azianpride143 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Hi. I've been trolling in the forums for a while reading what folks have gone through. Well here's my story. Me and my W have been married almost 15 years. We have 2 children 13 and 3. 7 weeks ago I found out that she was having an affair with a co-worker who's also married and has 2 kids. She admitted to the affair but refused to give up on the relationship. I have tried to save the marriage despite the odds that she is happy with this OM. We even went on a 7 day cruise to try to re-kindle what's left. We got married young and she feels that because of this she missed out and now wants to be free. Yes the usual freedom/independence speech I've seen in this forums. I am hurt but I have decided that enough is enough. She did not indicate at all that she was unhappy in our marriage. Not once. So this is all a complete shock to me. I have taken good care of her and the kids and spoiled her. I think this was part of the problem. She also acted like the alpha male in the relationship. I was more of the husband who was always home taking care of the kids and putting food on the table. But then our marriage has not been perfect. We have been both wrapped up in our careers. I want to try but she doesn't want to. Anyways we are filing for divorce next week with the help of a lawyer. I want her to move out and I'm willing to pay for an apartment for a month or two before she can move in with her brother. This will allow me some space and time to start moving on and picking up the pieces of what's left of out so called life. She is having difficulty understanding this. She told me since everything is out in the open why cant you just deal with this until the divorce gets final. I put my foot down and told her that I have had enough of this abuse and need to get moving with my life. Its over between me and her and its time for me to get on with my life. It feels that she wants to hold on to me while she's having fun with this guy. I'm like the backup just in case the excitement fizzles out. I'm sorry to burst her bubble but even if I love her she needs to learn that there are consequences. She thinks I can easily forgive her and take her back. I'm not stupid and have had my fill. I am officially out and there's nothing she say or do to change my mind. I am ready for the single life. Ready to face a new tune. This will also allow me to devote my time with my job and kids. I just cannot tolerate the abuse and pain anymore. This will give her the freedom that she seeks and me the peace of mind that it's over between me and her. I know it will be tough for me since we've been together so long and I still love her. But we are over and this is my way of being able to get on with my life. I just cannot tolerate her blatant text messaging, calling, and late evenings with her new lover. It was driving me nuts since she's doing it in my face. At least now she can do whatever she wants and I'm out of the picture. I can't believe how much similarities a lot of folks here go through and it helps to see what others go through and how others help them get over it.
Gunny376 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I'd give you some advice ~ but the thing is? It doesn't seem you need any! Way to 'man-up' ~ stay strong my Brother! :bunny:
sumdude Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I feel for ya.. You're doing what you have to do though and that's good. Just be sure you have you're legal ducks in a row and she doesn't get over on you just for being the woman.
Sup Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Make sure that YOU DON'T pay ANYTHING for her, like her apartment, SHE did this, not you. Go for sole custody if possible, cover your assets, 401k, etc. Make sure that YOU keep the house, if there is one. How long was this affair going on for, did you find out, or did she tell you?
Author azianpride143 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Well my money is her money too. I believe it may be an amicable divorce so far. But we'll see. At this time, I really dont care about the money so much. I just want to get the hell out. I noticed some changes after her Vegas trip. She went there with her sister to attend a bachelorette party. She said she stayed in the same room as her sister. But she had her own. So from what I've investigated more than likely the guy was out there to hook up with her. After she got back her attitude towards me has changed so much that I knew something was up. And then it was all downhill from then. According to her they started getting involved after Christmas so it's been 4 months. I have known this woman so long that I can read her easily when she lies. After she admitted the affair she said that they both decided that this was not something they wanted to pursue and that they should just remain friends for their families. But I knew it was to throw me off. She told me how unhappy she was with the marriage. So I told her to pick and then she asked for some more time. Again this was a smoke screen. So I kept up my guard and watched her closely. She told me I should stay closer to my client (my job pays for hotels, etc.) and we could use the break and I said ok. But I had a bad feeling about it. So I rented a car and drove back. Sure enough she was out with the guy and at it again. I drove around trying to figure out where they could be and almost gave up. It was late at night so I decided to grab some sushi at my favorite hangout. Sure enough as I was pulling in to the parking lot her suv was there. This is the place we just ate at 3 days ago. Everyone knows me there even the owner. So as soon as I walked in I asked the waitress where my wife is. She pointed inside the Tatami room and I asked her if she was with a group and she had this look before telling me she was with another guy. I peaked inside and saw how sweet they were sitting across from each other. The look of love in their faces almost made me faint. I walked out of the restaurant and will never forget what I saw. But as I was about to get in the car I decided I had to say something. I went back into the room and sat right beside my wife. The look of shock in both their faces. I said to both of them that they both have families and what they are doing is not right. They are playing with fire and they need to stop this. Then I stood up and walked away. My wife came home 2 hours later all pissed off at me. Like I ruined her dinner and her night. I just closed the door and went to bed. She slept in the other room. I figured it's no longer fun anymore since the affair is exposed. I had thought that by doing this she can see the light. I refused to accept defeat and tried to give her a chance to come clean. But all I got was a spat in my face and crushed emotions. I do love her a lot. More than she ever loved me. But then I knew she was gone. This guy has her in the palm of his hands. I started looking back through the years on what I did wrong. I could not find anything other than working a lot. I gave her everything she wanted. I put her up on a pedestal. But all I got was this hot/cold feeling. I was the one in love and she wasnt. All I felt was hate for me and my daughter. She blames both of us for ruining her youth. All these years I have put up with the verbal and emotional abuse. But I kept hoping that one day she would love me back. That's why one night in the cruise she said "you know in the last 14 years I have never loved you". That woke me up. That made me realize that I need to get out. She is not worthy of the love and attention I have given her. She needs to take a look at the mirror and see that it is her that have issues. Reading most of the posts here made me realize that I should only deal with what I have control with. I am a good man, provider, and father to my children. She has taken me for granted and never appreciated what I have also sacrificed to give my family a good life. All I wanted was to come home to a loving wife after a hard day's work and take care of me. I never had that in the last 14 years. I had always taken care of her. I commute 1.5 hours one way and when I get home I still cook dinner, take care of the kids, and have food ready for her when she arrives. All I get is bitching and being treated like I've commited a grave sin. The when we get to bed I have to beg for sex. I have had it. I have woken up and now I'm given a chance to be free I am taking it. She is the one having a hard time since she is so dependent on me. I can't wait for the day she walks out the door and I get all the locks changed. The day she signs the divorce paperwork and the day this becomes final. It's hard since I go through these emotional roller coasters day in and day out. I'm glad my family has rallied behind me and is helping me get through this. Someday I'll find that special someone who will make me feel like a man and will take care of me like I do with them. Sorry this is long but I wanted to get this off my chest.
melodymatters Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I'm sorry you are going through this. it DOES sound like you are doing all the right things, being strong, and that you ARE a good guy !! I have been doing some soul searching recently and realize that I have been selling myself short too. All I can do is resolve to try and treat myself better and to expect to get back what I give ( instead of just giving and giving and giving) Keep posting with updates and by all means vent to us and get it off your chest, just PLEASE break it up into paragraphs so more people are likely to read it and respond ! Good luck, melody
Author azianpride143 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Sorry I get kinda emotional with my initial posts. It's tough since it feels worst than going through a death in the family. I got back from the apartment leasing office and got an application for her to fill up. They said they can have a furnished apartment available next week. So I picked up some boxes, permanent markers, and packing tape at Lowes. She probably thinks I'm not serious about this. So I have all the boxes ready and taped up for her. I'll even give her some help putting all this on her suv or moving van. I know I should be treating her like trash. After what she's put me through. But it's just not my nature. I just want her out. If this is what it will take then so be it.
melodymatters Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Well, again you sound like a really nice guy, just don't be SO nice you get walked all over !! getting the moving stuff and setting up the apt, is a sure sign that you are serious, and since it seems like she wants her cake and to eat it too, maybe thats what needs to be done ! You deserve better and I'm sure when this is behind you, you will find it.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Oh she has walked all over me so many times it's not even funny. She had me twirled around her finger for the longest time. But the end is near. In the end I'll be happy just to be free. I just feel like I've been in prison so long I forgot how to love myself. I started to list the things I wanted to do in my life and I'm excited.
mammax3 Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Good luck! It's great that you're excited about this new step in life.
sumdude Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I started looking back through the years on what I did wrong. I could not find anything other than working a lot. I gave her everything she wanted. I put her up on a pedestal. But all I got was this hot/cold feeling. This is the constant refrain of the men whose wives leave them....and have affairs. I know I've sung it. Once they feel they own you and you are not a challenge at all for some reason they lose interest. It's totally illogical to a man and one of those things a lot of our parents never teach us. Law of supply and demand. The only thing you did wrong was give her everthing she wanted. Once she didn't have to work for anything you became a wimp in her eyes. Not that you are one but I'm learning now that this is just how it works in life. Sometimes we forget that we're still animals in a way and it's all about male dominace being attractive regardless of what popular cullture says. Take this lesson with you for the rest of your life. I learned it the hard way too. It's good and noble that you worry about the kids and you'll have to take time to explain things to them the best you can without your ex wife to be around. But they're resilient and will be fine in the long run unless of couse mom and other folks mess them up but you can't bear that burden. 1
sumdude Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Oh she has walked all over me so many times it's not even funny. She had me twirled around her finger for the longest time. But the end is near. In the end I'll be happy just to be free. I just feel like I've been in prison so long I forgot how to love myself. I started to list the things I wanted to do in my life and I'm excited. That's the spirit! You will be unburdened and have a huge life lesson that will serve you well.
Woggle Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Good for you for not begging her and blaming yourself. You are ghrowing your balls back and reclaiming your self respect. You have the right attitude and one day she will realize what she missed. Make sure that your next step is talking to a divorce lawyer and finding out a way to come out of divorce as unscathed as you can. You sound like me after my ex she cheated. It put it all in perspective that she never treated the way I deserved even after I did everything for her. I busted my ass to take us out of poverty and she repays me by cheating on me so I kicked her to the curb. You sound like you have the same mentality and I applaud you.
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 azianpride143, you sound like such a great man! I only wish I found someone like you. I believe one day she'll realize what she had and let go of, her current affair is probably temporary and won't go anywhere and she'll probably come groveling back, be strong.
RecordProducer Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Azian, I read all of your posts. Hugs from me and hang on there! You're doing great so far! :bunny: :bunny: Just don't try to be tough, it's OK to be angry and depressed.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Wow you have a great mindset, not weak but not crazy either. I was like in a relationship like that and I got rid of her first chance I had. It felt good. Keep doing what your doing and dont stop until it's over. I wish you all the best.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I figured it's no longer fun anymore since the affair is exposed. Have you exposed this affair to the OM's wife then? If you're sure you want out, and you sound like you are... there's not much benefit to be had by exposing before you've got her out of the house and into agreement on settlement. Exposure can be a great tool in ending affairs, but when opting to divorce an adulterer... I don't think it's unfair to take advantage of whatever openings her stupidity allows you. If she wants out badly enough, you'll have an advantage by allowing the "fantasy" to continue. That said, as soon as you've got the deal inked... give the OM's wife a call and clue her in if you haven't already. Do that for the sake of your conscience. I say that because I've got a friend who opted NOT to expose to the affair partner's spouse, and she's still regretting it three years later. Meanwhile, you've said you commute to work, so you might want to start thinking about ways that you can be a little closer to your kids. Don't settle for being a Weekend Dad. You can talk with your attorney about getting primary custody, but I think you might do a little better on that if you're living closer to work or working closer to home. That way, even if you end up with joint custody you'll be able to juggle work and home a little better. Currently, you're giving up 3 hours a day to commuting. Those 3 hours might be better spent bonding with your kids and being a daily influence in their lives.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Yes the idea of exposing the affair has been in my head from the beginning. I wanted to do this so bad just to let the OW know whats happening. But then again I wanted to take the high road and don't really care about her anymore once she's out. But then I still have that moral obligation. I will do so once the timing is right. Just for my conscience's sake. Now with regards to jobs. It's typical in California that folks commute since it's expensive to live where u work. My 13 (soon to be 14) year old daughter is in high school and I really don't want to uproot her from her friends. Especially in the light of the divorce. It may to be hard on her. I'm also looking at doing a job transfer where I don't travel as much. The only issue is most jobs are in the city and not in the suburbs where you have to commute. Once my daughter is in college I do plan on moving closer but thats another 3 more years. What sucks to is that they are trying to promote me to a position 3 levels above than what I currently have. This is the highest position in the my field. So I may have to turn it down since I know this will require more time away from my kids, more travelling, more pay, and more responsibilities. I need the money but that can wait. The kids take the higher priority right now. Since they need me.
Author azianpride143 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Azian, I read all of your posts. Hugs from me and hang on there! You're doing great so far! :bunny: :bunny: Just don't try to be tough, it's OK to be angry and depressed. Believe me I get angry, depressed, crazy, and cry a lot as well. I am starting to channel all this to keep me going. Unfortunately I can't show my wife that I'm hurt/weak anymore. I do those things when I'm alone. I may look strong but I'm also hurting deep inside. I'm sick and tired of being a doormat and now bringing my "A" game. I'm glad I found this forum. All the support helps make my day.
Gunny376 Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Man! You are Spartian ~ you are Summari ~ your Hard Corps! You're NVC~ your the man! Keep posting, guys and gals need to heed your story on how to man-up! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:
Author azianpride143 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 It's also hard to keep "poker faced" when you have to deal with this person everyday. I have a feeling the divorce will not be "amicable" as I expected it to be. The two main issues are the house and custody of the kids. She is assuming that I will remain in the home, keep paying for it, and in 2 years sell the house and give her half? I may have been nice to her but I aint "snupid". The same with the kids. She wants me to have my daughter and she wants to keep my son. She said these very words that I can never forget - "You can have your daughter. She's tainted (I guess bec. she is aware of what's happening) and I will keep our son.". I'm sorry to burst her bubble but there is no way in hell she will split up the kids. I had originally thought this was going to be an amicable divorce. But I guess not. I will fight for my kids tooth and nail to keep them together. I could care less about the house. She thinks she can use this as leverage. But she doesn't realize my daughter is old enough to have her own counsel to listen to her thoughts on this issue. I think that's my ace and if it ever comes to that. I'm getting the paperwork for her to sign the "no contest divorce" this Wednesday. But hearing this from my brother in law. Man I am pissed.
Gunny376 Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 DAMN money! DAMN assets! Its essential you keep those kids together! When you and the Hex are dead and gone ~ they're going to need each other in life. That's the reason I took as much as I could on. To include all the bills and even the wifes car payment ~ and it paid off in Spades. My step-daugther, daughter, and son are tight!
Author azianpride143 Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Hopefully I will have the determination to keep up the fight for my right to custody. I feel that since my daughter knows how much more of a parent I have been with both my kids. Hopefully that will have some weight in court if it has to go down like that. Your right I'm prepared to give her alimony or do whatever for my kids. They are all I have. I don't understand why it has to be this way. So I just have to be as quiet, patient, and "poker face" as ever.
Sup Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 DAMN money! DAMN assets! Its essential you keep those kids together! When you and the Hex are dead and gone ~ they're going to need each other in life. That's the reason I took as much as I could on. To include all the bills and even the wifes car payment ~ and it paid off in Spades. My step-daugther, daughter, and son are tight! How did it pay off, you lost me there....... AP143, Like I was saying, go for the house, and SOLE custody of the children. You DON'T want to be paying child support/alimony for HER crap! And NO! This WILL get VERY heated as the Divorce goes on, get a GOOD Lawyer, you'll need it. Mention what you do to the lawyer, about cooking, cleaning, etc. Gunny called you everything good but, You're a Marine! He doesn't give those bunnies for nothin either!
Author azianpride143 Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Maybe someday I can be as good on the range as Gunny is. I am however not a bad shot at all. I go to the range at least 2x a week to vent. I find it quite therapeutic. Well my wife is moving her cell number to her own account. I'm glad I don't have to see those calls on my bill anymore. Then I guess she had a nice chat with her sister and I guess she heard an earful and just sent me a text message saying, "thanks for spreading the news all over the world. I'm happy u told everyone my lovely character." I'm so tempted to reply back with a "Your welcome" or "Thanks for destroying our marriage" but then that's putting more fuel to the fire. I will fight for the home. But then again there's not much equity in it to fight over. I just want to keep it for bragging rights. She can't afford the payments anyways. The custody I will fight for. But then I'm also thinking how much of a burden having kids around for her. She can't even take care of them when she's home. So I don't even understand why she wants them. But then again its leverage. Even if I look strong. I still have a long ways to go. I'm still going through bouts of depression, anger, happiness, and pain. That roller coaster ride is still going. The difference is I'm not as lost as I was a couple weeks ago. Plus this site keeps me going. The company here is addictive.
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