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February 21, 2013

Well, here we are. I have been gone from the house and what I thought was our perfect family for 6 months. I have to say my first 4 months was a complete blur; I didn't think I would survive. I tried being friends then I cut you off, I know we have a child together, but being friends will not be possible because you betrayed me so bad. I used to wonder if you had any idea how bad you devastated me by cheating, I don't think about it much anymore as I am sure you really don't care, and even if you did it wouldn't make things any better.

I dismissed the divorce so you could buy your new house, my friends say I have been too nice during this whole process. Maybe they are right, but I see no point in getting belligerent. I have done everything I have needed to do, now you need to do what I need you to do. Today is the day we will meet at the lawyer's office and "sign off" on re-filing the divorce. Please let me go now so in 91 days I can be divorced and get on with my new life.

February 22, 2013

I feel like this is so easy for you After everything, you're up and moving on like nothing has happened. I feel sometimes like I can barely function - but for you, nothing has changed. You live your life the exact same way you did before. Tonight, I'm filled with anger at you for walking away from the relationship and leaving me in so much pain.

February 22, 2013

You never treated me right. You behaved selfishly and didn't want to care for me. You were lying when you said you wanted me to be happy. You acted like a nice person, but actually you did nice things for me so you can feel good about yourself and think you're a decent person. You kept chucking out the word 'unsure' , hoping that I would make the decision that you don't dare to make. Well I've finally made it. I don't want to be friends, I want you out of my life as much as I can. I will not get back with you unless you seriously sort yourself out and prove it to me.

February 22, 2013

just wish we could put it all behind us and you'd come over to our friends place tomorrow night and we could watch a movie and get comfy on the couch. wish we could hold hands again and i'd walk you to your car and kiss you good night. I love you. i'm sorry I made you feel the way you did towards the back end of the relationship. you made me understand how I made you feel recently and I just wish we could talk about this and repair it, rather than replacing each other.

I know you said you don't want a relationship right now and that you love and miss me. but waiting around for you is as unfair as asking me to find somebody better.

i'm struggling tonight I wish you'd just call or text me.. i'm trying to get this thought out of my mind, every time I see you I just fall to pieces. i'm really really trying my hardest to eat and sleep. but i'm struggling. I've had passed relationships and I can see myself moving on.. but you was a really good girl and lots of fun to be around. you'll be difficult to get over. i'll cry about this for a long time.

February 22, 2013

Today feels so hard. For the first time in 15/20 days, I dreamed about her and we were happy. We were on our bed and she was laughing

Maybe it's because I got sick on wednesday, there's a huge snowstorm here so basically I'm a prisoner at home until (I hope to go out) tomorrow. This sucks.

There's this girl who likes me and who would like to make love with me (we already did once) and probably we are going to do it again tomorrow evening, but man... it just feels so unfair. It's just something I do to stop thinking for 30 minutes, to raise my self-confidence... some days I feel so hopeless. I'm also thinking more before falling asleep.

February 22, 2013

I hate you. I can’t believe I hate you. And I hate you and myself even more, because I don’t hate you 100%. I hate myself, because there’s a part of me, that still has positive feelings about you.

I hate you, because you’ve destroyed me. Before you, I was nice to people, I didn’t hate people, I had dreams about the future, about love, about saving the world, about having a happy life. I was careful, I didn’t open up to people, I didn’t trust them, I was reserved. I opened up to you, I trusted you like never before. You told me to trust, you told me not to be insecure, to not be jealous, and then you cheated on me, a couple of days before my birthday, saying you loved me. You didn’t tell me for 2 months, and when you did, you tested me if i would stay, you gave me a trickle truth, and you manipulated me. You waited because you wanted me to fall in love with you, so I’d stay with you if I found out.

You were a conniving, evil bitch, and even worse, you made feel so happy. I wish I knew that immeditaely, and perhaps I’d be smart enough to leave you immediately. I hate you so much, you lied to me, you cheated, you destroyed my confidence, my health, you told me you wanted to have aids, after i had told you i didn’t want to have unprotected sex again. you wanted to have aids, so i’d contract from you.

you tried or pretended to commit suicide while in the car with me before i stopped you...

you stayed in contact with him, and in the end you had the audacity to leave me and tell me that you couldn’t forgive yourself if you never gave yourself a chance to be with him...

and then you wanted to be friends, and when i tried to stop talking to you, you told me that your feelings have not gone completely, again trying to manipulate me.

i’ve always, always, been honest to you. i stayed when you screamed at me daily to find someone better, when you were taking antideprresants every day, when you felt alone in the world, when you didn’t want to do anything, when you cheated, when you lied, when you broke up with me several times, when you manipulated me, and in the end you left me?! for him?! wanted to be friends, wanted to still manipulate me, and you wanted me to get hiv from you, and humiliated me by givin me a excuse of “forgetting” how you cheated on me.

you filled me with pain, mistrust, anger, anguish, hate, disgust, sadness, hopelessnes, fear, uncertainty, meanness, and i’m angry and afraid of when i’ll be able of having normal relationships, and feel good about myself.

i hope that very soon, you will become completely and utterly insignificant to me, that i won’t give a thought anymore about you, that i’ll be indifferent. i don’t want to spend one more moment thinking about you, feeling about you. i don’t want you to ever think we’ll be friends or that i’ll ever acknowledge you again.

i don’t trust you anymore. i don’t believe you. and i hate you because a part of me still wants to believe you, despite you lying to me for so long and so often. you’re a bastard for using me, abusing me, throwing me away and then wanting to be friends. i hate you. i hate you, and i hope that soon i’ll forget you, and that you will mean nothing to me. i am beyond words about how i feel, but i hate you. i've screamed because of you, i started drinking because of you, i cried because of you when i didn't cry for 10 years before, i've run myself into the ground trying to make you feel not like a nobody or a bad person, i did everything i could, and what did i get in return? i hate you.

Edited February 22, 2013 by Calvin's wagon
edited out all the inappropriate words. i apologize, i got so mad i didn't think about censoring myself.

February 22, 2013

7 weeks today since you left.I miss you so badly.Try to kid myself that I'll be ok,and i guess i will be eventually....I have no choice. Nothing feels right without you here,you "moved on"and I'm left with the memories. I sit on the sofa and wish you were next to me.I make myself dinner and remember how you used to cook for us.I go into town and pass all the places we used to go.Turn on the t.v. and see a show we watched. Hear people planning weddings and remember our plans.Do you EVER think of me? Do you remember all the things you said,the promises you made? I was supposedly the love of your life and you wanted us to grow old together and die in my arms. I dont hate you for what you did,I know you'd been in an impossible situation for a long time,but the way you left was incredibly hurtful,and I wish you talked to me more about what was going thru your head. I guess that was our problem,wasnt it?? When we got together we were so happy to both find someone we could talk about anything to. Except that wasn't quite true.....we could both talk about the good things and about how much we loved each other,but as soon as times got difficult,we'd both back off,unsure of what to say for risk of upsetting each other,or ourselves. Now it's too late,I can see that,I wonder if you can too? Every day I fight the almost irresistable urge to contact you. You've never tried to contact me and I wonder if thats because you're sure you've done the right thing and there's no point in speaking to me....or if you're not sure,but,having made your decision, you're too self disciplined to tell me. For my sanity,I have to assume it's the former,and somehow try to get over you....God knows how!

February 22, 2013

12 days NC. Hope you're doing OK. I miss you. Hope you miss me too. Thank you for making me happy at a time when I really needed it. We drew each other out of sadness, and it was beautiful. We taught each other what a good, warm relationship can be like. You told me it was the "perfect relationship," and we ended it before it could be anything but that. Thank you for retreating when the beauty began to fade. I knew the decision had to be made - but you were the one who approached it. I'm glad we were able to talk it out and discuss it. I'm glad we were able to cry and hug and thank each other. It was the right time, and it was the right decision. I still miss you and think of you every day, and I hope you're doing well, and I hope that you find the person that will make you truly happy someday, that will never make you feel lonely. Thanks to you, I know that I will find that person someday too. You helped me grow, and I know I helped you grow too. Thank you for the memories, and I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. Thank you for hugging me and telling me you'd miss me too, as tears poured down your face. So here we are, not talking and missing each other - but knowing, even in the sadness, that it was the right thing to do.

February 23, 2013

please call me

February 23, 2013

............................

Edited February 23, 2013 by nada2013

February 23, 2013

I still like you. You're all messed up and you're really selfish and you cared for me at your own convenience. But I still like you. I can't ever be with you again, I know this now, because I want to treat myself right and be good to myself and respect myself. But I still like you, I still like Tommie, the tomato plant you gave me.

February 23, 2013

Everything you did to me still bothers me. It still hurts. But I continue to pity you. I'm sorry you are so completely unhealthy that you simply can't get it together. I know you didn't ask to be born a compulsive liar and to be born without a conscience. I know you didn't ask to be born so dysfunctional.

I'm sorry your life is such a mess and that people continue to turn you away. I'm sorry you have no remorse for the things you do. I know, I know, you never asked for that type of terrible personality.

I want to reach out to you and change you, make you better. But you are evil and so I stay away.

February 23, 2013

How did I get this absurdly attached to you? Hah, brevity notwithstanding, I'm a wreck. Robbers to my thoughts.

February 24, 2013

take me back! take me back!! TAKE ME BACK!!! please please please take me back....

give us another chance- talk to me...lets fix whatever was broken, together. why did you just walk away without trying...

February 24, 2013

You never showed your true self to me, but I believe its there. Deep inside, there is someone who has dreams, hopes, expectations, wants, needs, he has flaws and makes mistakes and can feel scared. Maybe you really dislike this weak person. I don't know because you've never shown me who he is. You show me and the world a strong, tough, independent, plenty of achievements, busy with hobbies person. But behind this mask, there is nothing to love. You never gave me a chance to love that guy inside. You don't want to risk, you don't want to grow up and take responsibility. And maybe, I won't like that guy inside. I never got to know him so I won't know.

February 24, 2013

One things that hurts the most right now is knowing you're with her right now.

Instead of me. That kills.

I hate the fact you lied, about wanting to marry me. Telling my sisters you where going to propose.

And I hate the fact you said it was my fault. It was all my fault.

You are most likely wondering why I have fallen off the face off social networking sites..

Because I know you will try check up on me, and I dont want that.

You dont deserve to see how I am. Same as I dont want to see about you and her. your happy life. The fact you have taking her child on as your own.

Where we not talking about children 4 months ago, we had everything planned, Or at least I did.

You where a coward thinking I would never find out about her, your bit on the side and now your new girlfriend.

And I hated you playing guitar you where good but bloody'ell, you where annoying.....!!!

I hope someone robs all your guitars you piece of craaapp

February 24, 2013

Been a while since my last post as i have been doing pretty **** hot to be honest in every aspect of my life besides the dating one.

I know it'll pick up in time and ill meet someone that fits with me when the times right.

I keep going through these waves of suffering i guess as i cannot think of a better word to describe it. My jobs amazing my new homes amazing my new friends and work mates are amazing but something missing.

For some reason i find myself comparing my life to yours at ever stage in the game, I find it really irritating that i perceive it to be and i know tis not true that women can find a new partner so easily while men even good looking sucessful ones struggle to get a new partner, this is more of a ramble that a constructive thought process so i apologize for anyone reading this.

My ex just picked up and moved onto a new person so quickly and easily somoene so different from myself and it changed her into the type of person she claimed to hate.

Dating him so freely and appearing so happy, this is seems to be the case for all the people round me aswell the girls literally seem to be able to take the pick of the crop as they see fit and move on with taht eprson likedy split.

yet ere i am in a new job a new area of the country and no connections that are interested in me as a person despite me being interested in them

Its been over a year now since she upped and left to start her new life leaving me in ruins.

I know this is all caused by my own impatients but you know waht im ready to be happy i want to be happy with someone to share it all with.

This is not to say im not content with myself i am im extremely happy with me and how i lead my life and how i manage the day to days i have fun i do exciting and new things all the time but for some reason beyond my reckoning i am just not meeting anyone that reciprocates my wish for a relationship.

Strange as it is i just want someone to lavish over and this is what leads me back to those feeling that make me want to trawl for any snippets of information that will let me connect back to waht i used to have.

Not to say i want to get back with her now as that ship has sailed shes made her bed and she can lie in it till the end of time.

I think im more annoyed with the fact that she has in my eyes been rewarded for being so despicable and inhumane in the past to be where she is now, yet i have worked so damn hard and i still havent got the thing that was stolen from me back..

Sigh Rushing as per normal picking myself up i wont bother making any kind of contact just helps to come on here and rant once in a while.

So to sign off, Up yours your still cleaning hotel rooms and im jet setting round the country Ill meet someone thatll blow everyone else outa the water and well have the most amazing life together, just gota be patient i guess!

February 25, 2013

I don't have much to say CRE but what I do want to say is you asked for space. I have it to you. That was total bs. You broke up with me through text. What u do not respect me enough to tell me in person? I treated you so great like I have every woman in my life. I loved you and I treated you like a man should treat a woman. We shared so many great memories and was looking forward to create and share more. I have no idea wtf happened. You make me angry because you do not respect me in any way and I had so much respect for you. In trying to come back and see where you were at you called me a distraction. Just come out and say it you found someone. I get it. Don't lie to me about it. What I did to deserve this I will never know. I loved you and you know you were treated so great. Thanks for going about things the wrong way. You showed me who you really are and how easy you bail on people

Love the guy you dropped ......but is in day 37 of nC and that text from me is not coming!

February 25, 2013

Your a c**t, I hope you and your conscience - or lack or one! - rot in Hell, you lying piece of ****!

February 25, 2013

Day 11 of break up, Day 7 of NC and I haven't heard from him. As usual you are the first person I think about in the morning. I keep wondering if you are thinking about me or did you send me to the wayside like you have done the others in your past. I keep wondering in my mind what grand plan you have to get me back, but as the days go by I am beginning to realize that you are not coming back and you don't want to hear from me that's why you didn't answer my calls. I get it now. I am giving you and myself 30 days and your window is closed and my heart will close for good. You didn't care about my pain or heartache, then clearly you don't care about me. I don't want your friendship.

February 25, 2013

It's been less than a month since you broke up with me and memories are already becoming hazy. I keep thinking of a weekend break we went to together once..where we barely left the room, even though it was so hot in there, because we couldn't get enough of each other. But I can't remember anything else...where did we go? When was it, exactly? I can't even recall anything, not even a year. All I know is that I want to be back there.

February 25, 2013

One things that hurts the most right now is knowing you're with her right now.

Instead of me. That kills.

I hate the fact you lied, about wanting to marry me. Telling my sisters you where going to propose.

And I hate the fact you said it was my fault. It was all my fault.

You are most likely wondering why I have fallen off the face off social networking sites..

Because I know you will try check up on me, and I dont want that.

You dont deserve to see how I am. Same as I dont want to see about you and her. your happy life. The fact you have taking her child on as your own.

Where we not talking about children 4 months ago, we had everything planned, Or at least I did.

You where a coward thinking I would never find out about her, your bit on the side and now your new girlfriend.

And I hated you playing guitar you where good but bloody'ell, you where annoying.....!!!

I hope someone robs all your guitars you piece of craaapp

good one.....hang in there

February 25, 2013

its been 1.5 years since you dumped me for the second time & i dont know why every now & then you STILL text me to say you need to speak to me when your drunk...as usual you say sorry the next day when you sober up & that the message was meant for someone else.....ill never respond to you because im over you....now leave me alone as i dont know where youve been **** for brains....

February 25, 2013

First day in just under 90 days since BU, I haven't cried.

I feel like this is a break through.

You're not worth the tears.

February 26, 2013

just been looking through our wedding photos. we were so happy

Was and always will be the best day of my life

i`m hurting so much. i miss you so much.

I hate it that we are no longer together

I know there will never be anyone else that can replace you

i`m destined to die alone

i wish i could talk to you right now, maybe i want you to see the pain i am in

but there`s no point is there?

i miss you hunny

so much:(

aM

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