happy OW/OM

[pricillia]

Yeah. It certainly was a wake-up call to me. I do believe he loved me' date=' in his own way. Had he not have been M with kids, and responsibilites...we would have been good together. But, it's no good playing "what if". I did that for the 3 months I was building up the courage to end it. Bottom line, had he loved me "enough", we would be together right now. We aren't. And when he made that offer, in spite of ALL the other things I had seen and heard to the contrary (which showed he had deep feelings for me)...in that moment, I felt like he saw me as a whore. I was great to have sex with, have fun with, and so on....but not good enough to make a life with.[/quote']

 

 

Yes you are good enough to make a life with, he was just unavailable, that is not your fault at all.

 

If he saw you as a whore then what is he... men and women are equally responsible for thier bodies...

 

Loving someone and giving yourself to them does not make you a whore

[rdnkgrl31]

At first I was quite content w/ just being an OW, I didn't want anything else. Until I fell in love, then I wanted more. Yet, just recently is when I began to really just get tired of being no where near the top of his list. A year and a half later. And the strange thing is this, sometimes I tell myself to just stick w/ what I have, b/c really I don't want anything more serious. It's weird. So sometimes, I am okay with the way things are, and other times, it's just not enough.

 

We have now been in NC for 18 days, so who knows.....

[pricillia]

for me... NC means end of relationship and time to move on....

 

I would personally not torture myself with counting the days unless I like that sort of thing.

[woe_is_me]

yay! i just got my 2nd job back! (that i quit when xMM called after 4 years of no contact - i fell in a big pathetic heap) I've also regained the 3/4 of a stone i lost.

 

That's almost 3 months ago now. Time does indeed heal.

 

And FN i read in your other post about yours contacting you again.. gee they're strange.

[woe_is_me]

How many of you OW/OM are content being in that role?

Do you stay because you still have hope that one day you will be with your mm and he will demonstrate his love for you by leaving home.

 

If he makes it clear that he isn't leaving, how many of you have immediately ended the affair and eventually moved on?

OR how many have stayed as the OW and learnt to accept second best?

Did it lower your self esteem and dignity over time when you opened your eyes and realised the MM/MW was basically using you to fit in with their needs while their priority was always going to be their spouse and children?

 

At what stage did you decie that you deserved a whole life rather than settling for crumbs. Was it knowing that the MM/MW wasn't that in love with you but would "take it" so long as it was on offer?

Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, the MM/MW gave you less and less respect eventually tiring of you and going on to find another bit on the side?

 

I'll be honest ..i would've stayed as the OW and learnt to accept second best.

 

His guilt and conscience were what made him stop seeing me.. i was in love with this guy .. i probably still am in a way.

 

Last time he left i just accepted that his M and children meant far too much to him.. i stopped counting the days after 3 years..

 

And his actions since calling me and mine in calling him back and accidentally getting him busted.. have shown me his choice yet again.. i think...

 

I don't know that the A lowered my self esteem .. i just knew i missed him dreadfully when it ended. It was like grieving somebody who'd died.

Because i didn't work with him nor do i live nearby.

 

My life is/was 'whole' and i knew he adored me.. i do remember a time during the A when i just felt used. It wasn't nice...

Then sometimes he used to come and see me and not even want to do anything! just to show me that sex wasn't what he was seeing me for...by this time though i was really physically and emotionally in love with him and didn't care about all this respect he was trying to show me.. He was so sexy i just wanted to rip his clothes off..

 

I know this post will probably get me into trouble .. oh well ..i'm just thinking out loud

[SoxPrincess]

I was content being the OW for probably 2 or 3 weeks; once xMM declared his love for me, I wanted to be with him all the time and being the OW wasn't cutting it anymore. What made it worse was xMM would call me and complain to me about how awful life was at home, he would call me after he and his W would argue and when she would physically assault him and I could never understand why he was still there (aside from his children). Of course, now I know it's because he was full of it, but at the time that was what made me discontent with being the OW, I wanted to rescue him and make his life better.

[Unforgetable77]

... this is the first time i have replyed to any of these threads, but have sat here for hours at a time reading and looking for answers but still none the wiser.... i have been the OW on and off for the last 15 yrs, on every occasion i have walked away but even after 3yrs apart we have ended up back in each others arms, so i begin to ask myself why?..... what is it that takes us back to the place we escaped from? is it that i'm not strong enough? or is it destiny/fate i don't know and i certainly don't have the answers!!!!

..... every individual relationship is different and everyone has thier own story.... all i know is i have truly loved this man from day one and still do very much and during the time apart i never stopped thinking about him, it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do... it took so much strength to resist the temptation of his calls, i caused all this hurt and pain to myself and not sure at all why cause i've never moved on and now i'm back where i started!!!!

sorry not even sure this is a reply to the original thread:eek: i will soon enough find the time to start my own and give u the full story

[frannie]

How many of you OW/OM are content being in that role?

 

Yes, I am. for the time being.

 

Do you stay because you still have hope that one day you will be with your mm and he will demonstrate his love for you by leaving home.

 

I am with him because I enjoy being with him, and because I think he's there because of a duty he feels he has, rather than any fulfilment he feels.

 

If he makes it clear that he isn't leaving, how many of you have immediately ended the affair and eventually moved on?

 

He has made it clear he's not leaving at any time soon. In the past that was a 'deal breaker' for me, and now it isn't. Because I've decided that I like being involved with him enough that it overrides any necessity I felt for him to be single, etc.

 

OR how many have stayed as the OW and learnt to accept second best?

 

Well that depends on what you mean by second best, and it's a loaded question. I don't call being the one he loves second best... I'd assign that to the woman who washes his clothes and gets next to nothing from him emotionally, but if you want to count a ring on a finger so highly, so be it.

 

Did it lower your self esteem and dignity over time when you opened your eyes and realised the MM/MW was basically using you to fit in with their needs while their priority was always going to be their spouse and children?

 

Again, a loaded question. Does it lower a wife's self esteem and dignity when she realises he's with her because it's convenient fiscally and from the point of view of being able to see his children when he likes in his own home, and still keep a lover on the side..? hmm.

 

At what stage did you decie that you deserved a whole life rather than settling for crumbs. Was it knowing that the MM/MW wasn't that in love with you but would "take it" so long as it was on offer?

 

At what stage does a BS decide that she's sick of being there for him, keeping house, bringing up his kids, and biding time til they're old enough he doesn't have to pretend happy families with her any longer..? hmm.

 

Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, the MM/MW gave you less and less respect eventually tiring of you and going on to find another bit on the side?

 

Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, side by side with a marriage that was a sham... and the only reason he stayed with you was because you were the mother of his children... and eventually he'd leave you to be with the woman he is with from love, and not obligation..?

 

hmm. thought not.

 

Works two ways, doesn't it..?

[frannie]

GEL, geez, you really do grate on me.

 

I have no anger towards OW--I was one until recently.

My point is that if lots of people give OW advice and then when she says she is going to follow a course of action, I cannot see why that OW doesn't give people an update as to why she didn't follow thru. Lots of people do that on this forum-give updates.

 

You don't have to be specific but I think it is common courtesy to do it.

Surely it provides an insight for others and most of us are here to help others.

My point is that I do not think an update is being provided because secretly she is ashamed of her decision. This is why it is important not to threaten to do things and not follow thru. You lose credibility imo.

 

I have no desire to be with my xmm and would rather concentrate on people who are clearly not happy with their decision.

 

Oh and what a big sin it is to name people on this forum-I never realised it would cause so much comment, althoug GEL, most of it has come from you!

 

Oh this must be the post about me!

 

Yay.

 

Well I responded to your first post on this thread before reading this.

 

And no, I'm not 'ashamed' of anything I've done, or will do... I'm just living my life, and i don't feel the need to live according to anyone's assumptions or set of rules... just my own decision-making. Not always right, not always sparkling, but hey... it's my life, not yours.

[frannie]

Oh, and I should probably add, that the reason I've not been giving 'updates' on what I've been up to..? ... is because I'm really quite happy for the first time in a long time.

 

Just happy... and without any need to ask anyone if it's OK or not...

[Ladyjane14]

Does it lower a wife's self esteem and dignity when she realises he's with her because it's convenient fiscally and from the point of view of being able to see his children when he likes in his own home, and still keep a lover on the side..? hmm.

 

At what stage did you decie that you deserved a whole life rather than settling for crumbs. Was it knowing that the MM/MW wasn't that in love with you but would "take it" so long as it was on offer?

 

At what stage does a BS decide that she's sick of being there for him, keeping house, bringing up his kids, and biding time til they're old enough he doesn't have to pretend happy families with her any longer..? hmm.

 

Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, the MM/MW gave you less and less respect eventually tiring of you and going on to find another bit on the side?

 

Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, side by side with a marriage that was a sham... and the only reason he stayed with you was because you were the mother of his children... and eventually he'd leave you to be with the woman he is with from love, and not obligation..?

 

hmm. thought not.

 

Works two ways, doesn't it..?

 

That's ugly, Frannie. And even though I don't know you but through your posts... it's beneath you, I think.

 

You two have never given that woman a chance to "decide" or to "realize" squat.

[NoIDidn't]

Glad I wasn't the only one to see that and feel that way about the post.

 

Frannie, that WAS really low.

 

And it was low because NONE of the answers were about you, but were ALL jabs at the woman that doesn't even know you exist.

[whichwayisup]

Don't bother, she doesn't care what happens outside her little happy box. As long as she is content and gets what she wants, the rest that happens and goes on around her doesn't matter, nor does his wife exist.

 

But, when D-Day happens, she'll be in for a huge surprise.

[dignityback]

Sorry Frannie, but I have to echo the other posters about your reply.

I have read several of your very insightful posts but this is what I see in your posts here.

 

You have made some very poignant comments about the BS--"the ring on the finger" comment. She doesn't even know about you, unless I have missed something.You do not know what really goes on in their lives.

I think deep down you have the desire to wear his ring.

It means something to him (the marriage I mean) or he wouldn't stay. It means shared holidays, being there when the other is sick, shared finances, mutual friends, years of waking up with each other in the same bed, and of course the children (his reason for staying, according to him).

 

Your posts are turning the question and answering it as if it was directed at the BS. I think you are uncomfortable answering the specific questions where you have done this.

 

IMO this shows that you are not happy in your "accepted" or "enforced" role, as is shown in your venom directed towards the BS who is probably quite ignorant as to what is going on. Your mm doesn't really risk much--he has an excuse to be out of town during the week and you do not live in the same neighborhood.

 

This is all I want to say; that this is the first time I have ever detected bitterness in your posts, and if you read them again you will see that you do not come across as a happy OW. HE meanwhile has it all so why would he change anything?

Personally, I would leave him alone and let him work on his marriage where he clearly intends staying.

[scaredinlove]

How many of you OW/OM are content being in that role?

Do you stay because you still have hope that one day you will be with your mm and he will demonstrate his love for you by leaving home.

There was a time I wanted him to leave and be with me , now I am not sure if I wanted it.I don't think I want to share a full life with him anymore. Or ANYBODY FOR THAT MATTER!

 

 

 

If he makes it clear that he isn't leaving, how many of you have immediately ended the affair and eventually moved on?

 

HE SAYS HE IS NOT LEAVING BUT MY GUT INSTINCT SAYS HIS MARRIAGE IS AGONIZING A SLOW DEATH.

 

OR how many have stayed as the OW and learnt to accept second best?

Did it lower your self esteem and dignity over time when you opened your eyes and realised the MM/MW was basically using you to fit in with their needs while their priority was always going to be their spouse and children?

 

it hurt me at first but now i took the wherever approach. I love him and he is free to liive his life we see each other when we can and in the meanwhile I am building a life for myself.

 

At what stage did you decie that you deserved a whole life rather than settling for crumbs. Was it knowing that the MM/MW wasn't that in love with you but would "take it" so long as it was on offer?

 

I HAD MOMENTS WHEN I THOUGHT HE WAS MY WHOLE LIFE AND I WANTED IT, NOW I AM REALIZING THAT I AM MY WHOLE LIFE AND THAT HE IS ONLY PART OF IT.

 

Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, the MM/MW gave you less and less respect eventually tiring of you and going on to find another bit on the side?

 

HE RESPECTS ME AND LOVES ME, HE HAS NO BALLS TO LEAVE HIS W AND GO TO D. BUT HE LOVES ME.SHE KNOWS IT, HIS FAMILY KNOWS IT ,THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD KNOWS IT.HE HAS BEEN NASTY TOO ME DURING THE PROCESS WHEN SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT ME ,BUT WHEN I TOLD HIM HOW MUCH HE HURTED ME AND ALL THE THINGS HE DID HE TURNED AROUND AND APOLOGISE AND IS REALLY TRYING TO MAKE IT UP.HE IS NOT LEAVING HER BUT THEY ARE NOT TOGETHER EITHER.HE IS CLOSER TO ME ALTHOUGH HE LIVES WITH HER. THEY LIVE IN SEPARETED QUATERS OF THE HOUSE. I THOUGHT THEY WERE BACK IN THE SAME ROOM BUT HE JUST TOLD ME THEY ARE NOT.REGARDLESS OF IF HE IS LEAVING OR NOT I DECIDED TO BE WITH HIM.

 

SORRY FOR THE CAPS I WAS JUST TRYING TO DIFFERENCIATE FROM YOUR QUESTION.

[whichwayisup]

How do you really know for sure SIL? I honestly don't see how the heck you could continue staying with this man, while he's still living at home with his wife. DO you really believe him when he tells you that they aren't in the same bedroom, and living in separate quarters in the house?

 

And SIL, he may love you - But he doesn't respect you. OR his wife. If he did, he would DECIDE already and not keep TWO women hanging on. I'm betting he tells his wife you're crazy and that he needs to keep some sort of contact with you so you don't harm them.

 

Sorry, but your MM is NOT the heroe you make him out to be. He's far from it.

[dignityback]

Don't bother, she doesn't care what happens outside her little happy box. As long as she is content and gets what she wants, the rest that happens and goes on around her doesn't matter, nor does his wife exist.

 

But, when D-Day happens, she'll be in for a huge surprise.

 

 

WWIU if by that you mean that on D-day he will likely choose his wife,

I have to agree.

 

However, as I see it, he already has made is choice. He is too selfish to leave the OW and concentrate on his marriage. Or maybe he is scared hat she might telephone his wife and spill the beans. I wouldn't waste another naanno second of my time in a man like him.

 

I am actually enjoying being on my own and have some peace and contentment after getting off the roller coaster.

[scaredinlove]

How do you really know for sure SIL? I honestly don't see how the heck you could continue staying with this man, while he's still living at home with his wife. DO you really believe him when he tells you that they aren't in the same bedroom, and living in separate quarters in the house?

 

And SIL, he may love you - But he doesn't respect you. OR his wife. If he did, he would DECIDE already and not keep TWO women hanging on. I'm betting he tells his wife you're crazy and that he needs to keep some sort of contact with you so you don't harm them.

 

Sorry, but your MM is NOT the heroe you make him out to be. He's far from it.

 

 

WWU yesrteday he come back with he is making his decision end of may. I think they are living in separeted rooms because of her. He is a weak man. I don't know why that heck I love him. I guess i like jerks!!!!!I was married to one for 14 yrs!

Yesterday he must have heard you all, because He was telling me how he is tired of lying and so on.He asked me time. I actually like better when he tells me he is not leaving because I believe it, The "I am tired of lying" talk makes me doubt him. To be honest with you, I don't think he knows what that heck he wants. But I know he loves me because he told her and his family and because being such a chicken he would not be with me after all that happenned, unlesss he had real feelings for me. Man , I guess i am angry with him!

I think he is hopping she will kick him out so he will come out as a good guy. Let's see he is now back saying that May 31st he will decided to either leave or live miserably the rest of his life!!!

Let's see....Haven't said anything about ending this affair, he is just concern about his marriage. I don't know I guess I don't know what tha heck I want either.

[whichwayisup]

he is now back saying that May 31st he will decided to either leave or live miserably the rest of his life!!!

 

And if he is too much of a pussy to leave, and get a divorce, you'll still stay the OW in his life and continue to be part in, what he calls, his miserable life?

 

HE is NOT a good guy. Even if his wife finally ends it, he is NOT a good guy. IF he was, he'd be completely honest with her and TELL her what is really going on.

[scaredinlove]

And if he is too much of a pussy to leave, and get a divorce, you'll still stay the OW in his life and continue to be part in, what he calls, his miserable life?

 

HE is NOT a good guy. Even if his wife finally ends it, he is NOT a good guy. IF he was, he'd be completely honest with her and TELL her what is really going on.

 

Are you sure you are not my mother in disguise????

 

I hear you WWU and I value your opinion , you seem to be very sensible.For some reason I am not ready yet to move on. One day I will be I know i will. I guess I am in denial. I don't think he is bad I think he is weak. I have the tendency of being blind around the ones I love. Look at my marriage, when it finally ended I had to hear from everybody how blind I was. I guess I don't want to believe I felt for the same wrong type again.

 

She is not easy either, I don't think he can tell her the entire truth.Her actions remind me a lot of my husband. She will have fits and pretend she is very sick to make him guilty. My exH woulkd fake heart attacks, and I ended up taking him to the emergency room a couple of times. She is very manipulative.

I am not 100% he is a jerk yet.

[whichwayisup]

Are you sure you are not my mother in disguise????

 

Ahh gaawwwd, I hope not! If I do come across that way, I AM sorry! Shoot me! lol (Just got back from an evening of spending time with family which included my mom....lol)

 

I am not 100% he is a jerk yet.

 

I just hope your heart is still in more or less one piece when you figure that one out.

[will2power]

How many of you OW/OM are content being in that role?

I am no long an OW. I am my SMM's girlfriend. I was never comfortable or happy as someone's OW nor was he comfortable being with a MW/OM.

 

Do you stay because you still have hope that one day you will be with your mm and he will demonstrate his love for you by leaving home.

People don't demonstrate love for another by leaving an existing relationship. People may use it as an excuse, but the reason why people leave an existing relationship is because they were likely not happy in it to begin with.

 

At what stage did you decie that you deserved a whole life rather than settling for crumbs. Was it knowing that the MM/MW wasn't that in love with you but would "take it" so long as it was on offer?

from the beginning, I knew I deserved a whole life whether MM was in it or not. MM was in love with me but went back to his M for his kids and eventually left again because he realized M to someone he didn't love was not benefitting anyone.

 

Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, the MM/MW gave you less and less respect eventually tiring of you and going on to find another bit on the side?

My MM tried to respect me the best he could. I think I could only name two times that he wasn't respectful and we've discussed it at length and are over it.

 

Just because an MM stays with a W doesn't mean that he doesn't love you enough. It might mean that he is afraid of what life would be like without seeing his kids every day, not knowing what its like to have someone to go home to everyday, etc.

 

Each person's life is unique. Each path taken is a life lesson. The willingness to learn will define the quality of life's journey.

 

You sound like you feel burned by your experience because you phrased your questions in ways that implies if a woman stays with her MM because he doesn't leave, she has no self respect. I don't think my MM and I would be together if either one of us was unwilling to move from our existing R, but that was how *we* chose to do things.

 

I was not a happy OW, but I have the R that I want today.

 

I am lucky in that sense.

[frannie]

No, my post wasn't about MM's wife, it was a post made to highlight the fact that truisms about people (OW, MM, BS, whoever) are worth next to nothing. It's no more true to say that OW have no self-esteem and are accepting of second-best than it is to turn things the other way around and make claims about BSs.

 

(as I did in my post, deliberately)

 

I was putting the shoe on other foot to prove a point about the nonsense spouted on here week after week.

 

Nothing to do with my situation, and not intended as such.

[GreenEyedLady]

it was a post made to highlight the fact that truisms about people (OW, MM, BS, whoever) are worth next to nothing. It's no more true to say that OW have no self-esteem and are accepting of second-best than it is to turn things the other way around and make claims about BSs.(as I did in my post, deliberately)I was putting the shoe on other foot to prove a point about the nonsense spouted on here week after week.

 

You know, I agree with what you say in your post...I'm wondering why it is universally accepted that a MM is in a "FOG" and the reason he stays with his W is because he finally realized he loved her just when he was about to lose her...

 

I'm sure that is the case some of the time...

 

But when the OW presents the other reasons a MM stays, it's ugly...

 

As I read through other posts on other forums, whether a M is recovered or ended, it has very little to do with LOVE and more to do with duty or committment...and sometimes even a form of blackmail (you can't see your kids or I'll make it extremely hard for you to do so)...

 

The idea that you CAN'T leave your M because you have children to care for...instead of we love each other and can't be apart...

 

I guess sometimes the BS don't really like thinking that maybe the reason their H stayed is because he doesn't want to support two households, lose time spent with his children and half his retirement...Sometimes the truth bites both ways...

 

And by the way:

 

Sometimes I come here to this forum that is named the OW/OM Forum and I really can't believe this forum is for OP's...it seems like it is a place to get bashed and totally beat down...the argument is that it is a place for OW who want to leave or who have left...WHO DECIDED THAT?! That's not the name of the forum and there have been several OW's that have come here and are surprised that it is not what the title suggests: Support and discussion for those who find theselves involved with a committed partner...

[Lizzie60]

How many of you OW/OM are content being in that role?

 

I am presently an OW for a few men and I am happy with this situation.

 

 

Do you stay because you still have hope that one day you will be with your mm and he will demonstrate his love for you by leaving home.

 

Not at all, in fact I don't want them to leave home...

 

 

If he makes it clear that he isn't leaving, how many of you have immediately ended the affair and eventually moved on?

 

This is not applicable to my situation. We are on the same page, he stays with his family... I stay on my own... my choice.

 

OR how many have stayed as the OW and learnt to accept second best?

 

I don't see myself as second best... I only fulfill his sexual needs and maybe some emotional needs.

 

Did it lower your self esteem and dignity over time when you opened your eyes and realised the MM/MW was basically using you to fit in with their needs while their priority was always going to be their spouse and children?

 

Not at all... I am extremely confident about myself... I have absolutely no problems with my self-esteem. I know his priority is his family, mostly his kids and it's okay by me... I wouldn't want it any different anyway.

 

At what stage did you decie that you deserved a whole life rather than settling for crumbs. Was it knowing that the MM/MW wasn't that in love with you but would "take it" so long as it was on offer?

 

Not applicable in my situation... I have what I want. I know they're not 'in love' with me... but I know they like/love me very much.

 

Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, the MM/MW gave you less and less respect eventually tiring of you and going on to find another bit on the side?

 

That depends... in some cases, the MM may want to go find a new partner because, for some reason, he got tired of the OW... and other times, the A may last for years and years. It's not about giving/showing less respect it's about wanting excitement... if he gets tired of sex with his wife, I can certainly see that he may very well get tired of sex with his mistress.