Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[AnyaNova]

Anya, I'm trying to understand your ability to function during crashes. You write the same types of posts on LS during your crashes as when you are not crashing. You write very well, so I am confused as to how a crash could affect your cognition to the point of being unable to redirect your thoughts.

 

I'm not a psychologist, but I don't see how simply redirecting ones thoughts could be on that high of a level of thinking. I found that redirecting thoughts was one of the simplest things to do when I found myself constantly analyzing my breakup.

 

Actually I don't write nearly as well. My thoughts become extremely disorganized, circular, and tangled. I lose the aility to succinctly summarize and organize my thoughts. My grammar gets terrible as well, and the number of fun on sentences I write dramatiically increase.

 

Cognitive redirection requires mental flexibility. It actually is a higher order cognitive skill. For some research for a class I just completed having to do with dementia, I ended up reading some about cognitive flexibility Nd how it is lost when one has dementia.

 

It may seem like an easy skill, it certainly did to me until I found conditions under which I lost the ability to be cognitively flexible enough to redirect my thoughts.

[AnyaNova]

Reductio as absurdim much?

 

I'm sorry but seriously, you have not one clue what you are talking about.

 

Sometime, google celiac and/or gluten intolerance and neurological issues.

 

1) I never claimed that the fixation subject when my brain is nutritionally starved was anything but particular to me a d my life.

 

2) **** you. I'm sorry but you have no idea, no understanding and frankly I am 90 percent sure that the reason you are reacting to this so emotionally is precisely because under the surface, if you admit my experience might actually be as I am reporting it, and that your experience of yourself and reality fundamentally altered by something so out of your control, than you have to admit a scary possibility that someday something like this might happen to you.

 

You only see me when I'm not doing as well. I tend to disappear from the site because I am out living my life and having fun and not thinking about the ex when my nutrition is good.

 

But frankly, Ligjt, if you're idea of "helping" is to stand there, essentially tell me that it is a failure of willpower, and accuse me of lying, that is t helping me at all. All it does is hurt. Because it is not a choice. I deadly wish it were. For one to have a choice of what to think about, one requires a certain level of cognitive functioning. That has become increasingly clear as I've experienced this.

 

3) because Light, when one's cognitive and physical abilities are compromised across the board, the range of activities that one is capable of becomes much smaller. Because sometimes other people have good ideas that you would not see yourself.

 

All I can tell you, is that CBT takes a level of cognitive skill that I don't have when crashing. And telling me over and over that if I just exercised more will, I would suddenly and magically regain the skill without the fundamental building blocks in the brain that allow the brain to function normally is like telling a diabetic to think themselves enough insulin to process the sugars and carbs in their bloodstream.

 

 

Yeah I think I'm gonna have to draw a hard line on this. Of course this is just my opinion and what I personally believe. I really don't think you are trying hard enough Anya despite everything you have said about cognitive this, physical ability that, food intolerance this, vitamin deficiency blah blah blah. I tried giving it a shot yesterday even though I never believed any of it.

I mean since when do all those things you described cause a person to obsessively fixate about a human being(said human being the person who you call your ex who isn't even a part of your life anymore)? and why do any of us have to come up with list of positive things for you to do to take your mind of him only for you to pretty much turn around and say that 99% of those things are no good because you wont be cognitively or physically capable. Aren't you doing a degree or something? How the hell are you managing to do the work required to pass your degree if you become as lame as you claim to become during crashes? You are not being totally honest because if you were then you would have failed miserably at your degree already and you wouldn't be able to express yourself here in these forums when you crash.

Honestly.....change the damn tune already. Your ex has nothing to do with your crashes. Its total nonsense to say that such things force you to think about a human being....since when did that become a verified medial thing? A medical condition that takes over the brain and forces you to fixate on your ex? That's basically what you are saying. Its bullsh*t. No more excuses. If you wanna leave him behind then for god sake just stop thinking about him.....ok?

Sounds like a solid plan to me.

Hope you snap out of it sooner rather than later.

That's all I have to say and that is the end of my contribution to this particular situation.

Good luck.

[L1ght]

Reductio as absurdim much?

 

I'm sorry but seriously, you have not one clue what you are talking about.

 

Sometime, google celiac and/or gluten intolerance and neurological issues.

 

1) I never claimed that the fixation subject when my brain is nutritionally starved was anything but particular to me a d my life.

 

2) **** you. I'm sorry but you have no idea, no understanding and frankly I am 90 percent sure that the reason you are reacting to this so emotionally is precisely because under the surface, if you admit my experience might actually be as I am reporting it, and that your experience of yourself and reality fundamentally altered by something so out of your control, than you have to admit a scary possibility that someday something like this might happen to you.

 

You only see me when I'm not doing as well. I tend to disappear from the site because I am out living my life and having fun and not thinking about the ex when my nutrition is good.

 

But frankly, Ligjt, if you're idea of "helping" is to stand there, essentially tell me that it is a failure of willpower, and accuse me of lying, that is t helping me at all. All it does is hurt. Because it is not a choice. I deadly wish it were. For one to have a choice of what to think about, one requires a certain level of cognitive functioning. That has become increasingly clear as I've experienced this.

 

3) because Light, when one's cognitive and physical abilities are compromised across the board, the range of activities that one is capable of becomes much smaller. Because sometimes other people have good ideas that you would not see yourself.

 

All I can tell you, is that CBT takes a level of cognitive skill that I don't have when crashing. And telling me over and over that if I just exercised more will, I would suddenly and magically regain the skill without the fundamental building blocks in the brain that allow the brain to function normally is like telling a diabetic to think themselves enough insulin to process the sugars and carbs in their bloodstream.

Did you just say "F*ck you"? Fair enough. F*ck you too. Your problems are insignificant to me and to be honest I find your persistent excuse making and your extremely emotionally weak behaviour repulsive. You talk like a loser who is incapable of taking control of her own life yet you are still capable of studying for a degree?.....I'm not buying it in the slightest. You come here looking for sympathy and a boost to your own ego. You pretend to be weak when clearly you are mentally strong. So stop f*cking around and take control of your life for once. You are capable of controlling what you think about during crashes. Don't say that you are not because the more you say that the more you will believe it. Quit with the negative attitude. Do me a favour......whenever you crash from now on just say to yourself" Right! I am now not going to think about my ex!!!" and force yourself to think about something else...anything you want, absolutely anything. Don't even try to say you are incapable of that....no more excuses. You are not an imbecile so stop acting like one.

[AnyaNova]

p.s.-- just for fun, knowing that b12 deficiency, which is what rely started the ball rolling, it was the first nutritional deficiency we found I. Me since I went gluten free-can cause its own type of dementia...I googled dementia and fixations.

 

I was not surprised that fixations are a common issue among people with diminished brain function.

 

You might try googling it yourself.

[L1ght]

p.s.-- just for fun, knowing that b12 deficiency, which is what rely started the ball rolling, it was the first nutritional deficiency we found I. Me since I went gluten free-can cause its own type of dementia...I googled dementia and fixations.

 

I was not surprised that fixations are a common issue among people with diminished brain function.

 

You might try googling it yourself.

No need. I know I'm crazy sometimes...but at least I don't use it as an excuse to focus all my energy on somebody who doesn't love me anymore.

[AnyaNova]

Did you just say "F*ck you"? Fair enough. F*ck you too. Your problems are insignificant to me and to be honest I find your persistent excuse making and your extremely emotionally weak behaviour repulsive. You talk like a loser who is incapable of taking control of her own life yet you are still capable of studying for a degree?.....I'm not buying it in the slightest. You come here looking for sympathy and a boost to your own ego. You pretend to be weak when clearly you are mentally strong. So stop f*cking around and take control of your life for once. You are capable of controlling what you think about during crashes. Don't say that you are not because the more you say that the more you will believe it. Quit with the negative attitude. Do me a favour......whenever you crash from now on just say to yourself" Right! I am now not going to think about my ex!!!" and force yourself to think about something else...anything you want, absolutely anything. Don't even try to say you are incapable of that....no more excuses. You are not an imbecile so stop acting like one.

 

Emotionally weak behavior?

 

I'm sure you will put in some last word, but you have officially lost the right to talk to me. You have no idea the **** that I have been through, and just how extraordinarily not emotionally weak I am.

 

I should have known after our first conversation that productive and helpful conversations wih you were not likely to be a lasting state.

 

Go off in high dudgdeon. Feel confident that you are right that I'm making all this up and that nutriton couldn't have his strong of an effec on your brain. But you will know that lite nagging fear within because from the gett go with you it has always been about control and he reason you want to insult me now has nothin to do with helping me, and everything to do with pushing away your fears about things you might not have control over.

 

You think this is just mental? Dude, when this really manifested I lost over 50 pounds changing nothing in my life and most of my hair fell out.

 

Just because this is reality that you have no experience of, and that if you were honest with yourself, probably scares the **** out of you, believe me it doesn't overwhelm me with joy precisely because it is so out of my control, does not mean that it is not real.

 

But productive conversation with you ceased the minute you went on the attack.

[L1ght]

Emotionally weak behavior?

 

I'm sure you will put in some last word, but you have officially lost the right to talk to me. You have no idea the **** that I have been through, and just how extraordinarily not emotionally weak I am.

 

I should have known after our first conversation that productive and helpful conversations wih you were not likely to be a lasting state.

 

Go off in high dudgdeon. Feel confident that you are right that I'm making all this up and that nutriton couldn't have his strong of an effec on your brain. But you will know that lite nagging fear within because from the gett go with you it has always been about control and he reason you want to insult me now has nothin to do with helping me, and everything to do with pushing away your fears about things you might not have control over.

 

You think this is just mental? Dude, when this really manifested I lost over 50 pounds changing nothing in my life and most of my hair fell out.

 

Just because this is reality that you have no experience of, and that if you were honest with yourself, probably scares the **** out of you, believe me it doesn't overwhelm me with joy precisely because it is so out of my control, does not mean that it is not real.

 

But productive conversation with you ceased the minute you went on the attack.

You act like you are the only person in the whole universe to feel negativity, the only person who has ever cried, the only person who has ever felt depressed or sad or lonely or hopeless......so what does that say about you?

Also is that the second time you have said that I am scared of going through what you are going through? Uhm You are assuming I've never done exactly the same thing you are doing now which is convince myself that I am not in control of what or who I think about. Of course I have done that before and it took me about a year after my most recent break up to take control of my mind and how I use it as far as thoughts of my ex are concerned.

Lol officially lost the right to talk to you? That's hilarious and kinda hot.

I beg your pardon my queen.....your wish is my command, though any time you wanna take your mind of your ex feel free to hit me up.

[AnyaNova]

Contemplating what the precise alpha level would be for likrlihood that if I were a man on here reporting the precise cognitive effects in combination with the physical effects, that I would be believed.

 

I'd love to do a study. I believe the chance of a false positive error, would indeed be below p=.05. I would't be surprised if if were below .01.

[L1ght]

Contemplating what the precise alpha level would be for likrlihood that if I were a man on here reporting the precise cognitive effects in combination with the physical effects, that I would be believed.

 

I'd love to do a study. I believe the chance of a false positive error, would indeed be below p=.05. I would't be surprised if if were below .01.

Depends if crashes effect his ability to gain a degree or not. I mean at the end of the day when you have got your head in the books the only way you would be capable of giving the required focus to your work so you can complete your degree is if you are giving it total commitment. The fact that you are still on course to complete your degree suggests that you are in fact capable of giving your degree complete and undivided attention when and if you need to which means that you are in fact more capable of controlling what you think about than you keep claiming.

[AnyaNova]

Depends if crashes effect his ability to gain a degree or not. I mean at the end of the day when you have got your head in the books the only way you would be capable of giving the required focus to your work so you can complete your degree is if you are giving it total commitment. The fact that you are still on course to complete your degree suggests that you are in fact capable of giving your degree complete and undivided attention when and if you need to which means that you are in fact more capable of controlling what you think about than you keep claiming.

 

The only way I e begun to have any real academic success is to 99 percent of the time, not do any work while crashing. To do so prolongs the crash and the wuitu is bad.

 

By taking the time to allow mysf to crash, and to focus on spacing out my supplements for maximum absorption and waiting until my brain is functioning better.

 

Unfortunately, every once in awhile a deadline looms and I have to anyway. The quality suffers badly though.

 

The fact that I am still alive through the **** that I have gone through from the time I was small, combined with the effects this illness has had on me from when I was a child, things I did not even understand at the time were happening because of it...you know I will freely admit that when I'm crashing I get crazy. 100 percent batty.

 

But don't ever call me emotionally weak. Emotionally weak people wouldn't have survived a fraction of ehat I have. You don't know me or the entirety of my life. But one thing I have had more than enough of, is people condescending to me without any real understanding.

 

I know I'm not the only one to have suffered. However, on this board. I seem to be the only one to have this particular illness and its nutritional ramifications have this effect on my mind and body.

 

If I had to make a guess, I would say from the research I've done, is that some of these nutritional deficiencies cause a secondary pseudo frontal-temporal dementia, which often actually do come with strong fixations. That is just a working hypothesis, but given the avaialae evidence, it makes a lot of sense.

 

I might like. It to something that happens to a lot of people when they get a high fever, where some thought, phrase, image, or idea just gets stuck and endlessly repeats.

 

I should have know. Last night that though the C helped it wasn't cometpletely alleviating the crash. My inabith to walk away from tr dispute and go do something that I enjoyed, which is what I usually do with all brain cinders firing.

 

Look. I know when crashing I'm as batty as a belfry in a horror movie.

 

But that is not who I fundamentally am when my brain had the puzzle pieces necessary to function. I know it is outside your ken and I know it violates a lot of people's fundamental precepts about the world that help them feel safe and comfortable.

 

Also if I understand the brain processes when the higher regions of the brain shut down or lose function, the amygdala often takes o ever, so to speak. The amygdala, which houses and stores traumatic memories like seeing one's ex in utter and complete devestation over your impending separation.

 

It is probably not surprising that as my brain constricts and does whatever it does when it loses vital chemicals and things necessary for it to function well, that it is that which my brain fixates on.

 

My guess is the brain seems to protect first and foremost the more primitive areas of the brain controlling vital functions like breathing, heart rate, and arousal levels (as in sleep, wake not sex). And that the first thing it diverts energy from when nutrients get scarce are the frontal lives and the more recent areas that allow for higher order reasoning.

 

Tight now I am crashing slightly, but the reason. I can type his and these ideas are because they are not new to me

 

Right now I cannot literally put together a new idea. I'm trying to. It is something that comes naturally to me. But I can't do it. It is like right now I cannot move around inside my own mind. It is a highly disconcerting feeling (along wih the sense of pressure that is not precisely pain in a very specific region of my head right now.

 

I know this is not normal. I know I want my life back. I also know my doctor

Thinks that treatment when we can start it si make this become a thing of the past.

[Mary Oak]

Today I am full of anger. But I don't think the anger is any better than the tears. This is so ridiculous that I can't get over you. Almost two years... God, who am I? I function well in life. I get done what I need to get done, work wise, social wise, family wise, but the only time I feel okay is when I am at home, specifically in our room by myself with the dogs. No one can hurt me there.

 

I change my mind on this so many times, but as of this moment, I would erase every memory of you to not have this pain anymore.

 

"It aint the whiskey,

It ain't the cigarettes,

It ain't the stuff I smoke,

It all the things I can't forget....

It ain't the hard times,

It aint the all nights,

It ain't the whiskey....

That's killing me..."

[Kansas87]

I have kept myself so busy this week that I have been doing pretty well (other than Monday). Overall, I felt like I was happy, in a good place, and moving on. But now that the busy-ness is almost over I find myself feeling...melancholy. Sad.

I miss you. I miss doing all the things we have spent the past two summers doing together. I miss the dream I had of spending this summer the same way even though things were different. Now that is totally gone and it makes me so sad. I feel very lonely right now. I wish you were waiting for me to come home.

[Peacock_Tail]

We both know that your ex is not the one for you, don't fool yourself because you two have a long history. I just hope you don't regret it later because it will be too late and it must be really annoying to live with that.

 

Anyway, it was amazing.

 

You missed your chance, baby. Take care.

[sooshi]

Happy graduation.

[AnyaNova]

Why do you look so much like the actor who plays Sheldon from the Big Bang theory?

[love1336x]

why did I drunk dial you? I hate myself.

[Brokenguy22]

Argh missing her like crazy today !>_<!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posting here!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ally1993]

Missing you more than ever lately. Maybe it's because I've been dreaming about you constantly the past month.

 

I'm just waiting for the day you tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you regret breaking up with me. Hope this happens soon because that is the only thing which will give me closure and realise I am worthy

[STM206]

I still miss you, that's all that I can say.

[love1336x]

I don't get it

[Mondmellonw]

It was weird to walk outside that "Beer & Beef" place yesterday and think that maybe you were there.

And it was weirder to see you sitting on there. lol

I actually laughed inside when I saw you, and you saw me too.

I didn't felt angry or sad, just happy.

 

Thanks for teaching me so many things about myself.

Ok -maybe it wasn't you who taught me those-

It was the relationship...

 

Without you/that relationship, I wouldn't have the opportunities I have now...

[ThatOneGuyThat]

No I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be anything less than first if I was ever to be in your life. Yes being with you would be easier, it would eliminate all the hurt I am feeling. But, it would not be right, you do not deserve me. You have hurt me tremendously and I may be able to forgive you in the future, but I cannot now. Especially if you are here and with me seeing you the way you are. You are not the person I thought you once were.

 

You made all the choices. You knew everything about me. You chose to hurt me, because you knew it would hurt me, I told you it hurt and you still did it. I was there for you when you needed me but when I needed you, you weren't there. Instead you were with him. Cheating on me, you cheated before that kiss. And now that I'm gone you're still with him. But what do I expect. You are the things you hate most in this world. A liar and cheater. You clearly have and had no respect for me.

 

You were a cheater well before that kiss. You were unfaithful to me for a long time, keeping things from me, flirting with others. Especially with Matt even though we were together, you never shut him down. You wanted the attention because apparently I didn’t give you enough, and I guess you wanted him too. You were waiting for an excuse to get rid of me to get one him; you were preparing to jump on to him. No wonder you took the condoms.

 

You made me feel like the bad guy, saying that I was breaking your heart. I did nothing wrong, you were the one messing around. You just wanted to make any excuse you could to get what you want. Away from me and get him.

 

You went out of your way to see him. You lied to me. You made excuses for him. Even he thought it was weird you going to his, but you said it didn't matter. You didn't ask me, you took my trust for granted. You took me and our relationship for granted. You were always trying to find faults in me. You chose him over me. You shouldn’t have been meeting him over me, you should have been spending that time with me. You never should have lied to me. And as for him if he is willing to approach someone who he know is in a relationship once, they will likely be willing to do it again. Don't be surprised if they hurt you next. There isn't a lot separating stepping in to someone else's relationship and stepping out of one of their own. He knew you were in a relationship and he knew it would hurt me to.

 

You decided he was better than me. It's why you did what you did. Why you're doing what you're doing. You haven't moved on. You're filling a hole inside you which cannot be filled. You think you're happy but all you're doing is running away from the truth, from the pain. You ran away from your problems and will keep running. You will never be satisfied. But it will catch up; it will hit you like a tonne of bricks. You chose to give us on us, to give up on me.

 

You're incapable of a serious relationship. You don’t know how to be by yourself, be happy by yourself. You will just jump from one to the other. Searching for excitement, thinking its love. It’s not, you confuse love for infatuation. But what we had was a real relationship with real love, care and attention. But as soon as you felt it slip, that puppy love leave and all that remained was real love and commitment you were scared. You didn’t see what he had because you don’t know what real love is. You don’t understand that relationships are work, you think it just happens. They don’t. Ask anyone.

 

You ran. You pushed me away. And none of this will ever change because you will never work on yourself. It will always repeat. You chose lust over love. Something new over old. Him over me.

 

We had something real. But you decided what we had wasn't worth fighting for. So I'm deciding you're not worth fighting for. I may not be perfect but I did love you perfectly. I gave you everything I had, and you won’t find anyone who matches up to that. I don't want to talk to you until you realise and reconcile. And if that doesn't happen then oh well. I would have already moved on.

 

I guess the real truth to the matter is that you never really loved me. I was not your first love, just some bump in the road of your life. You feel no guilt over what you’re doing, nor the pain you’re causing me at this time through your actions. You are no longer the person I once new, who would care for me no matter what. You will not miss what we once had, because you chose you no longer wanted it and if you do it shows what a mistake you have made to yourself already. You can say how special we were in your head if you really want, but if we really were you would have tried.

 

You decided it would be worth more to start again with someone new than with me. You didn’t want to fix the plate you, you wanted to find a new one. You don’t know what you want, even when everything you could ever want is all right there in front you, you just ignored it. You treated me like a toy, when you saw a new toy you dropped me and went for it. And soon you’re going to be bored of that toy too, just like everyone else. You will realise what you lost and when that happens be brave and swallow your pride. I may give you another chance.

 

Yes all these things are in the past and cannot be changed. But the future can be controlled. And I'm taking control of mine. Good luck with taking control of yours.

[AnyaNova]

I knew it was stupid that a part of my brain still looks for you while I'm driving in my town, looks for you and your silver car.

 

It was stupid enough then when you lived 30 minutes or so away.

 

Really stupid now when I know that you are over 4 hours away. And you have a profile on the dating site up, found that a couple times ago while googling you during a crash playing with your chosen "nic" and your initials.

 

Won't be doing that again.

 

But DAMMIT you. Don't you dare break her heart. Don't you dare make the mistakes you made with me and treat her the way you treated me.

 

And dammit. Even if it hurts like hell, even if to you, like Monkeymaid suggested that it probably did...even if my love for you hurt like hell, even if loving her hurts like hell and receiving her love hurts like hell...

 

damn you, you love her and receive that love unitl it stops hurting. Do not run away like a scared little child again leaving her as shattered as you left me. Got it?

 

And don't you dare go for some little wallflower who will encourage your dependence on your parents, it may feel great and safe now, but in a few years at the most it will feel like the worst prison you have ever experienced (hint: it is).

 

Your life task now, is to find a way to independence, to stop living for your parents needs, but for your own and those in your life who truly care about you FOR YOU!

 

In a year or two I pray that you will try moving away again somewhere away from them.

 

You can do it.

 

Please this is the huge one thing that if you ever do anything, or feel any guilt over what happened or leaving...please do this. Not for me, but for you.

 

Learn to be that strong, confident man that you showed only to me back then. But show it to everyone, all the time, to the world. Be yourself truly.

 

It will always be true that I will miss you. I hope sometimes that you miss me too, and at the least, recognize what we could have been.

[L1ght]

The only way I e begun to have any real academic success is to 99 percent of the time, not do any work while crashing. To do so prolongs the crash and the wuitu is bad.

 

By taking the time to allow mysf to crash, and to focus on spacing out my supplements for maximum absorption and waiting until my brain is functioning better.

 

Unfortunately, every once in awhile a deadline looms and I have to anyway. The quality suffers badly though.

 

The fact that I am still alive through the **** that I have gone through from the time I was small, combined with the effects this illness has had on me from when I was a child, things I did not even understand at the time were happening because of it...you know I will freely admit that when I'm crashing I get crazy. 100 percent batty.

 

But don't ever call me emotionally weak. Emotionally weak people wouldn't have survived a fraction of ehat I have. You don't know me or the entirety of my life. But one thing I have had more than enough of, is people condescending to me without any real understanding.

 

I know I'm not the only one to have suffered. However, on this board. I seem to be the only one to have this particular illness and its nutritional ramifications have this effect on my mind and body.

 

If I had to make a guess, I would say from the research I've done, is that some of these nutritional deficiencies cause a secondary pseudo frontal-temporal dementia, which often actually do come with strong fixations. That is just a working hypothesis, but given the avaialae evidence, it makes a lot of sense.

 

I might like. It to something that happens to a lot of people when they get a high fever, where some thought, phrase, image, or idea just gets stuck and endlessly repeats.

 

I should have know. Last night that though the C helped it wasn't cometpletely alleviating the crash. My inabith to walk away from tr dispute and go do something that I enjoyed, which is what I usually do with all brain cinders firing.

 

Look. I know when crashing I'm as batty as a belfry in a horror movie.

 

But that is not who I fundamentally am when my brain had the puzzle pieces necessary to function. I know it is outside your ken and I know it violates a lot of people's fundamental precepts about the world that help them feel safe and comfortable.

 

Also if I understand the brain processes when the higher regions of the brain shut down or lose function, the amygdala often takes o ever, so to speak. The amygdala, which houses and stores traumatic memories like seeing one's ex in utter and complete devestation over your impending separation.

 

It is probably not surprising that as my brain constricts and does whatever it does when it loses vital chemicals and things necessary for it to function well, that it is that which my brain fixates on.

 

My guess is the brain seems to protect first and foremost the more primitive areas of the brain controlling vital functions like breathing, heart rate, and arousal levels (as in sleep, wake not sex). And that the first thing it diverts energy from when nutrients get scarce are the frontal lives and the more recent areas that allow for higher order reasoning.

 

Tight now I am crashing slightly, but the reason. I can type his and these ideas are because they are not new to me

 

Right now I cannot literally put together a new idea. I'm trying to. It is something that comes naturally to me. But I can't do it. It is like right now I cannot move around inside my own mind. It is a highly disconcerting feeling (along wih the sense of pressure that is not precisely pain in a very specific region of my head right now.

 

I know this is not normal. I know I want my life back. I also know my doctor

Thinks that treatment when we can start it si make this become a thing of the past.

You can do it. You are strong enough.

[Always Pondering]

I feel very great as I haven't asked myself a question about the results of what happened or any reason in about a week or two. It feels amazing to not be thinking of you all the dang time. I don't mean that as an insult but rather as a sense of happiness and relief that I'm not so mentally exhausted all the time from asking myself questions and thinking about things.

 

I have to admit though, I still have that annoying habit of looking for your car out on the road when I drive around. For some reason, my mind keeps thinking that your car will pass by and I'll see you driving in it. It's much less but still happens every day or two that I go out.

 

I had my first dream with you in it last night, the first in about a month. It wasn't anything special and I don't remember how I felt or the details but I remember that you were in it. I've got to say it was real annoying for you to show up every night or two in my dreams but this, this I can deal with.

 

Well, that's about it.

 

Take care, S.