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July 8, 2013

No I can't be your friend. I'm glad I could finally honestly explain myself. What you did was cruel. Just because you believe you did it for right reasons, or that you didn't do it at all, doesn't make it right. Now you're saying you miss me and want me in your life? Well you had me, you preferred someone else. You have to live with your choice, whether it turns out to be good or bad.

You don't get to have it all. You've got new boyfriend, and the old one is supposed to be your friend so you feel good? no no no, I stopped being at your command.

It's hard to see you becoming better person with someone else, why couldn't you do it with me? I tried to be a better person for you. You thought you were perfect and didn't have to do a thing. Everyone was supposed to like you from the start and that's it. No effort. On one hand it's good to see that our relationship made you realize few things. I guess it gives our past relationship a meaning. A turning point. You become a mature woman, not spoiled little princess that you were. That makes me feel good. I always try to find meaning. I think it will be enough for me..

I will leave you last, very short letter. It will be waiting for you when you pick your things up. I won't be at home, but that's good. I don't actually need to see you any more but after a proper, normal and civilised conversation I will leave you that letter. You don't deserve it, considering everything, but that's the kind of person I am. I prefer honest and calm goodbyes..

July 9, 2013

It's gonna rain like this for days,

I'm gonna drown in my old ways,

But I'm fine.

I'm fine.

It's gonna hurt like hell

When you pull back the hammer and fire,

But I'm fine

I'm fine.

You see a storm knocked out my super power,

Now I sleep through thundershowers.

Wake me when you learn to be cool.

If I'm the captain of this boat then all my shipmates are fools.

And all the the stars in the world couldn't help me steer my way out of this kiddie pool.

I'm gonna wake up from these dreams

With nightmares lined up on my street,

But I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Needed a hand to keep my head up

So you put hooks in both my ears,

And I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Yeah it's a chronic pain in my ass but no, it's not a burden.

It's ironic that I drink to make my insides stop hurting.

And it's love that gives me heartburn,

It's a song that makes my stomach turn,

And I wouldn't trade my hand for all the aces in the deck.

Cause I'm fine

I'm fine

July 9, 2013

Have to admit, seeing you today hurt like hell, even if it was from a far, hard to believe someone who looks so innocent can be so selfish and evil underneath, can't help but think about who your spending your time with these days and how on earth you got over me so fast, no point thinking about it now, nothing will change what you've said and done, your just a stupid bitch, I feel sorry for the next guy who falls for you, it'll be a 50 ft drop face first, I hope you learn some lessons on how to treat people after all of this, you entered my life and left it in ruins without the smallest hint of guilt or remorse.

Nobody deserves the treatment you dish out, I hope one day you change your ways but hey, your just a stupid kid who doesn't know any better, if nothing else I'm happy by myself now, that's one thing you can't take away from me.

July 9, 2013

You made me depressed. I became clingy and needy around you. I was not myself, and this was because you broke my trust so many times by sexting other girls. You are a loser, you flunked out of college and have no future goals. You're an emotionless *******, and I can do a million times better than you.

But guess what? I still ****ing love you with all of my heart.

July 9, 2013

Strange, I don't feel like I think I should. I should be more upset but I'm not. I haven't shed any tears. I have no desire to talk to that person. I do not know if she has NPD but I suspect it based on what I've read. I have learned from this experience. I will stay away from only children, and certain other categories. Now I have a list of red flags, which I must not forget. However I'm in no rush to find a new relationship. I'm going to start loving and respecting myself for a change. Sure, I've lost the decade of my thirties, but you couldn't tell that by looking at me. I'm moving on. Too bad, it's her loss and my gain.

July 9, 2013

I dont know why you didnt want to try to work things out. You just wanted to end things there and then, completly out of the blue , we only got married 6 months ago.

When you said you dont miss me that hurt the most, you were so cold. How can the woman i loved only weeks ago turn to this thing that I dont even recognise now

I really want to hate you but I can as Im madly in love with you, I miss you so much it hurts. you were my best friend, my soul mate.

July 10, 2013

Today's been a reminder of why I never feel secure around you. You give off hot and cold all the time. It's plain as day you want to get rid of me and I'm not going to stand in your way. I'm slowly learning to detach and not let you control my happiness anymore. I've depended on you for too long and I'm looking within to grasp feeling ok on my own. Trying to remember what it was I was before we met. For a long time now the worlds revolved around you and I'm to blame for that. I lost myself in you and relied to heavily on you. I need to be ok with or without you because day by day I never know what it'll be.

I never know where I stand with you and what's worse is I think you like that

July 10, 2013

I'm so tired of thinking of you, I just can't do it anymore, I can't even remember you fondly after all this, you broke all your promises, even when you left you didn't waste any time forgetting about me and breaking every promise all over again, why did I deserve that hell you put me through?, you knew it would kill me to see all that and yet you had no problem doing it, just when I thought you couldn't sink any lower in humanity you had your friend do your talking for you.

What did I ever do to deserve such cruel treatment?, I had nothing but good in my heart, you took all that, threw it away and probably had a good laugh about it, it took some doing but you are by far the most evil disrespectful selfish person I have ever met and I've met more than my fair share.

My faith in the goodness of people is at an all time low, I'll be lucky if I ever trust anybody ever again after all of this, you messed me up so much and you walk away without a thought or a care for anything you've said and done, I don't think I'll ever have it in me to open myself up again, I did it for you and just as I feared, you took full advantage of it and left me for dead.

I'm done, I forgave you for so much, I tried to see the good in you, I don't forgive you for any of this and there is no good in you, you always said you hated your dad for everything he said and did to your mum, take a good look at yourself because that's who you are right now and that's what you've put somebody through, I hope one day karma pays you back for this, if there is a god out there, I'll believe it when that day comes.

July 10, 2013

*ring ring*

(ex) Hello?

(me) FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!

July 10, 2013

I'm done posting about you which means I'm done thinking about you, I don't think I'll ever forgive you for all you've done and I certainly don't think I'll forget it, it's been well over a month since I last talked to you, I'll probably never hear from you again, that's so sad, I thought for sure we'd be married and have our own little kid some day, I don't know what happened to that person.

It feels like I'm the only one who's even grieved this relationship, the way you handeled it has been far from humane, I don't know what you expected of me, I did all you asked, I gave every part of myself to you, I don't know what more I could of given, I give up ever knowing.

I'm starting back at my old job next week, working there was the only time I didn't feel completely useless as a person and without you around to make me an emotional wreck I might just stick it out and be okay, all I wanted was your love, understanding and support, with that I could of done anything, you were to much of an idiot to ever see that.

I loved you more than I'd ever loved anybody, that's going to be so hard to get out of my system, I wish I could be like you and just forget people in an instant, I wish I could pretend you didn't exist and we never even met in the first place, I wish I was that sort of person but I'm not, I couldn't be that cold and cruel, this is goodbye for the last time, I still miss you, a part of me still loves you, have a good life, I hope you find somebody special again some day, I hope so much you grow up and learn to cherish what you have by then, please don't **** it up!.

July 10, 2013

Humbled by own ignorance

Never thought this could happen to me

Secure in a place I longed to be

Suddenly tossed like waste

Into the streets of despair

Littering the path

To a future no longer there

Looking to you for support

But you no longer care

A fool to believe

I was above reproach

Easy to deceive

Such lovely elaborate cards you wrote

Words like forever and love thrown about

Never a hint of uneasiness uttered from your mouth

Never a red flag of dissolution hung in our house

A feeling of uncleanliness washes over my body

The loneliness wages wars

Logic and emotional spirits torn

From the same misdirection

A formidable pain comes to grip my heart

Squeezes the life out of everyday

Sucking out whatever peace I have left

Parasitic in its attempt to steal from me any hope, pride and the slightest shred of dignity needed to see me through

Gone is the confidence one seeks in a man

Lost is the assurance of a positive outcome

The solitude solidifies my disposition

A desperate mess

Created by love

Destroyed by a stronger love that only time came build

A love that trust inhabited

Your touch is all imagined

Soft skin

Warm hands

Inviting lips

Wreaking havoc

The final goodbye is upon us

A last cry descends quickly

The gravity of the situation is not lost on the moment

The finality is palpable

Your acceptable and willingness to push through is unimaginable

Your mind is made up

Nothing I can do or say will change your heart

You know what it is that you want

More importantly , what you don't

What you had and now decided you would rather do without

July 10, 2013

Today has been the first day of NC for you. You broke my heart yesterday when you told me you didn't love me anymore. You were trying to fall back in love with me but couldn't. You knew I still loved you but you didn't feel the same. You were unhappy, not knowing what you wanted out of life.

I sobbed as you left. I told you to never contact me, that I'm removing all contact information for you, that I don't want to see you at gatherings with mutual friends.

I didn't beg. I didn't plead for you to stay or change your mind. To give me another chance. I did, unfortunately, ask what I did wrong and you told me nothing. And that there's no one else.

But what I'm crying for now is that I can't hate you. I can't tell you to f**k right off. You did this in the most humane way possible, even after you'd been feeling like this since May. It would be so much easier if I could hate you. But the way you did this....it doesn't turn off my love for you. That I wanted you to be happy. I still do. I just don't know how to handle it being without me.

It's killing me inside that you did, as recently as 3-6 months ago, feel that you were in love with me. You meant it when you told me. You meant it that you wanted us to eventually move in together and marry me. That this was going to be the future, what we both wanted. That had been the plan for so, so long.

It's also killing me inside that you told me that if I needed to ask you questions, if I needed someone to talk to, or if I needed to rant at you about this, you welcomed it. You wanted me to. Why would you want me in your life that way, knowing that I still love you.

I know you've been unhappy with your career. You've had problems with your parents. I know you felt like you didn't know what you wanted to do professionally. But how can you throw me away when just last week we were going out on dates, were sharing emotionally intimate things, had physical intimacy. You made it seem like nothing was wrong, that everything we'd talked about in previous conflicts was behind us.

The only thing I want from you is to find that happiness, work on yourself, and tell me that this was all a mistake, that you didn't know how much you loved me and now, how much you want me back in your life. That our relationship can't be the same as it was but you want to start a new one with me. And that when you do this, I still love you as much as I do now. You won't be the same person, but you'd be a better, more confident you. One who loves what he does, his appearance, and no longer holds animosity towards his mother. Someone who is able to, and does, love me back.

But for now, my heart is breaking. If you can't do the above, I can't communicate with you any longer. And it's killing me inside. It's taking every strength of willpower I have not to show you this.

July 11, 2013

Dear, Drew.

It was January 22nd when we first met..but. I still miss you I miss you so much, words can't even explain. And I've been crying all night long. And I wish I could spend this night with you, because I know I'd be smiling, and laughing, and not wanting you to go. I miss everything about you, and everything you were, everything you use to be. You've changed. You aren't the same person anymore.. but regardless. I still miss you, and it hurts me to this day. To know I let go of something that I still want so so so badly. Someone who really made an impact on my life. Even if I made a little on yours. I loved you, beyond this world. I looked forward to waking up in the morning and checking my Skype to see a message from you. To come home from school and just want to give up, and then I'll talk to you and my whole day would turn upside down. You meant so much too much, and I hope you know that. I adored you for everything you were even if you thought you were nothing. You meant everything in the world to me. And without you things have been different, very different. And hard, really, really hard. And I wish I had you here, cause I really need you. I'm crying, and listening to Ed Sheeran. I sound a mess. And I wish I could just message you and make everything be how it use to be. But deep down I know that will never happen.

The first day I met you was magic, and the rest of the months that followed were some of the best of my life, even if we had fights. We never stayed mad at eachother,and we would always get on eachother's nerves. Or be nervous to talk on microphone together, because it was always just that awkward. And I remember our first kiss on the beach. And how we planned on meeting. And the 1st time I cried when you left. And all the other times (hehe). And when we use to roleplay, and how much we use to miss eachother.

But I know your happy without me, and I should be doing the same. But its been hard. I hope your happy and I hope "she" is doing everything in the world to make you smile. I know you hate me, and you may not miss me or feel a thing for me, but I know you once did. Even if I was a rebound. I am glad that I was in your life and you were in mine. You made me realize how much feelings and words could mean, even when you were so far away, and some days I wished I was in your arms. God, I miss you. v_v Just know I will never forget you, and how you made me feel. And know you meant everything to me. And I could spend days on end talking to you. I wish the world and a million stars and wishes for you. I wish you the best and more, even if you hate me. I will always love you. No matter where you are in this world, my love for you will never fade. No matter what. (Infinity & Beyond like I always promised you..)

Love,

The Girl You Once Were in Love With.

Edited July 11, 2013 by Phact

July 11, 2013

Ugh. Everything Phact said above. ^^

(Assuming this post processes in time.)

You are still the last thing I think about at night and like a dum dum I still keep my yahoo and mail on even though there's noone there to ever say hi to or to say hi back to me.

I have to delete that soon. It's ridiculous.

It has been over a month and I told you NC.

You and I will never speak again, I don't know WTH I am waiting for.

I saw a guy today in Home Depot that looked just like you except a slightly different nose and bigger lips.

I couldn't help but stare, it was so strange.

You know what I realized tho...you aren't THAT special looking.

But in some way...you were mine and special to me.

This sucks.

July 11, 2013

I have been NC for almost a week now. The first few days were easy but tonight is so hard

I miss you, so much. I know there is no point in talking. I know we aren't getting back together, and I don't want to right now. I want time to myself.

And maybe it'll sound crazy, but you told me I'm the girl you'll marry. I want that. So ****ing bad. I will take this time apart, I will grow and learn and live but so help me if you don't come back to me.

I'm trying to move on and let go because I know that's the only way for reconciliation in the future (and if we don't, the only way I will be healed)

But I miss you. I know I told you to not contact me again.

But I miss you.

I miss you I miss you I miss you. I just want to hear your voice. No judgement, no strings attached. Just your voice.

I want you to break contact even though I've made you promise you won't. I want you to call me up and just tell me you love me. I'm trying so hard not to love you.

July 11, 2013

Leave me alone, you left me, stop pressing me for answers I don't have, I need time and space to figure this out.

July 11, 2013

It's been a eye opener and good lesson one I will never forget. I will never lose myself in another person again no matter how strong my love for them. I've stopped trying to figure you out and come to the realization I don't need to know the why's and just know why I need to make changes. There's a lot of things I don't like about you or trust but there's equally a lot I still love and think fondly on. That's something that won't change but my reaction to those things have. I can't let you consume me anymore. I'm ok being away from you and by myself. I'd rather be lonely then messed up in the head anyday. I'm getting past my hard feelings and wish you the best in your life and future relationships. I hope you're able to eventually be you and trust enough to fully open up to one person..

July 12, 2013

I'm sorry I couldn't take you back, you have to leave me alone now, I have no regrets for us, it was only a bad experience if I didn't take anything from it, I took 3 years of good times and I learned something about myself, I love you and I will always care for you, take care of yourself.

July 13, 2013

I was waiting for this to happen to me but nothing's happening

I feel my skin as the sun burns in and something in me says let it

Cause

One more look might change it all

One more word might change it all

One more try might change it all

One more kiss might change it all

One more look might change it all.....

July 13, 2013

I can't take your breadcrumbs...

I want to talk to you more than you could possibly imagine,

But it's just not healthy for me to do so.

The lows are too low, and the highs just became nonexistent.

You told me I was expendable and then you want me back?...

What's to keep you from dropping out of my life again?

Your good word? Last I looked, that check bounced.

Still though...

I have parts that tear at me to try to get you back.

July 13, 2013

today really hurts.

July 13, 2013

I want to go home and I can't share this level of grief with anyone. This is too much.

July 13, 2013

I'm sorry for my faults that led to you being unhappy. I never wanted to become that man. This break up has led me to do a lot of soul-searching and I will eventually take this experience and use it to better myself as a person.

But that still does not excuse that you cheated on me. My faults and shortcomings do not compare to the pain you caused me. Someday I hope I can find it in my heart to forgive you. And when that day comes I know I will be a better man.

July 13, 2013

There just ain't words to say how sorry I am,

For acting like a school boy trapped in a man.

There's nothing I won't do for one last chance.

May I have this dance?

Just one last dance

July 14, 2013

The home we built together is sold.

I moved out yesterday.

It hurt like hell.

I will never go back there.

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