Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[AnyaNova]

It seemed appropriate to post this as an epitaph for our relationship.

 

Epitaph for the relationship between Tim and I

 

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

 

Neil Gaimon

[EnigmaWolf92]

Dam girl get out of my head. Can't wait to get out of this area and College been four months and still so easy for you to slip into the picture when your not relevant.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I know I'm playing with fire by responding to your texts..

 

I tell myself, keep it friendly/keep it neutral. Why do you have to say you miss seeing me, that you think about me a lot, that you want to meet up and say "hi" soon. Why do you have to txt me, " have a good day, beautiful."

 

What are you doing?

 

No matter. The situation between us has not changed. You're still the same man who walked away from me 5 months ago. You're still the same person who looked into my eyes and told me that you didn't see a future with me. You are still the same person who broke up with me multiple times before this last one.

 

I opened up my heart and loved you like no other but you neither appreciated nor valued this. I loved you despite your impossible ego.

 

Even if you emphatically state that you want me back, it would never work. You are not capable of having a healthy relationship.

 

I am fully aware that had I kept NC I would probably not be dealing with these emotions. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy being single but I'm still stuck thinking about you constantly.

 

I still love you.

 

This is why I can't see you yet...

[Ambiguity]

And we had an interesting conversation about the drama surrounding the relationships between our friends and their ex's. Truthfully I was a bit shocked to learn of how some of them were born.

 

In the midst of this conversation, our friend (we'll call him K) said that your boyfriend was "all over" another girl who already has a boyfriend, that he is still, quite frankly, crazy about her. K also told me that your guy even TOLD you he still has a small crush on her. Likewise, I was told that K's girlfriend wishes you were here to see it happen. I wish you and I both could be there to see the inevitable drama. However, all will be revealed in time, and when you open your eyes and see that this isn't right, I will be there to put a smile on your face just like I did when we dated.

 

Why do you put up with it? Is it because you've done the same thing to me, so you feel that you can't say anything about it? Is it because he puts up with you and you feel obligated to do the same?

 

I had a nice shower tonight, and while furiously cleansing my body, I had a lengthy internal monologue about all of this and what I would do when the truth comes out. Yes S, I thought about what I would do and how I would feel when your relationship crumbles (which I predict will be very soon after your honeymoon phase has ended.) I thought about the tears that will flow and the sorrow and emptiness you will feel knowing that the guy you like and wanted to get to know so much is much different than you thought: a polar opposite of me. I thought about how I would treat you despite all of the hurt and neglect through which you put me. I thought about all of the pain I've had to endure and the sanity I've lost and will lose during this period. And do you know what I would do when things between y'all end, with all the bitterness and anger apparent in me? Do you know what I would say and do to you with so many emotions and thoughts rushing through my head?

 

I will hold you in my arms as tightly as I possibly could and not let you go. I will hold you until your tears and sadness, anger and jealousy, sorrow and emptiness went away and I saw that beautiful smile that I will always love and adore. I will kiss your forehead like I used to, rock you in my arms, and say "everything will be okay, I promise." I will comfort and love you. I will be there for you no matter what, just like I said I would many months ago.

 

But why? Why would I treat you so well after all of the heartache you put me through and all the times you wronged me?

 

The answer is simple really. It's because I love you. I could say it a thousand times, but you wouldn't understand what I mean.

 

The love I have for you extends further than any relationship. Above all else, I wish for your happiness, even if it isn't with me. Seeing you in pain kills me more than you can imagine. Please S., let me care for you. Let me love you more than he ever could, more than I ever thought I could love. Let me show you how much I truly adore and treasure you. Let me be the guy you love above all others.

 

Because at the end of the day, S., regardless of whatever drama happens between us...

 

I love you.

[purplehues]

"When we tried to rework all of this

Each to her rendition

Painted ourselves in a corner

Lost for ideas, blindly fishing

For a compliment or kindness

Just to bring us into view

But you could not interpret me and I could not interpret you"….

[falxmanolo]

Stupid. That's the only word that comes to my mind right now.

 

Stupid of me to have had so much faith (I am SO dumb)...okay I can't even type here because that's how frustrated I am. I can't. You never frickin loved me. It's so much more obvious day after day. It's like this constant feeling of stupidity., How could I be so stupid? I HATE YOU. Sorry I don't believe in hating anybody but for bringing out the worst in me I hate you. Now I'm done crying and I cried today after like two weeks... and now I'm going to watch house. Glad you're enjoying your miserable life. BYE

[Mondmellonw]

So Okay, I'm trying to beat up my homework.

I feel fine today, but I hate the fact I can't go out.

Somehow, being at home reminds me of you, even of your smell, that sucks.

Yesterday was a strange day. Felt close to you, wich of course, is nothing similar to the truth, or to how I should feel right now.

 

School, however, makes it easier.

Oh, and yeah, you lied. I don't owe you anything.

[True Gent]

I dream of you every night. Do you know how much I love you? I asked you to be my wife, that was because I truly wanted you as my life partner. No one else even turns my head all I wanted was you. 9 years with you and my love never faded for you, but yours did for me even though I gave all I could to you.

 

You've hurt me so badly, how could you end it the way you did? You won't even give me no contact because you insist you want to share our dogs. I'll have to be the one who'll loose them too but first you're leaving the country for 4 months before I can do that.

 

How difficult can you make this for me? Why text me about how much of a comfort the dogs are to you? Why do you need comfort? You chose to leave, you have a new boyfriend? Is your new life not quite so Rosy?

Edited January 26, 2014 by True Gent

[Itspointless]

Did our short time together really happen? It seems like a dream. But why would I dream about health-problems and being pushed away. You reacted with an old defence mechanism and left me perplexed. I already got used to this rotten image that apparently is part of this word and the way you handle life. I should know better, but I miss you.

[AnyaNova]

I won't get into the habit again of posting to you.

 

But I thought I should make this correction. The guy who my intuition (granted my badly B vitamin depleted at the time, intuition) said was probably you visiting my profile put up a pic.

 

It is not you. Dude looks similar to you in the dark hair and some features, but it is not you. His build is significantly different.

 

The thing about intuition is, in many cases for me it is very right.

 

But it can be very wrong as well.

 

Just thought I should correct that.

[bubblesbursted]

Hi N

 

I hate and love you as well. I hate you for doing this to me and I hate you more for doing this on a stupid text instead of manning up and do it face to face. And I hate you more because you arent affected even a tiny bit after almost 3 years and I hate you most because I freaking still love you! God dammit. I cant shake you off my head but I wont contact you anymore because I am doing this for me now, no matter how hard it is. I am disappearing from your life. This girl is gone.

 

~P

[wistfulgirl]

Don't expect any response or acknowledgment from you anymore, I'm well aware you're done with me now. Had logged off fb nye until today, and I had hoped (and wrongly assumed) you'd have replied with at least a "happy new year" or "take care" or even just a few xx's just so I could be left thinking that you gave even the slightest sh*t about me, but you obvs didn't think I deserved that much.

I sent such a nice heartfelt message even after u accused me of lying and were so dismissive of me, but you couldn't even have the decency to consider my feelings or acknowledge what I'd said at all. But why would you, you don't have any use for me anymore so why pretend to give a f*ck when it no longer benefits you? You call me a liar, when I've never once lied to you - you lied to me! You made me believe we had something and u really cared about me, you told me you loved me, used me, threw me away, f*cked with my head, did it all over again, kept me dangling on, disposed of me when you found someone "better", accused me of being a f*cked up liar, ignored me when I got upset trying to defend myself then twisted the knife further by leaving it so nastily then refusing to acknowledge me at all.

Everything you ever said to me was a lie as if you ever cared about me you couldn't be so cruel and hurtful to me after everything. All I've ever done is love you, believe all the things you've said, trust you, want the best for you, risked my whole life for you and tried to make you happy. But you've convinced yourself I'm the bad guy and have written off everything about me that we've shared and chosen to believe your poisonous friends lies. But why should you give a f*ck about me? You only wanted the ride and said what you had to say to get what you wanted from me before throwing me in the bin when you met someone actually worth treating with respect. You told me you didn't want/couldn't handle a relationship then promptly "settled down" with a girl off plenty of fish who was actively looking for a boyfriend, and who according to your best friend was "chosen for you by her" but is "too opinionated and keeps trying to change you." If you ever have a daughter I wonder if you'd be happy with someone treating her the way you treated me? But I was obviously not good enough for you to actually treat well, just to f*ck and toy with when you wanted an ego boost.

You've had all the validation in the world from me but made me feel completely worthless in return. You've destroyed all my memories of you so all I can feel now when I think of the times we shared is pain. And I don't give a f*ck about sending you a "guilt tripping" message as you clearly have no compassion for me or remorse for how you've treated me. But of course you're the good guy, after all you have a conscience and couldn't handle an affair so nobly walked away...after you'd f*cked me and broken me down. But of course I deserved it, Laura says I'm a delusional f*cked up liar (and she's a trustworthy source and has never lied to you in her life!) Believe whatever the f*ck you want, whatever eases your conscience and makes you feel like the better person. I could only see the best in you and put you on a pedestal, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and trusted you so I guess I got what I deserved. Thanks for teaching me a valuable lesson - to be cold hearted and keep your feelings shallow and changeable. And say whatever's convenient for you at the time, take what you want then place all blame on the other person and walk away free of guilt!

I'm obviously a psycho to actually believe I meant something to you and to still care after all this time, more fool me. I don't want (or expect!) another apology, it's completely meaningless as actions speak louder than words and after all, you've moved on so my feelings are irrelevant

[SimonSerenade]

It's been a long time now since I last saw you, hardly even feels like we happened at all, it's just so hard to comprehend as we seemed so right together whenever we were side by side, I can't recall a time it didn't seem perfect, I still miss you sometimes, and for what it's worth, I've forgiven you, and I've let it go, I really appreciate the time we had together, it was pretty special, definitely precious, it came at a time when I think I really needed it, and though it hurt like hell when it didn't end well, I still look back fondly at the memories we had, I'd like to believe I meant something to you, though I know the evidence is there to say otherwise, but I'm sure at one point in time I really did mean everything to you, I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but I hope you recognized that I made radical changes to try and be that for you, though at that point, it was probably too late, I don't hold any bad feelings towards you anymore, I'm sure you had your reasons to do what you did, I hope you have a great life, you were always such a lovely person and you deserve it, a part of me will always love you, at least for now anyway, you were the last person I was with, the last person I kissed, the last person I said I love you to, the last everything, that probably won't change for a long time, as I'm just really happy on my own and honestly, I think I could stay this way till the day I die and have no regrets.

 

I do hope one day I have all those special feelings with somebody once again, I hope you do too, if you haven't already, if not, I think I'd be happy knowing you were the last person I was with, for old time's sake, I love you darling, have a fantastic life.

[Ambiguity]

"You'll only realize that you truly love someone if they already caused you enormous pain. Your enemies can never hurt you the way your loved ones can. It's the people close to your heart that can give you the most piercing wound. Love is a double-edged sword, it can heal the wound faster or it can sink the blade even deeper."

 

S., you have caused me an immense amount of pain and suffering, and chances are it won't end soon. However, regardless of this fact, I still love and adore you more than any other person on this planet. People have told me to forget you, but in the words of Misao Makimachi, "how is forgetting about the one person I care about the most in the entire world suppose to ever make me happy?"

 

Because at the end of the day...

 

I love you S., and I always will.

[dontgiveuponme]

my fiance and me break up today..and we been together for 3 years..its also a long distance relationship but he come vist me in my country every 6 months and stay for 2 months every visit.he visit me again this month for the 5th time but things are different this time we had fights and he go out every time alone.hes also cold to me and all those little fights he blame me for that but im just upset and hurt coz i feel like hes ignoring me and he said not only this time everytime he comes here we fight coz of my attitude he said im moody and jealous but i overcome my jealousy already..

He said im short tempered which i admit i have but i cant remember say really harsh things to him and i only stay mad for an hour or so but now he counts all of that and he said its all my fault..i told him i never realize im being immature and im going to change it and so does my attitude just so he can give me a second chance but he said he dont want me anymore and when i move out for 5 days last time to give him some space he said he so happy and enjoying himself that time which really hurts.

Tell me what to do..is that how big my mistakes really are that he cant give me a second chance and he said he already give me lots of chances before but i said i JUST realized im being immature and promise to be a better person but he dont believe it..im shocked that the 3 years relationship just gone like that and im blaming myself for all of this..

I need advice anyone..He told me before im the sweetest girl he ever meet..i always look after him served him and always show him how much i love him and make him happy all the time.

[Never Again]

I distanced myself from you to survive.

 

But all I really succeeded in doing was becoming boring and weak.

 

Two and a half months before you broke up with me, you were talking about how you couldn't wait until we lived together.

 

Two weeks after that, you gave my parents tickets to a show you were singing in. You were inadvertently inviting our parents to meet for the first time.

 

One week after that I began to emotionally implode. I was sleeping 3 to 4 hours a night, tops. I was having panic attacks almost daily, and being near you made me want to cry. I was terrified of becoming emotionally intimate with you, because I was afraid you'd see how much pain I was in.

 

I had begun blaming myself again for M's suicide again. I couldn't rest. I couldn't be comfortable with you. I began working myself to the brink of exhaustion to keep my mind from dwelling on those awful thoughts.

 

I wanted to move closer to you, to really give a relationship a chance to progress. I guess working tons of overtime, job hunting for countless hours per week, and secretly apartment hunting near you, was a way to convince myself that it was all okay. That even though I had pulled away from you, had pumped the brakes on the relationship, had become a boring, submissive loser...this was a way to convince myself that I was still taking the lead in the relationship somehow, even though you never knew.

 

I planned out our whole summer in those few moments of clarity that I had...but on a day-to-day basis, I couldn't even decide where we should go eat. I forced you to call all the shots in the relationship for 6 to 7 weeks. You drove that relationship all by yourself, with absolutely no help from me.

 

I had become overly accommodating. I think that you realized this too, at least subconsciously. The handful of times you were irritated with something I said or showed you, I backed away from the disagreement immediately. You began uninviting me from trips, yet you still asked me to watch your cat when you were away for work.

 

When it came down to it, this new version of me did not excite you at all. You weren't attracted to me anymore, but it never seemed to dawn on you that this version of me that turned you off wasn't me at all. You knew that there was a lot of negativity in my life, and you knew that I was in a work rut. You said so yourself...but that didn't change your decision at all. Those few weeks were long enough for you to let yourself fall out of love with me.

 

We've been apart more than seven months, and haven't spoken in over three. I still miss you more often than not, but I know you're probably living it up, having an exciting time. I should've been sharing those moments with you...but the stress of my past and present was too pressing.

 

I couldn't take you on those exciting dates anymore. I was painfully dull. I just couldn't let loose and have fun anymore...but you knew I was capable of it, with all the good times we had. We just slowed down for a bit.

 

That was my doing though. I pulled away from you because I didn't want you to think I was weak. I didn't want you to know that every time we showered together for those last two months, when I'd ask you to get out first so that I could finish up, I'd begin to cry the moment the curtain closed behind you.

 

You could pierce my defenses without even trying. You could worm your way into my heart with a single look, and I just couldn't let you do that for a little while. I couldn't handle the intimacy. I knew that if I let you in, you'd see a horribly scarred and tortured soul. I was afraid that you would see the guilt and shame, and that it would repulse you. More importantly, I was afraid of letting myself see those things. I knew they were there, but I layered distraction upon distraction to not confront them.

 

I had several relationships my lifetime, some pretty significant and long-term...but you were different. The connection that we had was genuine and pure, and far deeper than anything I had experienced before.

 

The way you made me feel was...clumsy. Even when I was in my best, I was a fool for you. You had your faults, some of them readily apparent, and some were downright annoying...but I loved each and everyone of them. It was, odd. Uncomfortable. When my emotional state became very unstable, all I could think of was how I could protect you...and protect myself from you.

 

Maybe I should've been more presumptuous. More confident about myself the direction of our relationship. It was hard to maintain a buoyant demeanor - to continue to be funny, light-hearted, confident, charming and playful - when it felt like my sanity was being questioned. I am normally very emotionally stable, but I didn't feel like I was in control anymore. I would be irritable one moment, and nearly crying the next. Mostly, I was hit with a wave after wave of exhaustion and apathy.

 

I knew that I was making poor relationship choices, but it felt like my life was occurring two seconds before I actually experienced it. I was in a constant mental fog that I couldn't shake. Every time I felt like I had screwed up, I tried to do something else to make up for it. I was digging my own grave, and I didn't even know it.

 

And still, I hid. I covered up this horrible vortex inside me. I stuck my head in the sand, hoping that I could deal with it in my own time without having to involve you.

 

But, we're never as tough alone as we may want to think. Had I reached out to you for support, had I let you know exactly what was going on inside, maybe you could've helped me through it. Instead, here I am seven months later...alone, and still dealing with unresolved issues.

 

Funny thing is, I can deal with being alone. Hell, I can even deal with the issues. But losing my best friend...losing the deepest emotional connection I've ever had...losing the first girl I had ever really wanted a future with...that's hard to process.

 

We're strangers once again, and that's painful. Knowing that you're gone forever because of my baggage is a pain that I don't think will ever go away entirely, but will only lessen by degrees.

 

I worked myself to the bone to get rid of pain and build towards something that slipped away faster than I could ever imagine.

 

I've got a long way to go, but it's time to start movin' right along.

[bubblesbursted]

N

 

I miss you so much, it hurts. I miss the time we spent together. I miss the times we laughed , we stared at each other , the times when we cuddled and thought it was the best thing in the world , the times we felt lucky knowing we were both in love with each other. All those times. I cant help but remember and cry and miss you so much. I wish you didnt stop loving me all of a sudden , I wish you would have atleast given this a chance , I wish I knew what I did wrong? I swore to myself , I would become anything you want, do whatever you wanted. I wish it was last week or infact 4 days ago when I still had you with me when you were MINE.

 

I cant let go of us after so long. Our engagement , it was the most perfect thing in the world. It felt right. It made us happy. It was your idea you wanted us to marry you made me see how marriage is something that will make us one. I miss you with me. I miss your love, your care and YOU. I wish you could see it. I wish you would realize that its something you didnt mean. I just keep wishing you would come back because I love you. I love you so much. You made me realize what love is , you taught me how to love you loved me for who I am and I loved me for who i was with you. I didnt have to be anyone but myself and I knew you loved me. But what happened all of a sudden? Where did I go wrong? What did I do? Its hard not to contact you. Its the 3rd day and I dont know how I am still alive. You were the only one who understood me and was there for me in the darkest of times. I wish this was just a bad dream because the N I knew would have never ever done this, he cared way too much for me. He was amazing person. I cant help it. I love you god dammit.

 

~P

[dontgiveuponme]

Hello Ex,

 

You broke up with me today because you said u cant stand my attitude and what is that?jelousy,being moody and short tempered?

Jelousy i overcome that already but u didnt appreciate or see that.Moody?who will be happy u go out from 4pm and go home to me at 4am?Yes maybe i been like this but not all the time and lately im not you just keep looking back and trying to blame me for everything.

Today you break up with me i beg and said give me a second chance and i will change but u said attitude never change so i ddint bother u anymore feeling guilty for throwing our 3 years relationship.

 

After 6 hours i hear from the friend of ours ur cheating on me and keep seeing this girl..

 

How ****ing dare you blame this all to me and call me immature when you are the one thats immature and a coward who didnt tell it straight to my face that u have a new girl thats why ur breaking up on me instead of just blame it all to me?

 

How ****ing dare you disrespect me like that because i never cheated on you.Good luck to you and to your new girlfriend..it hurts like hell right now but im sure ill move on soon..

 

Then ill just look back and laugh at you and say im lucky i found out you are like that now rather than later..

 

I marry someone with a dick rather than marrying a dick..

 

goodluck!!!!

[Loving_Me]

I truly hate you. I will never trust anyone else again. Lesson learnt.

 

I do not like, miss or respect you in any way.

 

 

 

 

Thanks to the OP for creating this thread, feels good to express myself.

Edited January 27, 2014 by Loving_Me

[purplehues]

It's been a week. I had a hard day today and missed you so much, cried on and off…I just feel really empty.

You had someone contact me tonight regarding some house stuff--I suppose I appreciate that it wasn't you contacting me directly, though I sense it's not my feelings you're trying to spare. It's probably that you don't care and it was easier to do it this way. There's probably no thought or feeling behind anything concerning me anymore.

I can't believe that we (well you actually) got here. How could you just stop loving me? I would have fought for you and for us. Just a fool in love.

Keep reminding myself that what we had is gone. You no longer feel the same and quite frankly, neither do I. While I love you so much, something inside me shut off this last week. Maybe it was hope. Or maybe the realization that you walked out on us is getting the best of me. I deserve more than that, I really do.

I wonder what I would do if you came back to me? Don't think I'd have enough strength to resist you, so it's just as well that you're staying away.

A part of me feels like I never knew you. That I was just manipulated and taken for a ride. But a bigger part of me refuses to believe that we were a lie…I just really don't know. But I daresay you confused infatuation with love. You probably didn't mean to, but still--I really think that you don't quite know what love entails. For your sake, I hope I'm wrong.

Also, I will get through this. Maybe not soon, but I will. And I'll hopefully fall in love again.

I'll always wish you well. Perhaps someday you'll realize just how much I loved you. If you do, don't be afraid to reach out and apologize. Regardless of where I am in life, I think that I would very much appreciate that.

[LostConfused123]

You suck!!!!

in case you didn't know

[bubblesbursted]

I woke up having a dream of you. We were together, we were happy. And then it was nothing. I miss you like hell. 2nd of NC and i dont want to get up from the bed. And worse, you also havent contacted me. What happened to you ? what happened to you saying you cant live without me. I cant stop crying.

[Never Again]

The depression and anxiety comes and goes.

 

I'm trying to control it as best I can - but I feel broken.

 

I had NEVER suffered from this before M's suicide. I didn't know what was going on, so I hid it.

 

I hid that I cried daily in April and May. I hid that I wasn't getting enough sleep and couldn't function. I hid that my mind was racing, that I doubted my feelings for you, that I just didn't want to leave the house.

 

I hid that my sex drive had diminished (which was weird considering how great it was between us), that I didn't want to do anything exciting or go on adventures. I always found a reason, usually for your benefit, for me to stay home instead of making the hour drive to you. I hid that I had a headache/head-fog for 6-7 weeks straight.

 

I hid it all because I didn't want you to know...and because I was in denial. I worked myself to the bone to get a new job, to plan our anniversary (I had purchased a very special suit, had found some fabulous Art Deco hotels/restaurants, bought hot air balloon tickets and was looking into shows on Broadway), and apartment search near you.

 

I planned excitement for the future because I knew things were slowing down...but I guess I never should've let them. I should've kept things exciting and fun. I should've kept DATING you, instead of "settling in" and getting comfortable.

 

Oh well. We've been strangers again for awhile now. It's better that way. I'm not built for relationships anyway.

[Saurren]

You suck for doing it over text message.

 

Bye-bye

[TF1975]

It's funny why I never thought about doing this before. You'd think that being a writer, it would have been very natural to think of this. Nice idea. Here's my contribution to the "cause."

 

For over three years, I gave you every bit of myself that I could. And even when other people bad mouthed you, said I could "do better," asked me why I put up with your mistreatment of me -- I always defended you...to the bitter end. Even those times when you either had me close to or had me completely in tears (and yes, I am a guy), I still loved you and would have done anything in this world for you. In fact, I think I came pretty close to doing everything I humanly could for you. Would you like a list? No? Well, you're going to get one anyways.

1) When we worked at the same company, did I ever once tell you I wouldn't work your shift? Even though it often meant working 10, 12, or even 14 hours in one day? If you're honest with yourself, you know I never once said "no," even though you know how much I hated that job. On the days when you got on my ass because the stress of that place was literally killing me and you told me to "suck it up," who was the one asking the other to work? Was it me? No. It was you. Even though I hated that place, I loved you and I did it because I would have and did do everything I could to make you happy.

2) When you were working on your Associates' degree, who was the one who wrote all but literally two of your papers for English, History, Philosophy, Sociology, Psychology and probably something else I'm forgetting about? Yeah, it was this guy. Did you ever even keep track of how many research papers, comparison/contrast essays, response pieces, creative writing assignments and all the others that I did for you? When you add everything up, it has to be well over 100 in a 4-semester period. Do you know how stressful it is for someone like me to feel "responsible" for someone else's grade? Do you even know how much I stressed over every single word for fear that it might harm your GPA. And you didn't help matters by talking about how important that 4.0 GPA goal was! I didn't have that much stress when I was in college and DOING MY OWN DAMN WORK! I never had a girlfriend who I pawned my work off so I could "concentrate on my science classes that I'll actually need for nursing school!" But just like with the job thing, I did it because I loved you and I wanted to help you. Looking back on it, that wasn't helping you. I was hurting you because the reason you take classes outside your primary area of study is to make you a more well-rounded person...something that you sadly aren't.

3) Let me just stop and say that I don't want anyone here to think you didn't ever do anything for me. You did. And I appreciate everything you ever did for me. Even when I borrowed money from, I truly appreciated that. But guess what? I always paid it back. Never once did I ever leave you high and dry. If I borrowed $20 or $100, I always paid it back. But even in the end, when you look at it, you still came out ahead...you got a free phone for almost two years. $50 bill at two years? I shelled out $1200 at least for your phone and never once asked you to pay it back. Because I wanted to do it. I know you'll throw it in my face that you didn't ask me to do it, but I saw it as a way of helping you and doing something caring for you.

4) How many times did I go out running at 10, 11, 12 o'clock at night when you said you wanted a soda or chocolate? You didn't even really have to ask! All you had to do was say, "I want a..." and my feet were in the shoes and keys were in the hands and I was out the door to the store with an "I love you" echoing back before you could even get the rest of the sentence finished. And just like everything else, I did it to express love for you. I know it's not much, but a lot of the time, it was more than you did for me.

I can think of so many other things I did for you...take you to school at the crack of dawn when you didn't want to drive...or to work...or to wherever. Bring you dinner or lunch, do your laundry, clean your room, take out your dog at 7 in the morning when it wasn't my chore to do. Offer to take care of you if you were sick (one of the only things you would never let me do) -- all I would get is "LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU'RE BOTHERING ME! GO HOME!"

Which, I guess, brings us to the next thing. How, in God's name, did I not ever see that you never really even liked me...let alone love me? You liked all the nice things I did for you, but you didn't truly even care about me. If you had, if you had, I doubt you would have ever muttered the phrase I so came to despise, "I love you, but I can't be around you right now. Just...go...home (said with as much contempt as one person can muster)." I guess I just figured since I was your fiance' and/or your boyfriend or whatever label you chose to put on me at whatever designated point it was, you would want to spend time with me like I wanted so desperately to spend with you. I guess that was the wrong thing to think.

And let's not even get into the physical aspect of our relationship. Do you know how damn confusing it is for someone to be wanted for a few days or a couple weeks and then be treated like I was some pariah the next? I told you at the beginning of our relationship that I never wanted you to feel like we were simply having sex. I told you I always wanted you to feel like we were making love...be it that way or just in the simple act of holding each other when we slept. Yet there were so many nights when I would go to sleep alone, even if you were in the bed right next to me. It was only when I finally couldn't go any further in the relationship because I felt so mistreated and neglected and some one else came along that showed me affection and I decided maybe it was time to end ours that you decided you wanted me, after all! And like an idiot, I believed you and came running back to you because I really did love you. No, you just couldn't stand anyone else having something, even if you didn't really want me anymore. It was just jealousy and possessiveness. After that, of course, you did all the breaking up and every single time someone new came along in my life to show me that maybe I was worth being cared about, you had to stick your nose back into my life and exert that I was basically "your property." No one else could have me but you, even though you didn't really love me. I don't know what was sicker. You for doing this or me for allowing it?

I know I wasn't perfect. I did things to irritate you. I could be melancholy and down and suffer from low self-esteem. But guess what? Despite you thinking that your poopie isn't malodorous, it is! You have just as many faults as I do. It's just that, unlike you, I actually loved you for your faults. I didn't just "put up with them," as you once told me about my hang-ups. I never threatened to leave you if you didn't change. If anything, I probably tried way too hard and stayed for way too long.

I guess everything happens for a reason. When we were good, we were very good. But when we were bad, we were very, very horrible for one another. Despite that, I never pressured you to marry me. I would've stayed a thousand times where we were just to have you in my life -- and I did! If any man in this world ever had to "prove" he loved a woman and probably succeeded in the eyes of everyone but her, it was me! For whatever reason, you simply would not let me break down that last wall and let me in.

I will always cherish the time we had together, but I would appreciate it if, as you told me a while back...when you see me with someone who actually can love me for me...go ahead and allow yourself to realize just who and what you allowed yourself to lose. I don't claim to be perfect or a saint, but you can never say a couple of things -- I was always faithful to you, I was always honest with you and I never allowed a single day to go by in the 3 1/2 years we were together to show you in some way (be it a call, text, a gift, a small action, some expression of affection) that I really did love you. After you've let that sink in, just remember---now I'm just somebody that you used to know!

As God as my witness, I will never allow another woman to try and change me to fit their idea of who I should be or who they want me to be. You either love me for the guy I am or you find someone else to try and subjugate and emasculate. I hope you remember that when the next guy comes along. Adieu! Ciao!