Post here instead of contacting your ex!

October 17, 2013

I had a really good time yesterday in Palm Springs. Always good times with Daisy and Jannely. So many foreign guys there. I met a few and gave them my #. One i was really interested in. Today Im back home and I feel kinda scared. On my drive home I talked a lil about you to Daisy. And when i got home i felt like i missed you so I went on your FB and saw your profile pic. I can honestly say that I saw you as a stranger. Like so far away from me and like someone who has nothing to do with me. like you never had anything to do with me. That scares me because at one point in my life you were everything, you were my world. As the day goes by i feel like im not missing you and like i have finally let go or moved on. It is a seriously scary feeling. I feel like I need to talk to you or text you or something to "check" if this feeling is true, real ...idk. But I wont do that. I dont want to hurt myself and in reality there is no reason to because even if i realized that i still had feelings for you , its not like you do. So there is no point. If you wanted me back then there would be a point but you dont. Idk this is scary but im just going to go with it. Maybe tomorrow i will feel different. I hope this is good in the long run tho for my recovery. Honestly today I wish you the best in life and I can say that I dont want you back

That's it! The fear of getting over him. I have that too.. The fear of some day living a life, where he doesn't mean anything to me anymore. The man I thought I was going to marry. To live with for the rest of my life.

I hope you get through this. Stay strong.

October 17, 2013

He will never read this, nor do I want him to, I'm using this t[b[/b] get out the emotions I could never say to him...

There are things in your past that I never knew, things I could never understand, you've been through a hell worse than any I've ever known. I didn't want to fix you, I couldn't if I tried. All I wanted was to bring the sunshine back into your life. You lived in the dark for so long, stuffing your emotions down so deep I'm not sure you knew what pain was anymore. You are a beautiful person with so much to offer but you stand in the shadows and won't let any light in. It was impossible for me to love a man who honestly didn't know what love was. I tried, I truly did. If there was a way to erase your past and let you see everything I saw in your eyes, all the beauty and wisdom, I would. But I was broken too, scarred from past loves, do you have any idea how difficult it was to even let you in to begin with? I don't know where the man I fell in love with has gone, but he's not within you anymore. We created a life together, and it ended before it even began. I wept alone in bed because you weren't there for me. Maybe we are both just too broken to be able to be together, or maybe it was me, maybe I resented you for your lack of emotion when it came to matters of the heart. I'm sorry I wasn't the best towards you in the end, I know I made mistakes of my own and I regret them. The truth is all I ever wanted from you was some comfort, I needed to hear you say we would be okay, we would make it through and all you could say was that I needed to move on and stop thinking about it. You were so cold, so distant, and I don't get why. Do you truly not have a heart at all or are you that broken that you can't feel?

Its good to get feelings out..i wish u well in your healing. Have you thought that your ex hS narcissistic personality disorder. Reason why he cant love and can be so cold. U obviously fell for him during his charming phase

October 17, 2013

Its all a bit bollocks without you. I miss you so much. But then again, the times you rejected my love. Argued with me for no reason! Your depression, you never wanted to get help! You never wanted to admit anything. You were always right! I should have stood up to you. I took the physical blows from you. I took those punches. You really hurt me. Remember when i came to yours and said hello to your neighbour. You told me to spend the night with her because i said hello!!!!!!! I was sane when i met you. I dont want to MISS YOU. Even if you are a (BPD). My heart is yours........

(For now) But there will be a time when this door is closed. And i want it to come soon.

October 17, 2013

Its all a bit bollocks without you. I miss you so much. But then again, the times you rejected my love. Argued with me for no reason! Your depression, you never wanted to get help! You never wanted to admit anything. You were always right! I should have stood up to you. I took the physical blows from you. I took those punches. You really hurt me. Remember when i came to yours and said hello to your neighbour. You told me to spend the night with her because i said hello!!!!!!! I was sane when i met you. I dont want to MISS YOU. Even if you are a (BPD). My heart is yours........

(For now) But there will be a time when this door is closed. And i want it to come soon.

I hope it comes for you soon!

October 17, 2013

Deep inside, whatever story you are telling yourself, you know who I am. And what you gave up. I may be soon sharing myself with someone else.

I hope it is soon.

October 18, 2013

So I listened to that song you played me, "Bet your heart on me." We weren't even that far from the breakup when you played it.

But you know what, you certainly apply in that song (Ha!) just not the way you portrayed it. I'll find the guy that will be the one I can bet my heart on, who will be willing to wait with me as I finish working through all this with you.

How could I know what a bad bet you were for my heart, that rainy night we went back to your place and we had our first kiss?

Or who else that might be so much better for me right here in my own town, I lost the opportunity with be because I bet my heart on you?

October 18, 2013

Don't know why I am posting here so much today. Maybe I am getting the last of you out of my system.

I am about to go read more of my new book, "This Book is Full of Spiders."

You would hate it. There are some pretty vulgar parts. They are wickedly hilarious, though. :-) But I am taking plenty of pleasure from reading a book that I know you would hate and disapprove of.

But you really didn't care for books. That should have been my first clue. You didn't care much for my cat. That should have ended the relationship immediately.

My friend who came to visit, and my mother and several others all speculate that perhaps you never were the person you were around me. I hope it is not true. But that one sided shoulder shrug makes me wonder.

Did you set this whole situation up so you could enjoy my pain?

October 18, 2013

I talked to someone else tonight. I didn't think of you at all.

October 18, 2013

I haven't thought of you all morning. Even when I came here to the "post here instead of texting your ex" thread. I still didn't think of you.

It was only after I read Joel's post above, about talking to someone else and not thinking of his ex, that I thought about you.

By your own choice, I don't know you anymore. This angers me a little bit. Not that much anymore. But I suppose I should thank you. Because if I was still with you, I never would have met the person who I really hope something happens with.

You made your choice. For comfort, familiarity, and not risking to find out what it is that you really need and want.

I hope that you are happy with your decision.

October 18, 2013

Scheduling my all my stuff to be packed up so I can leave here has been good for me. It's given me at least one step towards healing. Even if it seems like a very sad step.

I went out and got the last groceries I would ever buy in this place-such an unusually nice day here today. Just as I've gotten comfortable with our neighborhood and speaking in a foreign language, I will be leaving. Kind of like our relationship-just as I got comfortable-wham! Over.

I've been looking at pictures of us from the past 11 years, all the way through to our wedding day. I've read emails and chats and played through everything we've been through in my head.

I don't know if you were lying this whole time, or you had a breakdown. Were you deceiving me this whole time, or did it just all pile up and explode at once for you? It's hard for me to believe all those beautiful, exasperating, crazy, hard, easy, fun, special times were just a total lie. Loving you made me a more open person-I hope now not loving you won't take that away from me. It made me feel whole-not in a I-need-another-person-to-complete-me way, but in a you're-the-other-piece-to-my-puzzle way.

I was always so independent...loving and trusting you, I thought it was finally ok to lean on someone a bit. And boy, was that nice. How much stronger I felt with your support.

I was ready to be living here with you. I embraced your friends-and they embraced me, too. We talked SO much about our hopes for starting our own family-especially because we were both wanting better than what we had ourselves...at least, that's what you said.

I hope that this in't my only chance to be happy with someone. I only got the tiniest glimpse of this kind of life, and man-I really wanted it. I wanted to build something with you. I wanted that partnership...that family that we had talked about. Why did you lie to me? Why have you been so cruel throughout this? All I did was try to help you-I really know deep within my heart that I did everything I could. I guess there's some peace in that at least.

I wish I could fast-forward to where I'm happily (re)married with a great guy who loves and appreciates me-imperfections, disagreements, and all-with the kids, the dog...not a conventional life necessarily (I've never been conventional), but a solid, happy one. This pain is intensified by not knowing if I'll ever actually have that. And that scares me. And I HATE you for leaving me here like this. Alone. Without friends or family nearby to give me a hug and support me. We always said we'd be friends.....even if things were to end, I'm most angry that you've destroyed that.

I think you are weak and mean and I don't know why you have this hold over me. People say to me-you can do better, you deserve better-but can I? Do I? Will I find it?

So many questions. And who do I want to talk to them about....you. Dammit.

The person that is destroying me is really the only one I think would understand. And isn't that the b$tch of it all?!?

October 18, 2013

I don't really get you.

You introduced me to your dad,

showed me your baby photos,

made me dinner,

cuddled me all night,

told me all of your problems and issues...

and then backed off?

It's such bizarre behaviour.

Can't you be direct and say,

'I'm not into you'

or

'I like you but I can't handle this right now'

How can your actions/words from then have changed over a few days?

IT'S SO WEIRD.

And that's what's hard to get over.

Like, wtf was that?

I just don't get it :/

October 18, 2013

It's the shallow stuff,

I know it's shallow.

BUT F, you are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO painfully good looking. I could stare at you all day. You are JUST SO GOOD LOOKING. You're the handsomest guy I've been with.

I guess that's the problem. You have so many options.

I hope the next guy is even handsomer than you. You were the hottest I'd been with yet. And the best in bed. Damn.

October 18, 2013

Last time today

I know that really it was me, getting caught up in expectations and in my imagination.

I know that you were semi straight up about your issues.

But you didn't really put boundaries on anything.

Everything happened fast yeah.

But it's not about what happened.

It's how you reacted to it.

You had no courage. You were a coward. You just didn't REACT.

I know I don't want a man like that.

But I liked you a lot.

But why can't you just have some balls?

October 18, 2013

So I read over some of our messages from those nights just after we started seeing each other exclusively.

Maybe a small twinge of something like consternation. Regret. The whole thing was quite an odd fiasco.

But I'm not swooning in despair. I realize that there are people who are a lot better for me. I realize that I will be fine without you. And that I am better off without the people who ditch me in my life. And, at this present time, that includes you.

There are many ways, because of the N and the S, that you really didn't know me at all. I mean the basics, that I am loyal, and (everybody says I'm) sweet, intelligent etc. and what not. Yes. You knew those.

But so much of me, you never even seemed to take the time to want to discover.

October 18, 2013

Why?! Is it so unreasonable for me to know why you are doing this?? Why you are choosing to end things...especially like this?

Even when it looked like our marriage wouldn't, we both kept saying that we wanted to end things amicably....why can't you do that now? Why the meanness and cruelty? Why put me in a position where I have to grovel and ask for help from everyone that only JUST did beautiful things for our wedding?

All I wanted was to discuss things like adults....grieve for the things that we are losing, and acknowledge that it can't go on.

I wanted to look at our wedding photos and get to remember what a beautiful day it was. I wanted you to say I looked beautiful. I tried so hard to do it all for you-I wanted to elope, after all.

Why do you have to be so mean? I loved you and you said you loved me.

You are a total piece of s*^t for treating me like this, when all I've ever shown you was love and support.

Why can't you come and give me a hug and say you're sorry...not so we'll continue being married-that's gone forever. But as a show or respect and caring for the 11 years of friendship we DID have first. There was no need to ruin it all by treating me this way.

October 18, 2013

I keep thinking about all the arguments you started. When my daughters mother came to pick her up from us. After she left you said `SHE SHOULDN`T BE IN THE ........HOUSE. DRESS YOUR DAUGHTER AND MEET HER DOWNSTAIRS!` When i said that this was unreasonable you blew up accusing me of loving and ......others. I tried so hard to make you see i needed your trust so much. Everyday was a question of who i worked with, who i saw. What i talked about. `Haydn i bet they all wanted .... you`. Why did you become so nasty and bitter. I gave you everything i could. I wish i could stay angry with you but at the moment i can not. I want to. I want you to know, (But you never will), I went on a date today and i felt better. Someone else wanted to be in my company. How could your insecurity drive you so far away? If you are out there with someone who makes you happy then try to trust. I know you cant. I want you S. But i will never tell you again. You will never hear me say it. Take care. Haydn X

October 18, 2013

Just had some good academic news. Not only was telling you not my first thought, I don't even particularly want to tell you.

This would be different if you hadn't completely severed yourself from my life. But you chose to, and so now I'm choosing to completely remove myself from yours in all ways.

Will probably continue posting on this particular thread until I'm seeing someone else, but my first thought of who I wanted to share that with, was the man I would never have had the chance to meet, if you hadn't done what you did on September 6th. My second thought was my friends. My third, my parents and brother.

Thank you.

As much of a Jedi mind **** as you put me through, you gave me the chance for someone so much better for me. I will try to not make the same mistakes with him (if things work out, but I really think they could) as I made with you.

And you. You will have to live with the knowledge that I would have loved you with my whole heart and mind, second only to God (loved YOU! not the construct of your parents' unmet needs and wishes they were trying to make of you). And that people who are able to step back from their partners, forgo the Pygmalian project, and simply want them to be the best them that they can be <i>are really rare< /i>. I am uniquely suited to be able to do this.

And I would have. Helped you ditch all the dross and confusion, of what others' expect of you and tell you you should do, and help you figure out what YOU need and want and desire.

October 18, 2013

My post must have been too long. But anyway, That is what you could have had and lost.

You will hav

e to live with the knowledge that I will be giving that to another man.

And I will be living my life based on my faith, needs, wants, desires, and the faith, needs, wants, and desires of those who share in my life.

I wish I could say the same for you without question.

October 18, 2013

Last night I had a dream that you came back for the day. It was a Saturday. You told me that you and B were happy and that you had come out here for some reason. That you wanted to hang out at night and I told you no. You asked me why, if I had a date. ANd i told you yes i did. In my dream I asked you if you were going to apologize and you did after that I slapped you a couple of times. You told me that you and her looked through each other's phones all the time and that it bothered you. That you werent at peace but that you loved her. I told you that I didnt miss that about our relationship. That it was stressful not to have that trust. You told me that you wanted to know what was going on in my life and that B was ok with you contacting me once in a while. I told you that you didnt understand because you had someone you loved and cared for that you didnt understand what keeping in contact would do to me. Then a truck pulled up to the restaurant where were talking and it was body dropped or whatever and had a nice paint job so u stopped talking to me and went outside to take pictures of it. I think this dream might be me coming to terms with the relationship. That club always meant more to you than me and now that i think about it, i was always second to everything in your life. I still dont miss you today. And im ok with it. Good luck to you David. I hope to not miss you tomorrow either. I love that i can document everything here. I will look back and realize all my progress someday

October 18, 2013

These past few days all I really feel is anger towards you. I don't want to hate you but the only thing I can think about was the last day we talked. You told me you were going to call me once your friend leaves so we can talk. I waited and waited and you said he's still here. After a while I called you and you didn't pick up. I called a little while later and you didn't pick up again. Then, you sent me a message saying "What do you want?!".You have no idea how much that hurt me. That was the side of you I never saw before. You have never talked to me that way before. At that moment I realized we were done and there was no love left for me. I felt like a piece of my heart was ripped and out of my chest. That pain is what I'm still living with.

I really needed to talk to you that day. It was so important to me but it didn't mean anything to you. You knew I was going to dump you that day but you did not want to give me that satisfaction. All I needed was to let you know how I felt and how much you hurt me. I needed that clousure!

October 19, 2013

I really have to stop posting on this thread. You chose to leave. You don't deserve my time or attention, no matter how I may have felt about you in the past.

I gave you my trust.

You broke it.

That is the simple story of us. The be all and the end all.

That is all.

October 19, 2013

hate you, im so cold now ive had many relationships but I gave every bit of effort I had to you, to someone not worth it, to the total wrong person, now I don't know if I can let anyone in, I find something wrong with each guy, or maybe now I can just see each guy for blatantly what they are, all get and no try after. I rather stick with me just me.

October 19, 2013

I wasn't expecting that I'd have to come back here. I saw you today, its been over a year since we've seen each other and it ended pretty badly. I say I saw you, I saw your car out of the corner of my eye and made sure I looked away as I passed you, I couldn't bare to look.

I expected to be totally indifferent to you, I don't think about you, I don't miss you or love you anymore. I knew it was inevitable to see you at some point, but I had it prepared. However, I wasn't expecting my stomach to flip, get butterflies and get all the old feelings back.

I guess its just strange seeing someone I used to love so deeply after a longish period of time, especially considering how much pain you put me through. I just hope that this doesn't happen again, especially if I see you in person. You don't deserve my time anyway so 100% I'll blank you.

October 19, 2013

I went out last night, I didn't want to but my friends talked me into it. Here and there my thoughts turned to you if a song I know you like came on but all in all, I did really well. I danced, I sang, and I remembered how to live life without you for the first time since we broke up. Today is different, we had plans, big ones that we'd been planing for months in advance. I wonder if you went, and if so, are you wishing I was there with you? I want to call you up so badly but I know I can't

October 19, 2013

If you valued me as a friend or human being, you have had ample opportunities to show that to me, and you haven't taken them.

Regardless of what I felt, you obviously don't feel the same.

Either you really do have too many issues or you were just out for what you could get.

Either way you can give nothing to me.

I deleted your number today.

IF we ever talk again, balls in your court now.

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