Square One

[insomnie]

After nearly everything being fantastic since we got back together 4 months ago, my entire relationship exploded, the same tired old issues resurfaced, and I am back at square one, feeling insecure, betrayed, taken for granted.

 

Here's what happened:

 

BF and I had plans to do our usual thing on Friday: that is, hang out with some of his friends, then go back to his place and do our own things (him: guitar; me: starcraft). He picked me up in the afternoon, but for some reason was obviously angry. I tried to show affection on the drive back, to make conversation.... but he remained distant and angry. I stopped talking, since I was the only one doing so, and we drove in silence.

 

WHen we got to his place, he continued on ignoring me. I lay down in his bed, tried to take a nap. Then his friend came over, still ignoring me (I wasn't asleep) he went to the living room and proceeded to play a game for 40 minutes. At this point I was already up and he knew it: I was being noisy. He still ignored me.

 

Since it was obvious he didn't want me there, I grabbed my bag and left. He saw me leaving. No acknowledgement whatsoever.

 

I took the bus back to my place, waited for an hour or so for him to call. He didn't. I called him instead, pissed. I am not nice when I am mad - that is somthing I need to work on. Anyway, thigns got a little nasty. Right away he turned the situation on ME, telling me I was being a drama queen and he didn't want to "deal with it".

 

Fast forward an hour, after lots of screaming on both ends. He apologized for his part in it (though not very sincerely). Then he proceeded to tell me that he was miserable, that I was smothering him, and he hated how I had recently took over his interests and have made a presence in all parts of his life. (In the past, he kept me away from ALL parts of his life...I had never met his friends, he never showed me what games he played for hours every week, etc. That's changed since we got back togheter at my insistence but apparently it doenst suit him.)

 

So anyway...then he asked for space this weekend to do his own thing. I know guys need space etc and I know this is the only thing he asks of me and I should give it to him....but it's so hard for me. I would give him ANYTHING else....more affection, love, sex, time...I would do anything for him. But the giving of space is counterintuitive to me. It annoys the hell out of me when he pulls the space card....makes me feel stranded. I don't like how he can just take a week off the relationship, not make 5 seconds to see me all weekend (btw he has 4-day weekends...), not call, and I am supposed to be completley ok with that. Ugh.

 

Anyway...so of course I didn't react well. In fact, I reacted really terribly. I guess I was still pissed at his rude behaivior earlier on, and I wanted him to apologize and make it up to me (by coming over, maybe) and instead I get "leave me alone". He called me inconsiderate for taking up all his time. (Incidentally, he is the one that initiates all our contact, and we NEVER actually DO anything. What happens on our "dates" is I come over, he plays the guitar or computer games, while I read a book/study....but he told me last night that when I did that I didnt give him enough alone time becuase I wanted to talk too much.)

 

Anyway... so we had a long angry conversation that didnt go anywhere. He said he'd see me the next day, but the next day he chose to be busy with a video game tournament followed by a slumber party with his best friend. He didnt call. I called because I needed to pick up some thigns I'd left at his house....and we had an awkward exchange of posessions, followed by an even angrier phone call which cumulated in him hanging up on me.

 

Later on he apologized online for being a "crazy *******" but stopped talking to me after that. I called again late in the night, he was having another slumber video game party with his friend....he said he wanted to hang out tomorrow but "might be busy". I was ok with that becuase I'd calmed down by that point enough to realizemy own responsibility in escalating the situation...but now I am angry again.

 

He probably wont call me tomorrow and I won't see him, and he probably won't want to hang out on Monday, either. I know him. It's how he works. After these fights he needs a week (or longer) to get over it...while I am miserable at home, crying myself to sleep because I feel abandoned and alone.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I am leaning toward breakup becuase I seriously cannot deal with the way he fghts. I fight badly too....but this is just too stressful...him needing space and telling me I make him miserable every 6 months. What happens if we get married? He'll go off by himself for a couple of weeks at a time to be away from me? Ugh.

 

I just don't see a place for myself in his life at this point. He tells me he doenst "believe" in fairy-tale romances, so we don't do anything that falls under that category, such as celebrate anniversaries, give each other thigns for xmas, valentines day, etc. On that same note, he never does anything romantic for me...NEVER. He never takes me out to dinner and pays, has never cooked a meal "for" me, has never gotten me gifts/flowers...because he doenst want "that" type of relationship. (What type> the good type>) He doen'st like having sex...and now he has his best friend back (whom I had temporarily replaced, I now realize, these past couple of months because he was on heavy mental meds and incapable of hanging out). What's my place?

 

Anyway, my question to all of you is....how should I go about bringing up these issues, when he's asked for space? Should I break up with him and hope he comes to some kind of conclusion and becomes a better boyfriend in my absense> Go on a break? And how do I go about accomplishing that...what do I say/how do I say it. What should I be expecting.

[insomnie]

Oh, and before anyone says something like "why are you with this guy", it's because he is my best friend, I am extremely attracted to him, and I love him.

[insomnie]

Oh, and before anyone says something like "why are you with this piece of work", it's because he is my best friend, I am extremely attracted to him, and I love him.

 

What I want right now, though, is for him to understand my side of it, and actually make some effort to make up with me. I would do that myself, but he doens't want to hear from me..... in any way.

[norajane]

So anyway...then he asked for space this weekend to do his own thing. I know guys need space etc and I know this is the only thing he asks of me and I should give it to him....but it's so hard for me. I would give him ANYTHING else....more affection, love, sex, time...I would do anything for him. But the giving of space is counterintuitive to me. It annoys the hell out of me when he pulls the space card....makes me feel stranded. I don't like how he can just take a week off the relationship, not make 5 seconds to see me all weekend (btw he has 4-day weekends...), not call, and I am supposed to be completley ok with that. Ugh.

 

There really isn't anything terrible about asking for some time to do things outside the relationship. Why do you end up feeling stranded? Don't you have friends of your own that you want to go shopping with, or go dancing with, or out to eat, or to see a movie or whatever? Don't you have interests outside this relationship?

 

It's very easy to get on each other's nerves and start taking each other for granted if you are constantly together. Taking a weekend to do other things, or making it more regular and taking a day out of the weekend every couple of weeks to do other things can strengthen your relationship and give you both something to talk about when you get back.

 

Anyway...so of course I didn't react well. In fact, I reacted really terribly. I guess I was still pissed at his rude behaivior earlier on, and I wanted him to apologize and make it up to me (by coming over, maybe) and instead I get "leave me alone".

 

That's passive/aggressive behavior. You were upset about something else, so you chose to blow up when he talked about wanting space.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I am leaning toward breakup becuase I seriously cannot deal with the way he fghts. I fight badly too....but this is just too stressful...him needing space and telling me I make him miserable every 6 months. What happens if we get married? He'll go off by himself for a couple of weeks at a time to be away from me? Ugh.

 

If you give each other a day here and there, or a weekend here and there, on a regular basis, there wouldn't necessarily be a need for these specific fights, and he might not need to 'create' a fight in order to get away from you for a week.

 

I just don't see a place for myself in his life at this point. He tells me he doenst "believe" in fairy-tale romances, so we don't do anything that falls under that category, such as celebrate anniversaries, give each other thigns for xmas, valentines day, etc. On that same note, he never does anything romantic for me...NEVER. He never takes me out to dinner and pays, has never cooked a meal "for" me, has never gotten me gifts/flowers...because he doenst want "that" type of relationship. (What type> the good type>) He doen'st like having sex...and now he has his best friend back (whom I had temporarily replaced, I now realize, these past couple of months because he was on heavy mental meds and incapable of hanging out). What's my place?

 

THIS is something you need to accept about who he is, or leave him. He is telling you straight out the kind of guy he is and the kind of relationship he is capable of and wants. If you want something different, he is not the guy for you.

 

Anyway, my question to all of you is....how should I go about bringing up these issues, when he's asked for space? Should I break up with him and hope he comes to some kind of conclusion and becomes a better boyfriend in my absense> Go on a break? And how do I go about accomplishing that...what do I say/how do I say it. What should I be expecting.

 

Break up with him only if you actually intend to break up permanently. Don't use it as a tactic to get him to behave the way you want.

 

Give him his space, and when he comes back to you, then have a calm discussion about what kind of space he would like to have on a regular basis so this argument doesn't keep happening. If you can agree with what he wants, then great. If you can't agree with what he wants, and there is no compromise, then you have some thinking to do about whether he is the right guy for you.

 

In the meantime, find your friends and start getting involved in other things so your life and emotional well-being doesn't revolve around seeing him and talking to him every day.

[Trialbyfire]

Fast forward an hour, after lots of screaming on both ends. He apologized for his part in it (though not very sincerely). Then he proceeded to tell me that he was miserable, that I was smothering him, and he hated how I had recently took over his interests and have made a presence in all parts of his life. (In the past, he kept me away from ALL parts of his life...I had never met his friends, he never showed me what games he played for hours every week, etc. That's changed since we got back togheter at my insistence but apparently it doenst suit him.)

 

Okay, this jumped out at me. What I see is a guy who wants to continue living a single lifestyle while having the security of a relationship in the background.

 

Believe what he does, not what he says he will do. Lip-service is easy...

[IpAncA]

Oh, and before anyone says something like "why are you with this guy", it's because he is my best friend, I am extremely attracted to him, and I love him.

 

That's great Insomnie, but is he RELATIONSHIP material?

 

You can still be best friends with someone, be attracted to them while loving them. But if their not relationship material, then your screwed.

 

What I want right now, though, is for him to understand my side of it, and actually make some effort to make up with me. I would do that myself, but he doens't want to hear from me..... in any way.

 

If he doesn't want to hear it, then him doing what you want him to do will not happen.

[sweetscarlet]

Sounds like you have different needs for closeness. You want someone all the time and he doesn't.

 

You can't make him want someone there all the time and you aren't going to change yourself into someone who is happy not being with someone all of the time...unless you want to change.

 

Personally, I recommend that you do. I think you should develop your own interests because to place your focus on one person is ALWAYS going to result in disappointment. You have to be complete by yourself. If you do that, you can be content whether someone else is there or not. And since you can't control other people and can only control yourself, this gives you total control over your own happiness.

[insomnie]

Little update:

 

Yesterday he said he wanted to eat with me today. Well, it's 7:30 here, I waited all day until I finally got really hungry. I called him, he said he'd eaten already but "maybe tomorrow".

 

I know I rely on him perhaps a little too much, and I am going to try to do things differently from now on, but is this still normal behaivior? One member of a couple completely ignoring the other one for days even though he knows she's upset?

[Trialbyfire]

Little update:

 

Yesterday he said he wanted to eat with me today. Well, it's 7:30 here, I waited all day until I finally got really hungry. I called him, he said he'd eaten already but "maybe tomorrow".

 

I know I rely on him perhaps a little too much, and I am going to try to do things differently from now on, but is this still normal behaivior? One member of a couple completely ignoring the other one for days even though he knows she's upset?

 

Okay, this jumped out at me. What I see is a guy who wants to continue living a single lifestyle while having the security of a relationship in the background.

 

Believe what he does, not what he says he will do. Lip-service is easy...

 

I just requoted myself...

[bab]

insomnie--

Are you still pregnant with his child? He's acting pretty immature. If the two of you are going to be parents, then he's gotta grow up. And fast.

[Star Gazer]

I know I rely on him perhaps a little too much, and I am going to try to do things differently from now on, but is this still normal behaivior? One member of a couple completely ignoring the other one for days even though he knows she's upset?

 

YES. He's trying to teach you to GET YOUR OWN LIFE, instead of assuming HIS. He's told you in on uncertain terms that he wants some him-time, and you're still passive-aggressively trying to get time and attention from him. That couldn't be more annoying!!

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but seriously - like I said in your other thread, you're not just "relying on him a little too much," you're NEEDING him for every aspect of your life...entertainment, communication, and now even eating! You really, really need to get your OWN life. Your OWN friends, your OWN interests, your OWN forms of entertainment.

 

NoraJane is right: there is nothing wrong with wanting some time away from a significant other, particularly if you feel your SO is smothering you and sucking the pleasure of everything you do. You've mentioned several times that you feel stranded when you don't get to see him - you shouldn't feel this way. You should have friends of your own that you want to go shopping with, or go dancing with, or out to eat, or to see a movie or whatever...or your own Insomnie-Only activities (gym, yoga, volunteer work, ANYTHING!!!).

 

 

Also - you're not even having sex with this guy, and he's frequently having "slumber parties" with another GUY? Hello, problem there too!!

[insomnie]

I have my own friends, two groups of them actually that I hang out multiple times during the week, and my own activities. BF and I don't spend all that much time together- just the weekends - and we don't really talk on the phone during the week either. For me this isn't a matter of relying on him as much us having made prior plans and then him cancelling on me because he needs space in the rudest way possible.

 

If he had told me earlier (maybe Thursday?) that he wanted a weekend off, that would have been fine by me. Instead, he initaited plans for the weekend on Thursday, then pulled his stint on Friday, then asked for space. After his behaivior on Friday I felt I deserved an apology, but he decided to turn it around and make it about him and how I was smothering him.

 

I feel like I'm always going to smother him no matter what because he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. As I said before, we don't spend all that much time together in the first place, he NEVER comes over to my place, I never make him do anything he doens't want (activity wise). Our entire relationship is us doing our own thigns simultaneously, but even that, apparenlty, is too much.

 

Meh. I think I am done with this. Stargazer, you might have a point, but I guess I don't think it's right for anyone to teach a loved one a "lesson" by ignoring them for a week.

[Star Gazer]

I feel like I'm always going to smother him no matter what because he doesn't want a girlfriend right now.

 

Okay, so what are you going to do about it? Continue to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one? Does that make sense to you?? You have just as much control in this relationship as he does.

 

Meh. I think I am done with this. Stargazer, you might have a point, but I guess I don't think it's right for anyone to teach a loved one a "lesson" by ignoring them for a week.

 

I don't think it's "right" either, but it's certainly understandable given the circumstances. However, you're also exaggerating things here - I mean, given your description, he's not ignoring you for a week, just asking for a weekend without you around (you said you don't see or talk to him during the week anyway).

 

You just keep bitching about this guy... but it doesn't sound like HE and/or the "relationship" is going to magically change into what you want it to...

[insomnie]

You just keep bitching about this guy... but it doesn't sound like HE and/or the "relationship" is going to magically change into what you want it to...

 

Well, the thing is, if the relaitonship was solid fighting/problems I would have left long ago. It USUALLY is great, though.... we normally don't argue at all, not even about small things. No disagreements eitehr....MOST of the time we're in perfect harmony.

 

And the every couple of months this happens....he asks for space in a passive aggressive way (honestly, it isnt the space as much as how he handles it that bothers me...I feel stranded becuase when he wants a weekend off, it means that I won't talk to him, won't hear from him in any way...no texts saying he loves me, he'll ignore me online, etc.) That's what the stranded feeling is...complete disconnect ....and a sense of paranoia because a good portion of his needing space times end with him deciding to end it with me for "good". I'm not just crazy... I feel my feelings are justified and a learned behaivior in a sense becuase I know where this road goes...to my being dumped, for the third of fourth time in a year.

 

I guess when I look at the negatives, the answer is clear...but with the addition of positives (how loved he makes me feel, how affectionate he is, how much I love him, etc.) it's much more hazy.

[insomnie]

I was really hoping someone could offer me some practical suggestions for how to resolve these issues (or at least talk about them) in a way that won't make him smothered but at the same time won't leave me feeling like a doormat.

 

We have plans to eat for today, but I don't know if he'll call me. If he doens't, it will be the third day in a row that he disregards plans with me. Pretty rude. If he does call, though, how should I proceed? I feel like my options are, give him a taste of his own medicine and either don't pick up or say I'm busy, go eat with him and bring up the situation again (becuase I still have issues with it and I don't think he sees my point of view at all), or let it go completely. I am afraid if I tell him I am busy or iniate another conversation he'll break up with me. On the other hand, letting it go and agreeing to meet up with him on his terms, after he ignores me and breaks plans with me for half a week.... well, I don't know if that's the best thing either. I have a history of getting treated like a doormat by a lot of people in my life and I want to break myself of the kind of behaivior that tells people it's ok to disrespect me that way.

 

And if he doens't call? Does that warrant a break-up? I don't want one, but I feel like unless he makes it up to me in some huge way after breaking plans with me AGAIN it will be wrong for me to stay. How can I avoid a breakup in this case without being a doormat?

 

Ugh. Please help.

[allina]

First off I think he is being a major ass, not trying to get you to have your own life. You just don't treat your gf like that.

 

The only suggestion that i think may be helpful is give him his space but when you two do spend time together actually spend it together, not in the same room but with you on your computer and him with his guitar of whatever.

 

Also get out and do stuff together! I think that's a huge one. The more fun things you do, the more fun memories you crate together the happier he will be and hopefully he will stop pushing you away.

 

Also he really is being a complete a-hole, next time he just lets you walk out or ignores you, don't call him, just don't.

[sunshinegirl]

We have plans to eat for today, but I don't know if he'll call me. If he doens't, it will be the third day in a row that he disregards plans with me. Pretty rude. If he does call, though, how should I proceed? I feel like my options are, give him a taste of his own medicine and either don't pick up or say I'm busy, go eat with him and bring up the situation again (becuase I still have issues with it and I don't think he sees my point of view at all), or let it go completely. I am afraid if I tell him I am busy or iniate another conversation he'll break up with me. On the other hand, letting it go and agreeing to meet up with him on his terms, after he ignores me and breaks plans with me for half a week.... well, I don't know if that's the best thing either. I have a history of getting treated like a doormat by a lot of people in my life and I want to break myself of the kind of behaivior that tells people it's ok to disrespect me that way.

 

Honey, it sounds like you should dump him. That's a terrific way to stop being treated like a doormat.

 

I don't quite get how or why he's such a prize or how he can possibly make you feel so loved when he breaks plans with you constantly and freezes you out entirely on weekends. I wouldn't put up with that crap.

[Star Gazer]

Honey, it sounds like you should dump him. That's a terrific way to stop being treated like a doormat.

 

I don't quite get how or why he's such a prize or how he can possibly make you feel so loved when he breaks plans with you constantly and freezes you out entirely on weekends. I wouldn't put up with that crap.

 

I agree.

 

Why are you trying to avoid a breakup with a jerk? You should be aiming for one!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I was really hoping someone could offer me some practical suggestions for how to resolve these issues (or at least talk about them) in a way that won't make him smothered but at the same time won't leave me feeling like a doormat.

 

Well, that is a problem really - we can give you advice, tips, testimonials, and whatnot but you aren't going to benefit much from them because it would be like your boyfriend having an illness, and you taking the medicine hoping he'll get better.

[Trialbyfire]

Well, that is a problem really - we can give you advice, tips, testimonials, and whatnot but you aren't going to benefit much from them because it would be like your boyfriend having an illness, and you taking the medicine hoping he'll get better.

Well said LB!!

[insomnie]

This is honestly the only thing about him that bothers me, how he asks for space and how his communication breaks down every time he reaches a situation that he knows might upset me (like spending the weekend together, although I would not have been upset...but in the past I would have been, and I guess I can see how he was going by prior experience). It's almost like he is afraid of me, so instead of dealing with whatever issue arises, he avoids it, throws a fight, and lays out all the reasons he's upset...when all he wants is a weekend to play games with his friends. Ugh.

 

I had a nice long talk with my mom today, and she said some pretty wise things. She said that she knows I love him, knows he's a good guy and that he loves me...but that if I can't accept him for who he is, along with his flaws and eccentricities, I have to leave him. That really calmed me down a lot. Instead of looking at it from the perspective that he was doing things to purposely hurt me, I just let this go as one of his flaws. Actually, his only flaw that bothers me at all. And I realized.... this is as bad as it ever gets, and that's not bad at all. I can deal with this. Actually, I need to deal with it better...instead of making an elephant out of an ant (as my mom says) I need to not let this stuff stress me out so much. And incidentally, they way *I* fight is also crazy...I wouldn't blame him for wanting to leave just because of that. That's my flaw.

 

So, I'm going to let this go. He did call me today, wanted to come over, but I was exhausted and had a test to study for, so we rescheduled for tomorrow/next day. I also made an appointment with a therapist to deal with my own issues. I want to learn how not to get so stressed out in my relationships with people. I think I've always had a mild version of social anxiety disorder and any time I'm put in a stressful situation I blow it completely out of proportion to the point where it takes a giant toll on my health (and not just with bf). I also want to be less dependent on others (again, not just bf) for my happiness.

 

That's kind of ironic actually - before college I was a bit of a loner at heart, very independent, and I didn't need people at all. That was one thing I always wanted to change because I envied people with real friends...and once I got into college I went about making them. I have a lot now, and I have the bf, but now it's like I can't survive being alone. I am ok with spending time alone as long as someone else is at home with me so that I can take breaks to hang out... and I realized that since college started I've spent every day of every weekend hanging out either with friends or with bf. This weekend was probably my first by myself (all my friends were out of town or busy, and bf pulled his thing) and I didn't handle it well. In fact....I got really plastered, tried to watch a movie but got bored and started drunk dialing everyone I knew. So anyway...that's why I'm going to see someone.

 

Thanks a lot guys.

[bab]

In fact....I got really plastered, tried to watch a movie but got bored and started drunk dialing everyone I knew.

 

I'll take that as a no. I think it's a great idea to start seeing a therapist. It sounds like you've got some codependency issues. I can't blame you, I can let that happen to myself as well if I don't keep it in check. Good luck to the two of you.

[Star Gazer]

I totally agree with bab - GREAT DECISION to see a therapist. They work wonders! Good luck to you!!

[insomnie]

I'll take that as a no. I think it's a great idea to start seeing a therapist. It sounds like you've got some codependency issues. I can't blame you, I can let that happen to myself as well if I don't keep it in check. Good luck to the two of you.

 

Whoops, I missed your post earlier on, sorry. No, I am not pregnant anymore... after a lot of thought I decided to have an abortion. I have no regrets about the decision and I don't think it made a negative impact on our relationship in any respect.

 

 

Short update: he came over today and ate dinner with me. We're both swamped with work this week (end of semester) so he didn't stay long. Neither of us really brought up the earlier fighting except to say sorry. He was affectionate and seemed happy that I made food for him. We have plans for Thursday, when both our weeks end.

 

My only concern now is.... he recently got reunited with a friend of his that really came between us at one point. The friend wanted to spend every day of every weekend with my boyfriend (he has absolutely no other friends, doens't go to school, and works 8 hours a week...), and at some point bf began to prefer his company over mine. Today bf said, "you don't like hanging out with __, do you?" Well, I do, I've always made that clear, and I told him that again... that it's nice to be social once in a while, and I that like this friend. But, bf does not like to mix spheres of his life that much (that was one of the problems he was having before...that I was overly involved)...and I am afriad that instead of including me occasionally, he'll always exclude me and will prefer to hang out with his friend. That either I will never see him on the weekends anymore, or he will see me out of obligation and start to resent me (like he did the last time we broke up). I just don't want another repeat of what happened last semester. It was very unpleasant.

 

I guess on the upside the semester's almost over, though... we'll be more free in the summer so there is going to be more time to go around.

[norajane]

I feel like I'm always going to smother him no matter what because he doesn't want a girlfriend right now

 

This is the crux of your problem. There is no way to change your behavior in order to make him want a girlfriend - either he does or he doesn't. If he doesn't, he'll always make you feel like you're a nuisance, like you're infringing on his precious time, like you are last on his list of priorities.

 

Don't you want to be with someone who looks forward to his time with you, who is eager to see you, who doesn't treat you as though he is sacrificing his time to be with you?

 

You are wasting yourself on him. You're in college. Tons of guys around. Open your eyes and stop beating your head against the wall.