relationship with a selfish person

[Shandy]

Hi all,

 

Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone who is very selfish? Are there certain traits that makes a person not good relationship material? Or do you think that the selfish person will be a lot more considerate once he/she meets the right person?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[mattea]

if someone is really selfish, i don't think that's something that is going to change because of who they are with.

 

can you elaborate? what types of things does he or she do or not do that you would expect from a partner?

[sb129]

Hi all,

 

Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone who is very selfish? Are there certain traits that makes a person not good relationship material? Or do you think that the selfish person will be a lot more considerate once he/she meets the right person?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I would expect that eventually their selfishness would become a bone of contention.

 

I wouldn't do it again, been there done that, got the tshirt.

In hindsight, it sucked.

[Trialbyfire]

Selfish people are a whole lotta' wasted emotion and effort. Life is so much easier without them.

 

If you're seriously considering this, be prepared to be sucked dry. Forewarned is forearmed...

[Tony T]

Hi all,

 

Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone who is very selfish? Are there certain traits that makes a person not good relationship material? Or do you think that the selfish person will be a lot more considerate once he/she meets the right person?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Run as fast as you can. Selfish people are NEVER good relationship people unless you want to wait on them forever. There are a lot of threads going now about narcissism, which is where many selfish people fall under. You simply can never, ever have a healthy relationship with someone who looks out only for themselves. You're better off alone, leaving all your energy for yourself rather than spending it on somebody who could care less about your life or whether you're dead or alive.

 

Read through this thread about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorders) for starters: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117812/

[sweetscarlet]

Hi all,

 

Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone who is very selfish? Are there certain traits that makes a person not good relationship material? Or do you think that the selfish person will be a lot more considerate once he/she meets the right person?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

A selfish person will ACT unselfish when he meets a person that he's really interested in. But eventually a persons true colors come out.

 

And yes there are definately traits that make someone not good relationship material, although it can vary from person to person. I would say that some of them are:

 

Main ones:

selfishness

dishonesty (also closely associated with cheating)

abusiveness (emotional, physical)

addictiveness (gambling, drinking, drugs)

 

 

Other ones:

financial problems

lack of compassion

laziness/lack of motivation

[Shandy]

can you elaborate? what types of things does he or she do or not do that you would expect from a partner?

 

To me a selfish person is someone who constantly talks about himself, down to the very minute detail, but as soon as you start telling him about your day, he loses interest. Therefore you cannot expect to hold a ten minute conversation with him about general things in life that bothers you. In bed, he only cares about pleasing himself. In day-to-day life, he takes and takes without much thought about giving anything in return.

 

As an example, my boyfriend took me to lunch for valentines day (because dinner is too expensive), then as we are walking to the car, he turns and asks me, "so, are you going to pay your half?"

[Trialbyfire]

As an example, my boyfriend took me to lunch for valentines day (because dinner is too expensive), then as we are walking to the car, he turns and asks me, "so, are you going to pay your half?"

Do you two have a traditional relationship where the guy pays for everything?

[sb129]

Shandy I thought you were doing NC?

[Shandy]

Do you two have a traditional relationship where the guy pays for everything?

 

Oh absolutely not. We have always split everything down the middle, down to the last dollar, even when we first started dating. There was one point in our relationship when I asked him to pay more, and he did for awhile, but to this day he still complains bitterly about it.

[Shandy]

Shandy I thought you were doing NC?

 

Oh yeah I am... I'm just starting to get weak and think that maybe things will work out despite his selfishness. That perhaps I am complaining too much and that the relationship could still possibly work.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh absolutely not. We have always split everything down the middle, down to the last dollar, even when we first started dating. There was one point in our relationship when I asked him to pay more, and he did for awhile, but to this day he still complains bitterly about it.

Why do you feel he should pay more? If he makes more money, that's his money, not yours to share unless the two of you are sharing everything, including living arrangements in a more committed relationship like marriage or common-law arrangements.

 

No one likes a cheap SO, from either gender.

[sb129]

Oh yeah I am... I'm just starting to get weak and think that maybe things will work out despite his selfishness. That perhaps I am complaining too much and that the relationship could still possibly work.

 

Naughty.

 

(((slaps hand))))

 

NO no no and no.

 

Don't do it.

[mattea]

To me a selfish person is someone who constantly talks about himself, down to the very minute detail, but as soon as you start telling him about your day, he loses interest. Therefore you cannot expect to hold a ten minute conversation with him about general things in life that bothers you. In bed, he only cares about pleasing himself. In day-to-day life, he takes and takes without much thought about giving anything in return.

 

sounds pretty bad should be a two-ay street, and WANT to hear about you and please you too. don't see this changing.

[IpAncA]

Yeah I would run. My mom married a selfish man and trust me NOTHING good comes from it. The selfishness get WORSE with age and it leads to other things I won't mention.

[Trialbyfire]

To me a selfish person is someone who constantly talks about himself, down to the very minute detail, but as soon as you start telling him about your day, he loses interest. Therefore you cannot expect to hold a ten minute conversation with him about general things in life that bothers you. In bed, he only cares about pleasing himself. In day-to-day life, he takes and takes without much thought about giving anything in return.

 

sounds pretty bad should be a two-ay street, and WANT to hear about you and please you too. don't see this changing.

 

Now this part, I agree with. Very selfish indeed.

[boshemia]

Before you can decide if you can have a good relationship with anyone, you need to know exactly what a good relationship means to you. Everyone is different, and some people can handle this type of relationship better than others.

 

If you are very independent, self-sufficient, know exactly what you want and are willing to work hard to get it, then a relationship with a truly selfish person might be possible.

 

On the other hand if you are the kind of person who needs a lot of attention and affection, mutal concern and support, and real intimacy then all you are looking at is pain and sorrow. Spending the bulk of a relationship feeling sad and alone isn't good for anyone. People with strongly dependent personalities just get their personality sucked into the relationship and after awhile they can't even distinguish the "me" from the "we"

 

I used to think I couldn't live without a man, but I've since learned that being in a bad relationship is actually more lonely than being on your own.

[Shandy]

If you are very independent, self-sufficient, know exactly what you want and are willing to work hard to get it, then a relationship with a truly selfish person might be possible.

 

So you are saying it is possible to have a good relationship with a selfish person. They should find a person who can handle it or accept the selfish nature of their partner? Everyone has faults, and if it's not selfishness it's something else.

[sb129]

Shandy, you are taking what Boshemia said and clutching at straws to justify your exes behaviour.

 

You are in NC. Do you really really want him back?

[boshemia]

Shandy, you are taking what Boshemia said and clutching at straws to justify your exes behaviour.

 

You are in NC. Do you really really want him back?

 

I actually banked on the fact that justification is what the actual post was about. If someone asks a question like that they already have their mind made up.

 

So you are saying it is possible to have a good relationship with a selfish person. They should find a person who can handle it or accept the selfish nature of their partner? Everyone has faults, and if it's not selfishness it's something else.

 

Note: I didn't say a GOOD relationship was possible, I said "a relationship" because as I said, only you can decide what a good relationship is and isn't. First you must define your idea of a good relationship apart from this person, not using this person as a guide, but using only yourself and what you dream of when you think of when you think of happiness with another person.

 

THEN you need to look at this guy and see if he fits that definition. Yes there will always be something that is less than perfect, but some are bigger than others. I've been married to not one, but two, self-centered men.

 

Since I was a fairly compliant (aka submissive) person I didn't see any problem with this. However, after awhile even the most compliant person gets pushed too far.

 

When we had the nicest computer network in town but no food... when he had three vehicles, and bought three dirtbikes in the five years we had been together and I was on foot with three kids for three years... when he only wore new jeans and nice name brand clothes and I didn't get new clothes the entire 8 years unless they were a gift from someone else. During that 8 years I didn't get birthday, Christmas, or anniversary presents for most of it... when I did it was something HE wanted. He once bought me a $200 western coat that was his size, his color, and he admittted he bought it hoping I would give it to him anyways.

 

You can't change him, and changing yourself to suit him won't work either.

 

I'm not even saying it was bad for me, in fact it was probably some of the strongest character shaping I had in my entire lifetime. I AM a stronger person. I had to learn to take care of my own needs or to let go of them. I bought my own vehicle, I saved my own money and bought clothes for myself and the kids, I couldn't afford to work with three young kids, and he refused to take care of them when he was home so I only took jobs that I could bring the kids along with me, this led me to being self-employed for the last ten years.

 

It was frustrating, it was lonely, and by the end I had no idea who I was because so much of me was based on who I was with at the time.

 

You can be in a relationship with anyone, but you can only be in a GOOD relationship when you stop trying to do it backwards. Instead of starting with a man and then trying to figure out how to be happy, start with being happy and then figure out how to bring a man into that.

[Shandy]

Bravo!! That was a good post Boshemia. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but you are now a stronger person because of it.

Yes I will continue with my NC. I believe this is the best way.

[Guest]

Some times I honestly wonder how many relationships would have worked out if people hadn’t come to this site and been told to RUN away every time there’s a bit of a red flag involved. Or maybe if there’s god forbid a bit of work that may need to be done on either half. I’m sorry but in my opinion nothing in life usually comes easy. And that’s including decent long lasting relationships look you know your guy I assume do you feel that you can live with and work thru the issues you to are having or at least give it a honest and fair shot? With out having complete strangers on a message board make your mind up for you? Do you feel strong enough about him and secure in your relationship to try? Please don’t get me wrong this can be a wonderful place to get different view points about different subjects. But all to often the advice is much the same when ever it comes to a troubled relationship. And that’s run well let me tell you something I was once like you and I came here and got much the same advice. But I took it with a grain of Sault and we worked on our relationship . And guess what things are much better for it and im happy today in a relationship that I was pretty much told to flush down the toilet here. So I guess the moral of my story is yes listen to these nice caring people and then think a bit on your own. Because in the end its you who has to live with the choice you will make. I say long as there is no abuse or physical violence going on then it’s a waist to not try and work things out before you go NC or anything like that. And just from your post here it sounds like you yourself are not 100% sure its time to junk the hole relationship. Best of luck to you in what ever YOU decide.. Oh and by the way my guy was very selfish as well and its now something he’s aware of. And working on and actually getting much better with so yes it can work long as both parties are willing to try. And also I wouldn’t expect any one to pay for my meals I know it was Valentines day and all. But still I just wouldn’t automatically expect it from him that in its self is kinda selfish no? Really a healthy balanced relationship should always be 50/50 even when the dinner check comes along but that’s just my humble opinion I suppose..

[orangehose]

 

I used to think I couldn't live without a man, but I've since learned that being in a bad relationship is actually more lonely than being on your own.

 

Yes, it can be very isolating being involved with someone who is self-absorbed. Heck, even physicality becomes an isolating experience - giving affection and not receiving it... It becomes depressing, and you begin to wonder if something's wrong with YOU, when in fact it's just the other person.

[sb129]

Great post (again) Boshemia. Glad you are staying strong Shandy