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[Never Again]

I forgave you the day you dumped me.

 

I forgave you shortly after I found out about the guy in LA too.

 

I'm not a doormat. I have self-respect. It's just that...you did nothing wrong. You were just following your heart. How could I ever blame you for that?

 

But attraction and love are very different, at least in my mind. I've always thought that "true love" didn't start until "passionate love" had ended.

 

But I realized awhile back that I wasn't fulfilling your emotional needs. You needed to see me more often. Even though I put in loads of effort at the beginning, you needed me to keep being that man you fell in love with.

 

Anyways, I'm working on forgiving myself. I'm not hurt or panicky anymore. I'm approaching acceptance, slowly but surely, 8 months later.

[AnyaNova]

I forgave you the day you dumped me.

 

I forgave you shortly after I found out about the guy in LA too.

 

I'm not a doormat. I have self-respect. It's just that...you did nothing wrong. You were just following your heart. How could I ever blame you for that?

 

But attraction and love are very different, at least in my mind. I've always thought that "true love" didn't start until "passionate love" had ended.

 

But I realized awhile back that I wasn't fulfilling your emotional needs. You needed to see me more often. Even though I put in loads of effort at the beginning, you needed me to keep being that man you fell in love with.

 

Anyways, I'm working on forgiving myself. I'm not hurt or panicky anymore. I'm approaching acceptance, slowly but surely, 8 months later.

 

Oh Pfenix.

 

I keep thinking that if I wait one more day, I'll know what to say to you. I'll have some brilliant insight into something that could actually help or make you feel better for awhile.

 

See, in real life, I know how little words are in situations like these. They can help, but I could also bring over a casserole, give a hug where needed, just sit in companionable silence.

 

But online, all I have is words, and there are so often so unhelpful.

 

I am sorry. Your situation just makes me so sad. It is so damn unfair. And mostly, to you!

[picnicinthepark]

I'm crying as I type this. There are so many things I wanted to tell you...

 

I'm sorry we never took those dance lessons you got for us. I miss dancing with you.

 

I'm sorry I didn't want to go for runs like we used to. I was never a strong runner and you literally took my breath away. I won't be running after you anymore.

 

I'm sorry I didn't want to go to yoga or art class with you. You just wanted us to try new things.

 

I'm sorry I never went out with your friends enough and rarely took you out with mine. You said that you were okay with it even though I knew you weren't.

 

I'm sorry I didn't go with you for your work conference in San Francisco. I would have traded the month I spent in Europe in a second.

 

I'm sorry I didn't stay up late with you while you packed for your trip. I didn't know this would be the last time we would ever be together.

 

I'm sorry I wasn't more open to you about my feelings. You were my best friend and I let my pride get in the way.

 

I'm sorry things ended this way and I wish I could go back in time.

 

You left me when I needed you the most. I am rock bottom.

 

Why didn't you say anything? Why couldn't have we just worked things out?

 

Do you think of me? Do you miss me? Does your heart pound when you wake up in the morning and I'm not there? Talk to me! Love me again!

 

You haunt me when I'm awake and when I'm asleep.

 

I thought I was stronger but I am weak.

 

Did you ever love me? Am I dreaming?

 

I love you so much. I need to let you go and move on with my life.

[LostConfused123]

Just missing you so much today

 

Sleep well baby.

[AnyaNova]

Okay okay, I know I am only talking to myself here...but I still feel bad about what I said. I know that you are a good person. I'm just so angry and upset. Luckily I can vent here because I would never be so hateful to you...

 

Happy VDAY to you tomorrow Robbin. Happy 2 years that never was. Now I swear that I will not log on tomorrow

*hugs*

 

*more hugs*

[matt_1987]

it's hell right now. pure hell. you have been the most important girl of my life, and the pain I am feeling right now cannot be put into words, like the deepest part of me has been torn off. I know your feelings cannot be changed, I know that the past cannot be undone. Nevertheless, I cannot help but wondering what things would have been like if we had been on the same page during the last period…it could have been the story of our lives, we could have done a million things together, travel together, live together, be happy, together. But somehow, we never have been ready for each other at the sime time.

 

There’s a part of me that hates you right now, that curses you for making me drive alle the way to France for what happened to be a whim, nothing more that a whim. God you sounded so sure…why would you do something so careless, TO ME? I was feeling lonely too while working in Africa, but I never even thought of involving you, it was my pain to deal with. But you did with me, halting my recovery period and dragging me back to hell, and that’s so, so unfair.

 

Then there is another part of me that longs for you like lungs long for air, and now I need to devote my energies to smother this part of me in the following months. This flame that is burning that tells me it can’t be over this way, that wants to deny what happened and doesn’t stop telling me “don’t give up, the time for you two together will come, just be patient”. But I know now this time will most likely never come, and I need to accept it. But what about all the times that we went back for each other? What do they mean? Were we just scared, lonely, or genuinely still missing each other? I honestly don’t know….I guess time will tell…right now I just want this excruciating, black pain to go away. I know I need to get rid of the thought of you and of the hopes of reconcilation, but why is it so hard to let go? Why do I keep telling myself it’s not over when it clearly is? I actually know the answer, I just do not want to admit it at the moment.

 

The future seems so scary right now…like it has lost its meaning…and I know it shouldn’t be like this, you shouldn’t even be reading this, you are not supposed to, it would only be an ego booster for you. But I don’t know how to deal with this right now, I feel like I was deceived, tricked, furthermore by somebody who I deeply and unconditionally trusted. When you came back everything looked so perfect, it was all making sense: “here it is” I told myself “here is my chance, to finally be with each other again, happy, forever. I just have to play my cards right”, which I think I did. But it just wasn’t enough: free will cannot be forced. Love is felt. Period. If it is not there, it is not there, and cannot be found anywhere else. I am just wishing some day, even months away from now, you will realize it, regret it and finally feel ready. But even if this happens, how could I ever trust you? How could I know we are not going through the same storm again? And for what? To be hurt, to bleed, AGAIN? No…not me. Even if it is you, even if you were to ask me to come with you into the storm right now, I would probably say….yes.

 

I miss you

Edited February 14, 2014 by matt_1987

[somedude81]

My dear Sophia,

 

Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you! Fu*k you!

[Never Again]

Oh Pfenix.

 

I keep thinking that if I wait one more day, I'll know what to say to you. I'll have some brilliant insight into something that could actually help or make you feel better for awhile.

 

See, in real life, I know how little words are in situations like these. They can help, but I could also bring over a casserole, give a hug where needed, just sit in companionable silence.

 

But online, all I have is words, and there are so often so unhelpful.

 

I am sorry. Your situation just makes me so sad. It is so damn unfair. And mostly, to you!

 

Thank you, and I'm sorry I've made you sad.

 

I've learned some important things from this experience, one of them being that words are ludicrously powerful...even if they fall short of their intended mark.

 

I had a spiritual malignancy that devoured me, sinew and all, leaving behind a shade, a ghost, a mournful vapor. Simply existing had become an unpleasant chore as the world fell away.

 

Though I tried my hardest, I withdrew to "protect" her...and myself. I forgot that a single point of light often finds itself surrounded by darkness, and I was quickly burning out.

 

Her radiance sated the void inside me - she was the Dagger to my Cloak - but to feed off her light...nothing had ever felt so wrong. So I hid the blackness that fatigued me, or at least tried to. When my defenses dropped, grasping tendrils writhed forth.

 

If anything, these experiences have helped me find words. I couldn't describe what was happening before - if I couldn't described it, I would've had power over it. I would've master it, instead of the other way around.

 

While I'll never turn down a hug or a casserole, words can be powerful.

 

Words could have saved me, had I been vulnerable enough to use them. Words could have saved my relationship, had either of us had the strength to initiate a heart-to-heart and stop the distancing wave that was ruining a good thing. Words created the bond, words created the darkness inside, and words broke my heart.

 

Words let me know you care.

 

Words can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, they're the only weapon we have.

Edited February 14, 2014 by Pfenixphire

[Redhawkk]

WHy of all days did you happen to have to walk by me. I don't even know if you saw me but I did. Here I thought I was getting better, but seeing you walking today pierced me like a dagger. I wanna fight for you, I wanna win you back again....I miss you so much sweety. Why can't we just try again? Why can't we change together? But I know why, you aren't in love with me anymore, but I am...more so now than before. Please, I wanna hear your voice, see your smile and feel your kiss again.

[wistfulgirl]

Don't even know what to say. An wrecked (as usual) on Friday night, but doubly whammy as valentines day. Still think of you, and remember our times together that felt so real....that I cannot believe you faked. Know you have a GF now, and really do want you to be happy. Don't want you to live your life lonely and on the sidelines while all your friends settle down. Just sorry I couldn't be the one to make you happy. Don't think I even believe in "the one" but know that if things were different we could have been "the one" for each other. Hope you still remember me and the times we shared, cus I'll never forget. And even thought you've probably hurt me more than any other man I don't hate or blame you...maybe you were just more insightful than me and realised we could only have ended in pain. You were (and still are) so special to me, and will always cherish the times we had, even thigh it ended so horribly. Hope you know that despite my situation, my feelings for you were genuine, and that in another life I would have been with you and loved you forever. Hope she knows how lucky she is. I love you and part of me always will xxxxx

[Progwonder]

God I have grown to detest holidays and especially valentines day. You lead me on and you have destroyed me with your ability to say you love me and then go away with another guy for days at a time. It has consumed my thoughts and has made me bitter and angry. I just want to feel happiness again.

I open my heart and tell you my feelings and I am rewarded with pain.

 

You took the Diamond from my soul and turned back into coal-BW

Edited February 15, 2014 by Progwonder
I am a bad speller

[JoelBarish]

I said I wouldn't write you here today but your late night visit changed all that.

 

You gave me what you owed me. You and I both knew it was the last tie between us. Now there is no more.

 

You held me last night. You told me that you didn't want to let me go because when you did, you said you were never coming back.

 

There is no going back this time. No breadcrumbs left. Nothing but my tears flowing steadily in the dark.

 

We said our goodbyes last night. We knew it was the end. Nothing left to day or do.

[sickoflove11]

It seems like every few weeks you get to me. I keep some sad hope in the back of my mind that you will contact me but at the same time I'm glad you don't. It's best we finally get some distance and let each other go. I know you've been over me for some time now but I don't think I'll really ever be over you.

I miss you a lot.

I'm sure this day is just getting to me also and not helping my longing for you. I will keep my head up and hope for a better tomorrow.

[uku383]

Beautiful

 

I can't help but think of you and of happy times that we had. I remember you accepting your engagement ring. I remember you walking towards me on our wedding day. I remember your feet in your shoes. Did you ever know that my favourite pair of your shoes were those 'boring' flat slipper-types? Not the fancy, sexy shoes, but the normal ones.

 

The pain I feel is horrible. The pain that you've been through is horrible, and I wish that I could erase it.

 

Is there no way that we can work? Is there nothing that I can do?

 

I am trying so hard to not talk with you, to not beg, but it is very difficult for me.

 

I yearn for us. Why can't we make this work? Please. I am trying so hard to get better, and I will. I don't want to have a life without you. I want to grow old with you. I want to walk down the street, holding your hand. I want to pamper you. I want to do all the things that I stopped doing.

 

Let us work this out. Please try. You are my love.

 

They say that if I love you I should let you go. I will do that, but I'll be SCREAMING on the inside. The pain and loneliness that this has unleashed is the worst experience I could ever imagine.

 

I love you, always.

[Itspointless]

I don't want to miss you any-more, you suppressed your feelings which you admitted to me you probably did. I wish I wish capable of that. Missing you and wondering how you deal with your health is my burden. I know I have to go on, but still hope for you to contact me and say you made a mistake, that you want me to be there for you. You learned in your life not to think about the future as it is not in your control. I can not say that I cannot understand that, I can. But why did you sacrifice us? It was you that told me that we were so special and I had to agree as I felt it too, we both are old enough to know such things and to know how life works and know that life often simply doesn't work. But somehow you left me with all those feelings, while you simply locked them away. You knew I lost people before, it wasn't easy for me to open up to you, you knew that. Just as I knew you had trouble with trust, I would never have betrayed you. I still care about you, but I do not know if I could trust you again to not walk away again.

[Xemyd]

I'm so done with you. I'm so done with feeling miserable. I'm so done wasting time thinking about you and wishing you'd come back around.

 

You're doing fine and I'm still here crying. F*ck you. I wish I would have walked away 2 months in when you said you'd be working out of town. In fact, I wish I had never met you at all.

 

You may have been my best relationship but of course you have hurt me the most. You've broken me down to someone miserable and angry. I take my frustrations with you out on everyone around me.

 

I don't ever want to hear from you. I'm promising myself that if you ever contact me I'll ignore you. From now on, you have no power over me. I was fine before you and I'll be more than fine after you. I can see that you've moved on and don't have any doubts about this break up, and as of now I hate you. I will never take YOU back.

[STM206]

You left me in the dust, and felt compelled to treat me like a stranger after. You said you were trying to "figure out" things for yourself. I reached out to you only to get shut down, treated like I was out of line.

 

You didn't have the ****ing decency to communicate with me, you just packed up and ran away.

 

How could you throw 4 years away without even trying? You left me to pick up all the pieces. You didn't show one ounce of care, you didn't bother to even say "I'm sorry it didn't work, I hope you are okay" NOTHING. You packed up and moved away.

 

I feel like my world came crumbling down, I saw the future with YOU in it and now that's all gone, I can't even see my own future right now, not without seeing your face.

 

It's only been over a month and it still hurts, it hurts knowing that we could've made it through this, made it through something that was so easily fixable.

[TrappedWanderer]

I felt/feel the exact same way, STM206. Cowards, to not even show concern or be adult enough to have a conversation.

 

Hang in there...I'm 3 months out and have good days and bad, but it's slowly getting better

[uku383]

I can't do anything right. You don't trust my judgement with our boy.

 

Why can't you see that I'm a good person and that I'm trying hard to get better?

 

I love our boy, and you, so very much. I can't begin to tell you how hard it is to get better. It would be so much easier if you were with me. I can't fathom the hate that you seem to feel for me - the fear and anger. I wish that I could fix things.

 

You told me that you've not loved me for almost five years. Why on Earth didn't we work on that together?. You did it by yourself. I can see that you reached out at times, but we needed full disclosure to deal with that.

 

Was every sign of affection over this last time a lie?

 

Please don't pursue this divorce. Please agree to try and work on our marriage with me. Oh Babe, I can get better.

 

This is a nightmare.

[STM206]

I felt/feel the exact same way, STM206. Cowards, to not even show concern or be adult enough to have a conversation.

 

Hang in there...I'm 3 months out and have good days and bad, but it's slowly getting better

 

It gives me hope to hear that you're having better days. I know inside I'm having better days but lord when the years start coming... Watch out! It's so crazy how someone can have so much power over you.

 

You convince yourself "he had to be a socio path, he had to be a narcissist" because I just can't see any normal person treating someone they claimed to love more than life itself... Like this. He couldn't care less if I lost it and drove my car off a bridge, I seriously don't think he would even bat an eye.

 

It's no wonder people are jaded. This was my first real relationship and first real love, so there is nothing to look back on and say "ah! Remember this will pass!"

 

How have you been coping? What makes you feel better?

 

Please tell me you've googled "how to get your ex back" lol!

[MixedMinh]

I'm absolutely disgusted how after 1.5 years of being together she becomes exclusive with another man in less than a week of being apart. Posting cute pictures of them together on facebook.. almost as if she wants to feel validated that she's doing the "right" thing and she wants to be perceived as a "perfect happy couple". Her "new" relationship just seems like its ALL FOR SHOW! I'm on day 3 of NC. She has been dating this guy for 3-4 weeks and I didn't have the guts to implement NC until recently. Even while she is dating this new guy, she tells me how much she misses me. She tells me she has hopes for us in the future. She clearly still has strong feelings for me and is emotional about the breakup and she's DATING someone else. How the hell can she even be emotionally available? It's ridiculous, immature, and I lose respect for her. Everything still hurts, but I'm teaching myself to remain in power and be strong. She lied at the end of our relationship, tried to string me along as a backup, and tried to relieve her guilt. I'm not responding to her messages. I'm hoping this anger/jealousy phase just fades away. It's really annoying. I have letters, notes, texts that I put away so that I am not reminded of anything, but I know what they say. They all say how much she truly loves me. She thinks love is just a feeling and that's why we are where we are now. I should be thankful that it's over -- imagine what I would have to deal with years down the road when she decides she is "feeling" different.

[JoelBarish]

After everything I have found out, it's over for good. There is absolutely no going back. You should think before you do things because some things can't be undone.

 

I don't want you anymore. I don't love you. It was very hard for me to get to this point and completely give up on you. I loved what we had. There are a lot of good memories but that is the past. You are no longer a part of my present and I won't under any circumstances let you be a part of my future.

 

If you ever come over to where I live, you will be turned away. We have absolutely nothing more to talk about.

 

There are no hard feelings. There are NO feelings anymore.

Edited February 16, 2014 by JoelBarish

[The Situation]

Right then, almost time to sleep, but I have packed a card I'm going to send you this week with my work stuff. I can't bottle this up much longer. You need not do anything, but I want you to know how I feel, that I miss you, hanging with mutual friends, your laugh, your smile... I've said this 100 times to too many different people. If I don't tell you I'll never get past this stage and it'll always affect future relationships.

 

So, you're gonna be told that I miss you in the nicest possible way. Do nothing, see if I care, but it's time you knew. 10 months on and while I have moved on in life, my feelings for you haven't. Reject me all you want, but I've considered your feelings for too long now. It's time to tell you. This week. I want you back in my life, I want to be able to talk to you again, I want to win your trust and be able to socialise with you. I don't want to miss out on your life any more. I just want a chance to make you laugh again.

 

After that?

 

I don't know. If we still click, I'm going to try to make the very best of it. If we don't, fine. But getting that far would be a major achievement.

 

I've reached that point now. I'm done. This has to be it. This emotional torture must end.

 

If I fail, no problem. There's nothing wrong with me, but we're certainly both missing out on what could be an amazing relationship. I want to go away with you on trips, I want to spend time with your family and friends, I want to be there for your birthdays, Christmas, all those occasions. Unconditionally support you through uni, nursing, achieving, feeling good.

 

It really is time to act. I hope you like what I have to say.

 

And if I don't get knocked back and we eventually get back together, I am going to scream from the rooftops with pride at how lucky I would be! Proverbially, of course.

Edited February 17, 2014 by The Situation

[Lietome]

What are you doing? I see on the phone records that you've been calling her more again. I couldn't help myself, I had to look. I need you to tell me why you wanted me back with you if you weren't giving her up. Was it fun for you to watch me cry? I constantly doubt myself now.....Is that what you wanted? I don't understand...Will I ever....You keep saying you love me....You keep saying you'll end it with her but then you don't. I know your lying.....Am I really that stupid? Why do I still want your approval....Why do I still want you to love me....I know you don't....Am I gonna survive today? The next five minutes?????

[lakerman34]

Dear L,

 

We were never really together. You didn't feel that "spark" with me. I wish you would have given me a chance. We talked A LOT to each other, and we hung out ONLY four times -- the first time being you rushing things and rubbing your naked body against mine.

 

Everything between us was always rushed. Any "spark" we could have felt was blocked because of "oh I have a concussion" and "oh I have a meeting," and the like. You never gave us a chance.

 

I think you're afraid. I think that you finally found a guy that can offer you EVERYTHING you want in a relationship -- a confidant, a guy that'll listen to all of your ideas and help you make them a reality, a guy that will try and motivate you every day of your life, a guy that can rock your world in bed, a guy that wants everything in life that you want, we just make SO MUCH SENSE. But you're not allowing this fairy tale to play itself out because of this stupid "chemistry" BS. I believe it when you tell me you don't feel it, but I feel like you haven't given ample time for it to be felt.

 

I know about your other guys that you felt "something" with. You traveled abroad with JV, you worked with CW, and KW is readily available for you at school. Me, on the other hand, I'm out of school. I'm 40 minutes away from you. When you move back to the city, I'll be a good 2-3 hours away from you (unless I accept this job offer, then I'll only be 30 minutes).

 

In an ideal world, you'd give me the chance. In a super ideal world, we'd be together now, or one day, you'll think 'I need to give him another chance.' But that isn't going to happen. I'm a fish that has already swam by. Even if we were perfect for each other (and I really do believe we are), you didn't see it, and it won't ever be realized. You burned diamonds because all you saw was coal. You didn't take the time to REALLY take a look. That was your mistake. I hope one day you hit yourself upside the head and realize it. But you won't. You're not going to be the lucky girl. Another girl is.

 

I had no intentions when I told you that I think you're one of the most beautiful girls, inside and out, that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I truly, honestly, meant that. But you want a guy that'll "challenge" you by treating you like ****. I thought that, maybe, I didn't have to play the stupid 'game' with you. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I should have treated you a little more like all the other girls that I had the pleasure of sleeping with and forgetting their names by the morning. Maybe THAT would have made you feel "the spark."

 

Still, I wish this story would have had a different ending. You don't care. At all. You were gracious towards me. You sort of "held my hand" in the "breakup," but all you want is the "feeling." I have so much more to offer you than that feeling of chemistry. 9% of guys you talk to will give you that feeling. That feeling WOULD HAVE come....and we were SO close! The foundation I was offering you would have lasted forever.

 

But continue to go after guys like JV, CW, & KW. Go for it. They'll offer you their penises and give you that "spark feeling," and maybe even this idea of a "relationship," but I promise you, it won't last. I've had relationships that were based off of sparks and sex. They don't last. We could have had something MUCH deeper. THAT'S why I rejected you when you tried to pull my penis out of my boxers. THAT'S why I said "lets slow down" to sex. Maybe, when you're older, you'll finally realize that.

 

-Y

Edited February 17, 2014 by lakerman34