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October 24, 2013

Just needed to tell you that I want you more than anything and I wish with all my heart to be yours again. You don't feel the same way, I get that by now. That's why we can never be friends. I'm sure we'll both move on just fine and hopefully I'll never have to see you or be reminded of you ever again. I'll never forget you no matter how hard I try, but I'll still try. If by some chance you're missing me, even if only a little, don't think that I'm not thinking of you too.

October 24, 2013

I got an answer to that question.

And though I know I would still wonder if my friend's death hadn't happened; I realized this. Without you, without us and the heartbreak, when I got sick and had to be on those glutening meds, when that got me vitamin depleted and the two minor glutenings happened before I was healed enough for them not to have a severely compounding effect,

If we hadn't?

I wouldn't have been taken back to you and that. I would have been taken back to the awful days, trapped in my tiny apartment with my grief, only a day after I learned of her death. Those days, I didn't even get to processing the fact than she was actually dead. I spent most of that time trying to work through the horrid manner of her death, how her last minutes which should have been years in the future and she should have been surrounded with all those who loved and cared about her, were instead filled with fear and betrayal by the one who should have most been there to love, protect, and ensure her safety.

That could have set me back so far as to be unrecoverable.

Thank you, Tim. As bizarre and painful as this whole situation has been, I am very thankful that my brain had another "explanation" for these vitamin depletion/ mood drops.

And I probably wouldn't change anything anyway. You brought a new perspective to me and really did open up my world in a large way.

Edited October 24, 2013 by AnyaNova

October 24, 2013

Greetings from Earth.

If you have not deleted this message and decided to read it then that means nothing.

A reply from you means nothing either.

I'm just trying to show you that I too can do something that means nothing.

Like all of your promises.

P.S.

You have aids.

October 24, 2013

Greetings from Earth.

If you have not deleted this message and decided to read it then that means nothing.

A reply from you means nothing either.

I'm just trying to show you that I too can do something that means nothing.

Like all of your promises.

P.S.
You have aids.

Quoting myself and proceeding to lmao.

October 24, 2013

Two weeks ago you were telling me how much you wanted to be with me. How you would do everything I needed you too. I kindly rejected because I was talking to someone new and I fully didn't trust you yet.

After my first date with this other guy I decided I wanted us to end on good terms. We talked for an hour and when I was getting ready to leave, because we finally talked about everything without yelling you convinced me to stay to hang out. I should have left then, because you started to act like the guy I fell for. It felt like old times when we were happy together. You told me you still missed me, you loved me and you could marry me. Like an idiot I fell for it all, because you were my first love.

You send me a text the next day telling me you needed to move on from me and try things with this new girl. After getting my hopes up again, you decided to bail out on me again. I should have known better, but I'm so naive when it comes to you. You've called me so many names (hoe, wh*re,c*mdumpster), but never did I pull what you did to me. I never had you were I wanted you then had another guy in my bed the next day. That was all you babe.

I've cried all day, but I'll get over it and you. You're the loser in this situation. I took care you, stood beside you, helped you through all the tough times. Even though you were never there for me. I was only a prize to you, but to me you were so much more. I don't wish any bad upon you, but I don't care to ever see or hear from you again.

October 24, 2013

I hate you so much. I hate what you've turned me into. I was the happiest person in the world, loved everyone and everything and never had a shred of jealousy about anyone else's happiness, even when my life had it's problems.

Now I'm filled with cynicism and hate. I even told a person on this forum that God won't help them. The only "better" I feel is that I don't have as much anxiety and pain anymore. But I can't enjoy anything anymore. Nothing has meaning.

I gave you everything. You always told me I taught you how to be happy and and be valued and loved and to truly love back when I met you soon after you got out of an abusive relationship. And then after I did everything for you, took care of you, you left me for another man. And you taught me how to hate. To stop trusting. To stop feeling good about anything.

I know fully now that life is cruel and cold. What other lesson am I supposed to learn from this? To not trust women and not treat them well? To not make life exciting and fun and loving?

Whatever. **** the everything happens for a reason bull****, **** the so-called lessons I'm supposed to learn and personal growth I'm supposedly going to have from this...and most of all...**** you.

October 24, 2013

So I guess you could probably guess that I met someone. He's not anyone I could marry or build a life with but right now he is giving me everything I need and want. I think of you less often and find myself becoming less needy for you. I no longer wish for u to come back. I am enjoying being single and having no tie to anyone or answer to anyone. If i want to hang out with my guy friends one day and see this new guy another day then I am free to do so. He calls me his Princess and says I'm gorgeous and hot lol You hardly ever complimented me so i am going with this. Havent looked at your profile or hers or thought much about you guys. Only reason i'm posting now is to document my progress. My family told me that once I found someone that I would stop thinking about you. I thought my love for you was stronger than that. But i guess its not. at times your face flashes through my mind but it goes away as easily as it came in. Been super busy lately with friends, this new guy and my job. I finally got that interview to work with Elsa. I have a second interview next week. I hope to get this position. You know what this position would do for me. Its crazy how all these good things are happening all at once. I wonder if i deserve all this. I've been so used to being sad that being happy is so surreal. omg i said i was happy...havent said that in awhile. Til next time!

October 24, 2013

You lied to me,

You promised you would send me those two notes.

One after you finished your class. One after you finished your CPA. I don't know how my mother knew, but she knew you weren't going to send them. I actually didn't believe her. I actually believed that your word was everything to you.

You know, I really don't care how you justify not sending them. But you made a promise. And you broke it.

Look. I know that deep inside you are emotionally a little kid, that things get too scary and you just need to make them go away, up to and including me and how you felt about me. But you can't even give me what you promised. Because if I recall, that class was 8 weeks and you are way done with it.

And, in this instance at least, you also proved yourself to be a liar.

Edited October 24, 2013 by AnyaNova

October 25, 2013

Your lame excuses are getting so old. the least you could do is make up a believable lie but no you want me to know its a lie. you sabatoged yet another opportunity to be together. i now know why its because you dont want to be with me. i wont ever try making plans with you again. Rejection in its highest form. you are a mean man and you dont like like me i get that more than ever. i dont know why you dont just end it with me. youre not doing me any favors. we hardly connect anymore anyways...

October 25, 2013

I'm doing my best not to contact you, but you called me tonight and wanted to know if you could come over tomorrow night. You proceed to tell me little things about your life. I guess we were always good friends and not husband and wife.

October 25, 2013

Look, I know you didn't mean to be a liar. I know you are reacting. I know you are trying to avoid the whole thing (probably).

But I was depending on those. Do you realize, that I have nothing from you at all? No tangible piece or thing or reminder that you were ever in my life? I wasn't asking much, just a couple of handwritten notes.

In other news though, typing with a kitty putting all of his weight on your left wrist hurts. But is terribly adorable. And though it still needs a lot of work before being put in the final paper (when its written), I just finished the first draft of the review of literature, and i think I set up the argument for why my research should be done really well. I think it is going to be great when it is done.

Do you know, I still pretend that somewhere out there, in your condo, at your computer, you have found me on here, that you are sitting here reading this, and that you know what is going on in my life?

But you don't, haven't and won't, do you, for the same reason that you haven't sent those notes.

October 25, 2013

Was literally about to log onto Facebook and unblock her to see how she's doing and give her a piece of my mind. Feeling really lonely tonight. Most of my friends are off with their significant others and I'm at home alone. Makes me feel like ****.

I ****ing hate that you used me as a stepping stone to get over your depression

I hate that you acted like I was nothing to you after everything we went through with your depression and suicidal behavior

I hate how every time you told me you loved me it was a ****ing lie

I hate that you couldn't spend one ****ing moment of your time in a day to see how I was doing when we were "friends" after our break up. Especially after you knew I was dealing with depression myself

I hate how you gave me so many mixed signals over the summer and made it some of the most painful months of my life. One moment you're giggly and flirty with me, just like old times, and the next you're cold as ice

I hate how I still miss you and love you despite all the **** you've put me through

**** you, seriously

Edited October 25, 2013 by Chris715

October 25, 2013

Well its Friday evening and have just finished work for the week, I have been dealing ok after getting through the week with NC, although now Friday night and the weekend is here the urge is really killing me to text or call the EX. I am posting here instead to resist the urge.

I really miss her and want to contact her and just work things out, although she has asked me to not contact her as she just does not feel it any more and wants to move on and without me. I just wish I could call and things would be ok and we could spend the weekend together, going out to dinner, laughing and joking as we always did in the past. I know if I contact her all I will get is rejection or ignoring me and I will be back to square one. I have managed close to a week now without contacting her after she shared the news and broke off a 6 year relationship

Anyone care to chat or text ? I really need the contact with someone so I can resist the temptation.

October 25, 2013

Morning fancyface....really missing you today, still think about you everyday....miss kissing you goodnight and kissing you awake in the mornings, before you open your eyes...take care hun!!

4eva and always......

October 25, 2013

Hey my "misspolly" - I so miss the happy times we shared, just to hold and kiss you and tell you how much you mean to me and that I love you so dearly. My heart will never fade loving you and making those future plans. Love you so so much xoxox

October 25, 2013

Well its Friday evening and have just finished work for the week, I have been dealing ok after getting through the week with NC, although now Friday night and the weekend is here the urge is really killing me to text or call the EX. I am posting here instead to resist the urge.

I really miss her and want to contact her and just work things out, although she has asked me to not contact her as she just does not feel it any more and wants to move on and without me. I just wish I could call and things would be ok and we could spend the weekend together, going out to dinner, laughing and joking as we always did in the past. I know if I contact her all I will get is rejection or ignoring me and I will be back to square one. I have managed close to a week now without contacting her after she shared the news and broke off a 6 year relationship

Anyone care to chat or text ? I really need the contact with someone so I can resist the temptation.

You're doing great so far

October 25, 2013

You know, it is strange.

My mood is okay right now, thankfully my levels are staying up well. But I do have this thing right now where I want you back.

You know. I think I realized last night. Our relationship from June to July (save for maybe the first several weeks) wasn't that great. And that one issue, you know the one, really caused stress and problems.

I realized that what I have been trying to get over, and what I am missing, is the relationship that the breakup, and then those two weeks, where we ended up repairing the damage, set us up to have.

the one that we never will. All we have is that one last idealized evening. That was your one concession to yourself and what you really wanted, wasn't it?

What I am really missing, is something that barely existed for a couple of weeks, and then never existed at all. I am missing what we could have had together, and not what we actually did, because you took it away before we actually could.

I wish I had milk right now (I keep buying it, but I rarely end up using it now that I am eating healthier and getting most of my calcium from yogurt), because I would so make french toast, piled high with fruit sauce (with only a smidge of sugar, and bacon and syrup and everything.

But. I will get some food now. I will take a relaxing bath with one of my dreamtime melts. Do a little cleaning, and then study until it is time for this evening.

I am excited for tomorrow though, because I'm going to camp at Watson and load up with articles and research sources. And Sunday I am going to pick the excerpts for my research project in Research Methods.

Somehow, Tim, since you have made it clear that I have to, I will get you out of my head. I am sorry that you couldn't trust me. I am sorry that you couldn't trust me enough to tell me how you felt about me. I am sorry that there was nothing I could do to reassure you that I would do my best not to hurt you. I'm sorry that you felt you had to send me away to protect yourself.

I keep being told by numerous people that it wasn't my fault, and that there wasn't anything I could have done.

There is a poem I am working on, ultimately it will be about our relationship.

I will post it when I finish it.

I know you aren't, but please, Tim, if you are out there, if you are reading this, could you please send me some sort of handwritten note, maybe a picture of you where you are you and relaxed and looking at the camera, and just something, so that I have some proof of your existence and impact?.

I know it would cause you to have to re-examine what you chose to break, that relationship we were set up to have, that could have been wonderful, because we'd thought so much about what things would need to change.

But for me, since I am told that no matter what mistakes I may have made, fundamentally the primary driver for our end was your issues and not mine and that there wasn't anything I could have done, could you face it and the pain and the missing me that you probably have stuffed way down, just one more time?

I know you may want to pretend like we never happened, but I don't. I want to get to a place where I accept what happened, am completely okay with it, and where I remember you well.

October 25, 2013

It's unfortunate that I feel I did it all wrong.

It's so stereotypical: your previous boyfriends, and the relationships you had with them, were toxic. They were selfish, controlling, jealous, clingy, lying jerks...but they were high-energy, exciting and intense.

I was the first considerate guy you dated. You chased me and fell for me, hard, long before I fell for you. I wasn't a doormat, but I did my best to love and support you. But I guess I made the relationship too easy. I'm mellow, low-key and genuine. I can get excited like the next person, I love adventure and fun, but my reactions are a little more reserved...and I try to be practical. I couldn't travel off to a different state, have a vacation or go somewhere fun all the time. Every once in awhile, I just wanted to go out to eat and then come home and cuddle up to some stupid 90's cartoons with you.

Our relationship was incredible up until the last 6 weeks...and even that "rough patch" was still healthy and normal. We were just stressed out because of work, and so tired that our time together had become "normal"...just 6 weeks of things slowing down, getting a little less passionate, getting a little boring... was enough for you leave.

I can't help but feel that I missed something. If only I hadn't made the relationship so easy...if I had been just a little less supportive, may that "spark" wouldn't have faded.

But what was I supposed to do? You're a national-award nominated artist. Your career was exploding, and you were finally getting the recognition you deserve. Why would I stand in the way of that? I never put you on a pedestal, but maybe I put you art on one. I organized our time together based on your work and stress loads - I never wanted you to feel like you had to choose between me and work, because I wanted you to know I would always be there.

I guess I devalued myself. You'd want to see me, and I cancel on you so that you could focus on meeting your deadlines. I told you to reschedule with me when you felt more comfortable leaving your desk.

All I wanted to do was support you, give you the time and space you needed push yourself forward - we always gave each other tons of time to pursue our ow interests. After all, seeing each other "only" once a week is still okay temporarily, right? We used to make dates 2-3 times a week, but 6 weeks of distance is nothing...or so I thought.

I concentrated too much on the substance of the relationship - getting involved with your interests and supporting you, getting you involved in mine, trying to encourage the close relationship you were forming with my family and friends...things I thought would bind us, help us endure and last when that "spark" inevitably faded. I guess that "spark" is way more important.

Passion and stability are mutually exclusive. I wanted to be the stable element in your life - the guy you could rely on. Your partner.

But that's not what anyone really wants, is it? Passion and excitement, those "in love" feelings are all that matter. I see that now. Toxic relationships are unstable and exciting by nature - maybe I should learn something from them.

October 25, 2013

Roses are red and violets are blue..

I hate your face.

October 25, 2013

Its terrible. Where are you S?

October 25, 2013

You're here in my house but yet you're not here. It feels weird, different, but not awkward. We shared a meal. Your doing your laundry. You still are quite comfortable in the house and walk about freely. I can sense that you have moved on. You no longer keep your cell phone out in the open on the table, it's in your front pocket, protected. How can you move on so quickly? A woman's intuition is spot on and now the signs are there, I know. Did you tell her that you were going to be with me? Do you tell her not to call or text while you're here?

October 25, 2013

I'm driving myself crazy, after you went out to smoke a cigarette, you left the contents of your pockets on the counter, where you used to leave everything. Your cell phone included. Would you do this if you knew someone would call you and I might see the screen when it lights up? You're quite comfortable down in the man cave relaxing. What are we doing? Why are things the way they are? Why am I asking why?

October 26, 2013

Why are you playing games with me again? You said to let you go, that you were happy without me, so go ahead, move on. Stay out of my life and don't use my friends to get in touch with me.

Maybe you just didn't think I would actually do it after everything we've been through and all that I promised. But how can you still expect me to be yours when you're longer mine?

October 26, 2013

I do. I do miss you. You were kind, giving, beautiful, and you laughed easily...

BUT YOU YELLED AT ME! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! I didn't deserve that. I know I have my problems. I can be controlling. I can be bossy. I can be negative. But NO ONE deserves to be yelled at drunkenly for hours on end.

It was like you were my Dad again and I couldn't escape. You ground up my self-esteem into pulp and then wouldn't admit it or couldn't it remember it the next morning in your dazed hangover. I only got half hearted apologies.

You're an alcoholic. You drive drunk, you binge to the point of blacking out, you have ulcers that make you puke for days, your dad is your drinking buddy bringing over the booze EVERY Thursday, your friends are leaving you, and you'll never have any kind of career if you show up to photo shoots drunk or cancel because you need to sleep in until NOON.

What is wrong with you? Why couldn't you see that you were hurting me so bad when I loved you so much!?

Damn you. We could've been happy if you'd just gotten sober.

October 26, 2013

Shoulda known.

As soon as I started missing you I should have realized that another mood crash was coming, followed closely by sore and locking up muscles, inability to move very fast, and what I have taken to calling, "slow brain syndrome."

Getting my electrolytes in order seemed to reverse most of the symptoms. Including my missing you. I don't get why missing you is concomitant with or even a precursor to the more obvious physical symptoms.

I don't understand this.

What I do know, is that as soon as I have this thing in order (and I think I have found the food culprit), I intend to live my life to the fullest. I intend to find someone who I can trust. And somehow, not because I want to, but because you have forced my hand in this, I will have to find a way to harden myself to your pain and isolation.

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