Post here instead of contacting your ex!

May 15, 2014

No matter how they happen, whether it's purely biological or a combination of biology, psychology and inadequate prepping, you can't continue to use them as an excuse to keep picking at this scab. You assured me a few weeks ago after you sent an unanswered e-mail that you were OK, that his lack of response was what you needed to turn the page. But you are exactly where I was afraid you were going to go after that happened, spiraling back down into the abyss. And it sucks to see that.

I wonder if these crashes are exacerbated by the stress Anya is putting on herself. That has been my suspicion for some time now actually. This constant ruminating about the ex and inability to let go. I hate to see it because she seems to have a lot of good in her life.

May 15, 2014

I wonder if these crashes are exacerbated by the stress Anya is putting on herself. That has been my suspicion for some time now actually. This constant ruminating about the ex and inability to let go. I hate to see it because she seems to have a lot of good in her life.

It wouldn't surprise me if there was a psychological trigger to them, where it almost becomes a self-fulfilling philosophy (a stray thought starts the crash, as the crash deepens so do the thoughts, so on and so forth). Like an avalanche, just rolling on top of each other, intermingling while both growing in size. Eventually it crashes at the base of the mountain and melts and all is good, but the next one is starting to build at the summit.

May 15, 2014

I guess I'm really not getting the whole "nutritional crash" thing. Is this something that can be dealt with proactively by taking supplements throughout the day even when you are crashing, like insulin with a diabetic? If so, do these crashes come from you forgetting/neglecting to take the supplements due to being busy/distracted/etc.? You talk about them a lot, and it seems like they happen frequently, so I'm wondering why they happen so often. Is it a disease, for a lack of a better word, with no real cure? Are the crashes like chronic migraines that come and go based on biological/psychological triggers? I'm not trying to attack, I'm legitimately curious..

It is and it isn't.

I mean, I've had a whole lot more days that are better and clear and free of crashing since I've been doing so, supplementing up the wazoo and also trying to figure out precisely which factor is off. Because thinking through, I realized it had been awhile since I've supplemented vitamin C (that one you want to be really careful with because you can overdo it and its not good when you do, so I only take it if I have to) I am now coming out of the crash. but it is only a sticking a thumb in the hole in the boat while there are six others leaking.

The problem is essentially the increased permeability in my GI tract caused by the gluten intolerance leading to both good nutrition leaking out instead of being absorbed, the Serotonin balance in my body (fun new fact, 90 percent of your body's Serotonin is apparently in your GI tract, not your brain) getting whacked because of it, causing my immune system to mistake even more good nutrition as bad invaders and actually kicking it out, as well as the Serotonin balance being affected also causing issues with my mental state and mood and pretty much everything in my body.

Another fun fact, my new specialist doctor doesn't even think I have ADD.

That because my Serotonin balance is off in my body, that my Dopamine can't work as well as it should, or like it should. So I have secondary ADD, probably, not primary.

As soon as we get the food allergy test results back, we either begin treatment if there are no other sensitivities, or we take two months of eliminating the offending food to heal before beginning treatment. But once we begin treatment, the permeability problem should reverse itself, and the Serotonin balance should restore.

No matter how they happen, whether it's purely biological or a combination of biology, psychology and inadequate prepping, you can't continue to use them as an excuse to keep picking at this scab. You assured me a few weeks ago after you sent an unanswered e-mail that you were OK, that his lack of response was what you needed to turn the page. But you are exactly where I was afraid you were going to go after that happened, spiraling back down into the abyss. And it sucks to see that...

It is not a matter of willpower. Of that I am convinced. And I was actually right, because I did, once my brain got back up to a usual level of functioning when I started being really conscious of nutrition, I had more healing that I had to do, and sending that was exactly what I needed to heal. This is far enough removed from that.

Our brains are tireless searchers out of causes for why we feel bad emotionally, and apparently our brains are also terrible little dualists. The mind is the mind, the body is the body and never the twain shall cause effects on the other. Even though, when I am suffering through the crashes I can intellectually say and know that I feel bad emotionally because of the crash, my brain is not convinced. My brain needs that extra reason and apparently my ex fits the bill.

I have tried every which way, and apparently a very few times for whatever reason, something else caught my brain, whatever my brain decides near the beginning of the crash seems to be the reason. During a crash a couple of months ago I spent it very depressed about the state of women in the church (I had been reading a book on the subject right before the crash. And once it settles on it, it is like I can't think about anything else even if I wanted to.

As far as the crashes, I'm not saying you are using them as an excuse and I completely believe the psychological element of them is genuine. But you need to work harder to repel the destructive urges when they happen. If anything, the worst time to check up on him is when you are crashing. If you are going to check up on him (which you shouldn't obviously) it's when you are replenished and fulfilled. For whatever reason, this guy does not want you in his life and you need to respect that. You aren't his mother, you aren't his care-taker, you aren't his anything. Use the energy you waste trying to figure out how to fix a man who doesn't want to be fixed and dedicate it to fixing yourself, to boosting yourself (not to mention that you should never ever try to "fix" someone, ultimate waste of time and energy). He doesn't need the boost -- you do. And even if he did need a boost, he wants it from other people. Instead of loving someone who doesn't want your love, love yourself. You are intelligent, you have things going on that are good, focus on those. You probably could stand to turn your brain off for a bit and stop overanalyzing things, but that's not going to happen, so start to analyze the things in YOUR LIFE, not his.

To be fair, I really didn't want to fix him. I didn't think I'd need to. I thought it would be more standing back and being with him while he fixed himself. So often, if I just let him talk, he'd come to clarity on what it is that he really wanted in and of himself. I thought of myself as being there more to cheer him on and encourage the beautiful human being I saw emerging.

Yes. After I realized the damage that could be done after googling him during a crash this time, I came to the conclusion that quick proactive googles before I crash would be a good thing to do.

If you have any ideas, because the usual redirection techniques don't work. Particularly because things normally like watching a different show, reading a book, playing an instrument all the things I love to do that serve as redirective strategies...when I'm crashing

I just don't have the cognitive or physical ability to do when I am crashing (thank God I figured out the vitamin C). My next bit of research is to try and figure out why vitamin C depletion leaves me feeling so particularly agitated, vulnerable, and unsafe, and how its restoral immediately above and beyond all the physical symptoms, makes me feel calm and secure).

If you have an ideas how I can get my cognitively impaired brain off of whatever subject be it ex or the plight of women in the church, I'm game. I'm down. Just tell me what they are.

My brain can breathe again. My ex is a consternating puzzle and it iis sad, but it is not a huge thing.

And I will be very gad when my doctor and I can start treatment and this phase of my life with constant nutritional crashes is over.

May 15, 2014

It wouldn't surprise me if there was a psychological trigger to them, where it almost becomes a self-fulfilling philosophy (a stray thought starts the crash, as the crash deepens so do the thoughts, so on and so forth). Like an avalanche, just rolling on top of each other, intermingling while both growing in size. Eventually it crashes at the base of the mountain and melts and all is good, but the next one is starting to build at the summit.

This last one was brought about by a long paper and an overnighter followed by a final in the morning. :-)

May 15, 2014

I don't wanna seem harsh Anya but I just don't get this whole "allergy this, intolerance that, food crashing this, vitamin deficiency that"....what the heck is going on here? I'm sorry but non of that has anything to do with holding onto the past and not letting go. I truly believe this because you could have someone who is laying on their death bed dying of cancer feeling absolutely horrendous physically yet they still know how to hold on the good feelings from the people who love them and they do their best to think positive(not everyone of course but my point is that if someone wants to think positive they can do it regardless of their circumstances). IMO its time to stop blaming your emotional "crashes" on food supplements or lack thereof. The problem you have is 100% with your mind and your mental attitude. You just wont let go but I'm sure you could if you really put your mind to it.

May 16, 2014

I guess I'm really not getting the whole "nutritional crash" thing. Is this something that can be dealt with proactively by taking supplements throughout the day even when you are crashing, like insulin with a diabetic? If so, do these crashes come from you forgetting/neglecting to take the supplements due to being busy/distracted/etc.? You talk about them a lot, and it seems like they happen frequently, so I'm wondering why they happen so often. Is it a disease, for a lack of a better word, with no real cure? Are the crashes like chronic migraines that come and go based on biological/psychological triggers? I'm not trying to attack, I'm legitimately curious.

No matter how they happen, whether it's purely biological or a combination of biology, psychology and inadequate prepping, you can't continue to use them as an excuse to keep picking at this scab. You assured me a few weeks ago after you sent an unanswered e-mail that you were OK, that his lack of response was what you needed to turn the page. But you are exactly where I was afraid you were going to go after that happened, spiraling back down into the abyss. And it sucks to see that.

As far as the crashes, I'm not saying you are using them as an excuse and I completely believe the psychological element of them is genuine. But you need to work harder to repel the destructive urges when they happen. If anything, the worst time to check up on him is when you are crashing. If you are going to check up on him (which you shouldn't obviously) it's when you are replenished and fulfilled. For whatever reason, this guy does not want you in his life and you need to respect that. You aren't his mother, you aren't his care-taker, you aren't his anything. Use the energy you waste trying to figure out how to fix a man who doesn't want to be fixed and dedicate it to fixing yourself, to boosting yourself (not to mention that you should never ever try to "fix" someone, ultimate waste of time and energy). He doesn't need the boost -- you do. And even if he did need a boost, he wants it from other people. Instead of loving someone who doesn't want your love, love yourself. You are intelligent, you have things going on that are good, focus on those. You probably could stand to turn your brain off for a bit and stop overanalyzing things, but that's not going to happen, so start to analyze the things in YOUR LIFE, not his.

Nice post. Straight to the point and you put it in a nice way so not to cause offense. I completely agree with you. Anya has to stop blaming everything on "crashes" and "vitamin deficiencies" etc and yes it does seem like an excuse. What she is going through is a matter of the heart but at the end of the day its purely psychological.

May 16, 2014

Nice post. Straight to the point and you put it in a nice way so not to cause offense. I completely agree with you. Anya has to stop blaming everything on "crashes" and "vitamin deficiencies" etc. What she is going through is a matter of the heart but at the end of the day its purely psychological.

Before I experienced it, I wouldn't have gotten it either.

After taking high dose vitamin C, I am sitting here in a rather good mood. Not crashing at the moment.

look, I know you have no frame of reference to understand. I realize that. But not everything always is a choice.

You wanna know the weirder part. Since this semester, I have been realizing that more than just the b12 is involved, even with all the crashes happening... I am discovering that even beginning to sort of keep a balance of nutrition by careful supplementation all the time...I'm noticing massive changes to my personality and total being. At the age of 36, I am discovering that I am a completely different person on better nutrition (not even enough yet) than I am without.

1) I'm not an introvert. I'm an ambivert.

2) I'm not a night person, I'm a morning person.

3) I'm not a couch potato like I thought I was for 35 years, but an active person who loves physical activity.

4) I'm really not very shy at all. Certainly not the crippling shyness that was a part of my natural being before about four weeks into the semester until I got those results back and knew that there were other nutritional pillars going out.

5) Even though its not my preferred communication, I can easily do small talk if the situation requires.

6) I am remarkably proactive and efficient at solving problems with enough nutrition.

7) I am rather gifted at taking rude responses from people who have no respect for me, and by simply always acting with respect coming from a place of high-self confidence and worth, changing it quickly into respect and really, I guess using Satyagraha to completely turn around interactions with the remarkably few people in my life who I have difficulty getting along with), most people who truly know me realize quickly that I'm remarkably easy to get along with.

8) instead of being a passive doormat, I am incredibly able to be healthfully and always politely assertive when necessary.

These are just a few.

I know how deeply offensive the idea is to some, that there are things we cannot control. That sometimes the way we feel or think might not be under our control. I really do not like how many times I have felt something (like what I was feeling earlier today) and really wanted it to be what I felt, by my choice, because I wanted to feel it and not because some damn vitamin/electrolyte/chemical imbalance in my head was telling me to) and turned out that an underlying lack of magnesium, or sodium, or b12, or protein, or vitamin C was really causing me to feel that way and to ascribe whatever reason to the feeling.

I'm not big on it either.

but just because you do not understand it, does not mean that it is not a part of reality.

You can look at me and tell me that it is a choice til your blue in the face and as long as my nutrition is up you are right, it is a choice, and I make the choice to have moved on and dealt with it and realized that I can't make him choose to be healthy, to be that strong and confident and beautiful soul that he only showed to me at the time.

I make that choice, and with enough nutrition in my head, am making it right now as we speak.

But when my nutrition crashes, it isn't a choice anymore. And I can't explain it. And yes, I agree, and know that as long as certain factors align, many cancer patients do indeed despite the grief and loss over the life they are losing, still maintain a sense of well-being and positivity even as they are dying and know they are doing so.

As I said to Simon, my brain seems to cast about for a reason it feels bad and latch on to the first thing it finds (not a conscious process) and I cannot utilize all of my usual redirection strategies because I lack the physical and cognitive ability when nutritionally crashing to do so...

But if you can think of any strategies to cause my brain to latch onto any other reason why it feels bad, PLEASE. Tell me! I'm all ears. I'd love to try them.

Because it really isn't fair to sit back and tell me that I should do something different, when I'm trying every strategy at my disposal and failing, without suggesting alternate possibilities.

You think it is strange and frustrating to witness and read about online.

Imagine experiencing it first hand.

However, if you think that I am simply a weak-willed wallflower with no boundaries who simply falls into tearful stupors at the drop of a hat for no reason, than you certainly and really do not know me at all.

May 16, 2014

Before I experienced it, I wouldn't have gotten it either.

After taking high dose vitamin C, I am sitting here in a rather good mood. Not crashing at the moment.

look, I know you have no frame of reference to understand. I realize that. But not everything always is a choice.

You wanna know the weirder part. Since this semester, I have been realizing that more than just the b12 is involved, even with all the crashes happening... I am discovering that even beginning to sort of keep a balance of nutrition by careful supplementation all the time...I'm noticing massive changes to my personality and total being. At the age of 36, I am discovering that I am a completely different person on better nutrition (not even enough yet) than I am without.

1) I'm not an introvert. I'm an ambivert.
2) I'm not a night person, I'm a morning person.
3) I'm not a couch potato like I thought I was for 35 years, but an active person who loves physical activity.
4) I'm really not very shy at all. Certainly not the crippling shyness that was a part of my natural being before about four weeks into the semester until I got those results back and knew that there were other nutritional pillars going out.
5) Even though its not my preferred communication, I can easily do small talk if the situation requires.
6) I am remarkably proactive and efficient at solving problems with enough nutrition.
7) I am rather gifted at taking rude responses from people who have no respect for me, and by simply always acting with respect coming from a place of high-self confidence and worth, changing it quickly into respect and really, I guess using Satyagraha to completely turn around interactions with the remarkably few people in my life who I have difficulty getting along with), most people who truly know me realize quickly that I'm remarkably easy to get along with.
8) instead of being a passive doormat, I am incredibly able to be healthfully and always politely assertive when necessary.

These are just a few.

I know how deeply offensive the idea is to some, that there are things we cannot control. That sometimes the way we feel or think might not be under our control. I really do not like how many times I have felt something (like what I was feeling earlier today) and really wanted it to be what I felt, by my choice, because I wanted to feel it and not because some damn vitamin/electrolyte/chemical imbalance in my head was telling me to) and turned out that an underlying lack of magnesium, or sodium, or b12, or protein, or vitamin C was really causing me to feel that way and to ascribe whatever reason to the feeling.

I'm not big on it either.

but just because you do not understand it, does not mean that it is not a part of reality.

You can look at me and tell me that it is a choice til your blue in the face and as long as my nutrition is up you are right, it is a choice, and I make the choice to have moved on and dealt with it and realized that I can't make him choose to be healthy, to be that strong and confident and beautiful soul that he only showed to me at the time.

I make that choice, and with enough nutrition in my head, am making it right now as we speak.

But when my nutrition crashes, it isn't a choice anymore. And I can't explain it. And yes, I agree, and know that as long as certain factors align, many cancer patients do indeed despite the grief and loss over the life they are losing, still maintain a sense of well-being and positivity even as they are dying and know they are doing so.

As I said to Simon, my brain seems to cast about for a reason it feels bad and latch on to the first thing it finds (not a conscious process) and I cannot utilize all of my usual redirection strategies because I lack the physical and cognitive ability when nutritionally crashing to do so...

But if you can think of any strategies to cause my brain to latch onto any other reason why it feels bad, PLEASE. Tell me! I'm all ears. I'd love to try them.

Because it really isn't fair to sit back and tell me that I should do something different, when I'm trying every strategy at my disposal and failing, without suggesting alternate possibilities.

You think it is strange and frustrating to witness and read about online.

Imagine experiencing it first hand.

However, if you think that I am simply a weak-willed wallflower with no boundaries who simply falls into tearful stupors at the drop of a hat for no reason, than you certainly and really do not know me at all.

The thing is though that its an absolute fact that your body and the way your body reacts to certain things with "crashes" has zero to do with your ex. Your ex did not magically cast a spell over you did he? No he didn't.

Right I get it.....you have crashes and they turn you into a very weak person emotionally and you find it impossible to stop feeling weak. That being said if you never even met your ex you would be wallowing in sadness about something else during crashes that is entirely unrelated to him. You are using your "crashes" as an excuse to constantly obsess about him. Its time to change the tune, turn the page or whatever other cliché you want to use. I cant believe you emailed him and I cant believe you are obsessing about where he lives.......you are just digging a hole for yourself. Zero contact in any way shape or form is the only way for you to heal.

Edited May 16, 2014 by L1ght

May 16, 2014

The thing is though that its an absolute fact that your body and the way your body reacts to certain things with "crashes" has zero to do with your ex. Your ex did not magically cast a spell over you did he? No he didn't.
Right I get it.....you have crashes and they turn you into a very weak person emotionally and you find it impossible to stop feeling weak. That being said if you never even met your ex you would be wallowing in sadness about something else during crashes that is entirely unrelated to him. You are using your "crashes" as an excuse to constantly obsess about him. Its time to change the tune, turn the page or whatever other cliché you want to use. I cant believe you emailed him and I cant believe you are obsessing about where he lives.......you are just digging a hole for yourself. Zero contact in any way shape or form is the only way for you to heal.

I can tell exactly that my brain would be latching on to the death of my friend at her boyfriend's before he killed himself and removed from us all hope of justice or anything.

But that still proves my point. Because before I met my ex hat was the reason my brain latched onto. Again not by choice.

Repeating that I have a choice without presenting any options, strategies, or ways when I am cognitively and emotionally impaired to actually do so, to actually engage a choice is neither helpful or effective.

Tell me something hat I can actually do or utilize.

Tell me something worthwhile because I am all ears. But right now when I

Doing everything in my power to try and not get hyper focused on my ex and it is not working the only thing that repeating over and over that I actually have a choice and somehow should magically be as to engage it is doing, is frankly ease understand I mean no disrespect of you, but when you without knowing me, treat me as it I'm just being weak willed when you don't know me at all or the incredible amounts of strength I r had to engage to get through everything I have experienced in my life...

It feels very much like disrespect to me when you keep insisting that I have a choice without presenting me with any strategies or actions I can take to engage that choice when I am crashing.

May 16, 2014

I can tell exactly that my brain would be latching on to the death of my friend at her boyfriend's before he killed himself and removed from us all hope of justice or anything.

But that still proves my point. Because before I met my ex hat was the reason my brain latched onto. Again not by choice.

Repeating that I have a choice without presenting any options, strategies, or ways when I am cognitively and emotionally impaired to actually do so, to actually engage a choice is neither helpful or effective.

Tell me something hat I can actually do or utilize.

Tell me something worthwhile because I am all ears. But right now when I
Doing everything in my power to try and not get hyper focused on my ex and it is not working the only thing that repeating over and over that I actually have a choice and somehow should magically be as to engage it is doing, is frankly ease understand I mean no disrespect of you, but when you without knowing me, treat me as it I'm just being weak willed when you don't know me at all or the incredible amounts of strength I r had to engage to get through everything I have experienced in my life...

It feels very much like disrespect to me when you keep insisting that I have a choice without presenting me with any strategies or actions I can take to engage that choice when I am crashing.

Actually do or utilize......yeah I know what you could do. Imagine that you are in a life or death situation and your life totally depended on whether you could push thoughts of your ex out of your mind or not. Do you think you could do it? I bet you could. Imagine I'm stood right in front of you now with a pack of vicious dogs, snarling and growling with drool coming out of the side of their mouths in anticipation to bite your face off and the only way I wont set them on you is if you think about something else other than your ex in that moment in time.....lol go on! Imagine it! I bet you would erase thoughts of your ex out of your mind in a heartbeat because all you would be able to focus on is your own survival....so do it. Make it about survival and make it about winning.

It is interesting though how you are asking me to come up with solutions for you when in reality the only person who can help you is yourself. Don't blame me if you are not strong enough to let go....that is entirely on you and has absolutely nothing to do with me.

May 16, 2014

The thing is though that its an absolute fact that your body and the way your body reacts to certain things with "crashes" has zero to do with your ex. Your ex did not magically cast a spell over you did he? No he didn't.
Right I get it.....you have crashes and they turn you into a very weak person emotionally and you find it impossible to stop feeling weak. That being said if you never even met your ex you would be wallowing in sadness about something else during crashes that is entirely unrelated to him. You are using your "crashes" as an excuse to constantly obsess about him. Its time to change the tune, turn the page or whatever other cliché you want to use. I cant believe you emailed him and I cant believe you are obsessing about where he lives.......you are just digging a hole for yourself. Zero contact in any way shape or form is the only way for you to heal.

This is what I was getting at. Anya, I believe wholeheartedly that you are telling the truth about the nutrition crashes and the mood swings and deflating thoughts. However, you lived 30-plus years of your life without focusing these negative, ruminating thoughts on the same subject over and over. But you are focusing on this subject (your ex) primarily during your crashes.

The crashes aren't the problem when it comes to thinking about your ex. It's the ruminating about him when you aren't crashing that contributes to your self-destructive behavior when you are crashing. Sending that e-mail (which wasn't in a crash) was absolutely counterproductive no matter how much you want to spin the narrative otherwise. If it was productive, then you would have moved on with no regrets and you'd be sad about something else during your crashes. You wouldn't be googling his name, you wouldn't be messaging his Facebook, you wouldn't be doing any of it. It's your non-crash thought process that is making you your own worst enemy during crashes.

You also overthink. Way overthink. There's nothing wrong with being a thinker per se, but one of the problems of being a thinker is that if you do enough mental gymnastics, you can convince yourself of a) complicated things that are out of your control are contributing to your weakness and you can't fight it or b) that every action or thought that you make is completely unique and not part of a bigger pattern because if you think hard enough, you can find enough variation in every action and reaction to justify it as "one-time event". I think you are guilty of both of these things. It's clear that your thought process, and lack of steady progress, is part of a larger pattern, a pattern that you completely throw at the feet of your nutritional crashes.

I'm an overthinker, so I know what you are going through in that respect. But eventually, you have to stop ruminating about the process and take things at face value. He doesn't talk to you because he doesn't want to. The reason doesn't matter. He broke up with you because he didn't see a future with you. The reason doesn't matter. He moved from one place to another. The reason doesn't matter.

As for "how" to do it, you just have to go "cold turkey", both when crashing and not crashing. For now, you have to start with when nutritionally fulfilled. Stop googling his name, that's not No Contact. Stop talking to him on Facebook. Stop e-mailing him. There is zero tolerance right now for any of that -- you aren't in the state where you can handle any of it. Because while you think you might be OK when properly nutritioned, all the demons come out when your nutrition is out of whack. Right now you're the alcoholic who thinks they can have a beer after work. Maybe occasionally you can and not turn into a binge-drinking drunken fool, but even when you make it through unscathed, you are giving fuel to the demon inside. And that demon will eventually come out and make itself known.

It is hard? Yes, very hard. Will you be immediately successful during a crash? Probably not. You'll definitely ruminate, you'll definitely want that metaphorical beer, you'll think about that beer and you'll feel like crap doing that. But if you set hard boundaries (I will not google, I will not e-mail, I will not facebook) and stick to them no matter what -- even if you have to put post-it notes on your phone and computer telling you not to cave -- the thoughts will become less severe. And eventually, you'll ruminate about something else. It's a process, but every time you cheat that process by sending e-mails and googling, you retard that process. A day making no progress is better than a day where you backslide. Stop backsliding.

May 16, 2014

This is what I was getting at. Anya, I believe wholeheartedly that you are telling the truth about the nutrition crashes and the mood swings and deflating thoughts. However, you lived 30-plus years of your life without focusing these negative, ruminating thoughts on the same subject over and over. But you are focusing on this subject (your ex) primarily during your crashes.

The crashes aren't the problem when it comes to thinking about your ex. It's the ruminating about him when you aren't crashing that contributes to your self-destructive behavior when you are crashing. Sending that e-mail (which wasn't in a crash) was absolutely counterproductive no matter how much you want to spin the narrative otherwise. If it was productive, then you would have moved on with no regrets and you'd be sad about something else during your crashes. You wouldn't be googling his name, you wouldn't be messaging his Facebook, you wouldn't be doing any of it. It's your non-crash thought process that is making you your own worst enemy during crashes.

You also overthink. Way overthink. There's nothing wrong with being a thinker per se, but one of the problems of being a thinker is that if you do enough mental gymnastics, you can convince yourself of a) complicated things that are out of your control are contributing to your weakness and you can't fight it or b) that every action or thought that you make is completely unique and not part of a bigger pattern because if you think hard enough, you can find enough variation in every action and reaction to justify it as "one-time event". I think you are guilty of both of these things. It's clear that your thought process, and lack of steady progress, is part of a larger pattern, a pattern that you completely throw at the feet of your nutritional crashes.

I'm an overthinker, so I know what you are going through in that respect. But eventually, you have to stop ruminating about the process and take things at face value. He doesn't talk to you because he doesn't want to. The reason doesn't matter. He broke up with you because he didn't see a future with you. The reason doesn't matter. He moved from one place to another. The reason doesn't matter.

As for "how" to do it, you just have to go "cold turkey", both when crashing and not crashing. For now, you have to start with when nutritionally fulfilled. Stop googling his name, that's not No Contact. Stop talking to him on Facebook. Stop e-mailing him. There is zero tolerance right now for any of that -- you aren't in the state where you can handle any of it. Because while you think you might be OK when properly nutritioned, all the demons come out when your nutrition is out of whack. Right now you're the alcoholic who thinks they can have a beer after work. Maybe occasionally you can and not turn into a binge-drinking drunken fool, but even when you make it through unscathed, you are giving fuel to the demon inside. And that demon will eventually come out and make itself known.

It is hard? Yes, very hard. Will you be immediately successful during a crash? Probably not. You'll definitely ruminate, you'll definitely want that metaphorical beer, you'll think about that beer and you'll feel like crap doing that. But if you set hard boundaries (I will not google, I will not e-mail, I will not facebook) and stick to them no matter what -- even if you have to put post-it notes on your phone and computer telling you not to cave -- the thoughts will become less severe. And eventually, you'll ruminate about something else. It's a process, but every time you cheat that process by sending e-mails and googling, you retard that process. A day making no progress is better than a day where you backslide. Stop backsliding.

excellent post. Very good advice for Anya.

May 16, 2014

No.

I am sorry.

Neither of you get it at all.

I posed the question about ACTUAL strategies and things that I could employ while crashing that could work to my father, and thankfully, him being a highly rational person who could understand what I meant when I clearly specified that the usual redirection strategies that I can employ when not nutritionally crashing simply DO NOT WORK when I am, he actually had something that I could ACTUALLY DO while crashing.

He suggested working to find a video game that was pitched highly enough to engage my mind, but not so cognitively high that it is beyond my cognitive capacities. A game that could truly draw me in and demand enough activity to redirect my brain when I am incapable of redirecting it myself.

That is something that I can ACTUALLY do. That is something that is useful and efficient.

Repeatedly telling me to do something (I mean, let's break it down, essentially you are telling me repeatedly to engage in cognitive redirection, when I have repeatedly told you that I am in that state incapable of doing so. And no amount of wishing, hoping, or trying on my part over all these months has made it so.

To be able to cognitively redirect one's thoughts by choice, one requires a certain level of cognitive ability that clearly is above my cognitive abilities when I am crashing.

Please, if you are going to make suggestions, make them useful and actually usable by me.

Look, I know you really really want their to be no bio on the biopsychosocial model because it means that someday you too, could find yourself at the mercy of the bio and that means that you lose a little of the comfortable control you think you have over everything.

But there is a reason that it is not the psychosocial model, but the biopsychosocial model.

May 16, 2014

No.

I am sorry.

Neither of you get it at all.

I posed the question about ACTUAL strategies and things that I could employ while crashing that could work to my father, and thankfully, him being a highly rational person who could understand what I meant when I clearly specified that the usual redirection strategies that I can employ when not nutritionally crashing simply DO NOT WORK when I am, he actually had something that I could ACTUALLY DO while crashing.

He suggested working to find a video game that was pitched highly enough to engage my mind, but not so cognitively high that it is beyond my cognitive capacities. A game that could truly draw me in and demand enough activity to redirect my brain when I am incapable of redirecting it myself.

That is something that I can ACTUALLY do. That is something that is useful and efficient.

Repeatedly telling me to do something (I mean, let's break it down, essentially you are telling me repeatedly to engage in cognitive redirection, when I have repeatedly told you that I am in that state incapable of doing so. And no amount of wishing, hoping, or trying on my part over all these months has made it so.

To be able to cognitively redirect one's thoughts by choice, one requires a certain level of cognitive ability that clearly is above my cognitive abilities when I am crashing.

Please, if you are going to make suggestions, make them useful and actually usable by me.

Look, I know you really really want their to be no bio on the biopsychosocial model because it means that someday you too, could find yourself at the mercy of the bio and that means that you lose a little of the comfortable control you think you have over everything.

But there is a reason that it is not the psychosocial model, but the biopsychosocial model.

I don't want anything besides you getting over this hump. No need to get all angry and pissy about people trying to help. If we were psychiatrist we'd be working at an office with a doctorate, not giving advise on a free website devoted to relationships. So I apologize that I don't have my doctorate.

That being said, here are some activities you can clog your mind with:

1) Write a short story

2) Write a book

3) Rearrange your house/apartment

4) Build some sort of contraption

5) Go for a run

6) Play a sport

7) If you're musical, write or sing a song

8) If you aren't musical and you want to be musical, learn how to play an instrument

9) Hike in the woods, go for a journey on a nature trail

10) Ride your bike somewhere new

11) Take a trip to a place you've never been before

12) Get mad at people on the internet

etc. I mean, you can't get mad at us for wanting to help you. Yes, there are bio reasons, and you can't control that without supplements/medicine. We realize that's a complication. But you have to control what you can control. But biopsychosocial isn't just bio, it isn't just psycho, it isn't just social. You have to address what you can address. You don't have Alzheimer's, you aren't completely helpless and incapable. Hell, use the energy you are using to defend your helplessness and channel it into something constructive. You have fire, you just need to direct it into something constructive.

May 16, 2014

No.

I am sorry.

Neither of you get it at all.

I posed the question about ACTUAL strategies and things that I could employ while crashing that could work to my father, and thankfully, him being a highly rational person who could understand what I meant when I clearly specified that the usual redirection strategies that I can employ when not nutritionally crashing simply DO NOT WORK when I am, he actually had something that I could ACTUALLY DO while crashing.

He suggested working to find a video game that was pitched highly enough to engage my mind, but not so cognitively high that it is beyond my cognitive capacities. A game that could truly draw me in and demand enough activity to redirect my brain when I am incapable of redirecting it myself.

That is something that I can ACTUALLY do. That is something that is useful and efficient.

Repeatedly telling me to do something (I mean, let's break it down, essentially you are telling me repeatedly to engage in cognitive redirection, when I have repeatedly told you that I am in that state incapable of doing so. And no amount of wishing, hoping, or trying on my part over all these months has made it so.

To be able to cognitively redirect one's thoughts by choice, one requires a certain level of cognitive ability that clearly is above my cognitive abilities when I am crashing.

Please, if you are going to make suggestions, make them useful and actually usable by me.

Look, I know you really really want their to be no bio on the biopsychosocial model because it means that someday you too, could find yourself at the mercy of the bio and that means that you lose a little of the comfortable control you think you have over everything.

But there is a reason that it is not the psychosocial model, but the biopsychosocial model.

You are forgetting one very important thing here Anya. We are actually trying to help you and even though you are a stranger on the internet most of us who have read your posts for a while now have actually grown to care.

I feel like continuing to make efforts to help you is probably bordering on the counter-productive side now.

Good luck. I'm sure you will figure things out eventually.

May 16, 2014

You are forgetting one very important thing here Anya. We are actually trying to help you and even though you are a stranger on the internet most of us who have read your posts for a while now have actually grown to care.
I feel like continuing to make efforts to help you is probably bordering on the counter-productive side now.
Good luck. I'm sure you will figure things out eventually.

And you are forgetting that I'm NOT resisting help.

I am actually asking for help that I can use. I become highly cognitively impaired while nutritionally crashing.

So what I am asking for, are very concrete and specific steps I can take while crashing. Because self-CBT (essentially what you are suggesting) is something that is beyond my cognitive abilities when I am crashing.

What you are not hearing, no matter how much I say it, is that what I think about and do when not crashing is so far removed from what I can think about and do when nutritionally crashing as to be in an entirely different galaxy, if not universe. One literally has next to no affect on the other, save perhaps a very few minutes before or really I think more, on the way down.

What I need when I am crashing are concrete steps that I can actually take and hold in my mind when the basic components that build your ability to think are not there.

You could think I'm just being belligerent, or you could consider that the field I am studying requires a great deal of knowledge of the brain, it's function, and cognitive skills and abilities, and that perhaps I actually am a highly astute observer, and that maybe the capabilities I am reporting having or not having within and without a crash are that capabilities that I truly have or don't have.

Please. Offer help. Offer help that I could use because while I wait for my doctor to begin treatment I am at my wit's end with this. But do not, please, offend every ounce of my being by continuing to suggest that what I am experiencing is nothing more than a failure of will.

Please, give me concrete steps I can hold in my mind while I am crashing and actually use. I will embrace them and try every one of them multiple times to ensure that they work.

May 16, 2014

I don't want anything besides you getting over this hump. No need to get all angry and pissy about people trying to help. If we were psychiatrist we'd be working at an office with a doctorate, not giving advise on a free website devoted to relationships. So I apologize that I don't have my doctorate.

That being said, here are some activities you can clog your mind with:

1) Write a short story
2) Write a book
3) Rearrange your house/apartment
4) Build some sort of contraption
5) Go for a run
6) Play a sport
7) If you're musical, write or sing a song
8) If you aren't musical and you want to be musical, learn how to play an instrument
9) Hike in the woods, go for a journey on a nature trail
10) Ride your bike somewhere new
11) Take a trip to a place you've never been before
12) Get mad at people on the internet

etc. I mean, you can't get mad at us for wanting to help you. Yes, there are bio reasons, and you can't control that without supplements/medicine. We realize that's a complication. But you have to control what you can control. But biopsychosocial isn't just bio, it isn't just psycho, it isn't just social. You have to address what you can address. You don't have Alzheimer's, you aren't completely helpless and incapable. Hell, use the energy you are using to defend your helplessness and channel it into something constructive. You have fire, you just need to direct it into something constructive.

Okay this list is a start of the kind of thing I am looking for. So to help give an idea where my cognitive skills are at and what I am capable of, i'm going to go down the list here, where I say something isn't possible, its not to just randomly shoot down ideas, but to give you an idea where I am at because you very well with a more complex view of my capabilities, might come up with some strategies and ideas that I have not thought of.

1) Write a short story--this is way beyond my capacity when nutritionally crashing. However, I have noticed that when crashing, though usually writing requires more cognitive flexibility than I am usually capable of when crashing, sometimes in my efforts to try and figure out how to express what I'm trying to express when my linguistic capabilities go out the window and I can't remember basic words and concepts, sometimes I come up with some really colorful words and images to express. Though I could not write anything like a good! poem while crashing, I could come up with some good images for one to write later.

2) Definitely way beyond my cognitive ability.

3) Usually because electrolytes are involved and my muscles are screaming at this point when I am crashing, this has two effects, one-not being really possible, and 2, prolonging the nutritional crash by depleting me even more.

4) This one is INTERESTING! Might be beyond my cognitive abilities, but one thing I pride myself on, is being able to, in the absence of a needed tool, confabulate one to fill the necessary task at hand. Perhaps, though I would need to find much simpler problems to solve in building something, perhaps. Let me think about this one.

5) Sadly, same as 3.

6) Same as 3 and 5.

7) Sometimes this works and I do as my discipline also involves music. But, many times the muscular problems get in the way, particularly for my first love, piano. I'll try as I begin to make friends with my ukulele (or at least try) seeing if the smaller instrument mitigates that, and come to think of it, there is always recorder.

8) Learning something new is definitely beyond my cognitive ken while crashing.

9 and 10) same as 3,5, and all the other physically based.

11) Not a good idea. When sometimes you have to stare at your car's ignition while crashing to remember again how to actually start the car to be able to drive it, going somewhere new is a really bad idea. :-)

12) Surprisingly, actually possibly effective, though not particularly any more enjoyable than thinking about the ex.

but THANK YOU! for giving me some stuff that I could begin to work with, and making rational and concrete suggestions (non-crashing, I love abstract, but abstract and me don't do well together when I'm crashing!).

May 16, 2014

And you are forgetting that I'm NOT resisting help.

I am actually asking for help that I can use. I become highly cognitively impaired while nutritionally crashing.

So what I am asking for, are very concrete and specific steps I can take while crashing. Because self-CBT (essentially what you are suggesting) is something that is beyond my cognitive abilities when I am crashing.

What you are not hearing, no matter how much I say it, is that what I think about and do when not crashing is so far removed from what I can think about and do when nutritionally crashing as to be in an entirely different galaxy, if not universe. One literally has next to no affect on the other, save perhaps a very few minutes before or really I think more, on the way down.

What I need when I am crashing are concrete steps that I can actually take and hold in my mind when the basic components that build your ability to think are not there.

You could think I'm just being belligerent, or you could consider that the field I am studying requires a great deal of knowledge of the brain, it's function, and cognitive skills and abilities, and that perhaps I actually am a highly astute observer, and that maybe the capabilities I am reporting having or not having within and without a crash are that capabilities that I truly have or don't have.

Please. Offer help. Offer help that I could use because while I wait for my doctor to begin treatment I am at my wit's end with this. But do not, please, offend every ounce of my being by continuing to suggest that what I am experiencing is nothing more than a failure of will.

Please, give me concrete steps I can hold in my mind while I am crashing and actually use. I will embrace them and try every one of them multiple times to ensure that they work.

Simon has the right idea with making a list. Why not create a check list for yourself that consists of productive things that you can and will do while crashing. Basically anything that has nothing to do with your ex, anything that is productive for you, anything you are passionate about, anything that wont cause you too much stress, anything that brings you comfort and brings a balance to your mind.

May 16, 2014

I mean, you're going to think about your ex. It's going to happen. The goal is to prevent yourself from going to the next step and acting on it (which is what googling, e-mailing, facebooking is). Rome wasn't built in a day, and you won't be able to turn off your brain to your ex in a day, or a week, or a month. The thoughts are going to come, and that's not the end of the world. It's when you act on the thoughts is where s--t goes to hell, and what I'm commenting on.

I do have a bit of experience with biopsychology and I do realize that there are physical causes for your mood swings. The key is to build the foundation when you aren't crashing and try to concoct ways to cope to prevent the crash from being a crash on multiple levels. The suggestions I made were not nearly the only options -- writing a book can turn into drawing a cartoon, even if that cartoon is made up of stick figures. You can buy a Rubik's Cube and try to master that. Hell, you can balance your checkbook.

No one is expecting you to just snap your fingers and poof, he's gone. But little steps can, and need to, be taken.

May 16, 2014

Simon has the right idea with making a list. Why not create a check list for yourself that consists of productive things that you can and will do while crashing. Basically anything that has nothing to do with your ex, anything that is productive for you, anything you are passionate about, anything that wont cause you too much stress, anything that brings you comfort and brings a balance to your mind.

Yes and I responded to it.

I'm trying to but given the extreme effects on my cognitive and physical skills, it is not an easy list to make at all. Many if not most of my usual activities are out.

May 16, 2014

I mean, you're going to think about your ex. It's going to happen. The goal is to prevent yourself from going to the next step and acting on it (which is what googling, e-mailing, facebooking is). Rome wasn't built in a day, and you won't be able to turn off your brain to your ex in a day, or a week, or a month. The thoughts are going to come, and that's not the end of the world. It's when you act on the thoughts is where s--t goes to hell, and what I'm commenting on.

I do have a bit of experience with biopsychology and I do realize that there are physical causes for your mood swings. The key is to build the foundation when you aren't crashing and try to concoct ways to cope to prevent the crash from being a crash on multiple levels. The suggestions I made were not nearly the only options -- writing a book can turn into drawing a cartoon, even if that cartoon is made up of stick figures. You can buy a Rubik's Cube and try to master that. Hell, you can balance your checkbook.

No one is expecting you to just snap your fingers and poof, he's gone. But little steps can, and need to, be taken.

Unfortunately in the pos flurry, I missed your list for awhile. I hope you saw my response Se because that is the thing I'm looking for.

Suggestions of things I can do that will in and of themselves cause the cognitive redirection that I am not capable of myself, that are within my limited physical and cognitive abilities while crashing.

Stick figure cartoons.

I should try that! :-)

May 16, 2014

Yes and I responded to it.

I'm trying to but given the extreme effects on my cognitive and physical skills, it is not an easy list to make at all. Many if not most of my usual activities are out.

Pink Floyd and Marijuana.

There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

When I was a child I had a fever

My hands felt just like two balloons.

Now I've got that feeling once again

I can't explain you would not understand

This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb......(clue amazing guitar solo)

deep breaths....hopefully cognitive and physical skills come back to you.

May 16, 2014

Anya, I'm trying to understand your ability to function during crashes. You write the same types of posts on LS during your crashes as when you are not crashing. You write very well, so I am confused as to how a crash could affect your cognition to the point of being unable to redirect your thoughts.

I'm not a psychologist, but I don't see how simply redirecting ones thoughts could be on that high of a level of thinking. I found that redirecting thoughts was one of the simplest things to do when I found myself constantly analyzing my breakup.

May 16, 2014

Anya, I'm trying to understand your ability to function during crashes. You write the same types of posts on LS during your crashes as when you are not crashing. You write very well, so I am confused as to how a crash could affect your cognition to the point of being unable to redirect your thoughts.

I'm not a psychologist, but I don't see how simply redirecting ones thoughts could be on that high of a level of thinking. I found that redirecting thoughts was one of the simplest things to do when I found myself constantly analyzing my breakup.

Interesting point. I don't see any diminishing effects on Anya's ability to write and express herself when she crashes......in fact her posts are probably longer and more expressive when she is crashing. Funny that.

May 16, 2014

Yeah I think I'm gonna have to draw a hard line on this. Of course this is just my opinion and what I personally believe. I really don't think you are trying hard enough Anya despite everything you have said about cognitive this, physical ability that, food intolerance this, vitamin deficiency blah blah blah. I tried giving it a shot yesterday even though I never believed any of it.

I mean since when do all those things you described cause a person to obsessively fixate about a human being(said human being the person who you call your ex who isn't even a part of your life anymore)? and why do any of us have to come up with list of positive things for you to do to take your mind of him only for you to pretty much turn around and say that 99% of those things are no good because you wont be cognitively or physically capable. Aren't you doing a degree or something? How the hell are you managing to do the work required to pass your degree if you become as lame as you claim to become during crashes? You are not being totally honest because if you were then you would have failed miserably at your degree already and you wouldn't be able to express yourself here in these forums when you crash.

Honestly.....change the damn tune already. Your ex has nothing to do with your crashes. Its total nonsense to say that such things force you to think about a human being....since when did that become a verified medial thing? A medical condition that takes over the brain and forces you to fixate on your ex? That's basically what you are saying. Its bullsh*t. No more excuses. If you wanna leave him behind then for god sake just stop thinking about him.....ok?

Sounds like a solid plan to me.

Hope you snap out of it sooner rather than later.

That's all I have to say and that is the end of my contribution to this particular situation.

Good luck.

Edited May 16, 2014 by L1ght

Sign In

Post here instead of contacting your ex!

Recommended Posts

BC1980

Simon Phoenix

AnyaNova

AnyaNova

L1ght

L1ght

AnyaNova

L1ght

AnyaNova

L1ght

Simon Phoenix

L1ght

AnyaNova

Simon Phoenix

L1ght

AnyaNova

AnyaNova

L1ght

Simon Phoenix

AnyaNova

AnyaNova

L1ght

BC1980

L1ght

L1ght

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...