Post here instead of contacting your ex!

May 9, 2013

I miss talking with you. I miss lying in bed on a lazy day, cuddling and reading our iPads. I miss how when we went to sleep, you also moved a leg to touch my leg.

I wish I could talk to you about what's going on in my life right now. I miss your support and encouragement.

I never imagined I would miss you when you left. I never believed you would leave.

I miss you.

May 9, 2013

I thought you were different.. I thought WE were different. I never would've believed that you would play with my emotions, ESPECIALLY when you knew how vulnerable I was.

I hate that I miss you and want to see you while you're out with someone else. I hate that I won't be at your graduation..I hate that I still care about that.

May 10, 2013

Thanks again for buying me the vita, I really do love it, I think I'll be getting more use out of it from now on, it will always remind me of you and your kindness, it's still the best present I ever got, gonna buy me lots and lots of games for it I still miss messaging you on yours, it's gonna take sone time to get used to not having that routine of talking to you every night and being so close to you but I will get there in the end, you'll always be a memory of an amazing time in my life and as it stands your the best girlfriend I ever had, I only wish I could of had more time with you, I'll always love you and it's going to be so painful to see you with someone else one day but your happiness is all I ever wanted and that will never change, I miss you so much, please don't ever change, I want to remember you just the way you where.

May 10, 2013

I can smell your next move from our 10,000 mile distance after finding out. In a way I'm wishing for it so I can finally drop the last bit of compassion I have for you and your fucked up ways. It would be a great, express way to feeling true repulsion for you... and if you don't it's going to take me months to get there, but I'll get there anyways.

You couldn't look older and more ridiculous in that picture hanging out with young girls. But so in the right place, that's the demographic you can still impress. I know you so well I look at that picture and can almost hear how you're an artist, how you're searching for "truth", how you look at those trees and tears come to your eyes because the power of nature is so overwhelming, how your paintings project this confusion that's caused by your profound sensibility, a sensibility people take often advantage of... which only causes you to take advantage in advance, knowing people and their strange ways, better take the lead!, but you're still misunderstood, because you mean no harm, you carry on questionable actions but they're only "questionable" because people aren't as smart as you are and can't see the layers of complexity behind your actions... oh and the beauty of these soft fabrics and how you had to invest 2000 on that jacket alone, plus 1300 for your pants, 900 on your boots, which would be a total of what? 4200? (this is the moment when you stare in silence hoping for a reaction, in fact, you don't mention the 4200, you ask them to sum it up while you act like you have no idea ), but yes, it's not about the money, it's about the "beauty", the "expression", "money means nothing, it comes and goes"... I mean, you bring it to numbers, because it means nothing!

You have nouveau riche stamped on your forehead.

I hope loneliness hits you badly in the next days, I know it will, I know you'll be stupid enough to come after me, you still think I'm playing, but the more time goes by, the stronger I get and the more convinced I am that having you out was the best thing that could've happened to me. It's funny, how the whole time I thought I loved you I was in tears, you always made me feel so inadequate, so inferior in my ways of expressing love, so insecure even about the way I looked and dressed and the things I liked... for a while I thought there was really something wrong with me, maybe some kind of trauma that prevented me from just going for it and leaving everything you wanted me to leave, I couldn't understand why I felt that way, why I could never fully trust you and open up completely. It's like the brain smells danger. Sixth sense they call it. I regretted not giving more and now I wish I had given you less.

Edited May 10, 2013 by lop98

May 10, 2013

Just had a horrible dream, can't seem to get back to sleep, I was dreding these kind of dreams, I dreamt we where together, I was holding your hand, I smiled at you then kissed you on the cheek, your smile was so real, you told me you loved me and I woke up with a horrible feeling of despair, I don't know how it came to this, I just wish things where good between us again, I geuss now I can only wish for life to be like that again, I love you, I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you, I'm sorry I don't fit into your plans anymore, I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you fall out of love with me again, I miss you, I hope you find what your looking for, I geuss in the end you realised what I knew I was all along, nothing more than a safe bet, I can at least take pride in that stability though.

May 10, 2013

I just slept for 15 hours . But at the same time you were probably in the dreams the majority of the time. I think in one of them we were getting back together and you were reluctant but everyone kept telling you it was the right choice. Another dream you despised me. You wouldn't even talk to me. Like I did something wrong. You made me feel so bad for talking to our friend about you doing what you did that the guilt is just on me. The guilt should be on you! You even said it yourself that you should have just let me leave that night I went to pick my things so we could have preserved a hope for the future. But now we killed it! You and I! We played with fire. We hurt each other. But it started with your selfish ways. Well whatever. I hope hope you realize that I was the hurt one and that you struck all the first blows. I hope you have a decent Friday. I'm going to see Gatsby with E today

May 10, 2013

Despite such a horrible day so far, lack of sleep and all that, I'm starting to come to terms with it now, I think one thing that will hold me back is thinking of you with someone else, knowing one day you will feel for someone else what you felt for me and experience all I held dear, it destroys me, I just don't know how I'm going to get over that, I truly believed you and me were meant to be.

May 10, 2013

I AM SO PISSED AT YOU! SERIOUSLY!

I can't believe.... I let myself get this angry. We haven't even been together for a WHOLE year, and yet... I am pissed.

@__@ this is what i get for being silly and for... hoping for a past to come back to life? The FLIP IS my problem for? THE PAST IS DEAD! The PAST NO LONGER CONCERN WITH YOUR PRESENT SELF! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT NOW?

Because HE DOES! Because HE KNOWS that, yet here I was all happy and giddy this week FOR NOTHING.

May 10, 2013

Hey. I'm going to that bar that we used to go to all the time tonight. I'm meeting a FWB and would really appreciate it if you didn't show up there cause that'd really ruin the mood.

May 10, 2013

“An old silver church in a forest

Is my love for you.

The trees around it

Are words that I have stolen from your heart.

An old silver bell, the last smile you gave,

Hangs at the top of my church.

It rings only when you come through the forest

And stand beside it.

And then, it has no need for ringing,

For your voice takes its place.”

May 11, 2013

Doesn't look like I'm going to get much sleep tonight either, just keep mauling things over in my head, trying to see things from your point of view, I realised quite a few home truths, it must of been hard for you feeling under pressure, trying to live up to the impossible fairy tale expectations I expected from you, I should of just accepted you for the way you are, that's the person I fell in love with after all, faults and all and I admit I didn't always create a positive atmosphere and that was emotionally draining for the both of us, I made mistakes, I'm sorry, I still miss you, I'm just about coping, I think right now I just need to take your word on things and put the past behind me, you did a Lot for me and made a lot of sacrifices, I was so grateful for that, we both went back on things and I think we both disrespected each other because of that, trust is a 2 way street and neither us walked down that street, I was always so worried after seeing those messages, thinking you had someone for a month in to our relationship who wasn't me, worrying if he was your first time, I geuss that made me paranoid about most guys you knew, those messages broke my heart for the longest time, some nights all the words I saw back then pop in my head and cause some really bad nightmares, that was the first time I ever had to doubt who you were and what kind of person I was with, I just wanted you to understand I geuss, I didn't bring it up a lot because I could, I brought it up a lot because it destroyed my trust for you and just wanted you to tell me I was the only one for you, I love you and I will always give you the benefit of the doubt, I just hope in the future I can tell you that.

May 11, 2013

So I had a really good time with E yesterday. She just kept wanted me to kiss her and touch her, but when Gatsby came on I just wanted to watch it, so I just put my arm around her as we watched. That movie was so hard to watch though, because I was reminded how much like Daisy you are! You think you can get away with your careless ways! And you think men have to be perfect to your imaginations, and once they have flaws you start falling out of love with them. You said it yourself at the end of our relationship, the little things I did started bothering you. I've concluded that for the majority of our relationship you were just infatuated by me. You loved the idea that you could get an intelligent, handsome, sexy, witty, sarcastic, understanding and even very well off guy with a big house and all. But once you saw I was human like how Daisy saw Gatsby was when he yelled at Tom, you got afraid and ran away. I teared at one point knowing Gatsby's pain, because just his waiting for daisy is something I would have done. Luckily we had 3D glasses so E didn't see. Regardless R you don't have a bone of integrity for love in your body.You don't want a future with me because I could expose every bad part of you. You saw how much your friends and family kept telling you to stay with me. The only people who told you to be single was the guy you cut out of your life for our relationship and then you hooked up with him. The other person is one of your close friends who lied to you saying she was breaking up with her BF as well so you guys could be single together, while she still cheats on him, and she had the nerve to tell you that I talked to our friend and made it seemed like I was speaking badly about you when you know it was all exaggerated. I know I'm better off without you, there is no way that I could have pleased you because you couldn't stand my flaws, even though you said at the end of our last conversation you said that I didn't have any. It will be hard to get over you, but reality must take over my dreams. You may have been my First love, but you aren't a proper love for me. Have a decent Saturday

Edited May 11, 2013 by maturityassets

May 11, 2013

I've been living with the fear of running into you on campus every day since we broke up. But I'm graduating Friday and I probably will never see you again, maybe that fear was actually hope. Maybe I did want to run into you because it meant that I never had to actually say goodbye because any moment I could turn around and you'd be there. But no longer, now I really have to say goodbye. I wish we could have a proper goodbye though. I wish I could give you a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I'm never gonna dance with you again, we're never gonna get high and eat Dominoes like we used to, all our dreams, all the plans we made are never going to happen. I can't stop crying because I finally realize this is it.

May 11, 2013

Im finding it so hard to cope today, I just feel so physically and emotionally weak, I just don't understand how you can get on with your life so easily after this break up, I don't know how you had the heart to spring this on me out of nowhere and be so cruel, you knew how hard of a time I was having with all my health problems, all I wanted was your emotional and loving support to keep me calm and get me through this, I just feel like I'm back at day one again and my body just can't handle all this distress, I should despise you so much right now for messing me up like this but I just can't feel that way about you, I just wish your having as hard a time as I am, I deserve that much.

May 11, 2013

I hate u , but I hate my self more because I'm the only one responsible for this , for loving u the way I do , for making u the most important thing in my life for sharing many personal things just with u. But specially because in all my life I didn't felt with someone the way I did with u , because I did for you things I wouldn't normally do , I hate me because I allowed you to insult me and humiliate me because I keep coming back for more

May 11, 2013

I know you don't understand or maybe you do about how this has all made me feel and I can't try to explain it anymore. I'm just going to let it out here and then put it all behind me. Here it goes.

The beginning:

When I met you I was going through a pretty messed up time in my life and my actions were horrible and totally out of character for me. I accept responsibility for them 1000%! There is nothing I can do to go back and change them; all I can do is understand them, learn from them and make sure I never go back to that dark place ever again.

You walked into my life and I wasn't ready to meet someone like you. You seemed so normal and together and it was so foreign to me back then. I honestly didn't know what normal was after what I had just gone through and it was scary. I didn't know what to do so I put you off for as long as I could.

Then we went out a few times and each and every time we hung out I saw something new that I liked. It was like a kid finding the prize buried in a cereal box. I started to put the mess I came out of behind me and began looking forward to seeing what I would discover next with you. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I wasn't in love yet, but I could see myself heading there with each new discovery.

Then you changed and started to become distant without telling me why. I asked you directly what was going on so I could make a choice whether to continue or not. You kept denying me that choice and avoided providing any real answer. All I wanted was honesty and you refused to give it and began lying by ommission. You decided NOT to tell me you were back with your stbx or worse yet - and I feel this probably the real truth - that you were never apart to begin with. All you kept saying was "give me time, we will talk soon." Being the trusting prson that I am, I gave you the space you requested. I was honest with you when I became impatient and asked you what was going on and you STILL denied me the truth! Why?! The truth was all I needed and it was a fair request.

The middle:

As time went on I began to realize something was off. You would see me only when it was convenient for you and then would disappear for days and sometimes weeks without contacting me. I was left feeling incredibly used. Again I asked for answers and you still didn't provide them! Your actions spoke volumes and I realized that you were just not that into me. You never asked me to be your girlfriend and you never asked me to be exclusive, so I continued dating others and in light of how you were treating me, I was 100% within my rights to do so.

Then there came a time where you began to come around more often and I again began to start seeing new things that I liked. I became excited again at the prospect of getting to know you. One day out of nowhere, as I was driving to work, it hit me that I was in love with you. I was in love in a way that I've never felt before - it was so strange and new. I liked the feeling and said to myself that this must be real! I finally got up the courage to tell you and informed you that I was prepared to walk away if you didn't feel the same. I stopped seeing others and was fully prepared to focus on us to see where it would lead and you never responded. We text a few times and then you disappeared without an explanation. You simply fell off the face of the earth. Until...

...I won't even go into what happened next. It was disturbing.

The end:

After we got past the craziness we went through a lot of ups and downs before it all leveled out. I guess you got your five years worth huh?

The thing is, and I accept my part in it, that while you were always nice to me after the crazy period, the way you treated me through actions was despicable. Knowing how I felt and how much it hurt me at times, you still pushed for what you wanted without any regard for how it made me feel. You purposely kept up a wall so I couldn't connect with you emotionally. You were aware that you were doing it - it was obvious that it was calculated. Holding something like that back when you KNEW it was painful for me was unfair and kind of mean. I know I had my moments, but who wouldn't under those circumstances! You should have let me go when I tried to leave. You knew when you contacted me after each period of NC that you had a chance to reel me back in because I wasn't 100% over you yet. Why did you do it knowing you would continue to treat me as you always have? Knowing I would be hurt AGAIN? You should of just thrown some money on the dresser on your way out - that would have been more honest than the way you went about it. I wouldn't have tolerated it, but would've respected you more for being honest about what I was to you. It's called giving someone choice through honest actions. You chose to be selfish instead and took what you wanted until you knew the game was over. It was safe and you knew you didn't have to worry about STDs because I was loyal to you to a fault. Now that I look back on it all, that is the ONLY thing you and whoever you're with was worried about. That is part is very clear!

I will admit that I eventually came to terms with what we had and began to become indifferent to it. I saw it for what it was and CHOSE to participate. I started focusing on my own life and it didn't matter to me anymore when you weren't around. I wasn't obsessively attached to my phone waiting for texts from you; I wasn't thinking about you 24/7 like I used to; I was living my life and let go of the unhealthy attachment I had to you. I was moving forward and getting things done. I was totally fine with what we had - based on YOUR rules - because I wasn't ready for dating or a full blown relationship with anyone. I was completely focused on my own goals (and you know quite well what they were and still are) and it fit nicely. I wasn't expecting anything from you and was just enjoying it for what it was instead. I was in a good place. I knew there was no chance for us to be anything more than what we were and I was okay with that...finally.

Then you changed the rules on me as started to get closer to my goals. Why? Why did you all of a sudden start to take more of an interest me when you knew you have nothing to offer me except occasional companionship? I am at fault for allowing you take that step. Not only did you take that step, you shoved where I stood with you in my face through your actions. You still made me feel like I was nothing more than a very dark secret in your otherwise colorful life. The only thing you had to do was adjust your schedule and pick the show. You manipulated me into providing the rest and I think you did it on purpose. Why not be honest and tell me that we would need to split the evening due to your budget? You didn't have to manipulate the situation. Just tell it like it is and I would have been fine with it. I would've not only respected you more and felt comfortable, I would've gotten creative and also enjoy the show with you. I ended up feeling manipulated instead and it took all of the fun out of it for me. I probably would've even felt totally at ease with that woman who followed us around. I would've jokingly knocked you upside the head for playing into her antics instead of feeling uncomfortable watching you go crazy staring at her feet right in front of me. You made it so obvious that you were intrigued by her! Right in front of me no less! At the end of the evening I felt like either you or someone else set me up to go through that on purpose...to hurt me. It seem to follow a particular script. You're actions in the weeks following did as well. It's like each one of your movements in my presense was calculated to elicit a reaction out of me and not good ones. Why???!

In the end, I feel like you've done nothing but put me through test after test and nothing positive has ever come out of it. Everything still remained the same. It was still obvious where I stood in your life. Your over the top actions in this regard made that loud and clear. The only reason you began to step up your game with me was because you felt threatened that I might become interested in someone else that would be happy to give me the time and attention I deserve. What would happen to you when that occurred? Your free ride with me would've ended and force you start looking for someone else to hook. That takes a lot of work, energy and manipulation to do doesn't it? It's easier to try and hold onto what you have no matter how selfish it is. I am almost 100% positive that you've already started that long arduious process with someone new and my exit was probably perfectly timed as well. This is how your actions made me view you.

What have I learned from all of this? I've learned what I do want and need in a man who is my partner. I've learned that I will be able to spot an emotionally unavailable conflict avoidant manipulator from a thousand miles away. I've learned that I will never EVER tolerate a jealous man who thinks I run around spreading my legs for every man who pays attention to me or have to do business with. I find that DEEPLY insulting! I have integrity and I know how to draw boundaries when it is necessary. I resent even feeling the need to explain this to you, so I am not going to now or ever. Unless you prove to me I am completely wrong in thinking this way about you, I will view this whole online jealousy act as a ruse to keep me from finding someone who WILL treat me nicer than you ever have. Someone who will see me for the awesome person that I am! I don't care anymore about what happened in the first few years of knowing you. I don't care that you feel I am untrust-worthy. I know I am and the people that matter most in my life know that I am. I always have been when it comes to the relationships that matter to me both personally and professionally. And it's THEIR opinion that matters most to me as will the person that I CHOOSE to let into my life as my partner.

With you, it will always be something I'm doing wrong. Either I am going to have sex or I'm going to get emotionally involved with other men...you will never trust me. And you've made that abundantly clear by withholding everything I need to feel safe in this relationship or friendship or whatever the fck it was. I feel disgusted with myself for allowing you treat me this way. You've never taken the time to care enough about me to understand anything from my point of view. You were only worried about you and what you wanted and needed and how you could preserve that without giving much in return! You did that very well. I HATE that I allowed that to happen! I am disgusted by it all now. And finally, I am ANGRY!!!

I NEVER will allow a man that has the capacity to treat me that way into my life EVER again.

There you have it - what the beginning, middle and end looked like from my view.

This dark fairytale is done.

THE END.

:bunny:

May 11, 2013

I know you don't understand or maybe you do about how this has all made me feel and I can't try to explain it anymore. I'm just going to let it out here and then put it all behind me. Here it goes.

The beginning:

When I met you I was going through a pretty messed up time in my life and my actions were horrible and totally out of character for me. I accept responsibility for them 1000%! There is nothing I can do to go back and change them; all I can do is understand them, learn from them and make sure I never go back to that dark place ever again.

You walked into my life and I wasn't ready to meet someone like you. You seemed so normal and together and it was so foreign to me back then. I honestly didn't know what normal was after what I had just gone through and it was scary. I didn't know what to do so I put you off for as long as I could.

Then we went out a few times and each and every time we hung out I saw something new that I liked. It was like a kid finding the prize buried in a cereal box. I started to put the mess I came out of behind me and began looking forward to seeing what I would discover next with you. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I wasn't in love yet, but I could see myself heading there with each new discovery.

Then you changed and started to become distant without telling me why. I asked you directly what was going on so I could make a choice whether to continue or not. You kept denying me that choice and avoided providing any real answer. All I wanted was honesty and you refused to give it and began lying by ommission. You decided NOT to tell me you were back with your stbx or worse yet - and I feel this probably the real truth - that you were never apart to begin with. All you kept saying was "give me time, we will talk soon." Being the trusting prson that I am, I gave you the space you requested. I was honest with you when I became impatient and asked you what was going on and you STILL denied me the truth! Why?! The truth was all I needed and it was a fair request.

The middle:

As time went on I began to realize something was off. You would see me only when it was convenient for you and then would disappear for days and sometimes weeks without contacting me. I was left feeling incredibly used. Again I asked for answers and you still didn't provide them! Your actions spoke volumes and I realized that you were just not that into me. You never asked me to be your girlfriend and you never asked me to be exclusive, so I continued dating others and in light of how you were treating me, I was 100% within my rights to do so.

Then there came a time where you began to come around more often and I again began to start seeing new things that I liked. I became excited again at the prospect of getting to know you. One day out of nowhere, as I was driving to work, it hit me that I was in love with you. I was in love in a way that I've never felt before - it was so strange and new. I liked the feeling and said to myself that this must be real! I finally got up the courage to tell you and informed you that I was prepared to walk away if you didn't feel the same. I stopped seeing others and was fully prepared to focus on us to see where it would lead and you never responded. We text a few times and then you disappeared without an explanation. You simply fell off the face of the earth. Until...

...I won't even go into what happened next. It was disturbing.

The end:

After we got past the craziness we went through a lot of ups and downs before it all leveled out. I guess you got your five years worth huh?

The thing is, and I accept my part in it, that while you were always nice to me after the crazy period, the way you treated me through actions was despicable. Knowing how I felt and how much it hurt me at times, you still pushed for what you wanted without any regard for how it made me feel. You purposely kept up a wall so I couldn't connect with you emotionally. You were aware that you were doing it - it was obvious that it was calculated. Holding something like that back when you KNEW it was painful for me was unfair and kind of mean. I know I had my moments, but who wouldn't under those circumstances! You should have let me go when I tried to leave. You knew when you contacted me after each period of NC that you had a chance to reel me back in because I wasn't 100% over you yet. Why did you do it knowing you would continue to treat me as you always have? Knowing I would be hurt AGAIN? You should of just thrown some money on the dresser on your way out - that would have been more honest than the way you went about it. I wouldn't have tolerated it, but would've respected you more for being honest about what I was to you. It's called giving someone choice through honest actions. You chose to be selfish instead and took what you wanted until you knew the game was over. It was safe and you knew you didn't have to worry about STDs because I was loyal to you to a fault. Now that I look back on it all, that is the ONLY thing you and whoever you're with was worried about. That is part is very clear!

I will admit that I eventually came to terms with what we had and began to become indifferent to it. I saw it for what it was and CHOSE to participate. I started focusing on my own life and it didn't matter to me anymore when you weren't around. I wasn't obsessively attached to my phone waiting for texts from you; I wasn't thinking about you 24/7 like I used to; I was living my life and let go of the unhealthy attachment I had to you. I was moving forward and getting things done. I was totally fine with what we had - based on YOUR rules - because I wasn't ready for dating or a full blown relationship with anyone. I was completely focused on my own goals (and you know quite well what they were and still are) and it fit nicely. I wasn't expecting anything from you and was just enjoying it for what it was instead. I was in a good place. I knew there was no chance for us to be anything more than what we were and I was okay with that...finally.

Then you changed the rules on me as started to get closer to my goals. Why? Why did you all of a sudden start to take more of an interest me when you knew you have nothing to offer me except occasional companionship? I am at fault for allowing you take that step. Not only did you take that step, you shoved where I stood with you in my face through your actions. You still made me feel like I was nothing more than a very dark secret in your otherwise colorful life. The only thing you had to do was adjust your schedule and pick the show. You manipulated me into providing the rest and I think you did it on purpose. Why not be honest and tell me that we would need to split the evening due to your budget? You didn't have to manipulate the situation. Just tell it like it is and I would have been fine with it. I would've not only respected you more and felt comfortable, I would've gotten creative and also enjoy the show with you. I ended up feeling manipulated instead and it took all of the fun out of it for me. I probably would've even felt totally at ease with that woman who followed us around. I would've jokingly knocked you upside the head for playing into her antics instead of feeling uncomfortable watching you go crazy staring at her feet right in front of me. You made it so obvious that you were intrigued by her! Right in front of me no less! At the end of the evening I felt like either you or someone else set me up to go through that on purpose...to hurt me. It seem to follow a particular script. You're actions in the weeks following did as well. It's like each one of your movements in my presense was calculated to elicit a reaction out of me and not good ones. Why???!

In the end, I feel like you've done nothing but put me through test after test and nothing positive has ever come out of it. Everything still remained the same. It was still obvious where I stood in your life. Your over the top actions in this regard made that loud and clear. The only reason you began to step up your game with me was because you felt threatened that I might become interested in someone else that would be happy to give me the time and attention I deserve. What would happen to you when that occurred? Your free ride with me would've ended and force you start looking for someone else to hook. That takes a lot of work, energy and manipulation to do doesn't it? It's easier to try and hold onto what you have no matter how selfish it is. I am almost 100% positive that you've already started that long arduious process with someone new and my exit was probably perfectly timed as well. This is how your actions made me view you.

What have I learned from all of this? I've learned what I do want and need in a man who is my partner. I've learned that I will be able to spot an emotionally unavailable conflict avoidant manipulator from a thousand miles away. I've learned that I will never EVER tolerate a jealous man who thinks I run around spreading my legs for every man who pays attention to me or have to do business with. I find that DEEPLY insulting! I have integrity and I know how to draw boundaries when it is necessary. I resent even feeling the need to explain this to you, so I am not going to now or ever. Unless you prove to me I am completely wrong in thinking this way about you, I will view this whole online jealousy act as a ruse to keep me from finding someone who WILL treat me nicer than you ever have. Someone who will see me for the awesome person that I am! I don't care anymore about what happened in the first few years of knowing you. I don't care that you feel I am untrust-worthy. I know I am and the people that matter most in my life know that I am. I always have been when it comes to the relationships that matter to me both personally and professionally. And it's THEIR opinion that matters most to me as will the person that I CHOOSE to let into my life as my partner.

With you, it will always be something I'm doing wrong. Either I am going to have sex or I'm going to get emotionally involved with other men...you will never trust me. And you've made that abundantly clear by withholding everything I need to feel safe in this relationship or friendship or whatever the fck it was. I feel disgusted with myself for allowing you treat me this way. You've never taken the time to care enough about me to understand anything from my point of view. You were only worried about you and what you wanted and needed and how you could preserve that without giving much in return! You did that very well. I HATE that I allowed that to happen! I am disgusted by it all now. And finally, I am ANGRY!!!

I NEVER will allow a man that has the capacity to treat me that way into my life EVER again.

There you have it - what the beginning, middle and end looked like from my view.

This dark fairytale is done.

THE END.

:bunny:

One last thing I failed to mention. If you or your friends try to trash me or hurt me online ever again I will put an abrupt stop to it! Legally if I have to! So don't try to push me!

If you have something to say to me do it directly through normal means of communication. I will not tolerate ANYTHING else.

May 12, 2013

Goodnight sweety, I hope you've had a good night, I hope whatever your doing right now is making you happy, if it is then this breakup will all be worth while, you meant the world to me, your happiness and emotional well being is all that matters to me, being apart from you is breaking my heart but I'll be okay in the end, I know you'll make the right decisions in your life and I know one day you will find the right guy for you, you've always known where I stand with you and for now that hasn't changed, I love you and I miss you, I hope your enjoying your iPad, if anything I'm glad I was at least able to get you a nice birthday present before all this started, after getting an iPod again I think I would be lost without it, looking at it will always remind me of you.

May 12, 2013

It's my birthday today and I miss you so much. We had plans to spend it together. I still haven't received your gift yet and I'm leaving for Mexico in about 5 hours. It's been almost 3 weeks and I just think about how I envisioned today. Us together, you making me feel special, us doing all the things we so dearly love to do.

I miss you so much and I love you. I know you are with the other woman right now. I'm waiting for a message from you, anything, but I know it wont come. Why couldn't it have just been all real? If I had a birthday wish it's that the last 3 weeks were a nightmare. I'd wake up and you'd be here ion bed with me like normal. We'd ask each other how we both slept, play with our dogs, and you'd sleepily stumble into the bathroom. We'd plan out our day together. I miss you so much and I know I shouldn't. I just wish so badly you were here today. I wish so badly that we were together. I wish so badly that your words were true about loving me so deeply, but that your actions would reflect that.

I miss you Kyle, wherever you are, whatever you are doing. I'll always miss you.

May 12, 2013

Dear ...

How can you move on so easily? A new boyfriend in 3 weeks, but still contacting me about getting a cheap gift back you gave me. Why still bothering me after you broke up with me. And when you broke up you had nothing to say to me, why?

Do you hate me, or still love me?

May 12, 2013

Every morning is the same thing. After an awesome day of hanging out with friends and other people, I feel like I've moved on. And then I go to sleep, and you know what I didn't even have a dream about you. But I woke up to like 5 texts from E explaining how her family can be difficult about guys while I fell asleep in bed. And all I can imagine is you on the other freaking line! Why R? Why am I perpetually stuck every time I wake up with the thought of you. After all you did to me in the weeks after our break up, all the toying and all the selfishness, Why can't I get over this? You're irresponsible, immature, shortsighted, lazy and etc. but I loved you regardless of your flaws. I don't want to be like Gatsby, If I could recreate the past I would, but that's the wrong thing to do. I can't make you fall back into love with me, I shouldn't have to work for that. I did that before and after our relationship. The countless trips to the movies, trips to long island, restaurants, malls and etc. the visits to art museums, broadway shows, concerts, friends' houses, parks and etc. And yet all of that, and you get scared when I ask for commitment. When I ask you to be a bit more invested into us, be there when I need you, you shy away. You couldn't handle that you said it was too much. No it's not too much. All I ask for is what any other guy asks for; sex, help, and companionship. I just happen to be mature in valuing the last one the most. I hope you find what you are looking for in your quarter life crisis

May 12, 2013

Two days from now would have been our fifth anniversary. I had made some really big plans. This was supposed to be the best week of my life. We were going to celebrate our fifth anniversary and then Friday my graduation.

Sometimes I look back and question whether my decision was the right one. Maybe it would have been easier if I'd been dumped, because at least then I'd know that the decision was out of my hands and I had no say in it. But I did. I was unhappy and instead of sticking around and trying to fix it I gave up.

I try to remind myself that I gave up because I had to. I no longer had any hope or strength left in me to continue fighting for us. If only I'd been stronger, if I had listened to you when you begged me not to give up yet you'd still be here. I don't know how happy I would be, or how well things would be going but at least you'd be here.

I don't know how I feel. It's some kind of pain, but mostly I'm numb. I just miss you a lot, and it hurts when I realize that I will never see you again. I'm not crying like I was yesterday, but I'll probably cry tonight. I cry most days, no matter how much I try to hold it back and say I'm alright to all my friends and even to myself.

I hope I don't have to feel this pain for too long. I wanna get over you and move on with my life already.

May 12, 2013

I'm feeling a bit better today, but I'm still angry and need answers.

Is the person I saw for real? Did you consciously treat me like that for a reason? Or, were you just using me until you could win back your ex? If that was the case, do you understand that using people is WRONG?! Do you really think that's okay - as long as you get what you want out of it - to not care that your using someone?

You put me through h*ll to force me to see the impact of my actions - that's all well and good - but did you ever turn that spot light on yourself and YOUR actions? Did you ever see the impact they were having on me? Have you ever felt true remorse for what you did? It was NOT okay to put me through that due to the nature of our relationship. You had no right because it was never a real committed relationship in the first place. It was never allowed to get to that point. If we were married or in a "normal" committed relationship that is one thing, but we never were. We never got what we had off the ground in any real way! Don't you see that how you handled it was not normal under our circumstances?

Gosh, I was such a fool for putting up with it. I was too nice and trusted, with my heart, that there was a reason for it all and that you would eventually tell me. Now I'm left feeling like I was put through all of that, so someone else could reap the benefits. It was never about how you felt about me and that you cared; it was all for someone else. How can you sleep at night knowing this? How can you leave me hanging by not coming clean and telling me the truth?

I'm not asking these questions to throw anything in your face. They are valid questions. The puzzle is missing a piece and since it's so BIG I can't let it go. It haunts me. It was always in the back of my mind when I spent time with you. I have every right to feel this way. It was not normal! I know you know this! That's why I need answers. I WANT to let it go, so I can put this behind me and move on once and for all.

I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong about this. But it's hard to think of it in any other way. I accept responsibility for letting it happen because a normal person would have said, "you're nuts, screw you!" and walked. It helped me in that regard. I realized I had a lot of work to do - on me! No more tests, lesson learned and it's done!

That's it. Vent over.

Edited May 12, 2013 by avelonia2013

May 12, 2013

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand

Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am

And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again

You can tell me how vile I already know that I am

I'll grow old, start acting my age

It'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate

A crown of gold, a heart that's harder than stone

And it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not

I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state

You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way

And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down

Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out

It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room

When I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds

So call it quits, or get a grip

You say you wanted a solution; you just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not

I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget

So you can forget, you can forget

You are calm and reposed

Let your beauty unfold

Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones

Spring keeps you ever close

You are second-hand smoke

You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins

Holding on to yourself the best you can

You are the smell before rain

You are the blood in my veins

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not

I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget

May 12, 2013

I love you, whenever things went wrong, I was always honest and said "were not okay but we're gonna be, I always believed we would be, that was the strength the love I had for you have me, for the first time things aren't going to be okay and there never going to be, I'll miss you but I don't want you in my life anymore, I hope you find what your looking for and I hope all of this was worth it to find it, I don't hate you and I never would but I'm not your fool anymore.

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