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polywog

By polywog
in Coping

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Hello201 Member

Hello201

Posted
Posted

day three

 

i spent most of last night talking to friends via apps and txt , it helped until i stopped

 

the only reason i want to talk to her is to find out the real reason why

 

i thought i was her best friend lover partner

 

well shes lost it all now , i hope shes happy cos im not

P1nginLOVE Established Member

P1nginLOVE

Posted
Posted

Still love you but I know I will never be enough....

Been 4 days of controlling my emotions....gathering my sanity...been distracted from work....

I am not crushed and devastated as I thought I'd be...but yes...i do miss you...I miss your sense of humor....you crazy ideas....the wild things in you.

But i know you're no good for my life....why can't we be friends?

I'm sure I'd be one of your wife's best friends had we not crossed the lines.

 

Why are you so adventurous? Why you're hurting her? Why it seems that you're using me to hurt her repeatedly?

 

I hope the two of you can find ways to settle your issues...and stop using others as an escape goat.

 

I'm happy you're not my mess to fix....but I sometimes do wish I could be that angel in your life.

 

Miss you....hhh

jt27 Established Member

jt27

Posted
Posted

I am just overcome today with sadness. I miss you more now than ever. I am doing all the right things to move on, yet I cannot. I still want you. You made me so much happier. I feel lost. I am broken. I am so scared of my future without you. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't go anywhere without thinking of you. I can't let go of hope. I still believe though I know I shouldn't. I would have given my life for you. I still would. I love you so much. This rollercoaster doesn't seem to have an end.

  • Like 2
Petunia20 Established Member

Petunia20

Posted
Posted

The truth of the matter is that you don't care for me and don't care what's going on in my life. You walked away and made your decision. You chose to leave for whatever reason whether it really was because of her or because you just knew you wanted nothing more with me. I can't sit here and think that you might miss me and that someday you will come back. Even if you did come back, what could you possibly say that will even make enough sense for me ? You don't care for me and are living your life happily. If I was even on your mind a little bit you would have tried to reach out to me a long time ago. You wouldn't have been able to live without me. But it's been 10 months and we have not spoken thus u don't give a efff about me. I'm an idiot for still dwelling on you. I can't over analyze your situation anymore. The reality is that you're gone and not coming back and don't want me not do you care. You really wanted me out of your life so for that I should just pick up my dignity and say screw you too! Ugh... It is what it is

  • Like 1
mangetout Established Member

mangetout

Posted
Posted

I wish I could fall out of love

  • Like 4
Silver Taurus Member

Silver Taurus

Posted
Posted

Dear ____:

 

 

Do you miss me? I'd like to think I was occupying as much of your time as you have occupied of mine this past year. That's unlikely I'm sure as you are too self-absorbed to consider anyone else. It's hard to believe it was just a year ago today that you screamed at me like a madman for something that YOU had done. You need to blame someone for your shortcomings. You needed to pick that fight with me so that I would leave in the middle of the night...and then you could tell everyone who would listen that you broke up with me.

 

 

I must be on your mind again. Why else would you pick yesterday to forward me another stupid email. I had to chuckle when I saw that it came from "your iPad"...you know, the one I bought you for Christmas. When you told me that you loved me. Probably the only time you ever said "I love you" to me without being drunk. Hope you think about me every time you use that iPad. And I hope it makes you choke.

 

 

I hope you're telling HER that you're still contacting me. You know, your PERFECT ex that you always compared me to; the one you always protected. The one you said was frigid in bed. The one you said you suspected was taking your money and sending it to her kids. The one you said was too uptight to let you do what you wanted in your own house. I wonder if you told her all the bad things you said about her? I wonder what bad things you're saying about ME now...

 

 

And if you're waiting for me to respond, you'll be waiting until Hell freezes over. Unless you're contacting me to tell me you were a fool and you'll do anything to get me back, I don't have time for you. Enough with the breadcrumbs. I wasted enough of my time, my energy, my money and my life on you. Go get your ego stroked someplace else. I don't give a flying fig anymore.

 

 

I foolishly thought if I cared about you enough, it would make you care about me. But you didn't. As painful as that is to realize, it's much more painful to keep hoping that you'll care about me someday. You won't. It isn't within your ability. I realize that now. It's no different than me being upset because someone can't knit. If they can't, they can't. The difference being, if someone truly WANTS to knit, they can learn how to knit. When someone doesn't know how to care, they CAN learn, but they have to WANT to. You clearly don't.

 

 

Just add me to that long line of ex's of yours...you know, the ones who were screwed, screwed up and screwed over by you. There are plenty of us. Maybe we should start a club. I'll hold a place open for your current interest....she'll figure it out why you wanted her back in a few years if she hasn't already.

 

 

Anyway....happy anniversary. It's been exactly one year ago since our breakup and tomorrow will be one year since the last time I saw your face. I know you expected me to reach out to you. I won't. Just like I didn't reach out to you on Christmas or your birthday (actually, I had a blast on your birthday with someone new. It didn't work out but he got me through a really bad night and that's when I knew I would be okay).

 

 

Sincerely,

Silver Taurus

  • Like 1
jonsnuh Established Member

jonsnuh

Posted
Posted

So there's another blow to my sanity my mind is doing to itself.

 

I dreamt that I had found your Instagram account, of past photos of another life that you kept from me. I looked for reasons NOT to believe it was yours. It turns out it was, but I felt nothing. A bit of pain of being deceived, even less respect for you as a person, and a small prayer of you to never have a fulfilling relationship.

 

I'm tired. I'm tired of my mind thinking of you.

  • Like 1
AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted

Apparently at some point I found the piece of paper I wrote your address on that night on the phone.

 

Apparently I put on the shelf close to the end table with the open lamp.

 

Apparently my cat jumped up on the shelf at some point I wasn't looking. At some point he must have bumped the paper into the framework of the lamp and I didn't even see it until I was setting the lamp up again at my new apartment.

 

Just what I wanted to see. Your damn address from the place you don't even live at anymore.

 

You really didn't treat me well at all did you? It really doesn't matter at all that I would have given anything.

 

Everybody says that you aren't good enough for me. I don't believe that. But I certainly think since its clear you no longer care about me, it is time I return the favor.

 

I wish we could be friends. Just friends. But you won't even do that.

 

WHY?

me85 Established Member

me85

Posted
Posted

Golly, there's a lot I could say but after nearly a year of this wishy washy BS all I am going to say is "good riddance."

 

You've caused me more damage in 3 years than that of a lifetime.

 

I went through something terrible recently and you were not there for me, by choice.

 

You have a gf who you are not good to just like you were not good to me. She has no idea you've been communicating with me.

 

I was foolish the other day. I had a weak moment. I've been doing so well in not being weak for nearly 6 months now.

 

It won't happen again. You have done this to me for the last time. You told me you missed me and loved me and asked if I'd ever take you back then 3 days later told me the opposite.

 

That's it. You are dead to me. I do not care that you are with someone else anymore. You will fail miserably in life because you are such a self absorbed little mama's boy who mistreats people. Most of all me.

 

You are a bad person.

  • Like 1
me85 Established Member

me85

Posted
Posted

P.S. You're a total and complete sociopath. With serious emotional and anger issues. You need professional help.

 

I hope your mother will recognize this before it's too late. I really think you have it in you to kill someone because you almost killed me.

me85 Established Member

me85

Posted
Posted

You'll never know how very hard it is to keep hatred for you out of my heart for all the things you've done to me.

 

You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

 

I wish I never met you. It has not been worth it at all. God knows where or who I might be with today if I wouldn't have wasted so much of my time and energy on a POS like you.

 

To tell me you miss me and us and that you love me so much then swiftly turn around and say that you don't really miss me or us just ASPECTS of us.

 

I truly despise ever being with you in the first place. I was a FOOL.

 

You never respected me for a million reasons.

 

Well, I'm glad you found someone you respect. Oh wait, haha no you don't! Because you have been communicating with me the entire time you have been with this girl. Slept with me twice. Continuously texting that you love me and all that mess. Ya, she's one lucky gal alright.

 

I am a fool for you NO MORE.

HumiliatedGrapes Member

HumiliatedGrapes

Posted
Posted

I really should not let you bother me anymore, I'm trying not to think about you but it's so difficult. One thing I do not understand is.. how can someone that I once shared so much with and thought so highly of can now be so disgustingly horrible and cruel towards me?

 

You are not the person I thought you were.

  • Like 1
AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted

Seriously,

 

You know, you really did treat me crappily for someone who claimed to care about me.

 

You knew how scared I was of NC in light of my friend's death and it didn't phase you in the slightest.

 

You never stopped to think, particularly given how little time it had been since I lost weight, how saying that your ED might mean that "you were losing attraction for me" how it might affect me.

 

You made continuing the relationship contigent upon me being able to arouse you and then acted as if I should be perfectly content when a) you couldn't and b) you nearly refused to seek medical help.

 

And when I needed you, were you there for me? I was there for you. Did you stop to think when you called late that night that I had a test the next day? Did you even stop to think or ask? But because for me, people are more important than tests, I didn't even hesitate to be there for me when you needed to talk.

 

but when I needed you through this long and hideous fall with this health problem that plummets me into a nasty combo of physical symptoms and intense depression, were you there? Nope.

 

Courage. Never was your strong suit.

L1ght Established Member

L1ght

Posted
Posted
Seriously,

 

You know, you really did treat me crappily for someone who claimed to care about me.

 

You knew how scared I was of NC in light of my friend's death and it didn't phase you in the slightest.

 

You never stopped to think, particularly given how little time it had been since I lost weight, how saying that your ED might mean that "you were losing attraction for me" how it might affect me.

 

You made continuing the relationship contigent upon me being able to arouse you and then acted as if I should be perfectly content when a) you couldn't and b) you nearly refused to seek medical help.

 

And when I needed you, were you there for me? I was there for you. Did you stop to think when you called late that night that I had a test the next day? Did you even stop to think or ask? But because for me, people are more important than tests, I didn't even hesitate to be there for me when you needed to talk.

 

but when I needed you through this long and hideous fall with this health problem that plummets me into a nasty combo of physical symptoms and intense depression, were you there? Nope.

 

Courage. Never was your strong suit.

Stop looking for answers. Move on with your life. If he loves you he will come back and resolve things with you some day. Today is not that day. Patience is without a doubt your best friend right now.

Hello201 Member

Hello201

Posted
Posted

since you broke me in two , i still love you after this , i know you love me there is more to this there is a gap in what has happenned and you either wont or cant tell me ??

 

ive missed talking to you on the phone as many times a day as we did messages emails all of it

 

i will not lie i will miss you this weekend its the 2nd weekend and 11 days since ive seen you in person , i can hear you voice telling me you love me and can smell you i still remember the last time we made love it was as always amazing to feel you skin on skin

 

so i dont know what you are feeling i just dont get it you said you were ready all that time ago , i would have waited for you if you wernt you are so special to me i have never loved like i love you , i spose that why its so hard

anyway i have made plans this weekend seeing as you broke ours

i wont tell you who im spending the weekend but i do actuaally know you would be happy for me

 

i love you i miss you i need you why are you doing this to us you had a future something neither of us had

 

i love you xxx

  • Like 1
stillfiguringitallou Established Member

stillfiguringitallou

Posted
Posted

Because I *know* you - I know you don't have any idea what you are getting yourself into.

 

I know because how swiftly her contributions to our problems were accepted. How easily she was able to undo two years worth of knowledge and experience.

 

How easily your opinion was turned.

 

I've watched you battle deep depression and a court system designed to screw fathers. and I'm worried. I'm worried that bringing her into our lives didn't contribute to my destruction - but will now contribute to yours.

 

I hope you don't fall down the rabbit hole, because I still love you.

 

Be careful and take care of you.

AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted
Stop looking for answers. Move on with your life. If he loves you he will come back and resolve things with you some day. Today is not that day. Patience is without a doubt your best friend right now.

 

This isn't looking for answers. When the crashes happen I stop being able to automatically look at the relationship objectively. This is me forcing myself to do that.

 

If I'm honest with myself and my gut, I know why. I know.

 

Even the why of shy he won't respond to me.

 

This crash, prolonged by te need to go off my supplements for the test is taking me longer to get out of. But even though my doctor assures me that treatment will work, and these nutritional crashes will end, I can't act as if I do.

 

Yeah, each one may make if feel like the last meeting was about a monh ago, and take me backwards in my healing, when that happens, though, instead of just tolerating it , I have to work a program. I'm trying the GPYB.

 

Dude has spent way too much time in my head and I'm tired of it.

STM206 Established Member

STM206

Posted
Posted

I remember when we were hanging out with my mom one day and this song was playing on the radio. You said to both of us that the line "We're not broken, just bent" hit home for you. It was how you felt when it came to you and I. Whatever issues would arise, you would realize we we're only in a rough patch, yet we were worth everything.

 

What happened?

 

Right from the start, You were a thief. You stole my heart, And I your willing victim. I let you see the parts of me, That weren't all that pretty, And with every touch you fixed them.

 

Now you've been talking in your sleep. Things you never say to me. Tell me that you've had enough, Of our love, our love.

 

Just give me a reason. Just a little bit's enough. Just a second we're not broken just bent, And we can learn to love again. It's in the stars, It's been written in the scars on our hearts. We're not broken just bent, And we can learn to love again.

firmness Established Member

firmness

Posted
Posted

Dear Claudia,

 

It has been over three years since I walked out, and hardly a day goes by that I do not ache deeply over losing you. I cry - a lot - still.

 

I have dated a few other women since then. Nothing and no one compares to what you were and what we had. Nothing.

 

I know that you are not the same woman I married, and I know there is no going back. But I still wish from the deepest part of me that we could go back in time. I wish so badly that I could go to any one of a thousand days from our 20 years together and pick one day and relive it and just fall asleep and never wake up. I want/need that peace. I am so weary. So tired. So empty. So confused.

 

I am not a bad man. You are not a bad woman. The social influences around us are very powerful and I think they got to both of us. I wish I could change that. But I could not do it alone. I HAD to depend on you to pull your weight and do your part. I wish I could have been stronger.

 

This note is being sent out into the universe for a bunch of strangers to read. But I wish the old you could read it. I wish you could know that you had as much emotional power as I had physical power in our relationship - and I wish you could have wielded your power with as much care and respect as I did mine.

 

They say that time heals all wounds - but that is not really true, is it. I will never get over you- I am not sure I want to. I am broken but somehow still functioning. And no matter how strong I am in so many ways, I will always have this gaping hole in my heart where you/we used to be.

 

The only small hope I have is that when I die one day way in the future I will see you again - the old you - and we can hold each other and never let go. I promise I will try harder this time.

 

I love you.

  • Like 2
Always Pondering Established Member

Always Pondering

Posted
Posted

I don't know why today is different, maybe it's because I sat around a lot doing nothing today.

 

I feel a little lost. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry, but I feel myself starting again to want to ask myself questions like I did months ago. These were the same questions I asked myself a long time ago but realized they were pointless things to dwell on. As I sit here, I wonder: "Why did you ignore me the last time I contacted you?" "Do you hate me, not care about me, or miss me?" "Will we ever talk again?"

 

It was so exhausting when I used to wonder about these questions so I don't understand why they're coming up again today.

 

I wish we talked again.

 

I wish we had a last goodbye. To be honest now that I think of it, we never really had a conversation where we closed things and went our different ways. I feel if I had one more opportunity to see you in person and just seal things for good, I'd feel a whole lot better. I know all questions cannot be "answered" and this is something that I may never be given the chance to, but I really did wish it happened.

 

I just wish that things ended on a better note. :(

stillfiguringitallou Established Member

stillfiguringitallou

Posted
Posted

Dear J,

 

We talked today. Confrontation, turned to hurt, turned to communication and understanding.

 

And I finally truly feel at peace with where we are. Even if it is the only place we will ever be. You all but admitted that you are where I was in December, where you are dating and trying to move on but struggling to. You did admit that in fact.

 

We've both hurt each other a lot. Your trust issues and my abandonment issues were the perfect storm. And we have both, in our own times and way, hurt each other very deeply.

 

And yet, we can't seem to just go separate ways. Not really. We do try though.

 

I'm glad we talked, and I'm sorry that my issues with abandonment combined with our vulnerability after our loss, left us open to the type of outside manipulation that we both succumbed to. And I'm sorry this caused us both so much pain. And I really do hope you enjoy dinner with your new friend. The same as I did with mine.

 

We both say we're finished, but we just seem to keep circling each other unsure of what to really do. So I've given the whole situation over to the universe. Whatever comes is what will be. What it should be.

 

I'll always love you, and I know regardless you'll always love me.

 

After today, I truly am at peace with the situation and whatever the future holds for us both. Apart - or - together.

 

And I hope you are as well.

L1ght Established Member

L1ght

Posted
Posted
This isn't looking for answers. When the crashes happen I stop being able to automatically look at the relationship objectively. This is me forcing myself to do that.

 

If I'm honest with myself and my gut, I know why. I know.

 

Even the why of shy he won't respond to me.

 

This crash, prolonged by te need to go off my supplements for the test is taking me longer to get out of. But even though my doctor assures me that treatment will work, and these nutritional crashes will end, I can't act as if I do.

 

Yeah, each one may make if feel like the last meeting was about a monh ago, and take me backwards in my healing, when that happens, though, instead of just tolerating it , I have to work a program. I'm trying the GPYB.

 

Dude has spent way too much time in my head and I'm tired of it.

Its funny really "too much time in my head"......my ex contacted me this past week. I'm not surprised at all because people tend to have an ability to sense when they are starting to be forgotten by someone. My ex was no longer spending "too much time in my head" and she sensed it, that's why she reached out to me.

You wanna heal? Drop everything with relation to him and your healing will be rapid.

Chances are he will reach out to you some time down the line but even if he doesn't you wont even care by then. Change the tune, turn the page...at least for now while you let yourself heal.

AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted

Dear you,

 

I think I know finally what is wearing your mask in my head.

 

So any time that I nutritionally crash and begin to think I am getting morose about you, losing you, the friendship blah blah blah.

 

I'm going to turn it to what I think is the real subject. I think maybe somewhere in that unconscious where the little kid lives in Jungian archetypal fields or whatever :p, there is the conception that somehow if I can restore our friendship it will somehow make my friend's death not real somehow. Or somehow it will be like getting her friendship back, or somehow, winning what was lost.

 

So I'm going to make myself think about her and grieve the loss of her friendship. All in all, she was a much truer friend to me than you ever were. You faded long ago, so I hope maybe this makes you fade out of my head.

 

Because one thing I know, is that you're not coming back.

Hello201 Member

Hello201

Posted
Posted

Hey I love you I miss you

I've been up since 4 still can't sleep

Was thinking loads yesterday and finally I think that you just didn't love me anymore but why did the dream not match the reality , ok yes I made one big mistake

But you knew I felt I was competing against yr work , some of yr friends not the boys I love them , but still you had me around when you were doing them , and what about that night at the gig , when you said bout cinema with Xxxx I said not my thing you told him straight away it could have waited til the morning it was a month away

Hope you enjoy that by the way , always made time for him and his problems , but it appears not outs

So that's why we are here we both did things the other didn't like but only one of us wanted to sort it

Oh you told me you wanted a break the day after I buried my uncle , really did you thing I was going to blow my top to make it easier , didn't did I haha

So bye for now may not look like it but I love you xxxxmiss you need you xxx

L1ght Established Member

L1ght

Posted
Posted (edited)
Dear you,

 

I think I know finally what is wearing your mask in my head.

 

So any time that I nutritionally crash and begin to think I am getting morose about you, losing you, the friendship blah blah blah.

 

I'm going to turn it to what I think is the real subject. I think maybe somewhere in that unconscious where the little kid lives in Jungian archetypal fields or whatever :p, there is the conception that somehow if I can restore our friendship it will somehow make my friend's death not real somehow. Or somehow it will be like getting her friendship back, or somehow, winning what was lost.

 

So I'm going to make myself think about her and grieve the loss of her friendship. All in all, she was a much truer friend to me than you ever were. You faded long ago, so I hope maybe this makes you fade out of my head.

 

Because one thing I know, is that you're not coming back.

changed my mind...was gonna criticise but thought better of it. Have a nice day Anya.

Edited by L1ght
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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