fallendisguise Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 I'm updating on the last thread I posted (Should I walk away? ). I received a lot of good advice and decided to listen to most of it...lol. I stopped the FWB, but decided to remain friends. It didn't feel right to completely cut him out of my life as we are best friends and he's never done anything wrong to me. He just didn't feel the same way back I guess. Things have been a lot easier for me since we haven't had FWB.. I'm not feeling as lonely or frustrated. However, after tonight... I just don't understand him or men in general. I just don't get it. Is there a manual out there for this kind of thing???? Of course, he brings up the whole "I want to still have FWB with you" thing and it's always in a jokingly matter and then he ends up apologizing and saying that he knows why I made the decision and it's not fair to pressure me... So tonight... he brings it up again. And he says that in all reality he could sleep with anyone because any person can, but he only wants to with me. So I said that should tell him something. Then he jokingly adds that I ruined the whole thing. To which I reply, it was a mutual "ruining on both our parts" (said jokingly as well). I said that I wanted more, he didn't and I didn't want to start to resent him for that and ruin our friendship. (I think after waiting for someone for a 1 1/2 years, which is half the tim you've known them, your going to start feeling some resentment). So he said he just isn't ready for that yet and I guess the whole FWB thing isn't going to work. So I said MAYBE (and that's a long stretch) that if there was a possibility that ONE DAY (not 10 years from now but relatively soon) there was a chance that we could actually be in a relationship then MAYBE (long stretch again) we could make it work. He said he can't see far enough to tell if that is a possibility and doesn't want to lead me on. Then he says we both know how incredibly happy we would be if we were together because of how we are. WHY DOES HE SAY THIS STUFF???? And earlier, my friend who is very blunt said something about when we're going to get together already or at least date because he's going to lose me... he says we've already been dating, he practically feels like we're married (laughed), and that he's already lost me. WTF??? I'm so glad that we stopped the FWB, because 2 months ago, that really would have affected me, now I'm just confused about the whole thing. Now, I just wonder why does someone say stuff like that, but yet STILL say they don't want a relationship? I just don't get it and he does it ALL the time. Can someone please give me some insight??? I still have feelings and the fact that he says those things doesn't help. I feel like as long as I feel this way, I'm going to be single forever. I'm really sorry for the long post. I know, I know... I'm very wordy... lol.
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 It sounds pretty straight-forward to me. He wants you but isn't ready to settle down. You want him but not without a relationship. Don't give in, if you're not interested in an FWB relationship. He can continue sweating it out.
CrazyC8s Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Yea, it just sounds like he's not ready for commitment, but I wouldn't let that make you think you should wait around for him. Maybe just tell him he's not making things easier by making these comments and then dont hold back on moving on. So then you can still be friends but without the constant reminders from him that there's a possibility of something more.
Author fallendisguise Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Thanks TBF. It is pretty straight forward. I guess I just don't see why he has a need to say stuff like that. "He's never met any other girl like me", "No one else can ever compare to me", "We'd have the perfect relationship", etc. He's a pretty straight forward guy and I know he doesn't say those things to get me to sleep with him again because he'll tell me I made the right decision because he can't give that to me right now but that he still wants to sleep with me and hopefully as time passes he will be able to stop going through "withdrawals" and bringing it up. I think more than anything I just felt really confused by the whole thing, like could he be coming around, but not quite there yet, type of thing. I'm not going to give in... it hurts too much and I don't want to ruin our friendship. I've finally accepted that he just doesn't want a relationship period with anyone right now and when he does it probably won't be with me. And that's ok. He still has a lot of issues to sort out with that within himself. So I guess I posted so that maybe I could get a different perspective and not overthink why he says stuff like that and read into it too much. Thanks!!
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Awesome attitude. You've got it bang on. He's got some core adjustments to do before he's ready for a relationship and that's not your job to try to change him, otherwise you're in for some serious heartbreak. As for why he would say things like that, who knows and in some ways, does it matter? Not really if he's not ready to settle down.
Reckless Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 No two things can occupy the same space - seems to me like you've moved him but you haven't cleared the space for someone new - until you do, you will remain 'single' (btw that's not the black death but that's another discussion). You've stopped sleeping with him but you're still 'together' ... that's fine. He's more than a friend and you both have to see where you want to go. Still seems to me that the best way of helping him find out what he wants to do is to force a little more distance between you. You get some space to see if there's anyone else out there for you and there's nothing like the back of a woman moving away to make a man reevaluate how he feels about her. Just my 2.5 cents.... R
Author fallendisguise Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Thank you two for the advice. I've been told before (in my last post) that I do need to create more distance. However, at the time I wasn't strong enough. I tried it before and him calling and saying his life is empty without me and he cares too much about me to not at least be friends always made me cave in. I feared that would happen again. I figured I would give the friends w/o benefits thing a go and see how it worked out. I also thought that if it didn't work out it would be easier for me to walk away at that point because I would be more emotionally distant. I know, purely selfish on my part. I really don't want to have to walk away from this guy. In my perfect world, we would remain best friends, me move past having feelings and move on in the emotional sense, and when the day comes that we have our own families we can share that with each other. I thought that by not having FWB my feelings wouldn't always be in my face... they aren't quite as much, but they are in a different way. So I've told myself that in a few months if I am still feeling this way we need to take a break and either rekindle the friendship at a later time when I've emotionally moved on or just let it go. I guess only time will tell. TBF you're right. The fact that he says those things really don't matter in the grand scheme of things and I'm glad you said that.
RecordProducer Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Don't hope too much that your happiness will last - someone will show up sooner or later!
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