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May 2, 2014

Just over 6 months have gone past since we finished what never got to flourish. I still feel pain and even though I've taken active approaches to trying to stop replaying disappointments in my head, I can't shake the thoughts all the time. Some people probably speculate that this you were just my first so no wonder I feel this way, but you have to know that I wasn't that way. I didn't want you to simply be the first, I wanted you to be the always. I had a dream a few nights ago that I was going back to your country and in the dream I felt anxious to get there. I woke up in the morning and realised that that will not come to pass. Why did you have to change? Why couldn't you hang on when I needed you to? Why is it that you couldn't see that I loved you and I did want to be with you? Did it ever occur to you that you were the one I needed here with me? I ask myself so many questions time and time again. Lately I manage to go an hour or two without you popping into my head and it feels like nothing but you know that is better than the every ticking minute that it was in the first month. I ask myself what is it that you do in your days and how do you spend your evenings. Yet I question whether I really want to know the truth anymore. I get the sudden and blunt pain in my chest when I think of you being with another girl and to think you may just have seen me as just another number to your total. Many times in these 6 months I have wished I could push back the hands of time and there has been nothing I could do. I don't know if you will ever feel the way I have felt, the way that I feel. I want to stop this for myself but I am not like a switch. At times I have wished you would get tricked by some girl or that your friends become busy and that you can't keep up a decent conversation with anyone. I have wished that you become physically ill and that nobody would go visit you. But I know that none of that will really do much for me. Now I just hope that I forget you. I don't want to be like a leech hanging onto the memories that I thought were special. I hope that when I hear your name that I feel nothing and yet I still have left to wish that you forget me too. I have to keep on asking God for another chance. I hope I am ready for someone new to know my heart and not to shred it to pieces.

May 2, 2014

I should have never given you a chance.

You reminded me of him.... And I think that's the only reason why you even had a chance with me. Because I do not date losers!!!!! So what was I thinking????

Ugh!! Regrets!!!

May 3, 2014

You will never love me like the way I love you. Ever.

May 3, 2014

I miss you....

Tonight is tough. Everyone is out and about, and I am baby sitting.

I dunno? How can you hang out with your friends so much, and with me it's limited? Aren't I sexy? Don't I care about you enough? Maybe I am too clingy. Maybe I need to be a itch. Whatever the case might be... It saddens me... its like once you got what you wanting... you simply stopped caring.. that sucks so much. :[

May 3, 2014

Where do I go from here?

May 3, 2014

Day like what 3? I still feel like sh*t for a non serious relationship.

May 3, 2014

It has been seven weeks since you broke up with me, seven weeks since we had a conversation about anything other than the logistics of me getting my stuff, and four weeks since we have talked at all.

I'm not nearly as sad as I was, but I still miss you all the time and I still love you just as much as I ever did. I mean, I've basically gotten used to you not being in my life, so the pain isn't so bad now that it is the norm. However, I'm having other issues now that I think were brought on by you leaving. I'm way more anxious than I used to be, kind of like I was when I was a teenager. Interactions with people are difficult most of the time, and I've lost a lot of confidence about my work. I'm going to a conference at the end of the month -- something I've done now at least a dozen times, but I feel the same way as I did when I went to the first one.

My anxiety improved a lot over the years, and while you certainly helped with it some by just being in my life, it improved more than this before I met you. I don't really understand why the upheaval in my life has dredged this old anxiety back up. Maybe because in general I really like consistency in my life and having a plan, and you were both of those things for me in the ultra long-term, and it blew up in my face? I guess I am worried that the same will happen to all my other long-term plans (i.e., my career goals) so anxiety has crept into all aspects of my life, especially those things related to my work. It is weird though, when I was still really sad I wasn't anxious at all. I'm not sure which I prefer. I am seeing a therapist about these things, so maybe she can help, though I feel like I just did a pretty good job psychoanalyzing myself, right?

Anyway, I hope you had a nice birthday. I miss you, and I look forward to the day where I don't feel anything towards you other than having some old positive memories and such, at which point we can probably talk again maybe. I'm headed that way, I'm a lot closer than I was seven weeks ago, but I still think there is a pretty long path ahead of me.

I love you.

May 3, 2014

Owner of lonely heart is so much better than an owner of broken heart! </3

May 4, 2014

I imagine that you are telling people I'm weird and crazy. Insensitive jerks often do things like that when they hurt people and have no clue why their victims are upset. I've been through this before, but on a more devious level. You don't even have the brains to be that devious, so I'm not worried about it.

You're a little man in height and personality. I don't like the games you play and you play plenty of them. You put so many people down and judge so many people while you see yourself as A-okay, or should I say, O-TAY, you Caucasian Buckwheat!

You wasted weeks of my time and then left such a bad taste in my mouth, gargling with Jack Daniels would have been a step up, taste wise.

You did all this crap to me, then don't even let me get it out, get things off my chest. I tell you I'm hurt and you just keep telling me what you are doing is good for me? You sound like those school administrators who insist on using insulting mascots at universities that portray Native Americans in a negative way. ("We're doing it to honor them.") Yeah, right!

You are thoughtless and stupid and I'm glad you flunked out of school. You hear that, azz crack? I'm glad you flunked out of school. You shouldn't be working with the public, you dysfunctional azz wipe.

Edited May 4, 2014 by CopingGal

May 4, 2014

What you left me here to deal with on my own.

You wouldn't even be a friend to me while I went through hell with my mind and body. And I would have been there for you. In a heartbeat without a second thought.

And we were both in so much pain that last night but yet you still insisted it was, "for the best"

WHY?

Tell me that.

Why?

May 4, 2014

And I'm sitting here in my messy apartment.

I keep getting parts of it clean, and then losing the ability to clean the rest. And I am grasping at straws and digging deep to find strength and I wonder if you will ever have to dig this deep yourself.

I have found some recipes from other gluten freers who struggle with neurological concerns as well that seem to be helping.

I have no idea. You may be cursing the day you let me go. You may be indifferent. You may be laughing. Who the heck knows. Only you and you're not telling.

But if you are telling yourself that I'm just intrinsically crazy with these mood swings, I don't think I have to tell you what you can go do with yourself. Because not only are these sorts of experiences apparently common among people with gluten intolerances, I have seen enough evidence myself.

I don't know ex. I'm here alone in my apartment and it would be seriously nice if you or someone would help me out. Maybe even just taking some wash down the flights of stairs outside or helping me get the garbage out since I expended every once of energy and electrolytes that I apparently had during the new apartment hunt yesterday.

But I will tell you this.

1) I am already planning my whole new apartment layout and strategy for nutritional crashes, so that everything is ultra easy and not energy depleting to clean up and put away.

2)I am going to dig uber deep, and even if my graduate career here is shot, I will work for a year or so to ensure that my health is truly stabilized with the new doctor and treatment, and I will find somewhere else. And I will do well.

3) My doctor is highly sure that I don't even have ADD, that it is simply a secondary result of the physical stuff.

4) I am going to make some guy very happy.

5) I am going to make myself very happy.

6) I will have lots of meaning and at least one cat will feature prominently in my life.

May 5, 2014

Janette:

I reckoned that at our age, experience and status we'd be able to overcome the difficulties life threw at us, but I was wrong; we're only human so I think I understand your reasons for leaving and will abide by your decision. Thank you for your love and support for 10 years; I'll always cherish the good times and regret the bad times we had together.

May God bless you and bestow that which your heart desires. Good bye.

May 5, 2014

I wish you only knew the pain you caused me from leaving me. For an entire year I have been an emotional wreck on the inside and just now for the past several weeks have I been picking up my life again.

I have tried my best to put most of the past behind me, but I am still broken on how we ended and said our "goodbyes". You were okay with waiting for me to heal on my own so that we could just be simple friends in the end of all this, but now that you are in a relationship, you are not even interested in friendship anymore.

You told me you loved me, and you told me you will always be my best friend but here I am now without you anymore. I had the choice last year to be your friend and emotionally be torn apart by watching you date other men while I was not healing, or to cut off contact and move on so we could build a friendship later.

Today I went to the park and felt broken at how we laughed at the things we always talked about. Then I felt anger. I felt angry and torn that you told me I'd always be your best friend but evidently things have changed. I just wish you understood. I wish you understood the reasons behind all my choices.

As I write this, the song "Forever and Always" is playing and I am strong enough not to cry, but it saddens me that this was our song and now here we are.

I have learned so much from this community that I have joined recently and have started to better my life and treat myself more. I have never been more determined to change some parts of my lifestyle to prevent what happened in our relationship from happening in my next one. I am doing this not only for myself, but for you.

Today was the first day in several months that I have cried over you. I am enduring this pain and I will make these changes in myself to make myself a better person and show you how much you meant to me. Even if you never see my changes, I will feel some sort of relief by accomplishing my goals. I wish we dated later in the future when we are both more mature and you did not want to explore the world. We share so many similarities and click so well that we probably would have made it then.

I have wondered less and less, but I still wonder the two things that bothered me the most. Why did you talk so badly about the person you ended up in a relationship with now right before we cut off contact? Was it not to hurt me, or why? I have also wondered if you still have the stuffed pillow pet that you prized for the longest time, even after we broke up.

My heart hurts so much sometimes, and the days where I have wished for your friendship are endless. I have given up on our reconciliation as a couple, but I will admit I am still guilty of wanting to contact you for friendship. I wish I just knew what you thought of me right now, whether you hate me, care about me, or somewhere in between. I wish I knew.

The day where I have to completely let go of you is approaching closer each and every day, and I fear that day as it comes closer.

Please S, do not throw away the friendship we had before we decided to enter a relationship. I wish I could contact you, but I told you I wouldn't and wanted to respect your space. We were terrible as a couple at the time, but you were as close to me as a sister. To let go of the potential of a friendship again with you is like letting an entire piece of my heart fade away.

I hope you are doing well with your life and your new sweetheart. I do not want to harbor hate for you, but I also do not want to be as indifferent to you as a random acquaintance.

Goodnight and I hope you know that even if I have to let go entirely, a room in my heart will always keep the memories and laughs we shared.

May 5, 2014

Dear J,

I miss you. I really do. If I'm being honest, I miss you. I don't know why it's been so hard recently to not miss you, I've been fine for a while now, I've been dating, not anything seirous but I'm getting out there, I'm figuring out life. It's been wonderful and then all the sudden it's "bam".

I know you're in a relationship, but I still miss you. Unblocking you from Facebook was not my best idea and I do regret it. Sorry.

Anyway, I hope you're doing well and that's about it.

Love,

Me.

May 5, 2014

Dear M,

I hope your peepee works better for the next poor beeyotch who gets caught up in your wishy-washyness! Oh, and btw, your irritable bowel syndrome and bad breath aren't conducive to hot love-making! Nor is your desperation! Have fun finding your "life partner" you weak, spineless wimp before your use-by date, which is coming up real soon since you've already got one foot in the grave! Oh, and that flannel shirt thing you got going on? So last century! Leave your grandma at home the next time you go shopping, fool!

Love and miss youuuuu!

May 5, 2014

Stupid mutual friends of ours.

I woke up this morning to a message on facebook from a mutual friend who said he saw you with some other guy, and wanted to let me know about it in case you were cheating or whatever. I mean, I appreciate his sentiment, but that caused me to go into a crazy-person spiral in which I cyberstalked the guy I assumed it would be, and saw that you're now in a relationship with him.

I remember calling you on your lie in the last real conversation we had. Where you said "I'm not choosing between you and him." And I flatly said, "Yes you are. Maybe you'll be single for a little bit, but you're going to get with him soon." You didn't really respond, because you knew I was right. You were just trying to protect my feelings, to keep from emasculating me about the fact that another guy basically stole you from me. Well, that is some overly-gendered discourse to describe the situation -- you let yourself fell in love with him, and you CHOSE him over me, more accurately. And I knew you two would end up together after a while, I just hoped for a long time that you were at least giving yourself time to heal and figure yourself out -- because lets face it, you have a lot of figuring yourself out to do. You have a lot of problems just being happy in life, and you have a lot of problems knowing what you want out of life, just in general (things I should have seen as big flashing red lights, probably), and I doubt the few weeks you gave yourself helped you figure that out.

But I don't think you gave yourself that much time. It has been seven weeks, and I just heard about it now, so your new thing has probably been going on for a while, I would guess.

I kind of can't believe he was willing to take you, since you really hurt him a few months ago when you chose me over him. But he really loves you blindly and thinks you are flawless and amazing at this point, and is willing to dive into that ****. I know that if you went all wishy-washy and chose me now over him, I would definitely not take you back. He is probably always going to worry that the same thing will happen to him. Doesn't seem like the best recipe for a relationship to me.

I wonder what your family thinks. They liked me so much, and your mom was so upset with you when you broke up with me. I wonder how she feels about you moving on so fast. I wonder if they will all resent this guy for a while, since they have to know that he was the catalyst for our break up. Maybe i'm giving myself too much importance in saying that, but oh well.

I just have a hard time understanding. I can't even fathom moving on. I still love you as much as I ever have, it hasn't faded at all. I have gotten used to your absence in my life, and just deal with the fact that I can't be with you anymore, but the love is still there. This is just another event that really shows me that you didn't love me anymore, which is really hard to swallow for someone whose love still will not fade, even after all the pain you have put me through.

I can't believe that a few weeks before you broke up with me you told m you were so sure about everything. I can't believe that a few weeks befor eyou broke up with me, we were talking about wedding venues and making appointments. I can't believe a few weeks before you broke up with me, I flew across the world to be with you in the hospital. It all just changed so quickly.

I have a few more things at your apartment, as you recall, since they wouldn't all fit in my car. It sucks that I'm going to have to communicate with you some how about that sometime in the next couple months. I guess I could get new pots and pans. But I really like the painting I left there. But still, maybe avoidance is best until I can stop loving you. Now that you're with someone else, it is a whole new thing for me.

I hope things work out with him, in all honesty. I hope he makes you happy, and I hope you are a better girlfriend to him than you were to me. Maybe he will bring the best out of you and he can help you figure out your stuff. I just don't know how likely it is given your guys' back story. What kind of love story will that be to tell in the long run? "Well, I was engaged to someone else when I met him and he was so AMAZING that he made me lose all feelings for the other guy. Isn't that sweet?" isn't the best way to start a story.

I really just want to stop loving you now. Maybe this will help, I guess? I need to get past this really intense feeling I have for you, and soon, or it is going to eat me alive. Maybe a good place to start is to stop ending these letters proclaiming my love for you.

I guess it is like Catullus says: Difficile est longum subito deponere amorem.

Bye.

Edited May 5, 2014 by lamis

May 5, 2014

Yesterday morning I took a deep breath and deleted many photos of you, of us, that I had saved in a special folder on my laptop. What are photos like those worth keeping for? You're someone I won't have because you are really someone that I never truly knew. I can't keep those moments in time even though tears streamed down my face while I erased them from my sight. Hopefully it becomes outta sight outta mind. But you know it has been almost 7 aching months since we split and you're there still, in my mind. I don't want to hang onto you and the promises that never came to light. I don't want to hear or see your name, I don't want to hear those words you used, I don't want to hear those songs we talked about, I don't want a stranger's clothes to remind me of yours, I don't want to feel for you. I want to let go and I am trying to let go and **** i hate you for not fighting more. You're probably fine whatever it is you're doing in this very moment. I hope your friends are keeping you busy and that your chick buddies are making you feel so lucky. My nights are long and my days are blurred. I wish we never talked and we never met up that day. You know what day I mean. I thought it was special but of course that was a dumb thing to assume. It's probably just another tick in your personal calendar. Let me be free

May 5, 2014

You know, I still don't get it. I really do not get how it can be that when life gets hard on you, you just want friends, family, me to just leave you alone. I know I do not want to miss you any-more, but I still do. Sometimes I almost wish I was you, suppressing everything seems quite an easy solution. The only helpful thing is that I know now that you really wont be coming back, it all still makes no sense at all.

May 6, 2014

Today marks exactly 4 months since I last looked into your beautiful blue eyes. I felt awful today and couldn't exactly pin point why until I realized it was the 5th. The sad thing is you probably don't even remember the day you broke up with me, but I remember - and I wish I didn't.

I want to say so many things to you, to tell you how much I miss you, but I can't...

I miss you, even more so than I did yesterday. I guess absence and time really does make the heart grow fonder.

May 6, 2014

The sad thing is you probably don't even remember the day you broke up with me, but I remember - and I wish I didn't.

Keep your chin up STM and stay strong! Both you and I know you and the rest of us here will make it through. For a very, very long while I remembered the day my ex broke up with me. However! As of nowadays, I have completely forgotten when that day was, heck I even mix up two months and cannot tell which one it was.

I promise you things will be better!

May 6, 2014

You know how I thought that my brain went offline enough with the deficiency to delay some of my healing?

One of the things I stopped doing for a long time, that is coming back, was dreaming.

So last night I had my second full ex dream.

I dreamed of you.

I don't remember much about it, except it was very gray and cold, and for some reason that same damn glass building (did I even see such a building? I don't think you ever showed me where you worked, but my brain seems to think you work in a big glass building) that featured in the last one.

But I kept trying to find you everywhere and I couldn't.

You know, a part of my brain that I can't seem to stop keeps looking for you everywhere. But it is time to let that part of my brain, those connections, die.

I then had a second dream that I can't tell. It ostensibly was my previous ex, except like your family had been in a sort of one, we (me and my previous ex) were in a cult in this dream which leads me to wonder if it still wasn't about you. But it was him I was happy to see in the end, I don't know.

And we were taken by the cult leader into this movie theater, and he was in the process of locking us in. And I knew. knew. That he (the cult leader) was about to make us all drink poison kool aid, or shoot us all or something.

Before he finished locking the doors, I boldly went up and asked to be let out. I think my reasoning in the dream was that he would let me out because if he didn't, everyone would panic before he had successfully locked everyone in.

He did let me out, I looked back at my previous ex, but he wouldn't come with me. So I left.

As soon as I left the theater, I sought help. I wasn't in time, but thankfully at least due to funky dream logic, my previous ex had somehow not actually been in there with us, and so had escaped the fate that everyone else in the dream cult suffered.

but when I woke up, it wasn't you that I was relieved greatly to know was still alive in real life (though in my first dream of you, most recent ex, it was!), but my previous ex.

--------------------------------------------------------------

But that first dream was so desolate feeling. I couldn't find you and I knew I never would.

Not that far removed from real life, huh?

I wonder what horrible sin I committed that you won't even be a friend to me? Or let me be a friend to you. If you haven't taken your CPA exam yet, you must be so incredibly stressed.

Whatever.

The universe seems to know that I blocked you on facebook for my own healing and moving on. I've got several interested guys now. We'll see what happens.

May 6, 2014

I miss being friends with you.

But I've learned that you don't respect me. You've shown me that through your actions.

I don't want to be a doormat anymore. Not for you, or for anyone.

I just want to be me. I don't have to do anything to try to make you or anyone else love me. I wanted to be loved for my essence.

You never did.

May 6, 2014

Dear M.

I hate you.

That is all.

Sincerely,

The guy who hates you.

May 6, 2014

Hey you,

Your actions have sent me through a whirlwind of emotions the last 22 months. My healing has definitely not been linear, it has been full of ups and downs. Well, I can't say there have been any true "ups". You took my soul when you left me. You asked me to give it to you, then you left with it.

I think I want to write you at this moment to tell you I am really angry. I feel used and discarded. I feel betrayed and replaced. Of course these are all things I couldn't say to you because I was getting "too angry". Well, at times when people hurt other people, we get angry. That is the point I am at now.

I love you. WHy? I have no idea. I will move on. You will not be the death of me. I will not allow that. You are right where you want to be... with my old friend. Classy. If you two didn't feel like it was something to be ashamed of then you would not have needed to call mutual friends to "warn" them. I guess you can see how many friends you have left. SHe was shady and you allowed her to be.

I wasted almost a decade on you. No one will ever love you like i did, or stand beside you like I would. Damn it! I am so freaking angry today...

May 6, 2014

SOD YOU! I no longer care for you anymore. I am not some worthless piece of crap that you mess around with.

You will see that you have reached your limit with me. You will see.

No more miss nice girl here. Its over

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