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[uku383]

Beautiful

 

I know that you've put up with a lot over the years. I'm ashamed of my grumpiness and rudeness. I haven't acted respectfully towards you, and I've lacked the self-awareness and discipline to control my churlishness. I've known about my triggers, but have ignored them. I've let my pride and ego drive my approach to work.

 

I wish that you would let me tell you, and believe me, that I don't want the career any more. All I want is you and our son.

 

Right now I feel scared and alone. People tell me that I'll get over you and move on to another relationship, but the truth is that I don't want to. I want to hold you and share my emotions with you, not deny them for fear of offending you or causing you stress.

 

I realise now that not talking with you about me made things worse.

 

The pain that I feel each day can't be properly described. I have fantasised about killing or hurting myself, but I've not done anything because of our boy.

 

After all that's happened I have finally gained real insight to who I am and the type of husband and father I want to be. If you gave me a chance I think that you'd be amazed at the change.

 

You are the woman who I dream of growing old with. Years ago we walked behind an old couple, leaning on each other and holding hands as they shuffled up a ramp. You leaned over to me and said 'that will be us one day'.

 

I know that I forget a lot of things, but that moment has never left my mind.

 

Now you feel hatred towards me. You say that you've not loved me for years, and that you're broken. I'm afraid of this because I know what a strong and determined person you are. However, this is the one thing in your life that I wish you would doubt.

 

Please give us another go. Soften your heart and remember the love and dreams that we shared.

 

My favourite place in the world is in bed with you, lying on my back with your head on my chest. Please rest your head again.

 

I love you.

[iouaname]

I'm still really hurt by the things that you did. For some reason, I still let them hurt me. I've been talking to someone new, but last night he said something that reminded me of you and sparked me to make the situation really awkward by asking him to clarify. I don't want to constantly be on the lookout for red flags just because you screwed me over. I want to be able to meet someone and enjoy them. I'm terrified that I'll never fall in love again. Not speaking to you and not knowing what is going on in your life has been the small blessing in all of this...

[Xemyd]

I need you right now. Always.

[hea]

I dreamt of you last night. That you came back an I was so happy. Only to wake up and realise it was a dream.

 

 

I'm really missing you. I wonder if your missing me?

[AnyaNova]

I don't know whether I'm writing this to my ex, or my hopefully soon to be ex crush (since the signs he gave to make me hope, well, aren't there anymore).

 

Maybe both I don't know.

 

The funny thing is, I really don't drink much at all. If I order a drink while out with friends, I often only take a few sips. Only rarely do I ever finish even one.

 

And if I have red or white wine in my house, it is because it is going in a recipe.

 

So maybe it is odd that I find this song very comforting. I was listening to it a lot, Tim, when we were just about to meet and I was getting over that other disastrous crush, and even a few times after we first met (once the frisbee night happened, while, I put it away and didn't think about it again).

 

I listened to it again after our last night in September. Praying that maybe you'd change your mind. You didn't and haven't.

 

And I am listening to it again.

 

 

Am I such a terrible person? I'm not insecure and most times I am fine being alone. Is it so awful that I would like someone to cuddle with against the dark and the cold and the ice of winter?

 

I hate valentine's day.

[Xemyd]

I think I'm done hoping. I don't really care about Valentines day, nor do you, but it's almost here and now's the time to make your move.... But you won't, because you don't care. You've moved on. A little advice for your next victim, when you break up with her, don't give her a bullsh*t excuse, man up and tell her exactly why you don't want to be with her.

[JoelBarish]

Will you even think of me on Friday? I doubt it. It would have been 2 years for us...a year and a half of which was one of the happiest periods of my life.

 

I miss talking to you so much. You got me. You may not have wanted to keep me ultimately but you still got me. You knew me inside and out. I didn't have to explain anything, you understood already. Everything I thought or did, you new why.

 

I thought I got you too. I thought I knew you better than you knew yourself. But apparently there was a side you kept hidden...a side I would never get.

 

I won't be on here talking to you on Friday, I promise you that

[AnyaNova]

Well. We know several things.

 

1) I will, apparently, be single on V day.

2) You will not be pounding down my door trying to get back together with me as friends or anything else.

3) I am, actually, ok with this.

4) I still do wish we could be friends.

5) Apparently, there is still more intelligent life on OkC. Each time I go away for awhile there appears usually about one really good prospect each time. Who knows (you know, since that stupid thing I hoped stupidly didn't work out).

6) I'm planning on keeping on working on my mind and body.

7) I am getting a surprising amount of male attention.

8) At some point in your life, you will look back and realize you made a huge mistake. Or if you don't, you probably really should.

9) I am going to be awesome when my metabolic issues/deficiencies are completely solved (and I'm pretty darn awesome now).

10) It is funny, some of my acquaintances at the church I used to go to, who I talked about all this with, it is like they don't even remember you at all. They remember my previous ex. Not you. I may never be able to eternal sunshine you, but they sure have!

 

 

BTW--Don't suppose you could convince the alien hybrid clone colony to move away from my town could you? You've got too many twins and near twins with your funky facial structure 'round here. (Sorry, I have to laugh and you know I don't mean that meanly. I think I have earned the right after this whole thing!)

[GogoPaz]

Thats how I feel and the fact you are chasing your ex shows we never meant anything... Havent heard from you in 2 months... You wanted to be a pilot in Turkish Airlines remember? Well I m a flight attendant there now. Probably you wont ever know. Probably you wont come back from US either. Hope your life sucks without me.

[L1ght]

I was so in love with you. I'm so sorry for how everything turned out. Peace.

[The Situation]

I dreamt of you last night. That you came back an I was so happy. Only to wake up and realise it was a dream.

 

 

I'm really missing you. I wonder if your missing me?

 

I had a dream about mine last night, too!

 

It was just so good. An iffy start, then we laughed, hugged, kissed passionately in front of her friends who hated me and I woke up. For a moment it felt real, and it was great!

[picnicinthepark]

L,

 

I miss you so much. I still have painful dreams of us buying our first house, having a little boy and girl, and growing old together. I wake up every morning and my heart is pounding because you're not there.

 

I was selfish and I neglected you. I should have tried harder but I didn't realize this until it was too late. I hope that one day you will give me a second chance and see that our love was real. I miss your kiss, holding you, making love to you, and staring into your beautiful eyes.

 

I will never forget these past 5 years. I will always have the memories. I am so lucky to have had you in my life. The summer that we met in university I knew that you were special and that you would change my life - and you did. I'm am so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. I know that you will be great - and you are!

 

You left me when I needed you the most but I forgive you. I can't make you love me again. I love you so much but if you will be truly happy without me I will let you go. I will be okay one day and you will always have a place in my heart.

 

Goodbye my love,

 

M

[JDPT]

I am smiling, but you are no longer the reason....

[uku383]

When I was over at the house recently I looked in your jewellery case and saw your engagement and wedding rings.

 

I remember how happy you were to get your engagement ring. You loved it. You said that it was perfect, that I've chosen exactly right, which I thought was great as I'd taken a bit of a risk choosing a ring for you but I really wanted to show you the ring and ask you.

 

Please put your rings back on your finger.

 

Please!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Please look at me the way that you used to; not with a mixture of anger, fear and pity. Let us love each other again.

[JoelBarish]

I hate you for your cruelty.

 

I hate you for your indifference.

 

I hate you for moving on so easily.

 

I hate you for your breadcrumbs.

 

I hate you for your lies.

 

I hate you for your excuses.

 

I hate you for all the good times we had.

 

I hate you for all the good times we will never have.

 

I hate you for being in my town.

 

I hate you for not going away.

 

I hate you for all the good memories that won't go away.

 

I hate you for all the bad memories that won't go away.

 

I hate you for your car being seen around.

 

I hate you for giving me hope.

 

I hate you for killing my hope.

 

I hate you for being replaced.

 

I hate the thought of you.

[AnyaNova]

It is not natural for things to be this cold between us.

 

Can't we be friends? Reconcile? Something. Everything that last night was so highly charged especially when the perfect date illusion was finally shattered.

 

It just seems wrong for things to be like they are. I know that right now I don't think I could trust my heart to you ever again romantically, but I certainly could use another friend and you could too.

 

I will be great, though, whatever happens or more likely, doesn't, with you.

[JDPT]

I don't need you, I never did. And no I'm not bitter, I stand alone and I'm perfectly OK with that.

I'm all that matters, and the only person I'm concerned with is ME as I continue to heal.

I'm happy.

[potestatum]

I want to be with you so much.

 

I love you. We will get in love again. With small steps we will find the way to be as happy as we were the first years of our relationship.

 

I cannot think my life without you.

You are always in my mind!

 

I am sorry for any mistakes I have done. I will change everything.

 

But you have to understand that mistakes are made by your side too.

And maybe you are exaggerating about my mistakes.

 

That's why we need to give another chance to our love. To try again... Together!

[Never Again]

- I have a problem with intimacy. REAL intimacy. I have trouble letting people "in".

 

- Family events were painful after my grandfather died. Seeing my grandmother, alone and upset, with half of her children divorced, hurt.

 

- Until 2 weeks before the breakup, I still felt like I was to blame for my previous girlfriend's suicide. I held onto denial for a long time, but seeing mutual friends 5 months later finally triggered the rest of the grieving process - depression hit HARD. That's why I became lazy/passive/doormatty.

 

- Being bullied at work lowered my self-esteem, but what hit harder were all the rejections from new opportunities. I burnt myself out trying to find something new, and had dozens more rejections than I ever let her know about. At least 1 a day for weeks. After awhile, it gets to you. I generally don't lack confidence, but I started to slip FAST.

 

- I cried every day in April and May. Every damned day. I never told you, but the depression and anxiety hit so hard, fatiguing me mentally and physically, that I couldn't keep it together. I avoided seeing you whenever possible because I felt broken. I didn't know what was wrong, but for two months, I'd come home from work, curl up into a ball on my bed, and let out a few tears before getting the only 4 hours of sleep I'd have that day.

 

- I actually liked taking care of your cat when you were away because having him in my apartment was a comfort when I was upset, and was a constant reminder of you.

 

- The noises of you working began to irritate me when I was in my rut. They never had before and I tried to politely excuse myself when I hit my limit by saying I'd let you "get back to work" when I really wanted you to just stop working when we were on the phone (I respected your talent and career too much to ever ask that)

 

- The thought of working on a project together scared me, so I backed away gently with some excuses. I didn't mean to sound critical (even though my thoughts were honest), but I didn't actively pursue the idea of making something with you because we'd only been together 9 months at that point...and a business venture seemed intimidating.

 

- I pumped the brakes on the relationship because it was too much for me too handle. The maintaining the momentum we had (which was SUPER fast to begin with) was stressful all on it's own...nevermind everything else. It was hard to justify making the relationship my top priority when the rest of my life was a mess (big mistake)

 

- I stopped being as affectionate because I recoil when under pressure. That's why I stopped gazing into your eyes, stroking your hair, cuddling you, etc. It wasn't you.

 

- I don't know how to maintain chemistry in a relationship once the honeymoon period ends. I just don't.

 

- I never had to set "healthy boundaries" because you never pushed. You never asked too much of me or treated me wrong. In fact, with the exception of a handful of times where I pushed YOU or circumstances interfered with plans, you were "too nice" to me. I was trying to get you to complain or put your foot down towards the end. You'd plan things in advance, but if I decided something, you'd just let me steamroll you...even if I didn't mean to. That's why I always asked what you wanted to eat...I felt like a relationship tyrrant...and frankly, I got bored because you never challenged me.

 

- I liked ghost hunting with you, it's just that graveyards gave me anxiety after everything that happened

 

- I wanted to travel with you more, go hang gliding again, and make costumes with you...all things you suggested but we never got around to. I guess I didn't want to barge into your activities...I was waiting for you to "take the wheel" on things that were "yours"

 

- You sat at home, alone, watching TV all day when you worked. I went to a building filled with +150 people that I had to plan for, train and organize. When the super stress in April/May hit, I lost all motivation to "take the wheel" because that's all I did all day at work. I know I should've been putting in more effort to make things exciting, but I was running on fumes. I guess I wanted you to see that and ask...or at least help. Guess you just got bored instead.

 

- I never NEEDED you, but I sure as hell WANTED you. But I also wanted you to succeed. That meant more to me than just going on a date or spending time together. I wanted your career to flourish, I wanted you to get the recognition you deserved. That's why I pushed you to spend that extra time working instead of seeing me...I guess I was also trying to push your buttons. Every time of cancel, you'd meekly tell me that you wanted to see me...and when I replied with logic ("I want to see you too, but this project is important and work comes first. Plus, my schedule is more flexible that yours, so I'd prefer you get ahead on your deadlines and THEN let me know when you're free...and we'll figure it out then"), you'd just CAVE to my decision. I wanted you to fight me! Stand up and tell me "Dude! Just come up!". I don't know who was the bigger doormat...me to your work, or you to me!

 

- You left just as I was starting to improve. I was finally feeling better after 6-7 weeks of utter crap. You offered words of support when I was down, but what did you DO? I get that I'm the man, but sometimes we get upset too. Did you EVER hug or hold me when I needed it? Nope. Not even the day of the suicide. I went out of my way to try and solve your problems, held you when you were upset...I even held your hand as you bawled while dumping me. Were you as scared of real intimacy as I was, or were you just turned off by a man who was being sensitive and weak?

 

- I didn't complain about work because I was a wuss or even because it was the real problem. I was just "full" because of all the stress I was bottling up. Little things split over, and sharing that frustration and anger was as close as I could get to sharing my feelings.

 

- I'm not an unhappy man. I'm just a guy that cares a lot and has trouble letting go of people he cares about. I can be push/pull like that...I have trouble letting you in but don't want to let go. I guess that's why my relationships lose their "spark". Anyway, I'm generally happy and laid back, but it upsets me to watch people I care about be hurt. That pained me everyday at that old job...watching people I held dearly fall apart. I thought you'd understand, as your best friend was driven to anxiety meds because of it. Guess not.

 

- I never loved anyone with the depth and voracity with which I loved you. I'm talking post-infatuation stage (and we had one hell of an intense one, didn't we?).

 

- I kept score a bit at the end, I admit it. I was stressed and overworked and found excuses to slack off in the relationship because I knew I'd given you so much throughout the beginning. I wasn't going to hold it against you, I just wanted to see you put in a bit of effort that wasn't just text messages and pictures. I watched your cat constantly, fixed your scanning issue, fixed your laptop, upgraded your computer at no cost to you (I never told you that I was eating that $500 for you, I think you just assumed I got it cheaper from work), picked you up when you had car issues (twice!), replaced your phone case, bought you stupid little things while we were out together frequently, invited you to every family gathering I had, planned dinner with my parents, planned for you to go to a convention with me (that I would've gone to anyways), made you a gift by just because I wanted to, bought your dad a gift on a whim...and you invited me to a trip you were going to go on anyways, invited me to your band practice/hang-gliding/karaoke...which you'd go to anyways, made plans for the movies twice, and double dates with your best friend and her boyfriend, sent me naked pictures or bought me gifts while you were traveling (granted, I didn't send pictures back enough...but sexting was never really my thing), and you wanted to get me involved in cosplay/gliding more/making art with you but only MENTIONED and never pushed. Was I supposed to make more forward moves cuz I'm the guy?

 

- I wasn't "IN love" with you when my depression hit in April. That was an effect, not the cause, but it happened. I just didn't feel that obsessive pull to you anymore...didn't feel the chemistry that required me to see you all the time. It took me nearly a month to realize that this was just the "honeymoon high" fading away, and that I LOVED you more than I understood. This was a weird realization, and my actions during that month (passive, passionless, avoidant, "too nice", not conversational, fatigued, no sense of humor or wit) were why YOUR feelings for me faded. Sad trombone.

 

- I kept mementos from everything big we did together. They're gone now, but this was the first time I'd ever done that. I knew every important date, remembered every factoid, knew what you liked and what you didn't. I kept movie tickets, scrap sketches that you were going to toss, blah blah blah. I never told you that you made me sentimental.

 

- I knew I was making foolish moves at the end of the relationship, but I was so fatigued and depressed for those 6-7 weeks that I couldn't stop it. I knew I was screwing up. I had a "premonition" mid-April that we'd break up, but tried not to act on it or freak out for fear of pushing you away. I ended up becoming too distant and weak and let you slip away instead.

 

- I planned the craziest anniversary ever. I had a certain brown-suit made, had a hot air balloon booked, bought tickets to a musical, found an Art Deco hotel/restaurant, mapped out toy stores...even had a scavenger hunt set up.

 

- I was really looking forward to our parents finally meeting after a year of being together.

 

- I didn't mean to stop being affectionate and wished you'd said something.

 

- I didn't mean to stop being exciting and "taking the lead", and wished you'd said something.

 

- I should've ignored you from the moment you started throwing off signs that something was wrong 1.5 weeks before the dumping. I definitely shouldn't have had sex with you 2 days before.

 

- I tried to give you that goodluck charm as a "goodbye", not a reminder.

 

- I'm laid back, not a doormat. You suggested things that I found fun which is why I always agreed. Your antics never bothered me, and I insisted on canceling dates because your career was important to me because YOU were important to me. I guess I should've insisted we keep those dates to keep you invested, but who knows if that would've made a difference. I guess I did "teach" you that work was more important than me...but I was just trying to compromise. You wanted to see me, I wanted you to finish your work...so we'd reschedule at your convenience. Ugh. Maybe I was a doormat.

[JoelBarish]

I saw you buying candy. Was it for your boys? Probably for Uncle Fester huh. How sweet! I know you won't be thinking of me tomorrow. I sure will do my best not to think of you. I wish you and your memory was erased.

 

You REALLY looked all dolled up (sarcasm). You looked like a clown. I'm grateful that I am not with you anymore...I would be EMBARRASSED to be seen with you looking like that. You look like a CLOWN! Your shirt looked like you have been attacked by a weed eater! Your hair looks like a bleached out behive from the 1950's! You are a joke! Eff VDAY and Eff you, ya FREAK!

 

Stay out of my town and stay out of my life!

[JoelBarish]

PS keep the damn money! I don't want to see your ass again! Am I being unclear?

[JoelBarish]

Okay okay, I know I am only talking to myself here...but I still feel bad about what I said. I know that you are a good person. I'm just so angry and upset. Luckily I can vent here because I would never be so hateful to you...

 

Happy VDAY to you tomorrow Robbin. Happy 2 years that never was. Now I swear that I will not log on tomorrow

[AnyaNova]

Why?

 

Can you just bloody tell me why the silence? Why the coldness? Why the illogic of it all when we just get on so bloody well?

 

Whatever.

 

I guess I've gotten quite alright with the idea that we will never be anything romantically.

 

I guess now I have to deal with the idea that we will never be even friends or even cordial acquaintances.

[uku383]

Beautiful

 

You don't want me. I need to accept that. I need to let you go.

 

It's impossible to tell you how much I don't want to let you go.

 

As for my future, well I'm not sure. Everything is o scary, but I need to let things roll.

 

I actually feel angry at you now. I'm angry for you breaking up with me, for not waiting to see if I could shake my depression. I'm angry because you say that you don't love me any more.

 

I will always love you. Always.

 

Ahhh... you are someone I love. You are the person I want to talk with on the phone. You are the person I want to hold at night. You are the person I want to massage.

 

Please be with me.

 

I love you.

[Never Again]

Why?

 

Can you just bloody tell me why the silence? Why the coldness? Why the illogic of it all when we just get on so bloody well?

 

Whatever.

 

I guess I've gotten quite alright with the idea that we will never be anything romantically.

 

I guess now I have to deal with the idea that we will never be even friends or even cordial acquaintances.

 

It's better that you're not.

 

Those roles come with their own sort of terrible hope, even if it's unspoken and unrecognized.