PositiveShine Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Thanks in advance for all of your responses and support! My boyfriend and I have always been pretty open about porn (sharing our stashes, involving it in our sex lives), as he travels most of the week . . . and, well, we all have urges . I enjoy our comfort level with the situation. I am also lucky to where he never ogles other women in public. I am a believer in appreciating attractive people - male or female. Many times I'll comment to him in an admiring way about a beautiful female, just so it's known that I'm comfortable with it. I agree that men are more visual than women, but we ladies admire men just the same! It's natural to notice attractive people of the opposite sex, but it's how you react to that feeling that matters out of respect for someone you love. My BF also subscribes to Playboy/Maxim, etc. (Usually not an issue). For some reason lately, I feel like him seeing all of these images (and not involving me) and fantasizing about them while he's traveling has lowered his attraction to me due to comparison. I'm not perfect or a model, so I feel very self-conscious and unsexy. This is hard for me, bc I get many compliments from men who have admitted to wanting to date me. Of course, right? I've noticed that bc of these feelings of physical inadequacy I've been admittedly goading him into saying he's attracted to females, whether in a bar, in a magazine, or on TV to further my "theory" and continue to break myself down (I know, self-pity, not good). He has told me that he watches what he says about women in front of me, which is considerate but sad that he can't be himself. But, if the "true" him is talking about how great someone's breasts are aside from my own (which was one of his examples), I see that as disrespectul and almost an intentional dig to me. I don't want to play games, but it's tempting to subscribe to PlayGirl and comment on how generously and perfectly endowed the men are in front of him, etc. It seems so rude to do that, and I would never want him to feel bad about himself or compare himself to others. He just doesn't understand though. Basically, I want to be his Perfect Woman and be everything he wants sexually. I've asked about fantasies, enjoy pleasing him endlessly, and have talked about new/fun things to try. I want us to be open with eachother and have tried very hard to get there. We both deserve respect and honesty, but I do believe there is a line to be drawn out of mutual love, where the other side is just lust. Guys, I'd love to hear from you on this. Ladies, I know some of you have been there. Lay it on me! I think he keeps a lot of his sexual thoughts to himself, and I want to share that with him, but he's avoiding questions and not communicating with me. How should I address this?? I am completely new to issues in the bedroom, a first for me, so I'm at a loss. Help!
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 God will you marry me..? lol, im jokin I dont need any more drama than I'm already trying to deal with. First off you seem like a great girlfriend. I really dont see whats the problem? I got porn too lots of anal, black booty, cream pie stuff like that but you know he's being respectful of you and that is a great quality for the man to have. He knows your open to many things dont worry about that. Give him time to communicate his feelings for you. Sometimes men has this maddona/ whore complex maybe that's why he isnt opening up to you. You should read up more about that. Just relax and breathe, maybe he's feeling overwhelmed with everything your throwing out at him. But a woman who pleases her man is a good woman indeed.
sb129 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I've noticed that bc of these feelings of physical inadequacy I've been admittedly goading him into saying he's attracted to females, whether in a bar, in a magazine, or on TV to further my "theory" and continue to break myself down (I know, self-pity, not good). He has told me that he watches what he says about women in front of me, which is considerate but sad that he can't be himself. But, if the "true" him is talking about how great someone's breasts are aside from my own (which was one of his examples), I see that as disrespectul and almost an intentional dig to me. I don't want to play games, but it's tempting to subscribe to PlayGirl and comment on how generously and perfectly endowed the men are in front of him, etc. It seems so rude to do that, and I would never want him to feel bad about himself or compare himself to others. He just doesn't understand though. ! Alot of your problems lie in that paragraph. Your goading him is perpetuating the problem. You have to learn to keep it to yourself, cos if you know that his answer will upset you, why ask the question? You engineered your own downfall in a way by encouraging porn and talking about sex and other peoples bodies freely, (which is totally fine) but then when it got too much for you, you have tried to apply the brakes and backtrack, and you expect your BF to do the same, which isn't fair. IMO, getting into that territory in the first place is asking for trouble, because it inevitably leads to comparisons, then one of the parties gets insecure, then bingo, you land in the situation you find yourself in now. We ALL want to be our mans perfect woman. Constantly comparing yourself to porn stars is the WORST thing you can do for your self esteem. They are paid to look like that, and alot of them have surgery etc. I have no problem with porn at all, but you can't encourage your man to look at it, then accuse him of comparing their bodies to yours and go getting all insecure about it. Either you are cool with it or you aren't and you need to make it clear to your BF instead of giving him all these mixed messages about it. You can appreciate someones body/ looks without it being disrespectful to your SO. However, I do think there are times when it is inappropriate to say so. I totally understand where you are coming from, but you need to break the cycle yourself, because right now there is not really anything your BF can do to reassure you. He is still with you right? Unfortunately mate, your BF is probably really confused and a little freaked out about this right now, as insecurity of this nature in a woman tends to set off alarm bells. Its YOUR insecurity, and you need to deal with it. it is HIGHLY unlikely that your BF will want to date a woman with a pornstars body simply as a result of looking at porn. In reality, women like that are a minority anyway. Give yourself some credit..... you CAN be his perfect woman.
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