect and you sure as hell weren't a great boyfriend. But right now I'm wondering if I'll ever meet someone who made me feel like you did. No one can measure to to your memory right now.

I wish I could remember you like I did when I was thinking about breaking up with you. Then, I saw you and our relationship for what it was instead of this idealized version I have of you in my mind because I'm lonely and haven't seen you for almost a month. I still am struggling with the fact that you're no longer a part of my life and never will be again.

I miss you. I wish you would hold me just one more time. But I know it would never be enough. I'm going to go cry for awhile. I hope you miss me too.

Awww...HUGS to you Stranger. I hope you feel better soon!

October 6, 2014

Sometimes I think I miss you and that it would make everything better if I just had you back. I know that's not really true, I know that what I really want isn't to have you back, but to have you be a different person than you are. I wish that you actually were the person I thought I was dating, the honest southern southern gentlemen you pretended to be. I thought because you opened doors and gave me compliments about how beautiful my eyes were that I could make conclusions about you character. But all the empty compliments in the world won't build the character you don't have and the respect that you lack for women and yourself.

I also wish I hadn't told myself to dismiss all those little things you said and did, those things that said this isn't the guy for you. I guess I always knew this wasn't forever, I knew that deep down we were fundamentally different in the way we approach life. You were always blaming the rest of the world for the things you didn't accomplish in your own life, your parents didn't treat you fairly, your ex-girlfriends were crazy bitches and nobody would give you a hand up to follow your dreams of photography. I'd try in small little doses to remind you that nobody owes you anything, that life is what you make out of it, but I knew those words went in one ear and out the other. I wish I had been more concerned by this. You painted the world with this negativity that is so contrary to my character that maybe I thought I could save you from your own poisoning pessimism. That nobody every changes somebody is a lesson I learned a long time ago, and it was folly for me to entertain the notion in the first place.

I'm a recovering addict and you smoked pot every day, morning, afternoon and night and when you had a chance in between. Pot's legal where we live and there's such a culture of apathy towards it here and I certainly don't judge people for smoking. I never quite put it into solid words/thoughts while we were dating, but don't you understand that being high all the time means you have an addiction? That you aren't dealing with the world the way it really is. I get it, when your stoned nothing seems like a big deal. Its much easier to pretend someone is being a needy/crazy bitch when they have real-world expectations of you instead of recognizing they have a valid perspective that might differ from your own. I think you've been high for so long that you've forgotten what it feels like to really feel something. And therein lies one of our other major flaws as a couple, I was really there and present, but you were behind a literal smoke screen, going through the motions at a distance. I think if you ever stop smoking dealing with the world will be a very confusing and painful experience for you, and I guess that's why you don't quit.

What hurt me, more than anything, more than anyone has ever before, is that I believed, partly due to my own mistakes, that you were a better man. At the end of the day, all I wanted was for you to actually end our relationship, but you disappeared! You let me send messages and leave voice mails apologizing... thinking the demise of our relationship was my fault, but in reality you had checked out and were already on a trip with a different girl. And its not even that you cheated that really kills me, as difficult as it may be, I can understand that sometimes we might meet someone else that fits into our lives better. It was that you had so little regard for me that you couldn't have a difficult conversation, even when it was the right thing to do. That little nuance right there, is what colors everything I felt and thought about you. It's what made me realize you were a coward, an emotionally handicapped man-boy, someone so out of touch with humanity that an inconvenience to themselves was a good enough reason for them to cause true suffering in another person's life, a person they had claimed to care about. I know I was wrong to feel this way, but back then a I felt truly ugly and of less value because of the way you treated me. I kept thinking, how can I matter this little to another being, I kept thinking about how I could never treat another person in that way and that for you to do that I must be less than human in your eyes. I wonder sometimes if you feel bad, if you regret in any real way what you did to me. I hope that you do, at least then I wasn't entirely wrong about who you are. I hope that even if you can never have enough presence and reflection on this situation that you apologize to me, you learn some kind of lesson out of this. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I did as a result of you again.

Part of what's been so hard about this is that I fundamentally believe in the goodness of people and I've struggled to see what's good in you since you disappeared out of my life. I've struggled with the notion that I never really knew a thing about you and all the positive traits I saw in you were part of a grand act of deception on your part. I have struggled to believe that underneath what you've done, you are still a decent human being. I have never been fond of considering another person to be bad or cruel, I've always felt that people just get so mixed up in their own world and problems that they make bad choices and do hurtful things to others. It's hard for me to extend that belief to you because the pain you caused feels so personal. What is best for me is to remember that none of what you did had anything to do with me and everything to do with you. The fact that you feel no remorse or even if you do and simply can't own it, is a much, much bigger problem for you than it will ever be for me. It is fatal flaw that will follow you through life and infect every relationship you have with other human beings. I am lucky to have been separated from you before your faults permeated my own life. Remembering that is one of the few things that helped me to let go of my sadness and anger.

Still there are things I wish sometimes. I wish the man I thought I loved was real. I wish that you had had some small sense of decency that let you have a 5 minute conversation to end our relationship. I wish that I had known better or been more honest with myself. I wish that I didn't hurt over the actions of a less than worthy man. I wish that the lessons I learned in this relationship are some that I never have to revisit. I wish for the day when I will look back on what happened with you and understand exactly why it had to happen. I wish for myself all the things a relationship with you would have never given me.

I promise that I will never tell myself again it's okay to feel less important or to shift my life to accommodate another human being, because I love him so much. That is not love. Love is something you build with another person and its made of stones with names like respect, commitment, honesty, gratitude, humility and selflessness. It is something that only real people with genuine intentions can build, it was something that I realize now, we could have never built together. I'm going to promise to myself that after writing these things, I won't let you make me sad or angry or wishful. I will put the story of you and I to bed, holding onto it only does a disservice to me at this point and gives you a place within my soul that you never deserved.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Stsm5934

October 6, 2014

Awww...HUGS to you Stranger. I hope you feel better soon!

Thanks, me! Been thinking too much it seems. Hugs back at you!

October 7, 2014

Gosh such a long time since I haven't really been in LS, and lately, I started to think about you less and less. Part of me is eager for some changes, but a much larger part is feeling so sad because of that. Just wonder if you're feeling the same thing over there, half way around the world. It's nearly two months until your birthday, and I think I will send you some words, regardless of my healing. I just missed you terribly sometimes, and when I did, I started to fall upon the "why" again. Silly silly girl! Just wonder, if there will be any hope in the future for us, because deep down my very rational mind, I still think it will, but you'll never know. Anyway, I spoiled myself today and thought of you more than allowed, I'd better cut that now. I miss you my Dove!

October 7, 2014

i have thought about ringing you so many times today, I miss you so much it is over 3 months now and I feel stuck, I want so much to beg you to come home but I know you wont listen to me right now, if I know this then that means that now is not the right time, so I am going to do my best to be brave and endure this misery until such time as I see a chink of light or weakness and I will do it then I just hope and I pray that one day my dear sweet wife that you give us theone chance we need to try to get back what we had only a short time ago

October 7, 2014

I know I'm just hungover and hormonal right now but I am very sad today. I'm at work, with absolutely nothing to do but hop on LS and get this off my chest.

All the progress I've made, how far I've come, how much better my life is now...all those positives escape me today. Today I'm fighting back tears at my desk at work over the thought of missing you. Realizing that I may still be in love with you. I have buried that feeling so far deep down...I didn't think it would come back to haunt me so soon. But is it real? Or am I just having a moment of relapse or something? I can't make much sense of my feelings today.

I just want to know why you ever hurt me so many times, so badly. I want to know why you lied to me, cheated on me, abused me, left me for someone else...why were you so terrible to me when I was so good to you. All I ever did was love you and you just abandoned me. You never even officially broke it off with me. I know I made mistakes. I know I was the one who initiated breaking up/taking a break/moving out. I know that. I know I was prideful and shut you out when I guess you wanted in but you hurt me. You really hurt me. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. I'm mad at myself for still having feelings for you after everything you've done to me.

I dreamt about the engagement ring you bought for me but never gave me, last night. I've never dreamt about it before. I dreamt you gave it to me and I sold it to someone then started freaking out, upset and wanting it back but the woman had disappeared and I was crying because I felt like I had made the worst mistake of my life.

I thought I was going to be your wife and grow old with you.

Anyways...I do miss you. I'm sorry for not saying it back to you the other day but I'm not supposed to. You're someone else's now. God that really hurts to know sometimes. Like today.

October 8, 2014

I know I'm just hungover and hormonal right now but I am very sad today. I'm at work, with absolutely nothing to do but hop on LS and get this off my chest.

All the progress I've made, how far I've come, how much better my life is now...all those positives escape me today. Today I'm fighting back tears at my desk at work over the thought of missing you. Realizing that I may still be in love with you. I have buried that feeling so far deep down...I didn't think it would come back to haunt me so soon. But is it real? Or am I just having a moment of relapse or something? I can't make much sense of my feelings today.

I just want to know why you ever hurt me so many times, so badly. I want to know why you lied to me, cheated on me, abused me, left me for someone else...why were you so terrible to me when I was so good to you. All I ever did was love you and you just abandoned me. You never even officially broke it off with me. I know I made mistakes. I know I was the one who initiated breaking up/taking a break/moving out. I know that. I know I was prideful and shut you out when I guess you wanted in but you hurt me. You really hurt me. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. I'm mad at myself for still having feelings for you after everything you've done to me.

I dreamt about the engagement ring you bought for me but never gave me, last night. I've never dreamt about it before. I dreamt you gave it to me and I sold it to someone then started freaking out, upset and wanting it back but the woman had disappeared and I was crying because I felt like I had made the worst mistake of my life.

I thought I was going to be your wife and grow old with you.

Anyways...I do miss you. I'm sorry for not saying it back to you the other day but I'm not supposed to. You're someone else's now. God that really hurts to know sometimes. Like today.

Looks like it's my turn to send you some hugs, me. ((Hugs))

Sorry you're feeling so down right now I know dreaming about the ex can be just totally brutal and mess up the whole day sometimes.

Hopefully once the hangover passes you'll feel a bit better. I know for me being hungover makes it feel like the pain from the BU will never go away, even though the days before it I felt fine. The hormones add a crappy little counterpoint to that too so you're double whammied.

Hang in there!

October 8, 2014

Why do you look for me when you're the one who LEFT me for someone else.

Skype contacts don't become unblocked by themselves so why torture me like this. Why put a picture of your black hair on whatsapp when it's really dyed light blond. Is it because you think I'm going to go back running like an idiot to you or because you think I'm gullible enough to believe you actually died your hair black.

Obviously you got my attention. Too bad for you is wasn't enough for me to initiate contact.

If you want me, if you miss me, if you feel you made a mistake, why don't you just come out and say it? I still love you and my heart wishes things were different. I wish you were the person you actually said you were...for me

October 8, 2014

Well, it took 2.5 months, but I've finally gotten to the anger stage, so here goes: The way you dumped me was a huge betrayal. Blindsiding me, then changing your mind, then changing your mind AGAIN and rather than having the guts to tell me, acting so distant that I had to drag it out of you? Seriously, what is wrong with you? And then trying to blame it all on me, when you're the one who's in therapy for intimacy issues? Come on. You can't expect a partner to give you what you want if you are unable to communicate what it is that you want! It's fine that you suck at relationships, but there was no need to make me feel it was my fault.

As for the aftermath... I bet you thought I'd beg you to stay with me, or chase after you. Or maybe you think that because I never did those things, I didn't mean it when I said I loved you. No. All it means is that I have the good sense to know that you can't talk someone into loving you. Any other problem in the relationship I could have dealt with, even cheating. But I can't be with someone who doesn't love me. That is a dealbreaker. I deserve to be with someone who thinks I'm amazing. Because, truth be told, I pretty much am.

If you haven't already realized what you've lost, I hope it hits you one day. Maybe it gave you a little ego boost to be the dumper, but when it comes down to it, you're just a chump who let go of a strong, smart woman who would have done anything for you. Good luck finding that again!

October 9, 2014

Today was a great day- had a nerf gun war with my sin- cooked a meal- did the laundry and feel so much better - didn't miss you at all now to make something out if myself and fir my life. Each day I get better and do more. Tomorrow is just another day waiting to happen - now in thus moment is where I am

October 9, 2014

Today I didn't, and don't right now, have any desire to talk to you or hear from you so why I'm writing this I have no idea. Maybe as a sort of journal? Whatever.

I'm on day 3 out of 20 of my no booze plan for emotional balance. I'm feeling pretty good. Had a close call when I drove by the liquor store on my way home today but then I asked myself if it was really worth feeling like a bag of warmed over crap tomorrow when I could feel good instead. Obviously the answer was no. Apparently I've begun thinking with my brain instead of my feels. Another step in the right direction. I'm starting to wonder if all my feelings for you were the result of being drunk and/or the resulting hangovers...hm, something to ponder one of these days. Oh, I'm totally kidding. There were definitely non-alcohol induced feelings and I did love you. Right now, I don't know if I can honestly say that I still do. Maybe I haven't for a long time and just didn't want to see it? Maybe I checked out of the relationship the first time you left me for another woman and never let myself get fully back in when we got back together. Too bad I wasn't smart enough to just not take you back in the first place. Ah well, I think it's safe to say that I've learned that lesson at least.

I thought about you a few times today, but not with any emotion attached to it. It was weird. It was like thinking about...some guy instead of the man I loved for 6 years and wanted to marry. I actually felt bad about not feeling anything about you. Is there something wrong with me? It's only been almost a month since BU. Shouldn't I be crying? Shouldn't I be pining away for you? Shouldn't I feel something for you? I feel like if you called me right now I could carry on a completely normal conversation with you like I would with any of my guy friends and not think twice about it afterwards. You know what I thought about the most today? How incredibly sexy this one guy is who was running equipment for one of the other companies on our site today. It was awesome. It has been YEARS since I've lusted after anyone. Made me think that maybe this being single thing is less about losing you and more about gaining a whole new world of opportunities.

I hope this is the real deal and not just a temporary reprieve before the pain comes back full force. I like feeling like I'm pretty much over you and that life is exciting instead of grey and empty. Maybe this is just a glimpse into what I'll feel like after I'm completely healed? The "don't give up" carrot dangling in front of my nose, if you will. Well, even if I'm back to hurting tomorrow at least I had this day to give me hope that my life is and will be just fine without you in it.

Anyway, that's enough of my rambling. Good luck in life.

October 9, 2014

Damn, I am really struggling today. I have no idea why, what makes today the day to be sad? Why do I allow myself to cry at almost 10 months?

Is it because I'm finally coming to the realization that you don't want your baby girl anymore? That after 5 years of breaking up with me and getting back with me, that it's finally done. I have to say that breaking an on/off relationship for good has been harder then any other break up I have EVER gone through because there is always that side of you that believes they will come back.

I wish I could make the pain go away for good instead of this feeling sad once a month **** that really tears me apart.

The break up really was for the best, we never could figure out that whole communication thing that relationships need. Both of us will reach the other side for the better but still I wonder, if you have felt this pain too? I know I tend to blame it all on you but I'm angry. I'm angry that we could never figure our **** out when we should have.

I want nothing more than to lay down with you and fall asleep but then... the morning will come and the fantasy will die.

October 9, 2014

..........Then I dream about you. Of course.

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