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March 20, 2014

Constantly thinking about you.

I've never missed anyone more than how much I miss you.

Wish we could have made it work.

Wish I was good enough for you.

Hope this pain of craving you goes away soon

March 21, 2014

The bad news. At least for me, the feelings still there. If you're strong you will move on with your life and even have a great relationship. Yet all it takes is one dream of that person and you will be hanging from one finger, fighting between the urge to know about that person and knowing that doing something about it is to throw away your dignity and self-respect.

Dignity and self-respect are what keep me from getting in touch with him after 3 years since the last time I talked to him. 3 years preceded by a 7 year long relationship. Never felt the same for anyone else even though I currently live with someone. I used to be a romantic girl who wrote poems, daydream, enjoy music and all that kind of stuff. The only dream remaining now is the empty dream of financial success so I can focus on doing something of value before I die. All these years I didn't think of him, deleted all evidence of a past with him and even my memories are fading after years of not being recalled. But I can't control the random dream where every little detail is right and vivid. Your heart beats like you forgot that it could and you realize you are a dead person that has been granted a moment of life. And that moment of life is a dream of a person who doesn't love you. It is unfair and irrational and you might go through it and I want you to know you're not the only one.

I saw a picture of him.. the only one I have access to if I go as far as being stalker which I admit I have been the last days. What is it about this person that start this chemical reaction that overpower me? I am convinced this is no different from any other addiction not only psychological but physical. Maybe some primitive and unknown biological mechanism that let you choose your perfect DNA match to enhance the human race? I can't find any other explanation but me being setup by my body through my heart. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize something I don't understand or see clearly. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes I understand but I'm never clear as what should I say if I ever talk to him again. I hate to think that I will keep on living without being cured from this addiction knowing that the urge is as strong as the first day. Perhaps I should treat this as an addiction. I wish you good luck on your journey. A very helpful tool for me is this: Write everything you feel no matter how long it takes you. Once is out of you the urge diminish and perhaps you will live to see another day.

March 21, 2014

Please I don't need to call you. I don't want this urge. Please go away. Ah I need to get out from this desolate place, and I can't dewell on thoughts. But I really want to call you and just say him how going and I just want to know. And I know I can't. Please let go

March 21, 2014

It has been a week since you left me and a week since any contact other than the date/time I will be by to pick up my things.

I miss you every day, but I actually think the fact that we haven't been living together for most of the last year while I've been over here has made things easier. It wasn't the norm for me to be around you and physically being with you every day, only to talk to you every day, so in some ways the shock I am experiencing is not as extreme.

But I really miss talking to you. I always loved talking to you, it was one of my favorite things about us. Do you remember when we first started flirting or whatever over that Winter Break a few years ago when I was out of town, and we would talk for 5-6 hours straight on the phone and not even realize it? Our first few weeks together after I got back in town involved talking and being together until really in the morning, and we messed up our sleep schedules pretty bad that Winter Break. We are both so weird, and always talked about such wide-ranging things. Even up until the end we could talk for hours about what we did that day, the shows we were watching together, our families, philosophy, our future together... I mean, we just talked, and we could forever. Obviously our great conversations couldn't keep us together, but it was nice. I am glad we had that wonderful time together. I hope I find that again somewhere. I hope you find it too. I can't imagine you being with a guy who doesn't like to talk.

Now I don't talk to you at all. I realized after about 36 hours that it was the longest I have ever gone without talking to you in over three years. It is pretty crazy we never went that long before. It is hard, but I know it is for the best. I would most definitely be back at square one if we had one of our old wonderful conversations, and square one was a pretty awful few days. I do kind of hope that some day, maybe in a year or more, we can be friends again. Even then though, I don't think we'll be having those kinds of conversations ever again.

The pain is still here, but it isn't crippling anymore, which is good because I have a lot of research to do.

I love you. I always will. I hope you're doing ok.

March 21, 2014

I know we won't work bc you haven't changed..and I haven't changed.

Last weekend w/you was the most amazing weekend I've ever had. It was truly like a dream.

Now the high is wearing off and I'm back to looking at my phone to see if you txt me. This is the sh*t that I knew I couldn't avoid but forged ahead to reconnect with you anyways. We both have an unhealthy obsession with each other.

I'm falling back in line with myself again.

Let's ease off...let the memory of last weekend fade..and resume living well, single, and in charge of our emotions.

March 21, 2014

Why won't you speak to me just once? Don't I deserve that, didn't I earn that?

I loved you. Wait, I still freaking love you. I treat you overall like gold, like a princess. I was always loyal to you. I tried my level best to do what I could to make you happy.

You take off and break my heart into about 5 million pieces and you won't even talk to me once? That's all I've asked for. Just one honest, adult, mature conversation. I'm not even sure what happened.I'm not expecting you to hold my hand for life.

So you don't love me anymore? You don't want to be with me anymore? Alright, fine, but you can't just walk away without a word. I can't force you to be with me but I think I at least deserve some empathy and respect from you. I would never, ever, treat you like this.

How can you sit there in indifference when you know I'm hurting? How can you be so cruel to me? Have you really convinced yourself it was all bs like you claim?

To think that I've been in the blackest pit of despair for months now and I'm pretty sure you don't even think or care about me. How did it come to this, how can you be so icy? Where is the person I thought I knew?

March 21, 2014

Today should have been our special day... not only is it my birthday, it should have been our 6 month anniversary.

BUt hey you decided to end it with me after you lead me on for a month. Making me think that you were going to give me another chance. You are so going to regret this decision.... best of luck with the rest of your life, I know you lost someone special in me.

I dont even know if I will take you back if you wanted to get back together..

I told you I am out of your life for good... I dont even expect a happy birthday from you...

I know your thinking about me right now... this break up is proabably harder on you than it is on me.

March 21, 2014

Why won't you speak to me just once? Don't I deserve that, didn't I earn that?

I loved you. Wait, I still freaking love you. I treat you overall like gold, like a princess. I was always loyal to you. I tried my level best to do what I could to make you happy.

You take off and break my heart into about 5 million pieces and you won't even talk to me once? That's all I've asked for. Just one honest, adult, mature conversation. I'm not even sure what happened.I'm not expecting you to hold my hand for life.

So you don't love me anymore? You don't want to be with me anymore? Alright, fine, but you can't just walk away without a word. I can't force you to be with me but I think I at least deserve some empathy and respect from you. I would never, ever, treat you like this.

How can you sit there in indifference when you know I'm hurting? How can you be so cruel to me? Have you really convinced yourself it was all bs like you claim?

To think that I've been in the blackest pit of despair for months now and I'm pretty sure you don't even think or care about me. How did it come to this, how can you be so icy? Where is the person I thought I knew?

I'm sorry... I know how it feels cause I went through it.. 3 years later still don't know what happened. It will get easier but the question will always be there in the back of your mind

March 21, 2014

I miss you, ring me so we can catch up

March 22, 2014

I'm not doing so well today.

I realized that you were pretty much my biggest supporter in life and kind of a comfort blanket for me. For almost three years I was always thinking "Even if I fail at X, she still loves me." Now the second part isn't true anymore. I failed to make you happy for reasons you couldn't explain, and now you aren't "IN love" with me anymore. I've never understood the difference between love and "in love", I'm pretty sure it was just invented as a way of making people who break up feel better. Just say you don't love me anymore. But anyway, now if I fail at something, or need encouragement, I don't have you to give it to me. You were always good at encouraging me. Do you remember how scared/anxious/worried I was to come here? You convinced me to come. Who is going to push me over those humps now?

I got closer to you then I have ever gotten to anyone.

I don't know how it is fair that up until the end I was still falling more in love with you every day, even as you were going the other way. I still had butterflies in my stomach every time we talked, and especially when I saw you. I was counting down the days until April 3rd, because we were going to spend three great weeks together, visiting my family, looking at wedding venues, and just being together. Now April 3rd is the day I have to get my things from my apartment. The day I have to say goodbye to our little dog that I love so much. The last day I will ever be in our apartment that we shared together. It is crazy how the emotions signified by thinking about a date can change in an instant.

I wish you had told me sooner. Maybe we could have worked on it better if you had told me sooner instead of hiding it. Maybe we'd still be together if you'd told me sooner. Maybe you would still be my future, instead of this new uncertainty. I know you though maybe it would just go away. But you should have told me.

I know I need to move on, and I'm trying. But today I can't focus on anything. The other days I could focus on my work or something, but today I just don't care about it. Why does it matter? I'm completely apathetic about everything but you. I wouldn't take you back even if you decided you wanted to be with me, not without a very very strong promise from you that this wouldn't happen again, but I can't mourn this great loss. You are a great person who really improved who I was, and I need to try to continue to be that person, even without you.

It is torture not knowing what is going in your life, after always knowing for three years. I wish there was some way I could get a look into your life while avoiding seeing anything that might hurt me, but also knowing that you feel the same in some ways. That being together was good for both of us while it lasted. You told me that in our last conversation, but I just wish I knew what you were thinking about me. If you are thinking about me.

I hope today is just an off day.

Love you always.

March 22, 2014

Oh My God I miss being in a relationship. I miss being loved by someone.

March 23, 2014

It’s so hard to let go,

When you mean the world to me

Yet the twinkles in your eyes keep shooting stars across the skies

I’ll miss you, love.

March 23, 2014

I just want a man, any man who won't disappoint me. All the hurt, all the tears , all the pain I wanna believe that there's good in people especially men. 8 months later and you're getting married. I guess you've definitely moved on and have stopped thinking and feeling anything for me in awhile already.

March 23, 2014

Need to hear from you so bad. This is the longest we've gone without speaking.

Just please contact me

March 23, 2014

I am doing much better today after a pretty rough weekend. I think I just needed the distraction of my daily life. Even though I was getting stuff done at home, there was still too much time to think and too much time to miss you. Today I was pretty much busy/occupied from 8 to 8. This is the first time I've really sat down and thought about you for more than a minute all day.

I wish you the best, and truly hope you're happier now than you were the last few months we were together. I know you tried really hard to make it work, and I thank you for that. It means that, even if your feelings were waning, I meant something to you and what we were meant something to you, and you really wanted it back. Unfortunately feelings tend not to work that way, huh?

Love you

March 24, 2014

Love you... Forever and always

March 24, 2014

I love you.

I used to tell that to you every day. You probably heard it from me every day for about two years.

Now you haven't heard it for a week and a half. Now you'll never hear it again. But I still have to get it out some how. It is hard loving someone and not being able to tell them, in a way. But I guess you know I do, so it doesn't really matter. Plus, you don't feel the same anymore, so I doubt you think about it anyway.

But yeah, I just wanted to say that I love you. I always will.

March 24, 2014

I’m shot in the lungs, I gasp, I can’t breathe

Just lay here with me, baby, hold me please

I grasp, you can't leave

Please stay here with me, baby, hold me please

And I'd beg and I'd plead, drop to knees

And I'd cry and I'd scream, "Baby, please don't leave!"

but you left and you took everything I had left

And left nothing, nothing for me

So please don't wake me from this dream, baby

We're still together in my head

And you're still in love with me

'Til I woke up to discover that that dream was dead

And I thank you cause you made me a better person than I was

But I hate you cause you drained me

And after all is said and done

I'm still angry, yeah, I may be

I may never trust someone

March 25, 2014

So tempted to reach out tonight. Not sure what I would even say or ask. I think mostly I would be looking to see if you felt regret or remorse now that time has passed with NC. And yes, this is the longest we have went without speaking or being around each other.

I second guess myself sometimes. I know there were many things I did wrong despite my effort and good intentions. There are situations that come to mind that I know I hurt you or fought with you and I took it for granted I wasn't going to lose you.

Another thought that occurs to me is that I know you still care about me regardless if you want me anymore or not. You proved that you cared when you paid me back long after things had ended between us. Does it ever trouble you that you can't check up on me and see how I'm doing? Do you ever wish that we could simply talk as friends who meant so much to each other? Do you ever regret that you burned bridges between us that can never be undone? Do you ever second guess your rash judgment and the ensuing decisions?

I know that I definitely look back and wonder what happened between us. When I start wishing you would call or visit I simply remember how I felt when I've seen you in places I didn't want to see you with people I didn't want to see you with and then I remember how at one time those things would have been unimaginable to me and once again it becomes clear to me how much things have changed and that I choose neither to be with you or trust you again.

March 25, 2014

I am feeling some anger about everything this morning, which is the first time I have since everything happened. You know how rare it is for me to be angry, so that should mean something. At the same time, I realize it is kind of unfair of me, because I'm not even angry about the break-up, I'm angry about things you said to me about a month before it because of the false sense of security they put me in.

You remember, about 5 or 6 weeks ago when the moment you got put in the hospital and I flew across the country to be at your bedside. I went directly from an intercontinental flight to spending 3 nights in the hospital taking care of you. Then, after you got out of the hospital, I stayed until you felt better and did everything for you. You kept telling me how much you loved me, how well I took care of you in your time of need, how you are glad that you are marrying me because it is clear how much I care/how I will always be there for you and so on.

You dumped me 4 weeks later. I knew we had problems before that, and I would have probably continued to be wary if not for that visit and the things you said to me. I know you were sick and everything so I shouldn't put much stock in it, but last night is the first time where I thought of the juxtaposition of the last time I saw you in person and what you ended up doing to our relationship. How could those two things happen so close together? I know it doesn't really matter, but it is hard for me to wrap my head around your decision when I think about my last visit.

Plus, the last time I saw you naked was to give you a pre-surgical disinfectant bath. That's just not fair. Ok, that part is (mostly) a joke.

I love you. And I'll probably never stop.

March 25, 2014

Need to get over you

Wish you would tell me how you managed to get over me so quick so I could do the same to you

Miss you

Love you

March 25, 2014

**** you for breaking my heart. you're a ****ing idiot but guess what? I'm not even mad at you, nope. I am mad at myself for believing all the bull**** lies that you told me and for thinking that you were the one. **** that!

you caused me so much pain in the last two years but you know what? ha, you will get all of that back because there is this thing called karma. yup, thats right mother****er. you will get all the pain that you caused me right back. and i wont even feel sorry for you. nope.

You make me so upset, i just wanna scream at you and break ****.

you are a ****ing idiot. dont you dare come back to me once you realize how much I really loved you. **** that. once im done im done.

At least you downgraded. Makes me feel a little better about this. Even though it makes me mad at that same time. What happened to your standards? All of a sudden you go after some chick that is a single mom to three kids? Excuse me but you do not have what it takes to be a dad.

Good luck with that one, Im sure its gonna work out real well for ya two or should I say five? ha, go **** yourself.

March 25, 2014

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]3/25/14-Instead of contacting you, I will write you what I would say to you if I could… I love you with all my heart. I will always be a work in progress, but feel I have accomplished so much, and for that I am proud. I am a better person. I just wish I could share that with you. I would like to share our lives again, and see how our lives would unfold. I miss you terribly. I often wonder if you think of me. I honestly don’t think you do very often. I think you have removed me from you life as well as most of your thoughts. I think days go by without me entering you mind. That hurts. But, I understand that I can’t control it. I can’t control anything but my reactions. I can’t even control my feelings. Deep down, beyond the pain, I want you to be happy, and I now know it is not with me. You replaced me Renee. You replaced us all. You did what would make you happy. I would do the same, if I only thought that would make me happy. But, it won’t. I am still in love with you honey. I probably love you more today than any other day, and I will probably love you more tomorrow. I don’t have any resentment towards you, though thinking back, I do think things could have been handled in a way that we could have at least tried to make it work in the long run. Even if it was a separation until you felt safe. But, you didn’t want that, and I have to respect that. I have told you goodbye hundreds of times, but that is just my self respect talking. My heart doesn’t want to say goodbye. But, for myself, for me this time, I have to make myself believe it. I can’t keep going back to you, going back to the pathetic person I was, begging and pleading for you. I know I am a good person and I am worthy of you. You can’t take that away from me. You can and have taken you love away but you can’t take away ME, and what I am, and what I have become, and what I will continue to become. Because that is me. Me, separate from you. I will love you until I die, but I will no longer allow myself to be a victim in a victimless crime. I would like that one day you would love me again, but I don’t hold onto hope anymore. I just can’t… for my growth, I have let go of hope. I just can’t let go of the love. [/sIZE][/FONT]

March 25, 2014

I miss you A LOT tonight. Like, probably the most since the first few days after you left me.

I made the mistake of stopping and thinking about the fact that we were so so close just a few weeks ago, and now we never talk. We'll never be that close again, even if we can be friends in a year or something. I worry some that I will never bond with anyone quite like that -- of course in the end, it was a one-sided bond. So even if I don't, if I can get pretty close and the person always feels the same then that is probably a better deal.

It is just such a big loss in my life. Losing you. I know it was for the best, and I don't want you back or want you to change your mind, but I am definitely struggling/will continue to struggle with coping with that loss.

You were everything to me. Now you're nothing.

I just know I can't stop loving you.

March 27, 2014

So tempted to reach out to you tonight. Not sure why. Maybe it's because the process of finding someone new seems daunting or maybe it's because some random memory of you popped into my head. I know that it's over. I know that you don't miss me anymore. I know that you have moved on. I just want what I had with you so badly. I know it has to be with someone new now and that scares me. I'm scared because I did so many things right with you and we had a good relationship with some minor ups and downs as can be expected in any relationship and yet it still didn't work out. What hope does any relationship have if a very good one didn't make it?

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