Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[AnyaNova]

Not sure why I'm posting this here, since I'm really not thinking of you right now. Sorry. You made your choice and healing is happening.

 

While on a break after entering the results of Group 1 into SPSS, and waiting for the last two data sets for Group 2, so that I can enter them into SPSS...I was poking around on some old threads. Came across this that I posted along time ago. Sub in snow (not falling now, but recently fallen) for the rain and it is still true!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ugh!!!!

 

I miss, yeah, cuddling. :-(

 

It is cold and rainy. I want cocoa, a nice big thick comfy blanket. A nice movie and someone to cuddle with!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I really am like a kitty. It gets cold and all I want to do is curl up with someone nice (unfortunately for me, I really have to know them well, really like them, and trust them!) under the blankets and purr!

[The Situation]

This isn't going so well. Bordering 8 months and I remember our last conversation clear as day. I'm trying so hard not to be hung up on you and my failure to want you properly at the time, but I just can't help it. I think I love you, but how's that possible as strangers? Just wish that now everything else is working out, you were still here to be part of it. I'm fixed now, you're just missing. Simple as that, like you always wanted.

 

I'll give you a call one day, only a matter of when the time is right.

 

Have a great Christmas and New Year. I miss you xxx

[Petunia20]

These past few days have been bad for me. I guess it started Sunday. I wanted to go home and he wanted me to stay. i knew that i needed to go home and cry. i know that sounds pathetic but sometimes i feel like crying. i think crying is good for the soul. so i stayed...big mistake. he fell asleep and i found myself bored and alone with all my thoughts. I broke down and he noticed. he asked, i lied, i tried to have a good night still. MOnday morning i went home feeling somewhat better. I fought thoughts of you yesterday and cleaned my place. Today I saw a few comments you had left here and there and Im convinced that she is pregnant. I went through some old emails. I did everything I'm not supposed to do when trying to move on but damn...let me reminisce on the great love we once had. So i broke down again. I miss you, wanting someone who doesnt want you back is the worst feeling. Not being enough for someone how does that happen? Kills me that our baby was not able to be and now you are expecting one. i feel stupid and regret that decision. Im faced with these demons while you dont think twice or even once about everything. I wish i didnt care about you at all anymore david. You wasted 3 years of my life and did me wrong for no reason. i sound scorned and like all the bitter exes huh? well maybe i am a little. i dont know how u lie to someone u supposedly love and how you lead someone on for so long. Whats done is done. and my favorite phrase "everything happens for a reason" right? what a joke that is. everything happens because people make it happen, they are selfish and only do things for their personal gain, never once do they think about other or how their actions will affect them. im ramblin so goodbye

[AnyaNova]

I knew it this afternoon.

 

I should have gone in for another round of B vitamin shots, but since I'd forgotten to take my calcium and magnesium, I thought maybe that was why.

 

Nope.

 

Should have gone in.

 

I have been working nonstop (except for one two-minutish break) since I got home from class a little before 2:00.

 

2:00.

 

And I still have so much more to do.

 

And while I've been writing, or data analyzing or graph making, I have sometimes been in tears because of the stupid mood crash involved. This is getting ridiculous. I wouldn't believe it myself if I weren't experiencing it, and seeing the whites of my eyes go greyer and start then turning yellowish as I get low on the B's, and then the damn mood crashes that are seriously ****ing up my life (please forgive the profanity).

 

I still have hope that I can carry this off, despite. You know those academic difficulties I had last semester? When I stopped eating after her death, guess what I wasn't eating or supplementing at all. You know the academic hitch I had getting my Bachelor's off the ground (quite a long hitch,, actually)? B vitamins, both cognitive and mood crash symptoms causing the bulk of the problem (though the related extreme lack of energy didn't help). Now that I know (I mean heck, I managed to pull my undergrad out with over a 3.0 despite still being on gluten) and made it through my undergrad with a Junior/senior GPA of over 3.6 or was it 3.8 (darn French classes anyway, screwing up my GPA )?

 

But anyway, this has been something problematic throughout my life.

 

I can really say that I have never really met "me" until these last three weeks and B vitamin shots. How easily I can prioritize, manage, and get stuff done when my vitamin levels are good. How I can go for days without a mood crash, as long as I carefully monitor so I get my shots in time. How I can continue on through painful things without problem. It is only when they get low that I get bad.

 

but anyway, I am fighting through one tonight to get this stuff done and it is hell.

 

And I guess once the stupid small crush thing is over and the hurt from that extinguished, the B vitamin crashes take me back to the old haunts. Not sad over him tonight.

 

And while I'm working, it is as if the sad is displaced. No reason. It is just there.

 

It is only when I am taking a break, when my mind is free that it decides to land on something.

 

Everything is so stressful right now, and I just wish that I could have the comfort of your voice telling me that despite every vitamin crash that ruined my ability to be anything but a puddle on the floor for most of the senester, that despite all the lost hours that they have cost me (and many of them I was working anyway, but you can't get much done when you've read a paragraph 20 times already to finally understand it, only to realize that you just forgot everything within it!), despite everything...

 

As I said, I just want the comfort tonight of hearing your voice, strong and confidently telling me that I will still manage to carry everything through and complete all the work for all the classes. Even trying to solicit 21 more volunteers for the study that can't be done online with an email survey, despite being a shy introvert. Even with all the barriers and obstacles.

 

I swear I should start taking home videos of myself for the doctor to see. Between spending days in a row strong, confident, happy, cognitively clear, and reasonably white-eyed, and the grayish-yellow tinged eyes, cognitive wreck and weeping mess I become without.

 

I mean, see how I ramble and can't form a coherent thought well, when I'm low on these stupid things?

 

But you had faith in me. I hope you still do. I really wish I could hear you say that.

 

At 8:00 it is back to work. Finish the draft. Work on the poster tomorrow morning, hopefully get it finished so I can print that as soon as possible on Wednesday, and then finish as much as I can before stats class. And then it will be a late night of work finishing before the poster session on Thursday. And then (with the exception of the back work) it will be rinse and repeat for the other study, and that poster session on Tuesday. Thankfully, it will only be a stats test on Wednesday and then I'll be done with the semester.

 

I have written a mammoth length novel. I am sorry.

 

I am sure right now that the Talking Heads are really right despite their obvious irony. Heaven, truly, is a place where nothing ever happens!

 

Damn. Part of me really wishes that you were reading this tonight (I know that you're not) and that you would call me so I could hear you confidently tell me that I can still pull it out. That I can finish everything. That I can and will do well. That you know this.

 

That you have faith in me.

Edited December 11, 2013 by AnyaNova

[Kansas87]

Please, just leave me alone. Just stop. I just want to be able to forget you for a while.

[AnyaNova]

Hit another writing wall.

 

In the results section. I had just gotten through the various modes, means, and descriptives of Group 1 (within subject design), and was starting on their paired sample t-test (that doesn't even begin to go into group 2).

 

And in one moment it was like I couldn't tell a degree of freedom from a confidence interval from an observed t value from a critical t value from an alpha level.

 

:-(

 

So I'm taking a short break (only about 45 minutes or so after I finished the last one).

 

The discussion section should be easier. I may have to finish writing the results section tomorrow, but that would put everything way too close. The very idea makes me want to panic. But somebody recently gave me a really good lecture on not panicking. It involved scuba diving, airplane flying, and the fact (or so I was told, and given his familiarity with research I 99 percent believe him, but since I haven't read it myself...) that 80 percent (I believe he said) of scuba divers who drown actually still had air in their tanks???? But they panicked.

 

Sometimes I really want to hate whoever made us so damn dependent on B vitamins to function, and who also made some of us, to get really debilitating symptoms before we reach the low end of the arbitrary medical cut-off line that they decide means you need treatment (doctors never seem to remember that these are created based on group reality and results, NOT individual!), and then I realize, "oh yeah. It was God." and well. The rest of the sentence, I am sure, is stunningly obvious.

 

And of course the phone is silent as I knew it would be. You, of course, are not reading these. You will not be calling me to tell me that you have faith in me. That you know I can do it.

 

I don't even want to think about how embarrassed I am going to be reading these when my eyes aren't yellow any more and my mood isn't low and I'm not thinking about you or wishing to hear your voice tell me that I can still pull this out. In eight minutes I will go back to the paper.

 

I know you won't call, but there is this stupid resistant part of me in the vitamin crash doldrums that wishes you'd prove me wrong (I know it couldn't make me happy right now, but it would be so comforting and comfortable, like wrapping up in thick comforter with a kitty, or curling up in a hot bubble bath filled with Lush's comforter bar which smells like blackberries and is deliciously warm and soothing,it would be like entering a heated building after a long cold walk home), and that after I said, "hi," the very first thing you'd say is, "I believe in you. I have faith in you. I know you can do it."

[LostConfused123]

I love you!

[SameOldFear]

How dare you leave me like you did? You never even gave me a chance. It's been ten days, since we last spoke. That's the longest we've gone in a year and it hurts so bad. I'm finally starting to see how horrible you really were though. I shared my worst fears with you. I told you how afraid I was of being used by people. I told you I thought the worst thing an individual can do is lead someone on. Then you did it. I thought you were too smart to hurt me like you did, but I guess not. I thought you were smart enough that we could work. You made me ashamed of who I was and then you left.

[ElectricTangerine]

You royally screwed up even though you said so many times that you want to do things right. Why the **** was it necessary to lie and sneak around so much if you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. And now you're full of regret. I wish you'd maned up and truly listened to what I was telling you for months. But no. And now you have more regret to add to your list. I loved your stupid ass so much. We were each other's best friends.

 

Aaaand just as I was writing this you e-mailed me, acknowledging what I just wrote. That you were and idiot who didn't listen and screwed up everything we had in the process.

 

I miss those days when things were right between us. I missed how we were and how I could talk to you about everything. I thought that openness was mutual but I was wrong. You were hiding the most vital parts from me for absolutely no good ****ing reason.

 

I will not respond to your e-mail. You wrote to the friend side of us and I know you know to want how I'm doing. I'm well considering everything. And I'll continue doing well, getting better every day. I will take care of me and I will continue doing everything in my power to actively keep guiding my life in the direction I want it to go. Unlike you. It breaks my heart that we had to say goodbye. It breaks my heart that my best friend is no longer here to support me. It makes me sad I can no longer be with you, not even as a friend. It makes me sad to reflect on what we had.

 

I'm sorry you made those decisions despite my feelings about it. That was your choice. Don't say I didn't warn you. It is what it is now.

[CSwannie]

Oh, how I wish I could just forget you. Now knowing that you are back with your previous lover, It feels like the pain is too much to bear. The promises, the long nights we spent in your bed just holding each other, the sweet nothings you whispered into my ear... all lies. You played me, sweetheart. And you played me really well.

 

When you told me that you loved me and we would one day be in each others arms again, I naively believed you. Why didn't you just tell me the truth? That there was nothing left between us? That wouldn't have been as tough of a pill to swallow, I think. Harsher in the moment, perhaps, but much easier in the long run. Without the hope of seeing your beautiful smile again, kissing those sweet lips of yours, running my fingers through that gorgeous hair, I could have steeled my heart and trudged on. But no. You had to pull me along on your string, and I just kept falling for the bait.

 

I suppose I just never could have believed that you would do something like that. You seemed so trustworthy and kind. When it came to everything else you were brutally honest, but in this it was not the case. I just wish you would have shown me the decency and respect to tell me what was really going on.

 

What really hurts the most, however, is knowing that you don't care. Knowing that right now you are blissfully asleep in the arms of your lover, while I sit on the internet bawling my eyes out over a woman who made mush out of what used to be my heart.

 

I wish you did care.

[Omei]

Love that we had a fall out during Christmas last year no nice christmas memory of you...

 

Awww yeahh this years gonna rock.

[AnyaNova]

Can't get a B vitamin shot til 12:45. No idea how I'm going to manage this.

 

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

Granted, at least now it's not constant up/down with the shots. But even having one crash every 4 or 5 says is still exhausting with everything else I have to do.

 

Who are you now? Who am I?

 

Which is me? The powerful, confident, active, and can't stop working (or at least doing something like knitting while relaxing) person that I am on the b vitamin shots?

 

Or the depressed, tearful, cognitively and memory impaired wreck I am when my levels to down? You wouldn't believe how many times on the phone with my mother last night, I had to stop mid sentence to ask what I had just been talking about. Same process essentially while writing.

 

But who am I? Which is the real me?

 

It is a very bizarre dichotomy.

[Fangorn]

WHY IN HELL DO YOU DESERVE ANY NOTION OF HAPPINESS AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO ME YOU SELFISH COW! WAS I EVER WORTH ANYTHING TO YOU OR JUST A 4 YEAR DOOR MAT!?!?!

 

And I'd appreciate if you could pay me back all the money I spent on your God damned birthday mere days before you ****ed someone else you lying tramp.

[Emilia]

I hope you are safe...-ish.

[AnyaNova]

I miss your laugh.

 

Still wish you would call me and tell me that you know I can do this!!!

[Never Again]

Dear S,

 

I was never upset with you. Not once.

 

I was obviously disappointed and sad, but I quickly realized that you were right - life had gotten stressful and things had slipped. The breakup was for the best, if for no other reason than we both needed time on our own to figure things out. I overcame the brunt of the pain a long time ago. If I hadn't, I never would've responded to those texts you sent.

 

I wanted to apologize letting the negativity of outside events affect me so drastically. That's not who I am, and I think we both know that. Things in my life beat me down, but I let that happen. It wasn't intentional, but it hurt you. I hurt you, and that was unfair. I'm sorry.

 

There's no telling how we'll both be changed as we walk out of this forest, but it's easy to see that neither of us will be the same. While "friends" isn't on the table, maybe someday it will be. Or maybe we'll get together again, or perhaps we'll even just walk out of each others lives for good. I have a bit of a preference, but I'm open to what the universe brings.

 

I will always think positively of you. After all, who else could possibly come to mind when I think of New Orleans or "ghost butts"?

 

Be happy and be well,

 

N

 

P.S. - I read your favorite book while you were away. I know I disappointed you by not reading it before, so I bought my own copy while you were on your trip...I wanted to surprise you with the fact that I'd read it, but I never had a good moment to tell you. It was incredible. I can see why it resonates with you, and I wish I'd read it sooner.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I promise this isn't the typical letter from the ex that you haven't spoken to in 20 years. I'm not asking for anything.

 

There are only two things I'd go back in time to fix. First, I'd go back to when I was twelve and stop myself from getting into a big mess. Second, I'd visit my fifteen year old self. I'd tell him he's about to meet a very special person, no one will ever love him like she will and he better treat her right. I'd tell him not to feel threatened by all the things he has no control over. I'd teach him the life lessons and harsh truths that I've had to accept. I'd make damn sure he was introduced to the foreign concepts of being in a serious relationship.

 

I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you the respect you deserved. I'm sorry for ever making you doubt who you were or how you felt. I'm sorry I didn't give you a safe place to share your feelings without worrying if I'd over-react. I'm so sorry for the guilt trips.

 

I kept myself from thinking about you for most of the time that has passed. Not too long ago I let myself explore those memories. It was then that I began to realize the impact you had on my life. You raised the bar way too high. I know how hard you tried to make me happy. No one has come close to spoiling me the way you did.

 

You have a good heart that I was selfish in trying to keep all to myself. You are one of the good ones, S. I hope you are surrounded by the love you deserve.

 

Among my most treasured memories are the ones you've given me. I'm so grateful to have them.

 

Sincerely,

[Mario79]

I am gonna embark on a trip that takes two days to make just to bury pur engament ring. Around this area we had a faux honeymoon and loved each other so dearly. I need to let you go i need to do something. I still love you. I am not sure when ill be over you. But i feel this is my ritual. This is what i can do. Andrea. Your name echoes in my mind. I called you my love. I miss you. If im honest. I wish you could talk to me. Your gordito. M.

[SameOldFear]

I hate you so much. I wish I never met you I wish we never existed. This is hurting so much. Oh, god. I hate you. You're the worst. I don't know why I want you back. I don't know why I want to talk to you still. Twelve days and you probably haven't though of me once. I really hate you.

[AnyaNova]

The Poster is finished. Ironically, writing the sections was easy. The graphics were the difficult part.

 

I am taking a short brain break (I have been working for hours, interrupted by stats class) and more work, while I wait for my abstract copies for the poster session tomorrow to be printed up.

 

I think having summarized everything for the poster should make finishing the results and discussion sections much easier.

 

Finalizing the review of lit will take a little more time, but hopefully not too much, and finalizing the bibliography. The real time eater, is going to be figures, tables, and appendices.

 

And then articles!

[AnyaNova]

Okay. Full paper draft done (I know, night before its due, NOT ideal, thank you SO much for that, b vitamin deficiency most of the semester!).

 

After a ten minute break, I need to--

 

-Edit and beef up review of lit

-Edit rest of paper

-work into document figures, tables, and appendices,and get them in text referenced

-bibliography

 

and then I will be done with the paper!

And hopefully the article critiques will go quickly.

 

Whether I hear you say it or not, I damn well can do this and I will! Though I may not sleep at all tonight.

[Softie]

today is your birthday. I have no idea what you are doing for it but if youd had still been with me we would be in Norway looking at the Northern Lights.

 

I hate you for leaving me, I hate you for duping me into believing you were around for the long run, I hate you for being mean to me when for once I needed you and after all the support I gave you with your crippling back pain I was an underpaid carer.

 

your full of BS

 

Do you think you would actually ever find someone as amazing and wonderful as me that would put up with you, your laziness, your lack of romance, lack of compassion, lack of dress sense, lack of transport, lack of money, shift pattern??

 

you know you won't so whose the fool, I could easily find someone like you who never did anything romantic, never made arragements, was tight and had a lack of money, didn't have any umph in their own lives only in their work and quite frankly was scruffy and lived in a pig sty most of the time - those kind of guys are easy to find!!

[AnyaNova]

Paper DONE!!!! Short break. Than article critiques.

 

This truly has been an all-nighter. And I have to be reasonably presentable and coherent for the poster session.

 

Wow.

 

Life.

 

But I made it.

 

And if I can finish the short critiques, get the poster printed, remember to get everything I need to turn in including the small poster, and survive the poster session. I can do ANYTHING! ANYTHING AT ALL!

[RDawg]

Hey you.

 

How's this weather? Shall we braai tonight? Oh that's right we're not together anymore, because after almost 3 years you decided I am not the One. Shame babes, I almost feel sorry for you. Hope things turn out the way you're expecting..

[L1ght]

You reminded me of what it's like to lose someone I genuinely care about again and I don't know whether to thank you or to tell you to go and eat sh*t and die. I mean in a way it's a blessing in disguise because seemingly I have grown naïve over the years even though I have suffered significant loss in the past that should have contributed to a certain level of insight on my behalf. What does this mean for the future? I honestly think you have helped me turn a corner....I'm sceptical about everything now and I'm comfortable with it. It feels good to be very analytical of the people I get close to. You helped me gain perspective again at a time in my life when I needed a new lesson to learn and grow(i.e. a kick up the ass).

Oh yes and to finish off I would like to say F*ck You and Goodbye.