Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[AnyaNova]

Paper DONE!!!! Short break. Than article critiques.

 

This truly has been an all-nighter. And I have to be reasonably presentable and coherent for the poster session.

 

Wow.

 

Life.

 

But I made it.

 

And if I can finish the short critiques, get the poster printed, remember to get everything I need to turn in including the small poster, and survive the poster session. I can do ANYTHING! ANYTHING AT ALL!

 

 

Everything! Done!! And in on time.

 

Are the critiques the quality that I would like? No.

 

But to prioritize, strategize, manage the incredible stress that being so behind caused? To write a paper in that time length that definitely is better than the mediocre thing it could have been? Will here be some formatting issues withy first APA style experimental research paper? Probably, given my ADD, it always takes me several times to really get comofrtable.

 

As horrific, though, as all the vitamin crashes have been. As difficult as this thing with my ex, I guess, you was.i would not change a single thing, because I never would have seen my own capabilities, otherwise. Not that I want to make a habit of this!!! I want to see what I can do with what I need to be able to work protractedly across time!!!

 

A whole new world has opened up for me today.

 

And now, I have been awake since 6 or so Wedneswy.

 

Time for food and sleep!

 

Whatever happens with all my other classes, being able to complete all this material in such lite time has been an extreme confidence booster.

 

Nobody ever gets to try and tell I'm a bad student because I've had these difficulties. No one. Not ever. Bad students would have given up. Bad students wouldn't care enough to try.

 

Anybody that wants to judge me based on the effects of B vitamins on my life can take a flying leap. They didnt live this. I did. And I know now the incredible things I can do when I have enough.

 

I have faith in myself now!

Edited December 12, 2013 by AnyaNova

[AnyaNova]

 

(from the lyrics)

 

"Look at you when the walls begin to crumble..."

 

-AWOLNation--"Jump on My Shoulders"

 

Yes. Let's look at me when the walls begin to crumble. When my semester is in a heap around my feet for reasons I can't control. When those reasons kicked in last semester after I stopped eating after my friend's death (how much B vitamins do you think I was getting then?), and because of that, I had every reason to just give up?

 

Do I?

 

Do I crumble? Do I just give up and say there is no way in just a few days for me to finish collecting the data, analyzing the data, writing and printing an entire research poster (both large and small), writing most of a 15-20 page paper (both the paper and poster not just including text, but also graphics, tables, and appendices? As well as eight article critiques just because I didn't have enough else to do in that short amount of time? (JK, if I'd been healthy this semester, they would have been long done).

 

Nope!

 

I know it probably sounds silly, but I really thank God for this. I really believe that it is God that got me going back to church. God that gave me the idea and the desire to start at the gym that just happened to have a set up deal with B vitamin shots (and to think it was my second choice gym? What if I'd never gone there, I'd still be cycling through those horrible daily vitamin crashes.

 

I may have been unlucky enough to be born with a really high set-point in regards to my need for B vitamins. But God also was kind enough to provide me with a pretty fine mind, that allowed me (once I had enough) to strategize, and execute a tightly controlled plan.

 

So I finished! When the walls begin to crumble, I dig in. Hard! And I succeed. Apparently, when I have the appropriate brain chemicals, I really have grace under pressure.

 

And I bring it out!

 

I did get a little sleep after I got back, but I'm still pretty sleep deprived so forgive the ramble.

 

p.s-not really big on the idea, in the song, of "stealing from the rich." far better I think, to convert them to the joy that comes from sharing, and the transformation that can occur when rich and poor interact together and can change each other.

 

I wonder what you would think if you were reading these? Would you be thinking that you knew I could do it? Would you be surprised, convinced that I would crack under the pressure?

 

The professor of the class these assignments were for gave me the best compliment at the poster session yesterday. I didn't get any statistically significant results at all (and though I do think my measurement tool could have used some improvement) when he asked me what I took away from the project I said something along the lines of, "I'm not really sure because I think if I were a more experienced researcher I would have been better able to control for all the possible confounding variables and that a more experienced researcher might have more valid and reliable results. He then said something along the lines of point all the variables that I had controlled for and that I hadn't missed any significant ones(basically saying that my experimental design was good, or good enough to begin to approach believing the results that I got, and that perhaps it really just meant there was no relationship between the two things I was searching for a relationship between)!!!!

 

I ask, is there, in that situation, a better compliment to a first time researcher?

 

I promise, I won't let it get to my head (at least, after I get a full night's sleep after I go to bed tonight!).

[CAdude82]

Dear W,

 

It was nice seeing you tonight. I enjoyed your company. The worst part of the night was saying goodbye. Now I am laying in bed feeling so lonely and I miss you. I'm sorry that you can't feel my love for you, or that you just don't care. I would have been a good catch dude! I guess you are just too caught up in your life right now to see. I wish you the best. I am going to need some time now to let these wounds heal again before I can talk to you. Why the **** do I still love you!?!?!?!

[ElectricTangerine]

I miss your stupid, lying ass. Despite everything I miss you. I miss sharing the good things in our lives. I miss sharing the good things that happen to me. Something huge happened today and I can't celebrate it with you, the person who was the closest to me. You were supposed to be here today. Your birthday and everything. It probably would have been one of the best birthdays you ever had. I so looked forward to baking you a cake. I was going to give you such a nice gift too. We would have finished that bench together. I wish you would have made better choices in your recent past and actually tried to learn from your mistakes. I miss you, but I still feel my decision was right.

[Softie]

I do miss you. I miss the fun we had. But I'm feeling much better these days, hopeful of having a good Christmas with lots going on and meeting up with friends and family.

 

You know or will know, it truly is your loss, you will never find anyone as great as me, you will never find anyone so willing to put up with all that I did in your stubbornness, your job and shifts, your ex still being friends with your best friend/second family, your bad credit history, your bad teeth, your lack of romance and everything else.

 

You'll regret not giving your all whereas I know I gave everything and then still fought for you & us, again and again, and again.

[Gingerlee]

Happy birthday James.

 

Been a year and 3 months since we broke up, 6 months since we last slept together and 4 months since you told me you hated me and deleted me from everything.

 

I don't miss you anymore. There were times when I believed I would die without you. Now weeks can pass before you filter into my brain. I feel absolutely nothing towards you anymore.

 

I found out you and your new girlfriend are having a baby girl... I bet you're gutted, as you always told me you wanted sons.

 

I wish you all the best. This would have been the first time in four years I haven't said happy birthday to you. In fact, I completely forgot until about 20 minutes ago.

 

Life without you is wonderful. But if you ever wanted to be friends I'd be okay with that too.

 

I'm so proud of the person I have become.

[AnyaNova]

I wonder who you are now. Where you are.

 

I know that emotionally I have completely recovered from the whole thing (B vitamin crashes aside).

 

But I can look at the whole thing intellectually and it just seems so incredibly irrational.

 

Two people who can get along so well, and who could be so good for each other because of our similar issues.

 

Why can't we work it out?

 

But human relationships have always confused and confounded me. Aside from the ones I have with other people who think in similar ways to me.

 

It really seems that what you chose was to stay in statis, in your comfortable zone. It was scary for me too, dude, but I was willing to risk it. I was willing to challenge myself, to better myself.

 

Given that I am thinking along these lines now, I am going to go take some calcium, and then later some magnesium. I am curious to see what will happen.

 

If after that I am still thinking along these lines and do not proceed into an all out vitamin crash, I will be vindicated into finally having some psychosocial in the biopsychosocial.

 

Wish me luck. Maybe the holidays are getting to me. As we came close to making the two month mark, I let myself wonder a little if we might still be together when they came. Maybe this is just me and a little "pang."

 

Will post later to see. Will be pissed if it is just mag, calc, or those damned b's.

[sportzhl24]

Dear r,

 

I know how many mistakes I made. I know how emotionally crazy I was. I know that I made it seem like it was all about sex. I know that I didn't do the right things. But I did the best with the personal and relationship skills I had at the time. Can't you see that? It was my first relationship and I had no clue what I was doing. I didn't know how to treat a woman. Regardless of my mistakes, you made it impossible for me. I constantly had to fight for your approval and attention. I always felt out of place. I would get so desperate for your love that I would do crazy things; say crazy things. You are so wonderful in so many ways, but you are also so toxic. You abuse drugs. You flirt with every other guy that passes. But I love you so much, for who you are. Every day I miss you so dearly. All I have wanted these past 4 months is to hold you and listen to your voice. But I know that we will never be together again. That you hold some sort of hatred against me. All I can do is move on. But never forget how much I love and care about you. I'll never see you again but you'll always be with me in my heart

[Jenniferxo1]

I hate how you're replacing me with her after so soon. I hate you for doing this to me, what a waste of three years. But I can't help but still love you. It hurts that you can just forget about me like that, as if I never existed. How can you live your life as normal as if nothing has happened? I wish I could just forget about you, but it's impossible. My life will never be the same without you, there's a huge gap missing that only you can fill. No one will ever be able to replace you and what we had, I'm always going to have a soft spot for you.

[Dumped85]

Slut, bitch. Whore. Cunt. Prostitute. Cow . I wish I could yell that out

[AnyaNova]

I wonder what you are doing right now.

 

Watching a movie at home alone?

On the computer?

On a date with someone you like more than me?

 

Pretty sure now, I ran through all my b vitamins with the all nighter mad dash to the end of that class.

 

I'm missing you tonight. I wonder if you ever miss me? Tonight I wish you weren't so cold.

 

Everything still seems so irrational to me and I cannot understand it. My head refuses to wrap around it.

 

Do you know, that tonight if you asked, I'm pretty sure I'd take you back.

 

Such a cold night and the warmth that I long for right now completely unattainable.

[L1ght]

I wonder what you are doing right now.

 

Watching a movie at home alone?

On the computer?

On a date with someone you like more than me?

 

Pretty sure now, I ran through all my b vitamins with the all nighter mad dash to the end of that class.

 

I'm missing you tonight. I wonder if you ever miss me? Tonight I wish you weren't so cold.

 

Everything still seems so irrational to me and I cannot understand it. My head refuses to wrap around it.

 

Do you know, that tonight if you asked, I'm pretty sure I'd take you back.

 

Such a cold night and the warmth that I long for right now completely unattainable.

would you really take him back at this stage?

No way in hell I would take my ex back. The only thing I am looking forward to if contact is made is the satisfaction I will get from telling her to f*ck off.

[L1ght]

Slut, bitch. Whore. Cunt. Prostitute. Cow . I wish I could yell that out

You should yell it out. I did that one time when I was out hiking with seemingly nobody for miles around me. I shouted at the top of my lungs many profanities and it made me feel a whole lot better afterwards.

[AnyaNova]

would you really take him back at this stage?

No way in hell I would take my ex back. The only thing I am looking forward to if contact is made is the satisfaction I will get from telling her to f*ck off.

 

I probably should wait to answer that question until after I can get B vitamin shots again.

 

They seem to make the difference between how I perceive everything, including my ex. Why are you so hostile to her? Did she cheat on you or do something vile to you?

 

I mean heck, my ex left me with the jedi mind **** of the century, and I don't have nearly the level of hostility...maybe it would be easier if I did.

[Mariposa10]

Tonight we would've done something we did last year around this time. You must be doing it with your "new friend."

 

I don't care anymore, just get out of my mind! I do not even want to get back together. Why won't you just leave me alone?!

[Mariposa10]

I probably should wait to answer that question until after I can get B vitamin shots again.

 

They seem to make the difference between how I perceive everything, including my ex. Why are you so hostile to her? Did she cheat on you or do something vile to you?

 

I mean heck, my ex left me with the jedi mind **** of the century, and I don't have nearly the level of hostility...maybe it would be easier if I did.

 

 

Do B vitamin shots help you feel better?

[AnyaNova]

Do B vitamin shots help you feel better?

 

I have gluten intolerance, and earlier this fall had a prolonged glutening from medication that I had to be on for my breathing.

 

Since then, my ability to absorb B vitamins has gone to crud.

 

Unless you had a deficiency of some sort, I doubt they would make you feel better. And probably, if you did have a slight deficiency, you would be able to absorb the pills just fine.

 

They aren't probably, a good cure for breakup/relational pain.

 

Though when I don't have enough of them my mood goes down the toilet, there are other symptoms too, like a lot of the time my eyes will turn slightly yellow and cognitive and memory issues arise.

 

Sorry, I wish B vitamins could be a great relational pain cure-all.

[L1ght]

I probably should wait to answer that question until after I can get B vitamin shots again.

 

They seem to make the difference between how I perceive everything, including my ex. Why are you so hostile to her? Did she cheat on you or do something vile to you?

 

I mean heck, my ex left me with the jedi mind **** of the century, and I don't have nearly the level of hostility...maybe it would be easier if I did.

Anger can be a very useful tool in the recovery process. I'm not angry all the time but I find that when I let the anger fuel my thoughts sometimes it can be used as a motivational driving force to focus my energies on something productive like exercise, work or studying.

[L1ght]

I probably should wait to answer that question until after I can get B vitamin shots again.

 

They seem to make the difference between how I perceive everything, including my ex. Why are you so hostile to her? Did she cheat on you or do something vile to you?

 

I mean heck, my ex left me with the jedi mind **** of the century, and I don't have nearly the level of hostility...maybe it would be easier if I did.

As for the specific hostility towards her? Well.....it's just one of those things. Chemistry? A sum of all the experiences? The way things ended? The way things were? I mean I havn't felt this level of hostility towards someone in quite a while so like I say I think its just how it all turned out with this particular person at this particular time in my life. Not all relationships have the same level of intensity and the ones that are intense or explosive have the potential to have quite a bad fall out...this is one of those times.

Edited December 14, 2013 by L1ght

[AnyaNova]

Anger can be a very useful tool in the recovery process. I'm not angry all the time but I find that when I let the anger fuel my thoughts sometimes it can be used as a motivational driving force to focus my energies on something productive like exercise, work or studying.

 

I don't know. Pretty much everyone that I have talked to in the know about such things, seems to be under the impression that my ex had sever attachment issues. That essentially, he made me leave before I could devastate him by leaving him (which, apparently, he was probably absolutely sure that I would do as soon as I found out who the "real" him was--which is a bunch of baloney by the way, the real him was wonderful and very rare in a man, but that is beside my point). These attachment issues are almost universally brought about by extremely bad and painful experiences as a child.

 

And I swear to God, without even having been told this, I saw that. At the pool that last night, there were several times he kept trying to get my attention in a really (I don't think he had any clue how cruel it actually was) inappropriate way, and so each time I would ignore him. And each time, just before he swam back over to my side of the pool, he would give me these really pathetic looks that, it was almost the look that a 10 year old might give when he'd been trying and failing to get mom's attention.

 

But anyway. The main point is this.

 

How can I get mad at someone who'd been so fundamentally hurt as a child, so badly hurt that it affected his ability to even be with me? How could I be mad at someone who emotionally was probably about 12 years old, despite having a 32 year old body?

 

It is not like he was purposefully being a dick or trying to hurt me. that could be very easy to get mad at.

 

How could I get mad at someone who was trying so hard to be a good man?

[AnyaNova]

As for the specific hostility towards her? Well.....it's just one of those things. Chemistry? A sum of all the experiences? The way things ended? The way things were? I mean I havn't felt this level of hostility towards someone in quite a while so like I say I think its just how it all turned out with this particular person at this particular time in my life. Not all relationships have the same level of intensity and the ones that are intense or explosive have the potential to have quite a bad fall out...this is one of those times.

 

But anger also can be a good place for love to hide. Especially if one doesn't want to admit that they have it anymore.

 

Anger is a great "racket" for vulnerability. Is it that your ex was truly so bad (perhaps she was, I do not know your story), or do you have an intense need to cover and pretend like the vulnerability you experienced in this love doesn't exist? Are you trying to turn gold into lead?

[L1ght]

But anger also can be a good place for love to hide. Especially if one doesn't want to admit that they have it anymore.

 

Anger is a great "racket" for vulnerability. Is it that your ex was truly so bad (perhaps she was, I do not know your story), or do you have an intense need to cover and pretend like the vulnerability you experienced in this love doesn't exist? Are you trying to turn gold into lead?

I wasn't aware that it seemed like I was hiding. I mean I absolutely loved her and I also reached the deepest levels of intimacy/vulnerability that is possible to attain with another human being while I was with her. So on a counter I would argue that the anger I feel after she threw it all away is quite justified. In a way it feels like a betrayal and I feel like its impossible that I could ever trust this person to have my best interests at heart ever again......so how could I not feel hate? The hate just shows how much love once existed rather than being front to cover anything up.....at least in my case anyway.

[AnyaNova]

I wasn't aware that it seemed like I was hiding. I mean I absolutely loved her and I also reached the deepest levels of intimacy/vulnerability that is possible to attain with another human being while I was with her. So on a counter I would argue that the anger I feel after she threw it all away is quite justified. In a way it feels like a betrayal and I feel like its impossible that I could ever trust this person to have my best interests at heart ever again......so how could I not feel hate? The hate just shows how much love once existed rather than being front to cover anything up.....at least in my case anyway.

 

It boggles my mind how our exes can just throw everything away like that, no matter what their problems or issues.

 

I feel like I reached those deepest levels with my ex, yet he insisted that we part, even though that parting clearly caused him an incredible amount of pain. I mean, I have the intellectual understanding of the probable reason why, but it is still not something I can really wrap my head around.

 

He threw it all away, and yet, I still can't hate him. Sometimes I wish I could.

[AnyaNova]

Not needed right now, thank you!

 

Going through and reading comparisons of an interesting man's answers and mine on subjects we care about.

 

Came across the one about children.

 

Got treated to one of those 3D back in it for a few seconds, really realistic type memories of you and I cuddled up on your bed and you asked about the question and pretty well quoted my answer.

 

So tentative and tender.

 

To reiterate.

 

Definitely not what I needed.

[L1ght]

I don't know. Pretty much everyone that I have talked to in the know about such things, seems to be under the impression that my ex had sever attachment issues. That essentially, he made me leave before I could devastate him by leaving him (which, apparently, he was probably absolutely sure that I would do as soon as I found out who the "real" him was--which is a bunch of baloney by the way, the real him was wonderful and very rare in a man, but that is beside my point). These attachment issues are almost universally brought about by extremely bad and painful experiences as a child.

 

And I swear to God, without even having been told this, I saw that. At the pool that last night, there were several times he kept trying to get my attention in a really (I don't think he had any clue how cruel it actually was) inappropriate way, and so each time I would ignore him. And each time, just before he swam back over to my side of the pool, he would give me these really pathetic looks that, it was almost the look that a 10 year old might give when he'd been trying and failing to get mom's attention.

 

But anyway. The main point is this.

 

How can I get mad at someone who'd been so fundamentally hurt as a child, so badly hurt that it affected his ability to even be with me? How could I be mad at someone who emotionally was probably about 12 years old, despite having a 32 year old body?

 

It is not like he was purposefully being a dick or trying to hurt me. that could be very easy to get mad at.

 

How could I get mad at someone who was trying so hard to be a good man?

I'm not really sure I understand. Your ex sounds like a very flawed lover if not a flawed adult and I don't see why you feel the need to make excuses for his behaviour especially after he left you high and dry. That situation by the pool sounds....different. Severe communication breakdown and oddness. IMO you should focus on his inadequacies and count yourself very lucky to be rid of someone who doesn't even know how to act like a normal human being around you. I don't mean to sound harsh but I think your ex has a few personal issues that need addressing before he should try dealing with the intensity that a serious relationship and letting another human being into his life inevitably will bring. How can you expect him to love another human being if he doesn't even know how to take care of his own state of mind and well being first?