Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[AnyaNova]

Tonight, since I have the necessary homework done and am having really bad day (some errands I wanted to get done but I just have too much dignity unless it is absolutely pressing that I get them done NOW to wander about town with tears streaming down my face), I will use the time to finish that second to last post.

 

You know, the time we shared that last night after I got there. The houses (that was so sparkling and hopeful and happy and I remember how similar our tastes were, how we kept automatically reacting to the same ones at the same time), and the pool (mostly nice except for the few weird bits), and the ice cream place and setting up the projector. That was nice and between us and I could write about it and rehash it but I don't want to spoil it somehow by writing it all out.

 

So instead of writing all of that out, I will skip to that second to last post.

 

I will write about the most difficult part. Hope. How naive and stupid I was while getting ready. I know I had the encouragement of several other people who thought that we were getting back together, but still.

 

And then I will force myself to never post on this thread about you again, until I post that I have found someone new. Which, thanks to the AvPD and shyness could be decades from now. Or weeks. Who knows?

 

But for now, (I know, what a preamble, huh?) I will post what I should have been posting. And perhaps, if I need reminding, I might let myself post this one thing more times on this thread, if necessary to drill it into my head. And replace the image of all your pain and grief at sending me away, all your clear and obvious love for me,

 

with this. And nothing else.

 

-----------------------------------

 

You don't want me.

 

You don't need me.

 

You don't love me.

 

You don't care about me.

[JoelBarish]

I know I gave this drawn out goodbye last night but I need to talk to someone. Maybe I will address this one to a different ex.

 

Anyway, I had a rotten day at work. I may have damaged my car. (Not sure) and I didn't get done until after 7. I think that I should quit before they fire me or some other catastrophe happens.The money is good but I am miserable. I just don't think I am cut out for this job. There has to be a job out there that don't give me a heart attack or a head on collision . Ive looked for so long for a good career. I just give up

[LostConfused123]

When I first met you, I couldn't sleep. . . I mean, no dreams could ever be happier than my reality.

 

Then, you let me go. . . . I couldn't sleep because the pain in my poor heart wouldn't allow me to. How does one sleep when their heart is so shredded and torn???

 

I think I finally am on my way to waking up from this horrific nightmare.

[JDPT]

I wish you would rot in hell.

I'm just sorry I still feel hatred for you, that's the only emotion I harbor.

[Thedafox]

If the people who have posted in the last 2 pages wrote a book, I would read it cover to cover nonstop. Absolutely amazing wordplay from you all. I hope the best for all of you still struggling with it.

 

As for me, today was the "dreaded" 3 month mark and I have finally accepted that you are gone out of my life. It happened in the gym when I was doing Lat pulls and at first I just thought " Oh, it's just that usual high I get from doing this ".

 

It's been 4 hours since then and I finally feel some sense of serenity, I think I have finally come to terms with all of this. I don't hate you anymore, I don't feel like I'm in love with you even though I still do care about you immensely. I hope your new Boyfriend takes care of you, I don't want you both to succumb to what made us fail.

 

I hope you get that new job you wanted if I remember correctly, it's so strange not knowing what's going on in your life, but for the first time in 3 months I don't feel the need to know. Ignorance truly is bliss. I'm going to do my first sensory deprivation session next weekend and I'm absolutely excited. It's one of the first things I've done without you and I am so looking forward to it.

[LizzieTotoro]

I think about the memories everyday and I dont hate you, not even a little, im just filled with disappointment thinking about a future we will never have.

 

Its only been two days since we spoke but already I feel calm, at peace but I feel alone and I miss the comfort of your arms around me and just been able to say good morning. I miss my lover and I miss my friend, I miss you.

 

I honestly loved you so much, I wish you could have noticed that.

[Orangecrush55]

Not hearing from you ****ing sucks. In a way I want you to to good in life but then others I wish you would fail miserably. youll never know how much pain you have put me through the last 3 years. The on and offs. The "i love you" to "i hate you". Of course we have broken up times before for a short period before you came back and said you realized what you had done. But this time for some reason feels different. Maybe its because its in the moment but when I hear you say thing like "we are done" or when I have to listen to you tell me to move on it cuts worse than I imagine a knife would. I get physically sick to my stomach or sometimes I will start to shake uncontrollably almost like a shivering cold that I just cant shake. You always thought leaving was the answer. But i truly believe you never go looking for grass thats greener on the other side, you stay the **** in your own lawn and make it greener.

[ElecTriX]

I know that we can't be together, I have accepted it. But god damn.. I still love you so much. I miss our hugs, our kissing, holding hands, just looking in eachothers eyes and smiling. Feeling the love between us.. We were unstoppable, we were a team. You were my best friend, my soul mate and the one I wanted to live the rest of my life with.

 

But I have to move on now and I hope you will be happy with your new life. We both deserve to be happy and apparently it wasn't ment to be with eachother.

 

Good bye Sofie.

[The Situation]

My dreams played a nasty trick on me last night. I believed you were sleeping next to me, but of course, when I woke up you weren't there. Erch. That's not happened before.

[jphcbpa]

I told a friend of mine that we broke up. Both he and his g/f were shocked. they thought we were gold together and had a real shot at long term happiness. Every single person has said the same thing. A good think is not easy to find.

 

I think they were more shocked that you were not willing to work on a very workable situation (there was no lying, cheating, stealing, never a fight), just you being uncomfortable being comfortable. I offered to work on this WITH you, but you decided to go at it alone. What you don't know that there is another side to getting past being uncomfortable, because you have never forced yourself to pushed through/past this. Once you get to the other side, you would have seen that everything is just fine and I would have been right there with you, supporting you, loving you. It would have brought us closer together. You are too independent and do not know how to be interdependent. This is not my battle now. We all have our own riddles to solve. I will keep working on me and become the best man God wants me to be. Great things are in store for my life. This pain is a blessing!

[H245]

You have asked me twice now about me blocking you on FB. I have no idea if you actually care or just want to keep tabs on me or are looking for attention. Either way, I will not respond to you. If you truly cared for me you would make an effort. You're silence has proven you don't really care.

[Never Again]

I cried again for no reason yesterday.

 

The depression and anxiety that ended our relationship is still plaguing me.

 

There was simply too much negativity surrounding me for you. I was stressed out, tired, and exhausted. I was boring and I whined/complained about work too much. I killed your attraction for me.

 

I tried. I really, really did. But I know I complained about work once a weekish. That probably got annoying to hear. You likely thought of me as too sensitive...as too negative. You didn't find my new-found wussiness to be attractive.

 

The reason didn't matter why.

 

Now you're out living your life, happier without me, I'm sure.

 

I supported you and offered you a lot...but I didn't supply enough excitement and wonder. I didn't focus on centering myself and being attractive. I loved you, but I fell apart.

 

I wish you knew all the pain I REALLY felt inside. Maybe, if you knew how overwhelmed I really was, you wouldn't have found my whining to be so bad. Maybe you would've realized that I simply couldn't hold it in anymore.

 

You wanted me. You loved me SO much. You wanted to be with me for the long haul...until I killed your feelings for me.

 

Sucks.

[Never Again]

And then I accidentally found the voicemail you left me after the breakup.

 

The one where you were upset and crying cuz you found out I knew you were chasing someone else. I thought I'd deleted that.

 

I didn't realize it was you until I heard the voice. God that hurt.

 

I feel a horrible sadness hitting me again.

 

I don't want to miss you anymore. Please go away.

[jphcbpa]

And then I accidentally found the voicemail you left me after the breakup.

 

The one where you were upset and crying cuz you found out I knew you were chasing someone else. I thought I'd deleted that.

 

I didn't realize it was you until I heard the voice. God that hurt.

 

I feel a horrible sadness hitting me again.

 

I don't want to miss you anymore. Please go away.

 

umm...feel for you right now.

[Never Again]

umm...feel for you right now.

 

Thanks.

 

After seeing your post here, I'm glad to see you're working forward.

 

It can be hard when there are no deal-breaking problems, but the other person is just done and won't work on fixable things.

 

Aside from my stress, I had a similar situation, and it's been hell. Hopefully my perspective will shift to be a bit more like yours soon.

[jphcbpa]

Thanks.

 

After seeing your post here, I'm glad to see you're working forward.

 

It can be hard when there are no deal-breaking problems, but the other person is just done and won't work on fixable things.

 

Aside from my stress, I had a similar situation, and it's been hell. Hopefully my perspective will shift to be a bit more like yours soon.

 

It changes daily and sometimes by the hour. It is a roller coaster, but on the up swing...like the intraday stock trading...hopefully it continues upwards over time.

 

I just have to remember that I did all I could, said all I needed to say and was willing to work with her. Beyond that, there is nothing I can do. I am powerless and just have to accept, let go and focus on getting me heart healed.

[Mondmellonw]

I don't know why but knowing that you're out there it's making me feel uncomfortable with my own life, lol. Ok, I know why. It's because I am angry at you, but mostly, because I am still angry at myself for almost falling in the trap of being your slave.

Sometimes I still wonder "oh, could that relationship have had any possibility to went well?"...

 

My best friend keeps on telling me that no, you only wanted sex at last.

Blah, I dunno. But if that's the case, thanks God I'm not with you anymore.

And thanks God I did it, cause you weren't over your cheating ex.

I hate the fact that you're telling our mutual friends I am a controlling lady who believes everyone is flawed while I'm perfect.

I am not perfect, but you've done a lot of **** and I shouldn't be comfortable with that.

That's why I left you. If you prefer twisted girls, it's on you.

 

 

Yeah... Darn angry.

[Mondmellonw]

Someone wrote something about a voice mail here.

Now I remember that time when you lent me your iPod.

There was a surprise-photo-album on it for me, because we were on the one month of relationship mark.

You said: "If you want to erase any app, you can do it".

I didn't understood why you said that.

 

You even had your Facebook account opened, I told you so and I logged off.

To me, this was a sign of trust.

I did not had to stalk you. You did not had to hide nothing from me.

 

 

But then, I saw an app used for voice mails.

You still had those messages from your ex, "I love you" phrases, and crap.

I intermediately felt guilty for listening to them... Instead of feeling bad or low, or angry. I never told you anything, I didn't wanted to make you upset.

But, in retrospective... Why the heck didn't you erased them?

 

 

 

Ah, I was such a fool, always.

I need to learn from this.

I have to trust my gut and to speak my mind. It was never easy to communicate with you about your ex, you never made that easier, but hell, I really need to work on that. Communication and trust are the basis of a good relationship, not sex and having fun.

Maybe those are important too, but they were the most important for you, and for the long run, those doesn't really works.., I guess.

Edited January 23, 2014 by Mondmellonw

[AnyaNova]

And then I accidentally found the voicemail you left me after the breakup.

 

The one where you were upset and crying cuz you found out I knew you were chasing someone else. I thought I'd deleted that.

 

I didn't realize it was you until I heard the voice. God that hurt.

 

I feel a horrible sadness hitting me again.

 

I don't want to miss you anymore. Please go away.

 

I really resonate with this.

 

Either I passed my ex on the way up from my parking lot to my morning class, or my ex has a doppelganger who makes his same surprised face and looks exactly like him (which also is seeming like a more plausible theory now, because he should have been at work.

 

I suppose it is conceivable that he could be on campus if he worked out a way to take a prep course for his CPA licensing exam.

 

I froze. I couldn't do anything. I mean, I kept walking, but my face froze. I couldn't smile or frown or anything.

 

And this is so not what I need when I can't keep my b12 levels up.

 

I'm sorry.

 

It really sucks when we get reminders of them that we weren't expecting. That voice, or seeing that face, or catching a glimpse of them.

[AnyaNova]

Either you have got an identical twin in my town who makes your same surprised face, or I passed you on the way to my morning class.

 

What were you doing there??????? Taking some sort of prep course for your CPA exam I suppose.

 

I'm sorry. I froze. Kept walking.

 

It is just, given the AvPD, I would need some sort of pre-communication like an email, text, or call to be able to feel comfortable speaking to you in person.

 

Never mind me, I'm just the ex struggling to correct this freaking B vitamin deficiency. I'm just the ex that you insisted on leaving while she was trying to come to terms with the loss of her friend. I'm just the ex who you gave up on. I'm just the ex that only wanted you to actually be you. And you couldn't find a way to warn me either that you would be on campus, or that you had an identical twin kicking it down here in my town.

 

And of course, you couldn't have chosen a morning that I looked decent, that I hadn't just rolled out of bed because my b12 is off and I had to conserve my energy and put my hair in a ponytail only too discover too late that hairspray wouldn't keep down the ends of my hair that are growing back, but short, spiky, and sticking out right now.

 

Who are you now?

[Never Again]

I really resonate with this.

 

Either I passed my ex on the way up from my parking lot to my morning class, or my ex has a doppelganger who makes his same surprised face and looks exactly like him (which also is seeming like a more plausible theory now, because he should have been at work.

 

I suppose it is conceivable that he could be on campus if he worked out a way to take a prep course for his CPA licensing exam.

 

I froze. I couldn't do anything. I mean, I kept walking, but my face froze. I couldn't smile or frown or anything.

 

And this is so not what I need when I can't keep my b12 levels up.

 

I'm sorry.

 

It really sucks when we get reminders of them that we weren't expecting. That voice, or seeing that face, or catching a glimpse of them.

 

I'm sorry you had that moment with a doppelganger.

 

I feel worse that you resonate with my misery, as I'm not exactly in the right state of mind.

 

I honestly don't know how I didn't see it before. I'm a very emotionally reserved person, and generally light-hearted and happy...but little things began to annoy me. Stupid things. And when I wasn't annoyed, I was always tired - the world irritated me, and all I wanted to do was sleep it away.

 

I hope your vitamins have been stable.

[AnyaNova]

I can't post it. That third thing.

 

I can literally feel my cognitive capacity diminishing. I don't have enough mental clarity to right it. I barely have the clarity to post this.

 

Talking to my mother, she intelligently pointed out that especially since I came back ,but even a little before, I was having to supplement a lot more in between, and having more symptoms in between like the really obvious peripheral neuropathy, that previously had been starting to reverse.

 

It seems so obvious now.

 

When I found these shots, I knew I was B vitamin depleted and that oral supplements weren't cutting it, but I didn't know what else to do. I saw a sign at my gym advertising B vitamin shots. At first I got them at the gym on the one day a week they did them there, but then I switched over since I needed them twice a week to the salon that was bringing them to the gym.

 

I can't speak for whether this is happening with the ones at the gym, but I think I can speak pretty definitively about my shots.

 

See the thing is, with vitamin deficiencies, if you have one, the symptoms begin to abate with treatment, with the vitamin. They only come back when you haven't had the vitamin.

 

My mom suggested and it seems quite logical, that they get people started on the shots (and probably for most people it doesn't matter because they aren't likely to have a years long in the making deficiency like I do) at full dose to get them feeling good...

 

and then dilute for profit. They make more money and don't have to buy as much of the serum. I can already tell you for a fact that they use expired material as well. Hence the business law question I had for you.

 

Anyway, I think I've been getting not even close to a full dose for several weeks now. No wonder. It all makes sense now.

 

I'm taking steps to get this moved to an actual Doctor's office because they will have much less financial incentive to pull those sorts of tricks.

 

But what this means for me? I mean, you can tell in my writing style. I can't reel my thoughts in, pull them in, or effectively edit them when my vitamins go bad.

 

I can't, literally, think.

 

And I'm back to really depressed now. I'm going to see if another dose of the oral helps enough tonight, but today or tomorrow I will do a walk in somewhere and see if I can get B vitamin shots to carry me over until my appointment with my Doctor here on campus which I've already made.

 

My mom and my friend Kevin have both noted the extreme difference between me when I have the full dose vitamin shots and when I don't.

 

The difference is incredible in terms of my stability, sanity, cognition, grammar, and oddly enough the way I use music for emotional regulation changes from a very unhealthy pattern with not enough, to a very healthy one, with enough (go figure).

 

Apologies for the book.

 

When I am so depleted like this, I don't know if my brain keeps coming back to you as explanation in a confabulatory sense for why it feels bad, or if it keeps coming back to you because somehow it thinks that you are the candy bar that will make it feel better (which is stupid anyway, because it is coalbumin and its fellows and cousins in the B family that I need).

 

But yeah.

 

I want the candy bar. Today. And it really is stupid and demeaning that just one or more stupid missing substances from my body turns me from a highly functioning woman with everything going for me and an awesome life into a woman sitting in her house with the lights off feeling miserable missing you.

 

I suppose the bright spot (and it shouldn't be and it wouldn't be if my brain weren't probably suffering a dearth of oxygenated red blood cells and I'm sorry that it is) is that if you haven't found anyone, given all the stress you must be under with getting your CPA, you probably succumb to the candy bar phenomenon yourself, save I am the candy bar and you.

 

Are you.

 

Uberlong vitamin depleted and cognitively diminished rant over.

[Xemyd]

Either I passed my ex on the way up from my parking lot to my morning class, or my ex has a doppelganger

 

 

My ex has a twin at my college too, and we both have classes in the same wing.

[AnyaNova]

So I'm going to go ahead and do this.

 

I can't think my way out of a flat piece of paper, much less a paper sack, (thanks b vitamin deficiency, I appreciate it, not!) So unfortunately this will be a lot more rambling and a lot less beautifully written than it would have been if I'd had a full compliment (I can't wait until I actually consistently have enough, but apparently the deficiency is severe enough, its going to take some time).

 

The third installment. The last. The only things I will allow myself to post are these. An update that I've found someone (when I have). And, a reminder (as I need it) that you don't love me, don't need me, don't miss me, and certainly don't care about me.

 

That last night--getting ready and the drive up

 

I was nervous, and excited. But I'd prepared myself. I'd already decided I was going to do a distance test on you. People usually indicate pretty well through proximity how emotionally close they want to be to you. So I told myself that at the ice cream place, I was going to make sure that I went ahead and planted myself somewhere first, and you would unconsciously make a very clear statement about where in my life you wanted to be. I remember getting in the shower, and shaving my legs to be swimsuit ready. And while in the shower I imagined and extrapolated (and emotionally prepared for) either eventuality. I figured if you stood really close to me and indicated that you weren't emotionally separating from me, we would most likely be getting back together (oh, how sadly wrong I was. How stupidly naive) and if you stood much farther away, I could easily tell that we were going ahead with the plan. And in this instance, in my sadly terribly misguided calculation, you would be cool and distant. We'd have fun, say goodbye and part ways forever. Easy. No emotional engagement or attachment. You would be as cold as you were on the day of the breakup and I would be prepared this time.

 

These two things I prepared for. These two things wouldn't have thrown me. These two things and I would have shrugged my shoulders. As I dried off from my shower and applied lotion I got out of planning/extrapolation mode and into just being nervous about it mode.

 

I took special care with my makeup (as much as I am able, makeup application has never been my strong suit, so I tend to eschew heavy eye-liner and much mascara at all). I put on that dress to surprise you, the one that I thought had been ruined, but it was salvageable. The one that I wore on that date with the high heeled sandals and I looked fantastic (well, ok, fantastic for a woman with a severe vitamin deficiency building, but hey)We try. Right?

 

And I didn't know how it was going to work. I had a little speech planned in my head (which went horribly wrong. I got a few words out of it, but as always happens with my planned speeches, they never go according to plan).

 

I remember Kevin telling me I looked great. Telling me that you would be an idiot to choose not to try again. Telling me that he thought from all your signals and everything that we would be getting back together.

 

I remember standing in front of the mirror and swishing the inverted V of the skirt.

 

I remember getting my purse and going down to the car. Getting water for the ride at the gas station for the way up (I think I did, I don't actually remember that last bit)>

 

I can't remember what music I listened to on the way up. Old Blind Dogs perhaps, or the Paris cd by Putamayo presents. Actually, now I think it was the latter. Because I remember listening to several of the sadder ones on the way home as I cried on the way home.

 

I remember pulling into your parking lot. I remember the way the sun was. Getting ready to set. But we still had daylight enough to go see the houses.

 

I don't remember. I think you were already waiting for me. I don't think I had to press the buzzer. Maybe I did.

 

I was at the threshold of something, but it was neither of the two eventualities that I was prepared for.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It is very odd. As I sit here. I thought that given the amount of stupidly naive hope and the contrast to the utterly broken woman I was when I came home, when despite the body-language and proximity and every other sign to the contrary, you still insisted we part. Even though it was very clear in all that emotional pain since you couldn't be cold, and in how incredibly close to me you chose to stand, and in so many other little cues and things that whole time, that you didn't want to part either. I don't still, yet, or even have any idea what barrier was too great.

 

Anyway, the contrast, that naive hope. I thought that writing about it, which granted, I haven't done very well tonight. Not like I planned to would bring me to the worst set of tears over this since I mostly got recovered from it.

 

I don't know, perhaps it is the extra b complex and b 12 orally have taken care of the mood issues that I am recovered enough truly when I have enough brain chemicals that it doesn't really hurt anymore.

 

I haven't cried.

 

I was an idiot. How did I not foresee that you might still send me away, despite having and showing all kinds of love for me?

 

The beginning seemed so hopeful. So perfect. Our taste in houses was so similar. We laughed and talked and joked and it was very much like the beginning of the relationship.

 

And then,

 

it wasn't. It was pure nuclear devastation.

 

Goodbye, Tim. This is the last post on this thread that I will post. Save reminders that no matter what you felt on that last night, you don't want me. Don't need me. Don't miss me, and don't care about me and are probably with someone that you have convinced yourself is a thousand times better than I am, and that one last post forever where I post that I have found someone new.

 

Goodbye oh administrator of the sweetest and most unintentionally given jedi mind **** of the century.

 

Goodbye my sweet socially awkward thin semi-tall dude who told me two minutes into the first date that he wanted to take me to dinner, and see me again definitely (which he kept doing all throughout the date. It really was sweet).

 

Goodbye frisbee king. If it hadn't been for that frisbee, we would have only been friends.

 

Goodbye, emotional man. You really were the most emotional man I have ever met. I think I ended up comforting you that last night more than you comforted me.

 

Goodbye, word game man. That disappeared quickly, but it was a nice game and perhaps it would have helped if it had lasted.

 

Goodbye, OCD man (CDO!) man. Meals together were certainly interesting (and took a lot longer to put together and clean up from!).

 

Goodbye teeth-bumping while kissing man. I will miss that gentle recall to our early kissing mishaps. It is the first time I experienced that. I don't ever recall that with either of my previous exes.

 

Goodbye cuddling man. You really liked to cuddle. I think that was one of the many favorite things about you.

 

Goodbye Tim. Because I think after writing this, I really know and really understand that this is truly goodbye. I am never going to hear from you again. And I think that there was still a microscopic fiber of hope that you might miss me. Might want to try again.

 

But you won't.

 

So this is really and truly and one-hundred percent, goodbye. because it really doesn't matter what you felt on that last night at all.

 

What matters is what you feel now. Which clearly is

 

nothing.

 

And now the tears. Not hard. Not many. But it is real and it is really...

 

Goodbye.

[sleeplessinslc]

OK, it seems a few of us have had a rough time with the darned NC. I had fantasies today of unloading all this anger, longing, and "WTF" onto my ex. I am creating this thread as a place for all of us in pain to post instead of contacting Ms/Mr ex. It could actually be kind of fun, at least a release.

 

What would you like to tell him or her? Even if it's been building up for years, post it here! Rage-fest! Longing-fest! DO NOT CONTACT that frigging ex, put it all here!!

 

Hey C,

 

Sometimes I wonder what your Vietnamese (p)ho has, that I don't. Then I realize, herpes. Enjoy your time swapping STDs.

 

Hey C,

I don't wish you well. But I hope your daughter never gets to meet a man like you.

 

Hey C,

You're almost 40.

You still have your rapper dreams intact.

Your wife left you.

You cheated on your wife.

You're stuck with the same job you hate for 15 years.

Your favorite show is the Bachelor.

You don't have health and dental insurance.

Your ex gf slept with her old boss and a couple more guys when you guys were together.

You're a loser.