Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[JoelBarish]

You know I don't even have anything to say. I'm just lonely here.

 

Someone I know has talked to me and she has made me aware of AvPD. I always told you I was a lone wolf and maybe this is the reason why I am like that. Part of me wants to reach out to you and tell you "see this is why I am the way I am. It isn't me, it's the disorder!" However, I've seen enough ahem, examples on here to know that you are beyond the stage where you truly care for me or what happened in our relationship so I know that you would just ignore me.

 

I think we're getting to the point where there will be no more breadcrumbs.

 

That special day for us is coming up. I shudder to think where you will be or who you will be with on that day but I KNOW - not believe but KNOW that on that day you will find yourself looking back and it will tear you up inside when you remember what you lost. Lost forever, like tears in the rain.

 

Now do me a favor and just stay away. Pay me what you owe me just don't make me see you to do so.

[StringsAttached]

I was going to stalk you but i'm too good for that. I forgive you but **** you. Your nostrils are huge.

[loveiswar101]

Another day goes by, believe it or not you have been in my thoughts but for once not every sec/minute. I still miss you and hope you find the courage to contact me and get together like you mentioned. We will see but I'm not giving up on us yet !

[Mario79]

Next month it will be 3 years of knowing you. But we don't talk anymore so I am not sure if it counts. I keep thinking on how you mentioned once that I havent changed. I sometimes wonder what that means, and have tried learning many things and understanding concepts, I have ran into many things and information saying that people never really change.

 

I dont know if I just want to say the opposite to you and be like I have changed. I dont know if I have, I have no noticeable changes, I dont dress or look different, I still have the same problems. But my perspective, my views and my ideas are not the same. Surviving this, because it threw me into a depression and I am still not out of it. I lost meaning and tried getting it back. Nothing will the way it once was, the same way you have changed your feelings for me, I have changed parts of myself. It would be impossible to go through such an experience unscathed, with no scars or no impact. I am still me but I am no longer the same. I acknowledge I love you.

 

Maybe I need to know what you mean by change. Maybe I need to understand better. But what I know I really need is to stop caring what you think. Stop thinking of you. Because you have been so mean to me, yet I still want you. You dont contact me so I have to assume you doing well.

 

Crap.

[AnyaNova]

You just don't have the courage or heart to pursue yourself, and all the things you want for yourself.

 

It is too bad, because I know I want the man I am with to have courage.

 

You've probably found a way to convince yourself that you don't want me, to bury the feelings you had for me.

 

I can't wait to meet the man I will be with next. Or to see the relationship we can have with me healthy.

 

You are a distant dream. A fairytale. And a nightmare. One I am putting to rest after break.

 

Because you had the choice to let your parents continue to cannibalize you to fulfill their unmet needs (all of course, I am sure, in the name of "what's best for you.") or to stand up and truly live as well as encourage them to find healthier outlets for their unmet needs.

 

You chose the former.

 

To quote myself and that very short poem I wrote about you, I am tired of chasing the passing dust pieces of you in vain.

[sickoflove11]

Now that I'm back in a different state then you and don't have to worry about running into you, or hoping that you'll contact me to hang out again like we did a month ago, I can't stop dreaming about you.

 

I haven't had dreams like this in a while. It's not even great dreams, you're just in them. Always in them. Or you're always thought of or mentioned and I can't stop! When will you get out of my head when will I move on when will this be over. I need to be over you and you're stupid uncaring self.

 

You don't care about me anymore and you don't deserve me to care about you.

[AnyaNova]

I wrote this based on a dream I had a few days after our last night in September. I still will preface it by saying that this is based on a lot of speculation. Although the more time I have had to piece things together, the more I think it perhaps, is way more accurate in its implications than I ever knew.

 

------------------------------

 

(still untitled)

 

Last night I dreamed of you,

 

 

walking down the street with a group of women, one of them your mother. Each of you carried a loaf of bread to give to someone else. I knew that you had poured in among the flour, salt, eggs, and yeast, your own blood-filled heart, love and desire for me, and the first career you had chosen for yourself. As I watched, you knelt before your mother and offered yours to her. And as she ate, your fragile shell become dust, disintegrated, and blew to nothing in the wind.

 

I tried to chase the passing dust pieces of you in vain.

[jphcbpa]

The timing of the breakup is really shocking...3 days before Christmas. The day before we had Christmas with your family. Say alot about you and how you can live a double life. However, it was probably best to get it over with. I know now that you were checked out of the relationship for weeks if not months. If I had to guess, it was probably late October. Really strange since we just returned from Anguilla weeks before. You seemed distant early Nov. No wonder I was feeling "needy" and "insecure" Nov and early December. You were pulled away and I could feel it.

 

You got scared and ran. I want someone who will work through the feelings and flaws of 2 human beings, together as a team.

 

I want someone who is not afraid to put it all out there, be fully in, vulnerable.

 

I deserve someone who's in it for a lifetime commitment.

 

And knows without a shadow of a doubt that they don't ever want to be without me in their life.

[Itspointless]

I still miss you I wanted to help you.

[AnyaNova]

It is ironic how incredibly accurate my first impression of you turned out to be.

 

And though it might take a bit for me to find someone else because of my shyness, because of the AvPD, don't think that I plan on sitting around on my hands pining for you.

 

There were several months where I would have taken you back. Where I would have given anything to find out what we had built and could have had, if we hadn't continued with the original plan.

 

But I know I want a strong man who will stand up for himself, his own feelings, and his woman.

 

You weren't that.

[collegeguy_24]

I dreamed of you again last night. I can't seem to stop.

 

Even though your in California, I dreamed you showed up for spring break, at my door, and asked me to give you another chance. Of course I would say yes.

 

 

I also dreamed that I was so depressed, that I couldn't take it anymore, put a gun in my mouth and ended it.

 

That was depressing, and has set my mood every since.

 

Today was my first day back to work from the 10 day vacation I scheduled, for you. The one where you were up here, but at your sisters instead, up the street from my house, and where you dumped me before it even started.

 

I read your texts again. I forgive you, but if you wanted to come back I would let you, but you would still have to earn back my trust, and that ain't easy.

 

I love you, more then anyone and anything, and that is never going to change. Ever.

[JoelBarish]

It was so hard for me to open up to you but I did. I think the way you dumped me has added to my AvPD. I'm more closed off now than ever before. I swear I am going to become a hermit. The idea of even making new friends makes me anxious.

 

So here I am almost back to where I was when I met you and by that I mean I am guarded again.

 

I almost wish you would try your breadcrumbs on me now. I think you would be surprised how closed off I am to you now.

[AnyaNova]

1)You broke up with me.

 

2) you sent me away, and despite my misgivings insisted on NC

 

3) you ignored three emails, several texts, and two Facebook messages. Thankfully, I learned my lesson and stopped putting my hand on the hot burner.

 

4) you cut it off because you were scared of the love you clearly had for me.

 

5) I clearly put my trust in someone not capable of safeguarding it

 

6) I loved you and would have done anything to keep us together. I know it sounds silly to say as short a time as we were together.

 

I don't know whether it was attachment issues, your family, or your self-denying avoidant personality disorder.

 

I thought you were trustworthy, I mean in most things you are, but you weren't with my feelings. Clearly I was mistaken.

[LostConfused123]

When you first set me free, I'll admit it shook me to the core. Life as I knew it would never be the same. My heart screaming for you. My eyes blood shot, my pillow stained with black mascara streaks. Every breath I took hurt beyond belief. Your very unexpected absence was excruciating beyond anything I could have ever imagined. You had become a part of me in such a short time. I gave you my soul, my body, my mind and most of all my heart. Did you see the blood pumping out with every beat???

 

If you did, you may now notice you are left holding a memory of my heart. . . because without you even noticing. . . I have it back!!!!

 

I am holding it gently, sewing, taping and gluing it back together. It is becoming mine again. Only stronger.

I am a survivor!!!

 

My heart is mine again!! It feels so wonderful to enjoy my life!!!

 

Don't you dare come back and try to rip it apart!!! It's not yours to play with anymore!

IT'S MINE!!!!

[Softie]

Your loss, really it is. Cannot stress that enough you WILL NEVER find anyone as fabulous as me. Hahahaha

[jphcbpa]

Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence and three times is a pattern.

 

I can see the pattern of you not making me a priority in your life. Us getting close, you getting scared and pulling away.

 

I miss you as a person, but not the feelings around not being a priority in your life. That did not make me feel good. It made me feel needy and insecure. I am not that way, but you made me feel that way.

 

Sadly, I did not stand up sooner with more boundaries. That is my part, lesson learned for the next partner.

[Mondmellonw]

The last time you ever wrote something to me you said you were not my ***king diary. Of course, in a bad manner, being as cold-hearted and cynic as you've always and truly been.

 

I've been figuring a lot of stuff since you are gone.

When you were near, I couldn't help but feel asphyxiated.

I realize that being insecure was my salvation from you...

But I also realize that I need to stop being insecure, in order to give all of my love to somebody new, on the future, somebody who will care, who will be real, who will not lie, who will not permit any force or person or need to push our happiness away.

 

You never loved me. It's sad, cause I did love you... I loved a person who never truly existed.

 

 

[sickoflove11]

I wish you missed me. But I know I shouldn't.

[LostConfused123]

Okay. this is weird. I was doing so well without you.

 

My best friend (the only one you ever knew and talked to on the phone) is very hurt and angry with me. HUGE misunderstanding but she will never see my side. I think our 30 year friendship may be over. I'm devastated!!!

 

I really wish I could talk to you about this. I know you would understand and make me feel so much better!!! I really miss you right now!!!!

[AnyaNova]

Somewhere there is a man who will love me enough to fight to keep me and to let no barrier stand in his way.

 

That was not you.

 

I admit, when I get back to my town and find that you sent no breadcrumbs to my mailbox over the holidays (of course you didn't) I will feel a tinge of disappointment.

 

But I think that wil be the signal my brain needs to really know that you don't care, that I am worth so much less to you than a fart in the wind that you didn't even bother with a texted merry Christmas.

 

It is such a stark contrast from that last night in September it is difficult to believe that you are the same person.

 

I wish we could have met a year later, your mono gone and my vitamin deficiency treated. I think then, we might have lasted long enough to be able to handle the other issues.

 

No matter now. You have made that point abundantly clear.

Edited January 10, 2014 by AnyaNova

[Shaine]

i want to give up. im giving up now. i dont know what's happening to my life. i am giving up on my life now. i wont dream anymore. i will just let things happen. f*ck my life. im tired. i just want it to end. i see no light, there's no hope for me. i'll just continue on existing, i dont care anymore. im tired.

[shannandoah]

To justin milhoan son of ron milhoan who now lives in thompson Connecticut

Dear justin .im sorry i didnt want to leave you my mom said that if i didnt she wouldnt bail me out and with mikes girlfriends thing your mom couldnt get me out eather i found out i was pregnant but my mom shiped me off to houston and i had to stay till after christmas i tryed to call to tell you about the baby but patty wouldnt let me speak to you i had lost you i mourned you like if you had died. I was so stressed that i miscarried ..im sorry justin i didnt have a choice that call in the middle of the night when i ended us ...i was forced and then i tryed to call back ... i know i broke your heart and made you angry but. Later on when that girl kayla called it was me that called your mom and gave kayla your number i was on two way and heard you say not to give me your number so i never called you i know you told kayla if you ever saw me again you would put a bullit in my head and i know that anger isyour macho cover all i want to tell you is im sorry and up untill 2009 i whould have loved to see you again but i meta wonderful man and we have been married for four years . Im sorry your mom died patty was a good woman and she loved you even though you called her a bi...h.

[amorydiver]

my, gosh, I am jones-ing for you so hard right now. I miss you so much. your big blue eyes, and that cute little girlie nose.

I wish I could hop in that teleaporter we talked about so many times and time travel back to our doomsday. I would walk right up to my past-self and punch him square in the face. i'd take that bottle from him, i'd steal his phone, wind up and fire the greatest phone fastball of my life right into the wall. . . I should have known better. But then it wouldn't have made any difference, where would I be right now had i the power to change that day?

i definitely wouldn't be wide awake at 6:00 in the morning ruminating on how i ruined us in one awful disastrous drunken rage/alcohol induced depression. ....no, but part of me prolly would be wishing i had.

 

No, had i kept my mouth shut, and stayed sober, I'd be laying in bed with you right now. my arm would be resting right around that thin sexy waist of yours, my head would be resting next to yours, your body would be snuggled close to stay warm and your sweet girlie smell would be floating in the air. We might be sound asleep, getting ready to conquer tomorrow, you might be all positive and lovey dovey, you might be that angel i had fallen for.

 

I'd be tired from running errands with you, i'd be exhausted from rubbing your bad shoulder all night for the five millionth gazillionth time, from hearing about all your issues and made up problems. you got it pretty good girl. you'd still be recovering from all those orgasms, and i'd be feeling real real good about myself, and us.

 

Or.... you'd be telling me how u and "he who should not be named"

were meant to be, even thou its been a solid four years.(and btw, someday when i see him at the bar, im going to befriend him & we are going to have a good laugh at your expense, cuz he was right, you are crazy) Then you'd tell me how you feel nothing when you look in my eyes, how sometimes kissing me makes you feel empty, then you might even throw in for good measure how you'd have my abortion. Or my all time favorite, that you are dating satan, and that god told you to kill yourself, maybe ur right, maybe you should have listened. or if you're still drunk you might even talk about having threesomes with my friends. as you apparently have no limits, you'd probably just be planning in your mind new ways to hurt me. then you'd fart. whatever happened to that girl i used to go to mass with?...the girl that used to beg me come over, the girl that begged me never to drop her.

 

no, actually I've had enough, i'm glad i destroyed us in one heroically awful moment. I'd never take it back.

[amorydiver]

my that was mean,

Edited January 10, 2014 by amorydiver

[AnyaNova]

I lied to you one other time.

 

I did not mean to do it. It was on that last night.

 

But I'm pretty sure you lied to me as well.

 

After taking me driving, looking at all those beautiful houses in that neighborhood, I asked you which was your favorite. And I don't think that you were quite telling me the truth when you said it was that biggest one with the big outdoor porch on the second floor.

 

And I agreed. I mean, I really did like that porch (though secretly I thought that the house was too big for my taste), but given it was our last night, I thought that I would be agreeable.

 

The truth was, my favorite would have had to be one of those smaller houses that we both went gaga for.