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October 19, 2013

New guy turned out to have a slew of beliefs that I just can't do. It really hurts, because in all other ways he'd be perfect for me.

/

Having a bit of a relapse. I am missing you right now, and your clear simplicity.

This really hurts. Maybe I should just give up and go join a nunnery.

Edited October 19, 2013 by AnyaNova

October 20, 2013

You know what ? I started talking to new girls and I love that. I dont feel bad either. You make me learn that trust should be earn. You can lie to your new boy (if you have one) . It's not me who will suffer the next time .I dont want you back. I dont want to know the truth anymore. Keep it for you. You will never change... I should have told you month ago when I had doubt about your honesty. I choose to close my eyes. How stupid I was. I will never make that mistake again. I learn a lot through the break up. Thanks again. I am one big step foward to the good one

October 20, 2013

Come back to me.

I miss you.

I hate you.

I love you.

I want you.

You have your fears.

You can be scared with me.

Come back to me D...

October 20, 2013

Really missing you tonight!!!

I'm so pathetic sometimes. Whatever you felt on that last night, clearly you don't care now. I was doing so much better.

Apparently I still love you.

And you probably don't hurt at all right now, do you?

October 20, 2013

It feels tonight like I am back to square one.

Apparently, there is another vote in the, "attachment/push me away before I hurt you," category.

I miss you. I still feel like I failed you, somehow. Like I couldn't show you that people do stay. That they want to.

I haven't said this stupid thing in days, maybe weeks. But here goes, because it is where I am at tonight. And I have found denying it and pretending it only makes it worse.

"Tim. I love you. I miss you. Come back to me."

You must really think I'm a pathetic loser on nights like tonight.

October 20, 2013

Changing the name for obvious reasons. Thank you Petal, for writing this so perfectly. Not that it will actually do any good.

Come back to me.
I miss you.
I hate you.
I love you.
I want you.
You have your fears.
You can be scared with me.
Come back to me Tim

October 20, 2013

No drunk calls or late night text. I know how devastating breadcrumbs can be but it would give me a sign that you still care.. that i'm not alone in the dark with what now feels like one sided love. That I was worth a fight?

I admittedly wasn't the best girlfriend but i wasn't anything close to terrible or deceitful. I've apologized, admitted my mistakes.

But it won't happen will it? Wishful thinking.

I don't know what hurts more, knowing you won't come back or actually having you take me by surprise.

Well, one thing I can say is that I'm a pro at no contact.

October 20, 2013

I woke early this morning, caught up with the posts of the like minded souls ive come to know on this community. I walked across Holland Park in the drizzle. I decided to open up the studio this morning. The one you loved so much. Where i showed you what i did for a living. You helped me decorate the place and then you took my hand and said `I love you Haydn, dont go anywhere without me`. That day you were so happy. No accusations, no digs, no ego. You put me first that day. Maybe that was the only time you did? Why couldnt you trust???? Why were you so scared???? Next week i will have to go back to Budapest for work. I am dreading seeing you accidentally. I will keep a very low profile until the week is over. I dont want to see your face, the way you walk, even the way you smoked. I love you so much but i never want to see you again. (I tell myself) Take care S.

It feels tonight like I am back to square one.

Apparently, there is another vote in the, "attachment/push me away before I hurt you," category.

I miss you. I still feel like I failed you, somehow. Like I couldn't show you that people do stay. That they want to.

I haven't said this stupid thing in days, maybe weeks. But here goes, because it is where I am at tonight. And I have found denying it and pretending it only makes it worse.

"Tim. I love you. I miss you. Come back to me."

You must really think I'm a pathetic loser on nights like tonight.

October 20, 2013

I haven't felt like contacting you during these three weeks. But right now, I want to check your facebook, see what you've been up to, if you're happy. I want to text you. Nothing big. Just to say Hi. I don't know what's changed or why suddenly I want to text you.

But you are not worth it. You are with her and if you're not, good. Then you lost both of us. I hope you miss me terribly. That you've tried contacting me. But I'm not sure you have. You're too proud. You have always been to proud and a quitter. I can't stand quitters. But you always quit at the slightest resistance.

That's one of the things you complained about. When we had to choose our new mugs and I argued with you about the ones I liked. You told me you thought they were too thin, but otherwise pretty. How was I supposed to know you didn't like them, when you never told me? So we argued a bit, but it wasn't serious. At least not from my point of view. Because that's how I was raised. You fight for the things you believe in and I liked those mugs, so of course I kept trying to convince you. And when you said we could get them, but you still thought they might be too thin, I accepted and said we didn't have to get them.

So when you broke up, you told me I had changed you. That I had made you change. That you always had to asses my mood to know what you could and could not say. Not my fault. You could have talked to me about it. Told me how you felt. You could have stood up like a real man. But you are a coward. Always have been. You told me, you'd stopped being you. That you couldn't make he jokes you used to. Those jokes? Yes. You stopped making them, because they hurt my feelings. And that made you upset? Made you feel like I had forced you to change? If you loved me as much as you said, you would not have wanted to make those jokes, because they hurt me. I would have never had to tell you to stop. You would have stopped on your own, when you saw the hurt in my eyes.

I guess you were never the person I thought you were. I gave you too much credit. I loved you too much. When in the end you were just an immature man afraid of standing up for what you believe in. Afraid of confrontations.

I despise you for never telling me what you needed in the relationship. For never being honest with me. And for telling me it all when it was too late. When you had made you decision. When you had already closed your heart on me.

How do you ever expect anyone treat you the way you want, when you never tell them what you want? Do you really think you'll just happen to meet someone who can read your mind? Good luck on that. No wonder it never worked out. No wonder you haven't been truly single since you turned 16. Always had someone. Maybe not a gf, but a girl who was madly in love with you and thought maybe if she did this or that, you'd finally have her as your gf. Just like me. Only when I had had enough and decided we were done for good, did you realixe what you'd lost. And you came crawling back. Well, this time I am not giving you another chance. I deserve better.

October 20, 2013

I really wish that I could show you that everyone doesn't leave in the end.

But as much as I want to help you, as much as I want to care for you, you have shown me that you don't want me in your life, that the fear that I might hurt you is too overwhelming.

And it is because of this that I hope this doesn't last much longer. I need to move on. I need to find the joy again without you. Somehow I have slipped into not accepting the new reality again. You have chosen the new reality and make your intention to stick with it clear.

Here we go again. Hopefully I can stop posting this soon, since if I mean anything to you, it is only a distant and hopefully fond memory.

Tim. I love you. I miss you. Come back to me.

Edited October 20, 2013 by AnyaNova

October 20, 2013

I am sorry Anya. I know its no consolation but I wrote something similar. It pulls out my heart. Stay strong. I can listen everything and i know those feelings because i am in that same dark place, like so many others here. Keep writing.

I worked today until she took over my thoughts completely and i tried to walk it off......No good..

The only highlight of the day was finishing `Starter for 10` By the guy who wrote `One Day`

Read it. Its funny.

Take care

Haydn

I really wish that I could show you that everyone doesn't leave in the end.

But as much as I want to help you, as much as I want to care for you, you have shown me that you don't want me in your life, that the fear that I might hurt you is too overwhelming.

And it is because of this that I hope this doesn't last much longer. I need to move on. I need to find the joy again without you. Somehow I have slipped into not accepting the new reality again. You have chosen the new reality and make your intention to stick with it clear.

Here we go again. Hopefully I can stop posting this soon, since if I mean anything to you, it is only a distant and hopefully fond memory.

<i>Tim. I love you. I miss you. Come back to me.

October 20, 2013

you are the most complicated person ive met in my entire life! i love you but i also hate you. youve chipped away at my self respect and weakened me to the point i dont think i can do better. you know the most intimate things about and dont care the pain you cause. to you im just a toy in your toybox. i was never a person you loved. my emotional turmoil is your joke. ive given so much of myself to you only to have it thrown back in my face and why...so you can enjoy seeing the pain youre able to cause. youre a control freak in the worst way possible. you tap into peoples needs and use them to reel them in. you knew i was lonely and needed a friend. i craved acceptance and was crying out for a shred if compassion and love and you filled it so well but then twisted a knife in it and enjoyed watching my strength as an individual die. i needed what you gave so badly but i still you for what you are a mean person. youre not my friend and never were! i wish i could smack you across the face hard as i play back all the memories we shared. they were all lies and you wanted me to know they were lies because youre a sick freak!!!!! i wish i could figure you out but i never will. youve taken my trust and heart and shattered it in a million shards. i wish id never met you....

October 20, 2013

Every day I miss you. I think about you all the time. I often wonder if you think about me. Do you ever miss me? Could you really stop loving me this fast? Maybe you never really loved me. Maybe it was all a lie. I was always true with my feelings. I always loved you and I will for a long time. I just wanted you. No matter what issues you had I wanted to be there for you. I wanted your love and nothing more. So many times you told me how I could do better and how you're not good enough for me. It used to hurt me so much every time you said that. I loved you for you and didn't care what anybody said. I would have fought for you till the end. I would have been there with you loving you and caring for you. That's all I really wanted. Why did you push me away? I will always want you and nothing more!

October 20, 2013

I am sorry Anya. I know its no consolation but I wrote something similar. It pulls out my heart. Stay strong. I can listen everything and i know those feelings because i am in that same dark place, like so many others here. Keep writing.

I worked today until she took over my thoughts completely and i tried to walk it off......No good..

The only highlight of the day was finishing `Starter for 10` By the guy who wrote `One Day`

Read it. Its funny.

Take care
Haydn

I haven't read one day, either. I will look these books up. :-) Thank you for the suggestion. If you don't mind some raunchy humor thrown in with some pretty so far well-written horror, "This Book is Full of Spiders" is absolutely creepy and hilarious at times.

I was hoping to get to study sooner, but after I ate, the food really got my gluten attack going again, so I will have to wait until it dies down again, and then just not eat at all until I am done.

It sucks to be here. I hope I can find someone soon who can trust me. Dammit!!! I would have done everything I could to protect his heart and if I could at all possibly help it, ensure that I didn't hurt him!!! Why couldn't he have told me? Why couldn't he have let me reassure him???

October 20, 2013

Anna, Anya what you both said resonates so close to home. I want her despite what massive pain i am enduring. But i do think i would not know what to do if she ever tried to contact me. Part of me (small part), wants to have a fairytale and a happy ending. I know even if she calls it will not be like that.

`Hi Haydn, i was so so wrong`...........(Only in movies)

Today i thought i would jump into the Thames! Not for real its far to cold today! Moving on is so hard from this. Its like being connected by invisible thread. The more you try to pull it the more your jumper unravels. A friend of mine today said `You look totally done in Haydn, get some rest`

Anya what you said about someone trusting you is ho i feel.

Maybe we are `drop dead gorgeous` as the song says.

Take care. Haydn

You take care to Joel Barish.

October 20, 2013

Anna, Anya what you both said resonates so close to home. I want her despite what massive pain i am enduring. But i do think i would not know what to do if she ever tried to contact me. Part of me (small part), wants to have a fairytale and a happy ending. I know even if she calls it will not be like that.

`Hi Haydn, i was so so wrong`...........(Only in movies)

Today i thought i would jump into the Thames! Not for real its far to cold today! Moving on is so hard from this. Its like being connected by invisible thread. The more you try to pull it the more your jumper unravels. A friend of mine today said `You look totally done in Haydn, get some rest`

Anya what you said about someone trusting you is ho i feel.

Maybe we are `drop dead gorgeous` as the song says.

Take care. Haydn

You take care to Joel Barish.

Yeah, I think there is a part of me that wants the fairytale again. I had gotten rid of it, but it seems to be back. That wants him to sweep me into his arms and tell me that he's working on his trust issues and all, but if it actually happened, I'm pretty sure that it would hurt. That I wouldn't be able to trust him again.

Interesting analogy. I really wish I could find someone who would trust me again, and who I could trust, and I am unfortunately, not familiar with that song. I don't listen to the radio much. :-)

October 20, 2013

Ugh!

Your team made the world series. And I won't be able to watch with you.

I don't know if this is relapse, vitamin deprivation from the glutening, or both. But it sucks. And I need it to be over soon!

October 20, 2013

or

There you go.

World series? Whats that? (Joking)

Have nice night.

Haydn

October 20, 2013

Anna, Anya what you both said resonates so close to home. I want her despite what massive pain i am enduring. But i do think i would not know what to do if she ever tried to contact me. Part of me (small part), wants to have a fairytale and a happy ending. I know even if she calls it will not be like that.

`Hi Haydn, i was so so wrong`...........(Only in movies)

Today i thought i would jump into the Thames! Not for real its far to cold today! Moving on is so hard from this. Its like being connected by invisible thread. The more you try to pull it the more your jumper unravels. A friend of mine today said `You look totally done in Haydn, get some rest`

Anya what you said about someone trusting you is ho i feel.

Maybe we are `drop dead gorgeous` as the song says.

Take care. Haydn

You take care to Joel Barish.

I always think about that fairytale happy ending and wonder if my ex would ever come back. I know if he did I would not love him the same way I did before. He hurt me too much and I would never be able to continue where we left of. It sucks to love somebody who doesn't loved you back. I have never been rejected before by anybody and maybe that's why I'm stuck in this situation.

I wish all you guys speedy recovery from this madnes.

October 20, 2013

Anna, i know. He loved you and somewhere he still does. I believe this about my ex. Rejection is is cruel and we just have no idea why. I have had no explanations. Just all i know that she was so insecure ALL the time. I am sure she loves me but she could never stop herself from destroying everything with her jealousy. I said before, i should have walked a long time ago. But i let her take control of everything and she saw how far i would go for her. I think maybe she smiles about that. That someone one could love her so much and be so selfless. She always wanted to get a big reaction from me. I never gave it to her. I miss her with all my heart and i love her. But its so futile and and sad to feel this way. its going to take a while.

Right now i trying just to get through the night.

Take care of you.

Haydn

October 20, 2013

Anna, i know. He loved you and somewhere he still does. I believe this about my ex. Rejection is is cruel and we just have no idea why. I have had no explanations. Just all i know that she was so insecure ALL the time. I am sure she loves me but she could never stop herself from destroying everything with her jealousy. I said before, i should have walked a long time ago. But i let her take control of everything and she saw how far i would go for her. I think maybe she smiles about that. That someone one could love her so much and be so selfless. She always wanted to get a big reaction from me. I never gave it to her. I miss her with all my heart and i love her. But its so futile and and sad to feel this way. its going to take a while.

Right now i trying just to get through the night.

Take care of you.

Haydn

I know how that feels too. My ex used to love to start fights just to see how far I would go for him. He told me he loves it when I get mad. I never really understood that but now I'm thinking he was probably so insecure about himself and it gave him a big ego boost knowing how much I really loved him. I would never go there again. I would never take him back. I still miss him but that chapter of my life is closed forever.

And just like you I'm just trying to get through the night.

Take care of yourself friend, we are in the same boat and hopefully these feelings will be gone soon so we can get back to our lives.

October 20, 2013

You left me even though you loved me. I am sure of it. And you didn't trust me enough to even tell me your fears, well in a way, maybe you did, but I didn't see the enormity of them, otherwise back on the 19th of June (I think that was the day), I would have addressed the fundamental fear driving your questions.

I would have told you that I cared deeply for you (at that point, I didn't yet know that I loved you), and that because of that, I would do everything I could to protect your heart and keep you from getting hurt in and because of our relationship.

Maybe it would have been enough for you, maybe not.

I hurt. You hurt (probably, or have buried it and will hurt later, I am given to understand).

Why can't we hurt together? Why can't we face the fear together?

But I know that I would now fear that you would leave again and for the same reasons. I don't know how I could ever trust you again.

I am in so much physical pain right now, my abdomen feels like a hockey team is having a major row with their hockey sticks. My mood sucks because of the gluten. I have a plan in place that minimizes the work that needs to be done tonight, so that I can rest and recuperate, but it does make the rest of the week more stressful.

And all I want right now, all I stupid want right now, is to hear your voice.

October 20, 2013

Trying to sleep but i remember the time i took you away. You were feeling so insecure and depressed. I got 2 t shirts in pink for us with and had the words `spend time` printed on them. You loved it. Night S.

October 20, 2013

I feel so stupid. Why am I sitting here wasting my time thinking about you when I know you are out there having fun with her. I am done with you! I hate myself for ever letting you in my life! I will never write about you again. You are not worth my time. Tonight I'm saying my last goodbye to you! Hope you rot in hell for all the pain you put me through.

Goodbye as*hole!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for all your support guys. I wish all of you good luck and hope you all can find peace and love in your lives.

Love

Me

October 21, 2013

4 and a half months since the break up and not one single moment of weakness from you, that sucks.

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