Post here instead of contacting your ex!

March 2, 2014

I actually enjoyed my day today until I had to speak with you.

Despite all of your criticisms of me being the same, when I heard the way you spoke to me today I felt like I'd been attacked. It's not what you said, it's how you said it.

Your anger towards me I can't fully understand. While I do appreciate the reason for it, I can't comprehend why it seems so strong and bitter.

Despite my behaviours I've loved you more than you could have ever known. I've tried to do things for you to make your life easier, but I really don't think that you've appreciated those efforts.

Why did you have to break up with me and not proceed with couples' counselling? I would and will change, but I feel hurt thinking that there is no chance to properly repair the past.

We promised our lives to each other. My promise stands.

Frankly, I'm offended when you tell me that you stayed in the relationship for so long because of your wedding vows. The reason is that I've finally clicked to what's wrong with me and I'm working to fix it. I regret that this didn't happen sooner, but it has happened and you've dismissed it.

I know that you've mocked my efforts. I've seen some of your text messages, and I'm hurt that you and my brother have done this together. Recovery is big and hard; harder when you're abandoned by your life partner. Yes, abandoned. I'm not going to let it slide when you say that you tried all you could. You just didn't. By not giving me that final chance, you didn't.

The fact is that I'm a great dad and I can be a great husband, but only if I get a chance. You seem to think that you're the only one who has struggled with my depression. Well, I've got news for you. It's horrific for me.

You say that you hate how rude I've been to your family and friends. I hate that too, but what I also hate is the paranoia that comes with my depression. I don't like feeling badly about anyone, and when I'm rude I usually see some kind of threat. It's not been rational, I'll admit, but that's mental illness, a mental illness that I'm finally starting to get under control, after all of these years.

So you know what? I'm angry at you. Despite everything that you say about having stayed around for longer than you should, you ran out on me. You've hurt me and you continue to hurt me.

Yes, I've not been good for a long time, but I've not been bad at all. Now I am seriously becoming a better man. You can love this man. I wish that you would.

Despite what people say about moving on, I'll always be here for you.

Although I've been told that I should only pray for God's will, I will pray that we will reunite. I'll pray that our son will live in one home with both parents. If my prayers don't work then I'll have to deal with it.

For now though, I can't go on missing you every moment of the day. I've got bigger issues on my plate, like finding an income. I need to get a job and get back on my feet. I can't rise with thoughts of you weighing me down.

My prayers, then, will also be for the strength and peace that is needed to let you go.

March 2, 2014

Today, for the first time in my life, I didn't call a man when I'd said I would. Not because I was being a wuss, bitch, or snob, nor was I playing games. In fact it broke my heart not to call. It was simply that I had to know when to walk away. I never ever wanted things to end this way, and never could i have ever imagined that things would end this way. But once again, I've been left to accept that I've been ****ed over in the most unspectacular of ways. And so I have learnt my lesson.

March 3, 2014

Beautiful

I can't talk to you about us, and while I accept that it is so very difficult not to.

I have no idea why my life is how it is. I know how much I love you. I know how much I want to have a loving relationship with you. I am shocked that you don't feel this way about me any more.

I feel like a pathetic creature. There's no way to tell what sort of professional future I might have where we live. We both know that I shouldn't commute to the big city, but I doubt that there will be any other option but to do that.

I am intimitated and scared by your strong mind and your determination to implement your decisions. In this case that means to divorce. Great. Not what I want at all, but it's what I have to bear.

Can you see any improvement in me at all? I feel that it's there. Unfortunately, unless I get the work stuff sorted out I can't see how my recovery can move ahead ad pace, and I certainly can't see how you might become interested in me again.

There's much to do in the world, but I find it so hard to make myself do any of it. You have consumed me. As for work, I have no passion. I want to feel joyous about a job. I want to feel happy about my work. I want some happiness in my life other than seeing our son.

I love you and want to work on us with you. I feel so powerless that I can't do that.

I feel hopeless on all fronts right now.

March 3, 2014

I don't want to argue, quiz or beg with you, I don't care about that.

I've been NC six months. I knew you eight years and it's very strange the feeling I have now.

I feel out of touch with someone I knew more than anyone else in my life. It feels weird knowing you're out there going your separate path and I'll never see you again.

March 3, 2014

We gave each other our hearts. We loved so deeply. It's been 7 months since you left. I feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed to say it, but I'm not over you yet. I dream of you and think of you often. Not as often as I used to, but it sure is hard letting you go. No prior relationship made me feel as complete as you did. I really believed that we'd be together forever. I tried my best to treat you well and love you and lead you, yet to this day I am left wondering what went wrong. You left so suddenly. My darling, sweetheart, my love, I miss you. But I shouldn't think of you that way anymore. You're gone.

March 4, 2014

Today is your birthday and I won't contact you just like I didn't on Christmas

You left I thought I couldn't live without you, I can.

I dont remember how old you're turning and I used to know every little fact about you but now I can't seem to remember your age, ha how odd.

I think im gonna be fine

March 4, 2014

P,

I don't know how many other ways to say it...

I never asked you to be on the same page as me emotionally. I know that you are not where I am, and I've never said that I wouldn't accept anything less. I wasn't ever "settling" for less - I wanted you, just the way you are, imperfections, turmoil, and all. I still do.

If you're not ready for the full emotional range, then you're not ready, and you may never be ready. That's not falling short - that's showing true inner strength in wanting to rebuild, and I was willing to be, wanted to be, and still would be if you would have me, by your side during that process, no matter the timeline - loving and providing strength to you, emotionally and spiritually.

I've always told you that I would never walk away from us during your healing process, even if you didn't/couldn't feel a particular way. Me loving you, and you not being where I am, was not wrong - it's who we were, and who we are right now.

I'm sorry that you felt that your only recourse was to turn away from your feelings, and from us. That hurts so much, and I don't know how long it will take me to move forward from it.

"What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do"

I will miss your voice, your smile, your kiss, and your loving arms wrapped around me. I was so happy having you as part of my life, and I thought that you felt the same.

You know where I am if you need to reach me.

-M

March 5, 2014

I didn't respect myself back in April and May.

How could I?

I felt worthless. I couldn't get a new job, the job I busted ass for was a scam, the job I had abused me whenever I tried to stand up for myself, and I felt like I was responsible for someone else's death.

No wonder your feelings faded. I didn't respect myself, so you couldn't respect ME.

Ugh.

March 5, 2014

Hi,

I saw you pulling out of your dads on fri and waited to pull up to you to talk. Time froze and as I reached to roll down my window you took off. Me not responding to your emails and attempts was because I was not ready to talk to you. I still am not but when I saw you I wanted to do the right thing so I waited for you for us to speak and pulled up and waited for you to approach. Your emails about being concerned and wanting to know how I am were nothing more than words. That is obvious now. If you really did care you would not of ran away when the opportunity arose.

This has been very hard on me, you dont even know. You may not of ever loved me or felt anything but I did. I loved you very much, still do. The pain caused by doing what you did, how you did and when you did was horrible and you should be ashamed of yourself to do that to someone who you supposedly loved. You never loved me, it was all a lie and I know that now but I know I did. I did more than I have ever anyone and thats what makes this so hard for me even still to this day my heart and soul are shattered as I grieve losing what I never had and thought I did. I thought you would always be by my side, my best friend, my love......

March 5, 2014

I didn't respect myself back in April and May.

How could I?

I felt worthless. I couldn't get a new job, the job I busted ass for was a scam, the job I had abused me whenever I tried to stand up for myself, and I felt like I was responsible for someone else's death.

No wonder your feelings faded. I didn't respect myself, so you couldn't respect ME.

Ugh.

Tough love time. Please don't hate me. Especially if I am wrong.

but I don't think you are ever going to be able to truly heal until and unless you truly understand how much fault she bears, too, for the relationship's demise.

You weren't getting what you needed. She wasn't letting you open up and truly talk to her and she wasn't giving you the definite signals you needed to see from her that it would be okay for you too, for you to be able to.

This is her fault and something she could have chosen to give you.

She could have chosen to be there for you and give you what you needed to be able to work it out with time. She CHOSE not to invest the time and effort to do so.

You have a right to be angry for this. You have a right to be upset.

I am not saying that you should dwell in these states. But I think you need to acknowledge the feelings, express them, and release them. Otherwise she's going to be stuck up on that pedestal for eons and you will be stuck in purgatory.

Time to get out of purgatory. She could have chosen to work with you.

She didn't.

I am sorry. It is truly crappy and it truly sucks, Pfenix. And I wish you'd had someone who would have.

But it is time to stop beating yourself up. It is time to acknowledge her fault in this and time to truly begin to move forward, so that when you are ready and if you want to, you can find someone who WILL be there for you!

March 6, 2014

Can we talk?

March 6, 2014

Tough love time. Please don't hate me. Especially if I am wrong.

You're not wrong.

The problem is, as I continue to move further from the depression and anxiety that caused the breakup, that created the weakness that she found so unappealing, I can see my faults with greater clarity.

I allow myself 15-30 minutes a day to feel crappy about it. My will-power slips sometimes, but I come here to deal with it.

I've learned that everyone has a "saturation point". Once you cross that threshold, they can no longer tolerate the behavior that's turning them off or creating a rift in the relationship.

It's a shame - I never thought that being weak, wussy, unmanly, or unattractive for awhile could ruin love. It's a harsh lesson I needed to learn, so I can thank the universe for teaching me.

March 6, 2014

You're not wrong.

The problem is, as I continue to move further from the depression and anxiety that caused the breakup, that created the weakness that she found so unappealing, I can see my faults with greater clarity.

I allow myself 15-30 minutes a day to feel crappy about it. My will-power slips sometimes, but I come here to deal with it.

I've learned that everyone has a "saturation point". Once you cross that threshold, they can no longer tolerate the behavior that's turning them off or creating a rift in the relationship.

It's a shame - I never thought that being weak, wussy, unmanly, or unattractive for awhile could ruin love. It's a harsh lesson I needed to learn, so I can thank the universe for teaching me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. :-)

Pfenix, you're killing me here.

You are just bound and determined to learn the wrong lesson from this. And I don't know how to point you to the path to learn the right one!

I mean I can sit here and tell you until I am blue in the face that the right woman for you would have given you the solid assurance that you needed, that it was alright for you to share what you needed to with her (which, you even admitted you needed some and because of her own issues, she couldn't give it), but that the right woman WOULDN"T be driven away by you showing vulnerability.

And in fact, that difficulty you were having, that vulnerability could have (if she would have given you the signals--and I am sure she knew that you needed some--that it was safe to share with her) brought you two closer together.

Please don't learn the lesson that you have to hide yourself, and everything that is true about yourself that isn't all bright, fun, and shiny. Because that is so the wrong lesson to learn.

How do I help you get to the path to learn the lesson that you really need to learn from this? What can I do? because you deserve a woman who will BE there for you when you need her, and not push you away and leave you drifting helplessly (essentially, what she actually did!).

March 7, 2014

I found four ladybugs in the window of the house I was cleaning today.

I let them crawl on my hand and tickle me before I released them in the flower bushes. Anyway, I thought of you. Do you remember the picture I sent you of the ladybugs crawling all over my hand?

I miss you!!!! Do you miss me?

Sleep well baby! xoxox

March 7, 2014

Titanic is on TV. Your favorite movie. We probably watched it 100 times together. Remember when we were in Las Vegas and I took you to the Titanic Exhibit? I miss those times with you. You are still on my mind. That message you sent me the other night about you missing me really set me back a little. It is hard that I cannot text you back. I want to. But I dont think it would be the right thing for me to do - for my own sake. Miss you

March 7, 2014

I am still missing you. But I do not know if you deserve that. You seem to be totally unaware how your actions actually can hurt people. You never learnt to see that or imagine wanting to be there for others, as you want to be alone when having problems. Still I cant loose that freaking hope. I know that there must happen a miracle to take you back if you would try. I am afraid you would play me that trick again. I also got the feeling that you do not understand why I am so silent. It makes me really sad.

March 7, 2014

There wasn't a day that went by in the past two years that I didn't give it my best shot to be my best for you. How could you do this to me? Every single part of me wants to reach out to you and beg me to take you back. I hate what you've done to me but I miss you so much. We always talked about how we would be that couple that made it...the one that worked our problems out and never gave up on each other. You gave up. You gave up on me and you gave up on us. Deep down, I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me. If we don't ever talk again, I hope someday you realize what you lost.

March 7, 2014

Please dont drink and drive, please dont text and drive. Baby our weather sucks so becareful.

March 7, 2014

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. :-)

Pfenix, you're killing me here.

You are just bound and determined to learn the wrong lesson from this. And I don't know how to point you to the path to learn the right one!

I mean I can sit here and tell you until I am blue in the face that the right woman for you would have given you the solid assurance that you needed, that it was alright for you to share what you needed to with her (which, you even admitted you needed some and because of her own issues, she couldn't give it), but that the right woman WOULDN"T be driven away by you showing vulnerability.

And in fact, that difficulty you were having, that vulnerability could have (if she would have given you the signals--and I am sure she knew that you needed some--that it was safe to share with her) brought you two closer together.

Please don't learn the lesson that you have to hide yourself, and everything that is true about yourself that isn't all bright, fun, and shiny. Because that is so the wrong lesson to learn.

How do I help you get to the path to learn the lesson that you really need to learn from this? What can I do? because you deserve a woman who will BE there for you when you need her, and not push you away and leave you drifting helplessly (essentially, what she actually did!).

I agree with Anya. I were on the other side in my new relationship. She was avoidant and got ill. I scared her because I wanted to be there for her. She reacted on me and her situation by suppressing her feelings. She told me she wanted to do it alone as that was how she always has done such things (!). She actually gave me an example of another friend who did the same by concluding that it is actually normal to push people away when having problems and not wanting to tell others about personal things. There is nothing wrong with vulnerability, for me it is actually one of the most important things. It is easy to be with someone when everything is going smooth. **** those gender-roles and be yourself.

March 7, 2014

What you have done to me this past 3 weeks makes you a coward

How you sat there and watched me build a future for us makes you a liar

The way you have dropped me and my family as though we were nothing makes you cold & heartless

The way your family have manipulated you and controlled you from 12,000 miles away makes you very, very weak

The way you have sat in bed until 11am while I was out working hard for the future you said you wanted makes you a freeloader

At 26 the way you have run back to your family when I have asked you to help me build a future you said you wanted makes you a child

The way you desperately seek your mother and your sisters approval and attention is pathetic

The very fact that at 26 you have nothing but a suitcase full of clothes is sad

At 26 you have no idea what you want in life, what to do in life and wouldn't know what to do if life smacked you around the face is embarrassing

The fact that I said that you could do anything with your life and gave you the tools, support and security to do so, you have run back to you mummy and daddy

You take the easy way out all the time, and think this time it's different when its blatantly the same as you do all the time

You run away when anything gets tough

You never finish anything you start in life, from models, to scrapbooks, to photo albums to relationships.

The way you talk to your family on Facebook was sad and embarrassing

The way you will not cut the apron strings and grow into a women

I fell for a slob, now I'm embarrassed

I fell for a liar

I fell for a dreamer

I fell for a girl, not the women you pretend to be

I fell for a girl that will live in her sisters shadow

I fell for a girl that won't stand on her own 2 feet

I fell for a girl that walks away from responsibility

I fell for a girl who won't work hard

I fell for a girl that gives up at the very first sign of effort

What makes me sad, is that you are moving to the other side of the world tomorrow and for all your faults I still fu.cking love you, the way you have stepped on me and left me to pick up the pieces and answer the questions left I still love you.

The fact that everybody tells me I can do better, including your uk family hurts me like hell

Also that you are moving away tomorrow and I seem to be the only one that gives a ****, everyone else shrugs their shoulders and says, "again"

I believed in you and wanted you to prove everybody wrong, your expected to fail by everyone around you, except me, this makes me sad

I made myself an option in the past, I won't do this again for you

I hope one day you realise the chance I put into your hands and the faith I showed you, I hope you look back and realise what I tried to do was to help you.

I hope you understand the opportunity you just let go of.

I cannot carry you through life, but would have caught you every time you fell

I hope you open your eyes and realise what your family have done was wrong, forget money, material things and even words, their actions were wrong.

I cannot forgive you at this moment in time, I won't apologise for my beliefs and will always stand up for myself and the ones I love.

You have made you bed, now lay in the fu.cker and don't complain to me when the sh.it hits the fan.

You have turned you back on this life and turned your nose up at my family and friends, even though you had nothin and had nobody.

You will be hard work for someone, I was prepared to put the work in.

March 7, 2014

I have to pick myself up and drop myself back into an environment were everything remains apart from you.

Same bed, same friends, same family, same bedroom, same house, same job and same business same truck and same van.

I have to sit in and live around 3 years of memories, this scares the crap out of me.

I had to remove myself form being near you because I promised your family I would not stand in your way if you wanted to leave, I keep my word and can hold my head u for that

Your family started a fight I never wanted, your a possession to them, a trophy.

In all the panic I managed to find somewhere we didn't make too many memories and sat here for 3 weeks, next week I have to face everything, I will face everything.

I know what's coming and it's not very nice, it's dark, lonely and hurts like hell and I will not be able to escape it, it will be tough and it will test me, you couldn't do it, you told me you couldn't do it.

I have to do it, I have no choice

I think next week will be the lowest point in my life, I can't run away, I don't have options, I have responsibilities.

March 8, 2014

XXXXXXXXX, I just want to know what happened.

March 8, 2014

Wrong place.

Edited March 8, 2014 by Itspointless

March 8, 2014

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. :-)

Pfenix, you're killing me here.

You are just bound and determined to learn the wrong lesson from this. And I don't know how to point you to the path to learn the right one!

I mean I can sit here and tell you until I am blue in the face that the right woman for you would have given you the solid assurance that you needed, that it was alright for you to share what you needed to with her (which, you even admitted you needed some and because of her own issues, she couldn't give it), but that the right woman WOULDN"T be driven away by you showing vulnerability.

And in fact, that difficulty you were having, that vulnerability could have (if she would have given you the signals--and I am sure she knew that you needed some--that it was safe to share with her) brought you two closer together.

Please don't learn the lesson that you have to hide yourself, and everything that is true about yourself that isn't all bright, fun, and shiny. Because that is so the wrong lesson to learn.

How do I help you get to the path to learn the lesson that you really need to learn from this? What can I do? because you deserve a woman who will BE there for you when you need her, and not push you away and leave you drifting helplessly (essentially, what she actually did!).

The problem is, specifically, that I didn't open up.

I shouldn't have needed her permission to do so, and I shouldn't have been so worried about how I was affecting her (I was worried that my problems would cause a breakup, and I'm sure those thoughts made me act in a way that made it happen - self fulfilling prophecy and all that due to my insecurity).

Had I just been able to focus on me, act like myself, and open up to her...well things still may have fallen apart, but at least I would've been authentically me. Instead, I became a doormat because I was so down and I just wanted her to keep liking me while I felt like crap.

The lesson I need to learn, the harsh lesson, is to have the willpower to say what I need to, when I need to, no matter how difficult it is.

March 8, 2014

The problem is, specifically, that I didn't open up.

I shouldn't have needed her permission to do so, and I shouldn't have been so worried about how I was affecting her (I was worried that my problems would cause a breakup, and I'm sure those thoughts made me act in a way that made it happen - self fulfilling prophecy and all that due to my insecurity).

Had I just been able to focus on me, act like myself, and open up to her...well things still may have fallen apart, but at least I would've been authentically me. Instead, I became a doormat because I was so down and I just wanted her to keep liking me while I felt like crap.

The lesson I need to learn, the harsh lesson, is to have the willpower to say what I need to, when I need to, no matter how difficult it is.

1) You already knew that she had problems with true intimacy and vulnerability and talking about deep stuff and difficult feelings that really matter.

2) Men have this innate and biological need to protect the women they are close to.

3) Therefore, without the signal from her that you needed to know that you didn't have to protect her from this, especially given 1, I don't see how you could have.

4) Which brings us back to the same thing. You need to find someone who intrinsically makes you feel safe to open up with when you need to, and who is comfortable expressing that it is ok too.

Sign In

Post here instead of contacting your ex!

Recommended Posts

uku383

NomiMalone

uku383

MoooOinkBaaa

Ben00

Omei

blacknoir

Never Again

JunkYardDog

AnyaNova

NomiMalone

Never Again

AnyaNova

LostConfused123

ithappenedagain

Itspointless

Js2493

Saurren

Itspointless

swfc_77

swfc_77

NomiMalone

Itspointless

Never Again

AnyaNova

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...