Post here instead of contacting your ex!

June 18, 2013

Its your birthday tmr. As much as I wish I was spending your birthday with you, I dont think you want to spend it with me. I wonder how you are doing and I hope you have an amazing birthday. I love you so much despite everything that has happened. I wish I coule hug you and kiss you right now.

June 19, 2013

I felt I needed to post on here one last time, I don't quite know what my final parting words to you should be, there's just so many things I could say to you.

I think the first thing I should say is I'm sorry, I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry, I've been a mess and I need to recollect myself, I truly loved you, I hope you never doubted that for a second and I hope you know you were the only one for me, ever since I first saw you, I couldn't get you out of my mind, that's the first and only time I've ever felt like that in all my life, I doubt I'll ever feel that way again but that doesn't matter because I'm going to be on my own from now on and that's fine, since I met you I couldn't find anyone else attractive, even now that feeling won't leave me and if I'm really honest, I don't want it to, it wouldn't feel right if you weren't the only one in my eyes.

Just like I promised I'll stay out of your way, I won't contact you no matter how desperate and sad I get, I'll leave you be, I owe you at least that much, I hope you enjoy the presents I sent you, I didn't know if it was a good idea or not but I was truly gutted when I couldn't buy that Barcelona polo shirt for you and the other gift I geuss I hoped would be a keep sake for you, something you looked at when you felt sad or down on who you are so yeah I couldn't resist.

You truly were beautiful, I hope you never forget that, inside and out, you are an absolute stunner, I was so lucky to have you in my life, I took that for granted, I made you feel terrible and I know that now, I think back at how I talked to you and I'm ashamed, you tried to tell me and I somehow justified it, there is no justification for it, it's just shameful and the more I think about, it was mental abuse, it kills me to think I treated you like that, I pray you know i didn't intend for that, never ever would i want to abuse you in any way, I always tried to treat you the best I possibly I could, I just lost myself at times and I'm sorry.

I'm starting to accept the things you were saying, maybe you just came along at a time when I wasn't physically ready for it, it's heart breaking but there's truth to it, you shouldn't have to deal with my illness and for months, I gave up and if I can give up like that, I can't blame you for giving up, I wish I could of been the one for you and I really wish there was a reset button so I could take all this back and treat you the way you deserved, in my eyes, you were my queen and I should of treated you like one.

I really did want to marry you and spend my life with you one day, I sprung it on you too quickly and I can't say it was a mistake as that's what my heart wanted but it was a mistake asking you so soon, we should of lived together first, we should of spent so many nights together, I was trying to protect you from my illness and seeing me in a bad way, instead it pushed you away, all I ever wanted was to feel close to you and wake up to your gorgeous face every day, I feel I wasted so many nights alone when I could of been wrapped up in your arms instead, please know it was never personal, to me there has always been 2 sides to my life, the life I lived before and the life I live now, both are different personalities, in my first life I was happy and upbeat about everything, in this life i feel depressed and low on life, with you, most of that second life faded away and faded fast because you gave me the reason to go on, the side that didnt want you around as much was the side that couldn't cope anymore and didn't want you to see me like that.

Your young and I know the thought of all this scared you, truth is, I've never really had big ambitions, I've never reached for the stars, I've always been ready to settle down because i take life at face value and I was brought up to appreciate the simpler things and that's it, for you, your going to have a great job and a great life in the future, your one of the special ones and maybe one day you'll settle down and have a wonderful life with someone special.

I don't know when I stopped making you happy but that day will be known as the saddest day of my life because I lived to make you happy and I really put my heart into it but I didn't do enough and I couldn't be more sorry for that, you longed to live life as a free bird, I gave you restrictions and made you feel like you were tredding on egg shells, i never once thought you would ger cheat or anything like that, i knew your values, I had no right to have a say in anything.

I wish I could take all of that back and start again but sadly that's a wish that'll never come true and I'll have to live with knowing I could of done it differently but didn't, if I saw all that before I hope you know I would of changed instantly, you were always worth it, you were worth everything.

I know I'll never speak to you again and I know I'll never see you again, that makes me sad because you weren't just my lover, you were my best friend and my soul mate, my life feels so hollow without you but now I have to move on and forgive myself for this and just hope to god you can forgive me for it too, I need to redefine the line from needing something to just plain wanting it because life is a wonderful one time thing that should be cherished, I always knew that yet somewhere down the line I lost sight of it, despite all this I will miss you so much and there will always be a hole in my heart were you were once held so dearly, my biggest regret was not living up to your expectations and now I'll live with that, it'll be my driving force to get better and be the best possible person I could be.

To me you'll always be the one, even if it means you were the one that got away, I don't think I'll ever quite get used to the idea of one day seeing you with another man but I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted, I'm sorry you ever thought differently, I was a jealous guy, I said and did so much that I can't take back, I wish I could but as they say what's done is done and all I could do was make it up to you, I wanted so much to have the chance to do that.

I hope your happy now my darling, I hope you live a good life, I'll never forget you and what you meant to me, it was everything, I would of loved so much to say all this to your face, I feel you deserve to hear it but I geuss some things are better left unsaid.

I love you, I always will, to me you'll always be the cute one of a kind girl I fell in love with at the clothing aisle, you were the hero I needed, I don't think I'll ever set foot in there again, not because I'm scared of seeing you but I'm scared of the memories I'll relive all over again, so yeah that's everything you meant to me, I hope deep down you know all that already. xxxxx

June 19, 2013

I am not tempted to contact you today, or ever, but I am having one of those really bad days where all the stuff you did or said to me, all the gaslighting and manipulation, is coming back to my mind, and just mindf*cking me over and over again. That's how bad you were: I am feeling your influence on my head even now, long after I ended things with you. I wish I could just wipe out the past year from my memory: that's how miserable you made my life in the past year. And this Thursday marks the first anniversary of our meet-up. If I could go back to exactly one year ago, and change things so that I had never met you, I would. I really would. I didn't need to lose my virginity, and I lost it to possibly the worst human being ever, the most cruel person I've ever met.

June 19, 2013

Ugh hate you sometimes bitch.

June 19, 2013

all these years flirting with me and the moment I reciprocate, you kick me in the ass. It was only a challenge for you, the ego bug you had to had, and you had it. I hate myself for having done that, I should've let you there, stored in the back of my head with a bunch of other guys that never mattered, that's where you always belonged... I cannot believe I gave full attention to someone that was so obviously a passive-aggressive jerk and a player.

June 19, 2013

To my friend. I know it's been a month since I sent that text and all I can say is that I'm truly sorry for ending it that way. This is not a bid to get you back because I can't go back to the way things were and because I do care I wouldn't want to try and accept being with you in a way that I simply can't. I would end up running again in those circumstances and I don't want to put you in that position. You didn't mess me up; I did by be a willing participant in the type of relationship I simply can't handle.

We have been friends a long time and you deserved more than a simple text from saying I couldn't do it anymore; that it hurt and confused me too much. I wonder though. Would it have really mattered? Would I only hear you say the same things you've always said? Things like, "I care about you. Can we be fwb? Im holding you back. The guy you end up with is one lucky guy." I never told you this, but hearing you say those things was extremely hurtful and I didn't want to open myself up to hearing them again. It would have felt like a slap in the face once again.

I can honestly say that I never lied to you and was always willing to answer any questions you had with the truth if you had the courage to ask them to my face. You never did though. Im not sure why you didn't and I guess I never will.

Im also sorry I had to leave before your big trip. It would have killed me because I know that it is not something we could ever experience together. I didn't know what else to do and the answer I came up with was to remove myself and begin healing. I hope you understand and forgive me one day. How could I communicate my hurt and concerns to you when I knew what I would hear? There is really nothing you could do to make it any better because the reality is, I would still have to accept that you have a "real" life that in no way includes me. I hope you understand why it was too painful for me to bear. Oh, and coinsidentally, I hope you don't run into any on your travels. Haha.

Enjoy your trip and your family and just know that I wish you peace and happiness. It's sad that we could never just talk about things for real. I would have really appreciated that and maybe things wouldn't have played out like they did.

Take care of yourself and I truly do hope you're happy. At least now that Im out of the picture you can truly focus on what it is important to you without any distractions.

XO

June 19, 2013

Just in case you were wondering, I didnt leave for someone else. No, there was only you. Im loyal that way because that is how Im wired. Take care. X

June 19, 2013

Hey removed, how are you?

First of all, apologies for sending this out of the blue, but I need you to know something before I leave it too long and regret not telling you now. I want you to be aware that even though it's been a while, I still really miss our conversations about everything...and I'm wondering if you'll ever want to start/have one ever again.

Essentially, I don't want you to permanently disappear from my life, which you're in the process of doing. I just can't imagine not speaking to you ever again. Can you imagine that? If yes, you should stop reading now...but if you can't, I would like us to re-establish regular contact at some point (if you're willing, and when you're ready) before we become complete strangers.

I know you've never remained on talking terms with an ex before, and yeah it'll be a bit weird at first, but....you're still one of the few people that know the real me (possibly the only one), and hopefully I know you better than most after all this time. Unfortunately we didn't work out as we both hoped we would, but I'd rather build on our time into a good friendship rather than continue down this current path. I think it will be an interesting experience to get to know each other as friends, as we've only ever known each other while we were dating.

I haven't contacted you earlier because I was hoping you would. There's a lot of crap online advice that tells you that cutting all contact will help and that staying friends with an ex is a bad idea; but I've stayed friends before and it works much better for me. I think it will for you to, if you still care about me. It's clear to me now that cutting all contact does not help if you cared about the person in more ways than a lover/girlfriend. Do you remember me telling you that you're more than my girl, but also my best friend? Well, that was and still is true, at least from my end. Maybe other people have taken my spot as your best friend but I can deal better with losing you as a lover than as a friend. Hell, I've met a lot of great people since we last spoke and you're still the most interesting person I've ever known. Why wouldn't I want to be friends with you?

I think what would work best is if we simply exchanged emails for some weeks/months, to get comfortable with each other again, before even considering meeting in person. (We might decide not to). From my side, I can confidently promise that I won't try prying into your personal life, bug you too much, or expect you to contact me regularly - you know by now I'm not that type - but it will be good to know I can send you an email with my reaction to removed

What do you think? If you agree - and you know you do if you've thought about me at least once this week - there's no need to explain yourself. Just start a conversation as you would with any friend. You could answer the first question in this email; it's not just a polite opening. I really want to know how you're doing...how's your work going, your passions developing, what are you excited for this summer, if you watched and what you thought of removed ...these are things that I think had nothing to do with the fact that we were dating. I think those are things we can share because we have so much in common.

Basically, it's up to you now. By sending this, I can stop wondering if you'd be willing to try out being friends. Also, this is your chance to show me that time can be changed as by replying positively you'll be creating a new timeline; one that we never glimpsed through time-travelling SMSes. I hope you use this immense power responsibly and for the good of humanity

Remember: there is nothing holding us back from talking and maybe becoming friends except our own beliefs and assumptions that it will be awkward/difficult/painful etc. Unless we try, we'll never know

T

PS: If for some reason you are not interested in trying, you can ignore this, I suppose. But I'd appreciate it if you could at least let me know and maybe explain what's on your mind with such a decision. Truth be told, I am genuinely confused as to what your reasons are for completely cutting contact with me. Lots of questions remain. Is it for your sake, mine or both? Do you really think that we have nothing else to say to each other? Will it be like this forever? I think I always treated you really well and feel a little entitled to an explanation. But...up to you

June 19, 2013

I wish you could forgive me for leaving you... I want so badly for things to work out and know that you are struggling with some things right now. I know that you have no reason to put your faith or trust in me at this time, but I am hoping that you will see that it is possible, that I will NEVER leave you again just because things get difficult. PLEASE soften your heart and realize that we can have such a great relationship, a great marriage, a great family with me standing by your side instead of me being disgusted by your addiction. I have made a lot of changes and now realize that OUR problems were NOT just YOUR problems, but that a lot of my attitude made things so much worse. I am so sorry for that and hope that you can forgive me some day--I hope very soon. I know that you want to close this chapter of your life and "work on yourself", but our eternal family needs to stay together, and we need to work on our relationship together. It's not just about love... It's about working through the difficult times with the love that we both still have for each other.

I love you so much and am so sorry that I didn't show you that love, honor, respect, dedication, support, etc... that I have for you, and that you deserve!!

Please forgive me...

June 20, 2013

I really wanted that message I posted last night to be the last one, looks like this'll have to be the last one, after what I saw tonight, I feel I need to get it out there and just forget about it.

For some reason Netflix freaked out and reactivated my Facebook account, I'm assuming someone logged in my account on a new device and it reactivated so I went on to delete it so it wouldn't so it again, my iPod stupidly took me to your page, I think it was fate that it did, I saw an icon on your friends list and I knew the face as soon as I saw it, the same face that plagued my mind and left me depressed for so many months, I had to check to be sure.

I was devastated when I confirmed it was him, you added Doug as a friend, I scrolled down and saw Terri, another painful blow and finally there he was, the guy you flirted with on those text messages, Reece, it destroyed me, you've been cold and cruel with me since you left but I tried to see the best in you and figured you where doing it for your own good to get over me, after tonight, that's just cruel beyond my belief, I can't believe you could be that selfish and heartless, you have no respect or love for me, if you can do that you never did at all, I know now you don't care about me

I deserve a lot of what's coming to me but that's just too much and I didn't deserve to feel the way I did in that moment, even now I'm shaking and desperately fighting back tears, when you left me you dealt such a big blow to me, now it feels like your still swinging at me, I can forgive and forget so much but I can't see myself recovering from this, my heart can't take it, I can't forgive that, even then in that moment when I was so tempted to ring you or message you and to crazy, I'd be entitled to do that but out of respect for you I didn't and I won't.

You hurt me so deeply, you'll never grasp that or understand that, even now I don't hate you and I don't feel bitter, I just feel so deeply wounded and rejected, I feel lied to and cheated, I feel like I meant nothing at all, how could you do that to me?, how could you think I deserve to see that?, you knew it would kill me to see that and send my mind through loops, you got what you wanted, I just wish you had the heart to at least apologise one day for it.

There's a silver lining though, for the last month I've been on beta blockers and they messed me up big time, physically they made me so sick and gave me horrendous migraines, emotionally they made me unstable, they made me debilitatingly depressed and suicidal, they turned every emotion into a full blown crisis, I was suffering so much from mania, since switching medication I feel better and more like my old self.

Now I look at this and I can move on, I can walk away and mean it, I made mistakes but I always tried to correct them and make it up to you, I was a damn good fiancé to you, I wouldn't of done this to you and if nothing else I'm proud of that and I'm proud to have treated you so well, I didn't deserve this but at least now I know what I meant to you, I just wish it wasn't this little.

You won't get love you's and miss you's after this, you'll never get a single thing from me ever again, not after this betrayal, it hurts too much, it's too much to think about but it won't tear me apart, not this time, you've made me cry and broke me up for the very last time, I never thought you was capable of anything like this but I was a fool and I've been so blind, not anymore.

I can't think anything to end this on other than a lyric from an alkaline trio song that relates so much right.

•You got a sign so I payed a ransom, you felt sorry so I felt a wrath come, had a nice grip on my life till you twisted my arm•

June 20, 2013

hey!

can't even breath

June 20, 2013

Not sure if this post is old or not, but I'm going to do this.. Lol. Btw, my ex reminds of a lot of Christian Grey from 50 Shades (minus the contracts, and the sex wasn't THAT extreme ). Anyway..

Dear Ex,

We used to be really good friends before we thought it would be a good idea to date. Why exactly did we do that? Yeah, sure, we really did have some strong feelings for each other. But why didn't we think of the consequences of that decision, good or bad? We had a couple couple break up and make up situations, then a few "this is seriously it" fights. I knew who you were before we date. No, I take that back..I THOUGHT I knew you you were. I watched you date, or just sleep with, a lot of girls and the relationships didn't last too long. (And I know why..Okay, that was mean, I take it back). I figured, you know, you and I were "good friends" and I was somebody important in your life, that you would never purposely cause me pain. Oh Gosh, was I wrong there. I will never forget the time I came over during one of our "break ups", you were dating that one girl and she ended up stopping by while I was still over there. You didn't want her knowing I was there so you went and talked to her in the yard. Watching you kiss you, I don't think that imagine will ever go away. Yeah, that was painful. You're controlling, there was always SOMETHING wrong them. Or my family, you and my mom couldn't stand each other. I swear, you would always find something to argue about. I love you, but you were so annoying sometimes. You broke up with me every two weeks, literally. I can't believe I still have enough tears to cry over you. But its okay, I'll be over you eventually.

My ex was messaging me on facebook while I was typing this. Lol.

June 20, 2013

hey it's been 50 days since we last talk. Even if we were only friends, you know I had other feelings for you. I miss you a lot, and I doubt you do so. I need you back in my life, I don't want to spend the whole summer alone. Let's go back to where we were ; only as friends. I love you <3

June 20, 2013

I am crippled by this lonliness.

I am so, so so lonley.

You were my best friend, my lover, my agony aunt, my teacher, my student and the love of my life.

I miss you so much, and I cannot accept the fact that you are relishing another girl with your love. It hurts so much that I don't even know how I get through the day sometimes. Then I sit and torture myself, I imagine you touching her the way you touched me, making love to her the way you made love to me, standing behind her and holding her waist while she taught you to cook like we used to do.

I cannot even breathe properly through my tears. I never thought I could feel pain like this, and i'm a person who has to deal with chronic nerve damage in my back every day.

It has been 8 months. And you are still on my tongue whenever I talk. You are still in my dreams whenever I sleep. You are still the first thing in my mind when I awake and the last thing before I close my eyes.

You don't know any of this. I might only have a shrivel of dignity left after continuing to sleep with you throughout these past 8 months and therefore digging my own grave, but I am holding on to that morsel. You can't take that away from me.

I miss you so much babe. I am so sorry I took you and your love for granted.

June 20, 2013

I miss you like hell today. I just want to be in your strong arms and be sure you'll never let go x I will always love you, Baby.

June 21, 2013

You know what bothers me the most R. The way you just lied to my face about those mean statuses not being about me. Shame on you honestly. Try to make me look like a bad guy. Best you'll never have honestly

June 21, 2013

I want tea and you.

I wish you had manned up and been there tonight. Or I wish you hadn't said anything last night.

I can't keep wishing. I want to tell you I am going to change my phone number tomorrow... But... Maybe if I don't... You either won't notice, or, you will, and you will get a glimpse of the hurt that you have caused me.

HOW DARE you say that it would be too painful to see my tonight. HOW DARE YOU. Do you know who you are? Do you have any concept of what you did to me?

After everything you have done... You could at least given me a hug goodbye. That is all I have asked you for.

I want to tell you I am sorry that I won't be there for you anymore. I know, eventually, you are going to come back. I do. But I won't be there. I don't think ever again. Truly... I feel like crap right now... I guess my best chance for recovery... Is never seeing you again, never talking to you again... I would love- LOVE- to pretend that you never existed. But you will be in my heart forever.

And, no matter how scared or drunk or lonely you get, I will always be in some other part of the world, and I will always love you.

June 21, 2013

I feel lame.

But I'm making progress.

16 days since she found enough.

15 days since your melt down.

15 nights since you said we are done.

13 days since you called me by that sweet endearment for the first and last time ever.

13 days since I closed our shared accounts except 1.

12 days since you popped up to "check" on things but reiterate what you have to do...but let me know your email is open to me. (??)

11 days since you called me to reiterate again. (??)

10 days since you called to ask me about rumors and say bye but you are leaving a door open, altho regurgitating the same ending again.

Last day I heard from you.

6 days since I had a moment of weakness and sent you a "Hi" with no reply.

2 days since I changed your name in my contacts and threw away a ton of stuff.

Today I deleted you from my contacts.

I didn't think I would ever do that.

Now, I will erase a few more things including all these notes- I won't read them ever again but must say reading them has put things into a different perspective and I have seen traits in you that I overlooked in the past.

Tomorrow my goal is to delete our last shared account.

I saw you accessed it.

I get stronger every day, even when I don't feel like it.

I'm not even sure now if I would want you back.

June 21, 2013

I wanted to email you again this morning- I know I said it all last night. I wish I could be proud of myself but I just feel nauseous.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I was scared. I was thinking of you. I was scared I would forget your voice so I kept replaying it in my head. I am... So exhausted.

I am so, so exhausted... To be honest, I want to die. It's not because of you alone- but really, our relationship represented so much hope for me and that died along with a lot of other things all around the same time. I really feel no hope- I don't wish to be told it will get better, I worked on a suicide hotline, I know that's not necessarily true.

Call me needy for wanting to be taken care of- but that is something I have never had, even with my own parents. When I could walk, I was basically on my own.

So, I know better than to think of harming myself... I do not want to kill myself, but at this moment, I do want to die.

I am so tired. So tired of fighting and dreading every day and praying for sleep because everything else hurts. Even sleep hurts, but it does least of all other things.

June 21, 2013

Why do you have to keep bringing up my name or talking about me to acquaintances? I can't and don't want to even bring up your name because it would mean you exist, and in my mind you don't. I have to do this to heal, to cope, and to stop hurting. The only time I feel you exist is when someone talks about you, which sets me back.

If you felt anything for me, you wouldn't want to hear my name, much less talk about me. That just proves you don't care and how easy it is for you to talk about someone who disappeared from your life 1.5 years ago.

I guess I still love you so much and still hurt so much that I don't want to hear your name. You feel so indifferent to me that it is so easy to bring it up. I'd rather you just forget about me. It almost feels like you are rubbing my nose in the fact you can talk about me and it doesn't hurt you.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Frank13

June 21, 2013

I sent this yesterday even though I shouldn't have. I have been reading this blog for about 3 months now and my ex-boyfriend and I have been broke up for 6 months. I went no contact on month 3 for a little over 2 months and since then I have sent him a few texts out of stupidity. He hasn't even answered once in 6 months.....whatever......So, finally I joined the community so I will write here instead of sending him a text. I just don't understand how a person who has loved you for 6 months, loves you like crazy on a Saturday and then just shuts down the next day forever... Really????

Even though the day we met was 6.21 which is tomorrow, today is the weekday we met a year ago. It was a Thursday, 6.21. I had no idea that I was going to meet someone that I would love for the rest of my life. But I do and I miss u so much. I'm sorry I got so mad and confronted you like I did. If I could do it over, I would have handled it way better. I miss the passion we had for eachother. Last night I was thinking about the time I came over in only high heels and my cardinals shirt. Off the charts! Lately, because of summer, I have had so many memories popping up in my thoughts, it's been hard to contain. Anyway, I will not bug u anymore. Sure wish I could go back to this day last year and do things way differently. But you're a man and if u wanted to contact me u would. I get that. I love u....

June 22, 2013

:*( I should not have come here tonight. I've been in tears since late this afternoon and then came here and started reading and it all just ticked me off. Hate that and its my own fault. I should know better.

June 22, 2013

You're so fake. Everything you've become is so fake. I can't wait for you to wake up and realize you're completely alone.

June 22, 2013

For better, for worse..

Doesnt mean crap to you!!

Your a QUITTER!

June 22, 2013

I HATE YOU for causing me so much pain while i have my all into us.

Sign In

Post here instead of contacting your ex!

Recommended Posts

Hopeinme

SimonSerenade

NoMoreJerks

LifeGoesOnMan

lop98

avelonia2013

avelonia2013

targaryen

tryingbutstruggling

SimonSerenade

hidden_ua

emilybugg

sadaggouri

Gingerlee

Hopeinme

maturityassets

swimswithjeans

ChasingCars

swimswithjeans

Frank13

tmh0801

avelonia2013

iouaname

hayewils

Hopeinme

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...