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March 4, 2013

Well, I don't think you're coming back, and even if you did, I don't know if I would take you back. I broke your heart, and you broke mine in return. The end of a beautiful and tragic love.

Goodbye my beautiful

March 4, 2013

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting on with my life. Then I see something that reminds me of you. You destroyed everything, so much that I can't even enjoy memories of you. The only memories I have of us are your lies and your emotional abuse.

I wish I were next to you so I could spit on you.

March 4, 2013

Hey ****, many thanks for the way you chased me down when I tried to let you know I'd been avoiding dating for two years cos the last split did me in quite badly. Yeah, cheers for the way you constantly hung about me, flirted with me, touched me, massaged me, let me know how single you were, how you needed a man in your life and, in fact thanks for that time I was the only non-family member who came to visit you in hospital when you were sick, and thanks for finding me amusing and sweet then. Thanks for all the dates you promised me, thanks for the way you just pulled them away so quickly, cleanly, and surgically, thanks for being so f*cking beautiful (you know this fact, clearly), thanks for texting me and calling me constantly whilst on night shifts, day shifts, and I'm sorry that I replied to all your stuffs promptly, even though I was always busy, in fact I thank you for even assuming that I have the time for all that at work.

Thanks for using me as some kind of counselling service and thanks again for not really wanting to speak about issues at all, it's been v. helpful, albeit in a totally non-helpful fashion. Thanks for the constant eye flutters you gave me, the deep looks, the long conversations, the many compliments about my looks you made (there were so many).I also thank you for all the advice and support I gave you, the way you let me compliment you because you were feeling ugly, boring or useless, it was an honour to do that constantly, for an entire year. Thanks for the way you just seemed to jettison me whilst telling me you haven't deleted me from your phone, I'm still in there(!), thanks for the few weeks of no contact after I tried to pour my heart out to you. Thanks for reducing me from being a 100% happy me to this sad, sucking sap who feels even lower than a sex offender and doesn't even want to go back into work anymore.

It's over, innit?

(got to include the obligatory xxx, purely for authenticity.)

March 4, 2013

i don't know what's wrong with me lately... its been 8 months of strict NC and this week i find myself so weak, contently crying and always on the edge. As much as i hate to admit i miss you and everyone notices that but me being the person that i am, i keep telling everyone i'm ok when in fact I've been feeling like s**t lately. I know missing you is part of it, but realizing we went from the ideal couple to strangers hurts more than anything. I miss your friendship, your love, your company, who i was with you and just about everything about you.

I've come so far along within this process and i wont let a weak moment tear me apart for too long, but i just wanted to get things off my chest as i'm having a difficult time understand why all of a sudden i'm getting weak again. It's clear i'll never see your face again and accepting that is the hardest thing I've gone through. After all this time you would think i should be completely over you specially for how bad you broke my heart, but there hasn't been a single moment that i don't think about you. I have forgiven you for all the heartache, scars, and tears. I want nothing but for you to be happy even if it means being with her. I hope some day you can mature up and be man enough to face me.

Edited March 4, 2013 by SoConfusedAndInShock

March 4, 2013

I AM upset. But not for the reasons you think I might be.

I'm upset because I can see you are at least partially manipulating me again. Subconsciously you choose to do what you know bothers me and you create "reasons" for doing it. You're trying to make me hate enough to do something so bad that you can hate ME. Because you think it will not hurt if you hate me. And you think you can get another "victim" story out of it so that someone else will feel sorry for you as I did and succumb to your charming manipulative nature.

Well I'm not giving in to that. Won't do it. I will carry out my word regardless of what you do. But I will also not cut you any slack on your responsibilities either. You WILL be out of there by the allotted time, even if I have to get the sheriff to do it. Because that's where my word ends. I gave my word and I'm keeping it. But I will also go no extra miles for you.

Yes, you're "hurt and wounded". But it's not because you loved me - it's because you think of yourself as abandoned. You felt "entitled" to my love without having to do anything to keep it. I didn't abandon you. You chose to do things that showed me you did not love or care about me. You really believe someone should stick around and take care of you - that you are entitled because you're so poorly...

The health stuff is psychological. All the stuff you were too tired or too sore to do when I was with you - you are doing now. GET A JOB. BE RESPONSIBLE. Your sister and your ex-wife were right: you are just lazy. Because when you really want to do something, you are able to "suddenly".

You may indeed snag another fool to come into your life. The question is, will you ever snag another fool with the kind of resources I had? One that will be as good to you as I was? I rather doubt it. And without that, you will definitely have to either work or be homeless at some point.

So go have your fun. Attract more bad karma by continuing to be selfish and manipulate and see where that gets you. I've learned all there is to learn with you - sad to say it wasn't really from you I learned it. I learned it from researching how to live with an immature person.

You can't touch me. I've developed a back up plan you know nothing about. I WILL be able to disappear from you completely at a certain point. I have nothing more to "learn from you" except how to hurt - I know that now. And... when I write about you... which I will. You will be exposed for all to see.

March 4, 2013

Dear James.

I really do think I am a masochist. I seem to love the pain that torturing myself over you brings. I cannot help but think about you these past few days. I wonder what you're doing, who you're thinking about, who you're with.

Even my mother says i'm acting like a drug addict. You bring my highs and then you bring my extreme lows. You still text me randomly, asking me stuff and starting strange conversations. I just cannot work you out at all. What the f*ck do you want from me?

"You said move on, where do I go?"

You're the one that prevents me from moving on. Everytime I go without talking to you for a while, you get angry and text me numerous amounts of times saying "Ignorant" and "Why are you ignoring me?" ...

Wait that's not fair.. this is my fault too. I need to take responsibility for myself and my actions.

I'm ignoring you because I want this pain to stop! I want to wake up and not have dreamt about you all night. I want to drive to work and not look at your house and pine. I want to get on with my life. With or without you by my side.

I'm getting closer to giving you the ultimatum. I know i've been saying that for months now but I'm getting stronger as the days go by.

Still miss you a lot.

xxx

Edited March 4, 2013 by Minadee

March 5, 2013

Dearest Ana,

After 2 weeks of not really know what was going on or where this would be going I decided to go NC yesterday, and I let you know... we agreed not to talk for 2 months, then meet and see if we can work things out right before your birthday...

Only the first day has past and I was strong for the majority, then about 2 hours ago it hit me and I just felt sick to my stomach. I'm doing all the right things, I haven't logged into facebook, looked at my phone all day, put my pictures of you in my room away, and I started a work-out regiment to gain more muscle before I see you, but I know that's not the reason I should be doing that.

Don't get me wrong... I want nothing but to have you run back into my arms, and despite how tempted I am to get a hold of you I only know it would backfire... I hope you meant it when you said you don't want to loose us, that you'll always love me more than anyone or anything and said you said you don't want either of us to be seeing or thinking of anyone else until we meet again, it made me trust you, because I know I won't be seeing anyone, I hope that agreement was true and you hold it to your heart.

Of course I want you back, but I put my foot forward enough and now it's your turn, find yourself, miss me, decide what you want, because for now, I need to move on, and get on with my life. But sadly, it pains me to say I would take you back in a heart beat... You need to do an awful lot of fighting for me if that's what you end up wanting, I have more self-respect than that.

I just hope I don't break, it gets harder every time you appear online on skype or whenever I had my phone with me, I have to throw it away somewhere and leave my computer room when I see you're online... don't get me wrong though... I want nothing but to have you call me... but only if you mean it... I can't be strung along.

I guess I'm just confused... we have been together 3 and half years and it has been wonderful every step of the way. I wish you spoke out to me sooner when you had problems or doubts... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. This is too hard for me, but I can never let you know that.

I love you, so much more than anything... but I got to get over you, even if part of me is selfishly doing this in hopes you'll want me back, but I know I can't go there, in case you don't... Please reach out to me and come to the decision to want me back soon, other wise I'll have to do the hard thing of moving on... but I know that's what I really need to and should do.

March 5, 2013

All I want is for you to show up at my doorstep, hell even text me, that you made a mistake and you can't live without me and you want to marry me and spend the rest of your life with me. I offered you that and more!! You were so insecure and jealous and thought that every woman was checking me out and that I you wee not in my league when you were the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I would have never in a million years wanted another. You filled me up and took me to a place I dreamed of exsisted but no one ever could take me there.

But you are a coward. You cannot accept my love because you think I will find someone better and leave you and you would rather leave now than just give me all of you because you cannot trust. You never could see how much I love you. How I would have done anything for you and been true to you and made you my wife and enjoyed every minute of life with you! You took it away from me. I know you would never ever really be mine because you never truly saw yourself with me, you always had a reason why you were not "good enough" or "pretty enough" for me. Damn it woman you were all I see!!!! You still are.... but I can't see you because you ran away from me to save you from yourself. I thought I was strong but youmake me weak. There will never be anyone for me like you. God I wish you could have just seen that. I know I didn't always make it easy but I always wanted you and I know I showed you, God knows I told you. I wanted to grow old with you. See the world with you. Forget what it feels like to sleep alone because our perfect symmetry is all I knew. I love you. I always will. I wìll never contact you again and I hope you come to the realization one day that I would have been yours forever. But you pushed me away.

March 5, 2013

I'm still so mad at you.

I hate that I am still so in love with you.

I hate that you have so much disgusting pathetic dysfunction inside of you. I hate that you led me to believe in a reality between us.

I hate that you make me feel bad for being in love with you, like it is a flaw in me.

You are the one who is ****ed up.

You are the one who is missing out on something wonderful.

You are the one who is literally choosing a life of unhappiness.

I am so ****ing tired of this pain.

I am so upset that I am so ****ing weak and can't just let you go.

I pray I will find my power in life again.

I pray I will make it through a day without thinking of your face.

I pray the dreams and nightmares of you will finally stop.

It was ****ing selfish of you to email me on valentines day after 2 months of nothing. Just to remind me of losing you. I don't want your ****ing love and light.

I just want to be my true authentic self again.

Hence why I'm writing here and will not give you the satisfaction of knowing the agony I'm still enduring.......................

March 5, 2013

Hi J,

Just thought I would drop you a quick note to tell you that I had to come up with another PC, BS answer for our daughter (who is 4). It has been 6 months now but I got all watery eyed when I told her that mommy and daddy were just going to be friends. When she asked me who's fault it was I said it was nobody's fault so you don't need to worry; poisoning a young child is more your speed. She actually told me she was tired of going back and forth, God, what do I say to that? She said that she just wants us back together. The part that sucks is that deep down, I am moving on and getting over you, but nights like tonight make me realize that I was so happy and content when we were together. I wonder: will you ever tell her the truth what really happened? Will she ever know how you dismantled our relationship, family, and life for your own selfish needs? I highly doubt it, you are a coward like both your parents, maybe it IS genetic. This site is better than trying to ever get anything from you.

Oh, how did the night turn out? That little burst of pain my daughter and I both shared only lasted 10 minutes (but it seemed like a lifetime) and we worked it out and went on to a great night.

March 5, 2013

I read a few of the recent letters here. They all sound so bitter. I am glad that mine isn't. It makes me feel stronger than I probably am. Or maybe I am really this strong. This comes from my heart.

Dear Oliviera,

It's been 5 days since we said goodbye at the train station since you whispered you loved me, since I last saw you, since we last spoke. Not even a week it's been, but it feels like way more time has passed by. The fact that your very last words to me were "I love you" eases my mind. I've been thinking a lot about those 24 hours we spent together last week and my heart and mind have been actively partaking on a roller coaster of some sorts. But I didn't feel any motion sickness, in fact, I felt very happy, content and in love over the past few days.

I hope your work is not stressing you too much and that you get some moments to breathe, to relax, to have Oliviera time. And I also hope you've had some time to think about what happened and that you had positive feelings about our meeting as well.

All I know is that I've never felt more in place with you than during those hours. You opening up to me was a huge relief for me. I could barely believe that you finally made that step. I guess it helped that you took a step back from the situation we were in before, and that now saying these things seems a bit easier, since, even if I give you **** for it, you don't feel pushed in a corner by me, because I am not your girlfriend anymore, who supposedly expects things from you, expects you to be perfect, and all that. But I want you to know, I never expected from you to be perfect. It is perhaps something I communicated, and maybe it is something I subconsciously thought, but I really don't ever want you to be somebody you are not. I want you to be happy. I know I make you happy and I know when we are together like we were in those 24 hours we are able to give each other a lot. A lot of love, a lot of understanding, support and reassurance. I've never felt more loved by you!!! I've never felt more understood. I've never felt as in place. Except perhaps during that moment that I hugged you on the train to the Baltic Sea.

To me, it is clear that we belong together. That we will have a future. That there is something special between us that we will never have with other people. I know you said you want to be alone, and yes, even though I believe that this is a false feeling you have, I think I will be able to give you the time that you need to figure out yourself, your problems, your desires and future plans.

But I want you to know, that even though I love you with all my heart, I might not be able to wait forever.

I won't go away, I told you that. But if you, for example, in 2 or 3 years still wont have figured out what it is you want/need, then I might have moved on, most likely unwillingly, but these things happen.

I will never stop loving you. But I want to give you all the time you need, so just know that there is no pressure from my side.

The fact you are going to India for 6 months is haunting me. I know it might be good for you. It is in fact a great work opportunity, I believe, and perhaps you will be able to find some more peace while you are there, for yourself, and to find more self acceptance, become more calm inside, and not just to the outside (like I always misread your behaviors... I am so sorry).

I will love you while I am apart from you now. I will love you if you go to India, while you are India, when you come back from India. My thoughts are with you every day. I replay our most beautiful moments in my head and it makes me smile.

I know you love me, and knowing that I have your love gives me some peace.

But it's not the same as being with you.

Because being with you is true happiness. It is what makes my heart whole.

There are different ways people can be together. There are different ways to reassure someone of their love. I believe you and me are best when we are in the same place. Being away from each other creates conflict. But I have learned now that there is more to our love than just what we had in the past year. I understand you so much better now and I think I want to go on this new path with you where we are truly honest with each other about everything. I won't condemn you for your mistakes, I won't hate you for things you do that might hurt me. All I know is, the moment I hold your head, look in your eyes and kiss your head, that I am able to be there for you and make you feel good, and that is the most amazing feeling in the whole world, the best feeling I've ever had.

You are amazing, and even though you are going through a difficult time right now, I know we will be able to find to each other again. Hopefully sooner than later, my love.

I love you.

La Maga

Edited March 5, 2013 by lamaga

March 5, 2013

I wanted to respond to you on Sunday night I told you that I didn't want to be friends and that I didn't think we should have contact - and you seemed okay with it. Or at least, you thought it preferable to being in a relationship with me. So why, now that it's happening, are you suddenly not okay with it? I really wish you'd just stop being so confused, because it's confusing me and it's just dragging things out.

Your message didn't even contain an "I miss you." I mean - I hate the way you try to reach out to me and just pretend that nothing has happened and that things are dandy and we're just friends.

I was in love with you. I'm still in love with you. We aren't friends.

March 5, 2013

Some say quitting drugs is the hardest thing in the world, but I say try staying away from someone you love... because that is the worst feeling in the world.

I never imagined the term "if you take things for granted, they usually get taken away" could reflect my situation so well. I met you by luck, we instantly clicked. I was a broken man, you saw me through that and still loved me for me. Me on the other hand, saw everything else besides you. I was confused, i diden't know what i wanted. I treated you as a friend, not as a girlfriend, and I hate my self for that everyday. You gave me love, and I took it for granted.

I named her 'Birdy', because she would wake me up early in the mornings, and sure I would get mad... but she always put a smile on my face. And after the break up, as days went on, the loneliness came through and those silent nights.... well, those got to me. How can i let someone that special go? she changed me, she made me a happier person, and now look at me... I am a broken man with anger inside and no one else to blame but himself.

I'm trying my best to get you back, but i cannot chase you forever. All i want is a second change, if you let me back in.. I promise i will make everyday special for you.

March 5, 2013

Hey B:

I was going to come to the Lou for St. Patricks day and wanted to know how much you charge for a weekend rate on a holiday?

Oh? That's all? I was willing to pay twice that, you filthy whore. Go F yourself and what ever old D-bag you find willing to give you money for your skank ass.

Eventually, I'll get it through my thick head that you're a user and didn't care for me like you once said. When that day comes, you will still be an unemployed whore raising a kid by yourself. Enjoy.

Me.

March 5, 2013

You know what would make me feel good?

You, coming back on your knees, pleading me to take you back because you messed up big time. You're just an immature little girl and I would laugh to your face.

Then you'd ask what could you do to prove me that she really messed up: the answer would be nothing. I could get a lot of amusement from receiving her apologizing letters, to have her mom call me and ask me to give her daughter a second chance, to see her life crumble without me. Still, I could not get past the fact that she dated other people and I would not give it a second shot.

--------

None of this will ever happen...just a brutal vent

March 6, 2013

Two weeks NC I miss you, didn't think I would. But I do!

March 6, 2013

when they say 'everything is gonna be alright' i swear it hurts more in every way

March 6, 2013

Who am I to you?

What do I need to do to make you understand that

I am as good as it will ever get?

March 6, 2013

Gosh, I have so many things I'd like to say to the one who stole and broke my heart. I have had no contact with him for 2 months. I am the one who told him that if he chose not to continue the relationship (I won't go into the reasons - I've seen too many posters on these forums bashed because people here don't approve of their relationships) I would never contact him again. I am true to my word. It's been hard though. I guess it's getting easier, the more time passes, but sometimes I sit and stare at my cell phone and think about texting him a "hi" or calling him to say hi or emailing him to say hi and see how he's doing - but I won't. When I think like that, I usually try to find something else to keep me busy. It still hurts though. I was so in love with him, and he with me, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship just would not permit our relationship to flourish.

I know it may seem lame, but our breakup feels like the feelings I had when a very close family member died. It hurts so bad. I never even had the chance to say goodbye to this person (not the dead person - okay, well, I didn't get to say goodbye to him either). He told me (via telephone) he was leaving to go back to his home state. I asked him when he was going and he said "tomorrow morning". I feel like there was never any closure, even though if I did have the opportunity to say goodbye, it would still have sucked!!!

I am trying to get over him and all of this emotional stuff, but I am still in love with him. I wonder if he's suffering as much as I am. Probably not. Hes a guy and he's probably already moved on and probably doesn't even remember my name!!! Yeah, I'm obsessing over nothing.

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know that your post really spoke to me. I know that you wrote this piece way back in 2007, but I also found myself in same predicament with my ex as you were. She was my first love.

We were together for 13 years before she decided to end it with me...over the phone I might add. A lot of different circumstances and events (different religion, moving away, careers) shaped our relationship. We went to highschool and university together, she moved away for school and I stayed near home. We managed from 2002-2007 a long distance relationship...but in the end...it just didnt work.

Now here I am....6 years later... married for 2 years now to an amazing woman and we just our first child 5 months ago. I'm happy with where my life has gone, and I wouldnt change anything for the world....but there are days where thoughts of my ex and our relationship wash completely over me. I get so deep in thought about what and where she is, or what shes doing, or if she even thinks about me...that it gets difficult to function. Even 6 years later and these days still hurt me quite a bit. The feeling is exactly how you felt in your above post. I just re-feel all the pain.

I've moved on physically...but a part of my emotional well being has to do with my ex. Its unbelievable how she plays a part in my life.

Even still...I REFUSE to contact her under any circumstance. What would be the point? Why should I? Calling her for closure is the last thing I would do. I would rather her think that I havent thought about her in years than know the truth. I've just accepted the fact that I will always have some kind of love for her and will mourn the ending of our relationship.

So...I guess you can understand why your post spoke to me so deeply. I just wanted to know how your holding up? Did you end up moving on? Are you happy? Did you ever speak to your ex again? Im very curious about how people move on....I hope you dont mind me asking.

Thanks for listening. Take care.

J

March 6, 2013

That was my first post! Never wrote anything ever about my ex before.

March 6, 2013

Ohhh ****! I wanted to go to a cool party tonight but now that I look at the event my ex will be there -.- now I don't know what to do, pfffff

March 6, 2013

Just looked at the clock. This time 2 years ago, we were walking happily together holding hands on our first 'date' since getting back together 2 days previously, and we recreated our first actual date.

My hand has never felt emptier. I miss you, my love, and is saddens me so much that this day will not even enter your thoughts, much like me I expect.

March 6, 2013

...........

Edited March 6, 2013 by nada2013

March 6, 2013

R, my baby.. miss you so much so much, i close my eyes and i see you, it feels a bit better, words cannot express the amount of emotions that have come with trying to let you go, its almost a year and its still hard for me to grasp that your really gone. i miss your voice. i miss your smile, your nervousness & your comforting ways. i am missing you so incredibly much

March 6, 2013

I'm afraid -- I know you need your space, and rightly so, but the fear of us forgetting each other scares me to death. The thought of losing my love and emotions for you haunts me, but it is slowly becoming reality. I want to message you so bad, i just want to hear your voice... but I.. I don't what I could say to 'fix' us

I was told the best way to fix a broken relationship is time and space, but I am starting to believe that was all made up for us to move on and forget. I'll be honest, my feeling are slowly fading away, the thought of forgetting you..kills me.

The worst feeling is that I feel like the 'bad guy' who destroyed the relationship. But tell me this, everyone can change so why cannot I ? Am i really that bad of a person that you lost your faith in me?

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