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Post here instead of contacting your ex!

polywog

By polywog
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sooshi Established Member

sooshi

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry for hurting you. :(

AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted

Now I'm confused.

 

Actually, it said 5/1/13. The date that you bought your home. It wasn't just sold.

 

But the other thing says specifically that you used to live in your town and don't anymore. Are you Leasing it out to someone?

 

And now I really want to know if you're there or not or where. But the last thing I could do is drive up to your town to see if you're there.

 

How did this whole thing go so weirdly wrong. Two people that got on so well should at least be able to be friends and I have no idea what the frak's up and when my brain has enough nutritional fuel I've gotten to the acceptance stage of this whole damn thing but when it doesn't...

 

You told me that you felt like you were only really YOU around me.

 

I would have given anything to be there while you grew comfortable enough with yourself to show everyone yourself.

 

And I fear that you have gone home to the same town as your parents means that you have decided to stay in hiding. That the fears of the child inside you overwhelmed you.

 

That the man I saw has given up.

 

That the man I loved has.

 

I am hoping that the website is wrong, that you really still live in your condo in your city.

L1ght Established Member

L1ght

Posted
Posted
Now I'm confused.

 

Actually, it said 5/1/13. The date that you bought your home. It wasn't just sold.

 

But the other thing says specifically that you used to live in your town and don't anymore. Are you Leasing it out to someone?

 

And now I really want to know if you're there or not or where. But the last thing I could do is drive up to your town to see if you're there.

 

How did this whole thing go so weirdly wrong. Two people that got on so well should at least be able to be friends and I have no idea what the frak's up and when my brain has enough nutritional fuel I've gotten to the acceptance stage of this whole damn thing but when it doesn't...

 

You told me that you felt like you were only really YOU around me.

 

I would have given anything to be there while you grew comfortable enough with yourself to show everyone yourself.

 

And I fear that you have gone home to the same town as your parents means that you have decided to stay in hiding. That the fears of the child inside you overwhelmed you.

 

That the man I saw has given up.

 

That the man I loved has.

 

I am hoping that the website is wrong, that you really still live in your condo in your city.

Let it go Anya.

  • Like 1
AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted
Let it go Anya.

 

It is such a stupid train wreck. I'm trying to.

L1ght Established Member

L1ght

Posted
Posted (edited)
It is such a stupid train wreck. I'm trying to.

A train wreck is about right...or a shattered mirror on the floor. The temptation to salvage something from the train wreck or pick up the broken pieces wont leave you until you turn your back and walk away. There is nothing left to salvage from the wreckage and the broken pieces on the floor can not be fixed.

Edited by L1ght
  • Like 2
AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted
A train wreck is about right...or a shattered mirror on the floor. The temptation to salvage something from the train wreck or pick up the broken pieces wont leave you until you turn your back and walk away. There is nothing left to salvage from the wreckage and the broken pieces on the floor can not be fixed.

 

He went back to be with people that he himself expressed he couldn't truly be himself around.

 

How do I get over the feeling that some of those broken pieces on the floor are him?

Kansas87 Established Member

Kansas87

Posted
Posted
He went back to be with people that he himself expressed he couldn't truly be himself around.

 

How do I get over the feeling that some of those broken pieces on the floor are him?

 

By remembering that he CHOSE this. He WANTED this. It was HIS doing. He will regret it, most likely, for a long time.

 

You shouldn't. He proved, through his actions, that he isn't worthy of you.

 

It isn't your responsibility to try to understand him or his actions anymore. You don't have to spend your time trying to analyze, rationalize, or puzzle out WHY he did what he did. He left, and he will face the consequences. If he spends the rest of his life living a lie, so be it.

 

Turn the love you wanted to shower on him inward and love yourself with every single bit of it.

  • Like 3
L1ght Established Member

L1ght

Posted
Posted
He went back to be with people that he himself expressed he couldn't truly be himself around.

 

How do I get over the feeling that some of those broken pieces on the floor are him?

The broken pieces are him. The broken pieces are also you. You are obsessed with fixing this guy but what about you? Are you fixed right now or are you too broken pieces of glass on the floor?

Life is a funny thing, one day we are the answers to someone's problems and they turn to us for healing, they tell us that we are the only ones who can truly heal them and they tell us that other people don't matter to them...yes that's right I've heard that kind of stuff myself before too but life being life one day comes when we are no longer that person, they no longer want our healing and all those other people who weren't important to them before now all of a sudden become important.

Let it go and move on because that's exactly what he is doing.

  • Like 1
Kirstenk New Member

Kirstenk

Posted
Posted

I was always attracted to the idea of loving someone who is clearly unlovable. The task of receiving love from someone who I guess was incapable of love was exciting

I listened to you as you told me who you were and how you hurt people in the past but it didn't click that you would do the same to me.

For some reason I thought I was special, I pictured a checkered but happy ending for us over and over and over and over in my head . When I was lonely I held on to the thought you coming home and saving me from the world I was stuck in

I believed my loyalty would earn yours.I was wrong

I overestimated your ability to show compassion and basic human emotion

 

You made empty promises and projections of love while being protected by a jail cell, I believed and supported you with all my heart

you came home and left after a week. How could you end 4 years after one week

I stuck by you when you could offer me nothing in return. The moment you could offer emotional support to me you left

You used and abused me in away That was unimaginable

I'm not sure if anyone has hurt you or has caused the pain you've caused me ..if anyone has kicked you in the stomach the way you have me .I don't know if anyone has shown you the worst of a person as you've shown me I have not eaten or slept in three days because of the disgust and confusion in my heart you blind sighted me just when I needed you the most. Everything was perfect, then you left. I was a phenomenal woman to you, free of fault, I supported when everyone else was gone. I confided in you. You lied to about your love for us because clearly it wasn't enough to make you stay

but i will recover and be a stronger, more phenomenal woman for our son and whoever god sends me next

I hope you can forgive those who hurt you as I am now forgiving you

I want to thank you sincerely for all the lessons intentional and unintentional you have taught me

For all of the good times we've shown eachother. Keansburg will always be my favorite!:)

 

In the end I wish you peace and rest Truelove is not an Emotion that can be easily lost so know that whenever you feel alone I love you with every ounce of my being You have also shown the best a person can offer and wish nothing but happiness success joy and peace in your life

I hope that somehow I have helped make you a better man for someone else . I hope both of us are able to GIVE and receive love in the future and make some very lucky people happy..and If by chance fate should send you back my way, I hope pride and hubris will not hinder us from the happiness we both deserve

Love always,

Kirsten

  • Like 1
NomiMalone Established Member

NomiMalone

Posted
Posted

Are you surprised not to have heard a peep from me? That I haven't called, texted, emailed to beg or plead or even ask why?

AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted

I still don't get it. I did nothing to you to deserve this. To deserve this complete cold silence where you don't ven give enough of a **** about me to assure me that you're okay.

 

What I'm feeling now is like another abandonment. I had gotten to the point where I took comfor just knowing you were there in your town living and breathing and hopefully doing well.

 

But you left and you didn't even tell me and without you there it is stupid

Because I know intellectually we weren't in communication, but somehow knowing you're not here anymore, I feel abandoned and somehow a little more vulnerable. A little less safe. And yes, my muscles are burning right now due to Lola magnesium so I know a good portion of this is nutritional crash.

 

But still.

 

I feel a little less safe. More vulnerable.

 

I feel like it was probably decided back in August; no matter when it a tuly happened. It if wasn't illness on the part of you or your parents, I feel like they may have panicked. I know you changed your voice very time they walked by. The strong,!low and confident to ex jumped an octave, became soft, weak And unassuming sounding.

 

Maybe I am wrong, but you had told me you weren't really yourself around them. I think hearing your true voice scared the **** out of them and frankly, maybe I'm wrong, but if I am it is only because YOU left me with no answers whatsoever, but I really don't think you're reaching true adulthood and independence from them was every a priority for them.

 

I think in their minds you exist to fill their needs, and not how it should have been as you grew up and attained true psychological adulthood, the other way around.

 

Though I never "cashed my winnings in" or "settled for silver" this song still applies and damn, you really do make me believe in tragedy.

 

mangetout Established Member

mangetout

Posted
Posted

I still think of you every day. Every day. But I don't cry over you anymore.

 

 

That's progress!! I can see your hold on me is getting less intense and I am not afraid of it. You gave me too much pain. You were not there for me when ever I really needed you.

 

 

You are too emotional immature for me. A lost boy.

 

 

And to think that I didn't think I could live without you seven months ago.

 

 

Well I am certainly doing so. Onwards and upwards.

  • Like 1
Mary Oak Established Member

Mary Oak

Posted
Posted

Hey again. One day I won't feel the need to reach out to you anymore. But, that day is not today.

 

The thought of never being with you again sucks. No other way to put it. You are gone. Working together, allows us to know the other one is ok. But, I would rather not know, than just to see your car in the parking lot. I feel better when I am not at work. Honestly, I feel better when I can be alone, that way I can be myself.

 

I don't want anyone else. It takes too much effort to date and I don't even want anyone else to know me. When I did date, they weren't you, and I still believe you are my true love. I now know I am not yours. What an evil twist of fate.

 

Every night I go to bed and "I wake up lovin' you..."

 

always

  • Like 3
STM206 Established Member

STM206

Posted
Posted

I hate that you turned my whole world upside down, when we used to be each others rock. Why the hell didn't you just talk to me? Didn't you for one second think there was something worth saving?

 

Wasn't I worth it? I keep telling myself that you're not worth it anymore, but my heart tells me otherwise.

AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted

I keep reaching out to you. Over facebook. That email (sadly your work one, because even though I wrote it down before we parted, I couldn't find where I'd written it after, and I always remember the first part the composer plus 555, I never ever remember which server).

 

You keep ignoring me.

 

You won't even reassure me that you are okay and that it wasn't something like grave illness on your part or the part of one of your parent's that precipitated the move.

 

It is like I am nothing to you. Worthless.

 

I would have given everything I am to you. And it feels like you think that is garbage. And when I'm not nutritionally crashing I can keep that from mattering to myself.

 

Unfortunately, I am crashing right now.

AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted
By remembering that he CHOSE this. He WANTED this. It was HIS doing. He will regret it, most likely, for a long time.

 

You shouldn't. He proved, through his actions, that he isn't worthy of you.

 

It isn't your responsibility to try to understand him or his actions anymore. You don't have to spend your time trying to analyze, rationalize, or puzzle out WHY he did what he did. He left, and he will face the consequences. If he spends the rest of his life living a lie, so be it.

 

Turn the love you wanted to shower on him inward and love yourself with every single bit of it.

 

So who loves the little kid inside of him that pulled him back? Because I'm pretty sure as much as the people he went back to want to, try to, mean to, I'm pretty sure they are not capable of giving him the kind of love he needs.

 

Who loves the emerging adult that he was truly trying to become? because that is not the adult they want, I'm pretty sure, and is not the one that they will encourage, if they encourage any true sense of adulthood at all.

 

Who notices and cares that a very important and fundamental part of himself is being buried alive?

 

I know you are giving good advice. I know it. My mood was already compromised by the nutritional crash (long story involving, gluten, inadequate nutrition because of the previous, and thus diminished cognitive and emotional control and mood capabilities), and then finding this out.

 

I know continuing to suffer myself helps no one, and particularly not the one I wish I could help the most, him.

 

Which is why as soon as the crash is over, (above and beyond the returning of all the things I just described) I will take your advice. But since I am crashing anyway, I do feel like someone should notice and care!

Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
Posted

Anya, he is gone. `Don`t make me come over there!` You owe him nothing. I would have given my ex anything as well. That part of our lives has finished and we are moving on. You have. The dark nights sometimes find a way in. But you have been a support to me here in very dark times. I want you to get through this and stop worrying me. You know you can vent to me.

 

Please take care.

 

Haydn

 

 

Typical by Frazier Chorus (1989) - YouTube

  • Like 2
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
I keep reaching out to you. Over facebook. That email (sadly your work one, because even though I wrote it down before we parted, I couldn't find where I'd written it after, and I always remember the first part the composer plus 555, I never ever remember which server).

 

You keep ignoring me.

 

You won't even reassure me that you are okay and that it wasn't something like grave illness on your part or the part of one of your parent's that precipitated the move.

 

It is like I am nothing to you. Worthless.

 

I would have given everything I am to you. And it feels like you think that is garbage. And when I'm not nutritionally crashing I can keep that from mattering to myself.

 

Unfortunately, I am crashing right now.

 

Stop giving so much to someone who isn't even in your life anymore. Honestly, your posts make me so sad to read. You really think so little of yourself. Sever the tie completely, so you can at least start the grief process. You have been festering for a year now in a holding pattern.

 

What else are you grieving. I don't think this is just about him.

  • Like 3
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
You owe him nothing. I would have given my ex anything as well.

 

I think this is a big part of the problem. No boundaries whatsoever. Willing to give everything she is and utterly destroy all of her dignity for a person who has cut her off. Anya, you need to start with trying to build up your self-esteem. I took was in a relationship where I did give everything, including part of who I was. It's not worth it in the end.

  • Like 2
AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted
I think this is a big part of the problem. No boundaries whatsoever. Willing to give everything she is and utterly destroy all of her dignity for a person who has cut her off. Anya, you need to start with trying to build up your self-esteem. I took was in a relationship where I did give everything, including part of who I was. It's not worth it in the end.

 

The really fun thing about the biopsychosocial model is how much of it is bio. where I'm at in regards to my magical disappearing mystery ex tour really depends a lot on my levels of sodium, calcium, magnesium, potassium, phosphorous, vitamins C, D, and several of the B's, as well as other various and sundry hormones and amino acids and nutritional things.

 

My doctor tells me that as soon as we get the test results back and eliminate any other food allergies or intolerances, we can begin treatment for the increased permeability that is losing me the nutrition I need.

 

But until then, I keep having "crashes" particularly if I tax myself with too much work, stress, or exercise (can you say, "finals week?") and the first thing to go is my mood and cognitive abilities, and my brain always has to have an explanation.

 

And I did a stupid thing while crashing, and googled the ex and found out about the move etc.

 

My self-esteem and boundaries plummet when I am crashing. My brain interprets its "feeling bad" not by missing various important nutritional elements, but by what is going on, in most cases, with the ex.

 

So in a way, my experience is real. Everything I write about him and how I feel is very true and real for me right now.

 

But, as I go through the day and restore and replenish with my supplements at some point (if it is a bad crash it may even be into tomorrow or the next day, please god I hope not!) but sometime it will shift. Pretty rapidly too, once the particular nutritional agent that is causing it is replaced enough.

 

And then my self-esteem is back. My boundaries are back and I easily recognize it was his choice, I can't control his behavior, or make him make healthy choices and I'm back to living my life and looking forward.

 

But while I'm experiencing the crash I also have to treat my feelings that I feel about it as real. And write about them.

 

So yes. It is both true and not true that I have low self-esteem. And true and not true that I have bad boundaries.

 

What is true is that I am deeply caring. I will always to some degree care about everyone always who has been a significant factor in my life.

 

What is true is that I am a fiercely loyal person and I want to see those I care about be the most healthy and themselves version of themselves possible for them to be. And it does deeply disturb me when they choose not to be.

AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted
Anya, he is gone. `Don`t make me come over there!` You owe him nothing. I would have given my ex anything as well. That part of our lives has finished and we are moving on. You have. The dark nights sometimes find a way in. But you have been a support to me here in very dark times. I want you to get through this and stop worrying me. You know you can vent to me.

 

Please take care.

 

Haydn

 

 

Typical by Frazier Chorus (1989) - YouTube

 

One of the first times I had a gluten intolerance related nutritional crash that I can remember and pinpoint (not that I had any clue until decades later what was happening)...I was walking along on a cloudy day outside when I was about six. My mood plummeted as I was walking. I remember being really confused about it. Having no clue why.

 

Just at the moment I tripped, I was contemplating why I suddenly felt so sad. No explanation why.

 

After I tripped, though, I couldn't stop crying and in trying to explain to the nice old ladies at the church picnic why I was crying, I said something to the effect of, "because my mother's gone for a week or two" (she was away, I believe arranging the last classes she would need to become a minister in what would become the ELCA as she and dad switched over from the Mo synod).

 

And, it really wasn't true before. Its not that I didn't love my mother or miss her, but that my brother and I were raised with such a strong sense of security and trust, that we both knew that no amount of distance, time, or anything would ever sever or change the love she had for us. And as I was walking I couldn't figure out any reason why I was sad at all. It didn't make sense and it had come on so suddenly. As these often do.

 

But in that moment, once my brain landed on the "reason" it became true.

 

That is what is happening here. I was crashing in the car on the way home from the final after the all-nighter for the paper.

 

And then I stupidly googled him. The rest is now set until I recover from this one.

 

And thank you for being there through this!!!

Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
Posted

You will come through this. We might be miles away but i and others are here to see this through with you. Remember when i joined here? You and JDPT and Anna Anna were there to help clear up the terrible mess i was. Just keep going. OK.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
The really fun thing about the biopsychosocial model is how much of it is bio. where I'm at in regards to my magical disappearing mystery ex tour really depends a lot on my levels of sodium, calcium, magnesium, potassium, phosphorous, vitamins C, D, and several of the B's, as well as other various and sundry hormones and amino acids and nutritional things.

 

My doctor tells me that as soon as we get the test results back and eliminate any other food allergies or intolerances, we can begin treatment for the increased permeability that is losing me the nutrition I need.

 

But until then, I keep having "crashes" particularly if I tax myself with too much work, stress, or exercise (can you say, "finals week?") and the first thing to go is my mood and cognitive abilities, and my brain always has to have an explanation.

 

And I did a stupid thing while crashing, and googled the ex and found out about the move etc.

 

My self-esteem and boundaries plummet when I am crashing. My brain interprets its "feeling bad" not by missing various important nutritional elements, but by what is going on, in most cases, with the ex.

 

So in a way, my experience is real. Everything I write about him and how I feel is very true and real for me right now.

 

But, as I go through the day and restore and replenish with my supplements at some point (if it is a bad crash it may even be into tomorrow or the next day, please god I hope not!) but sometime it will shift. Pretty rapidly too, once the particular nutritional agent that is causing it is replaced enough.

 

And then my self-esteem is back. My boundaries are back and I easily recognize it was his choice, I can't control his behavior, or make him make healthy choices and I'm back to living my life and looking forward.

 

But while I'm experiencing the crash I also have to treat my feelings that I feel about it as real. And write about them.

 

So yes. It is both true and not true that I have low self-esteem. And true and not true that I have bad boundaries.

 

What is true is that I am deeply caring. I will always to some degree care about everyone always who has been a significant factor in my life.

 

What is true is that I am a fiercely loyal person and I want to see those I care about be the most healthy and themselves version of themselves possible for them to be. And it does deeply disturb me when they choose not to be.

 

I don't doubt that what you are feeling is real. If you are feeling it, you definitely need to write it down. It sounds like you really need to take care of yourself and show yourself some love. It looks like googling your ex threw you into a tailspin, but you've got to be strong and come out of it. Try to infuse logic into it and realize that the relationship was over anyway, so where he lives is no longer of concern to you.

 

I do understand what it feels like to have the world crashing down on you, and you cannot control a d@mn thing. Believe me when I say I understand that. When my ex left me, a series of other events happened, and I just kept thinking, "what next?" I want you to know that you can get better, but you must sever the tie with him forever. You are showing yourself no love by worrying about a person who cut contact with you. Yes, I know you are human, and it's near impossible to flip a switch like that. However, you must try.

Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted

I guess I'm really not getting the whole "nutritional crash" thing. Is this something that can be dealt with proactively by taking supplements throughout the day even when you are crashing, like insulin with a diabetic? If so, do these crashes come from you forgetting/neglecting to take the supplements due to being busy/distracted/etc.? You talk about them a lot, and it seems like they happen frequently, so I'm wondering why they happen so often. Is it a disease, for a lack of a better word, with no real cure? Are the crashes like chronic migraines that come and go based on biological/psychological triggers? I'm not trying to attack, I'm legitimately curious.

 

No matter how they happen, whether it's purely biological or a combination of biology, psychology and inadequate prepping, you can't continue to use them as an excuse to keep picking at this scab. You assured me a few weeks ago after you sent an unanswered e-mail that you were OK, that his lack of response was what you needed to turn the page. But you are exactly where I was afraid you were going to go after that happened, spiraling back down into the abyss. And it sucks to see that.

 

As far as the crashes, I'm not saying you are using them as an excuse and I completely believe the psychological element of them is genuine. But you need to work harder to repel the destructive urges when they happen. If anything, the worst time to check up on him is when you are crashing. If you are going to check up on him (which you shouldn't obviously) it's when you are replenished and fulfilled. For whatever reason, this guy does not want you in his life and you need to respect that. You aren't his mother, you aren't his care-taker, you aren't his anything. Use the energy you waste trying to figure out how to fix a man who doesn't want to be fixed and dedicate it to fixing yourself, to boosting yourself (not to mention that you should never ever try to "fix" someone, ultimate waste of time and energy). He doesn't need the boost -- you do. And even if he did need a boost, he wants it from other people. Instead of loving someone who doesn't want your love, love yourself. You are intelligent, you have things going on that are good, focus on those. You probably could stand to turn your brain off for a bit and stop overanalyzing things, but that's not going to happen, so start to analyze the things in YOUR LIFE, not his.

  • Like 4
Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
Posted

As good as ever. So sound Anya.

 

 

 

I guess I'm really not getting the whole "nutritional crash" thing. Is this something that can be dealt with proactively by taking supplements throughout the day even when you are crashing, like insulin with a diabetic? If so, do these crashes come from you forgetting/neglecting to take the supplements due to being busy/distracted/etc.? You talk about them a lot, and it seems like they happen frequently, so I'm wondering why they happen so often. Is it a disease, for a lack of a better word, with no real cure? Are the crashes like chronic migraines that come and go based on biological/psychological triggers? I'm not trying to attack, I'm legitimately curious.

 

No matter how they happen, whether it's purely biological or a combination of biology, psychology and inadequate prepping, you can't continue to use them as an excuse to keep picking at this scab. You assured me a few weeks ago after you sent an unanswered e-mail that you were OK, that his lack of response was what you needed to turn the page. But you are exactly where I was afraid you were going to go after that happened, spiraling back down into the abyss. And it sucks to see that.

 

As far as the crashes, I'm not saying you are using them as an excuse and I completely believe the psychological element of them is genuine. But you need to work harder to repel the destructive urges when they happen. If anything, the worst time to check up on him is when you are crashing. If you are going to check up on him (which you shouldn't obviously) it's when you are replenished and fulfilled. For whatever reason, this guy does not want you in his life and you need to respect that. You aren't his mother, you aren't his care-taker, you aren't his anything. Use the energy you waste trying to figure out how to fix a man who doesn't want to be fixed and dedicate it to fixing yourself, to boosting yourself (not to mention that you should never ever try to "fix" someone, ultimate waste of time and energy). He doesn't need the boost -- you do. And even if he did need a boost, he wants it from other people. Instead of loving someone who doesn't want your love, love yourself. You are intelligent, you have things going on that are good, focus on those. You probably could stand to turn your brain off for a bit and stop overanalyzing things, but that's not going to happen, so start to analyze the things in YOUR LIFE, not his.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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