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July 14, 2013

I keep a photograph in drawer

Since the day you left me at the door

And now there's nothing left of you and me.

I'm a total wreck,

I'm smoldering

What's a boy to do?

I have nobody but you.

And our hearts are sad but true.

The Midnight Blue.

And now our hearts are midnight blue.

If I could dedicate anything to you it would definitely be the my shame is true album, the whole thing is our relationship through and through, listening to it just takes me back to all that we had, why did you have to go and **** that up!?, seriously, at least have the decency to stay out of my world, since you left I stayed out of yours, I haven't been in to your work, i don't talk to anybody you know, I stayed the **** away so stay the **** away from me, my mum is the biggest chatter box going when it comes to talking about Facebook, I don't want to hear about you, I don't want to know anything about you so please pretty please however you me to say it, **** off and stay that way, you have no right to be a part of my world in any way especially my flesh and blood.

I can't think of any reason you would want to even be friends with my mum other than keeping an eye on how my son is growing up but that would just mean your sick and twisted in the head, he has been the only one who has seen me cry since you left, he shouldn't have to see that, seriously, you've done your damage so give it a rest already, your a evil selfish inconsiderate bitch and I hate you, just be gone already!.

July 14, 2013

I am sorry, I used to shout at you for shouting at me and look how easily I flew off the handle bars, I'm so relived it wasn't what it seemed, I don't mean what I say, I'm just hurt, it feels like forever has passed already and I still can't find peace in how this ended, no matter how hard I try, the truth is I still miss you and I still love you, the pain hasn't subsided completely but I'm okay, I have to be, the days aren't as long anymore and i make more of them now than I ever did before, you hurt me so deeply that everything I always wanted out of life I suddenly don't want anymore, I just want to be on my own, that way I'll never have to feel this bad ever again.

I just wish it was half this hard for you, you walked away and had nothing To say for yourself, that hurt the most, I'm not going lie I ****ed up and I turned in to somebody I didn't like, I was jealous and I was afraid that somebody better would take you away from me, I became insecure and pretty much the kind of man who needed to hear his worth constantly from your lips, I wish so much you would of been there for me when I needed you the most, I wish you could of comforted me and made me feel alright, that's all I really wanted, I just went all the wrong ways about it.

I geuss neither of us can take back what we've said and done, we just have to live with it, I wish I was still the man you fell in love with, I was proud of that man, he overcame every obstacle and had a deep undying love for himself, he vanished the moment he prioritised you above everything else, I am sorry for the way I treated you and for the depressed demeaning person that I became, I hope one day you give that album "my shame is true" a listen because just like the album my shame is true.

I learned a lot from being with you and that's to never **** a good thing up ever again because everything that follows is far worse than what you dealt with in the first place, that's all I have to say, I'm paying for my mistakes now, maybe one day I'll know better and be that man you loved once again, goodnight.

July 14, 2013

I want to go home and I can't share this level of grief with anyone. This is too much.

Sharing can help. Maybe someone else has been here and can help?

July 14, 2013

One more night and then it will be 5 whole days NC, why does it feel like a year? How am I going to do this forever?

July 15, 2013

You're in my heart

You're in my skull.

You're in my blood.

You're in my bones.

July 15, 2013

I just barely managed to stop myself from sending this to my ex. I'm no longer angry with her, I recognize my own faults in the downfall of our relationship and I almost emailed this. Thankfully I forced myself to stop.

----

I recognize that in sending this I could be setting myself back in my healing process but I am okay with that. I don’t expect a response and I’ll understand if getting this email upsets you. It’s not my intention to upset you, but I just wanted to say something. Nothing bitter, I promise, just some last bit of closure for me to truly move on.

I’m sorry. I know I don’t need to be because I know my shortcomings do not excuse what you did, but I am so, so very sorry. I hope you can one day believe that. I took you and us for granted and it cost me greatly. It cost me more than I ever wanted to lose. I just wanted you to know that this experience has given me clarity. I always said you brought out the best in me, but it took the end of our relationship for that to actually happen. Because after reflecting over the past month I understood the problems I had were just that, MY problems. I should never have brought them into our life for you to deal with. That wasn’t fair to you. I understand now that I have the power to change these things. And one day, I will get to that point in my life where I won’t let my insecurities and my fears hurt me anymore. I’ve finally gone to therapy and I’m going to better myself and become a better man, so that if and when I find true love again I won’t make the same mistakes I made. Instead I will be confident and happy even as I stick to the core values of who I am.

I thought about all the times you’ve thanked me for things. And you are most welcome for all of it. But I want to say this: if you want to thank me for anything, just thank me for being the person you once said gave you the encouragement and strength to succeed. Without that, maybe you would never have made the move you did. And if you didn’t make the move, you wouldn’t be where you are now. So, you can thank me because if you hadn’t met me, you wouldn’t have met him who I know you are happy with.

I’ve always loved you with all my heart. I always knew my love was unconditional. You will forever have a piece of my heart that I will never get back. And I’m okay with that because you will always have a special place there. I never wanted anything more than for you to be happy with who you are. I would have given anything to make you happy. But that didn’t work out. You deserve to be happy, and if that isn’t with me, then I love you unconditionally enough to let you go.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I will never forget all the wonderful things we shared together. I know I will someday look back years down the road, no matter where I go or what I’m doing, and reflect on the years we spent together as some of the best I’ve ever had. Thank you for everything.

Edited July 15, 2013 by thishatteredsymphony

July 15, 2013

Today was the first day back at work, everybody was so nice and supportive to me, there was so many times I wanted to cry, I'm such a mess, yesterday really threw me off the wagon, the timing couldn't of been any worse, you've been all over my mind ever since, I know it'll get better and it's just a blip, I just hate it, today felt empty, it should have been a huge step for me and I still feel just as worthless as I did in the last 2 years, it was your friend's cruel words that even got me to this point, I hate that bitch but I wouldn't be at the point I'm at now if it wasn't for her degrading insults, I always felt the day I made this step you would be my side kissing me and telling me you were proud of me, the fact you aren't here just makes the whole experience feel ****ty and pointless.

My support structure in life has never really been there, I don't really have any friends I can lean on and if I tell my step dad of my accomplishment he'll only degrade it and tell me I'll never stick to it, I wish I wasn't the kind of person who begs for approval and praise but I geuss I never got it in the first place, I would love to know how it felt, how ****ed up is that?.

I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy and felt at peace with myself, I long for that internal bliss, instead I'm stuck between constant inner conflicts, it's hard to blame you for walking away, I'd do the same if I saw me, this constant pain just eats at my soul, I'd love to date and find somebody who could appreciate me for what I do and all that I am but the fear of disappointing yet another person just pulls me away from all of that.

I try to be strong and keep people out, with you I opened up and after all that went down, I'll never open myself again, I give up, people have a unique habit of using me for there own personal gains, It left me so ****ed up in the past that I never wanted a friend ever again, I did my best to limit myself to people and now I have nobody, you'd think that was a bad thing but it's the only time I feel safe, you were the best friend I'd ever had, you were my soul mate, that's the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with losing.

I wish I had been completely honest with you about my past but all that lay there was shame, I knew you saw through me and just wanted the truth, I wish I could of have given that to you, my attitude was my defence, I never meant to make you feel stupid or be demeaning to you, I was terrified the past would repeat it self, I felt if I put on a strong front I could never be hurt again, I was a fool, I'll never be that idiot again.

July 16, 2013

I really hate these nights, I was fast asleep and I dream of you, the sadness is too much to bare to go back to sleep, how can I still be so in love with you after all you've done and how horribly you've treated me?, you've moved on like I never even mattered in the first place and here I am, still in a daze thinking about you and dreaming about you, still hoping for something after all this time, still praying your being good to yourself and not up to anything degrading and stupid, I can't think of myself with anybody else, the thought of you with another man drives me crazy, I always felt you were the one for me and that still hasn't changed despite all this crazy ****, even now I'm still your loyal lap dog hanging on for one last bit of attention from you, I'll never understand why I was so deserving of this cold and cruel treatment from you, that part will baffle me now and forever more.

July 16, 2013

I thought I saw you again today, I thought I saw you with another guy eating a subway, just like we used to do, the thought that you can so easily replace me after all this time is devastating, you have no idea how much you've ****ed me up, do you just live to bring me to my knees?, I'm an anxious panicky mess, you made such a big deal about cheating, you won't on and on about how you would never do it, I hope that's the one thing you didn't lie your face off about, you knew the hell I'd been put through before, you knew exactly how to hurt me and you didn't spare me one bit, I needed comfort and support, I needed that kind and caring side of you, I would of given anything for that, instead I suffered your cold and selfish wrath, what more did I have to do for you to love me?, I did everything I could even when you didn't deserve it, I loved you so much, how could you justify treating me that way?, I guess I'll never know.

July 17, 2013

It's so ****ed up that after everything you did I would still take you back in a heart beat if you ever asked, I just miss how I felt when I was with you, I miss your touch, I miss how you smiled at me, I miss it all, I love you, I accepted you weren't coming back a long time a go, it doesn't make it any easier though, I know by now you've probably moved on, maybe even found someone else or been with someone else, it hurts but it was always going to, I haven't been with anybody since you, I try to show an interest in other women but their not you and they will never will be, since you came a long I couldn't see myself with anybody else, your the only person I wanted to be with, your the only person I had eyes for, I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life and that was the only time I ever wanted that with anybody without the feeling of being obliged to do so, everything I felt for you was genuine and I put my heart on the line for it.

I tried my best, I pushed every limit, I did it for you, it feels like it was all for nothing, I hope one day you at least regret the way you treated, it wouldn't make up for everything but it would mean something to me.

July 17, 2013

WHY do you keep activating your facebook as soon as we are not having contact anymore. YOU WON'T SEE A DAMN THING on my wall as we're not friends and friends of friends can't see anything. Are you mind****ing me or what is this bull****?

I'm fed up with you being so selfish. You could take time off immediatly for your family, but getting a few extra days so we could do something fun was off the record. Me coming over so we'd have the evenings was off the record. What were you hiding to begin with? I hate the person you have become and I'm glad I finally opened my eyes. You aren't the guy I fell in love with. The reason I stayed with you and put up with this crap so long was because I was in love with the idea of you being that guy I fell in love with. You haven't been. You're a selfish piece of ****.

July 17, 2013

I'm really sorry I had to end it with you. We both know how it would have worked out if I didn't. I miss talking to you and hearing your laugh. I miss telling you corny jokes and making statements..then you questioning my thought process with your typical "what is wrong with you?" statement.

You say you don't have any ill-feelings towards me, but do you? Why did it take you only 15 minutes to send me an email? Was what we had only worth a 5 sentence reply that took 15 minutes to send? Are you that relieved the weight was lifted from you? At the end, you said "maybe you'll see me at the finish line." What exactly does that mean?! I really do hope in the future you and I can pursue a relationship. But right now, I need to move on and you need to attempt to rebuild what you have.

July 17, 2013

20 days NC.

I am having a bad moment of weakness.

I darn near pressed send and at the last minute closed the page and came here.

I feel like I need a full on intervention but I'm the only one that can stop myself.

I am keeping busy as heck. When I get off here I will be running around until late into the night again. So many changes in my life and things to look forward to but then on the flip side I want to tell you about what is going on.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CONTACTTTTTTTTTT.

Missing your companionship like crazy right now.

How long can this go on?????????

I wish I knew how you think and feel.

Have you ever wanted to contact me but don't?

July 17, 2013

I miss your laugh. I miss our corny and stupid jokes that no one but us ever laughed at. I miss how our eyes matched each other perfectly. I miss the feel of your hair in my fingers. I miss how your body fit so perfectly with mine. I miss how your hand was so much smaller than mine, so that I could hold it tightly. I miss your crooked smile, I know you never liked it but I always thought it was cute. I miss the way you would rub your nose with mine.

This is why this hurts so damn bad. Do you know how very little about you I actually didn't like? VERY little. I've been told one of the best ways to heal is to start listing all the things I didn't like about you. But the worst thing I can find is that I didn't like how messy you were. Sure, now that you've cheated on me and lied to me and dumped me for the other guy, I can add those to the list of things I hate about you. But even then, my list of things I dislike about you are so small. Why? Because I LOVED you. I loved you unconditionally as you never loved me.

July 17, 2013

The hardest part of all this was how you left me, I still don't know what I did that was so bad for you to dump me, I don't know what I did for you to treat me that horribly, all I did was love you, treat you like my queen and in spite of everything you put me through, start fresh with you, I was loyal to you, even now I'm still loyal to you and all I have left is the memory of you that follows me around wherever I go.

All I asked is for some affection and appreciation in return, I wanted you to see me as something special again because somewhere down the line I stopped being that for you, I was insecure and now I'm being punished for that, please ask yourself, how would you feel if this was the other way around?, if you had to see those messages, if you got dumped every few weeks, if you had to deal with me changing my mind and my feelings about you all the time, if you had to deal with broken promises, if you got pushed away when you needed me, if you gkt spoken to like some vile shame riddeled person,how would you deal with me taking a good chunk of cash of you and walking away a week later, how would you feel if I blocked you out completely, how would you feel if I had a Facebook and I added my ex girlfriends and a whole host of new women despite how that side of my past hurt you when you was with me, how would you feel if you bought me really thoughtful gifts that you thought was going to make me smile and finally how would you feel if my friend called you up and told you I'd given them away and you meant nothing at all to me anymore because your a loser with nothing worth living for?, that's what you did and that ****ed me up.

I wasn't the best boyfriend there ever was but I saw your short comings and I forgave you for all you said and did because I knew there was a good person inside you, I never stopped you from doing anything and I only ever asked you to reconsider if it was something I was uncomfortable with, I'm not perfect and like anybody else I have my weaknesses, I wanted you to accept those weaknesses and make me strong, rather than fight me accept me for who I am.

I love you and because of that love I wouldn't of put you through half of this and if I was stupid enough to do so I would at the least say sorry and absolve you of any blame or guilt because like me right now, you wouldn't have deserved it, even now my good nature forgives you and wants nothing but the best for you, I tried so hard to be that for you, I gave it all I had, I bettered myself in so many ways to be the best man possible for you, I guess it means little now that you gone but please remember that I tried, I wish you could of made that same effort, failing with somebody you love would of felt better than failing alone.

I still miss you, I still miss all you were and all I felt when we were together, nobody felt better in my arms than you did, nobody did it better than you, I still miss looking through my peep hole seeing your beautiful face and smiling to myself because you wanted to spend some time with me, I still pray every night god gives me something from you, anything just to know our time together meant something to you because it meant everything to me.

I hope your taking care of yourself and I hope your not doing anything wreckless or stupid, I hope your still the same old smiley face friendly girl I fell 50 ft head first for, it would break my heart to know your anybody else.

July 18, 2013

My family would always tell me how lucky I was and how beautiful you were, I told them I knew and I cherished it every day, I really did feel like the luckiest man alive, thank you for that feeling, it was the best I'd ever felt, I'll never forget you for that, I never took a day of it granted, I'd give all I have to for it to have meant the same to you.

July 18, 2013

Goodbye for now,

Leaving town for a while.

Broken hearts, broken bones,

Fading smile.

Did I lose everything that I love?

I suppose that I did, when push came to shove.

Now I want you back and waiting there for me.

I won't hold my breath,

I don't expect a thing,

But a boy can dream.

Tell me everything will be okay.

Tell me that you're still in love with me.

Tell me how to get back into your heart.

There I shall I remain, 'til death do us part.

Goodbye for now,

Leaving town for a while.

Broken hearts, broken bones,

Fading smile.

Now I want you back and waiting there for me.

I won't hold my breath,

I don't expect a thing,

But a boy can dream.

Tell me everything will be okay.

Tell me that you're still in love with me.

Tell me how to get back into your heart.

There I shall I remain, 'til death do us part.

Tell me everything will be okay.

Tell me that you're still in love with me.

Tell me how to get back into your heart.

For there I shall I remain, 'til death do us part.

July 18, 2013

I hate you, forever and always.

How come you haven't texted or emailed me? Where are you? What the hell are you doing? Why was I never your ideal woman? Yes, I've been horrible, thanks for NOT asking. How have we come this far without any communication between us? Are you still thinking of me? Dreaming of me, perhaps? (No, that would be too much to ask.)

No, actually.... I DON'T want to know what you're doing. I DON'T want to know where you are. I'm glad that you've disappeared from the realm of my internet existence, just as I have escaped and disappeared from yours not too long ago. And I'm absolutely, absolutely, not going to tell you what's been going on in my life, where I live now, what will happen to me in the future, and where I will live in the future. Forever, undoubtedly and always.

I love you. But it's a sick, twisted kind of love, a love that compels me to push you away, a love that consumes my soul and paints it black, a love that wants you to suffer, a love that makes me want to scream something paradoxical like, "GOODBYE, cruel love, meaningless fate! I'll never be back, and I will! You can count on me, and I'll see to it that your death is inevitable and reborn!"

Alas, I don't know just when this cycle will end with you, my dear little monster.

July 18, 2013

6 weeks since SHTF and 3 weeks NC and I am entering some sort of stage or something because I am WHAM struggling again.

I am staying busy as heck, going going going, and making some serious life improvements and all this stuff and suddenly the urge to contact you is worse than it has been since this started.

Are you going through any withdrawals?

I feel like I can barely contain myself yesterday and today.

I miss your company so so bad.

I miss that smile that spreads through me when you appear.

I want you today.

July 18, 2013

Happy birthday my beautiful princess...I hope you find your way back to me one day soon. I miss you and love you so much. My life is so completely empty without you....

July 18, 2013

You're a joke of a human being. Not much else to say.

July 19, 2013

There’s an angel waiting in the shadows

Behind that big black window watching over me

And now I’m able to waltz through violent nightmares

of killing sprees and bomb scares

To kiss you on the cheek

I thought I lost it all the day that I lost you.

It’s taken me until just now to find the truth

You’ve always been here haven’t you?

There’s a stranger inside of me named anger

He worked for me, but danger was your middle name

Now I’m able to waltz through violent nightmares

of shattered glass and road flares

to kiss you on the cheek

I thought I lost it all the day that I lost you

it’s taken me until just now to find the truth

You’ve always been here haven’t you?

I thought I lost it all the day that I lost you

It’s taken me until just now to find the truth

I thought I lost it all the day I lost you

it’s taken me until just now to find the truth

I thought that I lost it all the day that I lost you

it’s taken me until just now to find the truth

You‘ve always been here haven’t you?

To my best friend, it's been 6 years since you've been gone and you've never once left my mind, you made nights like this so easy, I thought you'd always be around to do that, I miss seeing your face every day and our nightly phone calls, I miss laughing with you, I miss staying up all night smoking ourselves stupid and playing on video games and watching anime, I miss how you giggled when I said something stupid, I miss how I felt when you was around.

I thought I met somebody nice now I'm not too sure who I met anymore, right now I'm a mess and I need your help to pull me through this, I thought I'd finally filled this hole you left inside me when she walked through the door, I was a fool, nobody could replace you and what you meant to me, I'd never want anybody to and from now on I'll never expect anybody to measure up to you ever again, you were so special in your very own unique ways, nobody will ever take that away from you.

I haven't made the most of my life since you've been gone, I once sat by your grave and promised you I would live a happy and fulfilling life in your name, I'm sorry with all my heart that I haven't kept that promise, I've tried and I've given it my best, I hope you saw that, I've lived in shame and regret and at times I wasn't my best but I went out a good guy, at least I hope I did.

I love you, I'll always miss you and you'll always be in my heart, I hope I get to see your face again someday.

July 19, 2013

You said you would always love me and as soon as you are free you will come and find me and we will have the forever you always promised me. But in the meantime you don't want us to talk except when I see you Monday nights. Then it can't be personal because its too hard on us both.

You never stayed faithful to me, you lied about everything, big and small, you ruined me, us with those lies. I am broken, humiliated that you proved everyone right. You told me your life is over but it's looking pretty ok from here.

Why do I care anymore? Why can't I cut you off like you deserve? When will this end?

July 19, 2013

I am now in an anger stage towards you and I. Why did I let myself get this deep in? Why did I allow myself to be second?

Now that I think about everything--I really hope you are happy wearing that mask at home and just "going through the motions" knowing I'm not there for your entertainment or stroke your ego. How long can you keep that facade and "dancing around" until your next one?

I hope you enjoyed having your cake and eating it too. I gave you your space when you were at home with your family and abide your requests when not to contact you. You better hope and pray the next AP will be as considerate as I am; both you and I can't guarantee she will be.

I wish you find peace and happiness in your life.

Edited July 19, 2013 by hippetyhop

July 19, 2013

I have no resentment towards you for leaving me. Nor am I cynical about love. You showed me that love really is a miracle.

I was not in the correct head space during much of our relationship. I over-analysed things (like I always do). I LOVED YOU UNCONDITIONALLY, despite how my mind taunted me with doubts about how we would continue with our long distance. It is bizarre to say this but I feel that my attitude have chased you out of my life if it hadn't been for this break up. Maybe you sensed that and broke up with me before I managed to undo us. Perhaps, this time of self-improvement and maturing might be the best thing for our relationship in the future. I can tell you one thing, if you come into my life again, I will love you like it is my last day to love.

I have many regrets for how I treated you in the past, but I also am proud of how I supported you and cared for you. We were victims of circumstances but champions of love.

My heart can only go on two paths from here. Either the one that leads to you again, or the one that leads to someone better. You set the benchmark.

I love you little bug.

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