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February 20, 2014

Karma is a bitch and I hope it bites u in the ass. I hate myself for thinking about u all the time and for still crying for u. Why did u do this to me? Why the need for all the bs and lies? U didn't even bother to apologize after I told u I had found out the truth about u. I can't wait till the day I no longer think about u gets here. Thanks to u I'm damaged.

February 21, 2014

I am fighting really hard not to text. Have so much anger towards her, I hate the person I am because of her...

Stop sending me breadcrumbs, u told me to move on, now your sending me invites to play phone games with you. Just leave me alone, you have done enough

February 21, 2014

I really miss you and I hope you are doing alright. I hope you are happy with your new friends. I hope you are not getting yourself in trouble.

I miss kissing your right cheek. Remember it was my fav way of saying how much I love you?

I always will love you, and I really really hope you will find a guy you will be happy to be with.

As for me, I am not sure what I want in my life now. I don't think I would have stayed with you anyways. So you breaking up with me was a good thing, no matter how painful it was and still is for both of us.

February 21, 2014

Our marriage in the beginning was like a beautiful new house. Adorned with Oak trim, wonderfully crafted Oak staircase and hardwood floors. The fresh paint gleamed with bright colors inside and out. The eaves were deep and and ornate. The foundation was thick, strong and unshakable. The roof was solid and the shingles intact.

We loved our new home we built. It was a place of security, laughter and profound joy. We knew it was right and it was ours together.

Without effort, we came and went, to and fro, in and out of our beloved house. In the mornings, we'd leave, excited to return. Upon returning, we'd admire the rich beauty of our house. We worked hard to keep it looking new, presentable, a wonder to behold.

In time, some things would start to wear, but we were always quickly ready and willing to repair them. We stayed motivated to keep things kept up. We managed this for a long time and were satisfied.

One day, an unexpected storm hit. It tore some shingles off the roof and blew in dust that dulled the paint. But, we weathered that storm and quickly repaired the damage joyfully. Once again, we were proud of our house and continued coming and going.

Sometime later, another unexpected storm came. This one was much stronger than the first. The ornate front was torn from it's hinges, several windows were broken, gutters were removed from the eaves and the roof was weakened. The costs were overwhelming, so we compromised on repairs. Instead of replacing the ornate front door, we hung a plain door. Instead of replacing the windows, we taped up Visqueen. Instead of repairing the gutters, we just allows the rain to drip straight off. We left the roof alone, since it only sagged a little.

We spent so much time and effort dealing with the storms, that we never noticed that all the coming and going had worn the interior. So proud we were of the exterior, we didn't notice the deep traffic marks and gouges on our once shiny wood floors. We didn't notice the throw rugs were becoming tattered, stained and worn. We didn't notice some walls were scraped and dinged.

We had all of our focus on the outside, the part the neighbors and passers-by saw first. We had severely neglected the interior, that place of security, laughter and joy.

Instead of learning how to do the work needed to fix the important interior, we at separate times decided it was too much work. Too costly, too much effort, too much trouble, too much investment. So without even talking about the items needing work, which were the most important, we began to loathe this now, old house. We decided that another house would bring back the security, laughter and joy. Unfortunately, no more land existed to build a new house, only existing houses with their own items needing fixed. Certainly, the other houses had different features. Some had views, some had large lawns, some had white fences, some had mature landscaping. Some had two stories and some had barns. It seemed satisfying to look and search. But inside each of these houses were worn floors, stained carpets and walls needing paint and spackle.

The same effort to renovate another house could have been applied to the original house build for us, by God.

Renovation of the soul, which is the mind and attitudes requires the old, rotten hardwood floors to be torn out, not just restained. Damaged walls must be replaced, not simply painted over. Tattered and worn rugs must be thrown out and replaced with fresh new ones.

To my wife, who has left me for another house, remember you can never fully enjoy your new house, knowing you left the first one unfinished.....

February 21, 2014

Can I call you? I want to so bad, I've wanted to for the past 4 months.

February 21, 2014

Our marriage in the beginning was like a beautiful new house.

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever read about a relationship.Marriage.

I'm going to save it....

February 22, 2014

Bitch...I still love you.

Edit: You breadcrumb me!? Why? Your other ex is a stalker and now he is buggin me. I still love you but I' not going for breadcrumbs. You could show up at my house and be real...otherwise I want nothing, cuz I don't like this text here and there "hi" "what's up?" Hey, my day was fine til you said anything! I'm not even gonna respond right now or ever until there is some substance...

C'mon

Edited February 22, 2014 by I-Love-Liberty

February 22, 2014

I really appreciate that, JournalLady. I wrote that last night in my journal, which is really a series of letters to my STBXW. She'll never see or read them, but they are a form of therapy for me.

February 22, 2014

Thanks J. It's been about a few years since somebody made a fool out of me. Thanks for that. I want to contact you and tell you how much you hurt me, how much you disappointed me. But unlike you, I have good insight into my behavior. If I do that, deep down I will just be hoping that you would contact me to make me feel better.

I hate what you did to me....acting like you have at least a little bit of control over your drinking...lying to me that you wouldn't drink, etc. I'm done with men who keep putting things ahead of me like other women, booze, and other bad habits. Screw you, azzhole.

I said I would help you kick the habit. But you don't want to stop drinking. You drank yourself out of a marriage and out of a strongly potential relationship with me...then you just disappear and don't even say goodbye. You didn't even tell me you when you were going back to Minnesota after you took what could have been a wonderful experience and RUINED it with your incessant need to booze. Then you LIE about going into rehab. Screw you, jackazz. You are nothing. You've got money, a nice home, and brains and all you do from morning to night is get drunk. You are disgusting and pathetic. Go screw yourself, azzhole.

February 22, 2014

I am so mad at you. Sooo mad at all your BS excuses and mixed signals.

February 22, 2014

I have known especially for a few days that it was really time to make a clean break letter. A real clean break letter. And I thought that it would consist of some kind of list of things you did to hurt me (and you did many, whether you meant to or not, and in most cases I believe you didn't mean to) preceded by screw you for... (I think that might have been important to do in my own head, but not here).

But anyway what I really need to do to make a clean break is say thank you for a certain thing. So here goes.

-------------------------------------

Dear Tim,

Throughout the pain we experienced, and the brief times of joy during our relationship and whatever you call that after we broke up through September, I'm not exactly sure now, nor will I ever be, what to call that, I had not yet learned a very important skill.

See, I was fine, happy, and confident on my own. But I didn't know how to be once in a relationship or once a relationship was even a possibility. I didn't know how to maintain that or prevent myself from immediately transferring all of that power to the person that I cared about in that way.

But everything that we experienced, as horribly as it hurt and terrible a wound as it caused, taught me a valuable lesson.

Somehow you taught me how to hold on to my own self-worth and my own happiness, and my own ability to survive and thrive and never sacrifice that to someone else. To never make myself dependent on anyone else's opinion or good graces to feel good about myself or even more importantly, to feel safe.

I already know that I have this skill because of the huge difference in the way I am handling this crush that I have. And I know if it turns into anything, or soon if some other guy acts and it turns into something that I will be able to preserve that and my focus will be on maintaining that.

All those years of bullying in that tiny school that destroyed and damaged for so long my basic sense of self-esteem and trust, and even though some of it, a good deal of it had already healed by the time I met you, I still didn't know how to maintain it in context of relationships, how not to make my self-worth be measured by someone else.

Somehow, by hurting me even more and oddly enough by repeating that very same kind of rejection, you healed the wounds completely from when I was very young. I still don't understand how that works, because I am very sure that in a way that I could never explain to anybody, that early in our relationship God "told" me no. Maybe he knew I would write it off, not intentionally disobey, but decide I must not have experienced what I thought I had experienced.

But yet right now I feel that God has me right where he wants me. That I am supposed to be in this place at this time.

But this is the gift you gave me.. It is precious and wonderful and I will always thank you for it, and I hope any man that I am in a relationship with in the future will thank you for it too, when I tell him the story of you and I.

You healed the wounds of my childhood and taught me to be free and whole not only on my own, which I already was when I met you, but also how to preserve that when I begin to care for someone else, and I am certain, how to preserve and maintain that when in a relationship.

You gave me the gift of being able to engage in not just a healthy friendship, which I already possessed, but to engage in a truly healthy romantic relationship.

Thank you. As much pain as this was for me, and the timing was bloody awful with my health issues at the time (not your fault), I will forever thank you and be grateful to you.

February 23, 2014

You ended things like a coward. I am so hurt that i cried myself o sleep last night. You are a heartless selfish hypocirit coward..i wont forgive you for what you did to me..

February 23, 2014

Beautiful

I love and miss you.

I went for a surf today and sat on the beach. All I could think of was how lovely it would be if you and our boy were there with me.

I wish that you could bring yourself to work on us, together.

I understand that I have to get myself sorted out. That's not easy. It means getting over you, getting a job and getting on with life.

When I do this, I will still want you and I will knock on your door to ask if you will walk on that beach with me. I pray that you will say yes.

In the mean time, as much as I'm trying to recover, don't expect me to be sane. As much as you can control yourself, I have never been able to do that. My emotions will spill like water over a cliff.

You hold my heart. I clutch my dreams.

February 23, 2014

If I could send you a message telling you off on POF and then click "Block" I would. But I can't. I have to wait for you to email before I block you, which would ruin my day- the waiting, the worrying, and I have too much to do. So I'll write it here.

First you tell me that you love me, although we never met in person. Then you drive 3 hours to see me. You get drunk and put me and everyone else at risk by driving drunk. I hate you for what you did. I'm glad I refused to meet you after you told me on the phone you had been drinking. How could you do that to me? How could you come to my city and put my life and the lives of others at risk? And believe me, when I told you if I ever, ever communicate with you and find out you are drinking and driving, I'm calling the police. You told me the day after you did it that you were driving around for 3 hours drunk. You are pathetic and sick. You are a liar and just a fool and then you go back on POF to lure other women to your drunken web with a profile that sounds like you are God's gift to the world.

I hate you. You knew what I had gone through and you treated me like that any way. You kept telling me how fragile you were. WHAT ABOUT HOW FRAGILE I WAS? You may be one step up from my sociopathic ex, but you are still down in the gutter. You are not in the gutter because you have a drinking problem. You are in the gutter because of the way you treated me and your cowardice. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve anyone. I'm glad you can't find a woman that would date you. You deserve to be alone. I hate you.

You are a coward and an azz. I hate you. You disgust me. You know you are sick. Was that a lie too? Do you really think you are NOT sick, but just said you were sick to placate me? I'm so glad I never met you in person. All the late night phone calls, all the Skypes, I guess they were all just lies, lies, LIES! My therapist said you are a liar and she is 100% correct. You always talk about how great you are, how nice you are. I've found people who keep talking about how nice they are, often are not.

You are one of the biggest examples of cognitive dissonance that I have ever seen. Go and screw yourself, loser!

February 23, 2014

I thought I saw you driving to your sisters house. It's unfortunate that she lives so close to me because I really could have done without seeing you.

February 23, 2014

wish we could chat text see each other again

just to catch up see how u r doing

February 23, 2014

Your new lifestyle is dull and trivial. I've been living it for the last month and I've yet to meet anyone. I have a friend like me who's been broken up for the same amount of time and we both agree it's not possible to meet someone decent.

I'm not interested in any women that show interest in me, not because you're something special but because you made me realize not to trust anyone, ever. I thank you for that at least.

I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than dance with those type of girls that you've become.

I love telling it straight to their face when I find out they have a boyfriend. Don't trust anyone.

February 23, 2014

Goodnight my love.....wherever you are <3

February 24, 2014

I caved and reactivated fb and checked up on you. It's been almost 6 weeks since our BU and the last time I saw, held, and kissed you. I would give anything to hear your voice. You look happy in your recent pictures. You still wear the necklace I got you during our trip to NYC in the summer. You are so beautiful!

I miss you and I hope you're doing well. I only checked up on you because I was beginning to forget your face. I never want to forget you. It's probably best that I do though...

I will always love you. I hope and I know you will have the best life. I will do the same...

February 24, 2014

I'm angry.

You don't love me, and that upsets me.

Our marriage means a lifetime of commitment to me.

I'll get myself sorted out. I'll work out a career that will mean I won't have to commute for work. Once I do then I'll be free of you financially, and it only remains to engage with you about our son.

Other than that you can bugger off. I love you, but I can't take this any more. You've hurt me more than you will ever contemplate. I'm sick of hearing you whinge about not having enough time to spend with our son. You only work 4 days a week and will be reducing that to 3, and you still earn more than 90 percent of the population.

Once I get another job (not easy at the moment - you can't imagine the stress) I'll be working a minimum of 5 days a week, probably 6 or 7.

Stop whinging about petty issues. Get normal. I'm fed up of your self-righteous and judgemental attitude.

February 24, 2014

I used to wrote really, really large pages about how I felt, how this or that happened, why the heck this or whatever about who knows the crap I was trying to explain.

Today, there's something that really, really upsets me.

Why in hell did I let you go by calling me all the names you did?

You can't get with it and still, win the "affection" I had towards you, that's just ridiculous. I am starting to realize that even when I had a lot of mistakes, and always ended up feeling like "I ruined things" it's just not that way.

You and I maybe, fell in love or something, but it didn't worked out because I never trusted you. You talked a lot but acted really different when I left.

So, that is all. I was still sticking to my loyalty to you or to another chance or whatever, and even when I couldn't help myself to say exactly what I wanted, I am ok with it. No more delays on this. You say you didn't lied, but one of the most terrible lies was "I love you". Ah, such crap.

Goodbye and goodluck. I still think that you're this great person who is just a little afraid to go after his dreams. You woke me up from that same state. I hope you woke up some day, bye.

February 25, 2014

i just wish youd given me a bit more of a chance. i know i did some bad things but i also did some great. i love you. i know youre moving on and enjoying your life, i just miss you so much. i miss cuddling you, i miss sleeping next to you. i miss that feeling we used to get.

i miss having you to talk to whenever i needed someone. it still doesnt seem real to me that youre gone. every time i think im getting better i somehow get hit again by this feeling i just cant shake. i try to laugh, i try to stay busy, i try to think of the future. but nothing does it for me. i just cant let you go. i really wish i could, i really wish i could just be happy.

you dont want me anymore. you dont care about me. i wish i wasnt feeling this pain, i wish i could go back in time and let you know how much i love you. im pretending to everyone now that im ok and the problem with that is it means i have no one to talk to. i went from having you every second to being lonely all the time. ive never been good with changes but this is too much. i just want to be at peace. i just want to be happy. i dont know how to quit you, i dont know how to give up. its been all this time and ive tried and tried but i just cant. nothings working, nothing makes me miss you less. we couldve been great together but another thing that hurts is i dont even think youll regret ending things.

how can i go from what i was to you to what i am now in such a short space of time? i know you sleep just fine at night and sometimes i do too. but even when i do i either have dreams about you falling back in love with me or i avoid the dreams then wake up and youre RIGHT THERE on my mind. i dont get a moments rest from it and im just so so tired of being sad. im trying my best you know, i really am. i know you wont read this, i know you dont care anymore. i just cant move on.

i dont even hate you, im not angry, im not bitter, im not confused. i wish i was. if i was angry or something at least id have something to hold on to. but all i have is sadness and the knowledge that if i did just a few small things differently id have just wished you goodnight instead of crying myself to sleep alone. its been so long and i just want to be ok again.

goodnight, i miss you, i love you.

February 25, 2014

I saw your new pictures today you posted onj instagram..you look happy like nothing has happened..it crushed me so much that i cried myself to sleep...ho could you be so heartless...im cryi ng right now..

February 25, 2014

Why in hell would you start hooking up with my supposed friend after only a few days?

Jesus Christ. It's been almost three months so I kinda forgot about how that made me feel, and about how she was there for me when I took my decision to broke up with you... She always knew I wasn't so sure about it and that I really loved you.

And not only this, you also slept with your ex who cheated on you.

Maybe Idk and maybe I am just judging you and her, but you seem so hypocritical and that is what upsets me the most.

Always saying "oh, you get mad at me cause you only want attention, you act like this or you do that because you need attention"...

If the only thing I ever really needed or wanted was attention I could have run after another guy after I left, and didn't. And not even after three months.

I want to spent some time alone. A year at least.

After you I don't know what the hell to believe in anymore.

Today: Upset.

Just want to be in college again.

February 25, 2014

I do not desire to interfere with your happiness.

If your happiness does not involve being with me and instead involves being

with another man.. then what I desire is to be freed of these feelings

that I have for you that are causing me so much pain. I have much love in my heart and I

want someone to share it with. I've been ready for a lifelong commitment and companionship

for many years. If that's not what you are looking for then let me do what is best for

myself like I have been doing.. letting go.

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