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June 16, 2013

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep again and not dream of you, it's killing me, I miss you being by my side, I miss our phone calls at night, there all I looked forward to throughout my day, so many simple things I took for granted.

I'm sorry, there are so many things I wish I did differently, I just wish I had more time with you to get them right, near the end I truly tried to make you happy, I saw how I talked to you at times, I treated your like an inferior idiot, i talked down to you, I was the idiot, all along, you don't talk to someone you love like that, I truly regretted that, I drove you crazy with jealousy because I just den feel I matched up to others around you, the past shouldn't of come into it, I wanted so much to be your first for everything, I didn't accept it and enjoy it now Theres every chance someone will have you in those ways in the future, that breaks my heart.

I did a lot right and I tried to treat you right and I was proud of that, so proud that i neglected other things i didn't do right and I'm ashamed to admit that, I hope you saw that I really tried in the end, even if it was too late.

I hope one day you move out of this town and find somewhere you feel you belong, I hope you find your happiness, I'm sorry I couldn't give you that and share and embrace it with you, the funny thing is, the houses I was looking at where in Sheffield, you always spoke so highly of the place and so fondly of the happy memories you had there, I wanted to be in the memories you had there in the future, I just wanted to do something that made you happy.

I wish you could of held in there so I could of given you that, I wanted so much to give you a better life, what better way than living in the place you love so much and with the person you loved so much, all I ever wanted was to make you happy, I would of loved to see your face light up that day.

I felt it was the only way to truly make all this up to you, when I said I wanted the fresh start we deserved, I meant it, I wanted so much for you to make your new Facebook account so you could set your location to Sheffield, when I was looking at houses I found a beauty at a good price and providing you wanted the move I was ready to arrange a viewing and put the deposit down right there and then, I'm so sad I couldn't give you that, believe it or not I like the house I'm in, it would of been nice to live with you shortly in it and create some amazing memories to take away from it with you before we started our new life.

Now I have to accept those plans are over, those dreams have evaporated in to thin air, that life isn't an option anymore, now I'm stuck in the same town as you hopelessly trying to avoid running in to you, it's just so sad which is why I've decided to go ahead with the move without you, it's gonna be hard leaving this town but if I don't do it now I never will, truth is I like Sheffield, it's got a great history and it's beautiful and when I look at the train services, I'm sold on it, it's going to be a reminder of you that's for sure but when I think about it, it's a good reminder because its the place you grew up happily.

First thing Monday morning my life is going to change, I miss you and I love you so much, it's over for good and I wish you all the best, I only hope you look back on me from time to time and smile, I'm not going to think about you anymore, the pain is just too much to bare, I need this fresh start with or without you, I realise that and for once I'm going to do something for me, nobly deserves that more right now.

I love you, you'll always be my miss atomic bomb time now to move on and think only of the good things in life, you'll always be the one that got away, I'm sorry that I ever hurt you and I'm sorry I couldn't make this work for you, I tried my best and I tried to right my wrongs, as a human I couldn't do any more than that for you and even though I couldn't put my plan into action for you, the intent was still there, I just wish you held on long enough.

As your fiancé and the man you loved and trust I will never want to stop bettering your life, you deserved the best, I wish you could of believed in me to do that for you.

June 16, 2013

only had to look through photos of you for about two minutes before i started bawling. i miss you so much it's unreal. i always look at my phone, hoping you've texted me. i can't believe i used to get so annoyed, you'd always leave me little love notes around the house and text me and get so stroppy when i didn't reply.

i guess you don't know what you got till it's gone.

June 16, 2013

I laugh now when I remember what you-know-who's girlfriend said about you behind your back after the second time she met you. At the time I thought it was a little harsh, but it turns out she knew you better than anyone else did!

June 16, 2013

I hope you never do this to a woman again. I wish you well and I hope you find true love someday.

June 16, 2013

I could of swore I saw you today, sitting on a bench in the arms of another, maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me, I see you everywhere since you've been gone, still tore me up a bit inside but if it was you then fair enough, it's your life and I'm not apart of it anymore, I just wish if you did leave me for another you would of respected me enough to tell me so I never had the pain of finding out for myself.

Either way it doesn't matter, your done, I'm done, you'll never have a chance to hurt me or treat me bad again, simple as that.

June 16, 2013

You called again yesterday you said you were thinking about good times we had together we talked about your work i made you laugh i thought you were thinking about us again that you were single again... until i just logged into ****in fb you are officially in a relationship...are you stupid? are you a slut? what the **** are you?Thank god my fridge is full of beers. I hope the next time you call i will find the balls to tell you tio finally **** off

June 16, 2013

i just want to call you right now and scream **** you. You have killed everything that was good inside me, you really have ****ed me up, how can you behave like this? you know that i love you more than anything. You said you love me but you are with someone else i cant believe that im in love not stupid. I wish some day you ll understand what you have done to me. everyday for me its a stub in the heart i die everyday only to wake up alive the next day and this goes on for so long. i dont know what else to do, i cant gain any weight i smoke a pack a day i drink to fight anxiety trying to avoid pills. YOU have ****ed me up stupid little bitch you dont know what love is

June 16, 2013

To the past even though I said "that door" is closed. I still can't believe someone would make it their mission to try and mess with a person's life like that. What would possess someone to do that? It's disgusting. Once I picked up on it, it became abundantly clear who was behind it. I never even vented about that relationship. I thought the attacks were coming from someone else and his friends and it was you all along!

Wow, if that doesn't clue one in I don't know what will. You are nothing but a manipulative POS who always has some excuse as to why everyone else is wrong and you're right. You're not the "innocent" victim you portray yourself to be. You don't think I see the lies you are telling about me. If it makes you feel better about yourself to make me out to be a horrible witch then go right ahead. It doesn't matter to me because I know the truth and so do the people who know me. It must be tough not having your "emotional whipping post" around to dump your garbage on anymore. Sure, you were generous, but that came with a heavy price and I more than paid for it. That was my fault for allowing it and I accept responsibility for my part whole heartedly.

You have no idea how many prayers I said night and day asking for "heavenly" help to assist you through all of the difficulties you were facing. After a while I started noticing a pattern and the problems just kept right on coming. It was one right after another and NONE of them had to do with me at all. I eventually realized it was just how you are and that's fine. It's your life to live any way you choose. I chose to not be a part of it anymore and that was my right. This recent revelation of mine made me realize that I allowed you to continue to use me as your emotional dumping ground online long after it was over. That is abundantly clear! Not anymore though. Those days are oooover!

I don't wish you any harm and I hope that one day you will seek the help you need. Managing your issues with medication without proper supervision doesn't work. You are not smarter than a therapist. I think you are/were just afraid that they will see right through the charade and call you out on it. And God forbid someone other than yourself calls you out on your shyte.

You can blame me all you want and say I handled things badly in the end and that's fine too. I accept responsibility for not handling things properly in the end the first time around about seven years ago and for that I apologize. I faced those issues on my own and corrected them on my own. It was wrong of me to keep you in my life like that instead of just telling you how I really felt and ending it with a clean break. That was wrong and I admit it. For that I'm sorry. I learned from it and was totally honest with you the second time. I really tried to give it a shot, a second chance, but realized my feelings had changed and I couldn't stay out of guilt. I think it is unfair when people keep a bf/gf/spouse in their life when they can't give them the love they deserve. It's not right and it's disrespectful to do that to someone. Everyone deserves to find someone who will love them the way they deserve to be loved and if you haven't found that already, I hope you do someday soon.

When a relationship ends it doesn't mean either person is bad; it just means they aren't right for each other. It's okay to feel the anger and all of the other feelings associated with grieving the loss, but just don't stay stuck there. Feel them and then let them go, so you can make room for a person that is a right fit and who will enhance your life in a very meaningful way. Everyone deserves that.

I guess I needed to get this out once and for all. This vent has helped me find closure that I didn't realize I even needed. I was angry when I first started typing it and as it flowed out it brought me to a place of forgiveness. I forgive myself and I forgive you and wish you peace. I truly mean that.

I will say goodbye with a piece of wisdom I received recently. Someone told me the other day that when people say or do things to intentionally hurt someone it is because they are in pain; it's coming from a place of hurt. I was told to face my feelings of anger about it, process them, so I could begin viewing the situation with compassion and understanding. I see now that they were right. I get it! At first I felt bad for saying my piece from a place of anger, but it needed to be said. The truth hurts sometimes. I have sat silent while others have had their say and it was my turn to have mine. As hurtful as it may have been to hear it needed to be said to bring closure. I can honestly say that this is the first time I've felt a true sense of closure.

June 16, 2013

I realize that I am co dependent so it wasn't completely your fault that I was your doormat. Although I miss my fantasy of who I wanted you to be, it hurts that you never reciprocated anything I did for you and barely acknowledged all I had done. At least you did say thank you, I am unsure if you meant it or not but that doesn't matter to me now. I am unsure why I still care about you. After spending a year giving you my body, mind, emotions, and love you left me on valentines day, you left me when I needed you to help me move, you turned your back on me in order to protect your ridiculous reputation and you slept with several women in spite of me giving you whatever you wanted or needed from me. I knew you are a womanizer, yet I tried to change you anyway hoping my love would cause you to change. Instead it only changed me and I became bitter and clouded from the person you really are. I always think I am not pretty enough or the person that fits your image, yet I was the one who was always there to support you and care about you. I even asked you several times over the year to go our separate ways if you didn't want a relationship with me in a committed way, and it caused NC on at least 3 occasions. If you didn't want me or love me why did you keep me around? We're you really that selfish? Did you care so less about my feelings and emotions or what it did to me? You accepted expensive gifts from me and you haven't offered one time to pay me back. I don't care about the money, I care to know that you cared and if not as a committed relationship at least as my friend. I am sad but still keep going hoping you soon become a distant memory.

June 16, 2013

i am the master of self torture. going through our photos, there was one of us with our noses pushed togther and then the next one was us with lopsided tongues and cross eyed. i loved how silly and wonderful and happy our realtionship was.

i can't get over the fact you're doing that with someone else now. it is killing me.

June 16, 2013

i am the master of self torture. going through our photos, there was one of us with our noses pushed togther and then the next one was us with lopsided tongues and cross eyed. i loved how silly and wonderful and happy our realtionship was.

i can't get over the fact you're doing that with someone else now. it is killing me.

I feel you here, when I thought I saw my ex before leaning on someone else, it was horrible, had me thinking back to all the times she put her head on my chest and I'd kiss her forehead, we could sit in silence for hours in that position, are to believe they could give up and walk away from all of that.

June 16, 2013

My heart is true, girl its just you I'm thinking of, can it be the way it was?

June 17, 2013

I feel so lonely right now, I wish I had a shoulder to lean on

Edited June 17, 2013 by SimonSerenade

June 17, 2013

I hate him. For the person that he is, and for all that he has done to me.

Yeah, sure, he was a "nice guy". But that's just about it. He was very insensitive, and I doubt he's changed one bit. He could "talk the talk", but couldn't "walk the walk", in terms of validating my overall worth in his eyes.

He's extremely judgmental and naive. He fallaciously categorizes and stereotypes every concept into a little box, leaving almost no room for further thought. He keeps fooling himself; he watches how cheesy TV sitcoms portray life, and somehow attempts to make what he sees work in reality. And then he gets upset when it doesn't work. He wants everything to be SO damn simple, as to ignore the larger problems at hand, or try so hard to "fit in" with what the norm expects of him, regarding not just relationships, but career goals, social injustice, etc.

Most importantly, he has managed to make me feel even more worthless in the long run. No matter how much he tries to say that he's going through difficulties after the breakup because of ME, the fact still stands: he will have a MUCH easier time getting over it than myself. Because HE'S not the one dealing with the depression I've been battling for the last 8 years, HE'S not the one lacking a stable support system, and HE'S not the one who's ever had to feel second best because their partner had an "ideal-looking" mate or fetish in mind.

(And besides, HE'S the one attempting to date other girls now, and trying to replace me, so what's he complaining about?

Obviously, he's already written me off his mind and heart, and treating me like I'm insignificant. And do you know what I would say in response to that? I'll tell you: that our 10-month relationship was nothing but a waste, and that I wish I had never went through with it in the first place. Not only that, I wish I could erase all traces of his existence from my memory.)

He tried to be my "therapist", and failed, but you know what? I never ASKED him to be my "therapist" in the first place. Why couldn't he have just supported me instead of, unfairly, determining his own worth by how much he could "fix" me? He never had to undertake my emotional burdens as his own. Is he going to continue blaming ME for that? OH HOH HOH, no.

(Hey, if he wants to keep invalidating my problems and pain at present, and keep pretending that he's the mightier, more sane person, then I'll have no qualms about invalidating everything that he has experienced with me. Besides, if he really is who I think he is now, then he's not worth expressing sympathies over.)

Little does he realize what an overall sh*tty person he really is: unintelligent, immature, nit-picky, and blissfully ignorant of so many things. I hope that if I see him on the street someday, I'll have the dignity to keep on walking.

Edited June 17, 2013 by SingOutLoud

June 17, 2013

I don't know what's wrong with you, I give up trying to understand anymore, the last few months have been so hard, I've been so ill, depressed and desperate, I really needed you by my side to help me through it, now I find myself having to deal with this too, still all I asked of you is that you put my mind at rest over a few things, was that too much to ask?, just a messily hour of your time to really sit down and talk and understand all of this, it's hard knowing I wasn't worth that to you.

Maybe you saw my expectations as high but all I asked for was that you were always honest, loyal and considerate towards me, I didn't want anything else, what's so wrong with that?, whatever, now I'll never know and whatever I'm thinking I have to think the best of you just to get through the day, it's so hard to think the best of you when you can just cut me off like that.

My life is a living hell right now and I just don't want to be here anymore, I've always been such a loving considerate nice guy yet the universe tells me this is what I somehow deserve.

I think you have problems and you know you have problems, I wish you'd admit that to yourself and get some help, your random moods and depression, your rash decisions and now, your complete and total lack of any empathy.

I once believed you could never hurt me, I believed that with all my heart, I don't know what or even how to believe in anything anymore, I just feel so worthless and pathetic, I used to believe there was a god and that gave me the faith I needed at hard times to carry on, I'm not sure he exists anymore, you were probably right, it was just a crock.

I can't shake the feeling that you left me for someone else or even started something up before you left me, i hate thinking that of you because the person i knew couldnt have it in her heart to do that but I don't know who that person is anymore because the person I knew wouldnt put me through any of this either.

I'm done thinking about it, I just can't do it anymore, it's too much, I don't want to think of you as a bad person but that's exactly what you are right now, a manipulative lying heartless person, I'm done, over and out.

June 17, 2013

You told me once that at the end of this, after it had passed awhile, it would seem as a dream.

You were wrong.

It's more real now than ever before.

June 17, 2013

you always promised that no matter what happened between us we would always be best friends and see each other, but then you told me that nothing was ever going to happen because you would be my husband one day.

i can't stop crying, it's been nearly 9 months and i still feel as worthless, disgusting and hideous as i did the day you dumped me for her.

three years, three years i spent with you, and i did nothing but love you. i wasn't a saint, i started arguments over stupid stuff, but i loved you like i had never loved anyone or anything before.

i hate that you have this hold over me.

i want the pain to stop. i am in so much pain 24/7, and now i have the emotional pain of losing you, and knowing that you are swanning around with someone else. i know i was a sickly girl, i've been referred back to hospital in 3 weeks and you couldn't give a rats ass. you don't care in the slightest. you don't ever ask how im doing or how i'm feeling. you used to care SO much, you always took it upon yourself to look after me, bring me gifts and flowers and go to the shops just to buy my favorite chocolate.

i can't do this for much longer, i don't know what else i can do.

June 17, 2013

I hate this, I don't know how anyone can just walk away like they meant nothing to you, I think that's what i struggle with the most.

June 17, 2013

I heard things are going bad for you...very bad. I feel like you deserve all the bad things that happened to you, but I could be wrong. Nobody asks to be born without a conscience. I know that. I guess life must be hard, to have to exist among humans and have no conscience...to be incapable for feeling remorse.

June 17, 2013

I'm abandoning this website now, it's doing me no good, I can't keep thinking and talking about you anymore, talking about being broken up and how much you've hurt me, it hurts too much and I feel bad for talking about you like that, if you ever saw that you'd be ashamed and I'm sorry, I find I just can't be true to myself anymore and I'm expected to be strong, I'm not going to pretend I'm someone I'm not anymore, I am who I am and I have to live with that.

The truth is I love you and I'm sorry for everything bad I ever said or did, I had a lot of issues and I asked you to do things I shouldn't of asked you to do, I took you for granted and I lost you because you just couldn't take it anymore, I realise now I drove you away and I was the selfish one all along.

I'm so sorry, I'm paying the ultimate price now, I hope somewhere deep down you can forgive me and I hope deep down you still love me.

As soon as my tenancy agreement runs up I'll be out of this town, what I truly hope for is that'll you come back and be happy with me and start fresh with me, being without you just like any time before is too painful and I hope one day you'll feel the same, so if you ever see this, please find it in your heart to give us another shot.

Every time I look at you it hurts, I want so much to be able to look a you and be in love again, goodbye my darling.

June 17, 2013

Im in tears ... So much i had to go to my car.... **** (can i say ****) this is me! What have i done to my self. You read my mind. I seriously thought i was going crazy. I did all these things and more. I hid it all too. I tried to continue to be this strong woman, pitied and judged many women who found them selves in situations like this. And now here i am striped of my self-esteem sad lonely and feeling lower than dirt. Happy to get the crumbs he thru ... I tried to get out but he new how to play me. How could i of all people be so stupid as to fall in love with someone else man. I cant even take pride and say i called it off he dumped me cause he saw me out on a date with another guy.... Just a friend but of course he didn't believe me. I begged and pleaded but to no avail van u believe that i suck ill never be the same ill never trust my self again

June 18, 2013

I saw pictures of you and her today. I know it's been a long time since you and her broke up, but seeing you and her in pictures, when you kept me hidden from everyone in your life...it just stings too much. I know you had an agenda with her. It's what sociopaths do. Still, why did your agenda include you welcoming her into your life, which your agenda with me included you pushing me away all the time? I thought you had walls up. You didn't. You just did what you needed to do to put me in a box and keep me as the rebound girl.

I know you have a terrible life that has included several bouts of homelessness. I know it's so awful to be born without a conscience. I do get that. I know you have suffered mentally. But still I have a hard time accepting what you did to me.

June 18, 2013

Dear You,

I'm irritated at you and myself.

I gave you way too much control and power and you still are dictating over my actions when really I should do what I want to do and not give 2 cares about what you want.

What the heck difference does it make now, YOUR NOT EVEN AROUND?!

GRRRRRRRRRR

June 18, 2013

Today I have an ache for you and I miss what we shared.

I feel like I have a burn that needs soothing but there's no balm for this, just have to wait for it to continue to run it's course.

Nothing good comes out of contacting you even if you respond.

It's a dead end and you no longer walk towards me or even with me.

You dropped my hand and I can't keep reaching for yours, it leaves me with empty space grasping at air.

I haven't been able to completely delete you from my phone yet but I did change your name so it's less of a trigger.

You are fading...slowly.

I can see a light at the end now but it is just still so far away.

June 18, 2013

It's been rough....that's the best way to explain it. I'm use to seeing you, talking to you everyday for 4 years. Now I haven't seen you or had a real conversation with you in 4 months.

I'll probably never be able to make sense of it all, I'll probably never get the answers I want. This guy you're with, it makes me physically ill. I just can't understand why you would say one thing and do another, why you would lie. You said you wanted time being single to figure yourself out, but you were with this guy all along.

I wish I could stop loving you

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