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Posted

Ugh...had so much to say and just can't so I won't. Time heals and the right answers will reveal themselves eventually.

Posted (edited)

Okay, this is what I see in this game and I'm not sure which one it is.

 

1. Someone in your life is stalking me to see where my heads at so they can manipulate the situation and try to win you

 

2. Or, it's you and you want to see where my heads at, so you know whether or not you can continue with the relationship as it is - "status quo"

 

3. Or, it's someone from my life who has a grudge and wants to "punish" me

 

4. Or, you have good intentions and are waiting for me to accomplish something before you reveal the truth and show me that you are in deed the person I fell in love with

 

I want to believe it is something positive, but it's so hard due to how it all played out. And since I'm not sure what the answer is at the moment I am going to focus on my goals and if there is any answer at all, it will reveal itself, on it's own in time, without any interference from me.

 

Oh, and PS - I'm not going to be looking for them anymore. That part is done.

Edited by avelonia2013
Posted

It still makes me angry that you can hurt someone so badly, and then not give a sh*t. Admittedly I did boot you out of my life after you chose him over me but I get strange thoughts that you should be coming to contact me, when the only way you can is if you came to my house. But I don't want you back, or even consider it, you're a cheating wh*re.

 

I just wonder, what on earth was on your mind? I can tell you, if I had just found out about family bereavement, I'd be going to my significant other for support and be eternally grateful that she is there for me, I'd love her so much more and realize what a keeper she is! I wouldn't do a you which is be "so grateful" that you cheat on me with some manipulating c*nt and leave me for him when I go away for the weekend!

Posted

If you think I left because of someone else you are wrong. Sure, I've made some new friends, but I am only excited about the projects not the people other than above board friendship. When I feel someone has blurred boundares they get contact informaton for my therapist...ha! I know how to maintain professional boundaries.

Posted

I'm dying to hear your voice your laugh see your smile.... I miss you ... you texted me last night and I didnt reply it woulda set me back and I know this is right for the both of us... This break up has been really hard on me 9 days no contact and I've been able to mull over hat we had... I know I've made mistakes and I've learned alot to what and what not bring into my next... I love you deeply wish I was with you right now acting a fool and eating your grannies cooking .....

 

 

Love you wish we could be friends but right now I need the time and space to heal.....!!!

Posted

OH how I Miss you.

 

It is SO weird waking up without ANY text from you!

 

I can feel that you see NC is for the best though, as much as you must miss having your silly girl around.

 

I can feel it; I can feel that you can see how NC is for ME to heal.

 

You KNOW I want you back, yet cos you cannot give that to me, I can now see that YOU can see NC is ideal.

 

I can feel that you agree with NC at last and have left me alone to move on.

 

Oh bubba I miss you I miss hugging at night in bed.

 

I really want this hole gone but I guess this break up is for the best since you obviously never loved me enough.. you proved that by leaving.

 

Hope you had a nice weekend. I wonder if you went out last night.

 

I know for a fact if you went out to a club, you would have kissed and hooked up with a girl for the first time since me.

 

I wonder what it was like? Did you feel weird that it was not me?

 

I guess you just see that well, I do not want to be with Leigh 87, therefore I should move on and enjoy the hookup. I am sure you enjoyed it even though it was a tad diffderent and weird

 

I gotta stop giving myself credit though; you LEFT cos you did not love me enough to be with me. Although you never said that it is true.

 

Therefore you prob did not think much of the hook up; besides " hmm it eas fun. Leigh 87 would be devastated but oh well I Don't want her anymore and I gota move on"\

 

REALITY: the dumper left us and they are getting on with their lives. THey are not pining for us, or they would not have left or they would have come back.

 

I am moving on to, and you die a little more in my heart each day.

 

I Never thought you would leave.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

For a second, I thought I caught a hint of your scent. Your aftershave, your cologne... it was in the air around me, even though you're nowhere close to me. Goddamnit, I miss you and I'm obsessing over you again.

 

I almost want to ask you if you have had any crushes since we last spoke. On random girls that you've met, on friends, on coworkers, classmates.... yet at the same time, I am frightened to find out. I am frightened to know that you are thinking of and are actively pursuing other girls, MORE so than before, besides me, and that... I'm barely in your thoughts anymore.

 

Sometimes, when I'm sitting by myself for a while, I check my phone. In the back of my mind, I am desperately pining for a text, a missed call, or a voicemail from you. I sure as hell can't contact you first, especially now, because I'll only make things more emotionally distraught. But the rational part of me knows that there's a 99.99% chance that it WON'T happen. That we won't come back to each other, that you will never want me the same way you wanted me before.

 

If you read this, you'd probably laugh at me, thinking how desperately pathetic I must sound and how you're glad that you got your life back together post breakup. And I wouldn't blame you. But the sad truth is, I still miss you. I wish I could just wave a magic wand, dear.... I wish that I wasn't as screwed up mentally as I am. I wish that I could be deserving of some love, and that I could give some of that love back, and we would just be happy. It's really, really not fair. Why did you have to move on... and I stay behind in the burnt remnants of our relationship. I wish that dreams were a reality, or that I could wake up and smell the harsh reality instead and learn to deal with it. Why, X.X., why..... why us? I think about you so much...you have no idea... I write about you in my diary....OH MY goodness I'm so goddamn desperate and whiny that I just want to punch myself.

 

If only one cup of shared, sweet Taro bubble tea could fix everything. If only there was such a thing as magic to wipe away my tears without wishing you'd be the one to do it. If only.... I didn't feel like I needed you anymore, just as you do feel with me. I love you so much...but that love can only go so far in my condition, bitterness, selfishness, and unfixed issues.....Oh, X.X. I'm sick and I don't want to be sick anymore. I want an easy antidote...other than you...

 

(I am feeling so goddamn desperate, heartbroken, and sick that I don't care if this post looks terrible from a structural standpoint. Ugh. Curse you, X.X. Curse the power you still wield over me, like a drug addiction for this lost lover's soul. Curse us, and most importantly, curse ME for not making it work the way we wanted it to. Curse me for still loving you and only doing the bare minimum to make myself feel good. And once again, curse reality for not readily accepting my needs and wants, and for making me work for it instead of merely thinking about them... I hate all of YOU. You were also supposed to take my virginity....but now that is a goal that has been left behind in the ashes, like I've said before. We dumped each other....we both agree to break it off, for the same reasons...yet I'm the only one still wishing that everything would go the way I wanted it to go! with you, with me, with us. I wish that you would love me and only me, and not have to desire other girls....sigh, but that a thing that you and I both can't control. I guess i just have to...ughh.... you were my blanket of comfort...I'm not making sense anymore....X.X.!!!!!)

Edited by SingOutLoud
Posted

And why, why did that text message just now have to be from my MOM instead of you? I know what you're thinking right now. "God, she really needs some friends." And yeah, I do. But only if I could somehow be cut up enough for people to see the real me.

 

Must. Stop. Needing. You. You've been through this before, especially at the beginning of our relationship, and now you're done. We're not in ****ing sync, and it makes me mad and irrational. So mad and irrational, that I want to do something crazy and imaginable.

Posted

I miss you and I wish we coulda worked through our issues.... I can't eat sleep all I think about is you .... The min I think I'm getting over it is the min something stands out an reminds me of you.... Wooo sah!

Posted

UGH I am silly and texted you today.

 

I was doing badly in my life when I was with you, and I just wanted to let you know that I am OKAY - I finally have work with a nice family that live a minute drive away from me! Looking after a super cute kid that likes me!

 

I texted u cos you used to think it was cute when I was scared of spiders, or "pidies" as we used to call them LOL......

 

I mentioned I was being brave when I was raking leaves and I did not even carry on or be too careful like I was with u.

..................

 

 

You have ignored me. Even though YOUR the one who took ages to accept NC, I sense that you now think I tis for the best.

 

Because your not in love with me and know you cannot offer me a relationship again.

 

You can obviously see that it is easier to get over the residual feelings you have for me, if you do not engage with me again.

 

I understand.

 

IRONIC since YOU were the one who wanted to keep texting.

 

.....................................

 

I am glad you are not reaching out since I asked you to NOT contact me unless you realised you wanted me back.

 

I will respect your goal of moving on from me now.

 

.........................................

 

Goodbye my boy, I will never forget how close we were.

 

I miss our time but I do not feel too phased about moving on.

 

..........................................

 

I went for a walk/jog and I look really thin lol. I have lost so much weigh since you.

 

You braking my heart has made me view food entirely differently. I was not fulfilled in any area of my life when I was with u, cos I depended too much on you for my joy.

 

Now, I am not even that into food. I would eat cos I was not working and building my life up. FOod and YOU were the only things I really bothered with.

 

Thanks for giving me the kick start I needed to get fit.

 

I AM NOT starving myself, don't worry! I am literally just not over eating, eating cos I Am bored, and exercising a little more.

 

Nothing hectic.

....................................................

 

 

Anyway, I hope if you have hooked up that he chick was not that special and ... you know.

 

I hope you do not find the love of your life anytime soon. At least until I am over you a lot more.

 

...........................................................

 

I would like to think you truly did love me dearly enough to not just replace me with someone you realise you love more than me.

....

 

 

NC is designed so I will never know though. And I am okay with that. I won't care in time.

Posted

I wish we could have worked things out in the end.

 

I loved you enough; I Do not believe you loved me enough though. And maybe you never did.

 

I did feel so much love from you though.

 

I am looking forward to finding love again, and enjoying being single and hooking up with new and exciting guys in the meanwhile.

 

I AM looking forward to that day when I fall that in love with a guy again.

 

The thing I am most looking forward to is finding the guy that will love me as much as I love them.

 

Wow I still cannot believe we are over forever.

Posted

After the last fight, I was angry, I cried, and questioned my self - why does he always leave, why does he think am no good for him, why didn't he believe in our love - wasn't i trust worthy? was i just a time pass that he doesn't want anything serious with me? did i overact and scared him with my emotions? Although I pretended everything is fine cus i was really hurt, and frustrated, However Hope was still there, and I had thought you would comeback, like you did before..untill your friend followed me on tw, only then I felt something is different this time.. he is gone, I lost him. I stalked you, and I saw your wedding invitation - I was stabbed in the heart, it was the most painful moment i have ever experienced in my life ( worse than all the tragedies that happened to me when i was too young ).. I lost direction, lost faith in life, lost control on my emotions ( I was never this pathetic ) and am not trying to shift blame on you, and appear as the victim. No, I f***** up I should have been more honest with you, even if that means you would leave, atleast you wouldn't be hurt, i wouldn't have lost my self-respect, and made it clear that am trust worthy !!!!

 

I know, I should have known better, I should have respect your privacy, your decision..

 

You probably think i was sexually abused...I wasn't. My father didn't harm me physically. But he was ruthless to the core....

 

On the other hand, You were everything i wanted in a man. A lover, a friend, and a father. I saw a 'daddy' in you & I repeatedly told you that your kids will be lucky...If i only get re-born again, I want to be one of your kids, though am not sure you would be happy to have me as your daughter...

 

I fully accept my responsibility- I won't cause you troubles anymore. I will get out of her. I promise you...

Posted

Wow this thread is fcked up.

 

So much sadness and pain here.

 

I don't like it.

 

In any case - I already feel urges to talk to you, cos well, ya know.. We WERE in contact every single day of our relationship.

 

I have to tell myself that it is just breaking a habit.

 

Sorry I broke no contact today. I flipped out and was convinced you were off with other girls already.

 

I need to act like your dead, sorry Andrew. It sounds severe, I even though it was heartless initially.

 

I need to honestly not indulge in memories or our past, even though you were the best thing that has ever happened to me! I changed for the better with you yet I did not change enough in the end.

 

Neither did you.

 

I miss you my boy you will always be in my heart, but I have to kill you for now!

 

............................

 

Here is why I have to kill you (metaphorically!)

 

- today I freaked out at the thought of you driving a new chick around in your car as you once did with me.

 

- it kills me to think about you moving on already

 

- I know that, due to the fact we had a pretty solid love and close relationship that was loved up: your not likely to replace me right away.

 

-however I have to kill you off now, as it CANNOT BE MY CONCERN, even if the very worst happens, and you DO move on right away with a hotter girl who you are so much more into than me!

 

....................

 

The worst case scenarios do not normally play out of course, when a guy is truly invested in you. However, I CANNOT make it my concern, even if THE VERY WORST happens.

 

Goodbye gorgeous boy.

 

This is the most that I have ever missed a person.

 

Shame your going to be dead to me.

 

I will really have to suck it up and kill you.

Posted

i am having a hard day today. i have dreamed about you for the past two nights. i miss you very very much. you were so incredibly dear to me -- just the nicest, most sophisticated, must sensitive, most intriguing, most delicious man. i wish we had never dated. i would have so preferred to get as close to you as possible as friends and then just have my own little crush than to lose you entirely. we are not emotionally safe for each other. our breakup was atrocious, so uncivilized, so unkind. LDR's are all about anxiety and anticipation. i remained faithful to you. i had waited months for a hug from you, so looked forward to telling my stories to your face unmediated by a computer screen. i so looked forward to toasting the other's birthday. it's not the breakup that hurts so much. it's that it happened days before i was scheduled to board a plane to come see you. and even though i asked you three times on email and phone to just talk in person, you insisted on calling and complaining until we were just done.

 

it took me two weeks to unpack the suitcase i had just begun to pack. i didn't go to my professional conference that had been scheduled months in advance. i hid for weeks from coworkers who might ask about our visit. i have cried nearly every day for months trying to understand how someone who was so dear to me could treat me this way. i remember that i had that nightmare in which you dumped me in front of all your friends and wouldn't talk to me after. i told you about that dream and you were so sorry just that i had had it. but during our last conversation, i had to face that you were planning to never see me and possibly to never speak to me again in life. how do i forgive you for that? how do i forgive myself for coming to love you so deeply and to regard you so highly when in the end you pushed me out of your world abruptly and without even an embrace? i have not heard your voice since.

 

sometimes even the nicest man is not a nice man...

Posted

I have no idea of what your real-life feelings are (never did!) - got that disastrously wrong once - which means we're not on a level. Also I'm not doing anything behind anyone's back, but I also want some inkling of where I stand, if anywhere. I don't need you as such (except when I'm tired and emotional), I can walk away. But.

Posted

I cried on my way to meeting him the other day... I keep feeling sad for moving on, I feel like I betray you, and sometimes see him as an impostor. He was standing around the fountain and when he spotted me, he gave me the warmest smile... all my sadness was gone in that instant. When he holds me in his arms, I feel the safety I always wanted to feel with you.

 

Tonight he sent me the sweetest email, quiet, respectful and talking about things he did because he was thinking of me. Actions, almost another language, not sweet words. I cried when I read it, couldn't help to go through your emails and clicked randomnly on one of the last ones, when you sent me the cruelest breadcrumb you could've ever sent me, filled with pity, with lies. I didn't deserve that.

 

Being with him and seeing how emotionally mature he is makes what I had with you look like a real illness. It makes me so sad because what we had was real, I know you, I know your heart, even understand what happened in the end... it's so painful knowing we're not good around each other... I wish we were, I wish there was a way to be as intense as we were, to make each other crazy without destroying us... I'd give anything to have you back in my life in a healthy way, but it's impossible... and it hurts so much letting you go. It hurts too seeing the light again and realizing how wrong our relationship always was and how I should never get back to you even if it's what I want the most.

  • Like 3
Posted

Well I lasted a week without posting here. So I would like to say things are going well for me. I shared a physical intimate moment with E on friday night and tonight we flirted a lot and she started letting me in on some of her past relationship after weeks of me venting about you, R. I would like to say I wish more than anything that we could be friends one day but I don't know if that is really possible for us or at least for me. I'm not sure if I have that desire for a platonic relationship with you. What will we use each other for? Our relationship was based on the foundation of sharing moments and letting each other in about our emotional past. That is all intimacy. We can't share those intimate moments as just friends. And even if you take back your absolutism and decide you want me back, I can't take you back. If you wanted me back it would expose your lack of integrity. I want someone with integrity. Who thinks of the ramifications of their words and actions have on the other. And while you try to be a good person, you are not a person of integrity or initiative. I need someone I can respect is all. So I hope you have a decent week and hope you had fun for memorial day, regardless if it was with family, friends, or another male. Doesn't concern me any more:)

Posted

This is so hard.

 

I Miss you, the dogs and our life together like crazy,.

 

Like crazy.

 

I cry every night as I write this to you.

 

For the positive person that I am, I still feel ... SO much pain.

 

So much:(

 

I won't ever contact you again.

 

That is how seriously I have to take your rejection of my heart......

 

I will never take myself seriously or respect myself if I accept anything less than I deserve or want.

 

I want to move on and be happy.

 

I want to talk to you more than ever.

 

I have the strongest urge right now.

Posted

I noticed the photos your step father uploaded of you and Kayleigh. I can't understand why you'd be near her, touch her, give her a piggyback (like you used to do for me) and even speak to her after the way she treated you!

 

It's so unfair. I did nothing but love you and I get nothing. She cried rape, lied, cheated on you and she gets your time and company.

 

Why is this so cruel? I saw an old conversation the other night, it was a few weeks after we got together. You told me you were crying and shaking because you still couldnt believe that I was your girlfriend, and that you would never, ever let me go.

 

:(

Posted

I just want to reach for my phone and call you.

 

I miss you so much and want to hear your voice.

 

I want to go back to how close we were, but with the knowledge I now have....

 

I can't bare this it is so painful.

 

I have a lump in my throat, I am choking up.

 

I just can't believe your gone at times.

Posted

Honestly thought you were the one who I was going to marry. Even now, I don't imagine walking down the aisle to anyone else.

 

I miss you so much. I miss how secure and happy I felt with you. I loved how comfortable I was with you and how you were with me.

 

I just want you to come back to me, I miss my best friend so much.

  • Like 1
Posted

^^

Was going to post something here but Gingerlee has summed it up perfectly :,(

Posted

Ah ****. Here it goes again, the roller coaster of emotions. I keep thinking its over and it never is. Why are you the one not talking to me? It should be the other way around. You're getting serious with this other guy, the guy you left me for......what the hell. That is so messed up, everyone knows that he's the other guy, that can't be a healthy relationship.

 

And of course I'm jealous of him. I'm jealous because I know how much better I am than him, yet you chose him over me. Correction, you lied to me and LEFT me for him. There is not sting quite like that. Thanks for making me feel like complete **** but at the same time I still want you back. Nothing makes sense.

Posted

But I don't want to close the door on you yet. And I don't want to move on. Yet I know that I have to. :(

 

Why couldn't things have just been different-- for us, and for you and me as individuals? I really wanted to grow with you, but I guess that was not possible with the way I was going.

 

I loved you. Oh so, so much. And I still do. Until that day comes when I cease thinking about you, you'll always be there. At least, on my mind.

 

I'm so sorry. (This is, what, my 8th post in this thread? Sheesh.)

 

Idealistically, you would have been my first... and last love. The one whom I would experience as many "firsts" with as possible, like you said. I guess... in this world that doesn't cater to ideals, that's simply not possible? Not even a little... (sigh).

 

Don't get me wrong, it's not JUST the idea of "being in a relationship" that I miss. I miss YOU. YOU specifically. YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, even though you did all of those horrible things to me in that other forum. No matter how enraged I get at you, no matter how much I fantasize about cursing you out or beating you up.... I freaking care about you like a sucka. I wanted to be everything you wanted in a woman.... I guess I have to let that go, too.

 

...

 

I WANT THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!

Posted

I think I'm using the safety net of missing you to not go out there and pursue a new relationship and that's why I'm having all my anxiety, because I don't want to have my heart broken like you broke it. But I guess no one can break my heart as much as you did now.. Why did doing the right thing screw me over so much? That's the biggest question I have now looking back.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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