Ladyjane14 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Now I understand why she's been acting normal. She broke it off with the guy on the 23rd. Wow. Oh well. Now I understand. That's why she's been acting nice with me. It's kinda late since I made up my mind to go through with the divorce. No matter what happens. I have to be strong and steadfast and stay the course. It's not unusual to see quite a bit of 'back and forth' between the two affair partners and their spouses. What you've got here is TWO married people, each engaged in an affair, so the odds of all that "back and forth" are even higher with four people involved. IOW, just because they broke up a couple of days ago, it doesn't mean they'll stay that way for long. Oftentimes, the affair will resume again. At least until their next break-up. Inserting REALITY into the marital relationship makes the affair less attractive. Oftentimes the adulterer will react to the impending loss of their spouse by attempting to reengage in the marriage. This can lead to "false recovery" in some cases because all that "back and forth" isn't really played out yet. For a guy like you, or like EP, who has opted for divorce... you're likely to see a different response than a guy who's still hoping to save the marriage. In EP's thread, you can see the WW 'flipping out'. In your case, you're seeing some 'sweetness and light'. Both of these responses would appear to be a result of doubts on the part of the WW when faced with the imminent reality of divorce. I expect yours, if she continues in this vein, will be back-peddling her ass off next thing. THIS is the time to stick to your guns. No matter which course a betrayed spouse chooses, divorce or reconciliation... the line must be drawn here. The affair behavior will no longer be tolerated under any circumstances. Otherwise, you're liable to end up with all that "back and forth" going on for months on end.
El-Producto Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Way to stay strong azianpride... can I trade you STBXW's? Kidding of course
Author azianpride143 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Met with my lawyer today and he told me I need to slow down. He's advised me that I need to take my time and not rush into decisions. He also told me I need you to protect yourself and don't worry about her. I told him that I'm just concerned and wanted to make sure she can still survive on her own. Sometimes when you push a person to a corner, they may fight back hard and that's what I'm worried about. I just want to get out with as minimal damage, quickly, and as amicable as possible. I still have to get a long with her in the end for the kids sake. So he calculated some numbers and asked me to give this to my wife: $3200 mortgage $2200 rental cost ----------------- $1000 this needs to be split between me and her if she moves out prior to the house getting sold. I also have to add property taxes, gardener, and insurance so basically we were looking at $1500 total split between me and her. There is no way she can afford $750 out of her own pocket. To pay for another apartment, car payments/insurance and survive on her own. I showed her these numbers and she flipped out. She asked me why I was doing this to her and I said my lawyer told me this is how it's supposed to be broken down. If she wants to get proceeds from the home when it gets sold. We have to assume I am renting and that both of us are landlords. My lawyer is simply protecting my interests. She even asked my why am I paying so much to have a lawyer and I said I have to do this right. She walked away crying and said she will sign it. But she told me I have to understand that she has no way of paying it. I feel bad for what I am putting her through but this is the reality of the situation. My lawyer was even saying you can simply walk away from the home and still come out ahead if this doesn't turn out amicable. Right now the home is the last big issue we have to get over. I am a loss for words on this. I want this to be as friendly as possible. But I guess divorce is not designed to be that way. The lawyer said you can't put an, "Oh we'll figure this out later on clause". Then it doesn't become an agreement. We have to agree on what's fair for both parties. I have a feeling she wants to stay here until the house sells. What if the house doesn't sell in 3-6 months. Then I won't be able to move on. It would be difficult for me to pretend that the marriage has fallen apart. I love her but she needs to be free. But I care enough to make sure she'll be ok without my support. I would probably be flamed for this but when you love someone it's difficult to just throw them to the wolves. I know its not my problem anymore. But I can't help it. I just generally care so much for this person. I am in a slump on this.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 It's not unusual to see quite a bit of 'back and forth' between the two affair partners and their spouses. What you've got here is TWO married people, each engaged in an affair, so the odds of all that "back and forth" are even higher with four people involved. IOW, just because they broke up a couple of days ago, it doesn't mean they'll stay that way for long. Oftentimes, the affair will resume again. At least until their next break-up. Inserting REALITY into the marital relationship makes the affair less attractive. Oftentimes the adulterer will react to the impending loss of their spouse by attempting to reengage in the marriage. This can lead to "false recovery" in some cases because all that "back and forth" isn't really played out yet. For a guy like you, or like EP, who has opted for divorce... you're likely to see a different response than a guy who's still hoping to save the marriage. In EP's thread, you can see the WW 'flipping out'. In your case, you're seeing some 'sweetness and light'. Both of these responses would appear to be a result of doubts on the part of the WW when faced with the imminent reality of divorce. I expect yours, if she continues in this vein, will be back-peddling her ass off next thing. THIS is the time to stick to your guns. No matter which course a betrayed spouse chooses, divorce or reconciliation... the line must be drawn here. The affair behavior will no longer be tolerated under any circumstances. Otherwise, you're liable to end up with all that "back and forth" going on for months on end. LJ I agree with you wholeheartedly. I am prepared to move forward with the divorce regardless of the outcome. It will take more than a miracle to stop me at this point. We have reached the point of no return. Granted I still love her and some part of me hope that we can work this out. But this has to be done. One - to teach her a lesson. Two - to level the playing field. Three - to give me time to heal, breathe, and recover. If she wants to reconcile she has to wait. There's no guarantee that I will want her back once I see what's out there. Plus do I really want to go back to the way things were. Answer is NO way. I am glad she was confused and didn't decide immediately and stayed with the OM. It made me wake up to the reality that her love for me is long gone. I'm the one that's been hanging on all these years. I could not accept the fact that this marriage was long over. Now I do and now I need to end it.
sumdude Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Be a bit wary with lawyers, I'm not saying yours isn't doing a good job. but it is in thier nature to be aggressive and you want to retain control of the situation. Plus they love thier fees.
Sheba Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Azianpride You continue to demonstrate what a good heart you have. It is hard to get divorced without conflict. There is always some issue to fight about, unfortunately. My advice it that you work hard to get the "upper hand" in all important areas (kids and property and money) now. You may feel like a heel, but you can always give these things up later. I divorced my first husband. Shortly after we separated he found a new woman and wanted to move from Canada to the US to marry her. I took advantage of my chance to get him to agree to give me sole custody. For us, it was suitable, as I am the parent most interested in being a parent. However, despite my advantage, I have allowed my ex-husband to have generous and liberal access to the kids throughout, just as if he had an order to that effect. I felt better knowing I had control, but never needed to exercise it. It is like a safety net. Money in the bank. Also, you should decide if you feel comfortable with your lawyer's approach and then TRUST him/her. If you want to keep things amicable, say so. A lawyer is selling a service, just like any other person trained to have special skills and you need to have confidence in that person or find one that you do have confidence in. Good luck!
Author azianpride143 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 I agree. After thinking about this and sticking her with x amount of dollars she doesn't have. It just doesn't feel right. I don't see the point here. It will add more angst and fuel to the fire. I just want this to be fair and amicable. I know my lawyer has my best interest at heart. But I think I should just take care of this since I can afford to anyways and just to get over it. I don't see her surviving if I take a couple of hundred away from her take home pay. I would just do this out of goodwill. It's not much and it's only until we sell the home.
Darth Vader Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Azianpride You continue to demonstrate what a good heart you have. It is hard to get divorced without conflict. There is always some issue to fight about, unfortunately. My advice it that you work hard to get the "upper hand" in all important areas (kids and property and money) now. You may feel like a heel, but you can always give these things up later. I divorced my first husband. Shortly after we separated he found a new woman and wanted to move from Canada to the US to marry her. I took advantage of my chance to get him to agree to give me sole custody. For us, it was suitable, as I am the parent most interested in being a parent. However, despite my advantage, I have allowed my ex-husband to have generous and liberal access to the kids throughout, just as if he had an order to that effect. I felt better knowing I had control, but never needed to exercise it. It is like a safety net. Money in the bank. Also, you should decide if you feel comfortable with your lawyer's approach and then TRUST him/her. If you want to keep things amicable, say so. A lawyer is selling a service, just like any other person trained to have special skills and you need to have confidence in that person or find one that you do have confidence in. Good luck! I agree, you're trying to do the right thing in taking care of your wife, but, realize that she would throw you to the wolves if she had, or has the chance. Don't get suckered in by her playing injured. Strike while the Iron is Hot!
Author azianpride143 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 Yes I know she would have done that in a heartbeat given the chance. I will stay on the high road and will stick to my guns. I am ready to put up a fight if there are surprises. In the end, I'm out anyways. At least it will be easy on my conscience. So what if it cost me a couple thousand dollars. It's only money. Plus this is not alimony or child support. It's only until I sell our home. I consider this as my last goodwill. Once she is out of my life, it will be worth the price. I will be well off financially and emotionally. I am still the better person and don't even have to stoop low at all. Hurting her financially will not be as satisfying as knowing she let me go.
Darth Vader Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 You mentioned that even if you walk away from the house you will still come out ahead, how so? It's good you're sticking to your guns.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 It's almost a 4k payment every month on the house alone. I can rent a decent home for about $1800 a month. That's extra money in my pocket.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Wow it sounds like a lot of money is being tossed around, who knew divorce would be so expensive? But then again she's the one who left, Did she think she would get off scott free?
Author azianpride143 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 I just want to make sure she has her take home pay intact to survive. She needs this alone time more than me. I know she will still remain a good mother even after what she's said and done.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 Anyways yesterday evening she sends me a text letting me know she was going out with her friends. She asked me if it was ok for me to pick her up just in case she gets way too drunk. I said np. So I got my son to bed early and we hit the sack. I had "butterflies in my stomach again". It's just this weird eery feeling. So I dismissed it and went to sleep. Well woke up at 2:30am and she's still not home. I was worried so I sent her a text to ask her if she's alright. She sends me back a txt saying she's coming home later in the morning, she's sober, and ok. And for me to go back to bed. Now I'm worried but did not reply back. I know I shouldn't be caring but I am. It's more concern than hurt. After all she's still living here. I don't know why I still feel responsible for her like a dad to his kids. I just can't show her any emotions anymore. All I can do is suck it all in, take a deep breath and take it like a man. I thought this feeling was gone but it keeps coming back. I am glad I am not alone. This is giving me a chance to read other posts in the forums. I woke up at 5 am and she's still not home. I am assuming she slept over somewhere else. I got up at 7AM to exercise and meet with the realtor at 10AM for our home. I am going out with some high school buddies in the afternoon. I need to get out or else I'm going cookoo. BTW my 12 year old woke up at 4am saw me in the computer and said she's not home. She had this look of disgust in her face. At least she sees what her mom is doing. I don't even have to say anything.
Sheba Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Tell her to move out. Enough is enough. You and the kids do not need the stress of her shenanigans. It is ridiculous that your 12 year old witnessed her mother acting like a rotten teenager, not coming home, not telling anyone when she would. Write her a note if she wants one. Tell her in the note that her daughter knew she was out all night and that it is too stressful for you and the children to be left wondering where she is when she chooses to stay out all night. Tell her to move out NOW. Help her find a place to live, if you need to - or tell her to go live with one of her family members. Give her a deadline. The end of today would be a good one! Take the kids out for a day so she can pack her things and move them without them witnessing this event. Trust me on this: you and the kids should stay together in the home. Do not move out. Do not let her take the kids. It is their home too, they have enough to deal with when their mother is behaving like she is 17, never mind having to move. Sometime down the road you can find another home for you and the kids, or pay to your wife her interest in your current home or whatever. For now, she needs to GO and you need to STAY. If you get her out and you remain in the home with the children you will gain the upper hand in controlling the property and caring for the children. This is the RIGHT thing to do in your case: you are the one who can afford to live in the home, she cannot. You are the one who is a dedicated parent- she is not. Once she is out, angle for time through your lawyer to give the kids a chance to get their bearings. And you, too.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 She finally came home. Man 9:30AM. Talk about worse than a teenager. She said she was too drunk to come home. I didn't really care about her reasons. I sat down to talk to her and let her know that she doesn't have to pay me for the difference in the home payments anymore. That I have given her everything she's asked for with regards to the divorce. I told her she has until the end of next month to pack her stuff and go. She came back with why don't I stay. I asked why. Then I asked her what more do you want from me? I have given you everything. You are scott free. Then she told me she wants to make the marriage work. She said she broke it off with the guy a couple days ago. Honestly I don't see the sincerity she was having a hard time speaking. Plus she's probably dead tired from partying all night long. She mentioned there was a lot of reasons. I had my fill. I told her I'm going out and we can talk about this tonight. I am going out with my friends and I will try to enjoy myself. I can't wait to hear the reasons. I doubt if its going to be enough to make me stay. But we'll see. I just feel its too late. Too much has been said and done. I'll post the juicy details later.... :bunny: :bunny:
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 That's good news. If my SO said we can work it out after she did everything that your wife did I would have busted my guts laughing. Doesnt she know that when you mess up, it ends aburptly and coldheartedly. Alot of times there are no second chances and there is zero tolerance. I know if my SO ever cheated on me she wouldnt be where I would be. I always tell a woman if you go, stay gone!
Sheba Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 There are "reasons" for staying out all night drinking? Give me a break. This ought to be good. I wonder what she will come up with, given a day to dream things up? That she missed out on her youth and wants it now, so she stayed out all night to party like she didn't when she was 20? Too late! You are far too kind, giving her an entire month. And, perhaps foolish too, AP. That is a whole month for her to make you and the kids worry. A whole month of the awkwardness and discomfort. A whole month for everyone in the household to be under this terrible stress. Too long, by about a month, I think. I encourage you to make a cleaner, sooner break of it and try to get her out more quickly. She has family, she can live with family members while she looks for a home. I hope you have a good time today - you deserve it!
Gunny376 Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 BS! I'd be giving her two weeks to not be going ~ but to be gone. The only reason she's wanting to work on the marriage is because she's getting scared and having second thoughts. Six months to a year from now she'll put you and the children through the same crap. She's not suffered from the consequences of her actions, and she's still pulling her cheap tricks. If it were me I'd be telling you what you wanted to hear, and feeding you candy. I wouldn't be laying out all hours of the night until way early in the morning. This woman doesn't respect you ~ but I'd be giving her something to respect. She broke up with her boyfriend? That's be her problem ~ cause it sure as hell wouldn't b mine. Where she went to live would be her problem as well. Not mine! How she paid her bills would be her problem too. She had a good husband, a house, and she just threw it all away. I'd make her move out ~ and she'd have to earn her way back into the marriage, and into my life, with complete transparency, rules and bounderies!
Woggle Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 If you take her back I will hop on a plane to California myself and kick your ass. She made her decision ans now she has to face it. If you take her back she will just do this again so cut your losses and leave. Stop worrying about her. She wants to free and independent so let her be.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I'm going to save myself some typing ...and refer you back to my last post.... It's not unusual to see quite a bit of 'back and forth' between the two affair partners and their spouses. What you've got here is TWO married people, each engaged in an affair, so the odds of all that "back and forth" are even higher with four people involved. IOW, just because they broke up a couple of days ago, it doesn't mean they'll stay that way for long. Oftentimes, the affair will resume again. At least until their next break-up. Inserting REALITY into the marital relationship makes the affair less attractive. Oftentimes the adulterer will react to the impending loss of their spouse by attempting to reengage in the marriage. This can lead to "false recovery" in some cases because all that "back and forth" isn't really played out yet. For a guy like you, or like EP, who has opted for divorce... you're likely to see a different response than a guy who's still hoping to save the marriage. In EP's thread, you can see the WW 'flipping out'. In your case, you're seeing some 'sweetness and light'. Both of these responses would appear to be a result of doubts on the part of the WW when faced with the imminent reality of divorce. I expect yours, if she continues in this vein, will be back-peddling her ass off next thing. THIS is the time to stick to your guns. No matter which course a betrayed spouse chooses, divorce or reconciliation... the line must be drawn here. The affair behavior will no longer be tolerated under any circumstances. Otherwise, you're liable to end up with all that "back and forth" going on for months on end. You deserve better than to be somebody's fall-back plan. You KNOW that, don't you? I certainly wouldn't want to discourage you from saving your marriage or protecting your family dynamic. But dude, if you don't make sure she EARNS her way back... you'll be living this same scenario out again a year or two from now. She needs to know that you are 'NO EASY MEAT'. Seriously, she can't even call that a credible offer.... dragging herself in at 9:30 in the morning because she was "too drunk" to make her way home. That's ridiculous. It's irresponsible. It's childish. And don't even get me started on how f-ing INCONSIDERATE it is. (!!!!) For all you knew, she could've been dead in a ditch somewhere. And her, with children at home. Piss on that. She'd crawl on her belly before I even gave her a glimmer of hope, I promise you. Rant over. Think long and hard about this. You don't want to be dealing with the "same old-same old" a few years from now. Sexless marriage. Feeling like a perv just because you want some attention. Feeling like a fool because you let her come back without proving herself. Give some thought to what you would need from her in the form of boundaries and effort.
Darth Vader Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Too little, too late, IMO. Mr. Reality just payed her a visit that's all...... (Mr. Reality) walking in, breathing echos loudly, I'm hereeeeee! LOL! I wouldn't even waste the power in my Saber.
Gunny376 Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Too little, too late, IMO. Mr. Reality just payed her a visit that's all...... (Mr. Reality) walking in, breathing echos loudly, I'm hereeeeee! LOL! I wouldn't even waste the power in my Saber. "I love the Corps, I love the Corps! Sign me up for forty more!" Yea Right! Glad I did it! Proud I did it! Glad its over!
Woggle Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Divorce her and if in one year she still wants to be married do it with a prenup that describes in detail what would happen if a 2nd divorce should occur. If she can't give you that cut her loose for good.
mum2three Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 God, you sound like such a nice guy! I can't believe how kind and generous you are in this divorce b/c she is the cheater. Would you be required to help her financially if she moved out? Is there pre-alimony in your state? You are just too sweet for your WAS. All the nice guys are here on LS. Watch out for her trying to rope you back in. Unless she really proves herself to you and your child that she is serious on being a committed wife and mother and wants a family with you, only then do you carefully reconsider. But it sounds like you have made up your mind. Btw, Have you checked out Stampy's story? He's moved quickly too thru the divorce process. Zero tolerance.
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