StartingOver07 Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I need some help with this guy I am seeing. I posted here last week. Since then, we've seen each other twice, both times at his initiation. Problem is, I am not feeling any less confused. If anything, I am more so. We've been seeing each other since February and yet we are still oddly formal with each other. We are having sex, and we've had the exclusivity talk (at his initiation) but we don't talk in between dates except to set up the next date... and we do that in email. We don't talk on the phone and I don't feel as though I could phone him if I wanted to. And this all seems nuts to me! I mean, dating since February is not an eternity, but it seems that in 2+ months we should have some sense of us as a couple, shouldn't we? Or am I off-base here? I don't feel I *know* anything about our relationship, including whether or when I'll see him again and that seems really odd to me. When we're together we talk about our individual lives, but not in any way that suggests they are connected. For instance, he is going away in July and this was a trip he had initially invited me to accompany him on, but when he talks about it now, there is no mention of my accompanying him. I don't know if he spooked himself by bringing it up so early or if he's had a change of heart. Anyway, I really like this guy and in some ways he seems to really like me but I am confused as to why all the "future" talk has gone away and, more to the point, what that means. He seems to want to hold onto me, but at the same time, it's as though his need for me is very slight. I am not looking for a declaration of undying love or permanent commitment, but I would like to feel that I understand what the relationship is, and I don't. And I don't really know how to bring it up without freaking one or both of us out! I feel as though I am now measuring my responses and actions and I hate that. I am not one for playing games or strategizing a relationship and that's what I feel I am doing. Ugh. I guess my question is: how do I dope out what he's thinking/feeling so that I can determine how/whether to proceed?
Author StartingOver07 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Anyone? I'd love some input.
the_pope Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Have you actually tried ringing him in the week? Perhaps he feels he cannot ring you as you dont ring him. It may well be worth giving it a go a couple of times. You will be able to guage by his reaction to your call. This is a good way to start. But, only try it once or twice and do not bombard him. He may feel cramped if you do.
melodymatters Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 This all does sound very odd ! I've known guys that HATE the phone, but they at least make the effort to pick it up and have a few 5-10 minute conversations with their GF's ! I hate to bring this up, but could he be married or living with somone else ? Have you gone to his house ? I guess you just need to be honest. Act calm and friendly and rational, and just say " you know, I was wondering why we never talk on the phone ?"
Author StartingOver07 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 He's definitely not married or living with anyone. We spend all our together time at his place (I have kids at mine) and it is small enough that I can see all the nooks and crannies. I don't think he is seeing anyone else, either, and that's not wishful thinking on my part. Anyway, it's not that I particularly want to talk on the phone. I was just using that as an illustration of how tentative our connection is. He will usually send me a short (2-3 line) email in the morning, but it's never anything more substantial than "hello, how are you." It seems as though we are never going to move out of the "first week of dating" stage -- you know, where you wonder whether things are going to move forward or not or even if you're going to see each other again. So, with the exception of the sex, it's like a never-ending series of 3rd dates. We're just stuck there. I am trying to figure out why we're stuck as I don't particularly want to be falling for or exclusive with someone who has no intention of ever moving forward.
melodymatters Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I totally understand where you are coming from, with the 3rd date feeling being in a constant loop ! The guy might have some intimacy issues. How old is he, has he had serious relationships, did he ever say why they ended ? Ok, so it's not just the phone thing, but I still think YOU need to take the bull by the horns. Maybe he doesn't KNOW how to be any different and can be slowly brought along. Either way, better to find out sooner than later, right ?
Lezbean Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Sounds like to me he changed his mind and now just wants you for sex. Try bringing up the trip in July. Say something like...I was checking my schedule for July and was wondering if you still want me to go with you. Otherwise I have something else planned. Good Luck!
Author StartingOver07 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 I totally understand where you are coming from, with the 3rd date feeling being in a constant loop ! The guy might have some intimacy issues. How old is he, has he had serious relationships, did he ever say why they ended ? Ok, so it's not just the phone thing, but I still think YOU need to take the bull by the horns. Maybe he doesn't KNOW how to be any different and can be slowly brought along. Either way, better to find out sooner than later, right ? He was married for 15 years or so and also had a 10 year r/s that ended about 2 years ago. Both seem fairly "normal" -- no issues that jump out. What do you recommend as an approach? This is where I am stuck, as I don't know how to strike the right balance. Sounds like to me he changed his mind and now just wants you for sex. I had this thought, too. The only thing that doesn't add up is that there are times we go out (at his initiative) and don't have sex. It's about 50/50. Maybe I'm not "getting it" but I'd think that if all he wanted was sex, he wouldn't bother with nights where we just walk on the beach or whatever...
Aloros Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Hm. That's strange. I've never been in this sort of situation myself, so I'm afraid I can't give you any advice based on personal experience. If you two are stuck in a rut, one of you needs to make a move. Why don't you initiate some more relationship-y sort of activities and see how he takes it? He could be just as confused as how to proceed as you are.
hope1994 Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 I've been in a situation kind of like yours, and I know that the guy i was seeing was extremely independent, busy with his business & didn't actually "need" me, but the fact that he "wanted" to spend his free time with me, meant alot to me. Maybe he just has a very full on lifestyle. I'm sure if you stay together things will get better & as you get closer it will mean more because it didn't happen overnight
Author StartingOver07 Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Thanks, all. I've given this some more thought and I think I am going to break things off. I don't like this feeling of stuckness and uncertainty and I don't really know how to move things forward. More to the point, I am not sure I want to be the engine. Thanks for your advice.
Mezzi Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I think that he may have had a change of heart or is just re-evaluating the relationship. To me two months isnt that long and you guys should have still been in the "getting to know each other" phase. I think that you started having sex too quickly and maybe he has long interest.
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