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January 15, 2014

I went back to your facebook like a stalker and all.

I went through every single one of your picture with you and your new love.

You have a lot of kissing photos together.

I dunno why but I started to smile... I am happy for you. Seriously enough... I don't feel sad. It's good you have somebody to love and adore you.

I hope I find love again. </3

January 15, 2014

hey guys

You know when they say it is a up and down roller-coaster. Well, it truly is. The relationship i had with the Ex was a emotionally filled one. There was always drama in her life, and thus there was always emotion in mine. I was always had this hectic internal energy because of the drama she caused and now that we are over, i no longer have that. Im not saying it was good energy, but it was energy non the less and it filled me. Now all i have is time, and because i do not have this chaos in my life anymore, i feel rather empty and alone.

These last few days have not been great. I still feel a longing inside for her. Im beggining to miss her deeply. I was doing fine a week ago, i felt as if i was making progress, but as of late ive been thinking of contacting her. ( i wont though). Sometimes i think, what would i actually say to her if i did speak to her? Would i tell her that i miss her. Would i tell her how surreal my life has become (at times) that she is no longer in it. Perhaps i would like to ask her if the grass really is greener on the other side?

Im afraid of the answers and i know i will not contact her. Im just putting down my feeling right now as i feel i need to. Life does not feel amazing right now. I truly miss her and i know she couldn't give a flying. That hurts..

After 11 years man, one day it just ended. Absolutely NC since. No back and fourths, no lets try, no nothing. I havnt for a second tried to go back, contact or speak. She has not tried either, except for the rumors and the one nasty email. Its hard to take in that we could be lovers, best friends and partners for 11 years, and then just nothing. DONE!

Perhaps im trying to find answers where there are none. Perhaps i just want the old Jamie back? Good days, Bad Days.

Today is a bad day.

January 15, 2014

I went back to your facebook like a stalker and all.
I went through every single one of your picture with you and your new love.

You have a lot of kissing photos together.
I dunno why but I started to smile... I am happy for you. Seriously enough... I don't feel sad. It's good you have somebody to love and adore you.

I hope I find love again. </3

beautiful...keep that love in your heart!!!

January 15, 2014

I wonder how you're doing still, I heard from a coworker that someone who closely resembled your mom came in and asked if my job was hiring and that she stated you still worked at Petsmart.

I hope you and your new boyfriend are doing well, I'm glad to see you've found someone but I still hate the fact that you won't acknowledge my existence anymore nor do you message me. So much for still being best friends, huh? It's rough still having those little sweet phrases that I took for granted for mean absolutely nothing but that's like I suppose.

I've been doing a lot better, recently been going through a small depressed phase but it's a lot more manageable now. Valentine's day is coming up soon, even though when didn't do anything fancy it still was important. I wonder if you'll be doing something then. Our *(what should have been) 3 year anniversary would've been on the 9th of March. I drove my Six Flags and I thought of the first time we met and I cried pretty hard. Who would have thought such long relationship would've have been in a small plastic bag of pretzels that you offered me, I declined them but stole them when you got up and left.

I hope life gives you what you want, Kari.

January 15, 2014

I settled for you....doh tut tut tut I shouldn't have bothered doing even that. I am better, I deserve better & I will have better....because I'm friggin awesome.

January 15, 2014

Another thread made me think of this. A friend asked me yesterday if I fully trusted you. It made me think. Yes, I trusted you in regards to fidelity, but I never felt fully secure because I was always chasing something that was not catchable. The stretches when you would pull away was very painful. You thought I did not notice or I could not feel it, but I did. I did not feel secure because I did not feel you were committed to us 100%...I was the only one working on the R and putting in the effort.

I miss the person that you are, but I do NOT miss the times when I felt insecure. I am not insecure by nature, but your distancing techniques brought that out in me.

January 15, 2014

It's you;

You were with me the whole time;

But you know, I'm not worried any more;

You will always have a place here in my heart;

We will always be connected;

I love you.

Not my words, but taken from an amazing piece of music. But they really speak to me. The fact is, is that you haven't left. You've been there when I've achieved and failed long after we last saw each other. You're such an inspiration to me, I wish I was the same for you; instead, I'm just a lesson learned.

January 16, 2014

It's you;
You were with me the whole time;
But you know, I'm not worried any more;
You will always have a place here in my heart;
We will always be connected;
I love you.

Not my words, but taken from an amazing piece of music. But they really speak to me. The fact is, is that you haven't left. You've been there when I've achieved and failed long after we last saw each other. You're such an inspiration to me, I wish I was the same for you; instead, I'm just a lesson learned.

Really wish I could PM you, but I don't think you have enough posts yet. Have you contacted her?

January 16, 2014

When I first laid my eyes on you at our friends birthday last year, I instantly fell for you even though I was on the rebound. You said I was worth the wait when I said I wasn't ready. When we finally did get together, everything was amazing between us. Our friends said we were perfect for one another. Then a month later you left me out of left field...you strung me along because you needed time to figure yourself out and then you cut me off to "find yourself"

You came back a month later after a session of therapy wanting to work on us and work on your communication. Nothing really changed because you would always become distant and never let me into your head. We argued more...then you mistook my texts as a breakup and said some nasty hurtful things to me. When we talked it out, you again told me you needed to "find yourself" and couldn't give me what I want.

We got back together for the 3rd time days later and you told me you loved me and always had since we first met. You moved in because your mom kicked you out and you had no where to go. I went above and beyond to make you feel comfortable, but you never were. Things were fine though until last month. You were distant again. I knew what Christmas meant for you and I tried to be there for you. Then you started doing things that questioned my trust in you. You went to a gift exchange party with the girls...it was 2am and you weren't back home and wouldn't respond to texts or calls. I walked outside and you were in a car with a man I told you made me feel uncomfortable. When we fought about you, you didn't care for how I felt until 2 days later. We worked past it and moved on, but I was weary of your intentions.

You lost your job and when your aunt asked you to move in with her, you jumped at the opportunity and were gone in 2 days. And as usual, you said you needed space and needed to "find yourself". but you couldn't see a future without me. This wasn't a breakup. 2 nights before NYE, I saw on you left FB auto logged in so I decided to take a quick look. I saw a really terrible convo between you and another man. I felt like you cheated on me. I never let you explain yourself and I promptly ended it. Trust was broken. You then tell me that it was a staged convo because you felt I did not trust you. As usual you did not communicate with me. You said post BU that you felt suffocated and I was possessive. Why didn't you talk to me and us work things together? You said it wasn't worth it and that you didn't care anymore. Since then, we haven't spoken except regarding the money you owe me. You never even apologized for what you did to me.

Why do I write this to you now? Why do I bring up our past? Because in less than a month, it will be our friends birthday again where I first met you. I know I will see you there. And I know you already moved on and do not care for my feelings. I guess what I want to say to you is that I wish you would apologize for hurting me. I will never get that from you. I will never get back the woman I once met almost a year ago. I endured a 3 year relationship with someone I was planning to marry. I will endure you. I will move on and you will be nothing but a memory. But right now...I feel like I would take you back if you'd have me. I wish you the best and maybe one day you will actually "find yourself" instead of putting another man through emotional hell...

Edited January 16, 2014 by H245

January 16, 2014

Another beautiful day with enough energy to accomplish more in an hour or two than I was able to in an entire day before I started the B vitamin shots. Another day with a fantastic mood.

Wistfully thinking that I wish we could have had a go when I wasn't having all kinds of mood crashes all over the joint and when I had true energy to give you. You must have felt like I was taking all yours, and especially when you had mono.

I wish you would contact me. I wish you wanted to. I wish that you would talk to me again.

But I also know that I will be fine and continue to be happy if you don't. It just keeps tickling the edge of my consciousness how good we could be together. I also know, that I think that I am close to having a few different dates possibly, and once I find someone again, I know that won't tickle the edge of my consciousness any more.

I guess I wish that you would act before the irrevocable happens and I am with someone else. Because then there will be no turning back. We could be friends, then, but nothing more.

But I know that I will never hear from you. I don't know why. And the confusion you left me with.

I think tomorrow or so I will begin with a series posts just describing that last night starting at the end and working backwards.

I think my last post, and though I am incredibly happy and optimistic now, I know that last post will make me cry, because I will end with while I was getting showered, dressed, and my makeup on for our last night together with the incredibly stupid naive hope I had (encouraged by people who had heard me describe our conversations, both phone and online) that instead of what we had planned, that we would be getting back together again.

And I hope that in so doing, especially starting backward, that I can come as close as possible to eternal sunshining it, erasing it, as you have erased me.

And then I will absolutely enforce with an iron will. If I must post something if I get into a bad vitamin crash (which with the shots, I shouldn't anymore), I will post on the coping thread, NOT here.

The only post I will make after this on this thread having anything to do with you, will be to post that I have found someone new.

After break I am releasing you and releasing this. I'm tired of carrying it around when clearly you dropped it a long time ago.

You don't want me. You don't miss me. You don't need me. Your silence has made that absolutely crystal clear.

January 16, 2014

beautiful...keep that love in your heart!!!

It's tough.

This has taken me YEARS to be a joyful person, to not be a hater. lol.

The first couple months, and year after my break up. I was an angry bitter woman who didn't want to let go. In a sense I guess I haven't let go because I checked his facebook, but I am no longer angry. I know I truly did loved him because I am okay with the fact he has somebody to love him, and that just makes me overwhelming happy!

Being filled of rage & hate is toxic to the mind and body, but this took forever to get to this point of my life! lol.

January 16, 2014

You don't want me. You don't miss me. You don't need me. Your silence has made that absolutely crystal clear.

Amen to that...

January 16, 2014

Amen to that...

At one time, I would have been weeping endlessly while typing that. Now it is neutral. :-)

January 16, 2014

Really wish I could PM you, but I don't think you have enough posts yet. Have you contacted her?

I'm wondering the same thing.

January 16, 2014

I just woke up, it's the middle of the night, from the dream I just had.

Panicked, shaking, cold sweat.

You were the dream and I just feel absolutely wrecked. I want to curl in a ball and cry. I almost called you because I thought it was real.

January 16, 2014

Here's a poem I wrote last night:

The beginning dwindling our end, The edge of the earth and the water's fate. At sunset and so ecstatic , the light in your eyes and the comfort of our smile. Our hands sewed in trust...Chronologically displaced but every bit real, as if it just happened..

Shall this just be destined to wash over the shore, shrouding events and freezing them in time, like the rings of a tree. Our path, locked in what we lived for and believed.

Sun's descent into the mirror of being. We know wherein lies the rational of what we call reality, yet we would echo this fantasy to our deaths infinitely if it meant truth.

You become forever and suddenly unchanged as your eyes gaze into mine, one last time. The penultimate memory; I'm submerged in the sands of our time, and I watch you slowly dissipate into the darkness before the moon's rise. The pain of this swelling tide, the last glimpse of your animation and the fire in our eyes.

Behold....the sands, the inundation , all without a trace of our existence, and with it the memories eternally bound and invulnerable to this perpetual desire. It will all be gone soon, I love you.

January 16, 2014

The coffee shop thing will have to be put on hold.

Because I got a slower start yesterday morning, I had to use yesterday evening to get work done in the kitchen (it is so much better, but there is still more to do).

And tonight, instead of going out if I am up to it, I will be on the phone again with my friend who is in distress

And today, not only did I wake up with a migraine, but a friend of mine called in hysterics. I should have seen all the signs (not the least of which happen to be her being on two medications which block absorption of B vitamins), but I didn't until too late. Until my friend called me today in hysterics because she has been placed on academic suspension because "all the work is above her head" and she has been receiving low grades for the past three or so semesters. Above her head. My friend with the IQ of 140 plus or minus five, finds the work "over her head."

That was the big clue because I know from my own experience how bad the cognitive impairment with this deficiency can be (before I knew that you could get more than one set of shots per week, I remember as one set was wearing off, sitting in front of the computer screen losing the ability to understand or even explain t-tests and which I would use for my research project, which I'd understood clearly and easily for weeks before), and then I started asking questions based on my own experience and it became clear. Hers started really manifesting badly a semester before my own (these things are years in the making, and by the time they are manifest, you are really badly off). She too, I strongly suspect, has a B vitamin deficiency,

These things are nasty, and she is actually the second friend I have to have realized that they have one. Because of her economic situation, I myself cannot afford to help her with continued treatment, but I know she can't afford something that is an experiment and does have the possibility of not being the right thing (I strongly suspect it is, though, and because there is little risk if I am wrong), so I paid for her to have a b12 and a b complex shot in her city.

But anyway, I will get to a coffee shop soon, but right now my friend needs me and so I will be here because that is who I am.

A little, I wish I could talk to you about this. But, no matter now, apparently.

January 16, 2014

feeling hopeful today.

even started to pray for the future lady in my life.

January 16, 2014

You reached out to me yesterday because you were having a crappy day and you were in tears over your own problems. In your text you said you didn't expect me to care and you weren't looking for sympathy.

I do care Very much. I'm so confused, you left me yet I know I'm your best friend and the one person you know you can really depend on. Did you want me to comfort you? I would if you said you love me and want me back. If you don't then don't torture me.

I've been so annoyed with you for how you've treat me at the end, yet the last few days I can't help feeling that I just love you so much and I miss you immensely.

January 16, 2014

The irony.

I promised my kitty a day before school started again where it was just him and me and books and tv and a little iPhone Internet and the two of us cuddling on the couch.

Except I was so focused on everything I had to do, I would have forgotten that promise if not for the migraine.

I was so focused on keeping to schedule that I forgot a promise to my kitty.

I can still finish the cooking and cleaning. I may not feel awesome today, but my baby boy got to feel loved. I can be grateful and happy that due to my migraine, my baby boy is cuddled up with me having his promise kept. :-)

There truly is a bright side to everything. I suppose meeting you was the bright side to the pain of our end.

I won't try to be too coherent with a headache. :-)

January 17, 2014

I've been getting so many more migraines lately.

I need you, you could always get rid of them for me. I miss your massages, anytime you gave me one my migraine would go away.

Please come back...

January 17, 2014

I've been getting so many more migraines lately.

I need you, you could always get rid of them for me. I miss your massages, anytime you gave me one my migraine would go away.

Please come back...

You too, huh?

Must be the day for them!

January 17, 2014

You too, huh?

Must be the day for them!

I suffer from chronic headaches, have for the past 8 years. Since my BU I've had a lot more migraines than usual.

January 17, 2014

I didn't realize there were old voice mails on my phone from you, but there were. I guess I started feeling sentimental. That crying icon you sent me touched me so. I didn't call to renew our friendship. I just called because I wanted to say a few things. Well, when you picked up the phone, you didn't sound sad. You sounded fine, upbeat, content, and said you were at a "friends" house. How stupid I was to think that you would jump at the chance to talk to me...to think that you still suffering from our fall-out...did you ever even suffer? You didn't even want to talk, you answered the phone like everything was hunky dory and that we had never had a fall out...like we were just two people who knew each other but had nothing special together. So I sounded angry. In those few moments, I was sooo disappointed and embarrassed and felt so stupid that I just needed to get off the phone.

I sent a text telling you to forget I called...obviously you did...

I never actively went NC...circumstances kept me from calling you. But I'm going NC. I'm going have a short cry and I'm going NC.

I pity this woman you are with. Any woman who can put up with your active alcoholism is either one herself or not very bright.

January 17, 2014

I suffer from chronic headaches, have for the past 8 years. Since my BU I've had a lot more migraines than usual.

Sorry to hear that! Hope you feel better!

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