Post here instead of contacting your ex!

May 15, 2013

Yet another night I don't hear from you, I can't believe you still haven't tried to make amends, knowing you don't care and never have is making it so hard to move on, you always avoided me when things went wrong, I had to make that effort to make things right, even when it was you who did these things to us, do you have no soul?, no emotions?, how do you feel?, why do you never open up and tell me, am I not worth that?, what did I do for you to make this so hard for us?, I've been so patient and looked passed so much for you, why couldn't you make the effort to open up?, why am I even having to ask you all this, it's so wrong, what's the matter with you?.

I can't help but wonder what your doing without me, if your enjoying your life, wondering if you've forgotten me completely, heartbroken with thoughts that you may just well of left me for somebody else, that's how it seems with the way your acting, my last ex never said a word to me, left me wondering and in the end she left me for another, I can't find out that horrible way again, it would kill me, at least be honest and tell me, you never gave me an ending, you said you were too tired, I feel so worthless that you couldn't be bothered to even explain yourself and give me a proper heartfelt goodbye your so horrible, I want to hate you so bad, I don't deserve this hell your putting me through.

May 16, 2013

I feel so sorry for you, why don't you talk to him?, surely it's worth a shot?, your feelings seem so genuine, just seems such a shame that your torturing yourself like this, wish my ex had the compassion and remorse that your showing her but she's just like the ex before her and unfortunately that's ignorant and heartless, I'm sure your ex would appreciate knowing how you feel, once again if you ever want to talk you have my email, I thought for sure you were a dude lol

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

May 16, 2013

So guys, I am actually considering and am very likely to send this because I have no intentions of getting back with her, I do not care at all what happens, all I know is that I want to know that I did the best I could do to tie up the loose ends I felt needed tying-up before I graduate high school the weekend after next.

So I suppose all I would like is feedback if any, however I do doubt I will use it, so don't take it personally.

Here it is:

S,

I just really wanted to let you know how awesome it was to be able to spend time with you this year. You really showed me that I CAN be happy. I had so much fun doing things with you and spending time with you and (her friend) and (her other friend) and definitely meeting (her younger brother) and (younger sister). You really have an awesome and loving family! You are going to a really great school and you are so lucky that you will be able to play the sport you love! I just know that you will go far in life. You have no idea how thankful I am that you showed me kindness and were a truly awesome friend. It’s amazing how simple a smile can brighten your day.

I do wish you luck in all of your future endeavors and I hope you have an amazing, fun, and memorable summer with your friends! This is your last one! Make it count!

You will go far.

“Most people lose the ability to see silver linings even though they are always there above us”

Sincerely,

J

P.S. I know that things have been awkward for whatever reason and I do wish we could have remained friendly for the rest of the year, although I doubt it would have been possible. I felt that this was the most appropriate way of saying goodbye to you because I realized that you were not open to talking in person. I just know that I would be kicking myself if I didn’t at least try to leave on a positive note. I’ve already accepted the fact that you will likely dismiss this note as some pathetic attempt to “win you back” or whatever people think happens in the movies, and actually acknowledging this here probably doesn’t help anyways so I don’t expect this to change your mind of anything. I just wanted to do this for me if nothing else and maybe at least clear up some misunderstanding and let my mind rest so I can know I didn’t leave any loose ends after high school. Onwards and upwards.

May 16, 2013

So unfortunately I forgot about one thing:

I don't know how I would give this to her.

I definitely shouldn't text it to her. She would just dismiss this as a pathetic attempt to win her back if I stuck this letter in her locker. And She would never give me the chance to give it to her in person....

Guys? Suggestions?

May 16, 2013

I was so lost today. I literally walked around in circles around town all day because I couldn't stand to not be moving. My feet are worn and covered in band aids but I just couldn't stop walking.

For some reason earlier today there was a lot of hope. I don't know why because yesterday I was further along. Yes, I'd hoped that you would try to contact me even though I made it impossible but the hope I had today was stronger. It had such a pull on me that I think I wandered hoping you'd come across me.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm delusional. I know I think I expected this time to be like every other time and it isn't. It has a different feel and I'm not ready to accept it yet.

A lot of me is holding a grudge against you. Nothing new. I hate how you get to walk away from this unscathed. If this relationship were to end, it should have ended because of all the horrible things you did. Instead it ended when I reached my breaking point and couldn't stop being SO mad at you. You got to end the relationship because according to you it wasn't healthy for you. FOR YOU. If I wasn't so sad, I'd laugh.

No one really knows. But you do. I do. You know what it was like. I know you have a habit of never thinking about something that makes you feel bad, like the ****ty things you've done or said. You told me that you just want to forget it ever happened. To move on and never do it again. I tried getting you to understand so many times that when you do that, your not accepting responsibility for your actions and won't learn from your mistakes if you pretend like they never happened. "I know" you would say. You never tried to ease my fears of it happening again. You just wanted me to shut up.

Are you doing that right now? Are you pretending that all the bad things YOU did never happened or were less destructive than they actually were? Are you pretending that I am the one who cause all this pain because I couldn't let go? You must also fail to remember that you never let me, let go. You never gave me time to heal before you were doing it again.

I'm tired but I'm glad I got this out. I wish everything I said didn't fall on deaf ears but they always did and they always will.

May 16, 2013

i miss you baby :'( i miss you so much

May 16, 2013

You know, despite all the hurt you caused. All the trust you broke and all the hope you pulled out of me, I feel guilty. I feel regret.

I feel guilt and regret over the person I became from all the hurt. I should have been stronger. I should have stood up for myself before it came to this point. I should have walked away the moment it felt wrong. I didn't because I thought I loved you and I'd never felt that way before. Your the first person I could even say I love you too.

I feel bad for the way I acted during our last few fights and I use the word our lightly. I admit it was mostly me. I couldn't stop, for the life of me I could not stop. Every bit inside of me was screaming at myself to stop. Every word that came out of my mouth I immediately regretted and still I couldn't let it go. I needed something from you. I'm not even sure of what it was anymore but I know I needed it like I needed air in those moments and I wasn't getting it. I was never going to get it.

I feel guilty because even though I felt like you should as much as you hurt me, I knew that you weren't strong enough to hear my words. You already feel so bad about yourself and even though I wanted you to feel bad about yourself, the person I used to be, the person I really am deep down inside, the person I want back, isn't a person who hurts someone because I've been hurt. I should have walked away. I should have let things be but I just wasn't ready to have things be the way they should be.

I am truly sorry for my words and actions because I shouldn't have let anyone turn me into that person. I should have been strong enough to hold onto me and I wasn't and THAT isn't your fault.

May 16, 2013

I really hope you change your decision about going to that party. It will destroy us if you go. I can't go on like this anymore and I am sick of being kept away from your male friends. You may have genuine reasons, but you should see how much it hurts me. Just introduce me and make things right, or else never introduce me and leave for good.

I hate your silent treatment, I hate how we can never communicate a problem out. I hate your stubbornness and your stupidity for not realising you are about to blow it.

May 16, 2013

This isn't directed at my ex, but at a friend I recently stopped talking to and figured this was a safe place to say it

I miss you. There I said it. And I'm having a hard time today and a hard time with the way things were handled this week. I felt I never got a chance. So many questions and "what ifs" fill my head. I hate that we're not talking anymore. I really really do. I am struggling with NC more with you than with my ex of a 4 year relationship. Go Figure! I wish you good luck and am hopeful we'll talk again

Edited May 16, 2013 by california15

May 16, 2013

Why should I have to suffer for your wrong doings. I should not be the one feeling punished, it is you who made the bad decisions. You make me out to be the bad guy because I have tried contacting you and flip flopped on my emotions and actions, but do you realize that it is all because of what you did? You could give me a lecture on maturity and self control but it would be full of hypocrisy since it was you who started everything with your lack of control and maturity.

The fact that you still have not faced me or completely owned up to your actions says more than enough about you. The drama could have been over now if you were more mature from the start. You beg Greg to talk to you yet you don't reply to me. You are so absorbed in yourself and what you want that everyone else's needs are ignored. You are selfish Taylor, you always have been and always will be. Yes you gave gifts and kind words, but you only did so if it was required or if things were working in your favor.

You always played the victim anytime there was disagreement with your family or friends. You could always twist a situation to make yourself seem wronged or victimized. You're continuing to do it even now with me. You go out, party and drink and have a good time, go ahead and live it up. Get it all out of your system because one day it's all going to come crashing down. You're going to get a dose of reality and realize that your social life, the drinking, the parties and the guys, it doesn't get you anywhere in the long run. And when you do fall, guess who won't be there. I'm starting my career, something you thought I wasn't ready to do, and I'm leaving you behind me.

Maybe one day I'll talk to you, but not anytime soon. We can never have a relationship again, unless its years down the road an you are a completely different person. I won't go back to what I had with you, our time apart has made me realize everything that was wrong in our relationship. I was comfortable with you and afraid to live life in my own, that's why I stayed in the relationship. I didn't know that at the time but I do now. I may be lonely right now, and it is largely my fault because I allowed myself to be so dependent on you, but with time I will improve and will have a better understanding of myself and what I want in life.

Do I miss you or do I miss having that relationship with someone in general?.....honestly it's probably a bit of both. I do miss doing things with you, but I also know that one day I can do those things with someone else. Still though, I gave you 4 years of my life, I was going to propose in a matter of months, and what do I have to show for it? A broken heart, shattered self confidence, and loneliness. I never thought you were capable of cheating, well you proved me wrong

May 17, 2013

To my friend (not ex):

cmon, would you just call me or text me already so we can talk about this and go back to being friends and go back to the way things were!? Gah I hate this weirdness of how it ended. This is going to be a long weekend.

May 17, 2013

This will be my last time communicating in this way. I just have a few things left to say before I sign off and leave this all behind me.

I'm feeling very sad and I'm still left wondering why this all happened. When you made the choice to leave a long time ago and handle things the way you did it really hurt. It brought me to my knees once. I will always wonder why you didn't just stay gone and why this played out like it did. I'm not playing victim or anything of the sort. There is a whole large group - extremely large - that can attest to my feelings being 100% valid. On the one hand I would love to think that our situation was not "typical", but it's really hard to see it and believe.

I gave you my heart and had complete faith that you had my back and that you would show me the reasoning behind it all - that your intentons were pure. I want nothing more than to believe that yet it's so hard. I trusted you. I trusted you with all my heart.

I don't want to play this game anymore. I just want to move on from the pain of those memories and start living my life the way I should be. So please respect my request and stop the game and let me be if this was all one big joke with the intention of punishing me. If that was your goal then you have some soul searchng to do because you never made your intentions clear. You never spoke to me directly about how you were feeling and what your expectations were. I felt like I was just this quirky girl you liked hanging out with once in a while. Your ACTIONS told me that. So can't you see that from my perspective it didn't make sense given how you were never fully present and open with me?

Oh, and crazy town with the dogs? There are too many weird cowinky dinks that are reminiscent of that time way back then. If "crazy town" is a part of this silly game then you better call her off. If she is, I don't know who role she is playing, but she certainly is not even remotely close to who I am or who I thought you were. That situation is just plain crrrAAAZY.

If you can't find it in your heart to sit down and show me how this all makes sense and there was a point to it that wasn't meant to be cruel then I need to ask you to leave me be. If you can't honor my request for complete honesty, then perhaps one day in the very far future when I've moved on with my life, you will contact me and come clean so I understand what really happened.

That all I have to say and won't bother even venting this in cyber space anymore. If I happen to show up somewhere, it is only to offer advice to help others through hard times. Any assistance I offer will be purely objective and based on my experiences. It will have nothing to do with you personally.

I wish you peace and hope that you are happy with your life. I won't harbor any ill will because that's not who I am. I'm very sad it had to end this way. You were able to get the truth from me and yet I'm left hanging without getting the same back from you in return. That really hurts. All I ever did was "Love You" and if that was a crime then I'm sorry.

Ciao

Edited May 17, 2013 by avelonia2013

May 17, 2013

On Sunday it will be 3 weeks since I have seen you. It feels like forever but the pain is nothing like the pain I feel after I made love to you and you send me packing like a whore on the street. You still ask to sleep with me, but you don't ask me how I am doing or even about my life. I know you will never love me like I need to be loved and I know you are still in love with your ex wife. Heck you married her twice and if I must admit she seems pretty amazing. I think about you every day, I don't even know why. I think its because I invested in something with no return. I hate losing. I need to cut my losses. You text me and asked me to come over Wednesday and it took every bit of me to say no and keep moving. Why do I sell myself short? I need to start going back to church

May 17, 2013

So. I don't really care one way or the other anymore.

Just figured something out though. I can't believe I let you make me feel ugly and not worthy of you. I finally figured out why all of this happened. You were just not in love with me. You were so loyal to your ex girlfriend. Defending her. Never mentioning one flaw about her. At the same time telling me how I was not that level and my clothes weren't all up there. (you would say these things in such a way that you could turn it around on me when I acted sensitive about it, manipulator). And ofcourse being so flirty with other girls. Telling me how many hot girls you used to hung out with. So I was nothing in every single way you could look at it. I wasn't the bitchy hot girl. I wasn't the pure ex girlfriend with a beautiful mind. The thing is you critisized me on all fronts. After running into your ex a long time ago I always felt that she was TOTALLY not in my league when it comes to her appearance. You were just in love with her. I can't believe a girl who dresses like she does gets a pass from you for al these years and you have the nerve to critisize me?!!! She has nothing on me when it comes to looks. Don't be so shocked that her husband is ugly. He is in the same league as she is! The issue is that I don't care about them. I just HATE the fact that you really made someone who was confident in her appearance, someone who felt sexy, dressed very feminine and looked the part SO incredibly insecure while giving a free pass to your ex. You are a loyal fool. She is married you idiot. Just be honest. Stop acting like she is this whole ordeal when you know she doesn't live up to your own standars. Which is fine. I just hope for your next victim to know that it's not her. It's you.

May 17, 2013

going on 3 days NC.......... emotions are flying everywhere I can do i can do it..... lol

May 17, 2013

I want to tell you how much I miss you. I wanted to talk about us. It's been almost a month and half since the break up but a month since we've skyped about us. I did a very a good job not mentioning about us and going crazy. I'm strong, just the way I've been with us doing the long distances and our problems. I can assure you I feel the break up was very much needed since I had to work on my social anxiety not to mention we were hurting how we were going to do this long distances. Everyday, I think of you and miss you. I am afraid to tell you because I don't know how you would take it. I want to look strong for myself. I miss you and when I do move down NYC. I hope the two of us can get to hangout and have fun!

May 18, 2013

If I go on with you, can it be the way it was, my heart is true, girl it's just you I'm thinking of, can it be the way it was......

May 18, 2013

I've done nothing but hang out with friends this week and to tell you the truth its been awesome R. Seriously, I realized How much more of a social life I actually have than you. You might have your strange hook ups and hang out with your sister or best friends once in a while. But I have partied, and seen over 20 friends this week on separate occasions. Also my close friend approves of E already over you (in looks and personality department) so I'm glad to say I can see I'm happy. Sometimes I still need my long drives to long island and Blast Fall out boy with windows rolled down to clear my head, but I never let you dictate what I do. I drove to Roosevelt field mall the other day not to re-live memories but to show that those memories don't control what I want to do. Best of luck, seriously. Think you are going to need it more than I do. Hope you have a decent Saturday coming up

May 18, 2013

(i apologize for profanities, as i understand, they will be blocked out automatically, so hopefully no harm done. i just really need to let it go without worrying about what words i choose)

Every once in a while, all the **** you've caused, said and done rears its ugly head inside me and I feel the rage inside me. You're a ****ing piece of **** for the way you've treated, you cheating, lying, abusing, manipulating, whoring, hurtful, spiteful, vindictive, jealous, hypocritical, slutty excuse of a girlfriend. I ****ing hate you for treating me the way you've did, and i ****ing hate myself for letting you stay in my life for so long, i just should have ****ed you off the first time you lied to me, the first time you mentioned your ex, the first time you told me you had cheated on me, the first time you tested,... I was unbelievably stupid and I ****ing hate you, despise you, loath you, you piece of ****. What kind of a ****ed up person cheats, lies, expose significant other to stds, wishes him to contract stds, manipulates, ... , someone who has always tried to be good to them, to support and help them in so ****ing many ways?! who has spent so much energy, time, health, money, ... , on making every single ****ing day of your life a wonderful experience, full of love, laughter, great experiences,...?!

I wish I weren't trying to be a better person, I wish I had the lack of morals that you have to have ****ed around to revenge on you, to tell everyone how you've used me, hurt me, cheated on me, lied to me, and then acted all sweet and charming, and happy after dumping me for someone else, whilst claiming you needed to be alone.

Congratulation, you son of a bitch. No, scratch that, your mom was ****ing amazing, I'm sorry her daughter acted the way she did. Congratulations, you've messed me up so badly, in addition to everything i got messed up by my family. Thank you for a life's lesson of not trusting people even when they say they love you and want to be with you forever. You ****ing liar! I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been taking me for ages to let go of thinking about the good things, and it's been taking me ages to slowly rebuild my self-esteem, trust for others, I ****ing hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I let myself be truly hurtful like you are, to ****ing tell you in your face what a bitch you've been and how I wish that some day someone else, something else makes you realize just how much you ****ed things up and how I were something best that ever happened to you. For all my mistakes and inexperience, I never ever lied to you, never hurt you intentionally and always did my best to not hurt you unintentionally, I never cheated on you, I always, every single day tried to make you happy, I helped you to get of the anti-depressants, I had every day new videos, stories, songs, trips, ... , prepared to make you laugh while you'd be down in the dumps, I was the one willing to admit my mistakes, to pay for counselling, to try to change, to always tell every single girl I met what a great girlfriend I had and how much I loved her, I did everything I could for both of us to be happy and for me to be happy. You ****ing cheating piece of a lying whore!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks. Before I met you, everyone told me how they liked me for being so nice and kind to people around me. After you, guess what!!!! This is the last time! The last time I ever let anyone get so close to me! The last time I try to help & be so good to someone as I was to you! The last time I ever think about someone else but myself! Go to hell. No, scratch that. I really really really hope that very soon, I will forget you. That if I ever see you, I'll think nothing of you and just move on, happy that I've left you in the past, that I'll feel absolutely nothing about you and that I won't have to ignore you, simply because not even one small piece of me will want to ever have anything else to do with you for as long as either of us lives.

I hate you! And you don't deserve me to hate you. You don't deserve for me to think or feel anything about you ever again!

May 18, 2013

Hey there my Baby Tag.

Days like this are when I miss you the most. It's so sunny and warm, and whilst you are out playing football I am inside, moping before I have to go to work. We would usually go for a picnic with the dogs or sat cuddled up in your garden on the big beanbags. Or your friends would come around and we'd sit and drink cider and have a big bbq.

Things are not good at home either. I used to be able to hop on a bus and come straight to yours, and we'd stay awake making love or watching utter crap on tv. You always made me feel so safe and you never let me dwell on anything for very long. You'd put on your sh*tty rap music and dance around like a complete moron and it would have me in stiches. And then you'd play "Take it to the head" usually when you were sat working at your desk and i'd always sit on your lap and grind you because that song... that song turned me on so much!! It still makes me smile whenever I hear it now.

You called me last night drunk. We spoke for a whole 6 minutes. It was 5am and it was the first time you have done that in nearly a month. I was half asleep but the sound of your voice made my heart race.You were being soo annoying, and I could tell you were hammered, but you had me in fits of laughter after I heard about your adventures. You really are the funniest person i've ever met, no one can make me laugh so effortlessly like you do.

I see you're going on ANOTHER lads holiday in July. Last time you went on one of those, we were together and had been for nearly 3 years. You had just broken your knee beforehand and you were on crutches and put on weight, but I still loved you. I still spent every penny I had on credit so I could text you and make sure you were safe and having fun. You sent me a text saying "I'm having a brilliant time, but I cant wait to get home to my beautiful girl, because meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me!" and I remember, I was at a pub in Reading and I had to go outside because I was crying, happy tears of course. I deleted that text a couple months ago in a fit of rage, but I still remember every word you said. I havnt got the heart to tear up the love letters or the endless cards and presents... Maybe one day, but not yet. I bet you'll be up to mischief this time, probably going to make up for lost time regarding girls, eh? I don't mind. I just want you to be happy and enjoy yourself. I wonder if you thought about me at all whilst booking that.

I miss you so much.

May 18, 2013

I dont know where to begin. I know what you have been doing. I can see where you spend your time. What do you think youre doing. Im nearly positive youre sleeping with him, if not youre doing everything else with him. It makes me sick.........you make me sick. You dont even care that Im not a part of you life anymore. To all this i say a simple **** YOU. I loved you for the real you, I dont know who this other person is. Maybe this is the real you, maybe youve been hiding from me for a while. Im still in shock, its all so surreal.

May 18, 2013

I wish long distances wasn't a problem for us. I'm sorry for the way I've acted due to my anxiety, fear and you constantly telling me how is this all going to work out. You had doubts. I tried my best to give you hope. I tried so hard to make you believe we can do this, I didn't want you to give up on us cause we both loved each other so much. You were and still is my everything! It's funny once you feel the hurt, you become so aware of your actions. It's true, you don't know what you got good till it's gone. I thank you for staying with me for 7 long months of us being in long distances. It says a lot about us even tho I vowed not to do it again hence why I kept having hope and truly believe I wanted to be with you, only you. I love you so much and I know in my heart you still love me just as the way I do. I'm happy we are giving each other space to give us time to cope with the break up.

One day when you come back in my arms, I will never EVER EVER let you go.

I will fight for you harder then the last time.

May 18, 2013

As I sit here allowing myself to be imobilized again (! My own doing of course), I read something that stood out to me and made a lot of sense, but I won't go into it. I really hate that I'm even thinking about how all that stuff played out back then. It's sooo on the surface right now and I need to deal with it and let it go for good. It was a pretty harsh exprience. I really need to face it, understand it and purge it the h*ll out of my system! If I don't it will always be in there, lurking around inside like a beatie-eyed poisonous snake, waiting for the next opportunity to strike - most likely when I least expect it. If I've learned anything from this whole situation is that these things need to be faced and dealt with honestly in order for a person to heal and let it go.

It may sound like I'm blaming it all on you - I'm not. Not at all. I'm just walking through this one last time before I lock it away for good. I accept that I chose to stay and that's on me. All I wanted was to get know you as a person. I'm guilty of falling in love with you and amazingly enough, it never went away. It stayed, though everything - even the dark times. No matter how hard I tried to supress it and deny it, it was always there. And believe me I tried like h*ll because it was clear that it wasn't allowed to be on the table for debate. In the end, I couldn't betray myself anymore and accept the terms being offered and that's why I had to walk away. You made choices that feel right for you and fit with your circumstances and I get that. Heck, I don't even know what those circumstances are. But, those choices don't fit with who I am and I had to make a choice too. I couldn't stay and deny my own needs and feelings even though what we had was something different for you than it was me.

I am left with a few lingering questions though. Why did you keep me in your life instead of walking away? Why didn't you come to me directly if you had questions?

Edited May 18, 2013 by avelonia2013

May 19, 2013

Feeling my energy coming back today. I'm so glad I took the time to walk back through the past. It felt good to acknowledge my feelings and not feel bad for having them. I'm allowed! I don't have to feel bad or apologize for them simply because the rules didn't allow it. I needed it and now I can walk away knowing it was okay to fall in love, but it is also okay to not accept the terms that go against who I am. It feels good acknowledging it finally.

May 19, 2013

Ugh. I hate missing you so bad. I hate that I want to tell you. I will be in NYC next week. I hope we get to hang out or go to movies, just something light. It's been almost 2 months and a half since I last saw you in person. I hope that you're feeling better since you are feeling sick. I wish I can be there and make you feel good. Give you a back massage cause you'd love that. I hate knowing you're sick. The goodnight sleep have better made your body feel all better and gave you the recovery you need. I am thinking of you so bad now, I want to hug you! Please hug me too!

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