Trimmer Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Azian - Do you have any significant amount of equity in your house which will be split between you when the house sells? I strongly suggest you do as your lawyer suggests, and treat the situation that you (as an individual) are renting the house from you and your wife (as landlord partners.) Then it becomes like you, alone, contribute all the rent because you will be living there, and the partners split the rest of the expenses required to make the "business" run. Now if she doesn't have the cash flow to cover her half of those expenses until the sale of the house, then you darn well keep track of that $750 (or whatever it is) each month as a "debt to the other partner", and when the house is sold, first you pay off all selling expenses, etc and see what your cash proceeds are. Then split them in half (assuming you are going 50/50) then, from her proceeds, deduct her debt, and add it to your proceeds, since you were the one who covered those expenses. This way you can still treat it as a business relationship, in terms of ownership and disposal of the house, and you can still be the nice guy and recognize the reality that she can't cover that cash flow right now. This is how we did it when we were divorcing (due to my wife seeking an OM) and it worked just fine. And yes, I was a nice guy too - I want my kids to be safe and comfortable while they are with her, so their mother needs to be as well. Not that I rolled over (see the above business relationship, for example) but we did stuff like take out a temporary second mortgage to get cash for her to buy her new house. Then when the old house sold, the repayment of that second mortgage, like the "partner debt" for unpaid expenses, also came out of her half of the proceeds. In the end, we wrote instructions to the escrow officer saying: from the bottom line, write a check to <his name> for $Xxxx and write a check to <her name> for $Yyyy, (which we calculated and agreed upon) and it was done - the house was sold and divided fairly, including a repayment of all the expenses.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Divorce her and if in one year she still wants to be married do it with a prenup that describes in detail what would happen if a 2nd divorce should occur. If she can't give you that cut her loose for good. Um woggle I think it's called a post-nup. Prenup is before marriage a post nup is after.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 Yes I appreciate all the comments and advice and understand that what she has done is irrepairable. I do know there is no going back I have made up my mind. The decision is to continue on with the divorce. I will give her a month so she can help me get this house ready for sale. I want this house on the market and gone. The market is bad so I may have to take a 20k loss but it's ok. To me it's all material. There is too much memories in this home that I can't bear see it and live in it. Today we will have that talk. The final one. The one that will nail that coffin down. She wants to reconcile. I will listen to what she says and will tell her how it's going to be. No more bull****. No matter what she does it's way too late. This relationship is over. I am done. She has her 30 days and she needs to help me organize the things we want to sell, donate, and get rid off. Put what I want to keep in storage. Start taking apart what's left of the household. I will take some "guilty pleasures" on this since she is so attached to our material possessions.
Darth Vader Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 "I love the Corps, I love the Corps! Sign me up for forty more!" Yea Right! Glad I did it! Proud I did it! Glad its over! I sense the Dark Side in you Gunny! LOL!
Author azianpride143 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 First I told her what she did last night was unacceptable. The kids should never be alone in the middle of the night by themselves. I had made arrangements with her and she should have came home to watch the kids once she found out her own parents bailed out and left the kids home by themselves. I wanted her to understand that if she keeps doing this behaviour I will go back to court and get custody of my children. Then we talked about her indicating a desire to reconcile. It was a bunch of crock. She was going like I want to try but I'm confused. Here let me help you with that. I said the bottom line is that there is no more us. This marriage is dead and that there is no hope. So don't even try. Stop all your half ass efforts since it seems like your forcing yourself on doing something you don't even mean. Then I explained to her calmly that I'm filled with anger and hurt and that only with her moving out will I be able to start moving on and healing. I said I can't have her live here anymore. I don't care what she does with her life. I am glad it's over and I can finally be free. Then I asked her again what her plans are since I gave her until the end of May to move. Where was she going? Then she said, she doesn't want to move in with her brother. So I told her well you can have a portion of our tax refund and use that to move into an apartment sooner. Since now we don't have to wait until your parents leave. She's better off leasing an apartment now and I will even help her move. I told her that will allow you to do whatever you want, see whoever you want, and have whoever wants to visit u. I told her once you move you are no longer allowed in this home. I don't want you coming over anymore. I will drop off and pickup the kids if she wants to see them. Same thing with communication, we will only talk about the kids and the divorce and that's it. I hope that kinda sums it all up. I am glad and relieved that this is almost over. Her arse is finally out of the house soon.
Sheba Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Oh my God! AP - she left the kids home alone? Do you realize that you are lucky that child welfare did not come and pick them up, leaving you to explain and apply to take care of your own childre? Children you are obviously well able to care for? Please call your lawyer and tell him/her that story, tomorrow. That woman is an incredibly selfish, childish bitch. She went out drinking Friday night and yet couldn't stay home last night? Not even when she learned her children were alone? I wouldn't want to look at her one more day if I were you. You have the right idea, absolutely. Get her out as quickly as possible. Let her take some of her precious "stuff", but don't allow her to abuse you further in that regard. You and the kids need some stuff too. You and your children need time to build your own little family. She can get her bearings on her own and will hopefully one day become a decent and loving access parent. Oh, and Trimmer definitely has the right idea. Re-read his post.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 She and my daughter talked. My daughter told me that she sounded excited to be out the house and invited her friend Elizabeth to go swimming with her in her new apartment. She played it down and said to her that your dad needs some time to cool off that's why he asked me to move out. My daughter was happy she was. She told me she was mad at her mom for acting like a teenager. She told me she was setting a bad example. I told her at least we have each other and that's all that matters. For now don't worry about that. I will be the responsible parent and take care of them.
Woggle Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Whatever you do don't try and urn your kids against her. They will find it for themselves. Don't force them to take sides.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Actually I don't have to. My daughter and her had a big fight on their way back from the movies. I guess she was all happy talking to her friend and my daughter could not stand it anymore and said that she was a bad influence. Man that made her blew up. She came home all pissed off. So I talked to my daughter and told her she shouldn't be doing what she did. She needs to stop disrespecting her mom and if there's something bothering her she needs to vent to me instead. I will probably have to schedule her some therapy to help her deal with what's happening. I know it's probably tearing her up deep inside. Her mom is so oblivious on how much damage she is causing to this poor kid. Then my STBXW began to get really verbal about the whole thing. She said the only reason why I'm rushing her to move out was because my dad is arriving on May 2. I told her she needs to cool it off with our daughter. That even made her blew up. She said I'm teaming up with my daughter against her. Then she started to ramble on about that I have turned everyone against her and that I look like an angel. She went on with I'm not the only one that caused problems in the last 14 years crap blah blah blah blah. I just smirked and what she just said. Then I mentioned that I'm only paying for one month for her apartment. She told me what was she supposed to do. She said she can't pay for two places. I said that's not really my problem anymore. You decide where you want to live. Go talk to your friends and your bf to help you move back in with your brother. Then I walked away. She was expecting me to keep paying for her new apartment and for her to enjoy the company of other men on my friggin dime. What am I stupid? It felt good. I am now in control. I made my move. Man I'm wide awake. BTW I checked out her cell and she is still in contact with her bf eventhough she said she broke it off. Plus there's a guy who's asking her to have sex with her. Man talked about messed up. I don't even feel anything anymore. Just disgust. A little counter intelligence helps. I need to know what she's up to. I just can't wait for her to walk out the door and leave. Hopefully in the next couple of days.
Gunny376 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Ooooo~freaking~raaaahhh! Way to man up! Way to man the f*** up! I'm proud of you my man! You're way more generous than I would be ~ I'd done been tossed her out on her azz! For all I'd care she could go out in the woods, sleep in a hollow log, drink muddy water, and eat freaking road kill! Now that you've reached down and found out you've still got a pair ~ don't be listening to her BS, and brother you ain't seen nothing yet! Before its all over with you're going to get the water-works and the whole nine yards! Good job with the DD, a book that is essential for you to read in regards to your children is "Second Chances" about the effects of divorce on children ~ and Brother ~ they're long term reaching into their adult life. I'm 50 years old and just now am I finding out things about my parents divorce from 44 years ago. Its only been the last four years that I found out that my older sister is my half sister! And that I'm my father's only child!
TheSilentType Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 We got married young and she feels that because of this she missed out and now wants to be free. Exactly how old was she when you guys got married? It seems to be the crux of the issue Is your wife asian too? I haven't met too many that behave like her
Gunny376 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 A good thread for your to read would be this one http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=wolfe Race doesn't have a damn thing to do with it ~ there's only one race ~ the human race ~ that is until Mr. Spock shows up with his green blood and pointy ears! Bottom line here? She's acting like a hussy!
Ladyjane14 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Your situation reminds me alot of the latter half of CryingCanuck's story: Here's his last thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101241/ You're fueled by your anger right now. And that's understandable. But the anger doesn't last. I think Canuck's thread will give you some insight on the next stages. Bear in mind... I'm not saying you're wrong to be angry. Hell, I'd be furious. (!!!!) And I think there's sometimes merit in the emotion itself. Anger can lend us impetus to get up and get moving on problem-solving. But what goes up must come down', right? So, I don't think it'll hurt a thing for you to have a peek around the corner.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 She was 19 and I was 21. We're both asian but she grew up here in the U.S. There's a lot of emotional/physical abuse by her father and I believe this has caused a lot of damage when it comes to her view of the world. Yes this is not typical behaviour but then again she's got a lot of other mental issues. It's sad but I really think she's got multiple personalities (maybe 3). All these personalities are starting to fight control. This also makes sense why I should get out now. Exactly how old was she when you guys got married? It seems to be the crux of the issue Is your wife asian too? I haven't met too many that behave like her
Author azianpride143 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Today we discussed the apartment situation and she said I should take care of it ASAP. That was great and then I told her I got her someone to go over the documentation. She was like, well you've got a lawyer. She accused me of trying to screw her over. I'm getting one too. Damn after giving her everything she wanted. She said I'm scared and I've got something to hide. I guess no more Mr. nice guy. I'm done trying to make this an amicable divorce. I am so pissed off.
Sheba Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Never mind nice vs not nice - get moving! Find her an apartment ASAP. The sooner the better. Especially now that she has talked of getting a lawyer. Once she moves out she has demonstrated a certain lack of interest in parenting (which allows you to get an upper hand on issue) AND she has given you an advantage in dealing with the house. Your lawyer can negotiate with her lawyer from that position. That advantage is PROPERLY yours - remember, it is your children's home too and they should get to stay in it a little longer. After all, the poor kids have to deal with their mother's misconduct - surely they shouldn't be hustled out of their home in a huge hurry too. She is clearly less interested in being a parent and all of the rest of the resolution should flow from there. Don't get mad, AP, channel that energy to apartment hunting!
Author azianpride143 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Thanks I know I need to regain composure. I agree I need to channel my anger somewhere else. It just hurts coz she knows how to push my buttons to get me angry. I have done everything and gave her everything she wants. I know she is lashing out and that half of what she says I should not believe. Yes I have to be civil about it. Just get her out of the house and life will be better. One problem at a time.
Darth Vader Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Ooooo~freaking~raaaahhh! Way to man up! Way to man the f*** up! I'm proud of you my man! You're way more generous than I would be ~ I'd done been tossed her out on her azz! For all I'd care she could go out in the woods, sleep in a hollow log, drink muddy water, and eat freaking road kill! Now that you've reached down and found out you've still got a pair ~ don't be listening to her BS, and brother you ain't seen nothing yet! Before its all over with you're going to get the water-works and the whole nine yards! Good job with the DD, a book that is essential for you to read in regards to your children is "Second Chances" about the effects of divorce on children ~ and Brother ~ they're long term reaching into their adult life. I'm 50 years old and just now am I finding out things about my parents divorce from 44 years ago. Its only been the last four years that I found out that my older sister is my half sister! And that I'm my father's only child! That's something your father has not taken well, I'm sure!
Darth Vader Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Don't let up AP, keep moving on as fast as you can, while STBXW is off balance. Expect the unexpected, she'll find a way to do a 180 on ya, Gunny, what ever happened to Bk?
climbergirl Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 OP-just remember this; What you do or don't do during a separation weighs heavily with the courts. They will think that you're 'ok' with the status quo (your wife dating while living with you). Don't screw yourself over. Begin your life now as a life without her. You can not underestimate a person during a divorce!
Author azianpride143 Posted May 2, 2007 Author Posted May 2, 2007 Yesterday we had lunch and I gave her a breakdown of our money and what's left of the tax refund. I gave her fair share and showed her how I calculated it. I also called Fidelity to cash out some of her and mine's IRA so we can payoff the rest of our credit cards. I gave her the checkbook to another joint checking account we have. Told her what's left of her money is there. I also told her she needs to transfer her direct deposit there. This will be her account. Once this happens I'm removing myself from the account. Now she is in a rush to get her apartment all of a sudden. I don't know why she took her time in the first place. She could have had almost 1 1/2 weeks to move. She was asking me if I had made plans for vacation and I said nope. She was wondering if I wanted to go to VA with her to visit her sister this June. I'm like no. I was telling myself, What a stupid suggestion? You are trying to make it look like were getting back together plus make me pay for the trip. This afternoon she got the keys to her apartment. I helped her pack the stuff she needs in boxes. Mind you were up to 11 large boxes. Helped her buy supplies and some small appliances. I made her write a check from her account. I am no longer paying for her stuff. My goal is to make her move as easy as possible so I can get her foot out of the house. We chatted a bit last night about us. Then for some weird reason she brought up the issue of her privacy. She wanted to know what I know. I gave her one of two hints on how I confirmed the affair. I really don't know where the conversation was headed. She derived pleasure and entertainment from this game. I didn't really feel comfortable and felt like an inquisition. She was still in denial. I told her you know the main thing was the fact that you fell in love with another man while we were married. I knew there was something wrong and I did whatever I had to do to confirm. I confronted you and you lied to me multiple times. I asked you if we can make it work out. She said I rushed her in her decision. I gave her so much time to make a decision. There were only two choices. The marriage or the OM. She couldn't decide so I did it for her. I woke up. I decided this marriage is over. I told her this conversation is over and I walked away. I could see she was teary eyed. It hurt me to say those words but they ran true. It felt good to be able to say what I had to say since this is the last time she's ever going to hear this from me. She still has some stuff left over. Hopefully she will get done with this in the following days. If not I will box this up and stick it in the garage. At some point, I will tell her that I also need my privacy and that I would have to change the locks on the door. Which is the same with her since she values her privacy highly. She can get access to her stuff in the garage via the garage door opener. Or I can leave the door open for her in the garage if were out. We talked about some of the holiday stuff she loved the most and she said she has a friend that buys and sells stuff in bulk can buy it so I said had them contact me ASAP so I can get rid of this clutter in the garage. There is still so much to do since she's somewhat moved out. It's kinda weird since she still wants to have access to the house and doesn't want to truly move out. I don't get this. I'll give her some time to get her stuff out. I would say about 2 weeks then I can lock down the house. Going through this made me realize how "high maintenance" she was. How much shopping she did. That I was a "sugar daddy" all this time. Deep down inside I had this empty feeling. I know I still love her. I know it's difficult to let go and accept the reality that she's been long gone. I know it's a tough road ahead. All I've got is time. Time to heal and lick my wounds. Time to get on with my life and move on. I looked at bikes yesterday and got all excited about the prospect of learning how to ride one. I can now do things I have not been able to do in my life. I am now in control of my life again.
Gunny376 Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Yesterday we had lunch and I gave her a breakdown of our money and what's left of the tax refund. I gave her fair share and showed her how I calculated it. I also called Fidelity to cash out some of her and mine's IRA so we can payoff the rest of our credit cards. I gave her the checkbook to another joint checking account we have. Told her what's left of her money is there. I also told her she needs to transfer her direct deposit there. This will be her account. Once this happens I'm removing myself from the account. Now she is in a rush to get her apartment all of a sudden. I don't know why she took her time in the first place. She could have had almost 1 1/2 weeks to move. She was asking me if I had made plans for vacation and I said nope. She was wondering if I wanted to go to VA with her to visit her sister this June. I'm like no. I was telling myself, What a stupid suggestion? You are trying to make it look like were getting back together plus make me pay for the trip. This afternoon she got the keys to her apartment. I helped her pack the stuff she needs in boxes. Mind you were up to 11 large boxes. Helped her buy supplies and some small appliances. I made her write a check from her account. I am no longer paying for her stuff. My goal is to make her move as easy as possible so I can get her foot out of the house. We chatted a bit last night about us. Then for some weird reason she brought up the issue of her privacy. She wanted to know what I know. I gave her one of two hints on how I confirmed the affair. I really don't know where the conversation was headed. She derived pleasure and entertainment from this game. I didn't really feel comfortable and felt like an inquisition. She was still in denial. I told her you know the main thing was the fact that you fell in love with another man while we were married. I knew there was something wrong and I did whatever I had to do to confirm. I confronted you and you lied to me multiple times. I asked you if we can make it work out. She said I rushed her in her decision. I gave her so much time to make a decision. There were only two choices. The marriage or the OM. She couldn't decide so I did it for her. I woke up. I decided this marriage is over. I told her this conversation is over and I walked away. I could see she was teary eyed. It hurt me to say those words but they ran true. It felt good to be able to say what I had to say since this is the last time she's ever going to hear this from me. She still has some stuff left over. Hopefully she will get done with this in the following days. If not I will box this up and stick it in the garage. At some point, I will tell her that I also need my privacy and that I would have to change the locks on the door. Which is the same with her since she values her privacy highly. She can get access to her stuff in the garage via the garage door opener. Or I can leave the door open for her in the garage if were out. We talked about some of the holiday stuff she loved the most and she said she has a friend that buys and sells stuff in bulk can buy it so I said had them contact me ASAP so I can get rid of this clutter in the garage. There is still so much to do since she's somewhat moved out. It's kinda weird since she still wants to have access to the house and doesn't want to truly move out. I don't get this. I'll give her some time to get her stuff out. I would say about 2 weeks then I can lock down the house. Going through this made me realize how "high maintenance" she was. How much shopping she did. That I was a "sugar daddy" all this time. Deep down inside I had this empty feeling. I know I still love her. I know it's difficult to let go and accept the reality that she's been long gone. I know it's a tough road ahead. All I've got is time. Time to heal and lick my wounds. Time to get on with my life and move on. I looked at bikes yesterday and got all excited about the prospect of learning how to ride one. I can now do things I have not been able to do in my life. I am now in control of my life again. OooooooRaaahhhhh! Just love waking up and reading "manning-up" stories! Better than a cup of WTFU to get the day started!
Sheba Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 AP, I have been watching for an update from you. I am very sad for you. I am also very, very happy for you. You have accomplished what I hoped for you: she is out of the house and her misconduct is out of your face. You were quite right to call yourself "pride", because you ought to be proud of how civilly you have handled this. She was not "kicked out", she left of her own volition. You have given her a share of the cash, what she wanted of the "stuff" and even helped her move. You are a saint! Now my wish for you is time. First of all, to spend working on the fall out with respect to the children. You need to assess the situation from their point of view and evaluate how they are handling matters. And, you need to make considered decisions about what you want next. Take as much time as you can get. DO NOT allow yourself to be rushed by her. I hope you are calling your lawyer and keeping him/her informed of your progress.
Gunny376 Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 AP, I have been watching for an update from you. I am very sad for you. I am also very, very happy for you. You have accomplished what I hoped for you: she is out of the house and her misconduct is out of your face. You were quite right to call yourself "pride", because you ought to be proud of how civilly you have handled this. She was not "kicked out", she left of her own volition. You have given her a share of the cash, what she wanted of the "stuff" and even helped her move. You are a saint! Now my wish for you is time. First of all, to spend working on the fall out with respect to the children. You need to assess the situation from their point of view and evaluate how they are handling matters. And, you need to make considered decisions about what you want next. Take as much time as you can get. DO NOT allow yourself to be rushed by her. I hope you are calling your lawyer and keeping him/her informed of your progress. Outstanding post!
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