Post here instead of contacting your ex!

February 4, 2014

you promised forever and a day but then you took it all away! :[

February 4, 2014

So, you texted me last night and, like a fool, I answered the message. I don't know why. I just have this strange need to answer the phone anytime someone calls me, whoever it is.

And you say, "Please don't get mad at me for asking? But have you relapsed?"

(note: I had a drug problem that I got help for and have been clean for five years...long before we ever started dating)

I tell her no, I haven't and ask why she would even think such a thing.

Well, she tells me the last time she saw me two weeks ago when we had her phone put in her name I looked "haggard and disheveled."

Excuse me, but could it have been that I was anxious as hell to see her and really had no desire to see her anymore. She could leave it alone. Just one more jab directed at me. And even on the 1-in-a-10,000 chance I had been, what does she care? She's the one who dumped me when I had done nothing wrong. And even though I didn't owe her any explanation, I told her I was nervous and a little anxiety-riddled to see her and that I hadn't been sleeping well the last month (both 100% true). Did she respond? Of course not.

I just wanted to tell her to mind her own business, but I couldn't do that. I had to explain myself. And for anyone who knows anything about drug addiction, the logic is if a person "explains themselves" they must be using again. She did it just to get under my skin and, unfortunately, it worked. I just wish I knew why she has to be so cruel. She got her wish. She's rid of me now. Just leave me alone and pretend I'm dead. After all, she was the one who said, "now you're just somebody that I used to know" after pouring my heart out to her. Thanks to this woman, I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to trust again. At least not completely.

February 4, 2014

Damn you. I saw you at the library the other day and you don't care at all.

You are so far over me it isn't even funny. Maybe you are with that other guy, maybe not. But here it is almost 5 months since we have been apart and you are just as content as can be that we aren't together.

Even before we broke up you were hurting me and you didn't care. You were hurting me more and more and I stupidly believed that you loved me and needed me and that we would work it out.

Why wasn't I enough for you? Why couldn't you leave other men alone? I treated you like a queen. I babied you. I was always there for you. We were best friends. How could you so easily walk away from that?

I hope you are happy now. I hope it was effing worth it whatever you threw me away for. Don't tell me you threw me away to be unhappy with someone else.

February 4, 2014

You know, I used to dream about having a life with you.

I always thought I'd be the girlfriend who would have dinner for you after work, make you meals for your lunches. I've got the culinary background, I do all my healthy cooking, and I know you would have loved to be in on it. I dreamed about going to bed with you, waking up with you, everyday, not just once a week. The infinite cuddling, seeing you everyday, being near you everyday.

I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to take trips with you, vacations, all over Europe, we both wanted to see Ireland. That could have been us on a honeymoon.

You walked away from everything we could have had, and I still hold on. You're the one who lost out, you lost me, someone who would have given you the world. I obviously lost someone who didn't care. So why should I?

February 4, 2014

You wanted to marry me and treated me like dirt.

What kind of logic was that?

I am not a thing. You can't lie to me and expect me to stay.

I'm sad today...

February 4, 2014

So I am posting this to you Tim, but not as my ex anymore (I mean, technically you are), but as the friend I wish you could be.

Everything (okay, most things, including the university I attend for grad school) in our area seems shut down because of the winter storm. I tend to suspect that given the investment your place of business makes in all of you, in terms of continuing ed and just learning your job, that you guys have the day off to ensure that nothing happens to any of you. :-)

So I wonder what you are doing, today. Perhaps alone in your condo playing on the computer, playing with your projector set, and your blu-ray (I guess, the blu-ray won, huh?).

I've kind of gone and developed feelings for someone else now. And though I suspect nothing will ever come of it, despite my hopes, it is nice. He is nice. And the way he looks at me (the one thing that really keeps me hoping).

But I kind of do wish that you'd just give me a call and say hi. I don't at this point want anything with romantic with you. But I think we could be friends. And I wish we could be.

Edit: I am an idiot. I should know what you're doing. Studying for your CPA. I hope it goes well.

Edited February 4, 2014 by AnyaNova

February 4, 2014

You seriously don't understand why we can't be friends? Maybe you're not a malicious jerk. Maybe you're just completely clueless. I don't feel like I deserved any of the hurt that you caused me. I was loyal to you, I was honest with you, and I loved you. Regardless of whether you think that you did the right thing or you think what you've said is justified, I don't feel like I deserved the hurt that it caused. I would like to be friends with you. I would love to go back to the way things used to be, but the things that were said can't be unsaid and the things that were done can't be undone and I wouldn't feel good about myself if I allowed you to waltz back into my life like nothing happened.

February 4, 2014

Well, you come back into my life, wanting help. You know I can't refuse if your crying your eyes out at me on the phone wanting help. I let you back in, support you, take you to see help. Then like always, once your done with me, you throw me away. It's too easy for you. Thanks for nothing.

February 5, 2014

It's these really cold nights that are hard. All I want is to cuddle up next to you, bury my face in your chest like I used to. You made me feel safe.

I still love you, unfortunately.

February 5, 2014

i wish you'd come back so I could tell you to go away.

After everything you've put me through, and I've always be decent with you. It is your loss, I truly believe it. Go be the lads lad you want to be, get drunk every weekend, chase as many girls as you can, have lads holidays and take the p***.

You will never truly love anyone. You will marry the girl your with at the time you decide to settle, NOT because your that in love with her.

I don't understand why your so determined to be friends. A long term relationship is not just about lust and sparks. Its about spending life with someone who makes you happy. You had no respect for us and no respect for me. I can do better without you.

February 5, 2014

It's amazing and scary for me to realize what you are really like. It's no wonder you lied to me for months about leaving me for my friend; if I had known the truth, I might not have considered you to still be a good person. And each lie you told, each time you used me, it got harder and harder to say the truth.

If you actually believe that lying to my face and getting your friends in on it was good for me, you don't know me, not even close. I hope for your sake, that was the case. But if you knew, deep down, that those lies were not for me but for you, probably to avoid having to feel bad (for being a responsible adult!), then I don't know you. And from what I have seen from you in the past few months, I don't want to know you anymore.

What happened to the woman I love? Did she change, or was she always just a fake?

I have been completely honest with you since the break. The grand irony here is that I have been honest and you didn't believe me, and you lied over and over and I believed you were telling the truth. You have no idea how much I love you (or at least who I thought you were). I would have fought so hard for us given the chance, but you just gave up and went after my friend after our first real fight after 5 years together.

It may not be good for my pride, but it is what I feel is right so I will say it anyways. I am sorry for the time I embarrassed you by saying the only reason I came to the musical was because you wanted me to. I am sorry for making you feel stupid the time I said I didn't feel like playing a simple game and wanted to play a complex one. I never thought you were stupid.

And now I guess you've proved you aren't. You completely played me. You told me you still cared about me when what you really cared about was not wanting me to be angry with you. You acted like you still might want to get back together 2 months after the BU, when 2 weeks after, you were going after my friend. AT BEST, your intentions in saying that can be ascribed to keeping me in your back pocket.

I get it. You won in the breakup. You were the deceiver, not the deceived. You found someone else first. You hurt me more than I hurt you. You moved on quicker and got the job you wanted while I am still looking. Of the mutual friends who feel the need to pick sides, you will get most of them. You even probably gave up your virginity to this "friend" of mine after being with him for only a couple months after we were together for 5 years and we promised each other we would wait. I know you said you were joking when you sent that text to my best friend, but I don't believe you when you told her that. If it wasn't serious, then I think you knew it would get to me, as she and I talk about everything. I am done letting you get a rise out of me. If I react to finding out anything about you, it will be because I still care about you even after how horrible you have been to me. And I am not ashamed to still care about you. Maybe if you understood that, you wouldn't be so cruel and manipulative.

I think your relationship with my "friend" is insane. He was the first available guy when we started fighting. He isn't over his ex, and is much younger than you in more ways that one. The relationship was built on lies, you taking advantage of me to spend time with him. You lied to someone who loves you about caring about them to use them to have an opportunity to get closer to his friend. And both of you are comfortable with that being the means of establishing your relationship? You went after him not two weeks after dumping me after 5 years. I know when I tell you how I feel, you try to think the opposite is true. Well I will say it anyways. Someday, you are going to look back at how reckless and immoral you were in rushing into this relationship with him, and in the way you went about it. And I hope when the **** hits the fan and you remember you have a conscience and you see a twinge of the kind, selfless woman that I love, that you aren't trapped and still have time to find someone who is right for you.

I am so mad at you sometimes. But at the end of the day, I pray that you can find honesty and remember what you were like and how wonderful you were when you did the right thing.

February 5, 2014

I still miss you so much F...I know you might be married now 9 months later since you got engaged right after you left me or with a new girlfriend who "turns you on so much more than I ever did"...but I still love you and I still think of us as making love like you used to say instead of just ****ing...

I miss you.....y te me vas........the last song you sent to me...I listened to it today again after so many months...and forever and for always....I'm so sorry for being mean and always fighting and being a smartmouth. If I could reverse time and start all over I would treat you like my king....honestly. I know you hate me now and think i'm incredibly unattractive and I will never hear your happy, sweet voice again, but I remember it so clearly.....I love you babe.

I wish you gave 2nd chances...I'm just so sorry...I don't even know what to say now

promete me k no me vas a dejar sin tu amor..............you promised..):

February 5, 2014

How it would go if I messaged him today...im R

R: i miss you so much..

F: lol

R: how have you been?

F: ok

R: that's great.. I'm just like your ex..I can't get over you..sorry..

F would now call me in a dead dull voice

F: well im engaged/married now

R: aww congratulations!! blahblahblahblahblah..........I love you ):

F: just leave me alone you creep, let it go

R: i cant..please give me another chance

F: leave me alone. you're so pathetic. you make me feel sooo wanted haha i dont owe your boring ass anything.

And he would put the phone down while I'd start crying.

Lol im such a loser..so pathetic. love does this to even the most hardheaded and hardhearted of us..

February 6, 2014

One last thought to my ex,

I just thought of this, I don't necessarily think this, but if it is...

If you decided that you were gay, all those things that could be problematic with exes being friends, completely wouldn't be.

I don't think that is the case at all, but if it were, we could definitely be friends. I guess I don't understand when that article was so damn wrong why we can't be friends.

Oh well.

February 6, 2014

Cast Away is on tv tonight... Do you remember when we watched it and you made fun of me for crying at the end?

I wish you and I could have had a movie romance, but even these two don't get back together in the end.

I hate going to bed without you. I've cried myself to sleep for the past 4 days. Why do I still love you, and miss you? It's obvious you don't care. You dropped me, you haven't even tried contacting me. How can you spend a year with someone and then just disappear? I thought the world of you, but now I'm starting to think you really were an a*shole in disguise.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Xemyd

February 6, 2014

A letter that I wrote to my ex, a letter that I will never send him.

____

It was really hard for me to say goodbye to you. Incredibly hard because you are a beautiful, honest person and you didn't hurt me purposefully. The only problem was your inability to get over your ex and my fear that you would not be able to prioritize me in a relationship because of those lingering feelings. I regret telling you goodbye sometimes, a lot of the time actually. I felt like I was developing a strong, deep friendship with you pretty quickly and I wish that we had a longer time to explore our relationship as friends... perhaps the transition to a relationship would've been easier if we didn't meet in the context of looking for a romantic relationship. But we moved too fast; and it would've been uncomfortable for us to proceed as friends, as if our romantic history was just fiction. The lingering tension and passion would've been unbearable, and I am sure we both would've been heartbroken had the other person found a new partner.

But I ask myself constantly, is the current state of affairs any better? You and I seeing other people (or at least that's what we say we are doing) when in reality all I can do is think about you, and whether you are thinking about me? In some ways I am content without dating at the moment, and I am not going out of my way looking for anyone. Maybe it's because I've already found what I wanted in you and I am still holding out hope that you will grow and we can give us a chance again. Maybe because I am too heartbroken from the constant rejection of people who flatter me with compliments but then can't commit to me. I felt that you were different though, that you were genuine.

I can't understand why you aren't over this girl, and at least you were willing to admit that your lingering attraction to her is dumb...but that still doesn't fix the fact that you are not over her. Your relationship was short and she left you without closure, just silence. No one deserves to be dumped like that, especially someone with your qualities. What pisses me off most about our situation is that despite the bond that we formed in such a short period of time it was not enough to placate your feelings for her. She has that much hold over you, that a new woman who cares about you, who clicks with you, who encourages you to grow... you still aren't over her. You need to get over her for yourself, not for me, but you don't realize that you deserve better and that is what hurts. You don't realize that I am better and that I WANT YOU and that hurts even more. It hurts me because despite all of the effort I put into a relationship with you, and all the vulnerabilities we both laid out on the table about past relationships, our fears and weaknesses, you ran away from the problems and resigned from confronting the issues that you admitted to having.

I have a problem internalizing romantic rejection, which is funny because I am in a profession where rejection is standard, and I've been involved in critiques my whole life, through art and science. I usually handle rejection pretty well, I can put on a smile and keep on going about. But this hurt more than a little. It hurt a lot. I didn't expect to be rejected by you AND IN TURN have to reject you, because things were going so well between us. I was cautious but not hesitant, eager but not clingy. I didn't do anything wrong but I still feel like I failed. Yet I know, logically, that I can't control how you feel about someone, and because I was not a fly on the wall during your relationship with the last girl I have no idea how deep your feelings run for her or why... what she had that I don't have.

I still have a false sense of hope that you are not lost to me forever, but I need to lose that comfort blanket, it is wet and itchy. It is just infecting the wound that is my broken heart. But I don't want to go out and see other people. In some ways I am afraid of opening up to someone again, because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to you and what came out of it? Nothing but pain. Immense pain. The thought of going through that over and over again makes me ill, despite my desire to love, despite my desire to enter a life-long union with someone. I just feel devastated right now and burnt out, angry that I've achieved so much in my 25 years of life yet the one thing I crave most eludes me: love.

That isn't your problem though, but with you my own problem was magnified. I have a hard time opening up to people, I've always been a shy person, willing to fade into the background in a situation and lead from behind. I am good at building personal façades, my friends think I am strong, independent, confident, and sassy. I am all of those things to a degree, but I am much more too, and I allowed you to see those facets of me that very few people have had the privilege of seeing. I allowed you to see my most authentic self, the independent girl that is afraid of loneliness, the confident girl who is not afraid to admit her short-comings and areas of doubt, the weak little girl within me who knows abandonment and dishonesty but has risen from the piles of lies others buried her in.

My first boyfriend—the one who lied, cheated, and lied—told me (before I started dating him) that you have to be open to getting hurt if you want to find love. I think there was some wisdom in his words. I don't think I am open to getting hurt anymore. I am realizing just how weak I am, how exhausting this process is. Maybe I just lack the patience. Maybe I lack a lot of things I'm just too daft to see and that's why I can't find it. who knows, I surely don't. And the whole, "it's not you, it's me" response I get after break-ups doesn't help. Something is off and I can't put a finger on it, my friends can't put a finger on it, and even if you can feel the pulse of the problem you are not giving me the reading. So I am lost, hopeless, broken. Maybe that's what you are too. Too lost, too broken, lacking hope that you can't see how great you are, how desired you are. Not open to love anymore because you're filled with fear and resentment from countless rejections. I don't want to live a life like that, and I hope that you don't either, because I know that we both deserve so much better than that, even if it's not with each other.

But just because I deserve something doesn't mean I am going to get it. And I am simply tired of looking, tired of hoping. I am ready to resign to what seems like my fate. I can't even cry about it anymore, funnily enough, because I've been pondering it so much lately. I know not to seek happiness from others and do my best to find happiness within (failing at that too I guess) but even when I am exuding happiness—and to be honest, I've been very happy lately despite our breakup—I think about how much happier I'd be if I could share my happiness with someone. If I could share someone else's happiness and celebrate their successes, and comfort them in their failures. To me that is what I seek in love, a complementary relationship, and there were so many qualities in you that complimented me well that it's hard saying goodbye to you and the dreams I had of us. Not that I believe in love at first sight or anything like that, but with you I could see a future. And it's hard saying goodbye to that. It's devastating, partially because I don't know if I will get the opportunity, or have the desire, to dream up a future with someone else... and if I do, will that future exceed expectations? Would reality, with you or someone else, exceed expectations? Who knows. It's best not to ponder these uncertainties, best to get my heads out of the clouds. I said goodbye and I can't look back. I just need to trudge forward

February 6, 2014

"Nothing is important".

Music has been the best thing for me since we broke up.

I think you're just a ghost now, and (maybe) you always have been that.

Existing, but not "being".

I was damn happy before I met you. I'll be fine.

I truly would think twice if you came back and pleaded... But that is not fair.

I'll never forget you, but I don't love you anymore.

February 6, 2014

So I am posting this to you Tim, but not as my ex anymore (I mean, technically you are), but as the friend I wish you could be.

Everything (okay, most things, including the university I attend for grad school) in our area seems shut down because of the winter storm. I tend to suspect that given the investment your place of business makes in all of you, in terms of continuing ed and just learning your job, that you guys have the day off to ensure that nothing happens to any of you. :-)

So I wonder what you are doing, today. Perhaps alone in your condo playing on the computer, playing with your projector set, and your blu-ray (I guess, the blu-ray won, huh?).

I've kind of gone and developed feelings for someone else now. And though I suspect nothing will ever come of it, despite my hopes, it is nice. He is nice. And the way he looks at me (the one thing that really keeps me hoping).

But I kind of do wish that you'd just give me a call and say hi. I don't at this point want anything with romantic with you. But I think we could be friends. And I wish we could be.

Edit: I am an idiot. I should know what you're doing. Studying for your CPA. I hope it goes well.

It's cute to me how you kind of still care about him.

I feel the same about my ex, but I try to convince myself that I shouldn't, he treated me really bad when we broke up.

It's weird. I know that even when I don't want him back (in a relationship), he "took a part of me" and I'll never be able to be the same ever again.

I know I can be happy again, but something has changed deep inside.

February 6, 2014

I should have known you couldn't "do the commitment thing" when I realized that you still can't understand why your wife divorced you 10 years ago. I should have wondered why you can't feel love when you say you love your teenage kids but only see them once a month and almost never call or text them in between. I should have realized that you had a problem when I saw you needed to play video games for 4 or 5 hours a day after work to chill out and you are 50 years old. I should have thought more about why you need to drink and gamble so much. Still love you a lot - but I think I dodged a bullet.

February 6, 2014

How could you do that to me? After telling me you loved me and connecting emotionally and physically with me, how could you sit there and tell me that you were just looking? You were a site built to find relationships 1 day after our committed relationship ended. It continues to tear me up inside. You have said such a horrible thing to your friend about me, why would you do that? I may of not been interesting to you at the time or you may of been going through your own issues, but my feelings counted and the fact that you could just turn around and feel the need to replace me, hurts. I have never said anything horrible once, ever about you to anyone, I had told people how caring, loving and committed of a guy you were, but now no matter what I say today, no one that day that saw your profile believes me. I sat there with tears rolling down my face and building up in my lap in disbelief. Because, you wanted to see what was out there? I was mourning over your ass every day for the past week feeling like I lost the love of my life and you acted like NOTHING mattered to you. Tell me why so I can move on with our relationship...but you will never see this, so I guess you can't.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Lunatrue

February 7, 2014

It's cute to me how you kind of still care about him.
I feel the same about my ex, but I try to convince myself that I shouldn't, he treated me really bad when we broke up.
It's weird. I know that even when I don't want him back (in a relationship), he "took a part of me" and I'll never be able to be the same ever again.
I know I can be happy again, but something has changed deep inside.

I think I can because he didn't intentionally do anything to hurt me. He was and is (I am sure, still) essentially a very good guy.

February 7, 2014

So yeah, I'm posting this, and it is to you, Tim, and it is not yet notification of finding someone new.

It is just that this blizzard got me thinking about everything, and just how wrong it seems that we can't, with everything we were to each other at one time, find someone way to be friends or maintain some sort of connection.

And though I'm definitely over you and developing feelings for another guy, the strangeness, the wrongness of us (when we got on so incredibly well) not being able to even manage friends, I guess seems to be exemplified by this song, perhaps with switched genders for me, since I'm a woman, and without the references to still loving the other in that way.

February 7, 2014

Hey Gorgeous. Schnugglebutt. Fluffanator.

Miss you so much. I'm struggling. I hope you appreciate me not contacting you, it has been really hard some days.

I can't help but sill feel that this is not how things were meant to turn out for us. What happened to our dream of making that place beautiful together? Of marriage and children? Amazing how quickly it all fell to pieces. I can't get my head around it.

Where are you living now? Can I see you some time? No rehashing. I promise. We could take the dogs for a walk in the forest.

I can't believe it meant so much to me and so little to you. I'm crushed. An empty shell. I just can't seem to pick myself up from this. And you? Are you happier now? Does it still seem right to you?

I remind myself every single day what you said after you dumped me: that you do not want to be in a relationship with me, that in your heart of hearts you know that I'm not the right person for you.

Maybe in time you will realise what you have lost. I wonder if you will meet another man who will love you the way I do. I guess time will tell.

Take care. Hope to chat to you soon.

R

February 7, 2014

Its funny how your gut is always right. I have always known I am not going to marry you and have children and a life together, but I WANTED those things. I guess my gut was right, that is wasn't you.

You left me again, and this time I don't want you back. You said there was no spark in the relationship, but you never put effort in to correct it. You are not the type of guy I want a loving relationship with. When did you ever do anything nice for me? When did you ever do anything or behave like I was the one girl you wanted to be with. And to think I had once wanted to marry you, and yet a life with you would have been so boring. I would have been wasted on you. You contact me to see how I am, and yet want nothing from me. I am so glad I am in a place where I don't want you. you broke my heart, and acted as if it was me. When all the issues are yours. You've lost out, not me. I hope ill haunt you with regret when you realise what you had.

February 7, 2014

I'm writing right now because I can no longer take this. I need to release everything I've been experiencing these past few days. I really hope that I hurt you some way. I hope that everytime I told you "Go back to New Mexico" it hurt you somehow. I hope that you dont know the truth. That I still think about you, miss you and at times cry for you. I hope you think the complete opposite. I hope to someday hear from you. Tomorrow would have been our 4 year anniversary. And Wed is my bday. My first bday alone in over 10 years. David I cant believe you dont miss me. This woman cannot mean more to you than me. I just cannot accept it. I suspect that she gives you money. I miss you I cant lie. Time is all I have now...

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