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July 16, 2014

I went into the Barnes & Noble and as I entered through the front doors, I swore I saw who I thought appeared to be you. Your straight brown hair, your figure, your height, possibly even your voice. The thing is that I only saw this person from behind, I never saw her face.

As I started to walk away to the reading area, I noticed her head starting to turn towards my direction. I never caught a glimpse of her face but I swore that was you. It could have been someone really like you though. My heartbeat didn't speed up though and my footing was normal but I'm still curious.

Before today, I forgot in a way that it's been over a year since I've seen you, since I've heard your voice. It still surprises me now and then that the death of a relationship can make two people go from seeing each other practically daily to cold, dead silence.

I kind of wish I could see your face in person. I wish I could see you, just to see what my reaction would be. I know it probably won't happen though, we may never even see or speak to each other for the rest of our lives.

July 16, 2014

dear ex !

u have a serious problem !

one day u want me the other day u don't !

what do u want from me now ? did ur stupid gf the one am sure u replaced me with dumped u so u want me back now or what !!

we had such an amazign connection and u kept on ruining it !

sorry I am not ur back up plan or plan B !

u say i am the best thing that ever happend to u

but u keep on hurting me !

how many times do u wannt break my heart !

isn't 4 times enough for u ?

u want to break whats left of my heart !!!?

I dont want anything from u ..

just leave me alone..

dont ever think of me.. forget that I even exist ..

July 17, 2014

I need to stop talking about my failed relationship so much.

I mean it's only been two weeks. I am still grieving I suppose, but ugh. It's getting sicken to my best friend. Lol. She already told me, "Marlene you got to let it go."

There are days when I feel HAPPY!

There are days when I feel so down.

I don't cry anymore. THANK GOD.

Last relationship... I must have cried every single day for three months STRAIGHT!

Each day the load inside my heart lightens up! it does, but I can't help but miss you.

:/

July 17, 2014

I need to stop talking about my failed relationship so much.
I mean it's only been two weeks. I am still grieving I suppose, but ugh. It's getting sicken to my best friend. Lol. She already told me, "Marlene you got to let it go."

There are days when I feel HAPPY!
There are days when I feel so down.

I don't cry anymore. THANK GOD.

Last relationship... I must have cried every single day for three months STRAIGHT!

Each day the load inside my heart lightens up! it does, but I can't help but miss you.

:/

I found that when I started posting here, I stopped talking about my ex with my friends by a huge amount. I might tell a story about once a week that involves him but I don't talk about the relationship anymore. It's been almost 7 months for me. I go through periods of not crying and then crying every day for a week or so.

July 17, 2014

I found that when I started posting here, I stopped talking about my ex with my friends by a huge amount. I might tell a story about once a week that involves him but I don't talk about the relationship anymore. It's been almost 7 months for me. I go through periods of not crying and then crying every day for a week or so.

I'm going to try a WHOLE day without going on this site either.

I feel like talking about it, and even writing here.... gives my failed relationship life..., and I simply want it dead, dead, dead!

July 17, 2014

Sometimes avoiding our issues makes them worse.

We all grieve in different ways but I find that if I let myself feel whatever I'm going to feel, it's better then forcing myself to be in denial. Not that I'm saying it's healthy to sit there and cry every single moment but if it's gonna happen, it'll happen.

July 17, 2014

I don't miss you I miss who I thought you were but that person isn't real and we both know it. I miss banging you a lot but that's about it. Perhaps I should just find someone else to mess around with on a regular basis, I think that will help me a lot. Hope you get your **** strait one of these days although I doubt that will happen. Later

July 17, 2014

I am in love I am in love

And I am free,there is no other.

So strange to be in love with someone else

I wish I could have him totally

I barely remember you.

July 17, 2014

Its been beautiful here at K.B.

You should be here.

July 17, 2014

hello ,,

I really missed u .. having u around.. talking to u all day everyday ..

I think of u everyday .. and about our days together..

sometimes I wish that I have never mit u .. sometimes I say everyone

come to our life for a reason.. and maybe I came to ur like also for a reason ..

but I know that I cant come back .. not when u have a fiance..

I dont know if u made it official but I Really dont want to know

I hope I never hear it because it will break me..

sorry that I cant be happy for u ..

I know I could made u happy

I Really wanted to be a girl of ur dreams.. the one that u will put a ring in her

finger .. the one that will carry ur child.. but this willl never happen it it

hurts ..

please take care of ur self .. I hope she doesnt break ur heart .

even though sometimes I wish she is a bad person so u leave he

but thats so mean of me .. I hope she is trully a nice girl and that she

deserve u ! since u are .. a one of a kind...

July 17, 2014

Dear Piece of crap ex -

Wow, it's amazing how AFTER the breakup, you realize what an idiot you've been, to put up with, to be so blind to this thing you really believed was real, healthy love. To find out it was just an addiction - not on my part, but on yours!

Yes, you told me the truth when we met 10 months ago, that you were a recovering addict. To everything, including sex. BIG RED FLAG. And I had a second date with you, why? Because you were charming, quick with your tongue and a way with words, lured me in with your lifestyle, money, ability to give me so much, and yes, pretty decent sex. Not the best I've had, but pretty good. You gave me everything except that one thing I wanted, and you knew I wanted. You said you wanted it to, and could give it to me...you said you were in a healthy place, ready to date, ready to be in an exclusive relationship. Oh really?

This coming from a man who cheated on his ex wife many, many times, but uses the excuse, "I'm an addict, I have intimacy issues..." And then mad at ex for divorcing him! Angry with her to this day, because she didn't want to be his "friend" anymore, she abandoned him when she found out he was cheating. Ah, hello. Of course she did! Good for her, you moron! What idiot woman would put up with that ****? That trust is broken for good, for most people. Any one with a backbone, self respect, self love, healthy boundaries, would have kicked you to the curb. And she did. Good for her. Yes, sucks for the kids, but sure she didn't want to raise her kids, wondering if that would ever happen again. Not worth the risk. Sorry. Us moms love our kids more than ANY man. Accept it!

So this whole time we are together, you are telling me you love me, you're in love with me, I meet your kids...then oops, sorry - I changed my mind, I don't see a future with you. And I can't open up to you, get closer with you emotionally because you don't understand why I'm still hung up on my ex.

And YOU get upset with me, when you tell me, "I don't like that she's dating, I can't be in the same room with her, because I'm so angry. You won't be able to come to any of the kids' activities, if she is there. I still dream about her..." SUCKED.

Oh yeah - that's a bucket of fun for me. I was SO understanding all this time! Supporting your program, you in therapy, you taking time for you, not pressuring you too much, being the BEST, compassionate friend a man could hope for. You have A LOT of issues! And I understood, because I'm from major dysfunction, too! But I'm a healthy person NOW. I don't live in the past, blame others for my actions. I'm a frickin' adult!

You break up with me, then want to be "friends"??? Oh, why? To stroke your ego? Or to be "nice"? Or to curb the pain, stuff more pain down, so you don't have to deal with this excruciating pain of such a loss. Well, good for you! Glad it's working for you. It's not working for me. Don't really want to hear my ex boyfriend, who just broke up with me THREE WEEKS ago, telling me he has a date. Oh that's real healthy. Jump right back into dating after a 10 month relationship. And a 20 year relationship marriage, that hasn't even been over for two years yet!

Whatever - I know my part. I know my mistakes. Live and learn. But you are an idiot, if you think you can call me anymore, be "friends". I have plenty of friends. Too bad you don't. I wonder why. Might want to look in the mirror, or ask the ex wife about that one. Oh, you guys don't talk, I forgot. Share kids, but don't talk about your issues. That's healthy, too. Good luck to you. No wonder you never moved on from her. Too busy writing your bull**** in your journal or making a therapist suffer for two years with your repeated bull****, that goes no where. Taking action and changing might be a clue. Ever try that??? Nope - go hop right into another relationship, rebound. Lucky girl! Hopefully you'll tell HER the truth and not lie to her, like you did me. Tell her you're still hung up on your ex, tell her you're an addict and slept with prostitutes. Hopefully she'll be smarter than me, and run the other direction.

GROSS. I have to forgive myself...and I will. You taught me SO much! About losers who blame all their behaviors on other people, lie, only tell things when asked, get dug out, and men who can't get intimate, make their girlfriend a priority, because we ask too many questions, we want a man's words to match their behaviors, choices. Don't tell someone you love them, but then can't do the work! Love is a choice. So pathetic and immature. GROW UP. And this "poor me", "I'm sensitive" crap has to go... We all have feelings! Some of us just take responsibility for them, work on ourselves, are willing to change, do the hard work. We don't sit here and babble on about it, run our mouths, do yoga, journal, eat a special diet, and think that's going to change everything. haha, people are so silly and so good at BSing themselves and others, to make themselves and others think they are living such a healthy life. And inside it's all an act...

Some of us are just mature and wise enough to finally wake up and smell the coffee and see you as you REALLY are. Who you really are. People really don't change. No they don't. They can put on huge act and do so many things...but most people don't change their core values and boundaries. And you, have NONE. Lies and acting. I'll give you that! Now I know why your ex laughs at you. She gets it. Now I do, too.

Good luck out there dating. Good luck fooling another. Sure, she'll be attracted to you physically, because you are handsome and charming. She'll be attracted to your life, money, all you have to offer. Yes, you have all those superficial things to offer. And that will attract certain kind of people. YOUR kind of people. And that is NOT ME. So so happy it is OVER. And I can move on. Because I know who I am. And that's not some fake, sad, insecure person who acts like a child. Birds of a feather flock together. You and your drama, your weird family, can have each other. No thanks. Nothing I would ever want to be a part of. Even if my family disconnected a bit, at least we have values, morals, boundaries. And respect! I'll take that any day!

Good bye, good luck. Some day you'll realize how good you had it with me, what a gift I was to you. Or not. And that's ok. As long as I know... : )

Edited July 17, 2014 by Missy0724

July 17, 2014

Everyone in my life was right about you and they still are. Even people that have no idea who you are know you are bad news and so do I. Why do I miss you, I guess the fact is I don't miss you I think I just miss having someone to come home to and two amazing kids and hanging out every night. I know you don't miss that because you have a thousand guys that want you so why would you miss me right. I just feel pathetic.

July 18, 2014

I prefer it here than inside of me...

I actually feel like this is a dumping space for my shyte

I get what you're saying though

I'm going to try a WHOLE day without going on this site either.
I feel like talking about it, and even writing here.... gives my failed relationship life..., and I simply want it dead, dead, dead!

July 18, 2014

It's been striking me that I am suddenly thinking about all the bad things about you.

Somehow they were not in my mind right after we broke up.

Thank goodness for NC.

You are not that much of a nice person. Or a good partner who works at it. Boo.

July 18, 2014

Well I had a big crisis this morning so whSt do I always do

When I have a crisis I want to contact you the most

But I have to try and stop myself so I'm here

I'm happy with the new guy but when crises happen I need you

But you're not here,I wish you could make everything better.

He wants too much,I can't give him everything he wants.

July 18, 2014

4 times. And I responded yesterday. None of the contacts said you wanted me back. I think you are testing the friendship waters. Or you are just seeing if I hate you. You never want anyone to hate you. Well, I don't. I love you...still.

I don't have the advantage of you treating me like crap, and knowing I am better off. I am not, and you always treated me with love and respect. This was my fault. I know that. But, I did try to fix it, but I guess you had already checked out on me. I don't blame you. I just wish you were brave enough to tell me so we could have at least tried.

Now, I am left without you. I am getting by. I am living life. I am missing you. I guess I always will. These contacts you have done recently kinda just proves to me that you are so unemotional about me, that it doesn't even bother you to contact me. You feel like it and you do it. We are in such different places.

Well, I will keep moving forward. And I will keep loving and missing you I guess.

July 18, 2014

This might not be the right time.

I might not be the right one.

But there something about us I have say but there something between us anyway.

July 18, 2014

Pride can stand

A thousand trials

The strong will never fall

But watching stars without you

My soul cried

Heaving hard is full of pain

Oh, oh, the aching

'Cos I'm kissing you, oh

I'm kissing you

July 18, 2014

It's now over 3 years since you left me, and left me to pick up the pieces of the life I sacrificed to be with you. Thank God my son eventually forgave me for leaving his dad and came back to me, he can now see exactly why me and his dad ended and that it wasn't as simplistic as me falling for you.

We had a 'closure' meeting in November - contact, as always, initiated by me. It was a friendly meeting but you admitted we shouldn't have slept together in May when, even though you had been 'thrilled' to see me, you felt doing so had given me 'false hope' (you never did lose your arrogance, did you, T). We parted with a hug and you saying that 'of course this won't be the last time we see each other, don't say that' when I left with 'have a nice life'. But it was, wasn't it, as you'll never contact me again and I have to keep the pride and dignity I've managed to scrape back together and never contact you.

I've buried my feelings, convinced myself I hate you and thrown myself into my new job, social life and, more importantly, continuing to raise my son to be a good, kind, honest, caring and compassionate person - all qualities I firmly believed you had when I walked out of my 23 year marriage for you.

I've even taken up Buddhist meditation classes, they have been wonderful and I really thought the ties had finally been severed.

But I've missed you today as much as I did in the days after you left me. I don't think I love you anymore -in fact I'm sure I don't - but I also know it would take very little for that love to return. You were my 'one' T, no one has been able to replace you. Do you, have you, felt like you did about me for someone else? Is that possible?

The anger and insecurity issues I had - the ones you said 'battered the love' you had for me away - have gone. Lessons learned, growing up done and I'm now a calm and accepting person. I know you saw that when we met and yet you still don't want me. Is it because you think I'll fall apart again if we tried and failed? I wouldn't, and the sadness for me is thinking that's what stops you from giving us another chance and that we both want each other but are wasting time through your fear (and I know that's what you're like). Our attraction was still there last year, I believe it's still there now.

I miss you desperately and I long to see you. I wish for nothing other than to hear from you. Please make that wish come true x

Edited July 18, 2014 by Jingle14

July 18, 2014

JIngle,

I can relate to all you are feeling. It is so hard not knowing why they don't contact you.

I feel like my ex would be scared to come back (even if she wanted) because she hurt me so much when she left that she wouldn't ever want to do that again. I have also calmed down and grown. And I also know she sees it as we work together. But, I don't think it is ever a chance she would take again... it hurts..

But then... would I take the chance of her walking out again. I think I would because she walked out because of my actions, and I now can control that aspect of my life....

Maybe we will never know...

If it was meant to be....it will....

But like you, I miss the heck out of her.

July 18, 2014

I miss the smell of the bathroom in the mornings after you were done in the shower....

Sharing the same workout room at work with you leaves me with your same scent....

Vanilla....

I miss that....

Funny thing is I never even told you that I like it. I should have told you so much more of my feelings. I was just so shut down... I understand why you had to leave... but I DID love you for the good and the bad. You said you felt I didn't love you enough... that when bad things happened I would emotionally bail....

Probably true, but it wasn't the whole time we were together... after my dad got sick, I just couldn't deal. Not your fault, I know.

Anyways, I hope she loves you enough....

July 18, 2014

Are you struggling today like I am? I could cry. I could scream. I could fall in a heap and never get up.

You loved me. Why leave? Why didn't you want you want to work it out?

I still love you so much it hurts. It rips my heart to pieces!

I am watching my phone and hoping you will text...it's so tough to let go. So tough

July 18, 2014

I never thought we'd end up here - again. You left me last year after 4 months together, only to come back to me 3 months later. We struggled for a year, you mostly, trying to get over what happened during our break. But we had such good times as well. so how come now you've gone and left me again?? Why can't you see all the hard work I put in to put you at ease, make you understand how much I loved you and how much you meant to me?

How can it be so easy for you to close the book on us and just move on? Drinking, partying, other women - I've heard it all.... Don't you think you're old enough to want to fight for a relationship instead of running away everything anything 'drama' comes up, as you call it? Do you really think the grass is greener on the other side? Thanks for being able to forget about me, like I'm nothing. Like our time together meant nothing. Like the fact that your kids love me to death did not play a single part in your decision. It's so horrible seeing you at work, with that big-ass smile on your face whenever we bump into each other. So nice to hear about all the fun you're having and the plans you are making for the weekend and the future...

You broke my heart! Twice.... I don't think you'll ever comprehend what that does to a girl... 2 days before you ended it you were telling me how much you loved me, how happy you were not to have to be back on the dating scene again and how content you were just sharing a bottle of wine on the couch in stead of going out all the time...

I don't understand... Our problems were fixable... why did you not want to fix them...

And the worst is - I still love you... Crap, I still love you...

July 18, 2014

I don't care!

When I saw your girl today... I felt... NOTHING!

Because she did not win anything special...

You're a pot head loser.... Simple as that.

She's a whore.

You two I hope will be happy together.

Me, i'll keep doing my thing. Being happy & calm. :]

July 19, 2014

I don't know if you miss me but I miss you like crazy. I hope you are happy with the new guy. Just know I love you

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