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Posted

Joshua,

 

I miss you. It sucks that we still love each other but can't be together. I wish I could just have you in my arms because I'm so sad to be alone.

 

I hate watching other people be happy knowing that even despite what we went through we had to break up. I want to talk to you so bad but I know I can't until I have something positive to say.

 

I hate everyone and everything. I just want to give up. The last three years have been absolute hell, and I just want it all to stop. I've lost you in the end and lost my dad and my best friend and now I have no place to live and I'm not doing well in school. Nothing is worth this pain. You were the only thing that made me feel like it was all going to be alright in the end. Why did I have to lose you too?

 

I love you.

Posted

Dear you,

 

I took something with you last night that impaired my judgment and my resistance. I can't believe I had sex with you after two months of nc. And I was doing so well too. I won't regret it, because I felt one and whole with you and that moment in time, but it did bring a lot of emotional pain that I have been getting over. At one point, I started crying because I knew you were so unreachable, that I couldn't have you, that I couldn't hold you like I wanted to. That today would probably be the last time I kiss you, and hold you like you're something more than a friend now. Of course the way our relationship was, breaking up was the best option for the both of us. I just wish we could've been different, we could've been something more. I loved you so much, I wish you felt the same. But when I see you hesitating about being in a relationship, I know nothing would change. We didn't work out for a reason, and it sucks that its just not the right time for you and me. I hope this is the last time we do something so intimate, without being in a relationship. And I'm glad you didn't lose respect for me because of this. I want to let you go so badly.

 

Heart, please let him go. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Posted

Dear Patrick.

 

I'm writing you here instead of responding to you. It's 730 in the morning. I was having this dream about you and I attempting to reconcile, but I was hesitant because of how you left me and jumped into another girls arms immediately. I think I was going to tell you my answer is no.

 

I was happy. I could say no to you, even if its only a dream. I was in your arms and it felt nice. Then I woke up. With only our dog beside me lol. Reality. I lied here for a while wondering what would happen if that dream was real. Would I really tell you no? Or would I put my heart out there and let you crush it all over again.

 

That's when I checked my phone, for the time. Wouldn't you know. There's a text from you. "I want some of you..." It's always about the sex. Weren't you with her earlier? When I drove past your house? You're disgusting. Trying to have your fill of two girls in one night. You aren't getting any from this girl, Patrick, not even a reply.

 

Rethinking this forever thing.

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Posted

I forgot how difficult it was to resume this whole no contact thing. My urges of acting like I'm in a relationship with you is ridiculously strong. I'm being silly, when I feel like this, I always seem to forget how much you hurt me, or how you really treat me when we're together. And that has never changed, and most likely won't until later down the road. I miss you and I still have feelings, rather what we did that night rekindled whatever I felt. I can't give you the benefits of a relationship without one, its just not right. Hearing your sweet, genuine words that night really seemed to erase much of my bitterness. But I think that might be the last time I hear those things.

 

Oh thats right, I still remember. You wanted to grow with someone else, but not me. Sigh, theres no use in crying over spilled milk, or you. There's no point in wishing things could be different, because its not. There's no use in feeling these feelings because I won't act on them. There's no use in most of these things that are my thoughts of you. I wish I was enough for you, but I know I'm not.

 

But I know sooner or later things will look bright again, I'll be able to look up again, and everything will be okay again.

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Posted

I miss you so much. I can't believe you just cut me out of your life like this. When did you stop loving me? Why? Was there anything I could have done to change things?

 

I feel so miserable without you. Please come back. I need you.

Posted

Living here sucks. Being around you and watching you move on is the hardest thing i ever had to do.

 

Yestersay was your birthday, you went out with your new love... and did not come home. So here i am, tossing and turning and trying not to think of you and her together while i lay here alone.

 

This really sucks and it hurts worse to know you do not care at all.

Posted

Dear A.

 

It has been five months since that day we split and you have landed on your feet and had an exciting time and a few cool adventures. You have the business that we built running and you had a good first season in this new adventure. I have been very much erased from the story. I am left to get on with my life but I invested everything in you. everything. I loved you but you were mean at times...sometimes I believe you were trying to get me to be more motivated and I tried very hard to act accordingly. but it seemed that it always came back to bite me. I reasoned that my strategies were pretty solid and I knew in a way what I was doing. I wanted to work and get a better salary and you said me working at anything but our business or my freelance work would be stupid. anytime I did try to follow my instincts you seemed to find fault with them. in the end you tell my best friend one of the reasons we broke up was because I did not work. Yeah, I worked for you on your business and you paid me. it was awful..in a way...to be in your employ...but I did it. It also un-did us. but, you never really gave me another option. it was weird because as hard as I tried to maintain my dignity..you even paid me in an undignified way for the good, honest work I did for your business. how screwed up is that? but, I was over the top sometimes, too. I demanded that you saw or realized how disrespectful you were at times..but that just fueled it for you and made it worse.

 

I won't go on because I would not want anyone to read this and figure out who you are. it seems impossible that would happen because you only had one other woman besides me. the new woman you are with should be my enemy by rights..and she is 20 years younger than me. but, she is young enough to want a family of her own..and I would be shocked if you reversed the procedure you had in your 20s now that you are in your mid 40s. you raised two kids and don't want more..this I truly know. I believe you will somehow trick this new woman into thinking you will give her these things she wants..or doesn't quite know how much she wants them. she will stay with you until she realizes you will never give her a family of her own and she will split - in her early 40s and try to rebuild her life the way I am trying to rebuild mine. by that time I will either be over you or dead from natural causes. I hope I actually live long enough to get over you and enjoy my life again..and fulfill some of my own sorry dreams. My dreams were never enough for you...and you sort of spit on my dreams. I don't hate you at all for helping my poor self esteem go down to no self esteem...I just have a lot of building up to do. it is not going well..but I think I have to realize..maybe for the first time..that if I don't build up my self esteem now...it aint gonna happen. so, thank you for reminding me today..just now..that I have a lot to recover from and do..and I hope to heck I can do it. wish me luck!:rolleyes:

Posted

Dear J

 

Your friend is somewhat flirting with me, why? is this a test or something? I have not even thought about you today.

 

Still love you though xxx

Posted

Dear ex nitwit:

 

You are seriously a moron for letting me break up with you just because you're lazy and want to do nothing but play video games in am imaginary world where people seemingly worship you all day long.

 

You let a pretty, fun, educated, smart, witty, financially secure woman who trains in martial arts and weapons go. Someone who LOVES sex and video games and wrestling and football.

 

What kind of idiot are you? Are you sure you aren't gay? :confused: It would really explain a lot.

 

Anyway, don't come crawling back to me when you realize what you lost, you turd. I want a real man.

Posted

Dear J

 

Thought of an odd metaphor today as I came out of the shower. I attempted to spray that fancy heat protecting hair spray (you randomly bought it for me a few months ago because it was hot pink and black, and suitable for my long hair.. you always told me how beautiful my hair was.) but none of it was coming out of the pump. I kept trying and trying, and I thought I could add some water to it to make it work, but it was nearly all gone. Is that us J? Are we gone, just like the spray? If I added water to it, sure, it'd be fine but it wouldn't be the same would it?

 

I feel odd.

 

Why is your friend flirting with me? I don't need it.

 

Miss you, but only a little bit.

Love you. xxx

  • Like 1
Posted

Dear Patrick,

 

I got a new job today. Do you care?

Probably not.

 

I wish you could share my happiness right now with me. Be here for me. Go out to celebrate with me. They're just wishes though.

 

You're probably out with her. She's not even pretty. What does she have that I don't? Something new?

Why do I even care.

 

F You.

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Posted

Congratulations on the new job! :bunny:

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Posted

Damn thing erased. I guess it is for the better.

 

You will never know what I had inside me the ENTIRE TIME! You just thought I was another guy, and even call me not a man. ummm ya we will see. Sorry I am not a caveman.

 

In the begining, you said I was the best that you can get. That changed over the years, but you know I think you were partially right. I WAS the best that you can get, but I know I will even be WAAAAAY better than that! You never gave yourself a chance to find out who I really am, you just pulled me down and made me suffer. One day you will see what I have inside, only you wont be with me, and my god...I hope it hurts like hell.

Posted
Congratulations on the new job! :bunny:

Thank you! It was much needed. (: I also went on a date!

  • Like 1
Posted

Hi L,

 

I prayed for you today. The last time I saw you, you looked really pathetic. I felt very sorry for you. Your life is such a mess.

Posted

I shouldn't have sent you that last text. Maybe you forgot to reply because you're working, or maybe you chose to not reply. NC this time around is so much harder. I wonder if its because maybe I know you still feel a little for me? I'm so tired of this. None of this should matter because we won't date again, and I need to move on. I should've never done that on Sunday. Bad bad bad judgment call. Now I know.

Posted

Its been a while since I've posted.

 

Life for me has been like a rollercoaster, there's been weeks where you never cross my mind and there's weeks where I can't get you out my head. I sound like a troll on here because I'm so on/off. I still get butterflies when I think of you, everytime I see a car that looks similar to yours, I think of you, everytime a particular song comes on the radio, I think of you. I hate it.

 

I appreciate your parents divorce may have made you upset, but whenever you needed someone, I was there for you, I looked after you, the last thing you said to me before I left for the weekend was that you were grateful that I was there and that you loved me. So after the weekend you leave me (don't forget you did it by email, you couldn't even tell me in person) for my friend who had made moves on you. And then I find out when you were supposedly being upset and showing me lots of love, you were going to him as a shoulder to cry on when I wasn't there, you met up with him during the weekend when I wasn't there, and you cheated. I feel physically sick and angry. I support you through your tough time and you screw me over.

 

It really makes me angry that you could change your mind so quickly, how you can suddenly decide the grass was greener with him, how even that he made moves on you when he KNEW you were with me. The worst part of all? He was far worse then me, had a history of making moves on other people's girlfriends, being a "creep," manipulative, controlling and backstabbing and I was infinitely better then him, physically, intellectually, in fact I could even do his job when it needed "amazing ICT qualifications." Yet you thought he was better then someone who unconditionally loved you for exactly who you were, respected you, treated you well without being whipped, was in good physical shape, successful in national level sports, doing a degree in Maths? I have no idea what world you are on but it makes me so angry and physically sick.

 

And what makes it worse is that by trying to do the right thing, I'm the one in pain and from what I hear you're flirting with everyone you see while being with the idiot you left me for. I hear from friends that no one really likes you, that you just annoy everyone and just act like a total twat. One day its all gonna crash down and you're going to end up with nothing by the way you act. Sometimes I hope it does happen and you'll realise what you lost, as I remember you telling me how much I meant to you, and that you were scared you were going to make a mistake and lose me. Well you've done that.

 

I just wish I didn't love you, so I don't get these urges to protect you when its not my place. I had never fallen in love until you walked into my life, I was emotionless and kept a well closed lid on my emotions until you showed up and screwed me over. All my emotions are coming outm I've been experiencing emotions I've never had, and I hate it because I don't feel in control of myself anymore. If I developed feelings for someone, I'd be able to drop them within a couple of days, but those techniques don't work with you, believe me I've tried. We only lasted 2 and a half months, and its been a month and a bit since the last time I saw you, so soon I should be over you, but its taking so long to move on.

 

I'm finding hard to move on because all I tried to do was be a good boyfriend, I did nothing wrong on my part so how am I supposed to get experience from that? I hate this I really do.

Posted

Its at night, when the day is winding down that I find it super hard to cope and to maintain my now established NC. If I didn't make that mistake with you on the weekend, I wonder if I would be sitting here now trying to pour out my feelings instead of studying. You tell me you miss me, but I like how that doesn't translate to want to date me. I'm sure this is the best decision for both of us, so maybe the dating part shouldn't factor in at all. I loved you, and I still kind of do. Hopefully getting over you will start becoming easier day by day again. And hopefully soon, I'll return to the comforting feeling of just being with me. I love you and I can't deny it. I'll be honest, but again I miss you too, but that doesn't translate to I want to date you.

 

I want to stop thinking about you soon. Help me let you go.

Posted

I hate that I can't focus on my studying because I'm thinking about you and trying to analyze the things you do, or why I wasn't able to make the relationship work, and why after so many of your tries, you can't make us work either. I don't understand if its the feelings not being there, or the lack of action, or what it is. either way, I just really need you to get out of my head so I can study for my test.

Posted

It has been more than a year and still I am not completely over. Yes, now I have decided not to pursue you.

 

I don't know if what you did is cheating. I do not know if I was mean. I know that I yearned for you. Somewhere I feel that you the rumors are not true. Somewhere I believe that you did not refute me so that I just go on.

Somewhere I believe that we might get back together. Somewhere somewhere soemwhere.

 

You do not want to see how I improved. How I have changed. You do not love me so I will never bother you.

 

I will move on but this pain. This pain is just unbearable now. COME BACK and tell me the rumours are not true.

 

COme back and tell me you love me. Come back and say to me it is going to be ok.

 

Come back pls. I am not able to do anything.

Posted

Decided to end my relationship of 3 years with my girlfriend. She moved away for three months and I thought was going to be ok, but then she moved back to the same town. I helped her move in to her new apt. and old feelings rushed back. One thing led to another and we slept together, afterward she cried and told me how much she missed me and how she still loved me. so I began wondering if ending this had been a mistake. I felt like I still loved her. I decided that I wasn't ready to give up on us. Little did i know she had met someone while we were apart. The very next night(yesterday) after she told me how much she missed and loved me, she went on a date with this guy and ended up giving it up to him. She openly told me the next day in tears. I'm crushed. I just can't understand how one night everything is going to be fixed and we're going to love each other forever and work through things. Then the very next night she sleeps with someone else. My body is writhing in pain from the thought of her being gone, but I know that I will never be able to look at her under the same light. She got my hopes up and then ripped out my heart. She said she wants to be friends, but I find what she did pretty unfriendly and can't begin to think about forgiving her. Im angry that she would drag my emotions back into this. I just want to yell but i know that won't get me anywhere. I've decided to eliminate all memories of her (pics, gifts, etc. I'm also planning on never speaking to her again. I ****ing hate this feeling and just want to move on. So im hoping typing this will help with my healing process. I just have nobody to talk to about this. Thanks for listening. Wish me Luck!

Posted

God, today is just killng me. I am feeling totally smashed inside. I can't speak to you and ask the truth.

 

I just keep on repenting what I did. Why doesn't everything become ok. Why is everything becoming so freaking hard.

 

Help me God, help me get through. Bring my angel back or atleast give me enough strength to move on.

Posted

A,

 

What the **** do you want? The way you look at me and talk with me it's like you want to get back together. We even hooked up. But then there's something in the back of your mind that makes you think twice. You keep commenting on how much the dating scene sucks, how I would never do the stupid stuff some of your dates have done, what the **** is holding you back? I'm getting really ****ing tired of this bull****. I only have so much patience, I want to take the high road -- but deep down I'm get feelings wishing you'd totally hit rock bottom. The more and more I look at the break-up, the more it seems like it's a very selfish, celf-centered thing to do (in a bad way) and the less chance you have of reconciling with me. I wish you the best, but you already had the best and threw it away for ****ing delusions of grandeur. The grass isn't always greener, and sometimes everything you need is right in front of you. Get a clue.

-J

Posted

I miss you. I so miss hearing from you, but even more seeing you. I think if I saw you right now I would break down and cry. If you were here I would hug you so tight and never let go.

 

It's been over two weeks, but it feels like you just dumped me two days ago. I want to move on and get over you, but I still don't understand why you don't want to be with me anymore. "Not being able to fulfill all my needs" can't be the real reason. Why would you break up with me only because you thought I was not happy? If you were happy why would you leave me? Wouldn't you try to change or at least talk to me to see if things could be worked out?

 

How could just end things from one day to the next and never even look back? Never even contact me anymore? Don't you miss me? I miss you so much. I still love you. Just contact me, even if you don't want to get back together. Just knowing that you still care would mean so much to me.

Posted

I miss you. I hope you miss me too. I just want you to know that I don't hate you and the reason I told you I can't talk to you anymore is because I don't want to be hurt again. I put myself in a vulnerable position and you almost killed me, I don't want to go through that again. I hope one day you'll come back to tell me letting me go was the biggest mistake of your life but deep inside I know that you won't and even if you do I'll tell you what we both already know: for the life of us we can't get back.

But yeah, I miss you like hell and every day that I don't hear from you I die a little bit more inside even if you think I already moved on and is the only reason you don't talk to me. I still love you as much as I always have and probably always will. I still cry for you, but I have to move on with my life now. I hope you're doing well.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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