NC for weeks, "What is she up to?"

[buffalobill]

Well this is my story. I got dumped on vacation in Cancun from my GF of 3.5 years. It was in my opinion a great core relationship with issues that could be over come with some work. She is an admitted commitment phobic. Two days before we left for vacation she met this guy at a club who she said made her question her feelings for us. Then came a whole list of all my faults and how I wasn’t the guy for her. I got the whole “I am so confused” BS line. I told her we couldn’t move forward until she finished what she started with guy. I didn’t to be looking out in the crowd and wondering. I gave her space. I began NC. Note: she ended up in bed with guy the next week. Really confused?

 

Three weeks into NC, and I saw her driving, I broke down and I called her on her cell and asked her if we could talk. I told I saw her and just could not pass and not say hello. She then started in with how sorry she was that she hurt me and that I was not the guy for her and that we had no future. Her attitude toward me was that I was no longer relevant in her life. Sensing this, I retreated to the can’t we just be friends thing, suggesting lunch or sharing wine sometime in the distant future. What a WUS I was begging to be friends with this person who didn’t give two shxx about me. Her idea of friends is that we remain civil and wave across the crowd if we run into each other someday, fine. In short, I was gracious through this thing and gave her space. What is getting back to me via her friends is how SHE is telling them wonderful her new dude is to her and that how I would never do what this guy does. Her friend tells me that she seems to be trying very hard to justify dumping me. They are still in the honeymoon stage.

 

This is my question: One month into NC from the last we met, where I was the WUS, she breaks NC and I get the e-mail which had a cold business tone, telling me that she had someone who was willing to give me SOME money toward an airline ticket for another vacation with her friends which we had planed for May of this year. No asking how I was doing or anything else like that. Keep in mind that the ticket I had was already deeply discounted compared to current market value. But, most importantly she is a very experienced traveler and knew full well that the ticket was not transferable. There was not point in e-mailing me under this pretense. Why is she e-mailing me with this BS excuse, but also what is up with the cold tone. I answered back a week later, in the same tone with less than ten words ”The ticket is non-transferable”. That’s it, just as cold as her e-mail. Why would she try to open conversation with me with that kind of attitude? Is she mad at my NC and want to let me know she is still alive? What gives?

 

We are back in NC now for last two weeks. Item of note: we have a function coming up in the first week of May where we will be in close quarters. She had the option not to attend, but has committed to be there. She could change her mind by then. This will be the basis of my follow up question. Stay tuned.

[elliann679]

I'm really sorry about this whole thing, sweetie. It's complete crap. You need to start playing some games.

 

This function that's coming up...is it a party? If so, I need you to find the best looking chick you know. I don't care if she's your cousin, platonic friend, whatever...just as long as your ex-gf doesn't know her. If this seems impossible, hell.. hire an escort! Just make sure she's on her best behavior, looks absolutely stunning, and clings on to your every word. When you get to this function with your date, make sure you give your ex a friendly "hello". Do not be cold. Be nice, but not overly. Then, put ALL of your attention back on your date.

 

Jealousy is a beeeeitch.

[Yamaha]

Why do you care? She was with you for 3 1/2 years and when she met a new guy she dumped you overnight to be with him. This shows no regard to you but is very disrespectiful. You should put such a person out of your life. I know you are curious but just let her go and don't try to figure out her motives. You'll be much better off in the long run.

[Icantletgo]

Your ex was probably not happy for awhile..way before she broke up with you.

 

if your relationship was really happy and secure she wouldn't have moved on so fast.

 

she didn't email you to see what you were up to. she really wanted to get all her business that is left tied to you over with. move on and don't look into her actions.

 

she's selfish. it hurts but my ex was selfish too.

 

don't be friends with her. I tried that and iwas hurt the whole time cause he's already dating someone else.

 

my advice is to finalize any other strings still left attached to her and move on the best you can.

 

I mean, maybe the guy she is withis the guy of her dreams and maybe they'll live happily ever after. the point is though, you can't be waiting around. you need to be happy for yourself now. good luck.

[Guest]

That is exactly what happened to me about a month in. I finally received an email that was cold and business like and asked not one word how I was.

 

Please listen to me. I recieved so much advice to go NC and yet I found every excuse in the book to break it. I might as well have beat myself in the head with a brick because that's in a sense what I was doing . To be ignored and/or treated coldly by someone who said they loved you is one of the painful things anyone can ever experience.

 

As long as there is contact she will find ways to justify her actions. You have to disappear. Completely from her life. Nothing is going to change if she knows you are still around. How can she miss you if you are still there in one form or another?

 

The main reason though is for YOU to know there is a life and a future without her. Even if its filled with unhappiness and misery early on which we all experience. Its like a drug addict going cold turkey.

 

Stay as busy as you can. Avoid places and things as much as you can that remind you of her. We all know how hard that is because it seems EVERYTHING reminds us early on. You see their car everywhere. Their fave song on the radio. A TV commercial. Anything and everything.

 

It WILL get better but you have to help yourself. Stay strong. Put my heart aside and think..just think...would you want someone capable of treating another person like this?

[Sal Paradise]

Why do you care? She was with you for 3 1/2 years and when she met a new guy she dumped you overnight to be with him. This shows no regard to you but is very disrespectiful.

 

Exactly.

 

Seriously Bill you need to let her go and move on. You're desperately grasping at straws trying to look for any hint that she wants you back. She met a guy 2 days before you go on vacation and then dumps you while you're on vacation. That is pathetic. If after 3 1/2 years she falls out of love that quick then she isn't worth it and is most likely a slut who falls for any guy who gets her excited.

 

Find a real woman.

[stillafool]

We are back in NC now for last two weeks. Item of note: we have a function coming up in the first week of May where we will be in close quarters. She had the option not to attend, but has committed to be there. She could change her mind by then. This will be the basis of my follow up question. Stay tuned.

 

Do you have the option not to attend this function? If so you shouldn't.

[buffalobill]

You guys all write the truth! My friends have been telling me the exactly same message, but hearing it you guys rings more true. You are all correct in that I am clinging to crumbs that she realizes that she made a mistake and wants me back. In reality I think she just wants to fuxx with my head. Regarding this function, my motivesd are shallow. Since going NC I have been working out like Rocky and updating my style. To be honest I am in top form once again ( got lazy when I was with her) and kind of want to shove it in her face. I understand her new dude is not the looker, but kisses her ass. I was never into that, thus her issue.

Anyway, there is no way out of this upcoming function on my end. She could elect out, but I can not. Question?, if she does not bail out, what signal is this sending me? If she has moved on and doesn’t give a shxx about me and wants to show me her resolve? If she wants space and me out of her life, why would she put herself in that situation? If I were her I wouldn’t! If this thing goes down, how do I act?

[Living_For_Me]

Hi Buffalobill

 

I know exactly what you're going through mate. My g/f of 3 1/2 years also left me for some guy she barely knew.

 

It isn't going to be easy but you have to kick this little girl to the curb and find a real woman who appreciates the value of a long term relationship.

[stillafool]

Question?' date=' if she does not bail out, what shxx about me and wants to show me her resolve? If she wants signal is this sending me? If she has moved on and doesn’t give a space and me out of her life, why would she put herself in that situation? If I were her I wouldn’t! If this thing goes down, how do I act?[/b']

 

Well that depends on what this function is. Is it a wedding or an affair where mutual friends of yours are there? If so it could be that she wants to show up for her friend and not necessarily to show you anything except that she has moved on, if she brings her new BF. Even if she shows up alone it doesn't mean that she wants you back but again wanted to show her support for her friend at the function. If I were you I wouldn't go there expecting anything from her.

 

I am glad you have been working out and look great. I just hope if your ex is there that you don't spend so much time worrying about her that you miss out on some really cute, nice lady who will be checking you out.

 

Here's a bit of advice if you do run into your ex, whether alone or with her BF, say hello to her (them), smile and make a positive comment about the function, tell her (them) you hope they have fun and walk away. I am a woman and that would "throw me" if my ex did that to me. This will let her know you are looking and feeling great and have moved on also.

[buffalobill]

Thanks guys for you input! This is the situation. My ex & I do bar/food service for private house parties. Consquently, I will be the bartender work less than eight feet from my ex. I heard she has been working out as well and expect her to be in top form as well if she shows up for this gig. In my previous treads I am sure I came across as confident, but in reality I have days where I miss her so much. My issue is that in one moment I miss her and want her back, and in the next I fear the very thing that I want. I still fantasize that she realizes that she made a mistake and wants me back, but I know in my heart this will never happen. If she ever did want me back how could I ever trust her again once I know what she is capible of. Is this a common feeling?

[MattNZ]

BB,

 

Keep us posted on what happened at the function! Eager to find out! And I can relate to everything you say about wanting them back and fearing that wanting at the same time!

[buffalobill]

[FONT=&quot]Well guys, I am hours way from finding out if my ex is going to do this function with me and I am torn. I have thinking about this show down way too much lately. I wonder if she is thinking about this or is it just some pimple on her asx. I have made it six week from our last meeting, about nine since we broke up. When last we meet I was so weak, and I think she will be expecting that same dude (groveling sap). Will she be rude to me as to “not encourage” me, give me a break! At this point, I am still not where I need to be in regards to getting over her, but I am on track. I am in no mans land” can’t go backward and can’t go forward”. With less that a week away I feel like I will be sticking myself in the balls with an ice pick no matter if she shows or not. This is the milestone that I have to pass if I am going to heal. I will analyze it to death. On the other hand, I was going through some old photos of her and I thought to myself, she really isn’t all that compared to the standard that I am holding myself to these days. Maybe the luster is wearing off and I am going to make it through. Summer is coming! I just need to be patient[/FONT]

[MattNZ]

So, what happened?

[buffalobill]

No definite confirmation yet on if she is going to show up for this function, but my gut says she will. I will keep you posted.

I had a step back and progress forward this week and I want to bounce it off you guys. I had a friend who got access to a picture of my ex and her new boyfriend together. My friend was reluctant to send them to as not to stall my healing, but I insisted. I know what some of you are thinking, why would I stick myself in the leg like that. The reason is that it was driving me crazy as to what did this guy look like who bested me so to speak. (not really). Every time I would see dudes who fit the general description, I would get these head movies, is that what he looks like? Anyway, I open the pics, and saw the happy couple, living it up, while I sit here in pain. It felt like someone kicked me in the balls. I just stared. It was hard to grasp. The guy was not bad looking , but a complete different look than myself. She looked very happy. I realized then that our mature 3.5 years could not compete with this fresh new summer infatuation. I did not feel anger toward anyone of them, but rather sadness that I lost my companion for good. I was also told that she is telling people that she knew he was the “one” after two weeks and that they told each other they loved each at that time. What a joke, how high school is that. Although it hurt for a day, when I woke I had a sense of additional closure. She looked like such a traitor in the pic to me. This image is burned in my minds eye and I don’t think I could ever take her back. Now my feelings about this upcoming fuction have changed. Where I once looked forward to seeing her again in hopes that she would miss me, now I feel like now I am subjecting myself to seeing that bitxx that adds no value to my life and only pain. She is the only one with upside here. She has this new boy friend now, can come to the fuction, say she say to all our friends that she felt nothing when she saw me, and made the correct decision about dumping me. One last kick in the balls for the road. When thinking about second chances, beware what you wish for! Peace

[annabelle75]

I'm so sorry seeing the picture made you feel like this. I know how painful it is. But it really may be for the best. This may be what you need to see in order to force you to move on. She isn't coming back and I think you realize that now. Even if her current relationship doesn't work out, any woman that would leave a man after that much time for a guy she just met, isn't worth it. You deserve better than that.

 

It really is time to move on. Have you considered dating yet? I know you may not feel emotionally ready yet, but just going out for a drink with some one new may help give you a new perspective on your future. It may be hard to see your future with out her right now, but you need to know that there is one and there is a woman out there that will love you and appreciate you the way you deserve.

 

Hang in there.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No definite confirmation yet on if she is going to show up for this function, but my gut says she will. I will keep you posted.

I had a step back and progress forward this week and I want to bounce it off you guys. I had a friend who got access to a picture of my ex and her new boyfriend together. My friend was reluctant to send them to as not to stall my healing, but I insisted. I know what some of you are thinking, why would I stick myself in the leg like that. The reason is that it was driving me crazy as to what did this guy look like who bested me so to speak. (not really). Every time I would see dudes who fit the general description, I would get these head movies, is that what he looks like? Anyway, I open the pics, and saw the happy couple, living it up, while I sit here in pain. It felt like someone kicked me in the balls. I just stared. It was hard to grasp. The guy was not bad looking , but a complete different look than myself. She looked very happy. I realized then that our mature 3.5 years could not compete with this fresh new summer infatuation. I did not feel anger toward anyone of them, but rather sadness that I lost my companion for good. I was also told that she is telling people that she knew he was the “one” after two weeks and that they told each other they loved each at that time. What a joke, how high school is that. Although it hurt for a day, when I woke I had a sense of additional closure. She looked like such a traitor in the pic to me. This image is burned in my minds eye and I don’t think I could ever take her back. Now my feelings about this upcoming fuction have changed. Where I once looked forward to seeing her again in hopes that she would miss me, now I feel like now I am subjecting myself to seeing that bitxx that adds no value to my life and only pain. She is the only one with upside here. She has this new boy friend now, can come to the fuction, say she say to all our friends that she felt nothing when she saw me, and made the correct decision about dumping me. One last kick in the balls for the road. When thinking about second chances, beware what you wish for! Peace

 

You have the wrong attitude about that, you need to be confidence about yourself. 3 some odd years is hard to erase I know. But if she has emtional problems than the problems not you. In 3 years she probably move on to some other dude. If this guy kisses her ass she's gonna be bored with that and bounce. Dont dwell on the past just live for you. Move on their's too many fish in the sea.

[buffalobill]

Well its official, game on, she is doing the function, fucx!! Now what.

 

[FONT=&quot]Annebell75, I have tried the dating thing right out of the gate. I did the e-harmony thing and it was depressing. I tried to fill this void and it never worked. I went on these dates and I could tell that these women really digged me but I wasn’t feeling it. I found myself comparing all of their short comings to my ex that I never really gave them a fair shot. Moreover, I found myself discounting all of their qualities as well. I read in one tread on this site that you are not over your ex until you know that IF they ever came back and begged for you back, that you could say “fucx off”. Sad to say I don’t think I am there yet, but very very close!

[/FONT]

[annabelle75]

Well its official, game on, she is doing the function, fucx!! Now what.

 

Annebell75, I have tried the dating thing right out of the gate. I did the e-harmony thing and it was depressing. I tried to fill this void and it never worked. I went on these dates and I could tell that these women really digged me but I wasn’t feeling it. I found myself comparing all of their short comings to my ex that I never really gave them a fair shot. Moreover, I found myself discounting all of their qualities as well. I read in one tread on this site that you are not over your ex until you know that IF they ever came back and begged for you back, that you could say “fucx off”. Sad to say I don’t think I am there yet, but very very close! [/FONT]

 

I'm not a big fan of internet dating. I've never had successful relationship with a guy I met at a dating site, myspace or any other venue. And by successful I just mean meeting some that was not completely insane and that I had actual chemistry with.

 

Right now I don't think is a good time to be thinking about meeting some one that you want to start seriously dating. You don't need that kind of pressure and you need time to get over your ex. What you need right now is some fun. Go to a bar or some where with your friends and talk to a pretty girl. You don't have to ask her out or even get her phone number, just talk to some one new. Not only will it get your mind off of your ex (for even a short period of time), but it will let you see that when you are ready to move on there are women out there for you to move on with. Your ex has broken your heart and crushed your self esteem. Its time to start building yourself back up again.

 

You may feel like sh*t now, but this is all a part of the healing process and eventually it won't hurt so much. You sound like you are already taking the right steps to moving on. Just keep it up.

[buffalobill]

Guys I really need some support tonight. It is two days before this function where I am going to see my ex for the first time since 2 months of NC. I am freaking out with panic. I heard that the reason why she is going is that she didn’t want to let the other members of the team down. She also added that she is also feeling uneasy and that she hopes that I work in an area far way from her. I don’t know what to expect regarding my feelings. Will I go back to day 1, or will I feel more closure.

 

There is another twist to this story. I just found out that the guy she dumped me for who wined/dined & showered her with gifts is now suddenly in bad financial shape. Hmm, I think I have heard that story before. Suddenly he tells her that his ex wife is suing him for $14,000 and he has escalating lawyer bills, and can no longer wine/dine. This was the original foundation of their relationship. Now she has confided in a friend that she is questioning if is can still date him under these conditions.

 

This is how screwed up I am. On one hand I still hope that this will be a chance for us again, but I also have healed to the point where I do not what to be a second best fall back guy. I would have no self respect, and I would lose the respect of my friends that have supported me through this. In addition, if she breaks up with this dude, and make no play on me, then I will really feel rejected. I can not win in my mind.

 

Please give me your thoughts.

[daisydo]

I think you definitely have the upper-hand in this situation. Now you need to focus on maintaining this advantage.

 

She dumped you to be with a loser with baggage - lets face it. I am sure at this point she realized that she made a mistake. She will most likely come crawling back at some point - but you have to make her work for it of course. If you just fall to her knees and kiss her shoes, she will never appreciate you or respect you.. but if you make her work for you.. there could be a chance there.

 

Then again, she could also just have become warn out on yall's relationship. It does happen.. the dating of the loser could have been a symptom of a greater problem and not the root cause of the breakup.

 

I would take a two-tier approach. I would be aloof and distance. Do not go out of your way to say hello to her or ask her anything.. But if you do HAVE to interact with her - smile, be friendly and cheerful - you want her to think that you have moved on and her presence isn't disturbing in the slightest. If she brings up anything "deep" just tell her "hey don't worry about it" or "not now" or something casual like that.

 

Just try to keep the conversation to a minimum.. make her work for it. You don't want to make it known that you want her back or anything.

 

Oh and make sure you dress to the nines and look real sharp.

[Yamaha]

I think you should be happy she dumped you because after 3 years you could have been married to this women and she probably would have made your life hell. I would go to the function with the thought that you don't want her back and when/if you see her, smile and act like you are giving no thought to her. Her comment about wanting you to stay away is because she thinks you are still in-love with her and it will make her feel uneasy. Hold you head up high and show yourself as a confident, happy person.

[buffalobill]

Daisydo & Yamaha:

 

Thanks for your encouragement! I had that plan in my mind, but when I saw it in writing it will become my road map. I may even keep a copy in my pocket for encouragement! In reality I believe this thing will be anti-climatic where we will act fake / polite to each other, avoiding each other as much as possible. We will say a brief goodbye and ride off into the sunset. However, I still believe that if I was her, there would be no amount of money or loyalty to my casual friends that would make me put myself in a situation with my ex.

 

Another twist, her brother which is her roommate as well is very homosexual. Her dude is a hick homo-phobe and very uncomfortable hanging out at their place making it known. She is very protective of her brother who is a great person. I see another crack in their foundation. How can this last between them?

 

I am less that 24 hours now and feel much more confident. I just hope my nervousness doesn’t show through!

 

Peace

[buffalobill]

Guys I made it threw!! Thanks to all you input I kicked ass. I was super confident and it showed. People who that havn’t seen me in a year commented on how great I looked and asked what I was my secret. Of course the ex heard all!. The event went great, and I couldn’t have scripted it any better.

 

When I walked into the room, my ex was extremely nervous and uptight. I exchanges hellos with everyone in the room including the ex, but did not give her any special treatment. As the event went on I just acted like the confident/outgoing bartender, catching her checking me out several time during the evening. She approached me several times during the event for some lite chit-chat. Again, I just acted unaffected by her presence and was super friendly. She was nervous the whole night. At one point we were discussing a drink recipe and she leaned against very subtlety giving me physical contact, but completely not necessary. At the ending of the evening she informed me that she had a bag of my stuff in her car that she wanted to give me. It was a bunch of stuff that could have been just thrown out. Example, a single sock, and a pair of really beat sneakers. I suspect an opportunity for a conversation. At the end we had a pleasant conversation regarding the event and said our goodbyes. I strongly feel that I sent her home pondering. However, something occurred that really got to me which I need some input regarding.

 

For the past several month, my ex has been telling the world that she is over me and never wants to encourage me. Keep in mind that we have been doing NC for two months. When I saw her, she is wearing a pair of very expensive diamond hoop earrings that I gave her for an anniversary, and made it obvious. She has hundreds of earrings and did not have to wear these. I acted like I did not notice. If she did not want to encourage me, why would she wear them in my presence? Help me out here. What is her message or motive for wearing them. Am I reading too much into this? Any input from the ladies would be greatly appreciated.

 

At the end of the day I did realize that I still was attracted to her and still loved her. (but never let her know it). That being said, I felt like I came out on top. I realized that I want to be with her, but more importantly I don’t HAVE to be with her. I cannot make her want to be with me and am done trying. Her loss, life goes on. I know she is still attracted to me, but this maybe overshadowed by her inter feeling that I am not the correct guy for her. Only time will tell. As for the future, we really have no further reason to speak to each other. I am planning on doing full NC. I strongly believe that her current relationship is doomed and crumbing. It should be interesting to see where I fit into this.

 

Thanks again for your input!

[Coyote9]

I'm in agreement with the guys who are voting to kick her to the curb. I kept going back to a woman that broke up with me 5 times in the last 6 months of our 15 months relationship. Once on the phone and the last one via a "dear John" letter on my kitchen table after she'd been staying at my house taking care of my dog while I was on a business trip. No discussion, no explanation other than "I realize I don't miss you and that I'm not in love with you like you say you are with me." I realize now, I should have done the no contact thing 6 months earlier. We can't make anyone else love us despite our best intentions, honest words or heartfelt pleadings....and in my experience those passionate actions on my part simply hastened her trip out the door. Mature people do not end relationships the way your ex did or mine. We deserve better, and from what I've read of about the guys who have posted here, we have treated others better. It's been a month of NC for me and I've decided the game is up....I'm moving on and not looking back, even as part of my prideful self will wants to see if she's hurting or has any regrets. It doesn't matter, the trust is gone and the damage done. I have learned to listen to my intuition and not wait for someone who isn't capable of truly giving me what I want anyway in a mature relationship. I know in time we'll all get past this stuff and love again. For me ANY contact or efforts to expect her to give me closure or some sort of clarity as to why she did what she did simply keeps me in pain and stuck longer. Let us know how you're doing Bill....

Coyote