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June 18, 2014

I'm doing pretty well, generally speaking. However, I'm a bit frustrated because some feelings are being dredged back up by the fact that in less than two weeks I will be returning to the U.S. for good. It is impossible for me not to think about the future that would have been after I got back if you had cared enough about me not to give up on us. When I told her about these feelings starting to come back, my therapist told me to brace myself for a few days of some pretty intense sadness after I get back and especially after I move into my new you-less apartment.

Also, I'm frustrated that you sent me an e-mail the other day about making sure I get the last of my stuff from your apartment after I get back. You know me (or you should? Maybe you already don't anymore) and know that I don't forget about things like that, and you had to know I had a plan in place to get it. I guess I am less frustrated with you than I am with myself because the e-mail kind of ruined my day. I've gotten used to you not being in my life, but you being in it, even in a small way like a short e-mail -- that I'm not yet ready for. It is frustrating that it has been three months since you left me and that you still have that effect on me.

Oh well, I'm looking forward to coming back, even without you there to welcome me home and begin our new life together. Being here has sort of felt like limbo in some ways, because when I left, we were together, and you were a part of my life for my first 8 months here when we talked every day, and visited one another and such, so strangely I associate this foreign land with you in some ways (or at least my apartment here). So a new apartment you have never been to/even spoken on the phone with me while I was in it will be a nice fresh start. It will be a symbol in some ways of you not being a part of my life, and I need to embrace it.

June 18, 2014

Today you texted me you were sorry.

Damage is done.

You also said, you weren't with her, and that you don't know what that meant.

(Your son's online comments about you being with her)

Guess he's lying.....NOT!!! Why would a kid just make that up out of no where and post it?

LIAR!!!!

And once again, you think you're the good guy. You'll come on here sobbing how I broke up with you. You'll say, I apologized to her, and she ignored it.

None of this would've happened if you didn't break up with me in the first place, curse and wish me to death, and then I find out you're with her from the internet.

You have no idea the pain you inflicted on me. I'm hurting soooooooo bad.

My heart actually physically hurts. It hurts constantly when I breathe, that and my veins.....my veins hurt........so freaking messed up sad I am.

I HATE YOU FOR THIS

HATE HATE HATE HATE

BUT what were you to do?.....I HATE YOU!!

Edited June 18, 2014 by Died2000Deaths

June 18, 2014

Its like a year and 3 months later? Maybe more I don't know.

My heart still hurts and my thoughts on finding someone I'll love this much again seems unreachable, I don't even mastebate. I have lost interest in love maybe =[ I still feel abandoned.

I hate you for leaving.

June 18, 2014

T, I have been thinking about you a lot and I now realize that you didn't mean to hurt me because I was such a nice guy. You just wanted what you wanted but those things were really mean and hurtful. I don't know why you had to run around town telling everyone I was worthless and a loser while I cared for and loved your children everyday while you just ruthlessly cheated and lied to me. It doesn't make sense to me. I hope doing all of that was worth hurting not only me but your children but you don't care because you are only capable of thinking about yourself and your guilty little pleasures and that will never change. I now realize that I could never love someone like you or even be friends with someone so dishonest and hurtful.

It seems odd to me that I still miss you after all the things you did and seeing you with your new boyfriend the other day really hurt because he is living in my dream, what I worked so hard for but at the end of the day you will do the same thing to him and the next guy and so on. I hope that when you grow up you realize you have ruined a lot of peoples lives for periods of time but you have only truly ruined yours.

I really do wish you well in your life because I fell in love with someone truly special and the good side of you is so pure and loving and kind that I still think about you but your person as a whole is none of those things.

June 19, 2014

So there you go, running across my mind, even after a year and change. So now what. I guess after so many years of devotion and love you have showed me how much I really mean to you now.

Since you left to college for your masters program you changed. It's hard to forget the seasons of our youth. Rolling in the snow, you losing your phone, and finding it again.. The view of the city in the summer. The walks in the fall. For the seven years we were together meant a great deal.. I knew only to love you, and you know how much I care.

It was not enough. It was never enough. I've been without a soul, walking around hopeless for quite a while. You, well you've made new friends, jumped into the arms of a new man.. But I honestly don't wish you harm or unhappiness, it seems you are doing very well. It is impossible for me to know how you really are doing. All I can remember is you kissing me in September, to find you leaving me for him. Unfortunately loving you is hurting me. I must let you go.

This feeling of unfairness weighs heavy on my mind. I know there was nothing I could do. Months ago I wrote you an email, just to have you reply there's not a day that passes that you don't think about what a great friend you have lost. We were always lovers, now you want to be friends. How is it you can move on so fast while I may take a lifetime to get over you? You didn't even love as deep as I.. You didn't even sacrifice or suffer as I did these years. I'm not perfect, but the things you did were inexcusable, and sadly unforgivable. I supported you all these years, even when I knew I shoudnt have.

As tough as it was I can say I never did wrong by your side, and I genuinely tried my hardest to make things work. You took the easy way out to party and live your college life. I hope you found what you were looking for. Since you don't care for me anymore I won't hold on to your memories. It is impossible to forget you but I know you are no longer good for me. I hope life will change because I'm miserable where I'm at. If you saw me today you might be happy to know you may have made the right decision to leave me. If you saw me today you may feel remorse if you were the old girl I once knew. Either way what we had is long gone. The hardest thing to accept.

Miserable. Endless days pf sorrow in my eyes. I desperately seek answers to questions I won't have. But what does it matter, this unrequited love broke me to my core. May a change come one day.

June 19, 2014

Hey. I just saw you in the hallway. We actually made eye contact, and both looked away quickly. i went into that bathroom and cried. Why? WHy after all this time can you still affect me? Why after all this time and you are with someone else do I allow you to get to me?

I went for a run... can't think about much but running while I run, so I was good. I guess the workout released a lot of tension, because now I can't stop crying again.

You had on a yellow shirt. That was my favorite color for you to wear. You looked beautiful.

What hurtst the most is the fact that you were my beginning and end for seven years, now we can't even look at each other.

I feel so guilty because I have SO much to be grateful for, but I just miss you so much, it is killing me.

I am guessing I will never get over you.

June 19, 2014

Get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

June 20, 2014

I wrote you again today. Because I think I convinced myself about the real reason we were not good in our last month together and finally broke up.

We've sent a few emails back and forth in the last week since we broke up almost 3 weeks ago. Maybe it was a mistake. But I needed to tell you those things to be able to process.

Until I finally got the aha moment yesterday. And I had to tell you. Maybe this time you won't respond. Maybe I prefer you don't respond. Maybe you won't get the things I said and think it's something else.

Still, I had to let you know my conclusions and perhaps make you see and realize how it's not because we didn't like each other enough. It's just misunderstandings.

This ultra nice guy wants to date me. He's all you were not. Yet I miss you.

I wish you'd call me back to your life. This was today's song by Fleet Foxes:

Lie to me if you will at the top of Barringer Hill

Tell me anything you want, any old lie will do

Call me back to you

Back to you

June 20, 2014

It's over a month now. I feel I'm finally coming out of the fog into some clear daylight. I am seeing things anew. But not quite enough to not love you any more, no matter how much I try.

June 20, 2014

I suppose there will always be a part of me that loves you.

But, at least for now - I think I'm gonna be just fine without you.

It's been ... a week? or so of NC ... I even stopped counting days ... it just happened.

Do I still think about you? All the time.

But I don't want to know you anymore. I'm just waiting for the day you become someone I used to know. Or used to think I knew.

But I have no interest in knowing you anymore.

June 20, 2014

ON THE ONE HAND:

I have degraded myself by going along with your sextcapades.

At first, my ego needed it and it was hot and I did miss doing that with you like we did when we were together.

Now, I just feel like garbage.

You only use me. The worst part is I allowed it.

You don't love me or miss me.

I want you to leave me alone.

I don't want to know you anymore.

You're the worst thing that's happened to me.

I have not a clue why I've still responded to you after all you've put me through.

I guess I had to finally get to this point because it's the only way to truly move on.

I'm not angry but you're making me hate every little single thing about you.

You're not good for me.

In fact, I don't believe you're good for anybody.

ON THE OTHER:

Despite everything, I still love you. Just not as much...or I don't know, maybe I do.

I shove so much down and push what I feel off to the side so it's very hard for me to tell what I feel anymore because I just refuse to think about it.

I've been drinking a lot more and dating and sleeping with this guy...

He's nice but there's no spark.

He's a decent lover but he's not someone I'm interested in seeing long term.

He's not you.

My life's been so up and down up until this point and I have felt so alone for so long.

You were the only one who made me feel safe. You were my shelter.

It is the craziest thing because you were also the "monster under the bed" so to speak.

I've talked to 3 guys (only slept with one) since our BU (in a year's time) but nothing compares to what we had.

We had horric fights and it was doomed from the start, I guess but the passion we had for one another...I can't forget...I can't move on.

No matter how many trips I go on, how many new friends I make, how much I focus on everything else, how much I drink, or how many times I sleep with someone else...

I just can't get over you. Even though I haven't been sad about you for the past few months now & made so much progress; I have done so well yet I'm still hung up on you in so many ways. I don't understand how that is possible.

June 20, 2014

After you contacted me the other night and we talked I felt a lot better about things. Thank you so much for saying sorry for everything you did to me. I wish you knew how painful it was going through all of that and how much I loved you and how you just really ripped my entire person to pieces and I don't know why you did it. I am sure it was extremely hard on you as well, I cannot imagine how you felt. Today I was on a latter at work and I was thinking about how sad you would be that your lizard died and I actually shed a tear and almost started full on crying because I felt so bad for you. I know how low you are right now and that you are not happy and it just breaks my heart to see you go down the road you are going down. I wish so badly that I could help you but I can't. I still miss you every day and think about you. I just wish you would get in therapy and on meds so I could have my best friend and soul mate back. I would actually take you back but you need to get help. So sad today. I was really looking forward to this summer with the kids gone so we could hang out like we used to, I just want for none of this to have ever happened. I have been sitting here crying for 30 minutes and I just wish you could understand.

Edited June 20, 2014 by Justaguy30

June 21, 2014

7 months on, there isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think about you. There was nothing I wanted more than to have you by my side as I go through the business of sorting out my life. I was there for you, whenever you needed me. You didn't value me enough to be there for me. And that is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with; the fact that you left me for better prospects, after everything I did for you. Did you even care about me at all? No one, and I mean no one has hurt me more deeply than you.

June 21, 2014

7 months on, there isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think about you. There was nothing I wanted more than to have you by my side as I go through the business of sorting out my life. I was there for you, whenever you needed me. You didn't value me enough to be there for me. And that is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with; the fact that you left me for better prospects, after everything I did for you. Did you even care about me at all? No one, and I mean no one has hurt me more deeply than you.

I feel the same way, its hard. Hugs

June 21, 2014

You replied to my email today. We've been apart for 20 days now. Only the first 10 were no contact.

Thank you for being so sweet for the first time. I felt your "love" for me between the lines. I swear I did. It's still there.

I'm thankful you agreed with my realizations about "us" and why we got to a weird place. I wonder if it will make you rethink and see that knowing what happened we can be good together again, learning from our misunderstandings.

The last phrase was so weird. You're going scuba diving. And that you're sorry for having excluded me.

???

Excluded me from what? I was never invited. Are you sorry you didn't/can't invite me because I'm no longer in your life?

Maybe I'm reading into it. But I wish so hard we could spend time together. Doesn't have to be your usual fancy stuff, we can go to McDonalds and I'd be happy lol

Lord I miss you so. And then there's this guy treating me so well.

Do you really don't care if I go to someone else's arms?

June 21, 2014

I dreamt of you every night for the past week...it's been three months, and that has been long enough for me. I made a mistake, and it was clear to both of us when we saw last saw each other that our love and connection still thrives. Why do you not want to go down the path of being together again? Why are we not talking?

I love you.

June 22, 2014

When I'm drunk I really miss you. When I'm not, not so much. I know you are probably now sleeping with your boyfriend, but, still, I would like to hear from you, how are you doing... You know, all that stuff

June 22, 2014

I had a dream about you, which made me want to contact you. I know I won't though.

When I think of everything I did for us, I feel I have no energy left for someone else.

The way I opened myself to you, the things I told you, no one knows them.

But you didn't care, you just chose to dump me out of the blue, though you probably had that in mind for a while.

You never apologized, never gave me a reason. I don't understand how someone can be so selfish.

The only reason I'm angry today is that I don't feel any connection with the persons I met since the break up.

I don't feel it because I don't even want to bother, do efforts again for someone. I can't wait to meet someone who will make me feel again.

June 22, 2014

For some reason, I just want to contact you. Just to say hi or something. It's weird having no-contact this long. I guess I'm in the mood where I miss talking to a significant other.

I know I can't though. Nothing good came out of the last time I broke NC so I have no reason to now. I want to but I really can't.

Your birthday is in a week so happy birthday in advance. I also wish I could tell you happy birthday on that day but I know I can't do that either.

June 23, 2014

Oh babe, how I wish we could talk again. It feels so weird driving past your house and not stopping. Do you ever think of me when you're home by yourself?

Probably not.....

June 23, 2014

What I'd say to you:

I pity you.

I feel bad for you and how your life has gone.

You're 35 and you let your mother and grandmother continue to nurture you.

Your goal in life is to write a video game...

I could almost cry because I feel so bad for you.

I know I sound egotistical but I was your "last chance".. I was your only chance.

Maybe that's why it's so easy to hate me.. and also why it's so easy to come back to me.

In all of the time I've known you, I have never come to this conclusion until now.

5 1/2 years since our first date and taking a 30 year old's virginity and it's come to this... pity. The last thing I'd ever equate you with before now. I feel like you wasted my 20's.

And yet, I'd still let you lay on me and hold your head against my chest and forget the world...

Edited June 23, 2014 by leavesonautumn
your/you're

June 23, 2014

I'm glad you are not in today. You can get f****d.

June 23, 2014

Hi, this weekend I was thinking a lot about contacting you, just to know how are you, maybe just to hear you. I was thinking to drive by your house, idk, just to see if you were there. I didn't do it. The truth is I miss you a lot. I miss your laugh, your eyes. I have to stay NC because I know that if I contact you, it will be a nightmare for me. I will start again making stories about how wonderful is your life and about why you left me. I have to do this for me. It hurts that you didn't even care about how am I. I always was supporting you, and helping you, and loving you. I've been thinking that you never loved me. I just filled a void in your life at the time, and then you threw me at the garbage. I feel like a fool because I always thought we had a future together. We always got along fine. I just don't know what happened to you at the end. They say maybe you went out of dueling your parents loss. Maybe. I just hope these days will soon pass, and that you will be only good memories and not something that hurts so much. And just hope that when I find out you progress through your life getting married or having a baby, I can take it in the best way.

June 23, 2014

After we last spoke I felt like a cloud had lifted off of my shoulders, as if a huge weight had been taken from my body. The next day was just awesome, I really felt like myself again. The day that followed that was horrible because I had so many questions that were left un answered. I just wish we could talk again so I could get all of these things off of my mind. I doubt you will contact me again for a few months or who knows. Its so hard because I miss you everyday so much but you are horrible and you do not care about me at all not even a little bit. You only care when you are worried about me but you could never worry enough to stop hurting me.

June 23, 2014

I gave you every ounce of love, loyalty, help, and support I could.

But I figured out that part of what has kept me unable to let go is a function of my being an empath.

I had to it. I had to sever my empathic connection to you. It hurt me to do so, but so much is changing. I am glad I did; though from things that have been happening today I suspect you are anything but happy about it.

But I cannot and will not establish it again without proof that you are in my life and mean to stay. And we both know that is not going to happen.

But there is a life here. With real possibilities. And my future.

You made your choice and I must live it.

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