overandout Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 How many of you OW/OM are content being in that role? Do you stay because you still have hope that one day you will be with your mm and he will demonstrate his love for you by leaving home. If he makes it clear that he isn't leaving, how many of you have immediately ended the affair and eventually moved on? OR how many have stayed as the OW and learnt to accept second best? Did it lower your self esteem and dignity over time when you opened your eyes and realised the MM/MW was basically using you to fit in with their needs while their priority was always going to be their spouse and children? At what stage did you decie that you deserved a whole life rather than settling for crumbs. Was it knowing that the MM/MW wasn't that in love with you but would "take it" so long as it was on offer? Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, the MM/MW gave you less and less respect eventually tiring of you and going on to find another bit on the side?
GreenEyedLady Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 How about some questions for you Overandout... Why are you so bitter? I went through your posts and found that you are an OW...or perhaps an XOW now... Just because your A didn't turn out to be what you wanted it to be, doesn't mean that you need to turn your anger on others... Not all A's are like yours and many OW don't "settle for crumbs"...I'm sorry that yours was one of those...perhaps you should take your anger out on the person who deserves it, your MM (XMM?)..and maybe try and forgive yourself and find peace with who you were and who've you've become...
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 GEL, her questions seem quite honest, and I don't see any real bitterness in how she has worded her post. I don't see any personal anger towards anyone, just someone who has asked some questions that should make anyone in an affair stop and think.
Author overandout Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 GEL, I am not bitter, in fact my xmm has tried to get back with me recently and I am not going there. I have wasted time with him and I resumed several times thinking it would be different but it was just the same old cr**. What is the harm in trying to get others to explore their reasons for staying in a dead end affair and hopefully they will see the light and not waste as much time as I did. If that makes me bitter in your eyes well..... So instead of telling me to mind my own business as you so rudely did before, I suggest you either try and answer my post if you wish, or stay away from my threads and start your own. 1
Author overandout Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Actually GEL maybe my post touched a raw nerve with you--sorry if it did! I haven't bothered reading your posts. WWIU-thank you.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 GEL, her questions seem quite honest, and I don't see any real bitterness in how she has worded her post. I don't see any personal anger towards anyone, just someone who has asked some questions that should make anyone in an affair stop and think. With all due respect WWIU, if I hadn't seen her thread that was deleted last night calling out another OW on this forum, I probably wouldn't have responded to this thread the way I did... But in light of that thread and then this one, I am wondering why she has so much anger against OW...especially when she was one...
silktricks Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 But in light of that thread and then this one, I am wondering why she has so much anger against OW...especially when she was one... You know who hates smokers the most - ex-smokers. . . 1
Author overandout Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 GEL, geez, you really do grate on me. I have no anger towards OW--I was one until recently. My point is that if lots of people give OW advice and then when she says she is going to follow a course of action, I cannot see why that OW doesn't give people an update as to why she didn't follow thru. Lots of people do that on this forum-give updates. You don't have to be specific but I think it is common courtesy to do it. Surely it provides an insight for others and most of us are here to help others. My point is that I do not think an update is being provided because secretly she is ashamed of her decision. This is why it is important not to threaten to do things and not follow thru. You lose credibility imo. I have no desire to be with my xmm and would rather concentrate on people who are clearly not happy with their decision. Oh and what a big sin it is to name people on this forum-I never realised it would cause so much comment, althoug GEL, most of it has come from you!
GreenEyedLady Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 GEL, geez, you really do grate on me. I have no anger towards OW--I was one until recently. My point is that if lots of people give OW advice and then when she says she is going to follow a course of action, I cannot see why that OW doesn't give people an update as to why she didn't follow thru. Lots of people do that on this forum-give updates. You don't have to be specific but I think it is common courtesy to do it. Surely it provides an insight for others and most of us are here to help others. My point is that I do not think an update is being provided because secretly she is ashamed of her decision. This is why it is important not to threaten to do things and not follow thru. You lose credibility imo. I have no desire to be with my xmm and would rather concentrate on people who are clearly not happy with their decision. Oh and what a big sin it is to name people on this forum-I never realised it would cause so much comment, althoug GEL, most of it has come from you! Glad I could grate on you... NO ONE HAS to give an update...it's THEIR choice whether to or not...and who are you to decide her motivations of not giving an update? She doesn't have to explain to you or anyone for that matter... And where's your update while we're on the subject? Didn't see you start a thread about that...so before you start getting down on someone else about it, perhaps you should lead by example... In regards to you calling someone out, I'm sure the reason why most of it is coming from me is because not too many people saw it before it was deleted... We're somewhat of a sisterhood here...and that means that we support and encourage, not berate or judge...but maybe if you'd been here longer, you'd know that... That's all I've got to say about that...
pricillia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Because of past events on this thread and trolls, I at this time choose not to give an update of my story, in any reguard good or bad. Someone who has been down the OW road and did not get what they want are often bitter, with the exception on this thread of about a handfull. On the other had there is so much good information/stories on this board so I keep reading. To the OP you can not force someone to give an update, you have to first earn trust within the community so... carry on
pureinheart Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 How many of you OW/OM are content being in that role? Do you stay because you still have hope that one day you will be with your mm and he will demonstrate his love for you by leaving home. If he makes it clear that he isn't leaving, how many of you have immediately ended the affair and eventually moved on? OR how many have stayed as the OW and learnt to accept second best? Did it lower your self esteem and dignity over time when you opened your eyes and realised the MM/MW was basically using you to fit in with their needs while their priority was always going to be their spouse and children? At what stage did you decie that you deserved a whole life rather than settling for crumbs. Was it knowing that the MM/MW wasn't that in love with you but would "take it" so long as it was on offer? Did you ever think the longer the affair went on, the MM/MW gave you less and less respect eventually tiring of you and going on to find another bit on the side? I am exploring the reasons as to what caused me get into many dead end relationships. This was the lowest of low for me....but I had to hit bottom in this area to wake me up as I am not getting any younger and do not choose kaos any longer.
Author overandout Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Glad I could grate on you... NO ONE HAS to give an update...it's THEIR choice whether to or not...and who are you to decide her motivations of not giving an update? She doesn't have to explain to you or anyone for that matter... And where's your update while we're on the subject? Didn't see you start a thread about that...so before you start getting down on someone else about it, perhaps you should lead by example... In regards to you calling someone out, I'm sure the reason why most of it is coming from me is because not too many people saw it before it was deleted... We're somewhat of a sisterhood here...and that means that we support and encourage, not berate or judge...but maybe if you'd been here longer, you'd know that... That's all I've got to say about that... Glad I could grate on you... NO ONE HAS to give an update...it's THEIR choice whether to or not...and who are you to decide her motivations of not giving an update? She doesn't have to explain to you or anyone for that matter... And where's your update while we're on the subject? Didn't see you start a thread about that...so before you start getting down on someone else about it, perhaps you should lead by example... In regards to you calling someone out, I'm sure the reason why most of it is coming from me is because not too many people saw it before it was deleted... We're somewhat of a sisterhood here...and that means that we support and encourage, not berate or judge...but maybe if you'd been here longer, you'd know that... That's all I've got to say about that... GEL , you like the last word eh? You sound like the sort of person who enjoys needling people to get a reaction out of someone. Just remember that the first time you responded to my thread was to tell me to mind my own business---that was nice and supportive of you. My update is that xmm has been trying to contact me and I'm not playing anymore-OK. People can post their opinions on this forum. That is what it is for. I am not sitting in judgement on anyone, but if I think someone is being used I am allowed to say it. My original post was not directed at you so what gives you the right to respond on someone else's behalf? I did not ask for advice along with my mm on this forum, and then say I was going to do something and then follow another course of action. Had I done that I would have posted, even a sentence doesn't have to be your life history. The shame is that the original thread is lost in this vendetta you have against me . I am allowed my say as much as you or anyone else. I am not going to be silenced by a rude individual like you.
pricillia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 You know O&O In Gel's devense she is not as you describe
Author overandout Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Pureinheart, glad you responded. Yes, I know what you mean about having to get so low that here is only one way and that is up. However don't you think that once you have made the break, it is a whole new world and you wouldn't want to return to the old one. It is a cliche but time does ease the pain and if you get to the stage where you are indifferent to xmm, that is a wonderful place to be.
pricillia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Pureinheart, glad you responded. Yes, I know what you mean about having to get so low that here is only one way and that is up. However don't you think that once you have made the break, it is a whole new world and you wouldn't want to return to the old one. It is a cliche but time does ease the pain and if you get to the stage where you are indifferent to xmm, that is a wonderful place to be. if you are indffferent to MM then the deep true love was not there to begin with. If you love someone they wll always have a place in your heart, tucked away nice and safe, it does not mean that they are the right person for you. Breakups are difficult if you love and care about the person in any form. Loss and Love is a part of life, everyone deals with it differently
Author overandout Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Pricillia, yes I think what you say is true, but my xmm was a manipulator and wasn't particularly nice towards the end. I think he drained most of the emotion from me. However the reason I am staying clear is because I know there is no future in it and I remember how miserable I was towards the end. It would be getting back on the merry go round. That said, I do still remember the good times we had and I really did love him. I cannot afford to let him back into my life. So he will have a place in my heart--but tightly tucked away!
pricillia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Pricillia, yes I think what you say is true, but my xmm was a manipulator and wasn't particularly nice towards the end. I think he drained most of the emotion from me. However the reason I am staying clear is because I know there is no future in it and I remember how miserable I was towards the end. It would be getting back on the merry go round. That said, I do still remember the good times we had and I really did love him. I cannot afford to let him back into my life. So he will have a place in my heart--but tightly tucked away! Good for you for moving on and approching this with conviction, and it is also a start of something new.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 *cautiously sticks toes in the water* My exMM lied in the beginning. Said he was seperated & getting divorced. He lived in another state, travelled on business, and certainly didn't act like someone with a W to hide. (I could call anytime, he spent long weekends with me, etc, etc) When we finally decided to move in together, within 2 days, his W began calling. Apparently, he hadn't been seperated ~ until he moved in with me. Anyway, it took another 3 months for me to go full NC. I loved him with all of my heart & soul....yet I don't like the idea of being an OW. I gave him an ultimatum when I found out all the facts...her or me. He said he couldn't leave because of the kids. He went back. We stayed in contact and continued to see each other off and on. I loved him so much, that I was having a hard time letting go. He made me an "offer". He said if I moved to his state, he would put me up in an apt. That way he could still be home for "the kids", but we could have time together. At that point....the line from Pretty Woman ran through my mind.... where Gere says, "I never treated you like a whore", and she replies...."you just did". That is exactly how I felt. So...it almost, literally killed me, but I walked away, shut him out of my life, and moved on.
pricillia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 *cautiously sticks toes in the water* My exMM lied in the beginning. Said he was seperated & getting divorced. He lived in another state, travelled on business, and certainly didn't act like someone with a W to hide. (I could call anytime, he spent long weekends with me, etc, etc) When we finally decided to move in together, within 2 days, his W began calling. Apparently, he hadn't been seperated ~ until he moved in with me. Anyway, it took another 3 months for me to go full NC. I loved him with all of my heart & soul....yet I don't like the idea of being an OW. I gave him an ultimatum when I found out all the facts...her or me. He said he couldn't leave because of the kids. He went back. We stayed in contact and continued to see each other off and on. I loved him so much, that I was having a hard time letting go. He made me an "offer". He said if I moved to his state, he would put me up in an apt. That way he could still be home for "the kids", but we could have time together. At that point....the line from Pretty Woman ran through my mind.... where Gere says, "I never treated you like a whore", and she replies...."you just did". That is exactly how I felt. So...it almost, literally killed me, but I walked away, shut him out of my life, and moved on. WOW... and WOW again because just WOW is too short
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 WOW... and WOW again because just WOW is too short What?
pricillia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 What? I just can not believe that he asked you to do that for him to make it easier, he was only thinking of himself
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I just can not believe that he asked you to do that for him to make it easier, he was only thinking of himself Yeah. It certainly was a wake-up call to me. I do believe he loved me, in his own way. Had he not have been M with kids, and responsibilites...we would have been good together. But, it's no good playing "what if". I did that for the 3 months I was building up the courage to end it. Bottom line, had he loved me "enough", we would be together right now. We aren't. And when he made that offer, in spite of ALL the other things I had seen and heard to the contrary (which showed he had deep feelings for me)...in that moment, I felt like he saw me as a whore. I was great to have sex with, have fun with, and so on....but not good enough to make a life with.
Freedom Now Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I absolutely believe that I loved my MM. But, now I am indifferent to him. He killed my love. And there wasn't a darned thing I could do to stop it. Too bad, really. He is still trying to hold on to me, but there isn't anyone left to hold on to. Except his wife.
pricillia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I absolutely believe that I loved my MM. But, now I am indifferent to him. He killed my love. And there wasn't a darned thing I could do to stop it. Too bad, really. He is still trying to hold on to me, but there isn't anyone left to hold on to. Except his wife. I understand! FN, everytime I see your kitty I fall in love!
Freedom Now Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Awwwww....he isn't so small anymore, but sweet as can be! (He's half bobcat, BTW...)
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