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March 27, 2014

I love you more than i could ever explain! I would give the world to you if i could! It's depressing, that the fact we broke up wasn't even due to us, but due to your parents not approving of me. Half a decade we saw one another, i want to give you the world. I am longing for the day you contact me , to tell me you miss me, maybe delusional, maybe optimistic, but i just want you, everything about you.

We gave everything to one another, and we still both want more. I miss you more than anything and i love you beyond belief. You made me a better person and made me appreciate what true love really is. Come back to me

March 27, 2014

I am really struggling with everything today. Not really in a can't-stop-sobbing kind of a way, but I am really struggling to focus on anything and keep ending up returning to my thoughts. I just can't fathom that we'll never be together again right now. I know it is the case, and I know it is for the better. It is just such a big change. It has been almost two weeks, and some days I feel fine (well, as fine as can be) about everything, but now is not one of them.

I have things I really need to get done and deadlines approaching, but I have some serious apathy setting in, something you know is pretty rare for me. In fact, I'm not sure it ever happened for the years we were together.

I really miss you. I hope you're doing ok. I love you.

March 27, 2014

I miss you. I want to talk to you, but I will not be the one to reach out. I have sacrifced my self respect enough already, that I refuse to do it again. You have move on with another. In fact, I saw flowers in your office today. Man, that hurt. ANd God, do I want to ask about them. But I won't. It really set me back and made everything so real. After almost 8 years...17 months apart, and I still want you. I believe you are my soul mate, even though I am not yours.

I love you with all of me. ALways will.

March 27, 2014

You hate me,you hate me so much,you look at me as if i was the devil himself.I did mistakes and i'm sorry,i said some things that i didn't mean but i never insulted you,i never humiliated or mocked you and i was loyal to you.

You hate me because i rushed things,because i said some boys don't wait more that 2 months for sex even though i apologized because i was just having a bad day.

You wanted breathing space?All you had to do was just tell me when you wanted to hang out with your friends.

I loved you with all my heart and i tried to show it to you,as flawed as i was,i went in fast because i was afraid of being used and because i actually wanted to spend my life with you.

You hate me because you thought i just wanted to get you in my bed,but tell me,my queen,if that was the case,would i have begged for you to stay with me?Would i have tried so much to reconcile?I told you the reason i loved you was because i could see you're not easy,that you're resilient to temptation.

You promised me eternal love,you promised you would be by my side no matter happens,you said you never want to lose me,you said that i was exactly what you wanted,and yet now you see me as an enemy,we used to hold each others hands,hug and kiss each other at some point,now you are disgusted with me.

You said you would never forget me,that you never forget the special people in your life and you don't hate me,but now you wouldn't give a damn if i was on fire in front of you.

I hate you,i hate you for doing this to me,i hate you for all the promises of not giving up on me so that in the end for you to abandon me.Why did you do this?What did i do to you?Sure i made mistakes,you yourself said nobody is perfect when i last tried to make you give us another chance back in november,but was it that bad?

Thank you,my dear queen,i worshiped you,i failed sometimes to make you happy,sometimes i tried to make everything good but it came out bad and i apologize,but that didn't mean i couldn't make you happy in the long run,with all of my flaws,with all of my immaturity and sometimes desire to make things go faster,you lost a person who loved you more than anything in this world.

Thank you,for destroying my soul.

March 28, 2014

A month after dumping me - a three year relationship - you were by your words coming home on a flight after sleeping next to a "very special man" you had met online. That somehow didn't work, and you were single for about a month before meeting a different "very special man" online. Just like you jumped the gun to fly up to meet this first rebound, now you have plans on traveling across the country to be with this other person.

You've gotten three tattoos in the span of a month and a half, and have picked up the hobby of drinking with your friends.

I don't believe in the saying, "oh, he/she is not the same person anymore." You are indeed the same woman, with the same gorgeous eyes, big heart, and vindictive, selfish personality. But by gosh, you've changed so much in the nearly eight months we've been apart. I know I shouldn't know so much about you (yeah, I snoop at your Instagram and am pretty sure you are aware that I have one too now) but it just makes me so sad. I hate what you did to me, and in certain ways despise who you are as a human. I hate the things I did to you, and how the aftermath of the relationship played out. It's embarrassing to think about.

The fact of the matter is, what's done is done, and despite a zillion emotions swirling in my head, I just have such a strong urge to talk to you. I have such a strong urge to sit across from you, on my bed, and talk. We could cuddle, we could cry, we could fight... I don't care. It can all be a wash, just like the details of our relationship seem to be anyways. I cannot answer whether I miss you because my life is simply in tatters and you're what my mind defaults to, or if I genuinely miss you. I don't know, honestly. But I can honestly say that what I do know, no matter what the consequences may be, is I have this urge to just talk to you and see you again.

March 28, 2014

Today i was aching for you, i really was. I was doing a big case that i have to submit by midnight, and i was all agitated and constantly squirming and dare i say almost had a panic attack cause you weren't there. You would've helped me through it, and kissed me, and held my hand. Today was the first time hadn't gone home together, in 4 years, i didn't know how it would effect me, but it did in a big way.

I miss you so much, i miss literally every single thing about you. Those lips that make my heart melt, to your smile, your touch, just everything about you. I hope you realise the error of your ways, cause i know you're struggling as well as i am. I miss our inside jokes, i miss us just holding hands and driving around, not having to speak, just in the comfort of one another. I miss you my beautiful beloved.

March 28, 2014

I wonder, are you happy with her? Why did you choose her? And how could you love her when you were supposed to be loving me? After everything we had, everything we went through, everything i gave you... how could you throw it away like that! I think of you every day, do you think of me? Do you miss me? Do you miss us? I don't know if i still love you. I think i've upgraded my idea of love. Love doesn't hurt people, it doesn't cheat, it doesn't lie and desert. Don't dare say you love me... You don't even know what love is. I hope she breaks your heart like you broke mine. Or better yet, i hope you wake up one day and realize that you had it all, and lost it, and will never get it back. I don't think i'll ever see you again.

March 28, 2014

I'm back in a kind of angry phase.

I'm angry that you gave up. I mean, I understand that the very fact that you did signifies that we shouldn't be together because of your unwillingness to tackle any challenges to our relationship, but it still angers me. It angers me because I would never have given up on us. I would have worked as hard as I could to repair anything and everything. I know I couldn't fix everything, you needed to work too. It just hurts that you were in such a different place that it was easier for you to give up on us. I really enjoyed what we had when we had it, and I know that you did too for a long while.

Relationships are confusing. Why is it that two people can be in such different places? Why didn't I realize it sooner?

I know I will find someone else. I know you will too, probably sooner. I hope that for both of us it works out that next time we're in a relationship as long as this one was. ****'s too difficult to want to do it again for so long only to have it fail.

I love you

Have a good weekend. Tell your family I miss them.

March 28, 2014

ah why is that mind my is tricking me. Why can't my mind let it go of my ex. Why is that my mind trying to do everything just to talk to her again. why can't i let it go. G, please give me break. I did break NC again, i needed to apology. And after that my mind went crazy. I did analyze the text what it meant and what I could. But I know it was nothing. My pain is not that strong anymore but i feel a emptiness. where I'm trying to avoid but I can't. I have to face the pain and look at it and feel it. I hope everything will be ok. BC i don't know if I can manage the pain anymore. It seem to it is easier to give up..... but i don't know.... I just miss you....................

March 28, 2014

Hi K

I haven't stopped thinking about you.

I can't stop crying.

I miss the times we've shared. I miss the silly things we would do together. I miss cuddling at night and saying I love you to each other before sleep. I miss waking up to you in the morning when you'd give me a huge smile.

I miss our adventures while traveling.

Your song was on the radio in the car today, it reminded me of the road trips we had, the crazy sing a longs and direction disagreements.

I miss you coming in from football and having a moan about the other team.

I even miss out little arguments over silly things.

Where did we go wrong?

I love you with all my heart, if only you could see how much I'm hurting

X

March 28, 2014

I just want you to be happy and if that's without me then fine, ill respect that

You was the only thing that made me happy though and I miss you so much. I haven't truly been happy for the past six months, that's because I've not heard you tell me you love me, you've not hugged me, kissed me, touched me. Just don't know where we went wrong. We was happy. But if your happier without me then I can't change that. I can only just step away and leave you to it

I love you so much ******

Forever and always baby

(I meant that when I said it when we was together, I guess you didn't)

March 29, 2014

You b*tch, why did you break NC?

It's only been a week, since you ended it and to be honest, I was making great progress.

It's almost like you knew I was talking to new girls or something. It's weird how the world works like that. Now instead of me being excited about meeting new people and moving on from our break up, you just had to whip me back into the tornado of over thinking.

Worst part is, I still love you and care about you a lot. It's just you broke up with me, so I expect you to move on, be more emotionally checked out than I am. But it seems to be the total opposite. I have never broke NC, and you do every time. I know you still miss me, but we know we are not meant to be together right now.

So stop calling me or I will block you. And please lets both move on with our lives

March 30, 2014

My Rose. It's been almost a month since you left me...I guess after 7 years, after being engaged and setting our life plans out together it's going to take a little more than one measly month to get past this.

Yet I think I am, slowly.

Last night I had the most ANGRY dream. I came to your new apartment, looking to you for help. It's so strange, but looking back - I realise now that you never really came through for me. I always felt disappointed and yet unsurprised. When I needed you last, when I was stuck at the airport with no way to get home...

you were'nt there for me. I had to bribe a taxi driver in a foreign country to take me to yours.

When my parents disowned me for moving out and living with you...you weren't always there for me.

But whenever you had a problem. Whenever there was a struggle, I came to you. I helped you, cradled you, loved you...

I'm so angry looking back. You used to give, you used to love me. The last year, my GOD the last year has been nothing but me. I see that now. I see how far you slipped back to your old self, your childish self.

But I'm growing now Rose. I'm growing and I'm stronger...so what are you? I don't know exactly. I don't want to know. You ran in to the arms of some other guy the minute you threw me out of the door. I hate you for that. I will always hate you for that.

March 30, 2014

I'm sorry.

April 1, 2014

I thought I was over you, but curiosity just left me hurting myself.

I hate you and your success, success I had helped you nurture and support. I should have been more selfish. I should have not been there for you, and taken those opportunities instead of giving them to you as a selfless act while asking nothing in return.

I saw your profile and I knew I shouldn't have. But surprisingly, you seemed much more less attractive.

I am not doing well. But I want you and myself to believe I am once I get over this rut. I am lost, thanks to my lack of selfishness and my focus on you. I should've taken the golden rule for lifeguarding: make sure you can swim before you save another. Otherwise, she'll end up drowning you.

April 1, 2014

I need to cry today. Just cry and cry. I would feel better for it

April 1, 2014

Can anyone tell me why I have a red dot?

April 1, 2014

Hey,

I am really dreading/getting anxious/depressed about the fact that I'm going to be in the town we used to live in together, in the apartment we used to live in together, to get all of my stuff the day after tomorrow. Luckily I found a friend who is picking me up at the airport, so it isn't quite as depressing as taking a taxi. But still, it is going to be rough. We have lots of memories at that airport, whether you were picking me up, I was picking you up, or we were picking up your mom. I miss your mom. She is an amazing lady. Did you know she sent me a message telling me she really wishes I could have been her son-in-law, like the plan was for the past year? It was sweet of her, but also kind of depressing for me.

But anyway, I was doing pretty well for the most part, but this is the lowest low in a while. Picturing myself in our/your apartment, getting all of my things. It really is the last nail in the coffin. Which is good, I can really start healing once I don't have contact of any kind with you, which will no longer be necessary once I get my stuff. But still, it is going to hurt. Saying goodbye to Chloe will hurt the most, probably (other than saying goodbye to you, of course). It sucks that a dog has to get mixed up in this. At least with you, you know, there is some kind of closure and you are the one who created this future and so on, me not seeing the dog is just a consequence. I'll miss her. You used to say that we were like a little family. You made me that calendar for while I am here that is supposed to be from her point of view, you remember? There is one part that says she can't wait for me to marry you. I wonder when you stopped feeling like we were that little family.

Anyways, I'm really upset right now. I kind of miss you, but mostly what I feel right now is just hurt. I can't believe you did what you did. I can't believe the same woman I proposed to early last summer, the same woman who told me she would never stop loving me, had an emotional affair. It just hurts. I know you tried to avoid the situation, and once it happened we should have given up. But still. I can't imagine developing feelings for someone else, the way I felt about you. The way I still feel, unfortunately. It just hurts to imagine. I keep wondering if you are already dating him, but I bet if you are it is on the DL because all of your friends/co-workers/family loved me and thought I was the best guy ever, and they would probably think you were a huge douche if you dumped me and went public with a new guy within a few weeks.

I hope that I can manage to keep myself composed during my intercontinental flight.

I love you. I always will.

April 2, 2014

You don't want me any more. 'We're better as friends', you say.

I'm numb. I spent a whole year on myself, preparing myself to be a better me for you and you're done. You loved me like nothing else and I didn't know better at the time than to make you mine.

I'm so, so gutted. I honestly believed and felt there was still a future, that we would never lose our connection. But it's gone.

Getting back in touch has been both incredibly good and achingly bad.

A sad end. I love you.

April 2, 2014

The person I see now is not the same person I have known for the last 27 years, you are somebody else. If I could be granted one wish, just one, I'd wish I could relive the last 24 hours we had together when you were you, the woman I knew and loved. I miss you baby

April 2, 2014

Can anyone tell me why I have a red dot?

It means you are online (logged into this website).

April 2, 2014

I am getting on the first plane to fly back to the U.S. in just a few hours. I really am dreading having to come get my stuff from your apartment. I am wishing that I had arranged a moving company or something to do it, but I can't really afford that and it is probably too late now. I really worry that being in our (now your) apartment is going to really destroy all the work I've done healing. But, I guess if it does I know that within a week or so I will more or less be fully functional -- still sad most of the day, but functional. That won't be too bad I guess.

I also have an illogical worry that you will be there, even though you promised me you wouldn't be. But we both know that you are a little bit forgetful and unreliable. Two traits of yours that I don't miss so much. Please don't be there though. That would be pretty much the worst thing possible.

I also have a slightly crazy inclination to look around your apartment for any indication that you are spending time with that guy. But I'm going to try to resist that, that would be a little over crazy. Plus, it doesn't really matter if you are spending time with him. You are free to do as you wish and so am I.

It is just hard because I love you so much.

April 3, 2014

So many young women treat life as a constant status update. It's as if they're more concerned with how their lives look than how their lives feel.

Hope that on your journey you learn to truly live and that you find happiness, even if its not with me. Home is where the heart is, you taught me that after all.

April 3, 2014

It's been a long time since I talked to you. I'm sure you have forgotten me by now because I have all but forgotten you. However, this is one small part of me that still remembers and this is the part that misses you.

I can't be angry anymore. The anger has died. I'm not really sad anymore either. Most of the painful feelings have faded and that doesn't even bother me anymore. Still, I miss you.

I'm finally moving into my new place and that does make me a little sad that you aren't around to share it.

It's just so hard to connect the love I felt TO you now.

The unconditional and adoring love I felt towards you was something I felt about you and not something you were the source of. I was the source. Now those feelings aren't connected to you anymore. I see you now for who you really are instead of who I wanted you to be. I can no longer connect those loving feelings to someone who behaved and treated me the way you have since the break up.

The pain is gone and for this I am glad

April 3, 2014

Just a little bit of standing up for myself today.

I'm angry with myself for not standing up to you when I should have. How many times have you said something biting or hurtful and I just let you? Leaving you, and the last 8 or so month of pain following that decision, has been good in that I'm finally learning how to tell someone who makes cutting remarks (like you) that no, they are wrong.

So here's what I should have said back to you. You're wrong. You're wrong, N. I'm not some dumb little girl who needs coaching in the ways of life. We're each figuring it out, and neither of us is better than the other. Like most people, we're finding our way. I think so many of the accusations that you throw at me are done because for you it's easier to be angry at me or to call me immature as a reason for our relationships' failure and your overall life discontent.

At the age of 25, I think I have a hell of a lot more figured out than you did at 26 when we started dating, so I'm not quite sure what your problem is. You always had this incredible talent for painting me in the worst light, even when we were dating "happily". I'm not sure why.

Sigh. The truth is, I just wish you'd have been in my corner at some point, any point. Usually with breakups, I'd like to think, both people learn and realize they made mistakes. I guess I wish you'd acknowledged how ****ty you were to me and wished me well. I wish you understood why I had to leave. Instead, you constructed this demon woman image in your mind. I'll always wish you well - you were my best friend and partner for years, N. I wish you'd let me go lovingly too. That's just closure I'm going to have to accept I'll never get.

I never stood up for myself. I let you blame me for everything. It should come as no surprise that in leaving you, you continue to throw the blame at me.

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